The long awaited Sandy Hook post… yeah… Sometimes I hate my life.
P.S. Trust the motherfucking shorters!
Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):
- Violent Vijeo Games caused this latest mass murder. Violent Vijeo Games have caused every mass murder.
Gene Schwimmer, American Anchor:
What if Vicki Soto Had Been Armed?
Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):
- We should just arm the fuck out of teachers instead of doing anything real to stop gun violence. Also, Mitt Romney was right, gun violence is caused by single mothers.
Jerold Levoritz, American Wanker:
A Proper Response to the Massacre of Innocents
Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):
- Wouldn’t it be better for everyone if every time our paranoid killing machines went on a murder rampage we all quietly turned our backs and pretended it never happened?
Jeanne Donovan, American Canker:
A Teacher’s Oath
Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):
- Truly, isn’t the most appropriate time to talk about what greedy vile overpaid wastes of humanity public school teachers are immediately after a tragedy where said underpaid underappreciated teachers risked and lost their lives to protect their kids?
Flames… Flames on the side of my face… breathing hot…
Charlotte Allen, National Die! Die! Die!:
Verbatim (or the last port before Jungle):
- There was not a single adult male on the school premises when the shooting occurred. In this school of 450 students, a sizeable number of whom were undoubtedly 11- and 12-year-old boys (it was a K–6 school), all the personnel — the teachers, the principal, the assistant principal, the school psychologist, the “reading specialist” — were female. There didn’t even seem to be a male janitor to heave his bucket at Adam Lanza’s knees. Women and small children are sitting ducks for mass-murderers. The principal, Dawn Hochsprung, seemed to have performed bravely. According to reports, she activated the school’s public-address system and also lunged at Lanza, before he shot her to death. Some of the teachers managed to save all or some of their charges by rushing them into closets or bathrooms. But in general, a feminized setting is a setting in which helpless passivity is the norm. Male aggression can be a good thing, as in protecting the weak — but it has been forced out of the culture of elementary schools and the education schools that train their personnel. Think of what Sandy Hook might have been like if a couple of male teachers who had played high-school football, or even some of the huskier 12-year-old boys, had converged on Lanza.
That’s Fucking IT!
SANDY HOOK! As if there was even a fraction of a doubt remaining that the 27% of our melting pot that is the right-wing even retained a picoliter of their humanity, we get this nice encapsulated proof. Even when the victims are white, blonde, little first graders from a “good” neighborhood, they just can’t resist. See, someone might start looking at their penis substitutes as a bad thing. Or maybe even start seriously discussing how violence and hatred towards women tends to inevitably lead to these sorts of tragedies.
Sure, for every other sane nation on the planet, this sort of thing is the no-snooze-button alarm clock that forces them to wake up and smell the hallow-point bullets, but not us here in America. We get to chat about teh vijeo games and how much more we need to turn our schools into police states.
And on that note, what the fuck is up with that goddamn impulse. Every fucking time there’s one of these shootings, we inevitably circle around to only talking about how to make life more miserable, regulated, and abusive for the victims. How there need to be armed security guards, locked and barred doors, mandatory metal detectors, armed teachers, 12-year-olds hiding in sniper nests… All the things that don’t actually make the kids safer, but do disproportionately get used to punish non-conformity.
All because it is simply inconceivable that we could in any slight, minor, infinitesimal way inconvenience the people who ACTUALLY COMMIT THESE MURDERS.
Oh, the rights of children to not be treated as criminals simply because they had the bad taste to get shot in a way inconvenient to the narratives of right-wing gun fetishists are mere trivia to be discarded at the drop of the hat compared to the immutable rights of psychotics to own a bigger arsenal than the armories of some small nations in a desperate attempt to make their penises seem bigger.
And I’m fucking sick of it.
I’m fucking sick of there being no goddamn hope to ever actually address the issues of unlimited access to easy-use death machines, the macho femininity-fearing culture that surrounds them (and ensures that in nearly every one of these tragedies, a woman (usually one the shooter knew personally) dies first and women die proportionately more), and the way blame usually just falls on the victims for not “protecting themselves” “better”.
I hate that we never actually discuss policy for improving mental health access and public services in this country, after blaming the “lone gunman’s” “inscrutable” actions on him being “crazy”.
I hate that we never talk about how these shooters are almost universally a him and extremely often a white him to boot. I hate how that inevitably leads everyone to dodge away from actually looking at the tactics that dominant groups use to keep lesser groups oppressed and fearful and don’t at all connect them to other terrorism attempts using other weapons like bombings or violence by police.
I hate that we’ve internalized defeat on the gun control issue so strongly that many of us have even given up trying to fix these issues.
I hate that we’ve decided as a culture that nearly monthly tributes of innocent lives slaughtered in legally-purchased assault weapon fire by some punching-down piece of shit wearing tactical body armor is just “the new normal” all of us need to get used to as the price we pay for… reasons that are surely not stupid.
I hate that these ghoulish gun fetishists use the success of programs targeting poverty, racism, etc… in the inner cities to reduce the homicide rates to try and excuse their periodic murder sprees and pretend that they are related to one another. I hate that they follow that up with immediately assuming that the murder rate must be going up in “those districts” because “you-know-who” live there.
And on that note…
Those of you who read this blog and consider themselves responsible gun owners and gun users, I’m extremely sorry, but you’ll want to just skip ahead for this next bit, because you’re not going to like it at all.
Okay, here we go:
NO ONE, INSIDE OF THIS COUNTRY, OUTSIDE OF A MILITARY BASE (and outside trained public officials like specialty police officers and secret service agents), NEEDS A GUN! THERE IS NO REAL COMPELLING REASON FOR CIVILIANS TO OWN FIREARMS IN THIS DAY AND AGE!
Not one, single solitary reason. Oh sure, there’s a lot of grasped straws, a lot of reasons that are even now bubbling to the surface, demanding to be said.
And they’re all bullshit.
1. No one really needs a gun for hunting, because no one in this country needs to hunt in this day and age in order to survive. Oh sure, there may be people who do hunt and in fact eat what they hunt and all power to them. But if they were suddenly deprived of their firearms by a firearm removing fairy, they wouldn’t suddenly starve to death.
And that’s because we live in a modern world where it is nearly impossible to “go off the grid”. If one is close enough to civilization to keep the ammo topped off, one is close enough to go to a supermarket and buy one’s daily bread as it were. And even supposing that meat was critical to life, we live in an era where factory farming sadly has made meat cheap and plentiful to even the most remote wilderness area. And even if you wanted to go self-sufficient, it’s much better to grow crops and set traps for small game (or use a fucking bow and arrow or a pit trap if you really need that fucking deer head on the wall).
Fuck, even the arguments that we need to hunt because prey populations are out-of-whack to sustainability only exists because fucking bastards with guns have been shooting all the predator species in the area in order to “protect” their livestock and homes. And again, the solution in the meantime would probably best be served by government officials working in accordance with environmentalists who know exactly how much game needs to be culled to protect the herd and how to do so in a way that’s best sustaining for said herd and protects their biodiversity.
2. No one needs a gun for collections. I mean, no offense to the collectors looking for historic value or just liking the aesthetics, but hobbies are just that. And frankly, let’s be honest. There’s no fucking reason any “collector” needs to have ammo stored in the same place as their “collection” unless their “collection” is better known as an “armory”.
3. No one needs a fucking gun for self-defense.
I’ll repeat that. No one needs a gun for self-defense.
Not home defense, not personal defense, not defense against some mystical horde of rampaging black people or magical tyrannical government that is polite enough to come in troops of nicely organized poorly armored stormtroopers.
And the fact that the gun fetishists convinced everyone this was a legitimate reason for gun ownership is one of the true marvels of advertising if there ever was one.
When did we suddenly decide that the adequate cost for breaking into someone’s home to cart off their insurance-covered entertainment center was death? That it was perfectly okay to murder a person in cold blood simply because they inconvenienced your property? That in the grim calculus of life: human being < things ?
And more importantly when did we decide that this cowardly “commit a larger crime to defend oneself against a lesser one” was such a no-duh that we should just gloss over whether it was even a good method in dissuading that lesser crime?
As the statistics continually show, guns are most deadly to the ones that own them. A gun owned by someone “trying to defend their home” is infinitely more likely to die by said gun than get to use it in a tense Dirty Harry standoff with the mythical murder-rapist just looking to sneak into the homes of pussy liberals. Suicide rates are more likely than homicide, accidents more likely than homicide, and homicide by a fellow family member or someone using your arsenal way way higher than homicide by home-invading rapists.
And it’s fucking obvious in retrospect. People invading homes tend to be desperate people who aren’t looking to hurt people, but just looking for some easy cash to help prolong a fix. The only people who are specifically looking to enter your home to do harm to someone tend to be people one already knows, and thus people who know where the firearms are kept to arm them in their little vengeance mission against the woman who wronged them.
At the same time, guns and other weapons are an easy escalation in a volatile situation. Are you depressed and having suicidal ideation? Well, here’s a weapon that will kill you instantly with very little chance of pain or slow death. Are you angry at someone and feeling hurt and powerless? Oh hey, here’s a weapon designed to make you feel powerful that can unleash death with the slightest twitch. Are you bristling at how that ungrateful sow can even think of leaving you? Well, putting that bitch in her place is a mere finger’s breadth away.
And don’t even get me started on the “tyrannical government” shit. There is no way even the most well-armed psychotic is going to be able to do shit against the US government if it decides to kill them. We have fucking flying killbots and bombs that can eliminate whole cities, your peashooter ain’t going to do shit.
And let’s be honest, if the government really turned fascist on us, there’s no hope in the universe that you’d be on the side of the people.
Cause that’s the other elephant in the room. That the people who blather on and on about how great guns are against tyranny are the same fuckers who fucking worship tyranny when it actually happens. When Bush was making mincemeat of the Constitution, did any of the militia men march in the streets protesting? No. They were cheering the call to war and masturbating to which caliber of assault weapon poor inner city kids would be using over there in dem foreigny parts.
We never see them actually concerned over the size of the military and demanding that it be shrunk. We never hear them discussing how problematic it is that we’ve allowed the business of war and murder to become nearly automated and detached from its terrible aftermath. We didn’t see them rioting in the streets when the National Guard was treated like just another division of the US Army.
Because that’s the deep dark secret at the heart of it all. The gun fetishists are just standard-level fascists and terrorists trying to hide underneath arguments they know are distractions.
They aren’t protesting military buildup and the traps inherent in calls for patriotism. They aren’t trying to address the issues of sexism, violence against women, domestic violence, etc… while they use the statistics to argue that more women should be armed. They aren’t toiling with the radicals to try and address issues of poverty, rational drug treatment, public mental health services, strong social safety nets, free housing for the homeless that supposedly underlie their supposed deep-seated fear that some swarthy type is going to break into their home and touch their stuff. They aren’t demanding an end to racism, policing their communities for bigotries, and addressing the social ills that would be behind the totally not-racist belief in an inevitable “invasion of swarthy types looting and murdering”.
They aren’t doing anything real other than trying to create more and more justifications of when it’s all right to commit cold blooded murder. Hey is it okay if like I’m attacked and I need a weapon to save my own life? Yes? Okay, that makes sense. Hey, is it okay if they broke into my home and like threatened me or something? Yes? Cool. Hey, what about if like they just happened to barely cross into my home and like I said they threatened me? Still? Awesome! Hey, what about if like I’m on the street and I see some swarthy type eating Skittles and talking smack about me for being a creepy bigot? Still, yes?!? Hot dog!
And we see it with the alliances made. Every time there is a mass shooting, by the most unforgivable terrorists and mass murderers, targeting those who could have no hope at all of fighting back.
Is their ire for the shooters who make their community look like murder-fetishists getting off on the fantasy of the world creating a scenario where it is acceptable to kill a person? No. And their sympathy is never with said bastard’s victims. No, it’s with the killers themselves. That’s who they identify with. That’s who they try and distance while still embracing.
We saw it most clearly with George Zimmerman, but still again in the Aurora shooting and Sandy Hook. They identify with the paranoid psychotics acquiring an arsenal and decking themselves out with full combat body armor in order to shoot a bunch of young unarmed people.
They want to make sure their own arsenals won’t be targeted by sane condemnation for the crimes committed. They don’t want any personal responsibility or necessary hassle required by the severity of the crimes. They don’t want to regulate anything to ensure that their happy fun time penis substitute and grown-up binky can’t be used in these bimonthly mass-murder sprees. They don’t even want to self-police their community to kick these sorts of people out, because they fear that if they did, they’d be one of the ones thrown out.
They identify more with spree killers than first-graders just wanting an education. They find more common humanity with those so paranoid that a black man might touch their guns, they acquired an armory out of pure spite than with the school teachers who gave their lives so the children they were paid less than a babysitter to enrich could live. They find more kinship with those who have responded to the mass murder of children by mass purchasing the weapon he used solely because they think it pisses off liberals than with said liberals whose only objectionable crime is thinking that the regular murder of young adults and children is not an acceptable price so some people can feel slightly more confident about their toxic masculinity.
And I’m sick of it. Sick of it all.
All right, gun-loving readers, you can come back. If this is going to be my Sandy Hook piece (and Bob damnitt, I want this to be my only damn Sandy Hook piece), then let’s rip this… I have no curse words to adequately cover my vitriol so let’s just refer to her as a fakkkakakkkakingkkkakkker… and be done with it.
People, even unarmed people, need to fight back against criminals — because usually, no one else will. It took the police 20 minutes to arrive at Sandy Hook. By the time they got there, it was over. Cops and everybody else encourage civilians not to try to defend themselves when they are criminally assaulted. This is stupid advice. There are things you can do. Run is one of them, because most shooters can’t hit a moving target. The other, if you are in a confined space, is throw things at the killer, or try a tackle. Remember United Flight 93 on 9/11. It was a “flight of heroes” because a bunch of guys on that plane did what they could with what they had. They probably prevented the destruction of the White House or the Capitol.
It is an odd dance for the paranoid gun-nut, isn’t it? Oh, those dastardly nogoodniks are such all-powerful supermen that truly only the most powerful machinery of death in the world could be enough to stop their slavering lusts for murder and foul deeds… but they are also easily-frightened chickens who will back down with the very slightest bit of confrontation.
I mean, I’m sure that’s a very comforting thought to the various patriarchal toads freaking out in the harsh sands of toxic masculinity, worrying about how one could possibly excise enough “femininity” to retain one’s precious “man card” and avoid the painful and often murderous punishments given to women and those deemed “honorary women”. That there’s some mystical uber-bad-guy out there worse than 12 Dolph-Lundgren-in-Rocky-IV’s who can be warded off merely by the smell of gunpowder emanating from your various safe rooms, but out here in the real world, that ain’t how it works.
And let’s also just take a pause here and note just exactly what is being said here. Cause we get this after every mass shooting.
She’s saying that it’s the victims’ fault that they got killed.
It’s the same bullshit victim-blaming horseshit we get after a woman finds herself a victim of domestic violence or a rape. All about how she should have not worn that skirt or been out drinking or trusted that guy or glossed over the warning signs or pissed him off or…
Given that the majority of all those shot in each of these shootings tends to be women, this shouldn’t be entirely surprising but it’s worth nothing anyways.
There is no possible way a victim could ever fulfill all these conflicting demands on how they should have reacted in the fear and surprise of the moment.
If they successfully hide away, waiting for trained professionals to handle the problem, then they are condemned for not running. If you point out that the ones who ran were gunned down, then they condemn them for not having enough men on the property. If you point out that there were men there, including a male janitor who informed the police of the situation or that the “manly men” who were regarded as heroes in the Aurora shooting did the same thing as the female school teachers at Sandy Hook, they claim the men should have rushed the gunman. If you note that that would have gotten more of them killed or note incidents like the brave tackling of Gifford’s shooter by her gay staffer that saved more lives but not all, they’ll claim that a properly armed concealed carry macho man would have been able to plug the killer in one shot. If you note that there was such a person at the Gifford’s shooting, but they were forced to realize that adding more firearms to a chaotic situation does butt-all to help people, they claim that what we really need is more entrenchment, more fear, more people hiding in their homes stockpiling weapons against all that fear out there like proper “brave” patriots.
And if we are to note that Nancy Lanza did just that…
That she did as they requested her to? Became fearful of the black man who was going to take her guns when society collapsed? Who believed you that an armory in her heavily secured home was the only way to protect herself from all that “bad stuff” out there that was a mere whisker’s breath from trying to break in and harm her? Who had an entire arsenal to protect her from specifically for the situation when someone would come creeping up to her and attempt to murder her in her home?
Well, then we move on to talking about how crazy he was what with the violent vijeo games and all. Because guns don’t protect. Can’t protect. Anymore than aggressive invasion as a military tactic will make one safer from foreign or domestic terrorism.
And because as long as we’re talking about what the victims needed to do or why we should just ignore the trends, we’re distracted from the real issues of over-armament of the most deranged citizens who are deliberately told to be as fearful as possible and a stew of toxic masculinity that views murder devices as the best possible way to ensure the feminine cooties can’t infect you.
Parents of sick children need to be realistic about them. I know at least two sets of fine and devoted parents who have had the misfortune to raise sons who were troubled for genetic reasons beyond anyone’s control. Either of those boys could have been an Adam Lanza. You simply can’t give a non-working, non-school-enrolled 20-year-old man free range of your home, much less your cache of weapons. You have to set boundaries. You have to say, “You can’t live here anymore — you’re an adult, and it’s time for you to be a man. We’ll give you all the support you need, but we won’t be enablers.” Unfortunately, the idea of being an “adult” and a “man” once one has reached physical maturity seems to have faded out of our coddling culture.
It really is time we stopped coddling the childish among us, isn’t it?
We just can’t afford as a society to babysit the paranoid violent delusions and murder fantasies of these little troglodytes anymore. We just can’t keep whispering, “it’s okay, you can fear that femininity is such a corrupting influence in your life, that you feel you need a murder stick capable of disgorging hundreds of high speed pieces of metal in a matter of seconds to feel safe from it”. We can’t keep going, “nah, it’s totally cool that you live in daily fear that you may one day have to pay for a legacy of supporting the brutal oppression of various groups of people merely for the color of the skin and that you stockpile as much death machinery as possible in the hopes that you can one day use it to gun down said people by the hordes for daring to ‘rise up’ against you”. We can’t keep cuddling you in the night and telling you that of course it makes sense to lock oneself into hyper-paranoid gated communities bristling with guns and ammunition because you think there’s a tiny chance that a poor person somewhere might think it’s okay to touch your stuff. We can’t afford to feed your delusions that it’s okay to own your wife and children as inferior possessions to the weapons that will later be used in your court case. We can’t keep playing along with your lifeplay fantasy world where you would totally be able to John Rambo a tyrannical government or an alien invasion all by your lonesome.
We can’t keep losing children and sacrificing their rights and dignities because you need something smaller, weaker, and less powerful than your self to destroy in order to feel more like a man, in order to feel like you can become infamous enough to remember, in order for you to deal with the ennui of being overprivileged in America.
We have too many people with too many real problems and who have too many real legitimate fears of living their lives in accordance with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness exacerbated by you and your gang of petty fascists and the way you use a supposed fondness for a Second Amendment that never protected guns the way you claim* in order to support legalized murder, terrorism, and the fear to socially strengthen positions of fascism.
We can’t keep balking ourselves from everything, because we’re afraid some fucker with a gun is going to take offense and kill us and everyone at our work place for it.
We just can’t keep doing it.
And if you’re so sad about that. That maybe this time, you really will have to pay a price for gleefully abusing the privileges you have conned us into supporting.
Maybe you should have thought of that before your first responses to the brutal murder of children was to reveal yourself as exactly the sort of deranged howler monkeys who should never be allowed to carry anything more dangerous than a blunt spork.
So now, you pack of braying fakkkakakkkakingkkkakkkers, sit down, shut the fuck up, and accept your little wrist slap that will hardly address the meat of your sins before we start deciding that breaking down your doors, taking all your guns and melting them down in your front lawns starts sounding like the better option.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. That’s it. I’m done with this. Next post isn’t even going to reference Sandy Hook. I don’t care if a wingnut manages to blame the shooting on gay aborting baby seals who support slavery reparations. I’m fucking done.** We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
*The Second Amendment protects a well-regulated militia, full stop. Aka, it protects the notion of a national guard, heavily regulated by the state, not the notion that every single American should have the right to a Howitzer and a tactical nuke because mommy, someday a black man might break into my home and rape my white female property.
**I warned you all that all my Sandy Hook posts were just devolving into barely coherent streams of pure rage and hate. And yet you didn’t believe me.