How can I turn my most embarrassing life story into my defining character trait? By endlessly bitching about how these young flappers insist on the condamns and the vidjeo games, that’s how!
Ross Douchehat, The New York Fucking Times:
The ‘Safe, Legal, Rare’ Illusion
Oh Douchehat, as much as we try and pull away from your Chunky-Reese-Witherspoon fearing thought abortions, you keep pulling us back in with your attempts to make right-wing pablum and Vatican marching orders sound like actual coherent thoughts.
So this week’s column is about, what else? Abortion. There seems to be a certain type of guy who just can’t seem to get it up unless the woman is terrified they might get pregnant and as Douchehat has already written an entire post on that subject, he has turned his canny awareness of the fairer sex to the latest right-wing obsession.
That is how unfair it is that the attempts by the professional anti-woman league to branch out from “just being against the medical procedure of abortions (but only for those slutty women, you know who we are talking about) because of quote-unquote ‘teh babeez’” to being against all forms of contraception or non-conceiving copulation like the anti-sex psychotics they have always been have been mildly rebuked by the public at large.
It’s almost like it’s difficult to exploit people’s emotional connection to potential when you literally are trying to argue that every sperm is sacred. Who knew?
But still, Douchehat wouldn’t be as sad as he is if he didn’t still try and slam his head against the locked and barred uteruses of the world.
AMID the sound and fury of the latest culture-war battles — first over breast cancer dollars and Planned Parenthood, and then over the White House’s attempt to require that religious employers cover contraception and potential abortifacients — it’s easy to forget that there is at least some common ground in American politics on sex, pregnancy, marriage and abortion.
I fully believe, to the depth of my soul, that both sides agree that there are such things as sex, pregnancy, marriage, and abortion… for now.
But give the right-wing another week and I’m sure even this pretense at common ground will be demolished to make way for the runaway crazy train.
Even the most pro-choice politicians, for instance, usually emphasize that they want to reduce the need for abortion, and make the practice rare as well as safe and legal.
Hah! Yeah, the moderate compromise position is indeed the “extreme pro-choice position”.
But yeah, we’ll concede that it’d be great for abortion to be “safe, legal, and rare”. In the same way that it’d be great for cardiovascular surgery to be “safe, legal, and rare” or for thoracentesis to be “safe, legal, and rare”.
Because we want to live in a world where we can prevent invasive surgeries as best we can through as much preventative medicine as we can preform.
Doesn’t mean we don’t still recognize there’ll be a need to drain the fluid from someone’s lungs and want such a service to still be there when its needed.
Of course, luckily we live in a world where just letting people turn their lungs into a swimming pool wasn’t treated as a “serious alternative” because some misogynist busybodies have a “deep and abiding faith” that doesn’t at all appear in their moral texts and seems to have been invented in the last 60 years.
But hey, I’m sure, if we could spin that as related to lady-bits, we could have a “moral lung” movement within the half-hour ranting about how those sluts shouldn’t have lived in neighborhoods with poor air quality or carcinogens.
Even the fiercest conservative critics of the White House’s contraception mandate — yes, Rick Santorum included — agree that artificial birth control should be legal and available.
Oh, well, thank you for that brave concession, Sir Douchehat. Truly the religious right is the most generous institution ever known, what with not yet openly attacking an issue that was settled at least 80 years ago.
Of course, I’d have to assume by “fiercest” you only mean those conservatives who are actively out as stereotypical TV homosexuals, because out here in the real world, there have been a plethora of pundits actually arguing against the notion that contraception should be legal and easily available and have been in fact shocked that random priests somewhere can’t ban its purchase from anyone they may have shaken hands with once.
This guy named Ross Douthat has been quite vocal about it for quite a few weeks. But you probably haven’t heard of him. He’s kinda a terrible writer.
And both Democrats and Republicans generally agree that the country would be better off with fewer pregnant teenagers, fewer unwanted children, fewer absent fathers, fewer out-of-wedlock births.
Well, of course, but that’s only because the Republicans want to shoot said people in the head.
Where cultural liberals and social conservatives differ is on the means that will achieve these ends.
See aforementioned head-shooting.
The liberal vision tends to emphasize access to contraception as the surest path to stable families, wanted children and low abortion rates. The more direct control that women have over when and whether sex makes babies, liberals argue, the less likely they’ll be to get pregnant at the wrong time and with the wrong partner — and the less likely they’ll be to even consider having an abortion.
I.e. the method that has been proven to work the most effectively and dramatically lower abortion rates as seen with every credible study ever done on the subject. The one that is particularly effective when combined with supporting women financially and socially and making abortion access easy and plentiful as well as providing easy access to all contraceptive and prenatal care also dropping maternal deaths due to childbirth? (Which hey, let’s not at all focus on how the US has nearly third world figures on that score, especially for non-white women).
(Slate’s Will Saletan has memorably termed this “the pro-life case for Planned Parenthood.”)
When you are arguing that Will Saletan is a liberal, something has gone dreadfully wrong…in your brain…because you are Ross Douchehat…and you are a lying pile of shit…I just like elipses okay…don’t judge……ah yeah, that’s the stuff!
The conservative narrative, by contrast
Argues that the Space God Zenu will stop abortions with his mind-rays.
What? If you are going to say that the way reality works is the “liberal vision”, you kinda wrote yourself into a corner sparky.
argues that it’s more important to promote chastity, monogamy and fidelity than to worry about whether there’s a prophylactic in every bedroom drawer or bathroom cabinet.
Why, yes, because no two people who aren’t giant poly-sluts cheating on each other repeatedly ever have to worry about unwanted pregnancies. Especially in the man-woman marriages that conservatives want everyone to have and engage in coitus with.
Okay, you know what. I’ll buy that. I’m betting the average conservative public figure doesn’t have to worry about unwanted pregnancies and not just because their wives have their maid and lesbian lover drive them to the clinic’s backdoor the instant a period’s late.
After all, there’s little chance of impregnating someone when you’re getting fucked by a man named Ronaldo in a dingy airport bathroom.
To the extent that contraceptive use has a significant role in the conservative vision (and obviously there’s some Catholic-Protestant disagreement)
Now, some people, if halfway through their nth article on the subject of how contraception is bad and all conservatives should join the sectarian fight to ban it, might look at the above sentence coming out of their computer screen and realize something has gone terribly wrong with their essay and that they’ve written something that only people who are repeatedly getting hit on the head and have broken scroll keys couldn’t see as transparent bad-faith horseshit.
And said people might feel a pang of guilt or a desire to delete what they’ve written and try again.
But not, Douchehat, he’s a maverick!
He just pastes a quick parenthetical and ships it off to the editor.
On that note, being this guy’s editor must either be the greatest or the worst job in the world. And it would entirely depend on whether or not he remembers to charge his time at the bar as “time spent editing” this drek.
it’s in the context of already stable, already committed relationships. Monogamy, not chemicals or latex, is the main line of defense against unwanted pregnancies.
Question! When I stretch monogamy over my penis, it seems to tear and turn into a social concept, where do I buy the sturdier monogamies? Are they in the trendy stores that sell “deep and abiding faith” and GAP clothes for children?
The problem with the conservative story is that it doesn’t map particularly well onto contemporary mores and life patterns.
Yeah, the only problem with the conservative approach is that it has nothing to do with reality or is in any way relevant to preventing unwanted pregnancies. And in fact to do so requires at least one of the couple’s members to violate honesty, openness and connection in order to pretend that “monogamy” is the reason their eggs never seem to drop.
A successful chastity-centric culture seems to depend on a level of social cohesion, religious intensity and shared values that exists only in small pockets of the country. Mormon Utah, for instance, largely lives up to the conservative ideal, with some of America’s lowest rates of teenage pregnancies, out-of-wedlock births and abortions.
But many other socially conservative regions (particularly in the South) feature higher rates of unwed and teenage parenthood than in the country as a whole.
Well, obviously, they must simply have the lowest levels of social cohesion, religious intensity, values, and other good conservative values. If only they had embraced constructing endless arrays of churches instead of all those stem cell laboratories, gay wedding chapels, and multicultural centers, this could have all been avoided.
If only someone could have shown them the tacky tacky light.
Liberals love to cite these numbers as proof that social conservatism is a flop.
Those numbers, every other number, historical accounts, reality itself, and the fact that every time the right-wing has been allowed to do their wishlist, the unwanted pregnancy rate soars.
But yeah, mostly those numbers, they produce the best pitch of “bu-bu-bu” style whining to preform dub-step techno to.
But the liberal narrative has glaring problems as well.
Otherwise known as the “Nuh uh, you’re the poopyheads” defense.
So let’s spin the wheel and see what flavor of bullshit we get this week.
To begin with, a lack of contraceptive access simply doesn’t seem to be a significant factor in unplanned pregnancy in the United States. When the Alan Guttmacher Institute surveyed more than 10,000 women who had procured abortions in 2000 and 2001, it found that only 12 percent cited problems obtaining birth control as a reason for their pregnancies. A recent Centers for Disease Control and Prevention study of teenage mothers found similar results: Only 13 percent of the teens reported having had trouble getting contraception.
Yeah, it’s only 12-13% at the end of a 3-decade long campaign to make contraception use and sex education nigh-mandatory. I’m sure that number will sink like a brick if we make it really difficult to access alternative forms of contraception.
You’re arguing that since lack of contraception isn’t the overwhelming source of abortions (much like lack of vegetables isn’t the overwhelming source of heart disease), then fuck arguing for contraception access.
Well, let’s see what some of the other reasons for aborted pregnancies are.
Science quote from his fucking linked report:
This report describes estimated rates of self-reported prepregnancy contraceptive use among white, black, and Hispanic teen females aged 15–19 years with unintended pregnancies resulting in live births. Approximately one half (50.1%) of these teens were not using any method of birth control when they got pregnant
Well, that’s awkward for his point.
But hey, let’s skip his link and go straight to the money shot he really wants to tackle. Reasons for abortion. If we cut out “lack of contraception”, then next up we get “contraception fails or is used inconsistently”. Which the conservative solution to is…”monogamy”. After that it’s “lack of financial stability or emotional hardship” to which the conservative solution is, er…”let ‘em die, the sluts.”. And then that pesky medical necessity bit from wanted pregnancies (cause you know aborting a pregnancy is a medical surgery and childbirth is historically dangerous and stressful on the mother and all).
Hmm, turns out, “because sluts love getting their uterus scraped out with cold metal objects” didn’t even make the list.
At the same time, if liberal social policies really led inexorably to fewer unplanned pregnancies and thus fewer abortions, you would expect “blue” regions of the country to have lower teen pregnancy rates and fewer abortions per capita than demographically similar “red” regions.
But that isn’t what the data show. Instead, abortion rates are frequently higher in more liberal states, where access is often largely unrestricted, than in more conservative states, which are more likely to have parental consent laws, waiting periods, and so on. “Safe, legal and rare” is a nice slogan, but liberal policies don’t always seem to deliver the “rare” part.
Huh, you seem to have forgotten to include the part of the point where you included proof that liberal states had more or as many teenage pregnancies.
I mean, you wouldn’t make that elementary of a mistake, because otherwise it would completely demolish your intended point, completely failing to take into account that lowered pregnancy rates would mean that those left who did would be from even more at-risk populations (incest victims, undereducated teens, and those without good contraception access) as well as those who got pregnant by accidental means (and thus even more likely to want to terminate), thus skewing the abortion figures in your favor.
I’ll take it as an honest mistake, but you need to be more careful. Someone might assume you were trying to make a desperate bad-faith argument to cover up the fact that you’ve probably gotten about a million statistical papers thrown in your face in the last few weeks over your crusade against contraception.
What’s more, another Guttmacher Institute study suggests that liberal states don’t necessarily do better than conservative ones at preventing teenagers from getting pregnant in the first place.
Except they do. That’s what pregnancy means. Number of pregnancies. The period between conception and birth wherein a woman’s body cannibalizes itself to grow a parasitical organism that in the cases where its wanted will hopefully produce a cute little sentient independent lifeform in 9 months (give or take an additional 2-3 years for the brain to grow).
Instead, the lower teenage birth rates in many blue states are mostly just a consequence of (again) their higher abortion rates.
Yeah, but we’re talking about pregnancy rates. You know, pregnancies.
The process that is aborted, i.e. stopped. Hence the origin of the phrase “an abortion”. What with it being the shorter term for the “cessation of the process of pregnancy by medical or natural processes”. Hence miscarriage or “a natural abortion of the pregnancy process”.
Do you even know what these terms mean or did you just assume that “abortion” means “the reason I keep throwing up when I see lady bits”?
Oh Bob, you did…
I’m so sorry.
Liberal California, for instance, has a higher teen pregnancy rate than socially conservative Alabama; the Californian teenage birth rate is only lower because the Californian abortion rate is more than twice as high.
Because everyone knows that taking the exception that proves the rule to argue for your counterfactual shock argument is the way REAL science is done!
Fuck your countless studies on the connection between access of contraception and lowered unwanted pregnancy rates, we’ve got wishful thinking and the magic condom of “chastity, monogamy and fidelity”! In your face, libs! USA! USA! USA!
These are realities liberals should keep in mind
Oh god, it’s the return of “we create our own reality” again. You know, I crave the days when “conservatives reject reality’s liberal bias” was our snark of them instead of the proud badge they wore. Though I’ll admit it certainly makes writing these a lot easier.
when tempted to rail against conservatives for rejecting the intuitive-seeming promise of “more condoms, fewer abortions.” What’s intuitive isn’t always true, and if social conservatives haven’t figured out how to make all good things go together in post-sexual-revolution America, neither have social liberals.
Yeah, screw the fact that that’s what is seen and the only reason that “red state” abortions are so low is that most red state women end up having to go across state lines into the blue states just to receive one. All I know is that wishing unwanted pregnancies away by taking a long weekend with the rent boy while your wife goes “shopping” in Canada should be given its chance…to be the mandatory thing we force you proles to live by. Maybe then you’ll have too many damn kids to have time to whine about how “the system is corrupt” and “why won’t the rich accept modest tax hikes to fix the Great Depression they caused”.
Fucking ungrateful whiners. These paid hacks don’t employ themselves.
At the very least, American conservatives are hardly crazy to reject a model for sex
, marriage and family that seems to depend heavily on higher-than-average abortion rates.
My ass is goatse covered in Santorum. Case closed, move along, nothing to see here.
They’ve seen that future in places like liberal, cosmopolitan New York, where two in five pregnancies end in abortion. And it isn’t a pretty sight.
Well seeing as how 22% of pregnancies end in surgical abortion, 1 in 3 women get an intentional abortion to their pregnancy, 50+% of unwanted pregnancies end in intentional abortion, and about 70+% of pregnancy events end in natural abortion and miscarriage, we can only conclude that
God is the biggest abortionist
OMG LIBERALS IS TEH DEVILS AND CONSERVATIVES IS CORRECT ABOUT EVERYTHING NEENER NEENER!
Well done, Douchehat, you’ve finally cracked the case!
If only we had listened to you before making that Vegan Multicultural Planned Parenthood made entirely of Marijuana leaves.