Left: The 2012 Republican Nominee. Right: A villain from the comic Transmetropolitan
Even though we here at Sadly, No! Industries make our living* mocking and skewering the train wreck of crazy that is our esteemed colleagues on the right, let no one say we are too petty to extend congratulations when they are due.
So we say, to Mitt Romney, congratulations on securing the Republican nomination**!
Sure, it was his to lose. And lose it he nearly did. Despite the fact that Republicans have always been good authoritarians religiously handing the nomination to whoever’s turn it is, and despite the fact that this year’s pool of nominees was so weak, Crazy Eyes Bachmann thought she had a chance, Mitt Romney still nearly managed to give it away.
Indeed, the Republican base has been desperate from the beginning to find a Not-Romney, any Not-Romney, to be their Non-Mormon Great White Hope. Their desperation was punctuated by the revolving door of losers and nutcases that briefly flirted with front-runner status. Secessionist Rick Perry, Serial Adulterer Newt Gingrich, Failed Pizza Business Owner Herman Cain, even perennial joke candidate Ron Paul got his brief time in the sun. But not even the frothy mixture of Santorum could withstand inevitability as Romney limped forward, bloodied and battered.
And really, truly, we must say, that this great man, certainly has deserved better from his base. They have been concerned that the Smiler isn’t enough of a sociopath for them, that he won’t hate the same people, hold the same grudges, or cackle and clap at the same misfortunes as them.
And that’s unfair, because the Smiler is a glorious sociopath. Truly, our political system has never before seen someone so nakedly and universally concerned for power for its own sake, so completely unable to think of others as people, or been so completely lost when it comes to human interactions.
Sure, this prevents him hating with the proper fervor that the right-wing demands in their Generalisimos, but really, as long as his paymasters are directing his callous boot in the right direction, does it truly matter?
I say, no, no it shouldn’t. After all, Mitt Romney is so very talented at stumbling into cruelty that no other candidate can manage to top, a true sleeper candidate for the sadist voter.
I mean, should we worry that the Smiler will forget to continue to neglect and add suffering to our nation’s African American population, when he was perfectly willing and eager to add unnecessary suffering to his family’s vacations? It would be relief enough to know that the Smiler enjoys making single-digit aged children strain their bladders and bodies on long car trips entirely to artificially save a couple of minutes here and there, but no, he went the extra mile.
By strapping his terrified Irish Setter, Seamus, to the roof of the car, he showed his true qualifications. After all, a person who was willing to risk the life of a family pet and terrify it into shitting itself shows what it truly means to be a compassionate conservative in Bush’s mold. And by dealing with its terrified howls and messy aftermath simply by hosing it down to clean off the car, the Smiler proved his conservative credentials by valuing property over squishy organics even in the heat of the moment amidst sobbing appeals from his kids to stop. That’s true moral clarity.
Oh sure, you might stop and wonder, but isn’t that animal abuse?
Sigh, and that’s why you silly libs will never understand conservative values. It’s only animal abuse when a black football player mistreats a dog. When a rich white person does it, it hardly even rises to the level of amusing banquet conversation.
And truly, it is the Smiler’s more recent responses that best encapsulate this. Novice rookies unworthy of a Vice Presidency might show remorse or even acknowledgement of why people might have been upset. But not the Smiler! He knows that the only problem was the attention it received. And his Stepford Wife model knew the real crime of the story, which is how the liberal media won’t acknowledge how the dog loved that traumatizing life experience and truly not abusing their dog would have been the more bastardly option. Why Mitt Romney, has even gone so far as to note the scandalous attention his torture of dogs has received when no one is looking into how 6 year old Obama personally killed a dog to use as a side-meat for the boy he beheaded in Indonesia.
Truly, a complete failure to comprehend basic reality or human response shows his mettle better than any stump speech or baby-eating ceremony could.
But really, why should the Smiler be dinged on any of that? After all, on the all important “who would you have a beer with” criterion, the Smiler still proves himself admirably.
After all, let us not forget his strong sense of humor. When a trooper decided to engage the Smiler in a prank war by short-sheeting his bed, the Smiler knew the proper response. After all, any war, even a prank war, is a call to manly sweaty action and using every tactic to win. As such, the Smiler knew his bunker-buster was pretending to be the hotel manager and writing a note in official stationary telling the trooper that the maid responsible was fired after a complaint from the esteemed rich dickweed. Said trooper was shocked and awed by the Smiler’s comic timing and knew better than to cross that line again, I’ll tell you.
Or what about his many timeless quips about his hardships growing up. Like the time his dad was getting flak on his campaign because he fired a huge amount of workers in the state and was hoping none of them would remember his face come election time? But the band he hired kept playing the theme song of the state he sent all the jobs to. Even today, the very thought cracks the Smiler up. No wonder his face is so often locked in a grim rictus approximating upward facial movements.
But it’s all good and proper being connected to the common folk, but a true Republican candidate also remembers who are the true job-creators. After all, the Teabaggers have been loud and clear over who the real Americans needing relief have been this last 4 years. That’s right,
obnoxious racists unable to handle a black president the poor beleagured 1%.
It’s been rough for the ultra-wealthy. People have been making vague comments about returning tax levels on them to the historic low levels it was in the 1990s and mean old hippies roamed the streets yelling at them simply because they broke the world’s economy and expected a bonus for it. Luckily they were able to buy off the police forces to “take care” of that problem for them.
But still, if one wants the respect of the right-wing, one must be hyper-aware of the hyper-importance of our Feudal Lords and Masters.
And on that score, no one has been more on the ball than the Smiler.
Oh sure, candidates like Ron Paul talk a good game, but only the Smiler has lived that life, breathed that life, and continues to fail to imagine any other life.
Sure, other candidates may have riches, but only the Smiler can boast making more money than people will ever make in their lives as an unemployed slob. And only the Smiler remembers to rub the salt in the wounds (warning, pops up video, so if that’s a problem, do not click) of the human refuge that are our nation’s lazy shiftless unemployed.
The Smiler knows that any man worth his solid gold cadillac has 10 grand in pocket for throwaway bets. The Smiler knows that the only thing better than enjoying a NASCAR race is owning a NASCAR race. The Smiler knows that working hard is demonstrated by using your daddy’s money to buy companies and fire the workers to artificially raise the stock price before dumping them. And the Smiler knows that the only true joy in life is knowing you have someone’s financial security in your hands and crushing it like a grape. After all, if you can’t enjoy simple pleasures like firing people, how will you enjoy bigger pleasures like running a former super-power into the ground or killing millions of foreigners to sate the bloodlust of shirtless 40 somethings still living in their parents’ basements?
And yet the right-wing still hems and haws and isn’t sure that the Smiler can be enough of a bastard to be their one and only.
Though to be fair, to our rich and merry band of material generators, there is a lot to process and not much brainpower to process it. There’s the fact that he’s Mormon, the suspicion that he only seems to disregard women rather than out and out loathe them for posessing vaginas that make right-wing men wish they could force themselves to be attracted to, the fact that he’s Mormon, the willingness to support a vaguely liberal idea to win elections in a liberal state, the fact that he’s Mormon, only resignedly supporting death sattelites to patrol the Mexican border instead of gleefully supporting them, the Mormon Mormon Mormoness of Mormon Proportions, and finally, the fact that he’s Mormon.
But the Smiler will out in the end. After all, he is the natural candidate to the right wing’s campaign against democracy. Sure, more and more candidates agree that America was so much nicer when only rich white men were allowed to vote on anything, but only the Smiler shows the utter disdain for the election process. The Smiler is perfectly willing to say anything, do anything, support anything, denounce anything if it will get him a step closer to power for its own sake.
And he doesn’t care if it insults the intelligence of the American people. He knows that with the unlimited funds made possible by Citizen’s United, it no longer really even matters what he says. Cause who really cares if even the dim bulbs of the right-wing are starting to notice that they are unwanted excess to the equation? Will the low-information voters remember that when they’re worrying about how Obamacare is gonna force government into their Medicare?
Sure, Romney may not believe in shit other than the power (acquiring it, exploiting it, keeping it), but come election day, the conservative base will fall in line, rationalizing their choice over the coming months to realize the many ways in which the Smiler truly is their chosen sociopath. Their dark id to unleash on our nation. Because above all else, and above all fears of Mormoness, he possesses the most important qualification:
Not being black.
And really at the end of this long and tiring Primary, that really always was the most important thing.***
So congratulations, Smiler, may you keep our Mango hunts ever financied.
*For a given value of living. Luckily we are snark-based lifeforms who can survive entirely on the rotten mangos of right-wing blogs.
** Oh sure, technically, he’s still not the official nominee, but frankly, I’ve been sitting on this exact post way too fucking long and if the entire news media and Mitt Romney himself want to pretend the primaries are over, I’m more than willing to play along.
*** And now that I’ve gotten this out of my system, overlong mango-shreddings will continue unabated.****
**** No seriously, you have no idea how long this has been sitting on my back burner, in one form or another, just waiting for the inevitable.