A mental photograph of the current state of the collective right-wing following the recent election.
Various National Review “Writers”, National Review
It is very tempting to get over-optimistic about the results of the last election. While things aren’t perfect (way too many people were still willing to vote for an open sociopath out of tribal loyalty, willful disconnection from reality, and bigotry), things seem to be hitting a turning point. We finally seem to have enough minorities, women, gay people, and youth to make the Southern Strategy obsolete. We finally seem to be breaking through the dim haze of propaganda and caring about issues that deserve our attention. And we even seem to be realizing all too belatedly that the bigots are in fact bigots and maybe some of those marginalized groups really are people like they keep saying.
Yeah, that might not last forever. The House can still do a lot of damage in Republican control. There is still a concerted effort to undermine democracy and delegitimize the votes of those who are not white men. And it is still possible that the wingnuts may find another previously maligned group to make “honorary white people” in order to extend the life of their hate cult. And that’s long before we factor in that the Democrats are only the sane party, not the jump up and cheer because liberalism has won this day party or the fact that every major change comes with a shit-ton of work on the ground dragging social attitudes and cultures kicking and screaming into the Century of the Fruitbat.
But if there is one thing that brings one hope in this post-election season, it is how well the right-wing is taking the election’s lessons to heart.
Shorter Entire National Review and pretty much entire right-wing media:
- We’ve finally pissed off enough filthy minority groups that they actually constitute a firm majority the likes of which we can’t even steal the election from?!? Welp, the only thing to do is to HATE THEM HARDER and hope that they really are as dumb as we think they are!
And I could stop there and save myself work for the next three months at least, but damnitt, then where would I get my fix for writing 50,000 word mango fiskings?
So instead of a single mass shorter, let’s look at 4 single article shorters that say the same exact fucking thing.
Verbatim Jonah Loadstone, National Enraged Grue:
The GOP and Racism, Yet Again
- If the GOP wants to win more black votes, it will need to get a lot more “racist.”
Because of course, the issue that had latin@ and black voters running for the hills like they were Native Americans in an Iron Maiden song wasn’t at all because the Republican dog whistles had become so obvious that they could have been replaced with a megaphone with no one even noticing the change. No, it was just because those meanie head liberals keep seeing things conservatives do and say as racist.
And if those poor addled brained niggers could arrive at the intellectual zenith of their white male betters, they could easily understand that they only see things like the institution of slavery, people having complete meltdowns over the existence of powerful black people, and open uncensored hate as racism because they fall for careful liberal branding.
And as soon as conservatives explain that it is actually the white male who is the Jew of Liberal Racism and that 50 years of screwing over the country and the planet just so black people are hurt more are easily solved by tricking black people into supporting segregated schools for rich white people to escape into, then everything will be fixed.
See, everyone? There is no need to do something radical, like abandon the Southern Strategy, as long as we can magically get white people to be an overwhelming majority again!
And in case you thought I was kidding, here’s some highlights:
The scare quotes are necessary because I don’t think the Republican party is racist now (and, historically, the GOP has a lot less to answer for than the Democratic party does). But that hasn’t stopped a lot of people from slandering Republicans as racist for one reason or another. Right now, many in Washington — particularly the leadership of the Congressional Black Caucus — insist that Republican attacks on U.N. ambassador Susan Rice are racist and, yawn, sexist.
If someone accuses you of bigotry, don’t actually point out why it’s in error or try and better yourself, just yawn dismissively like the opinions of black people couldn’t possibly matter less to you. That’ll convince them you’re not an entitled racist prick who lucked into a job they’d have to scramble and fight for!
Any serious attempt by the GOP to win black votes won’t involve Republicans copycatting liberal policies. It will require going over the heads of the black and white liberal slanderers to offer a sincere alternative to failed liberal policies on schools, poverty, crime, etc. The more effective that effort, the more the GOP will be called racist.
We shouldn’t even bother to pretend to give a shit about black people. This will somehow make black people vote for us.
When Romney, whose father marched with Martin Luther King Jr., spoke to the NAACP, Michael Tomasky of the Daily Beast dubbed him a “race-mongering pyromaniac,” primarily for using the term “Obamacare” — a term Barack Obama used himself.
Sure, The Smiler used the opportunity to openly antagonize and dehumanize that audience in order to endear himself to racist Southern troglodytes who rewarded him by turning out in record numbers, but that instantly is to be forgotten if anyone commits the unforgivable sin of noticing.
But hey, Jonah’s going to be Jonah, right? He’s got one shtick and sticks with it. Yeah, but, here’s a post from the same day:
Shorter Jennifer A. Marshall, National Discarded Sprue:
Poverty Thrives on the Same Old Song
- We conservatives look like uncaring rich assholes who would gladly force people to starve in the street in order to make billionaires richer simply because we are uncaring rich assholes who gladly force people to starve in the street. The solution to this is to more loudly call for people to starve in the streets in the hopes that those filthy young people who have spent their whole lives seeing the results of our “fiscal policy” have sudden traumatic amnesia and thus suddenly willing to fall for the same old shit.
Yeah, who needs to actually suck up to the 99% by addressing even basic safety net issues? We can just whine to the refs instead.
A half century into the War on Poverty, liberals can hardly declare victory. But they can claim the dominant anti-poverty narrative: Americans seldom look to conservatives for answers to the problems of poverty.
Mommy, they are winning the message war largely because they don’t view poverty in terms of convincing working class schlubs to vote against their best interest. Make them stop, mommy!
Content. Conservatives need to offer a concrete description of our near-term objectives: We want to build on the success of the welfare reform of 1996, which reformed just one of 80 federal means-tested programs that in total are now funded to the tune of $1 trillion annually. We seek to secure the safety net for those truly in need — and to ensure that it encourages work and marriage rather than long-term dependency. And we look to civil society to transform lives and communities and restore the path to upward mobility.
Yeah, as soon as we remind them that our only real solution to poverty was a nearly 17 year old push to make life harder for people who needed help in the name of “reducing the deficit” and “reducing fraud” so we could then waste said money losing it in Iraq and giving it away to rich people who don’t need it, poor people will just fucking love us!
Credibility. Showing up, learning, and listening are top priorities.
Yes, that would probably be a good first step. Then you could practice looking like you give a damn in the next quarter. One day you may actually give a fuck and we won’t immediately associate your party with the rich deluded Snow White and the Huntsmen fearing psychotics who run it.
But hey, Jennifer is just a malfunctioning robot from the Heritage Foundation. It’s not like this is some sort of consensus carrying over from the previous da-
Shorter Victor Davis Hanson, National Dysenterial Crew:
Let Obama Be Obama
- You might think from my title and the fact that this post is about the DREAM Act, that I’m desperately conceding the fight in the hope that all our paranoid fantasies about what happens if latin@s are treated as full human beings coems to pass. Especially as our movement can’t survive alienating latin@s at the current rate. But NAH, I’m just saying we should try and torpedo the DREAM Act with an amendment calling them wetbacks who should go back to Spanishland like the illegals they are and hoping that Democrats are down with sabotaging themselves even more to keep us competitive. Go Team Conservative!
Cause really, if white males don’t at all make a force big enough to keep the Southern Strategy viable and the only hope for bigotry is to quickly turn a socially-conservative-leaning minority group like latin@s into honorary white people, then the bestest strategy of all is to loudly announce just how much you consider latin@s inhuman scum.
After his party’s devastating setback in the 2010 midterm elections, Barack Obama was reelected earlier this month by painting his Republican opponents as heartless in favoring lower taxes for the rich. They were portrayed as nativists for opposing the DREAM Act amnesty for illegal immigrants, and as callous in battling the federal takeover of health care.
Actually addressing what the voters want is the underhanded tactics of unamerican communists, just as that unnamed person we’ll be pretending none of us actually knew said while he was campaigning to be president.
But why not make the president’s DREAM Act part of the envisioned grand bargain on immigration? Once it is agreed upon that we have the ability to distinguish those foreign nationals deserving of amnesty, then surely we also have the ability to determine who does not meet those agreed-upon criteria.
Why, then, cannot conservatives allow a pathway to citizenship for the play-by-the-rules millions who qualify, while regrettably enforcing an un-DREAM Act for others who just recently arrived illegally; enrolled in, and have remained on, public assistance; or have been convicted of a crime? Who could object to that fair compromise?
We’ll just have to exploit that last inch of good faith anyone with a brain still gives us and stand on the national stage as those fuckers who when tossed a landline with the fastest growing demographic went “hey, can we toss out the legal brown people too?”
But hey, racists got to be racists and of course they don’t want to change any of their policies.
But at least they want to do something different. Even if it’s changing the market copy and figuring out a new way to sell tax cuts as the new Brawndo… right?
Shorter Michael Barone, National Disinterested View:
The Democrats’ Electoral Edge
- We don’t need to do anything. The electoral college will naturally swing back our way without us doing anything. Heh. Heh. Yes, it will all be a bad dream. The gravy train isn’t running out. I don’t need to get a real job using my actual skill sets. Everything is fine. Nothing to worry about. Everything is fine.
Yep, why bother even acknowledging that your policies… sold poorly when you can learn nothing at all? After all, isn’t aggressive ignorance the hallmark of what it means to be conservative in this day and age?
I’m talking about the fact that the large majority of states voted just a little bit more Democratic in 2012 than they did in 2004.
Enough to give 2012 nominee Barack Obama 332 electoral votes, far more than 2004 nominee John Kerry’s 252. But not enough to change the political balance of the nation or the various regions very much.
Sure, former swing states are now moving more and more leaning democratic and the Republicans are pretty much left with the Confederacy and the most rural states, but it doesn’t matter. The Southern Strategy is still viable because none of the Deep South swung over to the Democrats yet and they’re the only states that really count.
My tentative conclusion is that we may be back to the nearly even balance between the parties we saw between 1995 and 2005. Since then, we’ve been in a period of open-field politics, with big swings to the Democrats in 2006 and 2008 and a big swing to the Republicans in 2010.
Both sides hoped those swings would prove permanent. 2012 suggests both sides were disappointed. It looks like we’re back to trench-warfare politics at the national level.
Sure, all the writing on the wall and our open panic pretty much concludes that the times we can win by appealing to the traitorous leanings of the former Confederacy are coming to an end, but all we need to do is clap enough times to bring back Scarlett O’Tinkerbell and everything will be fine!
Please God say it will be fine. Please say we don’t have to change, grow up and join the 20th century (much less the 21st), that a party borne out of nothing but bitter resentment for the social rise of people who are not old white men can continue indefinitely and will still need eager hacks like us.
Tell us that this isn’t the final station and the smart money is already packing up and getting out while the getting’s still good.
Our fragile minds can’t take that. Not now, not ever.
We’ll just pretend it all away just like everything else and somehow…
Oh, poor wingnuts, let me tell you this, sympathetically and full of love:
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. Shotgunning mini-posts so they’ll add up to a buffet is invented by me. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™