He has a website whose only major line is ‘ This website details some of his most recent activities.’ It also has a link to something called ‘The Frank Report’ which is a SECOND website devoted to covering news about him that is written and maintained entirely by him. This one is festooned with his ‘cartoons’, which are apparently his proudest accomplishment before inheriting enough money to buy a newspaper. Said cartoons are cut and paste pictures of casino slot machines or fat people with absolutely no context, humor, or even target. Truly in America, one can only climb to the top by virtue of raw merit, talent, and working harder than anyone on the planet 200 times over!
Michael Calleri, Chicago Sun-Times:
Reactionary men who fear and hate strong women
Technically, but really:
Frank Parlato Jr, Email to Former Employee:
We Fears the Pussy, Precious!
Poor, poor newspapers. They’ve been gutted and stripped of their integrity in a desperate bid to make them fast money-making tools for deluded rich assholes. They’ve abandoned their charge to inform the American public and hold the powerful accountable. They’ve been repeatedly embarrassed by random assholes with blogs and even more random assholes on Twitter. And the more “reputable” rags have given life-long careers to some of the most transparent hacks that have ever lived.
More and more they find themselves dinosaurs stuck in the tar pits, waiting to sink beneath the black.
And they just can’t stop being embarrassed and humiliated in their dying days. Even when a newspaper gets founded by a journalist, making headlines with actual old school journalism, and the ovaries to go head-to-head with a corrupt government. It’s only a matter of time before it gets bought out by a psychotic trust-fund baby who begins to have a psychotic break when they think of red-haired Pixar heroines.
On that note:
Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):
- If I clap my hands around my ears and sing real loud I can pretend that movies with female protagonists don’t really exist, and I can go back to believing that the world of 80s action movies was a faithful depiction of real life. P.S. You’re fired.
And yet… still less reflexively anti-woman than Fox News.
Michael; I know you are committed to writing your reviews, and put a lot of effort into them. it is important for you to have the right publisher. i may not be it.
For instance, you may have reservations working for a newspaper run by a man who thinks that capital letters and proper punctuation are a communist plot to steal his testicles.
i have a deep moral objection to publishing reviews of films that offend me.
Ok, yeah, before we dive into the nutty gender politics, I just want to stand back and admire where wingnut denial tactics have brought us.
Wingnuts have always had at best a… bitter divorce from reality, viewing it as part of the liberal plot to make them look stupid whenever they open their mouths. And it’s only gotten worse now that there are no more suburbs to run to to hide from the knowledge that gay people, women, and minorities really do exist and they are becoming more and more electorally irrelevant.
But even with that “context”, this is still an obscene amount of willful denial.
Note, he’s not saying, he’s got a moral objection to watching films that offend him or even financially supporting films that offend him. Hell, he’s not even saying, he’s against publishing positive reality-based reviews of movies on his shit list.
Nope, no reviews whatsoever, because if he doesn’t print a review in his paper, that will somehow make the bad movie go away. This is newborn logic. The same thinking that causes a baby to freak out when you play peekaboo, because they really think you just disappeared when you put your hands over your eyes.
If getting rid of bad movies really was that easy, we’d actually have a means of preventing any more Adam Sandler movies seeing the light of day.
Well, we know his mental starting point. So what movie has raised his ire? Was it A Serbian Film and it’s quite literal depiction of torture porn? Was it something with a morally repugnant moral like “little girls totally trick older men into raping them so they can watch them go to jail”? Or-
snow white and the huntsman is such a film.
Of course! Because… er… Kristen Stewart’s acting is being completely suffocated underneath the void that is Bella Swan… or… sexist fairy tale adaptations never seem to wash the regressive fully out… um… bland mediocrity is a sin that should be punished?
Sorry, you’re going to need to lead me down this rabbit hole.
when my boys were young i would never have allowed them to go to such a film for i believe it would injure their developing manhood.
Hey now! Kristen Stewart may be woefully, unforgivably, painfully under-performing as an actress. But it’s not bad enough to physically stop the process of puberty!
I mean, honestly, it’s not like she’s Jake Lloyd.
if i would not let my own sons see it, why would i want to publish anything about it?
Ah, shorter wingnut billionaires in a nutshell. If I wouldn’t support it, why should I let you filthy peons have the option of even considering it.
I’d inquire further, but I’m terrified I’d learn that he actually does believe that not publishing a review in his paper is the same thing as pulling it off the movie theater marquee and burning all the negatives.
snow white and the huntsman is trash. moral garbage. a lot of fuzzy feminist thinking and pandering to creepy hollywood mores produced by metrosexual imbeciles.
That’s just… adorable.
You really think that some weak sauce pseudo-modernization of a sexist classic is the height of evil feminist indoctrination. I know I should be offended, but I’m just too busy snickering myself to death imagining this poor bastard trying to sit through Itty Bitty Titty Committee or Persepolis.
I don’t want to publish reviews of films where women are alpha and men are beta.
where women are heroes and villains and men are just lesser versions or shadows of females.
Well I guess your policy won’t affect more than a handful of movies a year then… sad to say.
Or at least I would say that, but frankly, if you’re already eating your own underwear at the tiny fraction of modern movies that barely have a female protagonist (as long as she’s not some dykey feminist who believes she’s still something without a man), then I imagine there’s a long laundry list of super macho movies that have committed some grievous sin against your precious bodily fluids.
… I mean masculinity.
i believe in manliness.
I AM A MAN! (Punch)*
not even on the web would i want to attach my name to snow white and the huntsman except to deconstruct its moral rot and its appeal to unmanly perfidious creeps.
Gosh, how terrible it must be for you to not have a giant platform to deconstruct the rot of popular media and culture. Say, in some form of review or maybe an opinion section where you can publish your sweaty panicked rant on the subject of the coming gynocalypse.
I guess what I’m saying is, you were given the option to either be a bigot or a coward and you managed to choose both.
i’m not sure what headhunter has to offer either but of what I read about it it sounds kind of creepy and morally repugnant.
Leaving aside the complete inanity of hating things you haven’t even bothered to see or the complete failure to get the title right on the film…
Headhunters is a little-known Norwegian film about a douchey manly man corporate dickhead and art thief who likes to collect women as trophies and is overall your standard crime thriller.
Apparently it offended our wilting flower’s delicate MAN-sensibilities because… it contains over 1 woman? Foreign commie cooties? A belief that all movies should be Kirk Cameron god-fests about men doing man things?
I’d elaborate, but Frank leaves this hanging here like a stubborn turd clinging to the ass hair of reality.
with all the publications in the world who glorify what i find offensive, it should not be hard for you to publish your reviews with any number of these.
And with a philosophy that states that anything that trips your malfunctioning trip wire of a moral temper tantrum should be carefully hidden away lest the proles become aware that there is such a thing as the internet or other newspapers, it should not be hard for you to quickly go bankrupt.
And no bet on whether, when that happens, you’ll go out with grace or blame the whole thing on feminist conspiracies against your “brave truth-telling” and “hard-news style”.
they seem to like critiques from an artistic standpoint without a word about the moral turpitude seeping into the consciousness of young people who go to watch such things as snow white and get indoctrinated to the hollywood agenda of glorifying degenerate power women and promoting as natural the weakling, hyena -like men, cum eunuchs.
Wow! So this is what it looks like when a Big Hollywood reader buys a newspaper.
the male as lesser in courage strength and power than the female.
it may be ok for some but it is not my kind of manliness.
No… Pretty sure that’s your kind of manliness. Not actual manliness or the state of actual men either in society or in the eyes of women, even feminist women, mind you.
But definitely,your kind of manliness. And it has little to do with your, er… manliness as it were.
If you care to write reviews where men act like good strong men and have a heroic inspiring influence on young people to build up their character (if there are such movies being made) i will be glad to publish these.
Dear, foolish reality-based liberal fiend. Please feed my desperate delusion about how the world works by rewriting works to better satisfy my insecurities about the waning power of male domination.
And do not try and sway me to your Obama-worshipping brainwash cult by noting that 99% of Hollywood movies still treat female characters as meaningless trophies or refrigerator incidents for male hero and male villain to clobber it out over.
That way leads towards actually acknowledging reality and the painful realization that no amount of desperate wishing it so will actually make women mindless sexbots who live for nothing other than to clean up your excretions and service you sexually.
i am not interested in supporting the reversing of traditional gender roles.
Yeah… on that note, has there yet been a male lead, even in the porn for girls genre, that has ever been half as useless and deliberately eye-candy as your average female love-interest?
In the example this dickhead throws out, the Huntsmen earns himself top billing despite being a side-character. Heck, even the Baby’s first BDSM porn crapfest that was Twilight still had its man-candy leads as the actual protagonists (seriously, I doubt you could come up with more than 5 times in the series where a major plot point hinges on something Bella does versus something the twin abusers do).
So let’s cut the BS. It’s not reversal of the gender roles you object to, it’s the loosening of them. Hell, it’s not even that, it’s the long belated realization by Hollywood that if they let women get sucked into the same film ghetto black audiences are stuck in, someone else is going to fucking eat their lunch by doing the bare fucking minimum.
But hey, by modern wingnut standards, that might as well mean that film women are having sapphic orgies upon the mutilated corpses of former action heroes.
i don’t want to associate the Niagara Falls Reporter with the trash of Hollywood and their ilk.
So, let me get this straight, any form of reporting, good, bad, or neutral, might as well be a loving spoon and plans for an engagement?
Does this single-handedly explain why newspapers have completely abandoned the notion that they are supposed to report on anything other than lovingly transcribed talking points?
it is my opinion that hollywood has robbed america of its manliness and made us a nation of eunuchs who lacking all manliness welcome in the coming police state.
It is also my opinion that the Soviet Union lives on and hides in my sock drawer, scratching out the expiration dates on my pickled onions and leaving coded messages on my dollar bills.
now i realize that you have a relationship with the studios etc. and i would have been glad to have discussed this in person with you to help you segue into another relationship with a publication but inasmuch as we spent 50 minutes on the phone from paris i did not want to take up more of your time.
Holy fuck. That must have been the most awkward hour long conversation EVER.
In short i don’t care to publish reviews of films that offend me.
In short, I want to become an internet meme and a perfect representation of everything wrong with print media at the moment.
if you care to condemn the filmmakers as the pandering weasels that they are…. true hyenas.
i would be interested in that….
Yeah, I’m sure you would be interested in that as would your 3 friends at the local John Birch Society meetup, but I’m not sure that would be a big hit with whatever remained of your readership.
“Snow White and the Huntsman is a film being shown in theatres, but enough about that, let’s talk about how the jews in Hollywood are teaming up with the Illuminati and the feminazis to steal Christmas.”
And the sad thing is that we’re only going to see more of this. Wingnuts have been given a hard choice of late, to finally grow up and accept that the world is bigger than their Klan meeting or to sink further and further into a complete fantasy world of their own creation.
And as we saw with Karl Rove on Election Night or the Smiler going into the final days or every single wingnut for the last 20 years at least, they’ve consistently chosen the latter. And as that has gotten more and more untenable, they’ve gotten more and more adamant, stamping their feet and pleading in the hopes that it will somehow make reality become as a dream and make all their delusions somehow real.
There is no aspect of reality so small, so meaningless to escape their pettiness and desperate denial. Not science, not polls, not even little mindless reviews filling up the pages before the local showtimes.
All must be destroyed and buried, lest the cognitive dissonance finally snap and deliver them, stillborn and unprepared in the world they’ve made for the rest of us.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. Throwing away the article I was working on to steal from Manboobz is invented by me. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
*Apologies to Linkara for shamelessly stealing his joke.