Jun
5

Oh No, Onanism Rears Its Ugly Head




Posted at 16:39 by Tintin


ABOVE: Cardinal Levada*

Shorter Cardinal William Levada, Vatican Press:
Notification of the Congregation for Blah Blah Blah, etc:**

  • If God had intended for priests to masturbate, he wouldn’t have invented altar boys

*An imaginative reconstruction of Cardinal Levada’s secret longings via the miracle of Photoshop. Not an actual photograph of the Cardinal. Do not try this at home. Closed course with professional clerics. (The best part of this disclaimer is that the idea of pedophile longing by the Cardinal is so believable that some people might actually believe this was a real photograph of the Cardinal.)

**Here’s a summary for Sadlynauts who would either prefer not to visit the Vatican website or who can’t make it through all the Cardinal’s bullshit in the original document


‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

425 Comments »

  1. Special One said,

    June 5, 2012 at 16:58

    Shut. Up. Numpties!

  2. Anonymous said,

    June 5, 2012 at 16:59

    Fist, er, first.

  3. Anonymous said,

    June 5, 2012 at 16:59

    Damn. Suck, er, Second.

  4. creature said,

    June 5, 2012 at 17:00

    Furst!

    I would not get outta da boat for the catlick choich, unless a sum of US$ was proffered. Say, $ 20,000. Cash, of course.

  5. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    June 5, 2012 at 17:04

    Of course, cats are gonna lick themselves.

    What?
    ~

  6. Alex said,

    June 5, 2012 at 17:07

    Gotta love the way an organization which covered up hundreds of priest-molesters and abetted tens od thousands of acts of pederasty across the globe calls masturbation, divorce, and gay marriage “seriously disordered.”

  7. wiley said,

    June 5, 2012 at 17:10

    …masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action.

    On the other hand, protecting pedophiles is jut one of those things.

  8. smedley said,

    June 5, 2012 at 17:13

    The good news is that, as of 10:13 AM CDT, the Church has not yet burned Sister Farley at the stake. Progress!

  9. bbkf said,

    June 5, 2012 at 17:14

    g dang it…who’s the kid in the picture…i wanna say adam rich, but i’m pretty sure it’s not…

  10. N__B said,

    June 5, 2012 at 17:23

    Masturbation disordered? That’s ridiculous. There’s a very definite sequence to follow…

    Nevermind.

  11. bbkf said,

    June 5, 2012 at 17:38

    There’s a very definite sequence to follow…

    it rubs the lotion on it’s skin…

  12. N__B said,

    June 5, 2012 at 17:39

    it rubs the lotion on it’s skin…

    If I wanted to hear about Gollum masturbating, I’d watch FOX News.

  13. N__B said,

    June 5, 2012 at 17:40

    A friend just sent me this link: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/414fa4b226/the-wire-the-musical-with-michael-kenneth-williams

  14. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    June 5, 2012 at 17:41

    re: masturbation.

    Sister Farley of the Holy Commas:

    My final observation is, then, that the norms of social justice as I have presented them would seem to apply to the choice of sexual self-pleasuring only insofar as this activity may help or harm, only insofar as it supports or limits, well-being and liberty of spirit. This remains largely an empirical question, not a moral one.

    Prefect Levada’s citation of teh Catch-all-ism:

    To form an equitable judgment about the subject’s moral responsibility and to guide pastoral action, one must take into account the affective immaturity, force of acquired habit, conditions of anxiety, or other psychological or social factors that lessen or even extenuate moral culpability.

    ?

  15. smedley said,

    June 5, 2012 at 17:46

    ‘Sister Farley says domestic partnerships, civil unions and same-sex marriage can “be important in transforming the hatred, rejection and stigmatization of gays and lesbians…..”‘

    The Vatican replied: We can’t have that!

  16. bbkf said,

    June 5, 2012 at 17:47

    The Vatican replied: We can’t have that!

    it’s more like, ‘bitch, shut UP!’

  17. kg said,

    June 5, 2012 at 18:11

    semi (heh) relevant

    http://gawker.com/5915811/the-catholic-church-should-not-expect-to-be-taken-seriously

  18. Pupienus doing his best Bill Donahue impression said,

    June 5, 2012 at 18:19

    1Timothy 2:12 I do not permit a woman to teach….

    Case closed and STFU bitch.

  19. Bitter Scribe said,

    June 5, 2012 at 18:19

    If they just kicked all the masturbators out of the Church, everything would be all right.

  20. Golem Heart said,

    June 5, 2012 at 18:25

    “masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action”

    I have always found it to be an orderly action. It never devolves into fighting or other interpersonal tumults. I have never continued to make unreasonable noise after being asked to stop. It has never disrupted a lawful assembly.

    Almost anything I do is more disordered. I mean look, I’m typing this from work.

  21. Pupienus said,

    June 5, 2012 at 18:37

    Everybody expects that nonsense from the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, formerly known as The Inquisition.

  22. tigris said,

    June 5, 2012 at 18:40

    in·trin·sic/in?trinzik/
    Adjective: … Contained wholly within the organ on which it acts.

    Oh yeah.

  23. smedley said,

    June 5, 2012 at 18:57

    But what about “gravely?”

  24. S. cerevisiae said,

    June 5, 2012 at 18:58

    Nobody expects the masturbation inquisition!

  25. Jennifer said,

    June 5, 2012 at 18:58

    contains “erroneous propositions” on homosexual acts, same-sex marriage, masturbation and remarriage after divorce that could cause confusion and “grave harm to the faithful.”

    Well, clearly the Sister has got things backwards; the policy of the Church is to cause “grave faith in the harmful.”

  26. tsam said,

    June 5, 2012 at 19:02

    MUST. STRANGLE. WHISTLING. COWORKER EMPLOYEE

    WHY? WHY? WHY WHWY WHY WHY DO PEOPLE FUCKING DO THAT? HOW DO THEY NOT KNOW THAT SHIT IRRITATES ME BADLY ENOUGH TO CONTEMPLATE MY THIRD MURDER?

  27. Pupienus said,

    June 5, 2012 at 19:05

    But what about “gravely?”

    Gravy can be used as lube in emergencies.

  28. Provider_UNE_GimmeAllTheBacon™®☢☣ said,

    June 5, 2012 at 19:06

    And I got nothing except a lolcat link to the bible verse that started it all:

    7 But Ceiling Cat was watching Er be badz! so Ceiling Cat killded him.8 Then Judah wuz liek “OK Onan, u know WHERE HARBLZ GO wif ur brother’s wife. Its ur job now to make kittenz for ur brother.”

    9 But Onan knew that the kittenz would not be hiz (bcz thatz how Jewish law workt LOL) so he wuz all “DO NOT WANT” n soz he pulld out n got man juice on teh floorz.10 Ceiling Cat didnt likez that neithr cuz tehn no kittehz are get created. So Ceiling Cat killded him too.11

  29. Provider_UNE_GimmeAllTheBacon™®?? said,

    June 5, 2012 at 19:08

    BADLY ENOUGH TO CONTEMPLATE MY THIRD MURDER?

    I have contemplated far more than just three murders my friend. I’d say that you were slacking.

  30. tigris said,

    June 5, 2012 at 19:18

    But what about “gravely?”

    Use of gravel contraindicated. “Getting one’s rocks off” is not to be taken literally.

  31. smedley said,

    June 5, 2012 at 19:18

    Ouch.

  32. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    June 5, 2012 at 19:19

    Awesome. Is what Farley’s response is.

    Here’s my Shorter:

    Dear Vatican,

    Sometimes things aren’t about you.

    Sincerely,
    Margaret Farley, R.S.M.

  33. tsam said,

    June 5, 2012 at 19:19

    I have contemplated far more than just three murders my friend. I’d say that you were slacking.

    committing my third murder. Which is not true. Both of those people were dead when I got there.

  34. N__B said,

    June 5, 2012 at 19:22

    Both of those people were dead when I got there.

    It’s a common problem. I, for one, come from a long line of dead people.

  35. Hogeye Grex said,

    June 5, 2012 at 19:22

    Shorter, shorter Cardinal Whatzizfuck: “Chuck you, Farley.”

    Which is what she gets for trying to quote the Beat-off-itudes.

  36. tsam said,

    June 5, 2012 at 19:22

    To form an equitable judgment about the subject’s moral responsibility and to guide pastoral action, one must take into account the affective immaturity, force of acquired habit, conditions of anxiety, or other psychological or social factors that lessen or even extenuate moral culpability.

    I DID do that, fuckface. I have determined that masturbation is an important part of adolescent development and a fantastic stress reducer for adults. PROTIP: Superstition is really hard on your sex life. Avoid it at all costs.

  37. Hogeye Grex said,

    June 5, 2012 at 19:24

    Gravy can be used as lube in emergencies.

    I’m not going to ask about the other way around.

  38. tsam said,

    June 5, 2012 at 19:24

    Dear Vatican:

    Eat shit and bark at the moon.

    Sincerely,

    tsam mortimisnurd III, esq

  39. Provider_UNE_GimmeAllTheBacon™®?? said,

    June 5, 2012 at 19:24

    http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/06/01/us-education-vouchers-idUSL1E8H10AG20120601

    This here has me contemplating even more.

  40. Hogeye Grex said,

    June 5, 2012 at 19:26

    It has never disrupted a lawful assembly.

    Well, there was that one time, but I managed to get those records sealed.

  41. Provider_UNE_GimmeAllTheBacon™®?? said,

    June 5, 2012 at 19:28

    committing my third murder.

    I know what you meant to not really mean, ’cause ya never got the chance…But you left a door open so…I considered it my duty.

    Just checked into google plus and they think I might be lonely since I didn’t add a bunch of people to my thingamajig. Sure i could put Jeffraham or edroso in there, but what would be the point.

    I am heartened by their heartfelt concern.

    Kill Will I.

  42. Provider_UNE_GimmeAllTheBacon™®☢☣ said,

    June 5, 2012 at 19:29

    mojo…back

  43. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    June 5, 2012 at 19:30

    It has never disrupted a lawful assembly.

    Yes, but it has disrupted traffic.

  44. Whale Chowder said,

    June 5, 2012 at 19:31

    Sr. Farley also manifests a defective understanding of the objective nature of the natural moral law…

    Y’see, it’s OBJECTIVE because we got it out of this book here plus these guys over there who we called infallible so therefore their word is unchanging, unless they change it later (see Vatican II / JP II / Ratzo).

    Oh, those kids crying over there? Pay no attention to them, they don’t count.

  45. tigris said,

    June 5, 2012 at 19:46

    objective nature of the natural moral law

    Natural moral law? Who what now? Does this mean if it exists in nature it’s moral? Sure, you can probably use that to justify child rape, but you’re going to have to give in on masturbation. So to speak.

  46. Substance McGravitas said,

    June 5, 2012 at 19:46

    Obviously if you just never say anything about masturbation it’s perfectly fine. On the other hand it is well known that ancient societies punished sexual deviance by giving them a transfer.

  47. N__B said,

    June 5, 2012 at 19:55

    The first rule of wank club is always talk about wank club.

  48. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    June 5, 2012 at 19:57

    Related.

  49. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    June 5, 2012 at 19:57

    To clarify, that link is related to “natural law” not to wank club.

  50. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    June 5, 2012 at 20:01

    The first rule of wank club is always talk about wank club.

    If someone says stop, or goes limp, teh wank is over.

  51. Golem Heart said,

    June 5, 2012 at 20:06

    SNL’s “Crystal Gravy” idea did look like a personal lubricant–

    http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/crystal-gravy/1354914

  52. S. cerevisiae said,

    June 5, 2012 at 20:22

    I can’t for the life of me find that old Kentucky Fried Movie clip that shows “the truth about masturbation”. It’s part of the Catholic High School Girls in Trouble bit and it shows a guy screaming with his hands tuning black.

    My google-fu is weak today.

  53. N__B said,

    June 5, 2012 at 20:31

    My google-fu is weak today.

    Used it all in the locker room before the game, eh?

  54. Pryme said,

    June 5, 2012 at 20:32

    Because of that pic, I’ll never be able to see an episode of “The Suite Life” again.

    And for that I am grateful.

  55. Provider_UNE_GimmeAllTheBacon™®?? said,

    June 5, 2012 at 20:36

    Transit of Venus begins at 22:09 UST. roughly 6:09 eastern. Next seen, next century 2117.

    You can see it today or hangout with GReynolds and his claque 105.5 years from now.

    if it too cloudy or whatnot, there will be plenty of online venues to watch the thing.

  56. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    June 5, 2012 at 20:40

    Transit of Venus begins at 22:09 UST. roughly 6:09 eastern. Next seen, next century 2117.

    Thanks for the reminder. Of course it’s cloudy here today, but hopefully there will be enough of a break to see it at some point.

  57. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    June 5, 2012 at 20:43

    Another thing to remember about wank club is that you should not stare straight into the sun without protection.

  58. S. cerevisiae said,

    June 5, 2012 at 20:46

    OT, but this shit pissed me off: http://wonkette.com/474340/barack-obama-now-trying-to-murder-white-children-with-asthma

    I worked for a while in indoor air quality and asthma is a serious fucking problem in poor communities, both rural and urban. Most of that dipshits readers sitting in their trailers are probably wondering why little Cletus is constantly sick.

  59. Bitter Scribe said,

    June 5, 2012 at 20:47

    MUST. STRANGLE. WHISTLING. COWORKER EMPLOYEE

    WHY? WHY? WHY WHWY WHY WHY DO PEOPLE FUCKING DO THAT? HOW DO THEY NOT KNOW THAT SHIT IRRITATES ME BADLY ENOUGH TO CONTEMPLATE MY THIRD MURDER?

    Go ask Alice.

  60. Rugosa said,

    June 5, 2012 at 20:48

    Heavy cloud cover here in the Northeast. Hope the weather’s better in 2117.

  61. Pupienus Maximus said,

    June 5, 2012 at 20:56

    If I have this right, the Inquisition decided they must wrangle the serpent to rub out such heresy. As it tickles their fancy they engage in a tango con mano with the good sisters who just believe in seasoning their fish. The Cardinal’s attempt was as effective as slapping a mackerel. They just couldn’t shuck that oyster. A spanking gone wrong, in which they end up getting their fingers stinky. C’mon Holy Mother Church, stiffen your upper lip and stop stoking that furnace.

  62. smedley said,

    June 5, 2012 at 20:56

    “OT, but this shit pissed me off: http://wonkette.com/474340/barack-obama-now-trying-to-murder-white-children-with-asthma

    “The Onion” clearly will not survive another Obama term.

  63. N__B said,

    June 5, 2012 at 20:57

    Hope the weather’s better in 2117.

    Most likely, cloudy and very hot.

  64. britbitter said,

    June 5, 2012 at 20:58

    My wife complains of a hummer in her office…

  65. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    June 5, 2012 at 20:59

    Yep. Cloudy and cool in Columbus, Ohio. Kind of a relief from the late July weather in May that we were having.

    Oh yeah, here’s something on topic:

    Katha Pollitt
    ?@KathaPollitt

    Dear Pope, please condemn my poetry! MT @suzyKhimm: Before Vatican condemned nun’s book on sexuality, twas 142,982 on Amazon Today it’s 19.

    ~

  66. Pupienus Maximus said,

    June 5, 2012 at 21:04

    btw, zrm needs to go vote.

  67. Donald Trump said,

    June 5, 2012 at 21:08

    I think the word ‘birther’ is a derogatory term, created by a certain group in the media,

  68. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    June 5, 2012 at 21:10

    Dollars to donuts, and brats, and beer, zrm has already voted.
    ~

  69. Helmut Monotreme said,

    June 5, 2012 at 21:29

    I voted already. Thanks for asking.
    /kicks sand

  70. N__B said,

    June 5, 2012 at 21:31

    Son, you need to talk to Jack LaLanne!

  71. S. cerevisiae said,

    June 5, 2012 at 21:33

    C’mon Wisconsin! Vote that bastard Walker out!

    Early reports are showing very heavy turnout in Dane county but also in the GOP suburbs of Milwaukee so it’s a battle of who gets the vote out the best.

  72. tigris said,

    June 5, 2012 at 21:39

    The asthma dude: “The official press release for this report does not commit itself on the question of whether greater asthmatic-racial “parity” ought to be attained by reducing the incidence of asthma among minorities, increasing the rate among whites, or some combination of the two.”

    You know why? Because every non-insane non-moron automatically knows what the fuck it means. Obviously we must stop regulating the free market so children will get jobs that pay well enough for them to move out of polluted areas.

  73. Hogeye Grex said,

    June 5, 2012 at 21:46

    I’m trying to decide whether to vote for Orly Taitz or DiFi in the primary. I can’t imagine DiFi not getting enough to get through, and boy, would it be fun to see Orly in the final, or what?

  74. Jennifer said,

    June 5, 2012 at 21:47

    Son, you need to talk to Jack LaLanne!

    I think it’s Charles Atlas he needs to talk to.

  75. zombie rotten mcdonald said,

    June 5, 2012 at 21:49

    Pupienus Maximus said,

    June 5, 2012 at 21:04 (kill)

    btw, zrm needs to go vote.

    Hah. I was gonna make a joke about reminding me to vote on today’s post about the recall, but I started drinking early and forgot.

    Yes, I just dropped in to BLOG WHORE.

    Well, actually, it’s thunder’s fault, but I suggest you blame fish.

  76. britbitter said,

    June 5, 2012 at 21:51

    Since he’s the one kicking the sand I don’t see how Charles Atlas can help him.

  77. actor212 (sponsored by Enzyte) said,

    June 5, 2012 at 21:51

    •If God had intended for priests to masturbate, he wouldn’t have invented altar boys

    Dude! I posted this comment yesterday on another website!

    It’s like we’re connected in some way…

  78. Pupienus Maximus said,

    June 5, 2012 at 21:53

    Sorry HT, I was thinking you wuz in Minnesoooohta.*

    *I can’t say it normally anymore, only in Jesse Ventura’s voice.

  79. Jennifer said,

    June 5, 2012 at 21:54

    Since he’s the one kicking the sand I don’t see how Charles Atlas can help him.

    How do you think the sand-kicking bully got to be the sand-kicking bully?

  80. actor212 (sponsored by Enzyte) said,

    June 5, 2012 at 21:55

    I can’t for the life of me find that old Kentucky Fried Movie clip that shows “the truth about masturbation”.

    Because it’s not “cheerleaders”

  81. Pryme said,

    June 5, 2012 at 22:00

    OT, but this shit pissed me off: http://wonkette.com/474340/barack-obama-now-trying-to-murder-white-children-with-asthma

    So the counter to the Voter Purge is the “Asthma Purge?”

    And as for this gem:

    Just what America needs — more comprehensive collaboration among federal agencies, not to mention their “partners.” This is needed, naturally, in the name of protecting “all Americans, no matter what community they call home.” Implication: specific, collaborative, comprehensive steps will be taken to ensure that in the future, America will no longer be a nation that “protects” only wealthy whites. In other words, America is racist down to its lungs, and only a comprehensive liberal agenda can combat it — “it,” in this case, being America.

    After the Wall Street bailouts, I was under the impression that protecting “wealthy whites” was essentially America’s mission statement. But it’s sad that “helping people who aren’t rich & white” is the new “liberalism.”

    It’s a shame there wasn’t some housing or economical legislation being passed around Congress that could have changed the living conditions for people so that executive decisions like this wouldn’t have to be made. Something to, I don’t know, stimulate something-something.

  82. Pupienus Maximus said,

    June 5, 2012 at 22:02

    OT

    TIL that Portland once had a Coon-Chicken Inn.

  83. N__B said,

    June 5, 2012 at 22:03

    Son, you need to talk to Jack LaLanne!

    I think it’s Charles Atlas he needs to talk to.

    True, but since when do I let historical accuracy bother me?

  84. S. cerevisiae said,

    June 5, 2012 at 22:08

    Thanks, Actor. That was the one, it’s been a long time since I watched that movie.

  85. Spearhafoc, who has been watching too much Game of Thrones said,

    June 5, 2012 at 22:11

    There were boobs in that video!

  86. Smut Clyde said,

    June 5, 2012 at 22:44

    8 And Judah cackled unto Onan, troll in unto thy sister’s palone affair, and marry her, and raise up maria to thy sister.
    9 And Onan knew that the maria should not be his; any road up, when she trolled in unto his sister’s palone affair, that she spilled it on the ground, lest that she should parker maria to his sister.
    10 And the fakement which she did displeased the Duchess: wherefore she ferricadoozaed her also.

  87. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    June 5, 2012 at 22:49

    TIL that Portland once had a Coon-Chicken Inn.

    Wow, I did not know that.

    When I was a kid, Sambo’s restaurants were all over the place. I thought it was just a west coast thing, but evidently they were all over.

    Not related: Corvallis had a great restaurant known for their desserts called “The Gay Parfait” and there was also a clothes shop called The Gay Blade. Both changed their names in the late ’70s/early ’80s and then went out of business.

  88. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    June 5, 2012 at 22:50

    FYWP: Sambo’s

  89. Golem Heart said,

    June 5, 2012 at 22:50

    Random link featuring R. Crumb’s depiction of Onan making a name for himself:

    http://iamyouasheisme.wordpress.com/tag/genesis/

  90. vacuumslayer said,

    June 5, 2012 at 22:54

    Yes, I just dropped in to BLOG WHORE.

    We’ve all done it. Yes, it’s dirty and illicit…but we just can’t help ourselves!

  91. M. Bouffant said,

    June 5, 2012 at 23:01

    I’m trying to decide whether to vote for Orly Taitz or DiFi in the primary. I can’t imagine DiFi not getting enough to get through, and boy, would it be fun to see Orly in the final, or what?

    Vote Orly, & vote often!!

  92. tigris said,

    June 5, 2012 at 23:04

    Yes, it’s dirty and illicit…

    Also too an intrinsically and gravely disordered action.

  93. M. Bouffant said,

    June 5, 2012 at 23:09

    TIL that Portland once had a Coon-Chicken Inn.

    I am more offended that you copy-cats have a “Hollywood neighborhood.”

    Looks as if Seattle & SLC each had one too.

  94. Substance McGravitas said,

    June 5, 2012 at 23:25

    I have a bunch of old Ada Jones and Billy Murray songs kicking around, and they’re mostly silly fun. But then there’s this. Our ancestors were hideous monsters and we’re not much better.

  95. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    June 5, 2012 at 23:39

    NASA’s Venus transit webcast starts in seven minutes…

    I don’t have my welding mask at work, but I did find some old floppy discs. Weather is not ideal, but who knows.

  96. M. Bouffant said,

    June 5, 2012 at 23:44

    Just read two ancient (1930s) stories by some jerk involving Chinamen & their Negro retainers doing what today’s loons think Obama’s doing: Invading & turning all the honkies into slaves. (Uh, except for the noble & white Americans hiding out & waiting, of course.)

    No silly fun apparent at all.

  97. Bitter Scribe said,

    June 5, 2012 at 23:56

    I think Arthur Leo Zagat should stick to restaurant reviews.

  98. exford legs said,

    June 6, 2012 at 0:24

    Hi sadlies. Quite a good image of Transit of Venus live stream at http://events.slooh.com/

  99. Whale Chowder said,

    June 6, 2012 at 0:31

    Another one on NASA TV: http://venustransit.nasa.gov/webcasts/nasaedge/

  100. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    June 6, 2012 at 0:35

    I won’t “ahem” WC, but I will say that a brief break in the clouds and my homemade two-layers-of-floppy filter worked for a great view just now. Cool beans.

  101. Snorghagen said,

    June 6, 2012 at 0:52

    Rearing the ugly head.

  102. S. cerevisiae said,

    June 6, 2012 at 1:25

    I just caught the transit live using my spotting scope as a projector. Really nice view – I could even see the same sunspots as the livestream.

  103. N__B said,

    June 6, 2012 at 1:25

    Rearing the ugly head.

    Speak for yourself, bub.

  104. Major Kong said,

    June 6, 2012 at 1:32

    Here’s a good pic of the transit of Venus:

    http://i47.tinypic.com/anorpl.jpg

  105. Whale Chowder said,

    June 6, 2012 at 1:34

    I won’t “ahem” WC

    Oh go ahead. You know you want to.

    I’m surprised how slowly the transit is occurring. I sort of expected it to be like an eclipse. Yes, if I’d thought for any time at all about the distances involved I would have known better. Feel free to point and laugh.

  106. Whale Chowder said,

    June 6, 2012 at 1:34

    Here’s a good pic of the transit of Venus:

    Wow, that’s a really clear image. Must’ve been taken by onea them space telemascopes.

  107. M. Bouffant said,

    June 6, 2012 at 1:35

    http://i47.tinypic.com/anorpl.jpg

    OK, I made humor noise, but didn’t actually open my mouth.

  108. N__B said,

    June 6, 2012 at 1:42

    OK, I made humor noise, but didn’t actually open my mouth.

    Vitreous humor? Are your eyeballs deflating?

  109. tigris said,

    June 6, 2012 at 1:45

    Here’s a good pic of the transit of Venus:

    http://i47.tinypic.com/anorpl.jpg

    Wow, it’s so clear!

  110. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    June 6, 2012 at 1:54

    …masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action.

    Disordering the action

  111. Smut Clyde said,

    June 6, 2012 at 1:57

    Transit of Venus [pre-empting BBBB].

  112. Major Kong said,

    June 6, 2012 at 2:07

    OK, I made humor noise, but didn’t actually open my mouth.

    Hey, I can’t help it if I’m easily amused.

  113. N__B said,

    June 6, 2012 at 2:19

    I wanna see a transit of Uranus.

  114. tigris said,

    June 6, 2012 at 2:26

    I wanna see a transit of Uranus.

    No doubt Substance is photoshopping it RIGHT NOW.

  115. Smut Clyde said,

    June 6, 2012 at 2:27

    With rings around it,

  116. Helmut Monotreme said,

    June 6, 2012 at 2:29

    How about a photoshop of the Venus of Willendorf riding the subway? or trying to decipher a transit map of new york?

  117. Louisiana Christian Skool with vouchers said,

    June 6, 2012 at 2:37

    This Transit of Venus stuff is nonsense! Everyone knows the sun revolves around the earth. Except when Joshua stopped it.

  118. Smut Clyde said,

    June 6, 2012 at 2:39

    The Transi of Venus.

  119. Substance McGravitas said,

    June 6, 2012 at 2:39

    I believe Venus Flytrap is the topical personality to shoot across the sun these days.

  120. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    June 6, 2012 at 2:40

    Transit of Venus [pre-empting BBBB].

    Just keep rubbing my nose in it right in front of averoinge everyone.

    I wanna see a transit of Uranus.

    No doubt Substance is photoshopping it RIGHT NOW.

    I’d imagine he’s kicking back and smoking a cigarette after his last opus. Damn, that was some incredible piece of ass work.

  121. Fenwick said,

    June 6, 2012 at 2:41

    Major: I too made a chuckle-y type sound.

    Watching the transit on live-stream.

  122. Both Sides Do It said,

    June 6, 2012 at 2:48

    Everything about that ‘shop is perfect. The expression of the Cardinal, the expression of the boy, the perspective, the relative sizes and positioning of the two, everything.

    Bravo, l’artiste

  123. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    June 6, 2012 at 2:58

    Isn’t teh transit of Venus one of them in-your-endos for female masturbation? Because if so, teh Intarb00bs tells me it happens a lot moar frequently than every hunnerd years or so.

  124. Pupienus said,

    June 6, 2012 at 2:59

    Transit of Uranus. Yo spear! It’s got a redhead in it!

  125. N__B said,

    June 6, 2012 at 4:00

    NBC News has called it for the goggle-eyed homunculus.

  126. Pryme said,

    June 6, 2012 at 4:11

    NBC News has called it for the goggle-eyed homunculus.

    A victory for Citizens United and big money donors everywhere. Now let’s watch the Right frame this as a proxy referendum on Obama.

  127. Pupienus said,

    June 6, 2012 at 4:20

    Too late Pryme – they’ve been doing it already. All the lame stream media have been going about it for days. It’s a harbinger, an omen, a sign, a herald, a prediction. It is the perfect proxy for the Rmoney Obama race. Blah and etc.

  128. Pupienus said,

    June 6, 2012 at 4:21

    Also too, the walker side outspent the others anywhere from 6 to 1 to 10:1. 75% of the money walker raised came from out of state.

    The fact is, its all zrm’s fault.

  129. S. cerevisiae said,

    June 6, 2012 at 4:47

    here’s a photo of projection (not the wingnut style): http://www.flickr.com/photos/stuspics_11/7158486949/in/set-72157630000446773/

  130. Lexicon Devil said,

    June 6, 2012 at 4:54

    Re: the solar system, I saw Sufjan Stevens’ “Planetarium” at the Sydney Opera House last week and it was motherfuckingly awesome: The dude is a bona fide genius.

  131. Snorghagen said,

    June 6, 2012 at 4:58

    masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action.

    Cardinal Levada wouldn’t have that problem if he cleaned himself up when he was done.

  132. N__B said,

    June 6, 2012 at 5:01

    Disordering the grave.

  133. M. Bouffant said,

    June 6, 2012 at 5:08

    The Ace of Paranoia:

    Warning: DO NOT CLICK ON ANY SITE YOU DON’T TRUST ABOUT THIS STORY. I think there is reasonable grounds for suspicion that your IP will be captured, and a malicious tracking cookie (or worse) inserted onto your computer.

    Do not click on any of the “bad” sites for this. Only go to trusted sites.

    I am sorry if this warning comes too late — I had it in my actual post on Ali.

    Have Internet Situational Awareness, here. I do not know if my suspicious are accurate, but there is no harm in being prudent.

  134. Spearhafoc, who has been watching too much Game of Thrones said,

    June 6, 2012 at 5:12

    Transit of Uranus. Yo spear! It’s got a redhead in it!

    Tom Servo is sex-incarnate.

  135. gocart mozart said,

    June 6, 2012 at 5:59

    Does anyone remember these guys http://blogs4brownback.wordpress.com/ and this http://richarddawkins.net/articles/1162-heliocentrism-is-an-atheist-doctrine

  136. gocart mozart said,

    June 6, 2012 at 6:01

    and a malicious tracking cookie (or worse)

    Mmmmm Cookies!

  137. Snorghagen said,

    June 6, 2012 at 6:07

    and a malicious tracking cookie (or worse)

    Maybe even a malicious tracking twinkie.

  138. Snorghagen said,

    June 6, 2012 at 6:07

    Or a twacking twinkie.

  139. Gordon, the Dancing Octoroon said,

    June 6, 2012 at 6:18

    Wait, wait… Was she a great big fat person?

  140. kg said,

    June 6, 2012 at 6:19

    My wife complains of a hummer in her office…

    ???complains???

  141. Another Kiwi said,

    June 6, 2012 at 6:38

    Ace says: Have Internet Situational Awareness, here That little round and round thing when pages are loading?
    Dangerous Internet Conditional Keckling?

  142. Smut Clyde said,

    June 6, 2012 at 6:50

    Have Internet Situational Awareness, here.

    I rate for International Situationist Awareness.

  143. Substance McGravitas said,

    June 6, 2012 at 6:55

    PEANIS

  144. Hogeye Grex said,

    June 6, 2012 at 7:14

    Transit of Venus

    Among the least interesting of Anaïs Nin’s works.

  145. Substance McGravitas said,

    June 6, 2012 at 7:36

    Don’t say the double-decker story wasn’t sexy.

  146. Marsupial said,

    June 6, 2012 at 9:28

    Leave Cody alooooooooooone!!!

  147. M. Bouffant said,

    June 6, 2012 at 9:29

    WANG.

  148. Spearhafoc, who has been watching too much Game of Thrones said,

    June 6, 2012 at 9:39

    Vampire fleshlight.

  149. S. cerevisiae said,

    June 6, 2012 at 12:31

    Fuck Scott Walker. With a rusty pitchfork. That is all.

  150. N__B said,

    June 6, 2012 at 13:15

    Walker gives people with asymmetrical heads a bad name.

  151. alec said,

    June 6, 2012 at 13:41

    masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action.

    And God hates that. See, what you have to do – supposing you have to masturbate, especially to things God especially dislikes – is to get together with an organization. Some kind of hierarchy, with strictly defined rules and leaders and absolute loyalty to both. Maybe those leaders might bend those rules a little, if good people are looking at a pinch over it. That’s for them to decide.

    We don’t talk about this thing of ours.

    (Rejected punchlines: “it was among the Italians, real greaseball shit”; “but until that day consider this masturbation a gift on Mary’s wedding day”; etc etc.)

  152. alec said,

    June 6, 2012 at 13:42

    “You really are a holy guy!”

  153. Pryme said,

    June 6, 2012 at 15:22

    Shorter Bill O’Reilly: The rich should not be harassed for getting things like scholarships even though non-rich people would benefit from them just as much, unless they’re…well, you know…*wink*.

  154. kg said,

    June 6, 2012 at 15:42

    Asymmetrical heads : a new hipster trend?

  155. Helmut Monotreme said,

    June 6, 2012 at 15:49

    Is there any good news today?

  156. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    June 6, 2012 at 15:50

    PEyroNIeS.

  157. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    June 6, 2012 at 16:03

    POOP

  158. Pryme said,

    June 6, 2012 at 16:11

    Is there any good news today?

    Miley Cyrus is engaged, meaning her Celebrity Cycle is about halfway complete.

    Wisconsin has control of the State Senate (recount pending).

    Um…Doritos-shelled Tacos?

  159. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    June 6, 2012 at 16:11

    On a less general good news note, one of teh two new cats (Alpha Cat) has resigned herself to her new housemates and is now treating us two-leggers with a more reasonable amount of disdain and contempt (i.e. a lot). Other One still bearing a grudge over that whole who’s a pretty pretty kitty uh-huh uh-huh pretty pretty OWWW incident. Which is pretty rich considering I’m teh one with teh hole in my hand.

  160. tigris said,

    June 6, 2012 at 16:20

    Shorter Bill O’Reilly: The rich should not be harassed for getting things like scholarships even though non-rich people would benefit from them just as much, unless they’re…well, you know…*wink*.

    I love the conservative commenter who’s all “it’s a benevolent suggestion because conservatives are so generous!” Conservatives are also so brave, as seen when they courageously suggest “let’s you and him fight.”

  161. Major Kong said,

    June 6, 2012 at 16:33

    who’s a pretty pretty kitty uh-huh uh-huh pretty pretty OWWW

    Welcome to my world.

  162. actor212 (sponsored by Enzyte) said,

    June 6, 2012 at 17:02

    my spotting scope

    Antibiotics, stat.

  163. vacuumslayer said,

    June 6, 2012 at 17:02

    PEANIS

    I think wanting that book makes you kind of an asshole, but that won’t stop me.

  164. kg said,

    June 6, 2012 at 17:27

    The book looks cool but I’m guessing fairly useless without a shitload of specialized equipment, unless you’re just interested in learning about the techniques, etc.

    That Nathan Myhrvold is a regular renaissance man I tells ya.

  165. Pupienus said,

    June 6, 2012 at 17:38

    Physicians may also manipulate the penis manually

    Because if the patient did it they might masturbate!

  166. jim, now 30% more intrinsically & gravely disordered said,

    June 6, 2012 at 17:53

    Cardinal Hover-hand = obvious Photoshop.

    PS: I found this post somewhat difficult to fap to.

  167. Gary Ruppert said,

    June 6, 2012 at 18:01

    The fact is, suck it liberals, socialists and union parasites. We WON in Wisconsin, and be we I mean Real Americans. You losers lost. Get over it and get a real job.

  168. N__B said,

    June 6, 2012 at 18:05

    Physicians may also manipulate the penis manually

    The lack of a Barry White soundtrack in the examination rooms is a buzz-kill.

  169. Pryme said,

    June 6, 2012 at 18:46

    Get over it and get a real job.

    I thought that’s what John Boehner was supposed to working on.

  170. bbkf said,

    June 6, 2012 at 18:57

    Is there any good news today?

    uuuuuhhhh…a buddy of mine who is speaker of the house in south dakota and is a staunch catholic/conservative/republican took a shellacking in the primary there yesterday…i have mixed feelings about this since said speaker is a fellow thespian and is also one of my bigger donors and committee members…but hey you win some you lose some…this is of course all tempered by the news that sd went with mittens…

  171. Whale Chowder said,

    June 6, 2012 at 19:00

    Physicians may also manipulate the penis manually

    Because if the patient did it they might masturbate!

    So if somebody else does it for you it’s not masturbation?

    If you don’t spill it on the ground is it masturbation?

    AFAF.

  172. smedley said,

    June 6, 2012 at 19:04

    In other news, Governor Skeletor is apparently going to channel his inner George Wallace/Orval Faubus and defy the Feds. We’ll see if Holder can find the pair of spheres that were rumored to have been once been attached to his nether regions.

  173. alec said,

    June 6, 2012 at 19:06

    In other news, Governor Skeletor is apparently going to channel his inner George Wallace/Orval Faubus and defy the Feds. We’ll see if Holder can find the pair of spheres that were rumored to have been once been attached to his nether regions.

    Oh, but then he’d look like a looooser if Rick wiiiiiins can’t you see the big picture.

    11-dimensional chess!! I got this!! Pbbbbb.

  174. tigris said,

    June 6, 2012 at 19:11

    So if somebody else does it for you it’s not masturbation?

    If somebody else does it for you it’s “getting a real job.” This also makes you a job creator so THANK YOU, PATRIOT.

  175. alec said,

    June 6, 2012 at 19:24

    If somebody else does it for you it’s “getting a real job.”

    Back in twenty-ought-seven I got me a real job behind the Thomas & Mack Center offa black guy and a lady in business casual. Shit was so cash.

  176. tigris said,

    June 6, 2012 at 19:35

    THANK YOU, PATRIOT.

  177. S. cerevisiae said,

    June 6, 2012 at 19:44

    There’s your real job creators.

  178. smedley said,

    June 6, 2012 at 19:49

    “Oh, but then he’d look like a looooser if Rick wiiiiiins can’t you see the big picture.”

    Well, the law is clear:

    “(2)(A) A State shall complete, not later than 90 days prior to
    the date of a primary or general election for Federal office, any
    program the purpose of which is to systematically remove the names
    of ineligible voters from the official lists of eligible voters.”

    Florida has a primary on August 14.

  179. alec said,

    June 6, 2012 at 19:55

    The law might be clear, but for fuck’s sake, something like 10-15% of Scott’s constituency voted for Obama in 2008 and plans to vote for him in 2012. When it comes to anything that would actually involve sticking their necks out for the base the Obama administration isn’t cautious and it isn’t indifferent – it’s just cowardly.

    Now, stick a drum circle or an Pashtun wedding around Rick Scott’s felonious ass and you’ve suddenly got another story.

  180. smedley said,

    June 6, 2012 at 20:12

    Twould be interesting, no? if someone like Alcee Hastings filed a bill of impeachment against Holder for failure to do his job………

  181. bbkf said,

    June 6, 2012 at 20:16

    Everything about that ‘shop is perfect. The expression of the Cardinal, the expression of the boy, the perspective, the relative sizes and positioning of the two, everything.

    it is still driving me crazy…that kid looks familiar…wasn’t he on a teevee series in teh 70s? my google-fu was woefully weak yesterday in trying to find an answer…

  182. tigris said,

    June 6, 2012 at 20:21

    Apparently some Walker voters were against the recall “on principal.” I read a letter in which some idiot opined that a recall was “to remove a politician from office who broke the law…”(which theory was apparently word-for-word handed down from the Walker people). Well, no, you can read the law and that isn’t the purpose of a recall, otherwise there wouldn’t be a one-year grace period etc. And why have an impeachment process(which Wisconsin does) if the recall already has it covered? No, the recall is specifically NOT for misconduct or law-breaking, morons, that would be impeachment; a recall is EXACTLY for trying to remove people for political reasons, i.e. that you think the person’s policies are materially harming the state, etc.

  183. Bitter Scribe said,

    June 6, 2012 at 20:32

    I’m dubious about the whole concept of recalls myself, but if those are the rules, play by them. It would never in a million years occur to me to vote in a recall election for a governor I thought was ruining the state just because I don’t like the concept of recalls.

    I wonder how many of the people who voted out Gray Davis were troubled by “principles.”

  184. N__B said,

    June 6, 2012 at 20:32

    i.e. that you think the person’s policies are materially harming the state, etc.

    Or, as in Walker’s case, that he lied to the public in a non-felonious but real manner.

  185. Pryme said,

    June 6, 2012 at 20:34

    it is still driving me crazy…that kid looks familiar…

    Well this or this might help.

  186. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    June 6, 2012 at 20:35

    Is there any good news today?

    No.

    RIP Ray Bradbury.

  187. Pupienus Maximus said,

    June 6, 2012 at 20:41

    Is there any good news today?

    Yes. http://www.powells.com/subjects/featured-titles/third-books-a-charm/

    OBS – you be comin up for the Cider Summit? It’s in the park directly across the street so I can stumble home. Crawl, even.

  188. vacuumKongslayer said,

    June 6, 2012 at 20:46

    Btw, is this Gary the real deal or a parody? I honestly can’t tell.

  189. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    June 6, 2012 at 20:48

    http://www.powells.com/subjects/featured-titles/third-books-a-charm/

    For those on that list that I’ve read: “The Art Of Racing in The Rain” is an enjoyable read for people that like dogs and F1. And I’m apparently the only person on the planet that absolutely fucking hated “Wicked.”

    OBS – you be comin up for the Cider Summit?

    Sadly, no. I’m traveling on vacation for a couple weeks around then.

  190. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    June 6, 2012 at 21:07

    Btw, is this Gary the real deal or a parody? I honestly can’t tell.

    You mean original fake Gary, or some facsimile?
    ~

  191. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    June 6, 2012 at 21:08

    Btw, is this Gary the real deal or a parody? I honestly can’t tell.

    You mean original fake Gary, or some facsimile?

    Famous Original Gary? F’n’ Gary’s worse than Ray’s Pizza in that regard.

  192. N__B said,

    June 6, 2012 at 21:12

    Mad Orly goodness: http://wonkette.com/474521/no-one-has-to-slap-orly-taitz-in-the-face-as-she-will-never-concede-never-surrender#comments

  193. actor212 (sponsored by Enzyte) said,

    June 6, 2012 at 21:14

    Famous Original Gary?

    Original Famous Gary Bari

  194. alec said,

    June 6, 2012 at 21:20

    Gary Ruppert is real wherever children dream of adults dreaming of children dreaming; wherever a Christian mother sees a single black father and asks, “Why not?”; whenever a thirty-story Sequoia redwood falls on an endangered eagle and no one’s around to hear; whenever fireworks ignite the river on the Third of July.

    Gary Ruppert is real whenever a fifteen-year-old boy puts off practice with his garage band to call people faggots on a Youtube clip of Moonfaker – but surprise, “he”‘s really a girl!; whenever a McDonalds lays off its assistant manager and promotes an employee instead of headhunting; whenever Obama misses a tiny part of his taint when he wipes; whenever an F-16 cripples an F-14 on the runway and the Pakistani airmen curse at each other in perfect English.

    Gary Ruppert is as real as the cholesterol clogging our hearts, as true as the hearts of America’s televangelists, as serious as ptomaine poisoning.

    The fact is, we’re all Gary Ruppert now.

  195. alec said,

    June 6, 2012 at 21:34

    Rejected criteria: whenever Tom Clancy fantasizes about killing a swamp rabbit; whenever Temple Grandin’s face is the last thing a cow sees; whenever swarthy foreigners look back fondly on Nathan’s Original hot dogs eaten in their youth; wherever Latin colonels play beach volleyball in nothing but short shorts and sunglasses; wherever Carrefour sells more coffee than tea; wherever a band in a Japanese dive bar unironically begins, “One two three four!”; wherever childhood obesity consultants replace pickles with avocado in school lunches; whenever a chancery court is in session; wherever one man gives another a handjob.

  196. Pupienus Maximus said,

    June 6, 2012 at 21:49

    And I’m apparently the only person on the planet that absolutely fucking hated “Wicked.”

    You are dead to me.

  197. Golem Heart said,

    June 6, 2012 at 21:56

    “Apparently some Walker voters were against the recall ‘on principal.’ I read a letter in which some idiot opined that a recall was ‘to remove a politician from office who broke the law…’ (which theory was apparently word-for-word handed down from the Walker people).”–tigris

    I agree on all counts. But in any case, Walker DID break the law, as will become clear. He just stonewalled the investigations long enough to win the recall. He’ll be indicted, then maybe survive as a Tea Party darling with no electability and no national future.

    “It would never in a million years occur to me to vote in a recall election for a governor I thought was ruining the state just because I don’t like the concept of recalls.”–Bitter Scribe

    Precisely. Nice priorities. What does one proudly tell future generations, cowering in the rubble. These are excuses not meant to withstand scrutiny.

    As a new (2011-) Wisconsin-dweller, late of Los Angeles, I am feeling glum about the whole thing. I typed other stuff then backspaced. Fuck it for now.

  198. bbkf said,

    June 6, 2012 at 21:57

    Pryme said,

    June 6, 2012 at 20:34

    oh, goddammit! it’s that kid/s?!? well, now i feel like a big maroon for trying to place him back in the 70s…although that hairdo is misleadinly 70sh…

    also, too…how do you know of zac and cody?

  199. Spearhafoc, who has been watching too much Game of Thrones said,

    June 6, 2012 at 21:57

    wherever one man gives another a handjob.

    You say that like it’s a bad thing.

  200. Pryme said,

    June 6, 2012 at 22:03

    Kids say the darnest things.

  201. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    June 6, 2012 at 22:05

    And I’m apparently the only person on the planet that absolutely fucking hated “Wicked.”

    You are dead to me.

    Hmm, it doesn’t feel any different to be a zombie. We’ll see how lunch goes. And now I’m wondering when I’ll start “going for a shamble” instead of a run.

  202. alec said,

    June 6, 2012 at 22:14

    You say that like it’s a bad thing.

    I’m still a little baffled as to why a man would give another man a handjob. I mean, you know what a handjob’s like. Don’t be like that.

  203. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    June 6, 2012 at 22:15

    Kids say the darnest things.

    Kid’s only saying that because he sucked off his pastor last night and hw wants to blame the current administration.

  204. Substance McGravitas said,

    June 6, 2012 at 22:20

    How do you prove homosexuality is a choice unless you go have homosexual sex? It’s a pickle.

  205. bbkf said,

    June 6, 2012 at 22:21

    Kids say the darnest things.

    proving once again that there is nothing obama can’t do!

  206. bbkf said,

    June 6, 2012 at 22:21

    It’s a pickle.

    heh…that’s what he said…

  207. tigris said,

    June 6, 2012 at 22:21

    I’m still a little baffled as to why a man would give another man a handjob.

    Doesn’t ruin your gum? Just guessing* here.

    *because “spitballing” sounds so wrong in context.

  208. Helmut Monotreme said,

    June 6, 2012 at 22:22

    Is Gary Ruppert real when a multimillion dollar drone broadcasts surveillance video unencrypted? What about when the Army wants to use a $3,000,000 mine proof troop carrier to replace a $90,000 Hummer which was invented to replace a $2000 jeep? Is he real when oil companies defraud native Americans by underpaying for oil drilled on reservations? Is he real when the TSA pulls aside someone with middle eastern name for a ‘random’ search? Is he real when copyright terms get extended to ‘life +70 years’ to keep Mickey Mouse out of the public domain again? Is he real when a gun rights advocate shoots himself during a gun safety presentation?

  209. alec said,

    June 6, 2012 at 22:27

    Is Gary Ruppert real when a multimillion dollar drone broadcasts surveillance video unencrypted? What about when the Army wants to use a $3,000,000 mine proof troop carrier to replace a $90,000 Hummer which was invented to replace a $2000 jeep? Is he real when oil companies defraud native Americans by underpaying for oil drilled on reservations? Is he real when the TSA pulls aside someone with middle eastern name for a ‘random’ search? Is he real when copyright terms get extended to ‘life +70 years’ to keep Mickey Mouse out of the public domain again? Is he real when a gun rights advocate shoots himself during a gun safety presentation?

    Yes, and whenever PETA buys ad time, and also whenever Rick Santorum irons down his perfect, masculine part and dreams of a new life in Key West.

    *because “spitballing” sounds so wrong in context.

    And yet it feels so right in any context.

  210. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    June 6, 2012 at 22:29

    Is he real when a gun rights advocate shoots himself during a gun safety presentation?

    Is he real when a snake-handling evangelist preacher dies after being bitten by a rattlesnake during a “service”?

  211. N__B said,

    June 6, 2012 at 22:30

    *because “spitballing” sounds so wrong in context.

    So wrong, and yet so right. I snarfled.

  212. N__B said,

    June 6, 2012 at 22:31

    Is he real when a snake-handling evangelist preacher dies after being bitten by a rattlesnake during a “service”?

    What about the snakes? WON’T ANYONE THINK ABOUT THE SNAKES?

  213. alec said,

    June 6, 2012 at 22:32

    He is so real that auch auf Deutsch er ist Amerikaner.

  214. Helmut Monotreme said,

    June 6, 2012 at 22:34

    What about the snakes? WON’T ANYONE THINK ABOUT THE SNAKES?

    Poor snake, it probably took hours to get the taste of pentacostal out of its mouth.

  215. tigris said,

    June 6, 2012 at 22:40

    Poor snake, it probably took hours to get the taste of pentacostal out of its mouth.

    Totally ruined his gum.

  216. bbkf said,

    June 6, 2012 at 22:43

    Totally ruined his gum.

    luckily i was not consuming any liquids when i read this…

  217. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    June 6, 2012 at 22:50

    Here’s a little something for all you cat people in Sadlynoughton.

  218. Pupienus Maximus said,

    June 6, 2012 at 22:52

    HAHAHAHAHA

    Totally OT,
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=SHdhiQo_rUQ

  219. Bitter Scribe said,

    June 6, 2012 at 22:56

    “And these signs will follow those who believe: In My name they will cast out demons; they will speak with new tongues; and they will get handjobs from snakes.”

  220. Whale Chowder said,

    June 6, 2012 at 23:01

    I’m still a little baffled as to why a man would give another man a handjob.

    Doesn’t ruin your gum?

    Blowjobs lead to gum disease? Why wasn’t I told?!

  221. Pryme said,

    June 6, 2012 at 23:05

    What about the snakes? WON’T ANYONE THINK ABOUT THE SNAKES?
    Sure, why not ?

    Everything about that ‘shop is perfect. The expression of the Cardinal, the expression of the boy, the perspective, the relative sizes and positioning of the two, everything.
    Since I’m already on the site…relevant, maybe?

    also, too…how do you know of zac and cody?
    I watch TV…some would say a little too much TV.

  222. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    June 6, 2012 at 23:08

    and they will get handjobs from snakes.

    Now, THAT’s what I call a miracle.

  223. Substance McGravitas said,

    June 6, 2012 at 23:14

    Miracles happen on Whacking Day.

  224. bbkf said,

    June 6, 2012 at 23:24

    I watch TV…some would say a little too much TV.

    i’d say! the daughter used to watch that one…the few times i glimpsed it with her, the mom’s hair drove me crazy…

  225. Golem Heart said,

    June 6, 2012 at 23:28

    I don’t see how a male-to-male handjob is any less comprehensible than a female-to-male one. Allowing for preference, of course. I suppose being gay sometimes means wanting gnarly man-hands on your junk.

    An old friend of mine — the fool that drank chloroform, if you recall — used to complain bitterly and in total seriousness that he could not masturbate. His hands were too gnarly from his work. Nor would his young wife have sex with him. I don’t blame her, but I was led to believe she’d hole up in a hotel room with the baby and turn tricks. Who knows, though.

    When I was about nineteen, and as straight as always, I let an old guy blow me. Growing up in Palm Springs I used to get hit on regularly. So I had this one gay experience. On agreeing to the -job I remembered that B. had a full set of dentures. (He was about sixty, but had no teeth. Narcoleptic. Never wore pants around the mobile home. Nice enough guy for a creep; took in male runaways.) So he took out his teeth and gave me the worst blowjob I have ever had. Poor technique, over-suction, gums. Just awful.

    If you’re in Palm Springs and an octagenarian former vending-machine repairman plies you with liquor, just take a pass on the BJ. Trust me.

  226. Major Kong said,

    June 6, 2012 at 23:36

    When I was about nineteen, and as straight as always, I let an old guy blow me.

    I’ve apparently led a very boring life.

  227. Smut Clyde said,

    June 6, 2012 at 23:36

    Now, THAT’s what I call a miracle.
    Snakes got hands. The only reason they go upon their bellies is that GOD WILLS IT.

  228. alec said,

    June 6, 2012 at 23:40

    The thing is that female-on-male handjobs aren’t better, but they make more sense because, you know, there’s stuff we all don’t know about how the other half lives, right? I mean, don’t take this as gospel or anything, but it’s been my experience unless you want to dive-bomb the prostate (and if so more power to you) there’s not really much you can do to a dude with your hands he can’t do to himself with his hands, and he’s probably better at it. If you’re gonna go all the way with a guy why not do literally anything more erotic, like watching Law & Order and going to bed. Get to Briscoeth Base already, why don’t you.

    The distinction is that at least someone born with a vagina has an excuse not to understand this.

    The best way I’ve heard it brings us back to the theme: the only way a handjob can ever be worth it is due to its accidents, not its substance.

    (Also not actually joking when I say I’m existentially disappointed and harrowed by the idea of someone with dentures giving bad head. My God, what do we persist on this Earth for?)

  229. Major Kong said,

    June 6, 2012 at 23:41

    Is he real when a snake-handling evangelist preacher dies after being bitten by a rattlesnake during a “service”?

    Major Kong’s rules for leading a long and healthy life #5

    LEAVE THE SNAKES ALONE!

    Mr. Rattlesnake really doesn’t want to be part of your little church service and he was perfectly happy sleeping on a rock before you decided to pick him up and use him as a prop.

  230. alec said,

    June 6, 2012 at 23:42

    Also, in re: your dumbass associate – what, was cutting a hole in a Honeydew regarded as declasse in Palm Springs?

  231. Bitter Scribe said,

    June 6, 2012 at 23:43

    So he took out his teeth and gave me the worst blowjob I have ever had.

    Al Goldstein, editor of Screw magazine, which was a big deal in the pre-Intertoobz porn world, told Playboy that a toothless old guy gave him the best blowjob he’d ever had–better than Linda Lovelace.

  232. alec said,

    June 6, 2012 at 23:44

    A long and healthy life free of old man blowjobs, anyway.

    Now, if you want to live on the edge and get blown by old men every day? Fuck with snakes at every opportunity. Sometimes it’ll wind you up in the ER, and sometimes it’ll be just the edge you need with that old queen. Which do you think you’ll look back fondly on in your dotage? Neither!

  233. Major Kong said,

    June 6, 2012 at 23:44

    there’s not really much you can do to a dude with your hands he can’t do to himself with his hands, and he’s probably better at it

    That’s because he’s probably had a lot more practice.

  234. Substance McGravitas said,

    June 6, 2012 at 23:46

    it’s been my experience unless you want to dive-bomb the prostate (and if so more power to you) there’s not really much you can do to a dude with your hands he can’t do to himself with his hands, and he’s probably better at it.

    Yes, but if you’re a hideous monster who barely deserves to live having it done by someone who’s nice/hot/interesting/present is a step up.

    ANSWERING FOR A FRIEND.

  235. alec said,

    June 6, 2012 at 23:48

    Yes, but if you’re a hideous monster who barely deserves to live having it done by someone who’s nice/hot/interesting/present is a step up.

    I was going to crack wise about getting a handjob from someone in the next room, but then Mr. Terrible Gummy Head got me listening to Radiohead and scowling miserably and now I’m just imagining a little tableau of a man who keeps going to the glory hole in search of glory and receives only horrible, unsatisfying handjobs. One of your lesser works of Ibsen.

  236. Major Kong said,

    June 6, 2012 at 23:48

    Yes, but if you’re a hideous monster who barely deserves to live having it done by someone who’s nice/hot/interesting/present is a step up.

    There’s got to be a Rule 34 in here somewhere.

  237. Spearhafoc, who has been watching too much Game of Thrones said,

    June 6, 2012 at 23:50

    I have had it with these motherfucking snakes giving motherfucking handjobs on this motherfucking plane!

  238. Smut Clyde said,

    June 6, 2012 at 23:52

    you want to dive-bomb the prostate
    “And this little beauty, we call it the Stuka”.

  239. vacuumslayer said,

    June 7, 2012 at 0:06

    Now I’m kinda disappointed. I always thought, under the right circumstances, handies could be pretty hot and sexy.

  240. Substance McGravitas said,

    June 7, 2012 at 0:10

    Alec misapprehends the value of “Hey look! My boner!” but that is probably good for his arrest record.

  241. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    June 7, 2012 at 0:12

    you want to dive-bomb the prostate
    “And this little beauty, we call it the Stuka”.

    Stukas over jizzy gland.

  242. alec said,

    June 7, 2012 at 0:19

    Alec misapprehends the value of “Hey look! My boner!” but that is probably good for his arrest record.

    I always thought, under the right circumstances, handies could be pretty hot and sexy.

    The circumstances are what make it. By contrast, if there’s bad circumstances for a quality blow-jo I’m not familiar with them. (Don’t knock Seven Minutes In Krema 2 until you’ve tried it.)

    I mean, you see sexy times, I see suboptimal sexy times. Where is the cost-benefit analysis on this handsman? Why has no one calculated the opportunity cost?

    We must party with relentless Taylorist efficiency.

  243. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    June 7, 2012 at 0:38

    A (straight) person would have to have some seriously weird priorities if you’re having so much sex that you would demure from receiving a well-executed hand job from a woman with pretty hands, soft skin, manicured nails, that certain look in her eyes…

    I’ll be in my bunk.

  244. Substance McGravitas said,

    June 7, 2012 at 0:45

    The circumstances are what make it.

    Well sure. I don’t want a handjob from Bob Dole – particularly not from that one arm – but neither do I want to do anything else with him.

  245. Golem Heart said,

    June 7, 2012 at 0:46

    “Also, in re: your dumbass associate – what, was cutting a hole in a Honeydew regarded as declasse in Palm Springs?”

    Remember, he was stupid. Plus the thing about solitary activities is that people don’t network/exchange notes as well as they could. At least before the internet. Come to think of it, as varied an existence as I’ve had, I don’t think I heard of the melon gambit until I was about thirty.

  246. Whale Chowder said,

    June 7, 2012 at 0:47

    I always thought, under the right circumstances, handies could be pretty hot and sexy.

    Please refer to Mr. McGravitas’ post:

    Yes, but if you’re a hideous monster who barely deserves to live male having it done by someone who’s nice/hot/interesting/present is a step upHAWT.

    Mo bettah.

  247. alec said,

    June 7, 2012 at 0:59

    particularly not from that one arm

    Come now, have you seen the vice grip he has on that pen? Rumor mill on Capitol Hill has it he could strip a ham to the bone in ten seconds flat.

    Remember, he was stupid. Plus the thing about solitary activities is that people don’t network/exchange notes as well as they could. At least before the internet. Come to think of it, as varied an existence as I’ve had, I don’t think I heard of the melon gambit until I was about thirty.

    If it makes you feel any better, if my own colleagues are a guide I doubt he would have been improved learning about “the Blumpkin” at age 12. That’s a mission you don’t want to know a man on.

    Yes, but if you’re a hideous monster who barely deserves to live male having it anything done by someone who’s nice/hot/interesting/present alive is a step up HAWT ACCEPTABLE.

    My point here is simply that this is as or more true for any sufficiently erotic value of “it” than it is of the lamented h/j / offshored j/o. Oral, milking, intracrural, maxillary, a Sergeant Pepper’s, Law & Order SVU, Iron Chef, you name it.

    (Also I feel I should specify here that I mean a handjob to orgasm. I have nothing against touching a dude’s penis in the course of human events. I’m not ready for that jihad quite yet.)

  248. Golem Heart said,

    June 7, 2012 at 1:00

    “Well sure. I don’t want a handjob from Bob Dole – particularly not from that one arm –”

    If he could manage with the phantom arm, now that’d be something. The ultimate thrill for the type of guy who gets hard reading Wierd Tales comics or some kinda Mysteries of the Unexplained cyclopedia.

  249. alec said,

    June 7, 2012 at 1:09

    If he could manage with the phantom arm, now that’d be something. The ultimate thrill for the type of guy who gets hard reading Wierd Tales comics or some kinda Mysteries of the Unexplained cyclopedia.

    Never fuck a ghost unless you’re into unfinished business.

    Alternative punchline: Has Ghostbusters taught us nothing?

  250. alec said,

    June 7, 2012 at 1:15

    Though some modern Christians and Jews have made the argument that intercrural intercourse is not specifically condemned by Leviticus 18 or 20,[12] it has been subject to various historical sodomy laws and religious restrictions.[13] Intercrural intercourse appears to have been common during the medieval era[citation needed]; a contemporary document titled the “Altercatio Ganimedis et Helene” (The Debate of Helen and Ganymede) depicts Greco-Roman mythical figure Ganymede describing the “slippery thighs of a boy” as superior to the “stink and gaping looseness of the female cave”

    Thanks for that, Wikipedia!

  251. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 1:15

    Kali could give a niiiiize hand job.

  252. Whale Chowder said,

    June 7, 2012 at 1:19

    …superior to the “stink and gaping looseness of the female cave”

    Dude needed to travel in better circles.

  253. alec said,

    June 7, 2012 at 1:27

    Incidentally, one of my dear wife’s calligrams was made a Daily Deviation today. Hooray!

  254. Smut Clyde said,

    June 7, 2012 at 1:54

    Hands up everyone who was wondering what Doug Giles has been up to lately.

  255. tigris said,

    June 7, 2012 at 1:56

    The ultimate thrill for the type of guy who gets hard reading Wierd Tales comics or some kinda Mysteries of the Unexplained cyclopedia.

    From now on when I see someone concentrating I’m going to imagine they’re giving someone a MINDJOB.

  256. Spearhafoc, who has been watching too much Game of Thrones said,

    June 7, 2012 at 1:57

    Bob Dole!

  257. vacuumslayer said,

    June 7, 2012 at 2:17

    Hands up everyone who was wondering what Doug Giles has been up to lately.

    Omg. Is it wrong I want to watch it? It’s gottabe deliciously awful.

  258. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 2:22

    When your boss does what bosses do, is that a jobjob?

  259. Spearhafoc, who has been watching too much Game of Thrones said,

    June 7, 2012 at 2:30

    When a James Bond villain diddles you, it’s called an Oddjob.

  260. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 2:33

    When a turtlenecked hipster rubs his iPhone on you, it’s a SteveJob.

  261. Pupienus said,

    June 7, 2012 at 2:39

    it’s been my experience unless you want to dive-bomb the prostate (and if so more power to you) there’s not really much you can do to a dude with your hands he can’t do to himself with his hands, and he’s probably better at it.

    For one thing it’s totally different when it’s someone else’s hand doing it. For another thing you are apparently speaking from ignorance. Empirical evidence abounds. You need to get more experience with what a guy can do to for you with his hands.

  262. Spearhafoc, who has been watching too much Game of Thrones said,

    June 7, 2012 at 2:42

    When Mitt Romney does it to you, it’s called a No-job.

  263. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 2:45

    When god does it to you repeatedly, it’s a BookJob.

  264. Spearhafoc, who has been watching too much Game of Thrones said,

    June 7, 2012 at 2:46

    When a Captain of Industry does it to you, it’s a JobCreatorJob.

  265. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 2:47

    When a congressman’s pet goose does it to you, it’s a BillJob.

  266. Spearhafoc, who has been watching too much Game of Thrones said,

    June 7, 2012 at 2:57

    When Ronald McDonald does it to you, it’s a McJob.

  267. Smut Clyde said,

    June 7, 2012 at 2:57

    there’s not really much you can do to a dude with your hands he can’t do to himself with his hands, and he’s probably better at it.

    No experience with ticklishness?

  268. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 3:02

    When Ronald McDonald does it to you, it’s a McJob.

    Or a McRib.

  269. Jeffraham Prestonian said,

    June 7, 2012 at 3:11

    Well, the other party handling my junk has the disadvantage of not being wired into my spine for feedback, right?
    .

  270. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 3:15

    Well, the other party handling my junk has the disadvantage of not being wired into my spine for feedback, right?
    .

    You have convinced me that you are not a blue avatard.

  271. alec said,

    June 7, 2012 at 3:22

    For one thing it’s totally different when it’s someone else’s hand doing it.

    But that’s just sex. That’s true of literally anything sexual. It’s different having your partner pluck your dong like a guitar string for two hours and then rub it down with tung oil than doing it yourself. And I’m sure that’s better than an evening alone with the History Channel, but I’m not going to take it over a Guaranteed Honky-Tonk-Style Blowjob.

    For another thing you are apparently speaking from ignorance. … You need to get more experience with what a guy can do to for you with his hands.

    Man, I’ve given handjobs about as much of a try as I care to. Really, I have. It’s like four or five different partners I’ve made the old college try at it with, and it only ended in climax so much as twice. And each time I was super into the idea going into it, and going out of it sort of felt like I had wasted one of a limited number of evenings I’d spend with each person at amateur-hour masturbation. I’ll admit I served myself worse at age ten than they did when I went for it, but not by a whole lot.

    I mean, my criterion here is that two of those people I spent a lazy evening watching George Carlin routines with – routines new to neither of us, and not his best material. There are things I did with both people I wouldn’t trade for a repeat of that experience, and handjobs aren’t one of them.

    Empirical evidence abounds.

    Well, empirical evidence abounds that Justin Bieber is well-enjoyed by millions. I’m not disputing handjobs work, after a crude fashion, just… you know, why?

    No experience with ticklishness?

    Another thing better than handjobs you can do with your loved ones. (And if you can climax from tickling, you’re a better man than I am, Elmo Din.)

  272. alec said,

    June 7, 2012 at 3:27

    When god does it to you repeatedly, it’s a BookJob.

    One of the hotter books of the Bible if you’re into power play. (“thank You for these boils, o God, i am not worthy of Your love” &c)

  273. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 3:31

    One of the hotter books of the Bible if you’re into power play.

    I satisfy that craving with Jehovah cosplay.

  274. tigris said,

    June 7, 2012 at 3:42

    I satisfy that craving with Jehovah cosplay.

    He’s just a beard!

  275. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 3:45

    Worship me, baby!

  276. tigris said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:04

    Sheesh, looking for jokes I spent 15 minutes reading about Asherah poles before I decided no, I really shouldn’t offer to erect a stranger’s pole.

  277. Smut Clyde said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:07

    I satisfy that craving with Jehovah cosplay.

    Feck, stuck with the goat costume AGAIN.

  278. Pupienus said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:10


    It’s like four or five different partners I’ve made the old college try at it with, and it only ended in climax so much as twice

    And if you can climax from tickling

    alec, son, I get the idea that you are perhaps a bit too much focused on what you imagine is the goal of sex. Focusing on the act can, so I am given to understand and indeed have learned independently, lead to more fulfilling – not to mention “successful” – experiences. You could learn to climax from tickling, trust me. Jean Cocteau had an infamous party trick wherein he would strip, lie on the floor on his back and proceed to splooge with no manual assistance. Climaxing is easy. When you separate the event from the prefatory.

    Don’t MAKE me dig out that picture of me and Dr. Ruth Westheimer!

    *autocorrect helpfully suggested “soloing.”

  279. Pupienus said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:11

    FY iPad. There should have been an asterisk appended to “splooge.”

  280. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:16

    stuck with the goat costume AGAIN.

    Could be worse. You could be wearing a Pharaoh’s soldier costume with a snorkel.

  281. alec said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:16

    alec, son, I get the idea that you are perhaps a bit too much focused on what you imagine is the goal of sex.

    I can see where you got this impression, but no – I use the criterion of “handjob to orgasm” to distinguish manual play as an end in and of itself from manual play as instrumental to whatever else; and discuss its failure in my personal experience at that end as a way of accentuating my bitter disappointment with it. My honest assessment of it is that it’s better than being alone but not better than nothing. Doubtless I would have furiously disagreed at 16, but I’m not the rutting boar I was in my callow and recent youth.

    You could learn to climax from tickling, trust me. Jean Cocteau had an infamous party trick wherein he would strip, lie on the floor on his back and proceed to splooge with no manual assistance.

    Bah, Cocteau! That lousy quitter. Opium 4 lyfe!

  282. alec said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:20

    Sheesh, looking for jokes I spent 15 minutes reading about Asherah poles before I decided no, I really shouldn’t offer to erect a stranger’s pole.

    That’s a pretty serious social offense, refusing to help a neighbor erecting a pole. A pretty good way to be declared nithingr. And then you’ve gotta kill a horse, find a bear skin, fight a holmgang – what a mess!

  283. tigris said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:21

    Feck, stuck with the goat costume AGAIN.

    Uh oh, SOMEbody’s getting a hoofjob.

  284. Spearhafoc, who has been watching too much Game of Thrones said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:25

    If a businessman jerks you off with the top of his shirt, it’s a WhiteCollarJob.

  285. tigris said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:26

    If a crazy person does it is it a whackjob?

  286. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:26

    SOMEbody’s getting a hoofjob.

    Cloven hooves, not trafe.

  287. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:27

    If a crazy person does it is it a whackjob?

    I could have lived without the mental image of Soprano self-abuse.

  288. John Revolta said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:28

    “Splooge” is a big word around chez Revolta. According to the Mrs., it’s a restaurant term for food prepared fast and served in large quantities and without a lot of effort. We kind of extend it to mean “any nasty stuff that you probably should leave alone”.

    We have been known to use it in the Pupienus/ Cocteau sense.

  289. tigris said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:33

    I could have lived without the mental image of Soprano self-abuse.

    It IS known as the little death.

  290. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:35

    “Say hello to my little death.”

  291. tigris said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:37

    Dude, that’s a creepy thing to call your PENIS.

  292. John Revolta said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:39

    Pupienus Cocteau: great band name or horrific medical condition?

  293. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:40

    You don’t want to know what I call my small bowel.

  294. Major Kong said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:40

    I think I’ve led a very boring life.

  295. tigris said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:41

    “Late for dinner?” Anyway, who buys their small bowel a phone?

  296. tigris said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:42

    My new dueling intestines TV show: “I’d like to Vie a Bowel”

  297. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:43

    Anyway, who buys their small bowel a phone?

    You don’t have to buy it one. Just lose a fight against a large, angry man who’s willing to replace his.

  298. Major Kong said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:43

    It IS known as the little death. Dude, that’s a creepy thing to call your PENIS.

    I actually know this one. The French refer to the orgasm as “the little death”.

  299. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:43

    I ate Bowel Noodles one too many times in college.

  300. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:45

    The French refer to the orgasm as “the little death”

    Petit déjeuner, right?

  301. Major Kong said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:45

    You don’t have to buy it one. Just lose a fight against a large, angry man who’s willing to replace his.

    Oh that took a minute for the old Commodore 64 neural processor to figure out – but it was really funny once it did.

  302. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:47

    IT’S NOT FUNNY IF IT’S TRUE!

  303. Golem Heart said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:48

    “Jean Cocteau had an infamous party trick wherein he would strip, lie on the floor on his back and proceed to splooge with no manual assistance. Climaxing is easy.”

    The ultimate proof of this possibility would seem to be the male nocturnal emission. (Is there a female equivalent?) You don’t hafta grind against the bedding or anything like that. It just goes off, due to dream-content.

    But then again, I can fly and stuff too, when I’m asleep.

  304. tigris said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:49

    Um, whose ass is ringing?

    Oh God no, DO NOT SWITCH TO VIBRATE!!!

  305. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:51

    Um, whose ass is ringing?

    Sat too close to the concert speakers.

  306. tigris said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:53

    Serious concert goers always wear a buttplug.

  307. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:56

    Serious concert goers always wear a buttplug.

    Unless they’ve had jalapeños, in which case they use a fireplug.

  308. alec said,

    June 7, 2012 at 4:58

    But then again, I can fly and stuff too, when I’m asleep.

    I would say that “nocturnal emissions while awake” is the worst possible superpower, but Aquaman makes that impossible.

  309. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 5:06

    worst possible superpower

    Laser blast out your ass*, possibly triggered by cell phones.

    *Eat your heart out, Cyclops.

  310. Pupienus said,

    June 7, 2012 at 5:14

    Amsterdammerplatjes do a fIne job.

  311. Smut Clyde said,

    June 7, 2012 at 5:16

    Serious concert goers always wear a buttplug.

    I prefer not to speculate about tigris’ ring-tones.

  312. tigris said,

    June 7, 2012 at 5:16

    I would say that “nocturnal emissions while awake” is the worst possible superpower

    I’m not up with the lingo, but wouldn’t that just be sex at night? Because I can think of worse things to have as a power.

    Laser blast out your ass*, possibly triggered by cell phones.

    Might put a stop to public restroom poop-talkers…

  313. tigris said,

    June 7, 2012 at 5:22

    I prefer not to speculate about tigris’ ring-tones.

    boop

  314. Golem Heart said,

    June 7, 2012 at 5:53

    Hey, Aquaman does pretty well underwater, I kick ass while I’m asleep … except for the possibility of premature ejaculation with no physical stimuli.

    That’s objectively worse than sex at night. On the other hand, when I’m asleep, I can often will myself awake, for what it’s worth.

  315. Golem Heart said,

    June 7, 2012 at 5:57

    To be clear– waking up during a sexual dream can be advantageous. I can re-enter the dream on better terms.

    Willing myself to sleep during sex would not be helpful at all. I’d probably just climax anyway.

    There’s still an Aquaman analogy here somewhere.

  316. tensor said,

    June 7, 2012 at 6:17

    I think I’ve led a very boring life.

    Well, Major, we do sometimes refer to your end of our industry as “boring holes in the sky,” so maybe we can assume you’re onto something there.

  317. Smut Clyde said,

    June 7, 2012 at 6:29

    Willing myself to sleep during sex would not be helpful at all.

    Nor is it appreciated by one’s partner(s). Or so I hear from a friend.

  318. Pupienus said,

    June 7, 2012 at 6:42

    I think I’ve led a very boring life

    Trust me, you are better off than living an interesting life.

  319. Spearhafoc, who has been watching too much Game of Thrones said,

    June 7, 2012 at 7:01

    You know who else led an interesting life?

  320. Spearhafoc, who has been watching too much Game of Thrones said,

    June 7, 2012 at 7:01

    That’s right, Joffrey!

  321. Spearhafoc, who has been watching too much Game of Thrones said,

    June 7, 2012 at 7:02

    Joffrey is the new Hitler.

  322. Helene de Sisis Grex said,

    June 7, 2012 at 7:42

    Feck, stuck with the goat costume AGAIN.

    What are you doing in a monk’s habit?

    I didn’t know about ‘the monk and the choirboy!

    I thought you wanted to do ‘the woodchopper and the shepherd!

    HOW MANY COSTUMES DO YOU THINK I CAN PACK?

  323. Helene de Sisis Grex said,

    June 7, 2012 at 7:47

    boop

    Interesting, but needs moar Bowelophone.

  324. Hogeye Grex said,

    June 7, 2012 at 7:47

    wrps

  325. Deep in the heart of Dark Matter said,

    June 7, 2012 at 8:05

    “When I see T-O-F-U, I see tofu,” says Whitney Calk of her denied vanity plate ILVTOFU

  326. Hogeye Grex said,

    June 7, 2012 at 8:58

    I’m not sure this person thought out their plate completely either.

  327. Hogeye Grex said,

    June 7, 2012 at 9:08

    Also,

    related.

    Why am I not surprised that a seven year old SN thread is the first GIS source for that.

  328. vacuumslayer said,

    June 7, 2012 at 14:13

    Morning humor/blogwhoring.

  329. Golem Heart said,

    June 7, 2012 at 15:37

    Oh look, last night I invented Lucid Creaming up in here.

    I dunno whether to be proud of that.

  330. mark f said,

    June 7, 2012 at 15:42

    Am I crazy, or is this:

    The old Latin experession, frequently cited by Bill Buckley, has it that “Quod licet Jovi, non licet bovi.” Translated literally, it means: “What is permitted to Jupiter is not permitted to oxen.” More loosely, I would translate it: “What is allowed a god is not allowed a dog,” or something to that effect. The saying may be a recognition of the reality principle or a testament to the permanence of double standards.

    In news outside Wisconsin, it was reported earlier this week that the fabulously successful aging hipster Jon Bon Jovi hitched a ride on Air Force one to — where else? — an Obama fundraiser, this one at the Waldorf in New York. Mr. Bon Jovi performed at the fundraiser.

    I have nothing bad to say about Mr. Bon Jovi except that his political judgment is way off.

    [Irrelevant shots at Bon Jovi's religion and marital fidelity omitted]

    In any event, I think we can say in this case, what is permitted Jovi is permitted someone lesser.

    the most pretentious was anyone has ever said, “A nigger! On Air Force One!”?

  331. vacuumslayer said,

    June 7, 2012 at 15:47

    the most pretentious was anyone has ever said, “A nigger! On Air Force One!”?

    Is it even saying that much? It seems like it’s just a chance to wax bitter about a heartthrob/rock star fundraising for Obama.

    BTW, it’s awfully hard to be an aging hipster when you were never a hipster to begin with. Bon Jovi is a lot of things: hair band rock star, hearthrob to tons of women 30-60, and–it seems–an all-around nice, smart guy…but hipster he ain’t.

  332. mark f said,

    June 7, 2012 at 15:51

    Is it even saying that much?

    I think so. Look at what he’s saying:

    “Quod licet Jovi, non licet bovi.” Translated literally, it means: “What is permitted to Jupiter is not permitted to oxen.” More loosely, I would translate it: “What is allowed a god is not allowed a dog,” ->

    Jon Bon Jovi rode on Air Force One ->

    In this case, what is permitted [Bon] Jovi, i.e. a ride on the presidential airplane, is permitted someone lesser — an ox or a dog, even!

  333. mark f said,

    June 7, 2012 at 15:52

    And, yes, the hipster thing was clueless.

  334. Helmut Monotreme said,

    June 7, 2012 at 15:58

    Well, look who he’s quoting. Just because you argue for privilege and aristocracy in Latin, doesn’t mean it’s not a bullshit argument in favor of privilege and aristocracy.

  335. mark f said,

    June 7, 2012 at 16:05

    The other day someone there put up a picture of a college-aged Obama wearing a hat and smoking, with a comment like “No words necessary.” That did not stop their readers from commenting along the lines of “Imagine putting that in the White House!”

  336. smedley said,

    June 7, 2012 at 16:17

    What, exactly, was the purpose of that WhitePowerline scribble, if not to keep the rubes riled up? Would a President Romney allow oxen and dogs to fly on AirForceOne? The dog, of course, would be strapped to the roof.

  337. Pryme said,

    June 7, 2012 at 16:33

    About time she dumped that loser.

  338. Helmut Monotreme said,

    June 7, 2012 at 16:38

    What, exactly, was the purpose of that WhitePowerline scribble, if not to keep the rubes riled up?

    I think the meta-purpose of the diatribe is like the stripe of a skunk, a warning to others that if messed with, Hinderaker will be all over you with a nauseating cloud of stink and dumb.

  339. vacuumKongslayer said,

    June 7, 2012 at 16:39

    markf, *wretch*

    Pryme, I always like her and was impressed with her efforts to get girls interested in math (though I had some reservations about her marketing methods). I hope she’s ok.

  340. Pryme said,

    June 7, 2012 at 16:58

    I think the meta-purpose of the diatribe is like the stripe of a skunk, a warning to others that if messed with, Hinderaker will be all over you with a nauseating cloud of stink and dumb.

    See, I was gonna leave this alone, but noooo…

  341. El Manquecito said,

    June 7, 2012 at 17:00

    If you got one from Maradona would it be the “Handjob of God”?

  342. bbkf said,

    June 7, 2012 at 17:00

    “Imagine putting that in the White House!”

    cuz, yeah…dubs in his cheerleading uni is much more dignified…

    also, too…i hz sad because evidently while i was WORKING at a job i’m beginning to hate, y’all where in the hottub having sexy talk…

    and to answer the question: the male nocturnal emission. (Is there a female equivalent?) You don’t hafta grind against the bedding or anything like that. It just goes off, due to dream-content.

    yes…i believe i have related that i am plagued by this, much to my chagrin upon waking…remember old frank sinatra in the pool dream? yeah…oh, so good, but oh so icky…

  343. vacuumslayer said,

    June 7, 2012 at 17:03

    cuz, yeah…dubs in his cheerleading uni is much more dignified…

    Don’t ferget…snortin’ some cocaine.

    i hz sad because evidently while i was WORKING at a job i’m beginning to hate, y’all where in the hottub having sexy talk…

    Apparently it’s not sexy to everyone. He must get SO MANY OFFERS he’s turning handjobs away!

  344. vacuumslayer said,

    June 7, 2012 at 17:05

    He must get SO MANY OFFERS he’s turning handjobs away!

    “Unhand my cock, Madam! I’m busy!”

  345. Golem Heart said,

    June 7, 2012 at 17:23

    Interesting, bbkf … I woulda guessed there was no female equivalent. I have always assumed (without giving the matter much thought) that male nocturnals are the body’s way of getting a load of unused stuff out, of exercising systems and tubes that ought not go unused for too long. Something like that.

    Your experience suggests that the very mind wants the odd orgasm, even a woman’s mind! I shall have to think on this. Re-order my row of sex-ducks, so to speak.

  346. bbkf said,

    June 7, 2012 at 17:31

    getting a load of unused stuff out

    i did neglect to specify that i’m pretty sure that most women do not have emission…i certainly don’t to my knowledge, but yes, my mind appears to need the more than odd orgasm* and talking with my female cousins on my dad’s side, this is a trait we have in common…

    *yes, hubbkf is a lucky man…and yes, i make sure he knows that…

  347. bbkf said,

    June 7, 2012 at 17:32

    “Unhand my cock, Madam! I’m busy!”

    this made me laff…i’m picturing the three musketeers for no odd reason…

  348. S. cerevisiae said,

    June 7, 2012 at 18:07

    Reordering the sex-ducks…

  349. vacuumKongslayer said,

    June 7, 2012 at 18:10

    this made me laff…i’m picturing the three musketeers for no odd reason…

    LOLWUT?

  350. bbkf said,

    June 7, 2012 at 18:15

    LOLWUT?

    right?!

  351. smedley said,

    June 7, 2012 at 18:20

    “getting a load of unused stuff out”

    Now, here I am, sixty fuckin’ years old, and I have untold multitudes of said unused stuff that is going to need to be unloaded over the course of the remainder of my days. Considering that my spousal unit is well beyond her reproducing years, what would the “intelligent design” people have me do with those loads?

  352. bbkf said,

    June 7, 2012 at 18:22

    Considering that my spousal unit is well beyond her reproducing years, what would the “intelligent design” people have me do with those loads?

    repress those loads!!! close your eyes and think of kittens and grandmas and jonah and hinderaker and malkin and althouse and teh harpie! that ought to kill all desire for you…you’re welcome…

  353. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    June 7, 2012 at 18:36

    Considering that my spousal unit is well beyond her reproducing years, what would the “intelligent design” people have me do with those loads?

    ♫ ♫ Every sperm is sacred! ♫ ♫

  354. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    June 7, 2012 at 18:42

    And yeah, I didn’t click all the earlier ute oob links to see if anybody had already posted that, I can handle a possible “ahem”ming.

    Handling the “ahem.”

  355. tigris said,

    June 7, 2012 at 18:49

    Considering that my spousal unit is well beyond her reproducing years, what would the “intelligent design” people have me do with those loads?

    Does your wife have a handmaid?

  356. bbkf said,

    June 7, 2012 at 19:01

    jesus h!!! i have been steadily going through the filing systems here in my orifice…my predecessor had an absolute fetish for paper and files…even though she was incessantly claiming to be ‘green’ and worried about the environment and clogging it up with paper…so…going through multiple filing cabinets and clearing out her shit that she claimed she was busy cleaning out, i’ve come to the realization that she had been getting paid $20/hour for making more files!!! srsly…i just had in my hand a hanging file, with a file folder inside it labeled ‘planned giving handouts’ which contained a single 1/3 sheet of paper from some other foundation…this had a post-it on it on which she had written ‘sample-file under pg handouts’…fuck me! this came upon finding many such files that were labeled but completely fucking empty!!! GAH!!!

  357. bbkf said,

    June 7, 2012 at 19:01

    /rant over…also, tigris, your handmaid comment alleviated some of my rage…

  358. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 19:02

    Considering that my spousal unit is well beyond her reproducing years, what would the “intelligent design” people have me do with those loads?

    Does your wife have a handmaid?

    Failing that, does she have hand soap?

  359. tigris said,

    June 7, 2012 at 19:05

    Are we cycling around to handjobs again?

  360. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 19:07

    Are we cycling around to handjobs again?

    We left?

  361. vacuumKongslayer said,

    June 7, 2012 at 19:15

    Cycling while handjobbing is harder than it sounds.

  362. kg said,

    June 7, 2012 at 19:16

    Cycling while handjobbing is harder than it sounds.

    great source of lube tho

  363. bbkf said,

    June 7, 2012 at 19:17

    thanks…i had just successfully rid myself of my ‘handjive’ ear worm…thanks for bringing it back, fuckers!

  364. kg said,

    June 7, 2012 at 19:19

    sorry, I read that as “crying”. freudian slip I guess.

  365. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 19:25

    Hand job
    Hand job
    Doing the Sadly hand job…

  366. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    June 7, 2012 at 19:25

    I read that as “crying”. freudian slip I guess.

    If you’re crying it’s either really good, or really, really bad.

  367. Substance McGravitas said,

    June 7, 2012 at 19:26

    I believe jerking involves circling.

  368. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 19:27

    I already ate lunch and now I want some jerk chicken.

  369. vacuumslayer said,

    June 7, 2012 at 19:29

    thanks for bringing it back, fuckers!

    This made me laugh for some reason.

  370. vacuumslayer said,

    June 7, 2012 at 19:33

    sorry, I read that as “crying”. freudian slip I guess.

    LOL…I was so confused. I was like “fuck, there’s a joke here but I’M JUST NOT GETTING IT.”

  371. kg said,

    June 7, 2012 at 19:50

    If you’re crying it’s either really good, or really, really bad.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fmban3Fio14
    related

  372. Marion in Savannah said,

    June 7, 2012 at 19:50

    bbfk, I sympathize with your hair-pulling over the files. Even though she’s been gone for years the boss’s previous secretary made such a hash of the files that he still gets all wide-eyed and weird when asking for something that might be in a file somewhere, and still refers to “The _____________ (name of previous secretary) System” with a quaver in his voice.

  373. smedley said,

    June 7, 2012 at 19:51

    “Does your wife have a handmaid?”

    Now, see, thinking about things along those lines is why I have this stuff that needs unloading.

  374. Marion in Savannah said,

    June 7, 2012 at 19:56

    I have this stuff that needs unloading

    I think Teh General has discussed your problem from time to time. He refers to his pantry full of mason jars…

  375. bbkf said,

    June 7, 2012 at 19:58

    This made me laugh for some reason.

    i knew you would…that’s why i said it…

    Hand job
    Hand job
    Doing the Sadly hand job…

    u r not helping…

  376. vacuumslayer said,

    June 7, 2012 at 19:58

    related

    Heh. I’ve seen that before. I’d definitely put that in the “not hot” column.

  377. Pupienus Maximus said,

    June 7, 2012 at 20:00

    What kind of job is it when there’s a kitteh involved?

  378. vacuumslayer said,

    June 7, 2012 at 20:02

    What kind of job is it when there’s a kitteh involved?

    omg

  379. Helmut Monotreme said,

    June 7, 2012 at 20:05

    is why I have this stuff that needs unloading.

    You can’t just unload that anywhere. First of all, is it even loaded properly, has it been properly secured or is it going to shift or settle during shipment? Has it been correctly loaded for transport with the proper handling techniques and possible hazards on the label? Is the chain of possession documented with the correct signatures and filed for reference? Is an MSDS available for all handling personnel? Are the handlers trained in the the storage and transport and use of all necessary equipment to move that load safely? Where are you going to unload it? is a loading dock or other special facilities necessary? Is it zoned for storage and eventual disposal of the load? Does someone need to file an environmental impact statement? If the load is improperly unloaded are there clean up and mitigation crews available?

  380. tigris said,

    June 7, 2012 at 20:09

    If you’re crying it’s either really good, or really, really bad.

    Or you’re Catholic?

    LOL…I was so confused. I was like “fuck, there’s a joke here but I’M JUST NOT GETTING IT.”

    I figured it was a bike grease thing and I do not judge.

  381. tigris said,

    June 7, 2012 at 20:10

    Which end goes up?

  382. bbkf said,

    June 7, 2012 at 20:14

    What kind of job is it when there’s a kitteh involved?

    omg

    are you omg-ing because it was marked as being extremely wrong contrary to your own experience?

    or are you omg-ing because wtf? what kind of test has questions like THAT?

  383. bbkf said,

    June 7, 2012 at 20:14

    Which end goes up?

    you may be doing it wrong…

  384. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    June 7, 2012 at 20:16

    Or you’re Catholic?

    I already said “or it’s really, really bad.”

  385. smedley said,

    June 7, 2012 at 20:18

    Helmut, if I think about all of those things, then I just might not unload it at all! So, thanks?

  386. tigris said,

    June 7, 2012 at 20:19

    Which end goes up?

    you may be doing it wrong…

    There is no kitten.

  387. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 20:19

    What kind of job is it when there’s a kitteh involved?

    I don’t know, but the fur will be flying.

  388. Golem Heart said,

    June 7, 2012 at 20:25

    “You can’t just unload that anywhere. [...] are there clean up and mitigation crews available?”

    Sheesh. So tissues aren’t good enough anymore? Or, for the more productive members of society, several paper towels?

    (Do you see what I did there?)

  389. vacuumKongslayer said,

    June 7, 2012 at 20:33

    or are you omg-ing because wtf? what kind of test has questions like THAT?

    Oh no, I think it’s perfectly ok to use your pets as masturbation aids.

  390. bbkf said,

    June 7, 2012 at 20:38

    Oh no, I think it’s perfectly ok to use your pets as masturbation aids.

    oh, so it WAS chagrin! also, too…my dog has enough neuroses already, i do not think this would be advisable for me…

  391. Jennifer said,

    June 7, 2012 at 20:43

    Oh no, I think it’s perfectly ok to use your pets as masturbation aids.

    …understanding full well that when the kitteh becomes “overstimulated” it is prone to turn on, cling to, and scratch and bite the source of the overstimulation while rabbit-kicking it with the back claws.

  392. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    June 7, 2012 at 20:48

    …understanding full well that when the kitteh becomes “overstimulated” it is prone to turn on, cling to, and scratch and bite the source of the overstimulation while rabbit-kicking it with the back claws.

    Safe word: “catnip”

  393. smedley said,

    June 7, 2012 at 20:52

    ‘Safe word: “catnip”’

    OK. Now you’ve done it. Now, I’ll never get my cat offa the computer.

  394. Bitter Scribe said,

    June 7, 2012 at 20:56

    Grossest. Thread. Ever.

  395. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 20:59

    Grossest. Thread. Ever.

    That sounds like a challenge to me.

  396. Substance McGravitas said,

    June 7, 2012 at 21:02

    I have some links ready.

  397. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 21:02

    THE ARISTOCRATS!

  398. vacuumKongslayer said,

    June 7, 2012 at 21:05

    THE ARISTOCATS!

  399. smedley said,

    June 7, 2012 at 21:06

    THE ARISTOSCATS!

  400. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 21:10

    THE THUNDERCATS!

  401. Pupienus Maximus said,

    June 7, 2012 at 21:15

    PENIS.

  402. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 21:16

    Pupienus Maximus said,
    June 7, 2012 at 21:15

    PENIS.

    Not just a PENIS: it’s a THUNDERPENIS!

  403. Pupienus Maximus said,

    June 7, 2012 at 21:22

    That sounds like a challenge to me.

    Challenge accepted.

  404. Fenwick said,

    June 7, 2012 at 21:25

    the very mind wants the odd orgasm

    The odder the better, says I !

  405. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 21:32

    Challenge accepted.

    Mmmmm…cherry soda….

  406. Pupienus Maximus said,

    June 7, 2012 at 21:43

    That stuff you have to unload? Maybe you could sell it. They must need suppliers.

  407. Major Kong said,

    June 7, 2012 at 21:45

    Oh no, I think it’s perfectly ok to use your pets as masturbation aids.

    Kinky = using a feather
    Perverted = using the whole chicken

  408. N__B said,

    June 7, 2012 at 21:46

    “Drink Splooge™ – it’s not just for hand jobs anymore!”

  409. tigris said,

    June 7, 2012 at 21:54

    Now, I’ll never get my cat offa the computer

    Be sure to erase all the kitten porn files before you cross a national border.

    “Drink Pocari Splooge™ – it’s not just for hand jobs anymore!”

    Yes you CAN find everything in Japanese vending machines!

  410. smedley said,

    June 7, 2012 at 22:00

    “Be sure to erase all the kitten porn files before you cross a national border.”

    Even if it’s Catada?

  411. Golem Heart said,

    June 7, 2012 at 22:04

    “That sounds like a challenge to me.”

    I feel confident that I’ve already contributed more than my share of grossness. I suffered an uninhibited confessional evening brought on by Leinenkugels, perry, and shots of that damned absinthe I keep dipping into when my reasonable drinks are drunk and my judgment is poor.

  412. El Manquecito said,

    June 7, 2012 at 22:11

    I want to thank whoever (vs?) posted the End of Page app for iPhone, it works!

  413. bbkf said,

    June 7, 2012 at 22:16

    Mmmmm…cherry soda….

    gross…coincidentally i am drinking sugar-free cherry drink…

  414. Pupienus said,

    June 7, 2012 at 22:20

    You mean the “scroll to bottom” bookmarklet?

  415. Cerberus said,

    June 7, 2012 at 22:23

    New post. Yesterday an old man spat at me for wearing a dress, today I write this post. Apparently working for Sadly, No! is one giant Shadow Play session.

  416. vacuumslayer said,

    June 7, 2012 at 22:26

    I want to thank whoever (vs?) posted the End of Page app for iPhone, it works!

    Glad to be o’ service, sir.

  417. Smut Clyde said,

    June 7, 2012 at 22:26

    Cycling while handjobbing is harder than it sounds.
    There is also the Theory of Molecule Exchange to worry about. One more reason not to pull a cyclist’s finger.

  418. Hogeye Grex said,

    June 7, 2012 at 22:26

    You can’t just unload that anywhere.

    The white zone is for loading and unloading only. If you gotta load, or unload, use the white zone.

  419. Hogeye Grex said,

    June 7, 2012 at 22:27

    Cycling while handjobbing is harder than it sounds.

    Ooooooon a bicycle built for twooooo…

  420. El Manquecito said,

    June 7, 2012 at 22:27

    Pupienus said,
    June 7, 2012 at 22:20

    You mean the “scroll to bottom” bookmarklet?

    That’s the one, End of Page.

  421. Hogeye Grex said,

    June 7, 2012 at 22:28

    this made me laff…i’m picturing the three musketeers for no odd reason…

    Hmmm. Swordfighting. I’d think that would be “Unhand my cock, Sir! I’m busy!”

  422. kg said,

    June 8, 2012 at 0:35

    why not just use dolphin browser they have a nice feature for doing all kinds of things like end of page ,new tab ,excetera

  423. alec said,

    June 8, 2012 at 1:58

    Apparently it’s not sexy to everyone. He must get SO MANY OFFERS he’s turning handjobs away!

    Honestly? Yes. If I had to take a stab in the dark it’d be the puffy shirt, lace cravat, and floppy outsized hat I wear to go along with my dress sword and outspoken loyalty to the Crown, because those are all new and I didn’t used to have this problem. I think it was falling in with this fast crowd surrounding my three heroic friends, who I’ve always seen in a similar mode of dress but who I’m pretty sure take care of each other after the latest Versailles fashion.

    At first it was a delightful change of pace after my childhood in genteel poverty, but eventually it got to be a little excessive. It’s begun to interfere with my work; and besides, do they not say that if you let all and sundry handjob you Cardinal Richelieu has won?

  424. tigris said,

    June 8, 2012 at 2:08

    It’s hard out here for a Pimpernel.

  425. Djur said,

    June 8, 2012 at 2:28

    the latest Versailles fashion

    A demonstration.

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