And somehow this photoshop is less insulting than what he’s actually doing.
Deroy Murdock, Professional Cockbags Online*:
Minimum Wage: $100 Per Hour?
Wingnuts have discovered snark.
And much like a colony of lemurs discovering an insterstellar spacecraft, find themselves unable to do anything with it other than sniff it suspiciously and occasionally urinate upon it.
But one brave lemur has decided to climb into the cockpit and take a turn at the controls. After all, what’s the worst that could happen?
- Because I can imagine large numbers and have no understanding of how analogies work, people have no need to eat or procure shelter. Also, minimum wages are fascism
No, lemur! You’re tunneling into the center of the Earth! No, not that button! That’s the Positronic Overload Button, if you use that now, the entire planet will be…
Sigh, and Earth used to be such a nice planet to visit.
Now, you can rest easy trusting the Shorter or you can join us in the jungles of below the fold starting…
From coast to coast, politicians want to hike the minimum wage. New York State legislators aim to lift it from $7.25 to $8.50 per hour. California lawmakers are weighing a boost from $8.00 to $8.50.
Ralph Nader recently urged the Occupy movement to demand that the federal floor increase from $7.25 to $10.00.
The US living wage is $12.50, the California living wage for one single adult living alone is currently $10.72. Add in a child and that jumps to $19.67. Notice that’s for the state as a whole. Jump to one of the big cities and that figure jumps into the $12 dollar range.
Living wage would be the amount a person would need to earn per hour working a full-time 40 hours a week in order to afford the bare necessities in terms of food, shelter, utilities, transport to work, and enough bare recreation to avoid going crazy.
Note that doesn’t even really include so-called luxury items like health care (cause national health insurance is communism), taking care of partners, roommates, or friends who are victims of the economy, student loans, or fees on debt.
Note also that said living wage assumes a 40 hour work week, which no minimum wage paying job offers their employees because we made a national decision that part time means fuck you and die.
Diabolical countries like Sweden and Denmark with their crumbling infrastructure and hordes of zombies roaming the streets converting people to communism treat the living wage as the minimum amount any person can receive, even if they are not working, in order to help them survive and not drain the other resources in crime, health issues to malnutrition or exposure, and so on.
But luckily we know better and know that people are only at their most innovative when they are looking at their shrinking bank account and wondering who’s liver they are going to harvest and sell on the black market to pay the electricity bill this month.
On March 6, former governor Willard Mitt Romney (R., Mass.) told CNBC’s Larry Kudlow that “there’s probably not a need to raise the minimum wage.”
Sure, 15.1 % of Americans were living below the poverty line in 2010, but why would we need to raise the minimum wage? It’s not like I would be personally affected by that. My income is WAY above the minimum. It’s like you don’t even think before asking me these questions.
In January, however, Governor Etch a Sketch said he would “allow the minimum wage to rise with the CPI [Consumer Price Index] or with another index so that it adjusts automatically over time.”
Sir, whisper, whisper, whisper.
What? I’m running for what now. Oh, right, little people. Um, I guess I’d throw them a quail bone from my billion dollar yacht or something?
Tragically, these proposals don’t go far enough.
What America needs is the economic equivalent of a 24-hour energy drink. Why not a $100-an-hour minimum wage?
$100 an hour? Ho, what glaring snark! Because… it’s a lot of money per hour?
Yeah, nearly 25 million of the 150 million wage earners in this country, i.e. 1/6 of all employed people, make $100 in a week thanks to the current minimum wage.
There aren’t enough ways to say, go fuck yourself.
If every worker were legally guaranteed this amount, just imagine the possibilities:
People would no longer be regularly dying in the streets, malnourished and forgotten as the citizens who most benefited from our system live lives that would make the Roman Emperors blush and argue on behalf of the common man?
Oh, sorry, you were doing some sort of slippery slope bullshit, weren’t you? Carry on.
Assuming 52 weeks of labor at 40 hours each, every American would earn at least $208,000 annually.
Wow! That’s a lot of money! A ludicrous amount of money that would take care of not only basic necessities, but most desired luxury items and allow them a comfortable upper class existence wherein earned money would almost cease to matter in any real way or have any real impact on additional happiness…
And you’d still be making 100 times less than Mitt Romney did as an unemployed person.
Wow, what does it say when you picked the most ridiculous amount of money you could think of and all it does is make the income gap between rich and poor sickening rather than just obscene?
This sum would move the typical American from rank-and-file to rich.
Man, what were those mean liberals thinking proposing a minimum wage hike that high?
Today’s $40,584 average individual income would quintuple. Why? Because Washington said so.
And if they proposed that everyone got a free pony, then everyone would have to go scrounge up stable material and feeding cost. Why? Because Washington said so.
Is English your first language? Cause, that’s not how analogies work.
Rather than a nation in which the top 1 percent fears the rage of the 99 percent, Americans could live harmoniously as 100 percent of workers would occupy, at worst, the top 3 percent. Thus, Class War I would conclude peacefully after it had barely begun.
Um, yes, if you removed the income gap, then yes, people would stop complaining about the income gap.
See, cause that’s what all those meanie poopy heads causing those proud 1%ers to live in fear inside their gilded pleasure palaces guarded by the armies of third world nations have been whining about. That they are dying in the streets for sub-living wage incomes while the rich earn the GDP of a small European nation every year.
Even greater benefits would flow like honey, if not like pancake syrup.
Okay, now you’re just baiting me with the quality of your similes. How long until you’re just spouting off Train lyrics?
With at least $208,000 to spend annually, each worker could buy tons of luxury goods. Tiffany, Nordstrom, and Coach stores could stay open 24/7 as millions of Americans suddenly could afford their previously pricey products. Four Seasons hotels could fill every suite. And the airlines could add extra first-class seats, since traveling up front would become affordable for everyone with a paycheck.
Yes, the rich can buy luxury goods they don’t need and show off opulence to show off opulence rather than out of a pressing need.
This proves that poor people don’t need incomes because…?
This super-stimulus would propel America’s GDP to Himalayan heights. A $100-per-hour minimum wage would give America’s 133 million workers at least $27.7 trillion in combined buying power — every year!
And if they spent all that, it would return into the economy to pay wages, buy new stuff, and etcetera. That’s kinda how the economy is supposed to work.
Fuck, that insane idea would be better than what we have now where a tiny handful of hyper-competitive fucknozzles have been only spending money where they can hope to siphon even more out of the economy in order to prove that they have a bigger dick than the next person down on The Forbes 400.
Maybe if we had a maximum income in this country, then we wouldn’t have an economy the size of a blue whale getting its balls kicked in by a tiny confederation of peninsulas that make a sport out of inventing new unpronounceable vowels.
Of course, this figure will climb even higher as the hefty new wage inspires virtually everyone not currently working to flood the labor market.
Yeah, because having a higher minimum wage will totally increase the number of job openings in the country.
All those people filing over a hundred applications a year just weren’t theoretically making enough if they ever got the job to… get the job they don’t have now… is this the wingnut zen koan of douchery? Why won’t the poor lift themselves up by the bootstraps they cannot afford to own? What is the sound of one hand fapping?
With all the money that employers will make in increased sales, it will be a snap for them to hire America’s 12.8 million jobless people, at a minimum cost of some $2.7 trillion annually. At long last, this will end — not mend — unemployment.
Ironically, enough, paying people functional wages, much less ludicrous wages, probably would help end unemployment as people wouldn’t need to regularly work 3-5 jobs just to pay the bills and try and put a little aside for the inevitable “surplus to requirements” round of downsizing or medical emergency. Also we could actually see the return of the single-income-earner household because it would be possible to do that.
Oh, right, grr, employing people in my insane hypothetical would be really expensive, let’s let people starve and cut welfare again. Grr.
And consider the windfall for the government. The U.S. tax code establishes a 33 percent tax rate on everyone earning $208,000.
That’s a take home of $140,000 a year or enough to purchase a new home, cash down, every single fucking year.
Oh, yeah, this analogy totally reveals the perfidy of a long overdue $1.25 minimum wage hike in one state and the futility of the “class war”. No, my friends repeatedly trying to figure how to make $5 last a week in food have seen the errors of their ways at the obscenity of how the rich suffer in taxes now.
Even after deductions, this would translate into roughly $9 trillion in income-tax revenues every year. This Niagara Falls of cash could help Uncle Sam pay his bills. Bye-bye, national debt!
Um, not to be a party pooper, but was there a point to all this? I mean, you’ve presented a bunch of math about a completely insane hypothetical, but-
Now, some party-poopers might argue
Ah, yes! Hmm, let’s see, we’ll probably see something about how such wages would bankrupt the nation or some shit about “the hard-working small businessman” or maybe some slippery slope tomfoolery about “where will we end in these spiraling minimum wage costs”-
that the government has no right to tell employers how much to pay their employees.
Now, some party-poopers might argue that the government has no right to tell employers how much to pay their employees.
This is your big objection?
Not that “minimum wages” are too high, because eating is over-rated? That there’s such a thing as a minimum amount an employer can pay you for your hard work?
Yes, I imagine Bill E. Plantation Owner is very upset that the government has a right to tell employers how much to pay their employees.
Because that keeps the number from being zero.
Ya know? Like how it was for an unpleasantly large amount of people in 1800s America and for the 99% back in those wingnut paradise days of the Dark Ages?
I mean, maybe you didn’t think of that, what with not being black and… What was that? No, that couldn’t be tr-
Okay, I’ll scroll up and check.
Apparently he is black.
What the fucking hell is wrong with you? How can a black man, no matter how much he’s sold his soul to the wingnuts manage to put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard and write a sentence like that without having the racial history of his people try and remove him from existence?
Roll the next paragraph. There’s nothing more I could possibly say about that.
However, these naysayers forget that the minimum-wage law says nothing about how much employers can pay, just how little. Employers certainly could pay employees more than one hundred dollars per hour.
Is this what passes for a joke among upper-class assholes? Oh, don’t worry wanna-be slaveowners of America, you could always pay your employees more than the minimum wage! Ha, the notion is unthinkable on its very face. What wit Reginald! More than the minimum wage indeed!
Others may wonder where employers would find the money to comply with this modest proposal.
Yeah, no. You had the chance to do the hacktastic and disingenuous “where will we find the money for the ludicrous not at all analogous proposal” shtick and you decided to go with the “why can’t we return to the days of slavery aspect instead”.
Sorry, but no. You have officially lost the chance to pull this shtick. And in fact you should shut up now before you say something really-
This question is impertinent and perhaps a little bit racist.
You’re making a “racism” “joke” after using snark to argue for the end of a minimum wage and the return to slavery.
Man, if only I didn’t run out of “go fuck yourselves” back at the top of the post.
Far worse, it lacks imagination. After all, imagination settled the American West, whisked Americans to the Moon, and even invented Strawberry Daiquiri Jell-O. Where there’s a will, Americans find a way.
Amid such myopia, simply listen to George Bernard Shaw. As he famously put it: “You see things; and you say, ‘Why?’ But I dream things that never were; and I say, ‘Why not?’” With words like that, who needs a magic wand?
It’s like they’ve heard of humor and assumed it was a dessert topping, but insisted they knew how to make it.
A $10 or even $12 hourly minimum wage represents the kind of small-mindedness that subverts the American Experience. $100 an hour reflects the boldness that built these United States. And just imagine the beauty of a $1,000-an-hour minimum wage.
Come on, America. Think big. Think really, really big!
Yes, slightly below a living wage assuming full time employment is just as ludicrously large of a number as scary round numbers so let’s get rid of the minimum wage entirely…
Who would even come up with something this-
New York commentator Deroy Murdock is … a media fellow with the Hoover Institution
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. Forcing the minimum wage on conservatives atop my Soros Tower of Evil so you don’t have to is invented by me. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
*Otherwise known as National Review Online