The line between public official and that creepy guy who insists on sitting next to you on the bus is getting a little too thin for my tastes.
Rep. Bob Morris, Indiana House of Representatives:
Girl Scouts Have “Radical Policies”
The Girl Scouts have long vexed the wingnuts of the world. Not just because the Scouts are a group of young girls who are trained to do something other than wash dishes and suck preacher cock. But also because they have proven to be far less corruptible than their male counterparts.
While they had no difficulty taking over the Boy Scouts and turning it into a religiously organization more interested in using children as a cover for attacks against non-discrimination laws than in instilling any kind of environmental, intellectual, and social curiosity in young boys, the Girl Scouts have proven more hardy.
And as Girl Scouts enter into their Centennial, there has been an explosion of the certifiable steaming at the years of the uppitiness of these young women selling cookies without being properly on their knees.
Cause we’re rebels like that.
This past week I was asked to sign a House Resolution recognizing the 100th Anniversary of Girl Scouts of America.
And at the first mention of girl or female, I knew this meaningless and symbolic fluff legislation was created by demons and that I needed to put all my important duties on hold to fume and masturbate on the internet.
After talking to some well-informed constituents, I did a small amount of web-based research, and what I found is disturbing.
You thought I was kidding, didn’t you?
He really did go out of his way when some fluff formality was passed his way despite working in a state hit particularly hard by Great Depression II: Electric Boogaloo. But it’s not because the very notion of girls and women allowed outside their cages incenses him to his very core. Oh, no!
It’s merely because of that nasty abortion that slutty evil girls get up to.
The Girl Scouts of America and their worldwide partner, World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts (WAGGGS), have entered into a close strategic affiliation with Planned Parenthood.
Yeah, they didn’t really have a problem with the Girl Scouts on their own merits, but they are aligned with an organization that provides a legal medical procedure as one of a couple of hundred services provided and thus their taint spreads like goatse to envelop anything associated with it.
And conveniently this covers every other organization involving women allowing a one stop reason to be upset with every women’s organization known to man. But it’s not because of hatred of women, it’s because they just care so much about BABIEZ!
You will not find evidence of this on the GSA/WAGGGS website—in fact, the websites of these two organizations explicitly deny funding Planned Parenthood.
You don’t say?!? Lesser men would investigate a link and find absolutely zero proof of it and assume that there was no such connection, but Rep. Bob Morris is NO LESSER MAN! Like all proud wingnuts, when he sees absolutely no real world evidence of his insane bullshit, he knows that he has stumbled on the greatest evidence of ALL, the proof of conspiracy!
Now, you might also think this convenient, that whenever reality contradicts a wingnut, it’s proof of conspiracy, but that’s just proof that YOU’RE IN ON THE CONSPIRACY! We’re on to you Comrade Evilkins McStalinstache!
Nonetheless, abundant evidence proves that the agenda of Planned Parenthood includes sexualizing young girls through the Girl Scouts, which is quickly becoming a tactical arm of Planned Parenthood. Planned Parenthood instructional series and pamphlets are part of the core curriculum at GSA training seminars.
So for a laugh, I decided to venture to the ass end of the internet to see what “proof” our illustrious wingnuts could manage for this new truism (and boy howdy is it a truism on the Right). I’ll save you the long ass deconstruction and hand you the shorter:
- OMG! Girl Scouts are sometimes at the same thousand organization events as Planned Parenthood and worse! some Girl Scout supporters also support Planned Parenthood! SCANDAL!
Yeah, the link is that it turns out that people who support young girls being full human beings who deserve an organization to empower them also have turned out to support full actual grown women being full human beings who deserve actual legal health care.
I suppose to an ideology that is nothing but purging the unclean from their ranks, this would seem like something actually damning, but to the rest of the world, it looks like there’s about as little connection between the two as there is to me and Obama’s secret muslin orgies (WHY WON’T YOU CALL?!?).
Denver Auxiliary Bishop James D. Conley of Denver last year warned parents that “membership in the Girl Scouts could carry the danger of making their daughters more receptive to the pro-abortion agenda.”
Indeed! First they acknowledge they are female by their involvement with the Wiccan cult “Girl Scouts”, then they grow up into evolving bodies by the wizard’s spell known as Pub Erty, then they start to realize that pregnancy is something that can happen to them and occur inside of them, rather than happening in a white void far away from “real people”.
Next up they are burning their bras and saying women are actual human beings who deserve rights and refusing to marry daddy’s “little friend” who he thinks would make a great husband for his “little girl”. And do you see what you have wrought Girl Scouts! If only we had known to deny them any knowledge that they were women, this would never have happened. If only we listened to the man from the pedophile organization when we had the chance!
A Girl Scouts of America training program last year used the Planned Parenthood sex education pamphlet “Happy, Healthy, and Hot.”
Used. Found on the floor in the same ginormous conference that Girl Scouts and Planned Parenthood had token presences at and originating from neither’s tables. Same difference.
The pamphlet instructs young girls not to think of sex as “just about vaginal or anal intercourse.” “There is no right or wrong way to have sex. Just have fun, explore and be yourself!” it states.
Well, besides this pamphlet not actually containing any actual false information and wouldn’t actually be out of place as information given by organizations such as Girl Scouts to older members to decrease a lot of the suffering that is unnecessarily added to female puberty experiences, we still need to fixate on the bit where it never happened.
Shame, because I’d like to live in a world where sex-denialists weren’t making it so every single organization on the planet was terrified to do meaningful sex education to teens and pre-teens to try and mitigate the mistakes most young’uns make learning it on their own usually with the usual rigorous information quality one gets doing the “small amount of web-based research” they end up having to do to get any meaningful sex education at all.
Although individual Girl Scout troops are not forced to follow this curriculum, many do.
Oh right, wingnut ranting about Girl Scouts. I couldn’t find the origin of this one, so it’s all on him. Apparently the first mention of “Girls” and “sex” have transported Bob Morris’s mind permanently to his collection of taped Girls Gone Wild commercials he reviews every night for “research”.
Liberal progressive troop-leaders will indoctrinate the girls in their troop according to the principles of Planned Parenthood, making Bishop Conley’s warning true.
Assertion origin? His ass, certified Professor of Made Up Statistics, current Department chair at Liberty University.
Many parents are abandoning the Girl Scouts because they promote homosexual lifestyles.
Well, that was abrupt! We were all taking about how you only had a problem with yet another thing having to do with girls and women again only because you hate abortion and only abortion so darn much, and then you suddenly went off here.
Sir, did the talk about sex get to you? Sir, why is your face all red? Sir, I’m only going to ask this once, but…where is your other hand?
In fact, the Girl Scouts education seminar girls are directed to study the example of role models.
Those bitches! They are daring to force OUR CHILDREN to study female role models to look up to! Allowing them to have dreams and hopes of a full and important life before they are shoved back into their gilded cage?!? Does the perfidy of this vile organization know no bounds?!?
Of the fifty role models listed, only three have a briefly-mentioned religious background
Why, it’s almost like most organized religions have some sort of bigotry or bias against women and do not allow them to often achieve high acclaim, recognition, or achievement in their organizations and have in fact been found to openly jeer and attempt to tear down accomplished females for daring to think they are worth as much as a man.
And how many of the 50 role models were in fact religious, but their religions just weren’t crucial enough to make it on a paragraph or two summary of their entire lives?
Whoops, no time to answer that, we’re too busy claiming that any time religion isn’t given a public blowjob, it’s actively being kicked in the nuts!
– all the rest are feminists, lesbians, or Communists.
Yeah, funny thing about actively working against female empowerment and labeling all who do feminists, lesbians, and communists. Turns out, you end up ceding all the heroes to the other side when your side loses the culture battle like the chumps you are.
Want some female role models for conservatism? You’ll have to actually allow a woman to succeed and be praise-worthy and do something that inspires young women to achieve, and yeah, no, Sarah Palin so doesn’t count.
World Net Daily, in a May 2009 article, states that Girl Scout Troops are no longer allowed to pray or sing traditional Christmas Carols.
Well, if Wing Nut Daily says it’s true, it must be collected from only the finest collected delusions of white supremacists and “I heard from a guy at a bar once” losers.
And if that isn’t the same as true, then I’ll eat my hat (carefully check to make sure I own no hats). Yes, definitely, eat my hat.
Boys who decide to claim a “transgender” or cross-dressing life-style are permitted to become a member of a Girl Scout troop, performing crafts with the girls and participate in overnight and camping activities – just like any real girl.
Every time I read a sentence like this, my rage ulcer gets a pair of wings.
Oh yes, where would we be, dear readers, in the lawless anarchy where people who identify as girls can join the Girl Scouts. Don’t people know that penises are actually sentient demons that detach themselves from the bodies they inhabit every night to impregnate women and whisper in their ear how enjoyable it will be for them to have their uterus scraped out of the tiny homunculus full grown babies thus turning them into just another group of abortion addicts?!?
I know it’s true. I looked it up on the wikipedia page for penis and didn’t see it, thus proving the CONSPIRACY is larger than even I had thought!
The fact that the Honorary President of Girl Scouts of America is Michelle Obama
Uh uh uh. Her full name is Michelle Obama McHitler Mussolinipants. And you were doing so well on accuracy up to now!
and the Obama’s are radically pro-abortion and vigorously support the agenda of Planned Parenthood
Man, would I love to live in their fantasy world. It sounds AWESOME!
, should give each of us reason to pause before our individual or collective endorsement of the organization.
Yeah! We shouldn’t just stop supporting Girl Scouts because of a weak connection to our boogeyman codeword for “thinks females are peoples”, we should also stop supporting them because they are tainted by black black blackity black Obamas, who have replaced Lucifer as the prime evil in our mythologies.
Wait…if the Girl Scouts are tainted by Michelle Obama’s honorary title, then that means Saint Nancy Reagan had the same title. Then that means she was tainted as well. Which means Saint Ronald when he placed his holy scepter within her…
Oh my Bob, they got Saint Reagan as well! Those commie bastards! Is no one safe from the Thin Mints Conspiracy?
As members of the Indiana House of Representatives, we must be wise before we use the credibility and respect of the “Peoples’ House” to extend legitimacy to a radicalized organization.
Yeah, we should only support safe and totally not radicalized organizations like the Boy Scouts or the Hitler Youth instead of dangerous subversives like the Girl Scouts or the PTA (damn union commies).
The Girl Scouts of America stand in a strong tradition that reflects with fidelity the traditional values of our homes and our families. The tradition extends from coast-to-coast and back through the past one hundred years.
You know at this time, the one staff member with an ounce of sense glanced over his shoulder at what Bobby was writing and saw that his boss was about to argue that the fucking Girl Scouts was too commie for the conservative purity test and tried to intervene to save his own job.
“Sir, I can’t stress how out of touch you’ll appear to your constituents!”
“Nonsense, Timmy, I’ll throw in some blather about tradition. The people need to know what those little sluts have been getting up to. Only the Timecube guy dares to speak the truth!”
That said, I challenge each of you to examine these matters more closely before you extend your name and your reputation to endorse a group that has been subverted in the name of liberal progressive politics and the destruction of traditional American family values.
But try not to read any of the “reality-based” stuff, cause then you might end up realizing how much of an idiot I am. Actually, just take my word for it and keep sending me money and election victories so I can keep you appraised of the ever-growing list of boogeymen you need to hide under your bed from.
Also don’t eat Tagalongs, they make you queer.
I have two daughters who have been active in the Girl Scouts of Limberlost Council in Northeastern Indiana.
I would often watch them and their little friends at their “Jamborees” through a hole I crafted in the wall to keep my eye out for signs of vile lesbianism and impromptu abortions, but hadn’t noticed anything untowards. They did keep glancing my direction with a fearful look in my eye and refuse to come back. Now I realize that was because they were being indoctrinated by Commie Islamofascist sex education pamphlets that made them the sluts they were. Dirty sluts who need to be punished. Why won’t anyone else see the truth?
Now that I am aware of the influence of Planned Parenthood within GSA and other surprisingly radical policies of GSA, my two daughters will instead become active in American Heritage Girls Little Flowers organization.
Oh Billy Bob Gringo, what did your daughters ever do to you to deserve that shit?
In this traditional group they will learn about values and principles that will not confuse their conservative Hoosier upbringing.
What a careful phrasing…
Yes, nothing will confuse how they were brought up. They will encounter no one of different economic, racial, sexual, gender identity, or other backgrounds, will be challenged in no way, offered no opportunity or dream beyond that which their father has chosen for them. And so will never become “confused” about the world outside, never knowing that there are other options than supporting daddy’s home movies or the early release of the grave.
And when they achieve adulthood and flee into the night, never calling home, recounting what happened only to their therapists and their loving wives, Bob Morris will know it wasn’t his fault. He just wasn’t strong enough against the Rainbow Squirts and the Conspiracy. But one day he’ll get to the bottom of it, everyone will see. One day, they’ll know the Rage of the Milkman!
I have been told that, as of today, I am the only member not supporting the Girl Scout Resolution.
When you are too crazy for Indiana, it just might be time to look into moving to South Carolina.
I challenge each of you to examine these matters and to decide carefully whether or not to sign the resolution.
Seeing as how this was created a number of days ago, I think we can safely say now that Bob Morris wasn’t quite ready for people to carefully examine these matters.
Wing Nut Daily! How could you have steered such an honest and not at all creepy fuck with pedophile eyes wrong?