ABOVE: Mark J. Fitzgibbons
Shorter Mark J. Fitzgibbons, The American Birther
Obama the Inchoate Kenyan
- Either Obama was born in Kenya or he’s a liar
God himself could descend from the heavens in a burning, fiery chariot, land in Times Square in a flourish of lightning and thunderbolts, appear on live TV and say that Barack Obama was born in Hawaii, that he witnessed it himself, and that he was as certain of that fact as he was that the Cubs will never win the World Series and yet there would still be millions of Republicans who would take issue with even this testimony, who would claim that this wasn’t really God because he didn’t look like Charlton Heston, or that it might be God but that God was perpetrating liberal lies because he had been bought and paid for by the Democrats and the Lamestream Media. Breitbart.com would analyze the tapes and conclude that God was really Al Sharpton in a beard and a fat suit and that the lightning had all the earmarks of cheap, computer-generated effects.
So, now, of course, birth certificate be damned, the Birtherites are all a-twitter because of a statement published by a literary agency in a 1991 bio of Obama stating that Obama was born in Kenya. (Query: if I take my web bio with me to vote to prove that I’m an American, will that be sufficient?) The person who wrote the bio has said that it was her mistake, that there was no basis for her statement that Barack was born in Kenya. Hah, of course, she would say that now, the birthers clamor. At least if she doesn’t want to be killed by the White House. Like Andrew Breitbart was.
Never ones to let a wonderful opportunity for proslepsis go by the wayside, the mental titans over at The American Thinker have dreamed up a way to spread the story while claiming that they don’t really believe Obama was born in Kenya. (Wink, wink.) Actually, it’s better even than that because it’s a perfect melding of proslepsis and the wingnut all-time favorite, Heads We Win, Tails Obama Loses. So we have Mark Fitzgibbons, allegedly a lawyer of some sort, waving the Obama bio about like a host-filled monstrance in a Corpus Christi procession, not as proof of Obama’s birth place but as proof that Obama conspired with his literary agent to claim he was Kenyan in order to sell his book. Because, of course, nothing pushes a book up into the best seller list like having an African author. Why, there are at least several thousand best-sellers by Kenyans in the past twenty years alone. You probably didn’t know it but both Harry Potter and The Hunger Games were written by Kenyans. True fact.
And what should be the punishment for this vile manipulation of the invisible hand of the free market? Nothing would be too harsh for this dastardly violation of the principle of the free market which “goes back to the Old Testament.” (Yes, Fitzgibbons actually mentions that missing commandment: “Thou Shalt Have A Free Market and Shall Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Socialist Safety Net.”). Death? Impeachment? Better yet, death by impeachment? Maybe some waterboarding and the rack thrown in for good measure?
It makes you wonder where all the torches and pitchforks were when George Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction to plunge this country into war with Iraq. That doesn’t count because, shut up, that’s why.