ABOVE: Mark Judge
Shorter Mark Judge, The Daily Tucker
The End of My White Guilt
- Because I am absolutely certain that the unknown person who stole my bike must have been a blackity-black black Negro colored person, I no longer feel the need to worry about whether any black person has ever been subject to racism.
You may well imagine that I simply must be exaggerating when I post a shorter in which I assert that anybody, even a wingnut like Mark Judge who collects a salary from the loathsome Fucker Carlson, has written a diatribe against the entire black population of the United States based on the simple assumption, without proof, that the person who stole his bicycle was black. But I am not exaggerating. The bicycle thief that sent Judge into his fantasyland of white supremacist longings was not seen or caught. There was no evidence that the bicycle thief was black. No traces of blackity-blackness or scraps of allegedly iconic African-American cuisine were left on the sidewalk at the scene of the crime.
No, Judge simply assumed that the person was black because he knew that some Negroes lived nearby and because he was certain that white people never have stolen anything, much less bikes, anytime during the course of human history.
Worse, Judge is not content simply to fantasize about the skin color of the bicycle thief but instead uses this imaginary Negro to justify anything and everything that has ever been done to any Negro anywhere and at any time. After all, if one Negro, even a completely imaginary one, can boldly and blatantly steal his bicycle in broad daylight, well, then, they are all sneaky thieves who deserved enslavement.
The fun started when Judge went home to rant about the imaginary Negro bike thief to his friends
When I got home I vented to my friends. I told them I was going to scour those neighborhoods until I found the bike. In reply, a liberal friend gave me a lecture about profiling and told me to just forget about the bike. “That person needs our prayers and help,” she said. “They haven’t had the advantages we have.”
That’s when I lost it. I had been carefully educated by liberal parents that we are all, black and white, the same. My favorite movie growing up was “In the Heat of the Night.”
I have to say that this is the first time I’ve seen anyone use the “Some of my best films are Negro” defense to charges of racism. In the same vein, I suppose somebody could claim he’s not a misogynist because he loved watching “Golden Girls” when he was a kid.
In that moment, I had a change of consciousness. Why was I assuming that the kid who stole my bike was acting out of some terrible pain, as if he had been directly under the lash of Bull Connor? What if he has a car, a nice apartment, a hot girlfriend and good health? What if he is just a selfish asshole?
Now we’re not only pretending that the thief is a Negro, but he’s a rich Negro with health insurance in a big house who amuses himself in the spare time he’s not writing appellate briefs by stealing bicycles from people he imagines are white. This is, of course, much more likely than a white crack addict looking for money for a drug fix.
I decided that I’m just going to let go of my white guilt. We’re all human, we all experience pain in our lives. And black pain is no different from white pain.
I suppose it does hurt a white person just as much as a black person to be strung up from a tree limb, to be dragged to death behind a pick up truck, or to be baselessly accused of being criminal because of his skin color. And I suppose in the world of the Daily Caller where just as many white people were lynched by angry black mobs as vice-versa this argument makes sense. But what Judge is saying is even worse: getting his bicycle stolen is just as painful as getting lynched or beaten up or denied a job or falsely accused of a crime.
And that, kids, is likely the best example of false equivalence that we shall ever see in our lifetime.