Apr
17

What War on Women?




Posted at 21:01 by Tintin


ABOVE: Professor Steven Horwitz

Shorter Steven Horwitz, The Daily Fucker:
Are All Paychecks Created Equal?

  • Even if there is still a gender gap after adjusting for the fact that women voluntarily chose less worthwhile jobs, pay equity will result in more discrimination against women.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

269 Comments »

  1. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    April 17, 2012 at 21:05

    Equal Pay for Equal PENIS

  2. SoVeryConfused said,

    April 17, 2012 at 21:05

    Frist??

  3. Bard said,

    April 17, 2012 at 21:06

    trying to figure out if that’s a sharpened stick you guys photoshopped in… or something else…

  4. SoVeryConfused said,

    April 17, 2012 at 21:06

    Almost!!

  5. Bozo the Cocksucker said,

    April 17, 2012 at 21:09

    Fuck you.

  6. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    April 17, 2012 at 21:35

    This new thread is so shiny and pure, I shall not be littering with any mangoes.

  7. N__B said,

    April 17, 2012 at 21:44

    I know that I, as an employer, will hire only men if I am required to pay women equally, regardless of qualifications, personality, or experience. Because I am a moron. /right wing boss

  8. Substance McGravitas said,

    April 17, 2012 at 21:45

    Instead, the best thing libertarians can do on “Equal Pay Day” is to first point to how the private-sector changes brought by liberalism, markets and increased wealth have liberated women and brought them that much closer to equality with males.

    No separate lines for women at the payday loans window! Woo hoo!

  9. Another Kiwi said,

    April 17, 2012 at 21:49

    That’s a piss weak little article ain’t it? Probably a cut and paste job that he can use for just about any glibertarian wankery.
    It’s going to go down well with teh fundies though, to correct paycheck inequality women need to drop their home lives. Gawd will be cross!!

  10. Helmut Monotreme said,

    April 17, 2012 at 21:49

    Is it really accurate to describe a thread in which Bozo has already commented as “shiny and pure”?

  11. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    April 17, 2012 at 21:59

    Is it really accurate to describe a thread in which Bozo has already commented as “shiny and pure”?

    Compared to the previous thread, yes.

  12. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    April 17, 2012 at 22:01

    Some day, this thread will also reach puberty.
    ~

  13. Pryme said,

    April 17, 2012 at 22:06

    Some day, this thread will also reach puberty.

    Well, some one else can give it “The Talk” when that happens. I’ve learned my lesson.

  14. Another Kiwi said,

    April 17, 2012 at 22:11

    Also it’ll get all morose and stay in it’s room listening to horrible music.

  15. paleotectonics said,

    April 17, 2012 at 22:29

    Well, some one else can give it “The Talk” when that happens. I’ve learned my lesson.

    “Boys and girls, this will be a difficult class today, but remember, it is a safe place. You may ask any question without being embarrassed.”

    “Yes, Mr. Romney/Cardinal Dolan/Mz. Coulter!!!”

    “OK. Here goes. When a man and a woman love each other very much, they get married and she quits her job, so that men can work. No, no, little, Susie, its alright, she was only making 77 cents on the dollar, and she’ll be so much happier married, no decisions to make, no actual work, just house stuff. Oh! She could take up horseback riding!”

  16. Jeffraham Prestonian said,

    April 17, 2012 at 22:29

    I didn’t mean to piss off Fenwick. Purity-trolling = not well-tolerated by my digestive tract.
    .

  17. paleotectonics said,

    April 17, 2012 at 22:31

    When this thread reaches 21, I am SOOO taking it out and getting it drunk…

    And then?

    SPANKING TIME!!!

  18. Pupienus Maximus said,

    April 17, 2012 at 22:32

    Steven Chucklenuts Horridwits: First, it’s important to go beyond the talking points to understand what the “75 to 80 percent” pay gap number does not mean. It does not mean that a woman, say, doing the same job as a man with the identical qualifications will get paid 75 cents for every dollar he does. Rather, this figure reflects the average earnings difference between men and women, which makes it far less controversial than advocates would like you to believe.

    Can I get a [citation needed] please? Why, yes I can!

    Women’s median earnings are lower than men’s in nearly all occupations, whether they work in occupations predominantly done by women, occupations predominantly done by men, or occupations with a more even mix of men and women.

    OOPS!

    Women’s median earnings are lower than men’s in nearly all occupations, whether they work in occupations predominantly done by women, occupations predominantly done by men, or occupations with a more even mix of men and women. During 2011, median weekly earnings for female full-time workers were $684, compared with $832 per week for men, a gender wage ratio of 82.2 percent (Table 1; a gender wage gap of 17.8 percent).

    Added to the gender wage gap within occupations is the gender wage gap between occupations. Male-dominated occupations tend to pay more than female-dominated occupations at similar skill levels, particularly at higher levels of educational attainment.

    The gender wage gap and occupational segregation—men primarily working in occupations done by men, and women primarily working with other women—are persistent features of the U.S. labor market. Only four of the 20 most common occupations for men and the 20 most common occupations for women overlap. Four of ten women (39.5 percent) work in traditionally female occupations and between four and five of ten male workers (44.5 percent) work in traditionally male occupations; only 5.8 percent of women work in traditionally male
    occupations and only 4.6 percent of men in traditionally female occupations.

    [...]
    Women Earn Less Than Men in (Almost) All of the Most Common
    Occupations for Men

    Table 2 shows the median earnings and the gender wage gap in the 20 most common occupations…

    [...]

    From http://www.iwpr.org/publications/pubs/the-gender-wage-gap-by-occupation-1/at_download/file

  19. Whale Chowder said,

    April 17, 2012 at 22:33

    I just hope this thread doesn’t go Goth. Fuck that’s annoying.

  20. The Thread said,

    April 17, 2012 at 22:35

    But Ann Rice is sooo cool! Like, she and Lestat should totally do it!

  21. Pryme said,

    April 17, 2012 at 22:37

    When this thread reaches 21, I am SOOO taking it out and getting it drunk…

    And then?

    SPANKING TIME!!!

    Relevant: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheJailBaitWait

  22. vacuumslayer said,

    April 17, 2012 at 22:46

    I thought when we gave the thread “the talk” we’d tell it to avoid black neighborhoods.

  23. parsec said,

    April 17, 2012 at 22:54

    One of our graduating seniors gives us miniconcert:

    http://tinyurl.com/dyvp4pn

  24. parsec said,

    April 17, 2012 at 22:56

    One of our graduating seniors gives us a miniconcert:

    http://tinyurl.com/dyvp4pn

  25. Pupienus Maximus said,

    April 17, 2012 at 22:58

    HAHAHAHAHAHA

    http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/tony-perkins-secret-service-dont-ask-dont-tell

  26. The Thread said,

    April 17, 2012 at 23:05

    Pupienus Maximus said,

    April 17, 2012 at 22:58

    HAHAHAHAHAHA

    http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/tony-perkins-secret-service-dont-ask-dont-tell

    For the love of dammit. Really? Imma start investing in Brawndo Corp.

  27. Substance McGravitas said,

    April 17, 2012 at 23:07

    Women are also more likely to interrupt their careers to engage in household production, particularly raising children. Career interruptions often put those women at a disadvantage compared to men in their cohort.

    Disadvantage? Why, Steven, why?

  28. S. cerevisiae said,

    April 17, 2012 at 23:20

    Oh those silly girls and their equality. Don’t you worry your pretty little head, honey – daddy will take care of everything.

  29. actor212 (sponsored by Enzyte) said,

    April 17, 2012 at 23:25

    Wow, John Williams sure has gotten weird!

  30. actor212 (sponsored by Enzyte) said,

    April 17, 2012 at 23:27

    First, it’s important to go beyond the talking points to understand what the “75 to 80 percent” pay gap number does not mean. It does not mean that a woman, say, doing the same job as a man with the identical qualifications will get paid 75 cents for every dollar he does. Rather, this figure reflects the average earnings difference between men and women, which makes it far less controversial than advocates would like you to believe.

    Errrr, Whorewitz?

    Doesn’t “average” imply that across the population, the differences in qualifications would, um, tend to normalize to make them identical?

  31. Pupienus Maximus said,

    April 17, 2012 at 23:28

    actor – I tried to loeave a comment at your place the other day but I guess js-kit hates Opera or something. The comment: “There is NO such thing as coincidence.”

  32. Jeffraham Prestonian said,

    April 17, 2012 at 23:35

    js-kit

    Curse! Spit! Turn around three times!

    Echo ranks just below the extinct passenger pigeon in terms of real-time commenting systems. It kills my soul that Roy Edroso insists on using it.
    .

  33. Mark D (a.k.a. Unholy Moses) said,

    April 17, 2012 at 23:37

    It does not mean that a woman, say, doing the same job as a man with the identical qualifications will get paid 75 cents for every dollar he does.

    Well, yes.

    Except for, ya know, all those women doing the same job as a man with the identical qualifications who get paid less simply for not having a penis. Or so sez what most people would call reality. (PDF)

  34. Whale Chowder said,

    April 17, 2012 at 23:38

    if we say ‘let them do what we want,’ what’s next?

    Freudian slip much, Tony?

  35. RWW said,

    April 17, 2012 at 23:38

    Hey Prof. Horwitz, don’t let your penis get in the way of seeing the facts. Just sayin’…

  36. Mark D (a.k.a. Unholy Moses) said,

    April 17, 2012 at 23:38

    Shit. Sorry Pupienus Maximus — didn’t see you had linked to the same study.

    I really should read the comments before leaving one myself.

    **hangs head, sulks away**

  37. S. cerevisiae said,

    April 17, 2012 at 23:40

    OK, I saw this and loved it:

    But he also moonlights as, well, the Token Liberal on Sean Hannity’s program, and last night he said the only decent thing that’s ever been said on that show: “If you say that Head Start is a failure, you don’t know what the FUCK you’re talking about.”

    http://wonkette.com/470118/fox-news-token-liberals-f-bomb-terrifies-sean-hannity

  38. Pupienus Maximus said,

    April 17, 2012 at 23:45

    I really should read the comments before leaving one myself.

    **hangs head, sulks away**

    Heh. I came THAT close to AHEMming you AFTER you AHEMmed yourself. :-/

  39. Substance McGravitas said,

    April 17, 2012 at 23:49

    The smoking craters left behind by AHEMmings are all that’s left of many a commenter.

  40. wiley said,

    April 17, 2012 at 23:57

    Feminist groups frequently ask the government to keep its hands off their bodies. They should extend the same passion over protecting their independent personal lives to their professional lives, too.

    Wow. Wanting not to have a wand stuck up your vagina in an effort to shame you out of having an abortion is comparable to wanting the government to stand behind you for equal pay. Huh. How should an 80 year old black woman feel about this? Is not wanting your granddaughters and other women of child-bearing age to be subject to the whims of right-to-lifers’ impositions in conflict with wanting the government to uphold Civil Rights law?

    Libertarians sure do demand a lot to be subordinated to the idea of a system that is nearly indistinguishable from the dog-eat-dog version of anarchy that is likely to lead to despotism and tyranny because on the whole, societies prefer iron boot order to 24/7 WTF(!?!)

  41. tsam said,

    April 18, 2012 at 0:00

    Ahem.

    Just clearing my throat…

    What’s up with that Fenwick guy, anyway? I didn’t know he was also a troll.

    Anyway, onward.

    Hey Horowitz! Go fuck yourself with a rusty chainsaw and then jump into a pool full of salt and then say mean racist things to a black UFC fighter and then shutup. Thanks buddy.

  42. tsam said,

    April 18, 2012 at 0:01

    Feminist groups frequently ask the government to keep its hands off their bodies. They should extend the same passion over protecting their independent personal lives to their professional lives, too.

    HOLY FALSE EQUIVALENCIES, BUTTMAN!

  43. DAS said,

    April 18, 2012 at 0:16

    Alternate shorter: “The market is always right — that teachers and nurses, which have long been ‘women’s jobs’, make less than computer engineers clearly means that computers are more important than health or education and sexism has nothing to do with any of this. As a libertarian, like Glen Reynolds, I long to be a cyborg. Why do you ask?”

  44. Substance McGravitas said,

    April 18, 2012 at 0:16

    Remember back when the government hardly regulated anything and grandma was VP of Morgan Stanley? Sure you do.

  45. tsam said,

    April 18, 2012 at 0:30

    I remember all those female presidents in the 19th century.

  46. Hogeye Grex said,

    April 18, 2012 at 0:35

    LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT!

  47. RWW said,

    April 18, 2012 at 0:47

    Glibertarian means never having to defend one’s point of view in the context of history or even being aware of it. The fact that society obviously evolved to what it is today from a previous time that was glibertarian paradise with no government at all is no deterrent to them wanting to return to that state of being and start over and expect anything different to come of it. In other words, shouldn’t a devout Glibertarian be the biggest fan of the status quo in existence at any given time? Under their theory that every man is a free agent making free choices, the current state of existence is exactly what the people want or else it would be otherwise.

  48. wiley said,

    April 18, 2012 at 0:50

    “The market is always right — that teachers and nurses, which have long been ‘women’s jobs’, make less than computer engineers clearly means that computers are more important than health or education and sexism has nothing to do with any of this.

    Whenever I see a newspaper or magazine talking about how women are moving into a field as if it were another victory for feminism, I suspect the pay is going down. What a coinkydink that women became GPs in droves as most medical doctors swarmed into high-dollar specialties.

  49. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    April 18, 2012 at 1:04

    Hogeye Grex said,

    April 18, 2012 at 0:35 (kill)

    LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT!

    Related. And funny.

  50. N__B said,

    April 18, 2012 at 1:18

    I remember all those female presidents in the 19th century.

    Having steam-powered transvaginal ultrasounds toughened them up for public office.

  51. Substance McGravitas said,

    April 18, 2012 at 1:26

    Cal Thomas comes out for wages for moms:

    If a woman “chooses” to work at home (and aren’t politically liberal women supposed to support a woman’s career choice?) and if she feels adequately compensated, shouldn’t her choice be affirmed, not only by her husband or partner, if she has one, but also by society?

    Similarly, if a woman wants to work, or must work outside her home, shouldn’t she be equally supported by society and not made to feel added guilt and pressure? Reasonable people ought to be able to answer, “yes,” to both questions.

    Okay, no he doesn’t, but he doesn’t know that.

  52. Whale Chowder said,

    April 18, 2012 at 1:37

    If a woman “chooses” to work at home … and if she feels adequately compensated,

    Hm. There’s a problem in there somewhere, if I could only put my trans-vaginal ultrasound wand on it…

  53. wiley said,

    April 18, 2012 at 1:44

    Anyone here hearing about or themselves participating in the denigration of stay-at-home moms?

    Me either.

    There is not a single county in the U.S. where a person working 40 hours a week for minimum wage can afford a one bedroom apartment. Adding another adult and one or more children to the household doesn’t make it any cheaper no matter how many coupons a woman clips.

  54. N__B said,

    April 18, 2012 at 1:47

    Anyone here hearing about or themselves participating in the denigration of stay-at-home moms?

    I’ve heard any number of conservatives talk about how single stay-at-home moms are leaches who need to get jobs, but I doubt that’s what you meant.

  55. Whale Chowder said,

    April 18, 2012 at 1:59

    I’ve heard any number of conservatives talk about how single stay-at-home moms are leaches who need to get jobs, but I doubt that’s what you meant.

    They need to keep their Cadillac drivin’ and luxury-goods-buying-with-their-food-stamps on the DL.

  56. bughunter, around a mouthful of M&M's, said,

    April 18, 2012 at 2:00

    Since the boss is out of town and I’m actually ahead on my work for once, I was gonna get off the boat and go find some mangoes and maybe tell you about the juiciest ones.

    But fuck if I’m gonna turn off noscript and ghostery for dailycaller.com, just to display comments.

    Instead, I’ll just have a Pinkey’s Special

  57. Jennifer said,

    April 18, 2012 at 2:03

    What’s up with that Fenwick guy, anyway? I didn’t know he was also a troll.

    I usually don’t engage because even in the Fenwick persona, I suspect he’s making it all up. I could be wrong about that.

  58. bughunter, around a mouthful of M&M's, said,

    April 18, 2012 at 2:13

    steam-powered transvaginal ultrasounds

    Related.

    And also, too.

  59. wiley said,

    April 18, 2012 at 2:46

    If I’m not mistaken there was a dildo attachment on a peddle-operated Sears sewing machine. Seems like it would take a lot of well-coordinated effort to peddle the machine, get your ya-ya’s out, and make a garment at the same time; but there are people who can pat their head and rub their belly at the same time. Just sounds like a lot of seam ripping to me, though.

  60. Bitter Scribe said,

    April 18, 2012 at 2:56

    A long time ago, I did a newspaper endorsement interview with a wingnut candidate for the Illinois state legislature. She told me that laws mandating equal pay for women would be a bad idea because companies would just avoid hiring women.

    And why’s that? I asked

    Because most of them will quit to have children, she said.

    So women earn less money because they have children, and mandating equal pay for them is bad because it will make companies not hire them because of the children they haven’t had yet.

    Incidentally, this particular lady went on to declare during a candidates’ debate that “Hitler took all the guns away in World War I.”

  61. bughunter, concluding his broadcast day, said,

    April 18, 2012 at 3:00

    Perhaps the seamstresses worked in pairs?

    And I suspect that if your hysterical paroxysms sound like seams ripping, you’re probably doing it wrong.

  62. Substance McGravitas said,

    April 18, 2012 at 3:05

    If I’m not mistaken there was a dildo attachment on a peddle-operated Sears sewing machine. Seems like it would take a lot of well-coordinated effort to peddle the machine, get your ya-ya’s out, and make a garment at the same time

    Geez, the garment making would probably be impossible, but once you got ‘em going the momentum of the flywheel on those things would keep the pedal bouncing pretty good with minimal foot action. Seems like a natural, and a nice green version of the machine-fucking crazy.

  63. Substance McGravitas said,

    April 18, 2012 at 3:05

    “Craziness.”

  64. vacuumslayer said,

    April 18, 2012 at 3:11

    You got too excited!

  65. tigris said,

    April 18, 2012 at 3:14

    Dammit, now I’m sorry I went for a hand-crank Singer because GUESS WHO DIDN’T GET A DILDO ATTACHMENT.

  66. Substance McGravitas said,

    April 18, 2012 at 3:16

    Ha ha, no orgasms for tigris.

  67. tigris said,

    April 18, 2012 at 3:19

    Just seams. GRR.

  68. N__B said,

    April 18, 2012 at 3:21

    There’s no “i” in team nd there’s no “o” in seamstress.

  69. Substance McGravitas said,

    April 18, 2012 at 3:34

    “Seams,” madam? I know not “seams.”

  70. N__B said,

    April 18, 2012 at 3:37

    “There is no seams. Hem or hem not.”

  71. tigris said,

    April 18, 2012 at 3:48

    It seams wrong to a hem just because something in the thread has been missed.

  72. Substance McGravitas said,

    April 18, 2012 at 3:53

    It seams wrong to a hem

    THIMBLEISM FAIL

  73. N__B said,

    April 18, 2012 at 3:58

    Alas, poor masturbater! I knew hem, Tigris: a work of
    infinite stitches, of most excellent fancy: he hath
    borne his back on me a thousand times;

  74. kg said,

    April 18, 2012 at 4:01

    Thanks for the PDF Mark

  75. Smut Clyde said,

    April 18, 2012 at 4:02

    steam-powered transvaginal ultrasounds

    Worst Tom Swift novel EVAH.

  76. Substance McGravitas said,

    April 18, 2012 at 4:07

    Now, sir, jack yourself,
    Whether I in any just term am affined
    To woof the Moor.

  77. N__B said,

    April 18, 2012 at 4:13

    Friends, Sadlys, countrymen, lend me your hands;
    I come to jerk the prick, not to praise him.
    The jizz that men do lives after them;
    Their balls are oft interred with their bones;
    So let it be with the prick. The noble Kinsey
    Hath told you the prick was ambitious:
    If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
    And grievously hath the prick answer’d it.

  78. Substance McGravitas said,

    April 18, 2012 at 4:22

    All the world’s a cage,
    And all the men and women merely playthings:
    They have their exits and their entrances;
    And one man in his time sprays many tarts,
    His acts being seven outrages.

  79. Substance McGravitas said,

    April 18, 2012 at 4:25

    Dammit, should have made that more masturbatory by prefacing it with “Dear Penthouse Forum”.

  80. N__B said,

    April 18, 2012 at 4:35

    To yank, or not to yank–that is the question:
    Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
    The slings and arrows of swollen blue balls
    Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
    And by opposing end them. To yank, to sleep–
    No more–and by a sleep to say we end
    The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
    That flesh is heir to. ‘Tis a consummation
    Devoutly to be wished. To yank, to sleep–
    To sleep–perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub,
    For in that sleep well spent what dreams may come
    When we have shuffled off all our buffalo,
    Must give us pause. There’s the respect
    That makes calamity of so long life.
    For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
    Th’ oppressor’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely
    The pangs of despised love, the law’s delay,
    The insolence of office, and the spurns
    That patient merit of th’ unworthy takes,
    When he himself might his quietus make
    With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
    To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
    But that the dread of something stickier,
    The undiscovered country, from whose bourn
    No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
    And makes us rather bear those ills we have
    Than fly to others that we know not of?
    Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
    And thus the native hue of resolution
    Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought,
    And enterprise of great pitch and moment
    With this regard their currents turn awry
    And lose the name of action.

  81. N__B said,

    April 18, 2012 at 4:35

    Amazing how few changes that passage needed, really.

  82. Substance McGravitas said,

    April 18, 2012 at 4:49

    I follow him to wank my sperm upon him:
    We cannot all be masturbators, nor all masturbators
    Cannot be truly follow’d. You shall mark
    Many a duteous and knee-crooking knave,
    That, doting on his own obsequious bondage,
    Wears out his wang while liking his master’s ass,
    For nought but provender, and when he’s old, cashier’d:
    Whip me such honest knaves.

  83. bbkf said,

    April 18, 2012 at 4:52

    LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT!

    i almost blew popcorn out of my nose!

  84. N__B said,

    April 18, 2012 at 4:56

    For mine own good,
    All causes shall give way: I am in spunk
    Stepp’d in so far that, should I wade no more,
    Returning were as tedious as go o’er:
    Strange things I have in head, that will to hand;
    Which must be acted ere they may be scann’d.

  85. bbkf said,

    April 18, 2012 at 4:59

    So women earn less money because they have children, and mandating equal pay for them is bad because it will make companies not hire them because of the children they haven’t had yet.

    now i understand why men become part of the forced birth movement!

  86. Substance McGravitas said,

    April 18, 2012 at 5:08

    O, what a noble mind is here o’erthrown!
    The courtier’s, scholar’s, soldier’s, eye, tongue, weenie,
    Th’ expectancy and rising of its swollen state,
    The class of frigging and his hold of form,
    Th’ observ’d of all observers- quite, quite shown!
    And I, of ladies most deject and wretched,
    That suck’d his honey and let him then plow,
    Now see that noble and most sovereign reason,
    Like sweet bells jangled, out of tune and harsh;
    That unmatch’d form and feature of once-blown youth
    Whacking with ecstasy. O, woe is me
    T’ have seen what I have seen, see what I see!

  87. Random sampling said,

    April 18, 2012 at 5:38

    And like bright piddle
    O’er the swollen mound
    My ejaculation, glitt’ring o’er my paunch
    Shall show more clearly and attract more eyes
    Than that which hath no foil to set it off
    I’ll so offend to make offense a skill
    Sogging the biscuit when men think least I will.

  88. Another Kiwi said,

    April 18, 2012 at 5:51

    Sogging the biscuit FTW

  89. paleotectonics said,

    April 18, 2012 at 6:04

    Not sure if we haz a Poet Laureate anymore, I think Teh Chimp was more into limericks and Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader.

    However, I, in my successfully held position as Grand Wossname and official sparky of the Sadlyverse, nominate Random sampling, with his Ode To The Republican Convention, Tampa, 2012.

    WORDS, bicthez!

  90. paleotectonics said,

    April 18, 2012 at 6:12

    We few, we happy few, we band of wankers;
    For he to-day that sheds his spooge with me
    Shall be a wanker; be he ne’er so virile
    This wank shall erectile his dysfunction:
    And gentlemen in England, now a-cranking
    Shall think themselves impotent they were not here,
    And hold their manhoods gently whiles no one speaks
    That slapped the turtle with us upon Saint Mitten’s day.

  91. jim said,

    April 18, 2012 at 6:15

    75% wage? Why, that’s a Ladies Only jackpot waiting to happen.
    Women will actually be BETTER OFF the moment negative inflation kicks in!

    Hang in there, baby!

  92. Random sampling said,

    April 18, 2012 at 6:26

    N__B and Substance are giants in the the field. Thanks for encouraging my amateur hour offering but it think we all know who the real capoeira maestros of onanistic Shake-doggerel are.

  93. Wingnut Logic said,

    April 18, 2012 at 6:27

    At 80% of a man’s earnings, a woman takes home more after taxes. Added bonus, less time in Galt mode.

  94. bbkf said,

    April 18, 2012 at 6:41

    paleotectonics said,
    April 18, 2012 at 6:12

    i was hoping someone would doggerlize this…it’s my fave…but imma also going to remember sogging the biscuit, cuz that’s pretty damn good…

    Added bonus, less time in Galt mode.

    meaning more time available for household production!!!

  95. wiley said,

    April 18, 2012 at 6:46

    I had no idea Shakespeare was so filthy. Hmmm. I’m going to look something up.

  96. Substance McGravitas said,

    April 18, 2012 at 6:48

    Thou, penis, art my godhead; to thy skin
    My ten fingers are bound. Wherefore should I
    Stand in the plague of custom, and permit
    The attention of women to deprive me,
    For that I am some twelve or fourteen moonshines
    Lag of a lady? Why wanker? Wherefore base?
    When my dimensions are as well compact,
    My mind as lecherous, and my semen true,
    As honest man’s issue? Why brand they us
    With base? With baseness? Wankery? Beat, beat?
    Who, in the lusty stealth of Onan, dreams
    More fantastic and fierce variety
    Than doth, within a dull, stale, tired bed,
    Go to th’ creating a whole puddle of swimmers
    Got ‘tween asleep and wake? Well then,
    Profligate Edgar, I must use my hand.
    Our father’s love is to the wanker Edmund
    As to th’ Profligate. Fine word- ‘Profligate’!
    Well, my profligate, if this semen speed,
    And my inversion thrive, Edmund of Fap
    Shall top th’ profligate. I grow; I lengthen.
    Now, gods, stand up for wankers!

  97. wiley said,

    April 18, 2012 at 6:49

    Uh huh.

    http://www.radosh.net/writing/shakespeare.html

  98. Golem Heart said,

    April 18, 2012 at 6:54

    I went and reread Keats’ Ode on Melancholy, thinking I might muck with it, but it killed the mood.

  99. bbkf said,

    April 18, 2012 at 6:58

    I had no idea Shakespeare was so filthy. Hmmm. I’m going to look something up.

    oh, he was plenty filthy alright…when he said ‘purse’ he didn’t really mean your handbag…

  100. jim said,

    April 18, 2012 at 7:02

    Redundant concept?

  101. tensor said,

    April 18, 2012 at 7:07

    I had no idea Shakespeare was so filthy. Hmmm. I’m going to look something up.

    Get thee to a nunnery!

  102. tensor said,

    April 18, 2012 at 7:13

    The Bard spells it out for you:

    Malvolio: By my life, this is my lady’s hand these be her very C’s, her U’s and her T’s and thus makes she her great P’s. It is, in contempt of question, her hand.

  103. Whale Chowder said,

    April 18, 2012 at 7:46

    Thou, penis, art my godhead; to thy skin
    My ten fingers are bound.

    Somebody has a high opinion of himself.

  104. Suezboo said,

    April 18, 2012 at 9:53

    Wow ! You guys are freaking awesome with the Bard verse !
    Well done, wankers.

  105. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    April 18, 2012 at 10:14

    Heh, shaking the spear…

    Is this a donger which I see before me,
    The dick-head toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.
    I have thee not, and yet I see thee still.
    Art thou not, turgid vision, sensible
    To feeling as to sight? or art thou but
    A donger of the mind, a false creation,
    Proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain?
    I see thee yet, in form as palpable
    As this which now I draw.
    Thou marshall’st me the way that I was going;
    And such an instrument I was to use.
    Mine eyes are made the fools o’ the other senses,
    Or else worth all the rest; I see thee still,
    And on thy head and ballsack gouts of jizz,
    Which was not so before. There’s no such thing:
    It is the sticky business which informs
    Thus to mine eyes. Now o’er the one halfworld
    Nature seems dead, and wicked dreams abuse
    The sheet-stain’d sleep; porno celebrates
    Pale Hecate’s naughty bits, and wither’d wanking,
    Alarum’d by his sentinel, his mom,
    Whose wrath’s his watch, thrusts with his stealthy pace.

    Heh, out damn spot takes on an entirely different meaning:

    Doctor:
    What is it she does now? Look how she rubs her hands.

    Gentlewoman:
    It is an accustom’d action with her, to seem thus
    washing her hands. I have known her continue in this a quarter of
    an hour.

    Lady Macbeth:
    Yet here’s a spot.

    Doctor:
    Hark, she speaks. I will set down what comes from her, to
    satisfy my remembrance the more strongly.

    Lady Macbeth:
    Out, damn’d spot! out, I say!—One; two: why, then
    ’tis time to do’t.—Come is spurty.—Fie, my lord, fie, a wanker, and
    afeard? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our
    self-love to accompt?—Yet who would have thought the old man to
    have had so much jizz in him?

  106. N__B said,

    April 18, 2012 at 13:29

    How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is
    To have ill-fitting underwear! Away! Away!

  107. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    April 18, 2012 at 13:55

    How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is
    To have ill-fitting underwear! Away! Away!

    Is this about Mitt Romney’s magic underpants?

  108. N__B said,

    April 18, 2012 at 14:02

    Isn’t everything?

  109. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    April 18, 2012 at 15:27

    But soft, what site through yonder window breaks
    It is camwhoors-dot-com and Juliet is the star
    Arise my PENIS and kill the morning hours
    That are sick and pale without pr0ns.

  110. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    April 18, 2012 at 15:33

    Or if there were a protrusion in my pants
    Whores like your mom did lay siege to it
    Making it momentary as a sound
    Swift as a shadow, short as a wet dream,
    Brief as the lightning that in the collied night
    That in a spleen unfolds both heavens and the earth
    And ere a man hath power to say I’M COMING!
    The jaws of your mom do devour it up
    So quick her efforts bring me to completion.

  111. Pryme said,

    April 18, 2012 at 15:45

    This is all Greek to me.

  112. Pryme said,

    April 18, 2012 at 15:50

    Turn on the light, and…

  113. Cerberus said,

    April 18, 2012 at 16:41

    I like the moment his cognitive dissonance kicks in.

    So, even after I remove the hand-waving…there is still wage disparity for women doing the exact same job… um, government bad, free market fixes everything. Just look at how the unregulated market removed income disparity for wom- er… uh… FREEDOM!

  114. Pryme said,

    April 18, 2012 at 17:19

    It’s hard out there for a pimp Friedman: http://gawker.com/5903012/the-path-of-thomas-friedman-is-beset-on-all-sides-by-the-inequities-of-the-selfish

  115. actor212 (sponsored by Enzyte) said,

    April 18, 2012 at 17:30

    Echo ranks just below the extinct passenger pigeon in terms of real-time commenting systems. It kills my soul that Roy Edroso insists on using it.

    You’ll be pleased to know it’s dying in a fire on October 17.

    Guess I’ll be going back to Google comments, which suck chipotle-flavored dicks.

  116. actor212 (sponsored by Enzyte) said,

    April 18, 2012 at 17:31

    Malvolio: By my life, this is my lady’s hand these be her very C’s, her U’s and her T’s and thus makes she her great P’s. It is, in contempt of question, her hand.

    Ahhh, my favorite comic monologue: cross-gartering and all.

  117. Golem Heart said,

    April 18, 2012 at 17:57

    “Economists hypothesize that the small portion of the gap [...] is due to discrimination. And it might be true: Markets do not completely eliminate discrimination in pay by gender, after all. But that doesn’t mean government is the best way to solve the problem [...] Instead, the best thing libertarians can do on “Equal Pay Day” is to first point to how the private-sector changes brought by liberalism, markets and increased wealth have liberated women [...] The cure for any remaining discrimination is more freedom and less government — not the other way around.”

    It’s true, markets do not completely solve all problems! So libertarians should point out how almost-completely they have, to date? It’s a tricky business, though: “private-sector changes brought by liberalism” can be safely credited, but not public-sector ones, like legislation. Freedom can never mean building better government, consensually increasing its scope, acting for the public good within its current scope, etc. Freedom means only clearing barriers in the way of feudalistic concentrations of private power. Those power centers would manage markets in their interests, not free them up, as is obvious to everyone but libertarians.

    It’s quaint, too, how many people still think “free markets” and increased wealth necessarily lead to political freedoms. Even a casual look around the world should dispel that notion. Capitalism and wealth-creation coincide with all manner of discrimination and repression. Who’s impressed with the pace of progress in this (womens’ rights) area, in places where development and concentrations of wealth are legendary? Is the pace so impressive that we must restrain ourselves to administering higher doses of neoliberal medicine, or whatever Horwitz is proposing?

    So again, Horwitz says markets have not worked to eliminate discrimination against women in the workplace, and to the degree that they have worked, he’s forced to admit that liberalism is an integral factor, but not in its political manifestations, only its private-sector ones. Strong column, dude. So, so strong.

  118. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    April 18, 2012 at 18:02

    Did somebody say Wanker Of The Decade?
    ~

  119. bbkf said,

    April 18, 2012 at 18:41

    Turn on the light, and…

    mitt is such a creepy dude…this does not surprise me…here’s more of mittens complete with creepy humor

  120. Jeffraham Prestonian said,

    April 18, 2012 at 18:54

    You’ll be pleased to know it’s dying in a fire on October 17.

    No shit? I will absolutely drink to that.
    .

  121. smedley said,

    April 18, 2012 at 19:05

    “Most of our dinner table events were involving humor of one kind or another,”

    Unrestrained laughter of a knee-slapping variety ensued.

  122. bbkf said,

    April 18, 2012 at 19:08

    “Most of our dinner table events were involving humor of one kind or another,”

    right? he could not get any creepier! he makes the mormons in ‘orgasmo’ seem downright hip in comparison…

    i would love to meet him in person, just so i could go up behind him and yell, ‘jesus christ!’ just to see him look around and say ‘where?!?!’

  123. Substance McGravitas said,

    April 18, 2012 at 19:09

    right? he could not get any creepier!

    No?

    But I, that am not shaped for sportive tricks,
    Nor made to court an amorous looking-glass;
    I, that am rudely stamp’d, and want love’s majesty
    To strut before a wanton ambling nymph;
    I, that am curtail’d of this fair proportion,
    Cheated of feature by dissembling nature,
    Deformed, unfinish’d, sent before my time
    Into this breathing world, scarce half made up,
    And that so lamely and unfashionable
    That dogs bark at me as I halt by them;
    Why, I, in this weak piping time of peace,
    Have no delight to pass away the time,
    Unless to wank my wiener in the sun
    And thus ignore mine own deformity:
    And therefore, since I cannot prove a lover,
    To entertain these fair well-spoken days,
    I am determined to prove a wanker
    And take the idle pleasures of these days.
    Lubes I’ve hand-made, and dildos dangerous,
    For drunken fantasies, wishings and dreams,
    About my brother Clarence and the king
    In deadly hate the one on top the other:
    And if King Edward be as long and thick
    As I am subtle, false and treacherous,
    The ass of Clarence should then be rip’d up,
    And near a prolapsy, which says that ‘O’
    Must follow soon as I stroke it so slow.

  124. bbkf said,

    April 18, 2012 at 19:28

    I will absolutely drink to that.

    is one of your bennies all the water you can drink?

  125. bbkf said,

    April 18, 2012 at 19:29

    No?

    eff you, subby…eff you! gah! i’ve gone blind!

  126. bbkf said,

    April 18, 2012 at 19:30

    okay, weird…at this juncture in time, when i refresh my computer screen, i of course get the picture of horowitz, but then this line:

    Must follow soon as I stroke it so slow.

    immediately follows…so, that’s NOT a ‘stick’ he’s holding…

  127. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    April 18, 2012 at 19:32

    Now this is the sadly I know and love. Odes to wanking. A good way to start the day, so to speak.

  128. smedley said,

    April 18, 2012 at 19:38

    “A good way to start the day, so to speak”

    “The best part of waking up, is…………….uh, nevermind.

  129. N__B said,

    April 18, 2012 at 19:40

    WESTMORELAND. O that we now had here
    But one ten thousand of those men in England
    That wank themselves to-day!

    KING. What’s he that wishes so?
    My cousin Westmoreland? No, my fair cousin;
    If we are mark’d to watch, we are enow
    To do our country loss; and if to wank,
    The fewer men, the greater share of jizz.
    God’s will! I pray thee, wish not one man more.
    By Jove, I am not covetous for gold,
    Nor care I who doth feed upon my cost;
    It yearns me not if men my garments wear;
    Such outward things dwell not in my desires.
    But if it be a sin to covet orgasms,
    I am the most offending soul alive.
    No, faith, my coz, wish not a man from England.
    God’s peace! I would not lose so great an honour
    As one man more methinks would share from me
    For the best hope I have. O, do not wish one more!
    Rather proclaim it, Westmoreland, through my host,
    That he which hath no penis to this wank,
    Let him depart; his passport shall be made,
    And crowns for convoy put into his purse;
    We would not wank in that man’s company
    That fears his fellowship to wank with us.
    This day is call’d the feast of Crispian.
    He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
    Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam’d,
    And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
    He that shall live this day, and see old age,
    Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
    And say ‘To-morrow is Saint Crispian.’
    Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
    And say ‘These wounds I had on Crispian’s day.’
    Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
    But he’ll remember, with advantages,
    What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,
    Familiar in his mouth as household words-
    Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter,
    Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester-
    Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb’red.
    This story shall the good man teach his son;
    And Crispin Crispian shall ne’er go by,
    From this day to the ending of the world,
    But we in it shall be remembered-
    We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
    For he to-day that sheds his jizz with me
    Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,
    This day shall gentle his condition;
    And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
    Shall think themselves accurs’d they were not here,
    And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
    That fought with us upon Saint Crispin’s day.

  130. Marion in Savannah said,

    April 18, 2012 at 19:50

    S McG, that speech from Mittens III damn near killed me. Thanks!

  131. Jeffraham Prestonian said,

    April 18, 2012 at 19:54

    is one of your bennies all the water you can drink?

    I would assume so. I’ve never had a job where that wasn’t the case. ;)
    .

  132. bbkf said,

    April 18, 2012 at 19:55

    I would assume so.

    but, is it the clean water?

  133. gocart mozart said,

    April 18, 2012 at 19:59

    This happened
    http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-57415790-503544/the-doggy-wars-gop-hits-obama-for-eating-dog-as-a-child/
    My thought:
    Fifteen years ago in Bali, Indonesia, at the base of Mount Agung (rural area) I’m pretty sure I ate some dog meat.* Of course, I ordered chicken & rice but that was no chicken! It was tough and gamey and definately some type of mammel. There were also many stray dogs running around. I suppose it could have been oxen or monkey which would have been worse but my best guess is dog.

    *The cook insisted it was chicken which was bullshit. I only had two bites. I gave a piece to a stray dog (How bad is that?)

  134. Hogeye Grex said,

    April 18, 2012 at 20:08

    “The best part of waking up, is…………….uh, nevermind.

    Cream in your coffee?

  135. Substance McGravitas said,

    April 18, 2012 at 20:13

    I take it by the palm: ay, well grabbed,
    wanker: with as little a twitch as this will I
    ensure as great a squirt as Etna. I smile upon
    it, I do; I will lube thee in thine own cocksauce.
    You grow, true; ’tis so, indeed: that such strokes as
    these coax you out of your little codpiece, it is
    even better if I kiss my four fingers so
    oft, which now again you are most apt to play the
    sir in. Very good; well kissed! an excellent
    delicacy! ’tis so, indeed. Yet again my fingers
    to my lips? would they were lady-pipes for your sake!

  136. smedley said,

    April 18, 2012 at 20:22

    How many keyboards do you go through in a day, Sub?

  137. Substance McGravitas said,

    April 18, 2012 at 20:24

    It’s all voice recogni—CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR I’M BUSY.

  138. tigris said,

    April 18, 2012 at 21:05

    Wow, he’s even got a special fucking door. Dude is PREPARED.

  139. N__B said,

    April 18, 2012 at 21:28

    Open the fuck-bay doors, HAL.

  140. Pryme said,

    April 18, 2012 at 21:52

    I don’t see why a woman would want to live in any of these states, TBH: http://jezebel.com/5887627/the-ten-scariest-places-in-america-to-have-ladyparts

  141. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    April 18, 2012 at 22:02

    I don’t see why a woman would want to live in any of these states

    C’mon, teh wimmenz love high infant mortality rates, not having access to health care and a high chance of being raped. I mean, really, if you have to choose between Mississippi and, say, Somalia, Mississippi is a great choice.

  142. bbkf said,

    April 18, 2012 at 22:10

    C’mon, teh wimmenz love high infant mortality rates, not having access to health care and a high chance of being raped. I mean, really, if you have to choose between Mississippi and, say, Somalia, Mississippi is a great choice.

    it’s almost like you know me!

  143. Pryme said,

    April 18, 2012 at 22:19

    C’mon, teh wimmenz love high infant mortality rates, not having access to health care and a high chance of being raped. I mean, really, if you have to choose between Mississippi and, say, Somalia, Mississippi is a great choice.

    It’s just I never thought a politician would say, “Wouldn’t it be great if we had a real live Gotham City? But five times as big?” let alone work to make it happen…but here we are.*

    * = Sadly, sans the Dark Knight.

  144. bbkf said,

    April 18, 2012 at 22:27

    * = Sadly, sans the Dark Knight.

    whatever happened to the batman etc. dude?

  145. bbkf said,

    April 18, 2012 at 22:28

    i just heard on the radio that before he died, dick clark tweeted that he would still be at the new year’s eve show….

  146. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    April 18, 2012 at 22:38

    Dick Clark is still dead?

  147. bbkf said,

    April 18, 2012 at 22:41

    Dick Clark is still dead?

    pssssssst! so’s andrew breitbart…

  148. bbkf said,

    April 18, 2012 at 23:26

    legend in his own mind radio host joe soucheray mercilessly mocking the norwegians and their court system…claims that ‘the left’s tendency to equalize everything is making them unable to distinguish good from evil’…claims also that the norwegian court is treating brevik with ‘deference’ for shaking his hand, allowing him to wear a suit, commenting on his good spirits and reading his 13 page statement…

    fucking nuance, how does it work?

  149. Major Kong said,

    April 18, 2012 at 23:28

    I mean, really, if you have to choose between Mississippi and, say, Somalia, Mississippi is a great choice.

    I spent almost 5 years of my Air Force career in Mississippi. When I left the state I stopped my car at the state line and laid rubber across it.

  150. wiley said,

    April 18, 2012 at 23:34

    My condolences, Major. My only experience in Mississippi was two six-week hitches for tech school. That was some seriously low-rent real estate. The only consolation was the biscuits in the chow hall.

  151. alec said,

    April 18, 2012 at 23:37

    I don’t see why a woman would want to live in any of these states, TBH:

    Because their mothers are the bones of the hills and their sweat and blood is the bounty of the soil.

    You’d be surprised how many people aren’t just moving around a creative-industry job and ready access to Trader Joe’s. Not my trip either, but you can’t just pretend it’s nobody’s.

    TL, DR surrendering the homelands of Big Bill Haywood and Helen Keller seems a little myopic in that classic pwogwessive retreatist way, dunnit?

  152. wiley said,

    April 18, 2012 at 23:37

    …whatever happened to the batman etc. dude?

    Yeah— who’s got the goddam Goddamned Batman signal, goddammit? We could use the etcetera.

  153. paleotectonics said,

    April 18, 2012 at 23:51

    When I left the state I stopped my car at the state line and laid rubber poured bleach across it.

    Fixedandfergettided for moar sanitation.

  154. Substance McGravitas said,

    April 18, 2012 at 23:51

    There was an El Cid post recently and I was happy to see that.

  155. paleotectonics said,

    April 18, 2012 at 23:53

    who’s got the goddam Goddamned Batman signal, goddammit?

    Relevish

  156. tsam said,

    April 18, 2012 at 23:55

    C’mon, teh wimmenz love high infant mortality rates, not having access to health care and a high chance of being raped

    If they only had the guts to redefine rape, that statistic would drop dramatically.

  157. tsam said,

    April 18, 2012 at 23:57

    legend in his own mind radio host joe soucheray mercilessly mocking the norwegians and their court system…claims that ‘the left’s tendency to equalize everything is making them unable to distinguish good from evil’…claims also that the norwegian court is treating brevik with ‘deference’ for shaking his hand, allowing him to wear a suit, commenting on his good spirits and reading his 13 page statement…

    They could take a few tips from the people who knocked off Saddam. That’s all I’m saying…

  158. paleotectonics said,

    April 19, 2012 at 0:07

    tsam said,
    April 18, 2012 at 23:57

    Soucheray is a twin cities knucklehead, who seems to be aspiring to the position of Ole Penisfessor. Mr. Right-wing Centrist, if you will.

    Me, I won’t. I’m thinking, ummm, fucking tool? No, no, pfshew. Aspiring douchebag? Actually, that’s too complementary, implies he’s not already a douchebag. Let’s see…

    I got it!
    FUCK HIM IN HIS FAT GOAT-ASS.

  159. alec said,

    April 19, 2012 at 0:16

    FUCK HIM IN HIS FAT GOAT-ASS.

    Hey! Goats aren’t even domesticated, they just like the cut of our jib. Why you gotta treat a decent animal like that. :(

  160. El Manquécito said,

    April 19, 2012 at 0:18

    There was an El Cid post recently and I was happy to see that.

    Me too.

  161. tsam said,

    April 19, 2012 at 0:20

    I like the idea of trying monsters differently from petty criminals. That way you can feel all tough and shit.

    He would like his goat ass fucked–hence his fascination with the pretty boy mass-murderer who fancies himself a Knight Templar. They got swords.

  162. tsam said,

    April 19, 2012 at 0:27

    Who wants to bet you have a much better chance of doing a long prison sentence for having an ounce of weed on you than being convicted of a rape in Texas? Anyone?

  163. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    April 19, 2012 at 0:28

    TL, DR surrendering the homelands of Big Bill Haywood and Helen Keller seems a little myopic in that classic pwogwessive retreatist way, dunnit?

    Teh wackypedia sez that Big Bill Haywood was born in Salt Lake, but OK.

    I’m not “surrendering” anything, especially not the home of the Blues. It’s just one of those fronts in the battle that is the weakest right now.

  164. paleotectonics said,

    April 19, 2012 at 0:31

    Who wants to bet you have a much better chance of doing a long prison sentence for having an ounce of weed on you than being convicted of a rape in Texas? Anyone?

    Depends on the rape. Anyone non-white/xian/Dallas Cowboy raping a deb? Won’t make it to trial.

    Actually, I guess yer right – they won’t do a long prison sentence.

  165. Major Kong said,

    April 19, 2012 at 0:31

    My only experience in Mississippi was two six-week hitches for tech school.

    You must have been down at Keesler AFB (Biloxi). I was at Columbus AFB, which didn’t even have the advantage of being near the water.

  166. tsam said,

    April 19, 2012 at 0:32

    Captain Obvious lands a new job: Writing headlines for CNN Online.

  167. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    April 19, 2012 at 0:36

    Captain Obvious lands a new job: Writing headlines for CNN Online.

    Heh. Alternate headline:

    Experts: Water may be wet. More study needed.

  168. tsam said,

    April 19, 2012 at 0:38

    Experts: Water may be wet. More study needed.

    Ha!

    Or…

    Experts: Pain Hurts.

  169. tigris said,

    April 19, 2012 at 1:05

    legend in his own mind radio host joe soucheray mercilessly mocking the norwegians and their court system…claims that ‘the left’s tendency to equalize everything is making them unable to distinguish good from evil’…

    The Norwegians are acting like adults, not frightened children who are ready to give up their rights and responsibilities as long as big daddy makes them feel safe, so that’s one for Norway… besides which the “evil” he claims they can’t distinguish is acting on his leftist-hating rhetoric, so I’d say the fact that they’re having a trial in Norway while he’s still on the radio here makes it two for Norway.

  170. alec said,

    April 19, 2012 at 1:12

    Teh wackypedia sez that Big Bill Haywood was born in Salt Lake, but OK.

    I chose him out of a hat because Southern history isn’t my forte and Utah is one of the places in America where it’s currently worst to be anything except white, male, hetero, and rich.

    I’m not “surrendering” anything, especially not the home of the Blues. It’s just one of those fronts in the battle that is the weakest right now.

    It’d be ridiculous to pretend otherwise. And certainly I wouldn’t abide someone deciding to move to Moose Balls, MT for the scenery and then having the gall to be furious about how weird and repressive Moose Balls, MT society is. But I’m simultaneously tired of left-coast smuggos (typically Californians) seeing primary colors on a map and wondering loudly why anyone who doesn’t like the wrong kind of primary color doesn’t move to an area with the right kind of primary color. It’s comforting in an uncomfortable world to come up with such simple answers, which is why among the ranks of teenagers and Californians we also see so many gold-bugs and third-wayers.

    Boo to moose balls is what I’m saying here.

  171. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    April 19, 2012 at 1:22

    Boo to moose balls is what I’m saying here.

    Maybe they’re really good lightly battered and deep fried?

  172. alec said,

    April 19, 2012 at 1:35

    Maybe they’re really good lightly battered and deep fried?

    Mince ‘em fine, open up some garlic, cumin, and pepper in ghee, and sautee them balls. It’s like butter.

  173. Whale Chowder said,

    April 19, 2012 at 1:43

    OT (right): Around Seattle, I’m seeing more and more bumper stickers and bus ads bearing the slogan “Jesus is _____________.” — like a Mad Lib.

    Every time I see that I wish I had a grease pen or paint so that I could fill in the blank:

    Jesus is PRETEND

    Jesus is MY IMAGINARY FRIEND

    Jesus is A FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION

    Jesus is A CHARACTER IN A FIRST CENTURY FABLE

    After rotating through variants of those, I’ve started thinking of more interesting fill-ins:

    Jesus is A CLUB BY WHICH THE OLIGARCHY KEEPS YOU DOWN

    Jesus is A WAY TO KEEP THE OUTS OUT

    Jesus is THE NAME OF YOUR GARDENER

    Jesus is NOT REALLY WHO CHOSE THE POPE

    But now I’m running out of ideas. Entertain me. Fill in the Mad Lib:

    Jesus is ____________________.

  174. alec said,

    April 19, 2012 at 1:49

    Jesus is HOT, BLACK, AND DRAGGED OVER THE ANDES IN A SACK

  175. Major Kong said,

    April 19, 2012 at 1:51

    Jesus is – a lot like Elvis. I love the guy, but the fans can get pretty creepy.

  176. wiley said,

    April 19, 2012 at 1:53

    “…didn’t even have the advantage of being near the water.”

    It’s amazing how much the Gulf of Mexico can look like a nasty little sump-hole.

  177. S. cerevisiae said,

    April 19, 2012 at 1:56

    Jesus is — serving half price burritos from 4-6 pm today at Burrito Barn.

  178. Substance McGravitas said,

    April 19, 2012 at 1:57

    Jesus is 13 candles sewn to a cube.
    Jesus is 207 liters of silly putty.
    Jesus is a 258 cm long hot pink and blue striped scarf with “a number of ” written on it.
    Jesus is a bandaged purple engine, an iMac, a frozen armchair, and a knife.
    Jesus is a bath full of foamboard an obelisk resembling John Lennon.
    Jesus is a burnished clock and a spork in a pencil case.
    Jesus is a computer resembling an aeroplane.
    Jesus is Aa dusty loaf splattered with tar.

  179. alec said,

    April 19, 2012 at 2:01

    Jesus is HAPPIER, DYING LATER

    Jesus is ALIVE AND WELL AND LIVING IN ARGENTINA
    MY OTHER Jesus is A PALESTINIAN RABBI
    IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THE CHRIST FELL OFF

  180. alec said,

    April 19, 2012 at 2:03

    MY JESUS KNOCKED UP YOUR HONOR ROLL STUDENT

  181. tigris said,

    April 19, 2012 at 2:04

    Jesus is…
    dead
    coming again, it just takes longer the second time
    still crazy after all these years
    never having to say you’re sorry
    the keymaster

  182. The Doobie Brothers said,

    April 19, 2012 at 2:22

    Jesus is just alright with me

  183. alec said,

    April 19, 2012 at 2:22

    Jesus is BIGGER THAN JESUS

    Jesus is THE BOOST YOUR PRODUCT NEEDS

    Jesus is HERE, JESUS IS QUEER, GET USED TO IT

    Jesus is MY SECRET SHOPPER

    Jesus is MORE THAN JUST THE BEST TITS IN WASHINGTON STATE

    Jesus is THE ONE PERCENT

    Jesus is’NT JUST THE PRESIDENT – HE’S A CLIENT

    Jesus is ELEVEN INCHES LONG, ELEVEN INCHES STRONG, TRULY THE KING OF KINGS

  184. alec said,

    April 19, 2012 at 2:26

    Jesus is OVERQUALIFIED

    Jesus is LOOKING FOR SOMETHING MORE UPMARKET RIGHT NOW, SORRY

    Jesus is BUYING A COLOR TV WITH FOOD STAMPS

    Jesus is BLACK AND HE’S PROUD

    Jesus is’NT RACIST, BUT . . .

  185. alec said,

    April 19, 2012 at 2:29

    And finally, for special consideration:

    JESUS IS GOING GALT

  186. Wikipedia said,

    April 19, 2012 at 2:30

    Jesus is described by various means in the Quran.

  187. jim said,

    April 19, 2012 at 2:31

    Jesus is SICK & TIRED OF YOUR SHIT.
    Jesus is THE XEROX MACHINE OF LOAVES & FISHES.
    Jesus is BURNING.
    Jesus is WHY I DRINK.
    Jesus is NOT YOUR PERSONAL ARMY.
    Jesus is BIGGER THAN THE BEATLES.
    Jesus is JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

  188. vacuumslayer said,

    April 19, 2012 at 2:37

    Jesus is WHY I DRINK.

    Well, shit, he brought the wine.

  189. vacuumslayer said,

    April 19, 2012 at 2:39

    Jesus is cyber-bullying your child.

  190. Snorghagen said,

    April 19, 2012 at 2:46

    Jesus is fed up with being worshipped by creeps.

  191. alec said,

    April 19, 2012 at 2:48

    Jesus is cyber-bullying your child.

    Jesus is a helicopter parent.

    Jesus is not a crime.

    JESUS LIED, JUDAS DIED

  192. AD&D 1st ed. Deities & Demigods Cyclopedia said,

    April 19, 2012 at 2:49

    Jesus is a bloated humanoid form 100 feet high with an octopoid head and a face of tentacle-like cilia. It has scaly, rubbery skin, and prodigious hands and feet with curved talons. A pair of folded bat-like wings protrude from between its shoulders.

    Jesus lies in a huge stone structure [in the sunken city of R'lyeh] sealed with the Elder Sign. If the seal is broken and the god released, everyone in a radius of 100 miles must make a saving throw against death or go insane.

    Jesus usually attacks both physically and psionically. He can regenerate 10 hit points per melee round. He teleports up to one-half mile at will and is totally immune to the effects of water, cold, and vacuum. He can call up from the sea up to 10-100 of the Deep Ones. He will retreat into his lair if confronted with an intact Elder Sign, another of the Old Ones (such as Hastur), or some natural catastrophe, such as the re-sinking of the city of R’lyeh into the sea.

    Jesus is served by the Deep Ones as well as his human worshipers, who often interbreed with the fish-men. Jesus’s cult is usually hidden and secret, and is dedicated to bringing about Jesus’s return and conquest of the world.

  193. Whale Chowder said,

    April 19, 2012 at 3:02

    IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THE CHRIST FELL OFF

    first among equals.

    Many good’uns here. I knew you magnificent bastards (and bitches ( and i mean that in the nicest way)) would come through.

  194. S. cerevisiae said,

    April 19, 2012 at 3:22

    Jesus is — beginning to look a lot like fishmen

  195. Hogeye Grex said,

    April 19, 2012 at 3:25

    OT (right): Around Seattle, I’m seeing more and more bumper stickers and bus ads bearing the slogan “Jesus is _____________.” — like a Mad Lib.

    The other day I saw an “I ❤ my beagle” or somesuch sticker and was reminded of the fellow who had a bunch of sticker circles of the appropriate size made up with a picture of a screw on them so as to cover up the ❤.

    Wanting them again.

    So, get yer “…COMING! DAMN, STOP LOOKING YOU SICK PIECE OF SHIT!” or whatever stickers made up online and go to town.

  196. alec said,

    April 19, 2012 at 3:36

    The other day I saw an “I ? my beagle” or somesuch sticker and was reminded of the fellow who had a bunch of sticker circles of the appropriate size made up with a picture of a screw on them so as to cover up the ?.

    Wanting them again.

    What kind of dimensions you get on one of those hearts?

  197. Substance McGravitas said,

    April 19, 2012 at 3:41

    Jesus is a 185 cm long dark grey and orange striped scarf with “deadpan ” written on it.
    Jesus is a faded photocopy of Thomas Jefferson.
    Jesus is a pink t-shirt with “masculinely ” printed in faded beige type below a drawing of Calcutta.
    Jesus is teeth from organic callous waists.
    Jesus is a crazy golf course hole in which the obstacles include: an ironing board used remodeling all that you believe to be true.
    Jesus is a recorder used producing cartographies.
    Jesus is a slab of tortoiseshell in a dark green traffic cone.
    Jesus is more than one replica of more than one security camera made of toothpaste.
    Jesus is a load of baguettes on the right of a searchlight.

  198. Golem Heart said,

    April 19, 2012 at 3:43

    It’d be absurdly easy to make a bunch of screw stickers of various sizes.

    Isn’t there just special “paper” you feed into a standard printer?

  199. alec said,

    April 19, 2012 at 3:48

    Isn’t there just special “paper” you feed into a standard printer?

    The tradeoff, commercially, is for quality. Paper stickers are totally easy to make at home, but vinyl stickers are more expensive, and get progressively more so when you start talking about stuff that’ll stick tenaciously on smooth surfaces.

  200. Substance McGravitas said,

    April 19, 2012 at 3:48

    Bumper stickers have to weather really well. I do like the screw idea a lot though.

  201. Golem Heart said,

    April 19, 2012 at 3:51

    I guess there’s no point in defiling somebody’s bumper sticker unless your overlay is as durable as theirs.

  202. alec said,

    April 19, 2012 at 3:56

    I guess there’s no point in defiling somebody’s bumper sticker unless your overlay is as durable as theirs.

    I believe the selling phrase would be “intertextuality”.

    The other thing I want to see is a porn-style YOWZA! star sticker; I was inspired by a little cardboard stand of Donald Trump in the local pharmacy and felt that, as Procopius said of Theodora, if he wanted to make himself decent he should cover up his mouth along with his other holes.

    A late entry, but a winner for the theme: JESUS IS LAME! GIVE US BARABBAS!

  203. Golem Heart said,

    April 19, 2012 at 4:03

    “as Procopius said of Theodora, if he wanted to make himself decent he should cover up his mouth along with his other holes.”

    When Joe and Jane Six-Pack are led to believe that a liberal arts education won’t teach them anything useful, nobody tells them about the zingers and suchlike.

  204. alec said,

    April 19, 2012 at 4:13

    When Joe and Jane Six-Pack are led to believe that a liberal arts education won’t teach them anything useful, nobody tells them about the zingers and suchlike.

    Yeah, especially on Theodora, the Secret History is basically an endless collection of them. It has chapter titles like “How All Roman Citizens Became Slaves” and “How Justinian Killed A Trillion People”. The absolute best paragraph:

    HOW THEODORA, MOST DEPRAVED OF ALL COURTESANS, WON HIS LOVE

    On the field of pleasure she was never defeated. Often she would go picnicking with ten young men or more, in the flower of their strength and virility, and dallied with them all, the whole night through. When they wearied of the sport, she would approach their servants, perhaps thirty in number, and fight a duel with each of these; and even thus found no allayment of her craving. Once, visiting the house of an illustrious gentleman, they say she mounted the projecting corner of her dining couch, pulled up the front of her dress, without a blush, and thus carelessly showed her wantonness. And though she flung wide three gates to the ambassadors of Cupid, she lamented that nature had not similarly unlocked the straits of her bosom, that she might there have contrived a further welcome to his emissaries.

  205. paleotectonics said,

    April 19, 2012 at 4:15

    Jesus is Brian.
    And so’s his wife.

  206. paleotectonics said,

    April 19, 2012 at 4:19

    Jesus is in the house. He’s CALLING FROM IN THE HOUSE!

  207. Jeffraham Prestonian said,

    April 19, 2012 at 4:22

    Jesus is sorry he can’t take your call, so if you would, please leave a detailed message including your phone number, at the tone.
    .

  208. paleotectonics said,

    April 19, 2012 at 4:24

    @Jeffraham

    What the hell, you get a job and religion the same week?

  209. Jeffraham Prestonian said,

    April 19, 2012 at 4:25

    Jesus is making a note that you’re not on the “nice list.”
    .

  210. paleotectonics said,

    April 19, 2012 at 4:26

    Jesus is my wingman.

    We’re headed to the club, apostle out!

  211. Golem Heart said,

    April 19, 2012 at 4:26

    “And though she flung wide three gates to the ambassadors of Cupid, she lamented that nature had not similarly unlocked the straits of her bosom, that she might there have contrived a further welcome to his emissaries.”

    This I had read.

    “How Justinian Killed A Trillion People” sounds like the caption under the picture accompanying the dictionary entry for “hyperbole.” Who knew the somewhat-ancients needed such big numbers? Even for killing and sluttery, they could’na have.

    One of you wank-minded eggheads knows when trillions were invented, and I’ll be damned if I’ll look it up with one hand here.

  212. Jeffraham Prestonian said,

    April 19, 2012 at 4:26

    What the hell, you get a job and religion the same week?

    Naw. Fuck fairy tales and unicorn poop.
    .

  213. paleotectonics said,

    April 19, 2012 at 4:28

    “And though she flung wide three gates to the ambassadors of Cupid, she lamented that nature had not similarly unlocked the straits of her bosom, that she might there have contrived a further welcome to his emissaries.”

    Now we’re talking! Let me refresh my drinkie-poo!

  214. N__B said,

    April 19, 2012 at 4:30

    Jesus is or is not. Schrodinger sez OPEN THE BOX.

  215. Jeffraham Prestonian said,

    April 19, 2012 at 4:32

    Touch your toes!

    Aha! I didn’t say, “JESUS SAYS touch your toes!”
    .

  216. paleotectonics said,

    April 19, 2012 at 4:33

    Naw. Fuck fairy tales and unicorn poop.

    I always liked the phraseology “Unicorns farting fairies”

  217. alec said,

    April 19, 2012 at 4:39

    “How Justinian Killed A Trillion People” sounds like the caption under the picture accompanying the dictionary entry for “hyperbole.” Who knew the somewhat-ancients needed such big numbers? Even for killing and sluttery, they could’na have.

    One of you wank-minded eggheads knows when trillions were invented, and I’ll be damned if I’ll look it up with one hand here.

    The original Greek was either “a myriad myriads” or “a myriad myriads of myriads”; the latter actually ciphers out to exactly one trillion, but both probably were used to mean “a shit-ton”. Procopius reasoned that Justinian had killed a trillion people because he completely depopulated Africa, and Italy – which is bigger and has more people than Africa – and also the Balkans and Germany, and he was a demon in human form (see “Proving That Justinian and Theodora Were Actually Fiends in Human Form”; representative evidence: sometimes his face would disappear or his head would float away, and also he killed a trillion people and only a demon could do that) and used his demon powers to cause earthquakes, storms, the flooding of the Nile, etc.

    Hyperbole? Nah, sounds plausible to me. I mean, he did kill everyone in Italy.

    The best part: Procopius was known in his time for hagiographies of Justinian and Theodora, which he wrote before and after Anekdota and both during and after their reign (Anekdota was during). Nobody is wholly sure what the fuck was up with Anekdota, but my money is on insult comedy.

  218. paleotectonics said,

    April 19, 2012 at 4:41

    but my money is on insult comedy.

    Procopius is Lisa Lampanelli?

  219. alec said,

    April 19, 2012 at 4:58

    Also, as to who invented trillions – WP sez Jehan Adam in 1475, although it was originally long scale (‘trimillion’ as in ‘a million million millions’, by analogy to a ‘bimillion’ of a million millions, not ‘trillion’ as in ‘a thousand thousand thousand thousands’). The Sand Reckoner did something similar for Greek roughly a millennium before Procopius’s time, although Arabic numerals and place-holding zero / positional arithmetic were not yet in use. You wrote out any number bigger than 1000, you counted up by myriads (kind of like East Asian numbers) and before positional Arabic numerals came into use you used letters as numbers sorta-kinda-but-not-really like Latin: ’345′ would be ???? “three hundred forty one” but equally could be ???? “forty-one and three hundred”.

    The Greeks still use this in preference to roman numerals for things we use roman numerals for – the guy who dragged Greeks to India is Alexandros G’ the Big Boy. There’s a reason it didn’t catch on.

  220. alec said,

    April 19, 2012 at 5:02

    Whoops, Sadly doesn’t like greek – tma’ “three hundred forty one” but mat’ “forty one and three hundred”, and also what Russians call cuss words because that’s how many separate conjugations of the word “dick” they have.

  221. wiley said,

    April 19, 2012 at 5:08

    Jesus can’t come to the phone right now, if you’d like to leave a message, press 1.

  222. paleotectonics said,

    April 19, 2012 at 5:09

    Lizzy Borden took an axe and gave her father m wacks.
    When she saw what she had done she gave her mother ma.

  223. wiley said,

    April 19, 2012 at 5:10

    Damnit! Should have read the new part of the thread first.

    think, think, think

    Jesus knows what you do did last summer.

  224. paleotectonics said,

    April 19, 2012 at 5:12

    Jesus knows what you do did last summer.

    Dropped a dime on me?!?! Why I oughtta…

  225. alec said,

    April 19, 2012 at 5:32

    Lizzy Borden took an axe and gave her father m wacks.
    When she saw what she had done she gave her mother ma.

    My bologna has a first name, it’s 70-200-20-1-100
    My bologna has a second name, it’s 40-1-3-5-100
    I love to eat it every day and if you ask me why
    I’ll say
    ‘Cause Oscar Mayer has a way with 2-70-30-70-3-50-1

  226. Recently observed badge said,

    April 19, 2012 at 5:49

    “I ❤❤ the Doctor”.

  227. rodert rudis said,

    April 19, 2012 at 6:17

    Jesus is the name of the first five male children born to Manuel de Jesus and Maria de Jesus, Ocotal, Nueva Segovia, Nicaragua.

  228. wiley said,

    April 19, 2012 at 6:24

    Hope your enjoying your new job, JP. Looking forward to that first check?

  229. S. cerevisiae said,

    April 19, 2012 at 6:35

    TBogg is a national treasure just for headlines like this: http://tbogg.firedoglake.com/2012/04/18/catholic-league-to-crucify-jew-for-vagina-manger-blasphemy/

  230. Golem Heart said,

    April 19, 2012 at 7:08

    “Jesus is the name of the first five male children born to Manuel de Jesus and Maria de Jesus, Ocotal, Nueva Segovia, Nicaragua.”

    And the boys’ middle names? Let me guess: Jesus.

  231. alec said,

    April 19, 2012 at 8:48

    And the boys’ middle names? Let me guess: Jesus.

    That reminds me of Patton Oswalt’s routine about Sesame Street — and druuuuuuugs!!!

    (No, really, listen to it.)

  232. Jeffraham Prestonian said,

    April 19, 2012 at 13:40

    Hope your enjoying your new job, JP. Looking forward to that first check?

    Thanks! First day is this Monday, 4/23. It had to be verified that I had excellent urine, and that I had not had a DUI in the last three years, or two moving violations in the past six months. And something about not giving money to madrassas, ever.
    .

  233. N__B said,

    April 19, 2012 at 14:03

    Urine the money
    Urine the money
    You’ve got a lot of what it takes
    To get a job

  234. smedley said,

    April 19, 2012 at 14:25

    Has anybody here referenced Sippy Cupp’s latest opus:

    http://www.nydailynews.com/opinion/smartest-choice-ann-romney-made-article-1.1063115#ixzz1sOppSSOA

    Ann Romney married well so you, too, should marry well and STFU feminazis!!!

  235. Arakasi said,

    April 19, 2012 at 15:35

    I admit that I don’t care for the Romneys, but I wouldn’t call Ann a whore and a golddigger like Sippy Cupp did.

  236. Major Kong said,

    April 19, 2012 at 16:07

    Well heck, Mitt chose his parents well so I guess it’s OK if Ann chose her husband well.

  237. RWW said,

    April 19, 2012 at 16:20

    Sippy Cupp appears envious that she hasn’t bagged a man with millions in inherited wealth and millions more from being a well-connected predator capitalist. Because Ann did exactly that she is nothing but praiseworthy. Sippy’s piece is unreadable drivel purporting to know what if anything was in Ann’s head at the time she hooked up with Mitt or since then. Of course, such crap is only served up to knock down ridiculously constructed liberal straw men. The biggest laugh is Sippy’s suggestion that Ann is a good role model for anyone who wasn’t born into the top one-tenth of the top 1% of wealth. Alas, writing dreck like this for the meager crumbs of wingnut welfare, Sippy’s only doing her duty and pity please to those who serve, they only get what they deserve.

  238. Major Kong said,

    April 19, 2012 at 16:30

    It had to be verified that I had excellent urine

    As a transportation worker, I’m subject to random testing.

    We’ll be inbound to Memphis and they’ll send us a message over the datalink “Employee # xxxxx report to Ops after landing” which means “Better start drinking coffee because you’re going to have to pee”.

  239. actor212 (sponsored by Enzyte) said,

    April 19, 2012 at 16:46

    Has anybody here referenced Sippy Cupp’s latest opus:

    I would have but I couldn’t stop laughing.

  240. actor212 (sponsored by Enzyte) said,

    April 19, 2012 at 16:47

    “Better start drinking coffee because you’re going to have to pee”.

    Hope they don’t ever classify caffeine as illegal, for your sake

  241. tsam said,

    April 19, 2012 at 16:59

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Best meme EVER EVER X INFINITY PLUS ONE

  242. tsam said,

    April 19, 2012 at 17:00

    Poonhounds UNITE

  243. smedley said,

    April 19, 2012 at 17:15

    Por favor: Perro cachondo

  244. bbkf said,

    April 19, 2012 at 17:32

    The Norwegians are acting like adults, not frightened children who are ready to give up their rights and responsibilities as long as big daddy makes them feel safe, so that’s one for Norway…

    one of the things that really torqued soucheray off was that the prosecutor apparently said, after brevik (am i spelling that right?) was interrupted in reading his statement, ‘we must let him finish what he wants to tell us…’

    i’m like, ‘soucheray, d00d…he’s fucking giving them all the ammunition they need to put him a way for a long, long time…because he is telling them unapologetically that he did it and he will do it again if he’s released into the general public…

    i am a big fan of conventions and ceremony, so i find it fascinating how norway treats its prisoners with dignity, no matter how evil they are…but yeah, soucheray and his motorcycle and huge cylinder index can’t distinguish between archaic ‘let’s shoot ‘em up’ cowboy rhetoric and centuries of treating people as people…

  245. bbkf said,

    April 19, 2012 at 17:33

    also:

    holy fuckaroo! i had the best tittyfucking annual review ever at last night’s board meeting…i got some extra pto AND a fat raise which i did not ask for…how neat is that?

  246. paleotectonics said,

    April 19, 2012 at 17:40

    i got some extra pto AND a fat raise which i did not ask for…how neat is that?

    Natch. “You need a plan? Mm-hmm. Dinner for 300? Bring it, bitchez.”

  247. bbkf said,

    April 19, 2012 at 17:44

    Jesus is — serving half price burritos from 4-6 pm today at Burrito Barn.

    om…you will appreciate this…almost every day i hear an ad for an elegant, new, private ‘casino’ in watertown, sd…it’s called the alleycat and it’s located behind some burrito place…it also has a private entrance in the alley…doesn’t that sound elegant?

  248. Jeffraham Prestonian said,

    April 19, 2012 at 17:44

    i got some extra pto AND a fat raise which i did not ask for…how neat is that?

    YAY!!!!!
    .

  249. tsam said,

    April 19, 2012 at 17:46

    TBogg is a national treasure just for headlines like this: http://tbogg.firedoglake.com/2012/04/18/catholic-league-to-crucify-jew-for-vagina-manger-blasphemy/

    I just got a text from Jesus: “LMFAO”

  250. tsam said,

    April 19, 2012 at 17:46

    om…you will appreciate this…almost every day i hear an ad for an elegant, new, private ‘casino’ in watertown, sd…it’s called the alleycat and it’s located behind some burrito place…it also has a private entrance in the alley…doesn’t that sound elegant?

    OMG address please!

  251. tsam said,

    April 19, 2012 at 17:52

    All this bumper sticker talk has me formulating a plot to tag Xtian vehicles with heretical stickers of my own making. Or even the existing ones, like the “coexist” made up of all the different superstitious symbols.

    How supremely AWESOME would it be to make the local news “Local police baffled by Bumper Sticker Bandit”…

    I will post all news articles.

  252. N__B said,

    April 19, 2012 at 17:53

    r an elegant, new, private ‘casino’ in watertown, sd…it’s called the alleycat and it’s located behind some burrito place…it also has a private entrance in the alley…doesn’t that sound elegant?

    Scent-marking the alley is easier after you eat some burritos.

  253. bbkf said,

    April 19, 2012 at 17:54

    OMG address please!

    right? i’ll pick you up…watertown is pretty small, so we can just cruise the streets and find it pretty easily…remember to bring your beano…i don’t want any smelly farts in my van…

  254. tsam said,

    April 19, 2012 at 17:55

    right? i’ll pick you up…watertown is pretty small, so we can just cruise the streets and find it pretty easily…remember to bring your beano…i don’t want any smelly farts in my van…

    I’ll be ready in 10 minutes. My wetsuit is completely dry and ready for business.

  255. Whale Chowder said,

    April 19, 2012 at 17:56

    how neat is that?

    Well isn’t that a bag of tits?

  256. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    April 19, 2012 at 18:19

    TBogg is a national treasure just for headlines like this: http://tbogg.firedoglake.com/2012/04/18/catholic-league-to-crucify-jew-for-vagina-manger-blasphemy/

    That is an excellent headline. I like TBogg and wish I could read the article, but for some reason my Opera never finishes loading FDL. It’s probably for my own good.

    Oh, and S. cerevisiae: I’ll be heading to Brew Station between 4:00 and 4:30… I hope they have Ink Heart CDA on tap.

  257. S. cerevisiae said,

    April 19, 2012 at 18:19

    tsam, that would be a great idea for a website – texts from Jesus.

  258. bbkf said,

    April 19, 2012 at 18:21

    tsam, that would be a great idea for a website – texts from Jesus.

    even better than texts from hillary!

  259. tsam said,

    April 19, 2012 at 18:22

    tsam, that would be a great idea for a website – texts from Jesus.

    Oh, that’s an AWESOME IDEA.

  260. paleotectonics said,

    April 19, 2012 at 18:29

    Texts From Jesus

    Out of wine. Stupid blue laws.

  261. paleotectonics said,

    April 19, 2012 at 18:37

    Texts From Jesus

    Missed the ferry. Daddamnit!

  262. jim said,

    April 19, 2012 at 18:46

    Oh, that’s an AWESOME IDEA.

    Related to your interests.

  263. tsam said,

    April 19, 2012 at 18:56

    texts from Jesus

    Have you thanked me lately for the Victoria’s Secret Catalog and bacon double cheeseburgers?

  264. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    April 19, 2012 at 19:02

    texts from Jesus

    @Mohammed: see you at the bar later? Ask Buddha if he wants to come, fucker owes me a beer.

  265. tsam said,

    April 19, 2012 at 19:05

    dalls cowboys rule 4EVAR

  266. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    April 19, 2012 at 19:13

    New thread…

  267. Chris said,

    April 19, 2012 at 19:20

    The Norwegians are acting like adults, not frightened children who are ready to give up their rights and responsibilities as long as big daddy makes them feel safe, so that’s one for Norway…

    I wake up this morning to a facebook article from Baptist Seminary Dude mewling about the fact that the way Norway coddles Breivik is proof of a “post-Christian morality” infecting them. The fact that Norway wouldn’t need to coddle or do anything to Breivik if he hadn’t been saturated with the present-day version of the Protocols of Zion being pushed by conservative “Christian” outlets on both sides of the Atlantic is conveniently ignored. After all, terrorists can’t really be Christian!

  268. Older said,

    April 20, 2012 at 3:10

    Jesus is TIRED OF TRYING TO REASON WITH YOU PEOPLE.

    http://digg.com/news/offbeat/paul_krugman_is_tired_of_trying_to_reason_with_you_people

  269. Christopher said,

    April 20, 2012 at 11:19

    I wake up this morning to a facebook article from Baptist Seminary Dude mewling about the fact that the way Norway coddles Breivik is proof of a “post-Christian morality” infecting them.

    Huh, that’s weird. The only Christ I know of told his followers to love their enemies and turn the other cheek. He even healed the ear of a Centurian who had come to take him to his execution.

    This must be some other Christ.

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