Don’t Tell Me, We’re About to Go Over a Huge Waterfall. Yep. Sharp rocks on the Bottom? Most Likely. Bring it on.
The True Face of Satan according to every wingnut everywhere according to the long-standing and deeply held beliefs that the’ve had since about 11 o’clock last monday.
Tina Korbe, Assistant Malkin at Hot Air:
Georgetown co-ed*: Please pay for us to have sex … We’re going broke buying birth control**
So when we last left the intrepid Republicans on the contraception debate, they were busy trying to faceplant themselves so hard, their noses were perfectly flat.
Well, while I was off being
detained on rumors of Columbian drug running
dashing and intrepid in my regular job, the Right decided to double down on the fail train and go “missing track ahead? That’ll be no threat to Full Throttle!”
First they had their achingly bad “forum on contraception” completely made up of skeezy old uncles you’d expect to see in a police line-up of the local pedophiles. Then King Rushbo, Lord of the Drug Mountain decided to come up from snorting some coke of the ass of an 8-year old Guatemalan boy to try and steal Michelle Malkin and Andrew Breitbart’s shtick and decided to smear whatever poor unlucky bastard ended up trying to report the reality counter to the latest right-wing obsession in congress (and the organization of this is totally not at all harassment intended to prevent the other side from having adequate defense of their position on a national level, no no no).
Enter in Sandra Fluke, who pointed out the no shit in the debate that contraception, especially female contraception, can be a pretty weighty expense and burden on women. Lord Rushbo decides to dedicate his show to calling her a slut, gets blowback, and now all of Wingnuttia is fucked.
They need to defend their lord and master, distributor of the Talking Points, but the tiny vestigal organ in their brains dedicated to self-preservation keeps trying to tell them that the faster they abandon this whole contraception tangent, the better chance they have of being able to endure as Professional Women Haters going into the future. Sadly, for them, Wingnuttia just can’t help itself. The rocks call to them, they must jump.
But Cerberus, you cry. We know all this. The comment threads have been blowing up with conversation about this while you’ve been off
having your colon searched for drugs being devastatingly beautiful and clever.
Yes, of course, but… hmmm… uh… look over there a distraction!
Crap, you’re still here. Okay, fine, yeah, I’m a little late to the party. For those of you who’d like to skip it, please go to the bottom, where we’ll have a free additional bonus shorter.
For the rest, let’s dig in.
At a hearing of the House Democratic Steering and Policy Committee yesterday, a single witness — Georgetown law student and “reproductive rights activist” Sandra Fluke — told sympathetic policy-makers that the administration’s so-called contraception mandate should stand … because her peers are going broke buying birth control.
“Forty percent of the female students at Georgetown Law reported to us that they struggled financially as a result of this policy (Georgetown student insurance not covering contraception),” Fluke reported.
It costs a female student $3,000 to have protected sex over the course of her three-year stint in law school, according to her calculations.
“Without insurance coverage, contraception, as you know, can cost a woman over $3,000 during law school,” Fluke told the hearing.
Which is proposterous, wha ha ho ho, for I, upon this giant hoard of money have never had want for contraceptives when I needed it. All I did was have one of my slave butlers or maids walk on all fours to wherever they go and bring me back all I need. And besides how much contraception do you really need when you already have the wet suit and two dildos?
Craig Bannister at CNSNews.com did the math
Yeah… about that math…
Craig Bannister, CNS News (for when the 700 club is too staffed with liberal faggots for your tastes):
Sex-Crazed Co-Eds Going Broke Buying Birth Control, Student Tells Pelosi Hearing Touting Freebie Mandate***
$3,000 for birth control in three years? That’s a thousand dollars a year of sex – and, she wants us to pay for it.
Yes, us. Where do you think the insurance companies forced to cover this cost get the money to pay for these co-eds to have sex? It comes from the health care insurance premiums you and I pay.
Yes of course, Craig dahling, you personally are responsible for the compensation packages every employee everywhere earns as part of their health insurance. Only wingnut dollars matter, doncha know? So, only wingnuts can complain about “their money” going to things they don’t like, like women being allowed to go outside without male guardians, and the existence of black people, whereas liberals aren’t allowed to complain about their “so-called” money in the system going to things like endless war, free giveaways to conservative bullshit organizations, and massive subsidies of conservative states, districts, and people failed by conservative ideology.
Well, who am I to get in the way of a successful bullshit flinging strategy? Pray, continue!
“For a lot of students, like me, who are on public interest scholarships, that’s practically an entire summer’s salary,” she complains.
So, they can earn enough money in just one summer to pay for three full years of sex.
Luckily women, being inorganic lifeforms operating only on the tears of men forcibly cuckolded by the watching of bad chick movies, have no need for ordinary human concerns like food, shelter, running water, etc… during those summer months when, you know, they aren’t receiving salary because they aren’t in school and thus this is their only money for surviving those months.
And protip, Mr. “Mathematician”, $3,000 dollars in a 3 month summer is about equivalent to a $12,000 annual salary. Sure, there are many, many young people doing worse thanks to your conservative economic policies over the last 30 years, but it’s not like she and her ilk are living high off the hog on the public dime. Also, you’re once again claiming ownership of the money someone earned by their own degrading dehumanizing sweat in dead-end temporary jobs as your own.
Do you also go into banks and claim that all the money in their vault is yours because you also have a checking account?
And, yes, they are full years – since that could translate into having sex nearly three times a day for three years straight, apparently.
How do you even figure? Female birth control pills and contraceptions aren’t taken by use, but rather by month. They cost the same whether you are getting railed in an endless train or you spend your days hugging a moe body pillow and weeping.
I mean, the fact that your “math” produced the figure of every single college girl having sex three times a day, should have been the first clue that your calculations were off unless…
Craig, honey, sweetie, I know the internet is full of many strange and wonderful things, but everything on it isn’t real. Those “real life sluts, horny and waiting for you” are just actresses paid by companies to film basic scenes for people to use as fantasy to masturbate to. They aren’t real. Real young women aren’t like them.
I know, honey, it is disappointing. Now, when you get a little older, we’ll break the truth to you about Santa Claus and market forces.
At a dollar a condom if she shops at CVS pharmacy’s website, that $3,000 would buy her 3,000 condoms – or, 1,000 a year.
And everyone knows that the cheapest possible condoms, made with only the finest attention to detail that only second-hand rubber pushed through a rushed automation process in the third world can bring, are a girl’s best defense against unwanted pregnancies.
Not to mention that relying entirely on the good nature of her male partner for every penetrative sex session and only him for contraceptive needs, wouldn’t at all induce paranoia into sex sessions and be hard to handle if he decided to start bitching about how “wearing the condom makes him feel less” or “c’mon baby, i wanna feel you”.
And thankfully, everyone knows that there is no such thing as rape and thus a woman has no need for any protection against unplanned and unwanted penetrations. Especially since morning after-pills are so cheap and readily available to all college aged women. Especially since our culture is so sex-positive and never shames a woman who tries and take control of her own contraceptive or who seeks out immediate medical aid post-sex. Why said women are never publicly shamed as sluts by obsessed women-hating prudes who can only get a stiffie if women everywhere fear to ever have a sex life not personally approved by said dickwads.
And let’s not also forget that said condoms are so wonderfully reliable and best used as a single-line of defense, with no backup in case of failures. Why, things never end up leaking, breaking, or otherwise failing during sex. That certainly didn’t happen to my best friend, forcing me to send him a couple of hundred dollars so his partner could afford an abortion that wouldn’t at all have been needed if she could have been able to afford to keep taking her birth control pills reliably and they weren’t forced to use the cheapest possible condoms from CVS.
Luckily we don’t live in the horrifying, frightening world it would be if any of that was true. Damn, I bet in that world, the pill would run someone like $1,000 dollars a year or something else ludicrous like that!
(By the way, why does CVS.com list the weight of its condom products in terms of pounds?)
Gosh, why would an online store list the weight of its products? Thanks to the advent of teleportation technology, weight has ceased to matter in the calculation of shipping costs incurred what with CVS.com being an online store and whatnot.
So yeah, my guess would have to be that they are either an archaic throwback to the time when online retailers had to use trucks and delivery personnel to deliver their goods. Either that, or the far more likely option that they are simply trying to make it easier for their clientele to more easily be able to calculate how many gallons of sperm they down when they drink the contents of their used condoms like the cum-hungry sluts they are. This also makes it easy to report how much this translates into drained life force of conservative men everywhere for payment by Soros Bucks and the Grand Liberal Conspiracy to allow college-aged women to have a sexuality beyond what is dictated by 1000 year old male pedophiles.
Assuming it’s not a leap year, that’s 1,000 divided by 365 – or having sex 2.74 times a day, every day, for three straight years. And, I thought Georgetown was a Catholic university where women might be prone to shun casual, unmarried sex.
Well, maybe then, the Catholic Church should work more on actually getting their own fucking followers to follow their precepts rather than trying to use their positions as employers and taxpayers to try and strong-arm everyone everywhere into having sex in the same misery-inducing slow-suicide way as “good” Catholics.
Besides, maybe, these female law students could cut back on some other expenses to make room for more birth control in their budgets, instead of making us pick up the tab. With classes and studying and all that sex, who’s got time for cable?
And, let’s not forget about these deadbeat boyfriends (or random hook-ups?) who are having sex 2.74 times a day. If Fluke’s going to ask the government to force anyone to foot the bill for her friends’ birth control, shouldn’t it be these guys?
Just like there is no sex without penis, there is no contraception without the condom. The condom is the beginning and end of contraception, just like the penis is the beginning and end of sex.
And while it’s true that you and your rent boy can do just fine relying on condoms and shared costs, it gets a bit trickier for the heterosexual market.
But enough of this crazy person, let’s go back to the crazy person with tits… no, the one who also has a vagina, not just man-tits… there we go:
Returning to Tina Korbe, Hot Air
— and discovered that these co-eds, assuming they’re using the cheapest possible contraception, must be having sex about three times a day every day to incur that kind of expense. What Fluke is arguing, then, is that her fellow law students have a right to consequence-free sex whenever, wherever.
I know! Right? That dirty slut thinks that people should be able to have sex, that is a natural biological urge in humans, whenever they want with whoever they want consensually. And they should be able to do so at a rate of their choosing, rather than at a rate the pedophiles and sex offenders in charge of a local religion they don’t belong to think they should. And that they should be able to do that without being punished as the dirty evil sluts they are! Even those nasty evil ones who think that being part of a so-called “long-term monogamous relationship” or so-called “marriage” protects them from being sluts. We’re on to you, cockmongers! If you didn’t want to be punished for giving in to your sin urges, you should have just become dykes instead of heterosexuals engaging in penetrative sex, as God intended!
Wait, part of that, doesn’t quite sound right.
Why, exactly, especially if it costs other people something?
Seriously, I’m giving it about a week before wingnuts start arguing that salaries are illegal theft by entitled so-called “workers” from their glorious and beneficial employers.
When I can’t pay for something, I do without it. Fortunately, in the case of contraception, women can make lifestyle choices that render it unnecessary.
I’m not getting any, so you’re not allowed to get any either. People should just do without sex if they can’t afford it (or decide fuck it and just cut out the PIV entirely and up cunnilingus, anal, fingering, etc… instead). Sex is only a privilege for our Galtian overlords who will select those of us allowed to engage in it according to their whims, no one elses.
And let’s also forget those women who kinda, sorta, need The Pill to sort of counteract legitimate medical problems.
But really that is just a distraction from the fact that these people are literally arguing that people shouldn’t be allowed to get laid, anywhere, unless they are as well. That because they are going through a dry spell caused by their horrible personality and complete hostility to potential romantic partners, the rest of us must also remain at home flicking the little man in the boat and feeling miserable.
You know, we make fun of emo teenagers for universalizing their personal ennui with regards to relationships, but I don’t think even they at their worst argue that no one anywhere should be allowed to fuck unless Suzy takes them to the dance.
At one point, Fluke mentions a friend who felt “embarrassed and powerless” when she learned her insurance didn’t cover contraception. Can you imagine how proud and empowered that same friend would be if she learned she has the ability to resist her own sexual urges?
Yeah! Once she has mastered repression of her self even when she was in a long-term monogamous relationship or marriage (and we all know that men love nothing more than being told that they will never get to have sex again), she will be as healthy as the repressed heads of the Catholic Ch-
Ooh, ah, well, as sexually healthy as proud moral stalwarts like Ted Ha-
Er, how about as healthy as our good friend posting here at Hot Air, who is living such a free and happy life without sex she is… writing a whiny ranting post on how everyone should do without sex until she can find a boyfriend not turned off by her horns and complete hatred for anyone who dares have sex without her personal approval.
Also, yeah, I think you might be at least 50 years late to the fight on the grounds of “no one is allowed to have sex anymore”. I mean you got away with preaching “the fags can just live in the closet for the rest of their lives” because you know, middle America needed help clamping down their latent bisexuality and denying themselves, but now…?
I mean, sure, America does hate it some women something fierce, but Dude Nation also kinda wants to get laid as well and not have to worry if that’s going to be a roller-coaster ride of terror, counting, and continual arguments. And the fact that you are arguing that every single woman who puts out for a man is a slut who should be barred from sex is starting to clue in even the dimmest Jersey Shore member that the conservatives seem to be cutting off all non-self-serve options for getting their balls drained.
No, you’re sure you want to jump off that cliff? Okay, fine, I’ll just notify your next of kin.
Some little part of Fluke must recognize that it’s not … because she sought to bolster her argument with an example of an illness in which contraception might be a medically necessary treatment. Another friend of hers, she said, has polycystic ovarian syndrome, for which contraception is a common treatment. Some insurance programs that don’t cover contraception normally would nevertheless cover it as a treatment for PCOS — but other insurance programs wouldn’t. Fluke makes it sound like contraception is the only treatment for PCOS. In fact, it isn’t — and contraception is prescribed as a treatment only when the woman also wants to contracept. Fluke says her friend is a lesbian — and so wouldn’t need contraception. Why didn’t she opt for any of the other treatments, then?
Cause they don’t work as well, because they are more expensive, because they have side-effect lists that make one’s balls volunteer for gender reassignment surgery?
Also the fact that insurance companies like to play “maybe, maybe not” with various treatments including ones as common and simple as contraception coverage for PCOS is a strong argument for a truly universal health care system.
Hey, which party was it that was arguing strongly against that, calling it socialism and what not?
Ms. Fluke, I resent that you think women are incapable of controlling themselves, of sacrificing temporary pleasure for the sake of long-term success. You make us sound like animals, slaves to our instincts and able to be used, but we’re better than that. We’re persons, equal to men in dignity and love.
Yes, equal to men, so they are allowed their condoms.
Why they get to have them cheap and plentiful at the drug store so you can hide them under a pack of smokes or packet of chips when you are buying them from the bored and under-paid clerk. While you get to never have sex again. Well, certainly no penetrative sex… ever. Cause you know, you don’t stop needing contraception when you get married. Sure, you can do other stuff, like suck his dick while you make him a sandwich, so that at least his needs are still being met, and you get to engage in the exciting night time ritual of fending off his advances and coming up with ever more byzantine methods to prevent him from “sneaking in in the middle of the night”, which should keep your tiny lady brain to busy to even think about your base sexual needs.
I mean, you really should have thought of this before you chose to be straight. I mean, the dykes are having hella large amounts of sex. Like so-loud you can hear it through the walls sex. But you can listen from afar as you enjoy your Republican-demanded sexless marriage.
I mean, sure, you could just do other sex acts, or just decide to say fuck you to arbitrary sexual restrictions and fight tooth and nail against our anti-sex jihad.
But that would make Baby Jesus cry and maybe if you Catholic Bitches cared more about that, we wouldn’t have had to punish the rest of you as well.
Shorter Charles C.W. Cooke, National Review:
My Contraceptive Haul
- My ability as a wealthy man living in a metropolitan, liberal city to easily acquire free male contraception from LGBT and Women’s Health Centers, means those lying sluts must be lying about how expensive/difficult it is to acquire female contraception. Please do not let the fact that we are trying to actively eliminate these services at all diminish our argument.
Oh you think I’m kidding?
And the more tech savvy — or, perhaps, desperately mobile — can download the free “NYC Condom” app to their Windows, iPhone, BlackBerry, or Android smartphones and have its GPS service direct them to the nearest provider of free contraception with devastating accuracy. Never has a society been so precisely and easily led to safe sex.
Always Trust the Shorter****.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. Using nearly 4000 words and three sources to rant about a nearly week-old topic is invented by me. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
*Seriously? Co-ed? Is there anyone alive who still calls women who attend college co-eds? Well, for someone who apparently still thinks the presence of women on college is somehow note-worthy, I’m sure the notion they have sex was enough to break their brains. But, good sir, surely women are kept in small, uncomfortable, and cloyingly perfumed boxes from the time of their unfortunate conception to breeding age, where they are sent to our officers at the Stepford Men’s Center? NO!?! Oh how society’s standards have fallen!
**It is staggeringly amazing how wingnuts have managed to claim personal credit for every monetary transaction everywhere, including taxes, salaries, and now even basic compensation packages given to students and employees as incentives for working for Company A instead of additional money. And they do this despite trying their damndest to give as little as possible to anyone who isn’t their own damn selves. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before they start claiming you can’t use the money you made selling drugs to buy condoms, because they were responsible for that too. To be fair, at that point, they might actually have their first real point.
***If this title was any more packed with wingnuttery, I’d have to have it put down before it gave any of the other right-wing post titles rabies.
**** For those of you who say Cerberus, you
sonuvabitch erotic firestarter, you never post any shorters for us to trust, may I just say, MUA HA HA HA HA HA!