Shorter Jeannie DeAngelis, Ruhnoomurka:
Nancy Pelosi: Vicar of Contraception
- Non-Catholics should do as the Catholic church says, not as it does.
After noting with approval the Catholic church’s approved method of birth control (“Ladies, keep your legs together when you’re fertile!”), Jeannie then calls all other forms of birth control feticide, apparently heartlessly unconcerned with those poor unfertilized eggs (potential babies all!) that wither in the womb while Mommie murderously keeps her womb closed for business — not to mention her equal lack of concern for the poor spermatoza (potential babies all!) that get washed down the shower drain or sopped up with tissue and flushed down the toilet during this chaste interlude. But this is just old stuff and standard crazy for the Life-Begins-at-Conception-and Ends-at-Birth crowd.
But there is no cause for concern. The reason that we read Jeannie again and again is that she can take the old tired-and-true crazy and whip it up into a confection of jaw-dropping lunacy the same way a skilled chef can turn a hunk of chocolate and stick of butter into an orgasmic truffle. Let’s watch Jeannie at work:
Justifying the federal government’s diktat on contraception and abortion, Pelosi, mother of five and a Catholic herself, has concluded that the church has no right to balk because thus far, when it comes to reproductive matters the Catholic church has not policed parishioners properly.
You’d think that this “diktat” (You know who else liked to speak German?)was forcing woman to have abortions and men to wear condoms rather than just requiring insurers to pay for birth control pills. But her clever reference to the German word used to condemn the Treaty of Versailles is just a distraction from the perfectly reasonable question: why, indeed, should the a bunch of priests and bishops be cramming their views of contraception, no doubt views influenced by the fact that choirboys are unable to become pregnant, down the throats of non-Catholics when they can’t even get their own Catholic parishioners to forswear the pill even after shouting threats of hellfire, eternal damnation, and excommunication from the pulpit for, oh, the last 40 years?
Are you as excited about how Jeannie is going to answer this as I am?
Does the House Minority Leader … believe that the Catholic Church has a method to “enforce” upon those in the pew who can and cannot use contraception?
Er, I think they call it excommunication and the burning fiery pits of hell, but I could be wrong.
How, pray tell, can parish priests keep the 31.3% of women who get abortions from destroying their children?
Should Father So-and-So spend all day stalking abortion clinics . . .
But, wait, who then are those old guys in clerical drag hanging out all day at the Planned Parenthood clinics? Imposters? Halloween revelers who forgot to take off their costumes several months ago?
and monitoring pharmacies to see who is filling prescriptions for birth control- and morning-after pills?
Well, it would be a better use of their time than curating their child porn collections on parish computers or chasing little Kevin around the sacristy. But, frankly, yes, if these parish mullahs are all torn up about rampant condom and pill use (it’s murder isn’t it?) then they should pull themselves away from watching Taylor Lautner marathons on Blu-ray in the rectory long enough to assure that their own flock isn’t engaged in non-procreative fucking. Yes, they should hang out at pharmacies and examine their parishioner’s prescriptions. If they want to see if I’ve got a condom in my wallet they better damn well start by checking the wallets of all the people that purport to believe in the stuff that the Roman Catholic church is peddling before they start rummaging around in mine.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™