This is a real picture. Designed specifically to highlight his “sex appeal”… Wingnuts and media whores have strange strange fetishes.
J.T. Hatter, American Libido:
Is Paul Ryan Hawt?
So yeah, apparently there was a Salmonella outbreak recently. A bunch of peanut butter from about 50 “different” companies all operating out of this one factory in Georgia turned out to be tainted and there was a recall set in motion to correct the “whoopsie” otherwise known as “the FDA has been reduced to one guy named Phil”.
Luckily I was able to find this out and lend the FDA a much needed hand by becoming deliriously sick for a week until my body remembered how to properly function again. So patriotic duty fulfilled, I’m ready to jump back into the fray. Well, not so much jump per se seeing as how I managed to twist my ankle to the point it resembles a grapefruit punched repeatedly by Chris Brown.
But hey, I’m doped up on painkillers and ready for anything. C’mon wingnuts, give me your best shot!
Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):
- We don’t need to worry about the War on Women fucking us over because women are a pack of horny dogs that think with their dicks, I mean ovaries. And Paul Ryan turns me, I mean them, on more.
Shit, I’m still in a salmonella coma and this is all a waking dream. I was wondering why I wasn’t wearing any pants. Now to pinch myself and…
Oh dear Bob in Himmel, this is actually happening isn’t it?
Ok, let me get my pants back on, put the splooge guard over my face and prepare the disinfectant bath for what will surely be a cogent and intellectual missive.
Paul’s Hot! Joe’s Not.
Truly, an astounding wit!
I have to admit that I’m not “with it” anymore.
No. Stop laughing.
We haven’t yet begun to appreciate how utterly “without saying” this statement is.
I can’t dubstep. That would probably kill me.
We can only hope.
I’m a rock ‘n’ roller. That’s my music and my era.
Well, then by American Thinker standards you’re practically a young whipper-snapper with the hippity hops. What with most of the rest of the writers there still railing against rock as the devil’s song tempting the harlots and jezebels into the sins of dancing.
Obviously, with your youthful spirit and possible single remaining silver hair, you can answer for us the mystery of the female libido.
And that’s my excuse for completely missing out on the “Paul Ryan is hot” mania that is sweeping the country. It started as soon as Romney announced Paul Ryan as his running mate this summer. Women know all about it. They started it. They’re keeping it going. So there must be something to it.
Yes, women started the meme about Paul Ryan being hot. All the way back in Summer of this year, even! Cause you know, the preceding, what, 2, 3, 4 years of non-stop media fellation on how Ryan just looks like he has strong arms was apparently just the buzzing bullet to keep everyone warmed up for Full Scale Public Orgasm.
Yeah, who the hell does the right-wing media whores think they are fooling with this shtick? (Besides themselves?) Not only has Paul Ryan been reduced to a fucking punchline over the media trying desperately to sell this “he’s conservative but younger and more conventionally attractive and addicted to fad workouts and lying about his performance*” narrative like it was the One True Religion, but given his public statements on women and women’s health, his very name has become a powerful sterilizing agent for women.
Try it ladies. Say his name and you can actually feel your fallopian tubes trying to tie themselves into a hangman’s noose in a vain bid to escape.
Did you know there’s a dance called the Paul Ryan? Yep. Here’s the music vid. It’s a hot rocking dance tune with a catchy beat, a sizzling female lead singer, sexy dancing girls, and a radically cool band pounding out the music.
Oh you know we need to check this out!
You’re welcome for all the humor you need for the next week.
So, yes, our spritely young septuagenarian has, to argue his case that Ryan fever is melting the delicate lady brains among our impressionable youth, decided to cite a… video made by the National 912 PAC as a desperate response to this Paul Ryan parody video.
And if that PAC name seems oddly familiar, that’s because that would be the name of Glenn Beck’s SuperPAC. And you thought nothing Glenn Beck touched could ever warm your hearts.
Oh but we haven’t yet BEGUN to plumb the depths of desperate reaching yet.
You can go to the website and cast your vote for who’s hot and who’s not. Paul’s Hot! Joe’s Not. Cast your vote here.
Yes, that’s right, it’s a link to a literal “hot or not” site that seems to have been voted on exclusively by wingnuts given the “meter”, as it were, of the sparse comments on the results page. A results page with only 310 responses at the time of writing this.
There’s a way this could be more pathetic but it’s not coming immediately to mind. Maybe if you…
OK, I admit it. I voted. Guess whom for.
Yep, that’s the ticket. And, to let it not be said I pass up the easy joke: “Of course you did*, honey.”
The video says it is “Brought to you by people who are not politicians.” That’s why it resonates. Those are the people who will save the USA — not politicians.
That statement isn’t on the “music” “video”. Nor on the… all so critical “Hot or Not” poll. Nope, that’s straight from the SuperPAC’s Facebook page. You’d think if you were going to be that obvious about where the purse strings come from, you’d bother to put up a paid link or something.
Seriously, I haven’t seen a worse attempt at faking a “totally organic” video that has “gone viral entirely by chance” in my life. This is like a viral video B-movie where you can see the boom mike falling into frame and the script the actors are reading on the ground.
The “Do the Paul Ryan” music video had me bouncing in my chair
, so I decided to look more closely at the lyrics to discover if there were any profound political messages Ryan’s female supporters may have embedded in the song for us. Here’s the first verse:
This is really happening, isn’t it? Oh wow, it’s a Snarkmistress Christmas miracle!
“Do the Paul Ryan”
I wasn’t interested in politics much
But the changes keep a comin’
And I was out of touch
But I’m hopin’ for a change
And feelin’ kinda steamy
Never had a Veep who’s been so dreaaammyyy.
Uh oh, oh oh Paul Ryan
(chorus) He’s hot!
Oooo Baby you ain’t a lyin’
(chorus) Rockin’ hot!
Inside I think I’m dyin’
Uh oh, oh oh Paul Ryyyaaaannn!
Truly the greatest masterpiece Wingnutistan has ever paid a hack to churn out!
That tells the story about where the women are coming from.
Oh that it does. It tells the entire story from the moment they cashed the check to the moment Glenn Beck breathed out the lyrics while hunched over and panting in his studio.
I had to play the video about ten times to get the lyrics. I had to crank it up pretty loud, too, to pick out the words amid the rock-and-roll beat, racing car engines, and singing girls jumping up and down.
And that’s how you know that you’re dealing with a quality piece of work rather than some ordinary run-of-the-mill train-wreck. It’s the mark of real artisan failure, yanno?
That brought my teenage daughter into my office.
I totally believe that this is a real person and you are still young enough to have a teenage daughter.
“My ears are bleeding! What are you playing?”
I like imaginary teen daughter already!
“New music video on YouTube. Do you think Paul Ryan is hot?”
She looks at the computer.
It distracted her from my inappropriate hard-on.
“Isn’t he the Olympic swimming guy?”
“He’s our vice presidential candidate.”
Cause young people are all ignorant of politics in exactly the way that makes us look super smart for knowing such “insider info” as who is the Designated Hottie for the Republican ticket this year.
“Really? Well…not my type.” She looks closer. “He is kinda cute. Yeah, Dad. He’s really hawt!”
There you have it. She’s not old enough to vote, but I know where her estrogen is headed.
Man, I am so glad that this daughter is purely fictional because otherwise this would be Jerry Sandusky levels of creepy.
This amazes me. But I’m glad about it. Romney’s got good hair. He’s handsome for sure. Now I’m being told that Ryan, who I always thought looked like a CPA, is hawt (which I’m given to understand is much better than hot). I always admired him for his good sense, compassion for others, and brilliance in understanding our budget problems and formulating workable plans to solve them. Ryan’s selection as VP impressed me more than anything else Romney has done.
But this whole “Ryan is hot” thing is news to me, and a little strange, too. You think I’m making it up? This is even harder to believe — the entire liberal agitprop news media wholeheartedly agrees: Ryan is hawt.
So yeah, Paul Ryan is the new Sarah Palin is the new John McCain is the new George W. Bush for our sexually repressed nutters.
No wonder they clinged to Palin so long, it was the first time in over a decade where they could pretend to be entirely straight in their parade of thinly veiled man-crushes.
Politico said, “Forget the budget: Paul Ryan is hot!”
Salon said, “The entire Internet is losing its collective mind over a shirtless pic of vice presidential candidate, and fitness freak, Paul Ryan.”
TMZ said, “Paul Ryan – He’s hiding a 6 pack!!!” and “Rep. Paul Ryan may be the hottest Vice Presidential candidate ever … but we’re not talking policy.”
House sources tell TMZ that Ryan works out at the House gym every morning at 6:00 AM, and his routine is “fierce.” We’re told he’s kinda on the skinny side but “totally ripped and has a six pack.”
TMZ was first to reveal the Paul Ryan shirtless photo that was an internet craze.
ABC news said:
Both Twitter and Tumblr lit up with photos of the Republican budget maker, overlaid with quirky economy-related tag lines, as the “Hey Girl, It’s Paul Ryan” meme was born.
The Atlantic Wire ran a column entitled, “Is Paul Ryan Ushering in ‘The Year of the Manslut’?”
Policymic says, “‘Come hither’ looks seem to come naturally to him.”
Shorter Mad Hatter:
See, it’s not just me with the gay crush on Ryan. Lots of media whores want him and have wanted him for years… God, I’m bad at this!
The Hawt Vote
Females across the nation say, “Wow!”
Hey now, that’s absolutely true. The fact that it’s quickly followed by “What a flaming douchebag!” is completely immaterial.
And that translates into an awful lot of votes.
Oh definitely. Many many votes… for the man who doesn’t think contraception is Satan in Pill form.
Between Obama revealing himself as an empty chair and Biden being…well, Biden, we have a pretty good chance of pulling this election off — despite what the media spinners and pollsters say.
Really? We’re still pretending that Clint Eastwood’s chair stunt was anything than national embarrassment? Well, fool on me to correct them.
We just need to let the public see our soon-to-be President Romney and Vice President Ryan as they are:
competent, experienced adults.
Oh, that was my second guess.
Perhaps we could show the public a little more.
“By better than 2 to 1, Americans say the more they learn about Romney, the less they like him.”
Ryan flexing his pecs on nationwide television? Worth two whole points. Maybe three. We could take Pennsylvania. Somebody get his shirt off for fifteen minutes in front of the right camera, and we’ve got this election sewn up. This Thursday night, do you know where your wife or girlfriend is going to be? Sitting right in front of the TV watching the Ryan/Biden debate. You’ll see. She’ll be smiling, too.
Yes, I bet she will. I bet she is making sure her door is locked and her totally real daughter is out of the house. What with her being an easy mark for the faintest hint that she hasn’t hitched her ride to a party of sexually repressed Viagra-takers slowly** fading into political history.
But that’s okay, because when he winks at the debate, you’ll feel the starbursts in your old bitter heart and remember how to love again.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. I’m back, baby! We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
*In bed. Hiyo!
**Way too fucking slowly.