Jan
19

Penises Give Ben Shapiro Some Butthurt




Posted at 18:34 by Tintin

ben_toilet

Shorter America’s Worst Self-Employed Lawyer™, America’s Shittiest Website™
The Golden Globes: An Ugly Peek into the Real Hollywood

    • Hollywood = Golden Globes. Golden Globes = Penis. Penis = Bad. Hollywood = Bad.
  • Sadly, No! all-time fave Ben Shapiro, who used to be America’s Worst Law Student™, and then America’s Worst Law Firm Associate™, and now is America’s Worst Unemployed Self-Employed Lawyer™, surfaces briefly at America’s Shittiest Website™ to complain about the Golden Globes award which, not surprisingly, is the perfect storm of everything that upsets Ben — foreigners, Hollywood, and penis jokes — all wrapped up into a 90-minute TV special that Ben hates so much that he can’t resist watching the whole thing, although he must have been on a Funyuns run when they gave an award to some Muslims, because he says nothing about that. But, for a guy whose penis is less useful to him than a basketball hoop to a Chihuahua, he is overcome by all the penis jokes on the show and dutifully reports them all to his fellow Cornerdomites.

    I’ll let intrepid mango hunters analyze most of AWSEL™ Shapiro complaints about each of the Globe penis jokes, but I can’t resist bringing this mango back first:

    Finally, Tina Fey and Jane Lynch explained how actors and actresses aren’t all that different from their real-life selves. “Matt LeBlanc is Matt LeBlanc,” said Fey. “And Hung’s Thomas Jane . . . really is a high-school coach,” replied Lynch. They then high-fived and shouted, “Yes! Penis joke!” Fey is widely considered the best female comedy writer on television. No wonder 30 Rock has swirled the toilet bowl for the last couple of years. As for Lynch — well, let’s just say her knowledge of the male anatomy is likely limited.

    So, let’s see, at the same time Ben, who still probably refers to his own penis as his “woowoo,” is bitching about penis jokes, he makes a lame poop joke and an even lamer lesbian joke in which Ben thinks that since lesbians have never seen a penis, they can’t make penis jokes, or something. Given that the virginal Ben claims to only have any experience with his own little unused and dessicated pecker, it seems unclear where that gives him any greater experience with penises than any random woman on the streets, lesbian or not.

    Weirdly enough, phallic jokes are a way for Hollywood to up its liberal street cred — by acting like third-graders fascinated with their own genitalia. Which many of them are.

    In case you’re wondering why AWSEL™ had such a short tenure at a real law firm, take a careful look at that sentence quoted above. He appears to be saying that most people in Hollywood are third graders. He was trying to say that many people in Hollywood were fascinated with their own genitalia (as if that were some sort of affliction rather than the normal state for everyone else in the world but Mr. I-don’t-have-a-Penis Shapiro) but just doesn’t have the third-grade writing chops necessary to pull it off (so to speak).

    Feel free to make your own penis jokes in the comments (as if you need my permission).


    ‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

    740 Comments »

    1. kg said,

      January 19, 2012 at 18:39

      wait, this isn’t the chunky reese witherspoon guy is it? its so very hard to keep up.

    2. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

      January 19, 2012 at 18:40

      Wasn’t he also America’s Lamest Virgin™ for a while?
      ~

    3. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

      January 19, 2012 at 18:41

      Or still…
      ~

    4. N__B said,

      January 19, 2012 at 18:43

      Aren’t the Golden Globes supposed to be a stand-in for BOOBS? Or should I be worried that my non-spherical PENIS is not up to par?

    5. TruculentandUnreliable said,

      January 19, 2012 at 18:47

      They should’ve gone with fart jokes. Much classier.

      wait, this isn’t the chunky reese witherspoon guy is it? its so very hard to keep up.

      No, that’s Ross Douthat. I’m pretty sure this guy has never even kissed a woman, much less gotten close enough to her for her to tell him that she’s on the pill.

    6. actor212 said,

      January 19, 2012 at 18:51

      But, for a guy whose penis is less useful to him than a basketball hoop to a Chihuahua

      You magnificent bastard!

    7. actor212 said,

      January 19, 2012 at 18:52

      I’m pretty sure this guy has never even kissed a woman, much less gotten close enough to her for her to tell him that she’s on the pill.

      He’s married.

      But he’s an Orthodox Jew so you could still be right

    8. actor212 said,

      January 19, 2012 at 18:54

      Weirdly enough, phallic jokes are a way for Hollywood to up its liberal street cred

      Ben, before you start whining about people trying to up their street cred, up yours.

    9. actor212 said,

      January 19, 2012 at 18:55

      Aren’t the Golden Globes supposed to be a stand-in for BOOBS? Or should I be worried that my non-spherical PENIS is not up to par?

      You strike me as the kind of man with enough cojones not to care.

      There’s a hint there, son.

    10. actor212 said,

      January 19, 2012 at 18:56

      Holy crap! Marist just released a poll saying Stephen Colbert could pull 18% of the vote in SC!

    11. actor212 said,

      January 19, 2012 at 18:57

      Linky to the press-release thingie

    12. Geds said,

      January 19, 2012 at 19:01

      Wasn’t he also America’s Lamest Virgin™ for a while?

      Man. And here I thought I’d had that title locked up for the last three decades. Guess I’ll just have to go have the sex now.

    13. Helmut Monotreme said,

      January 19, 2012 at 19:03

      I feel sorry for Ben. He learned to parrot the prejudices of the adults around him around age 8 or so and it got him credit and acclaim. 20 years later, that is still the only song in his songbook. Nothing would help this poor bastard more than being dropped off in a foreign country (Bangladesh?, Myanmar?, Sudan?) where he didn’t speak the language, with no money, no passport and no connections. I think he would learn a lot about himself and the world and what it’s real problems are. Certainly it would give him the opportunity that all of the privilege to which he is heir has heretofore denied him, the opportunity to grow the fuck up.

    14. TruculentandUnreliable said,

      January 19, 2012 at 19:04

      He’s married.

      Awww, Baby Ben is all growed up!

    15. Steerpike said,

      January 19, 2012 at 19:07

      Nothing would help this poor bastard more than being dropped off in a foreign country (Bangladesh?, Myanmar?, Sudan?)

      I would be in favor of this even it didn’t help him all that much, or at all…

    16. Spearhafoc, who is not an alien spy sent to infiltrate your Earthling "Blog comment threads" said,

      January 19, 2012 at 19:17

      My complaint about the Golden Globes is that Christina Hendricks didn’t seem to show up this year. I always look forward to images and videos of her on the red carpet in a cleave-tastic dress after every major award show. This year, however, I can’t seem to find any.

      Please tell me I’m wrong.

    17. kg said,

      January 19, 2012 at 19:18

      I’m pretty sure if you couldn’t find them then no one can.

    18. actor212 said,

      January 19, 2012 at 19:19

      So Gingrich’s first wife says he wanted an open marriage.

      Damn. I can’t even begin to imagine the Craigslist ad…

    19. Helmut Monotreme said,

      January 19, 2012 at 19:21

      I think it was his second wife, isn’t his first wife dead?

    20. Spearhafoc, who is a deviated prevert said,

      January 19, 2012 at 19:22

      I guess I’ll have to settle for these images of Sofía Vergara.

    21. Pupienus said,

      January 19, 2012 at 19:24

      Poor poor little butthurt neB. It seems to me that his detestatory anti penis joke screed is born from severe jealousy of the rich and famous.

      Keen insight in the comments:

       GWB : 01/17/12 14:22
      It’s why Obama is so comfortable amongst these folks – they all suffer from acute narcissism.

      Because President Barack Narcissus Obama, like all narcissists, really enjoys being among other narcissists, all competing for attention.

    22. actor212 said,

      January 19, 2012 at 19:27

      I think it was his second wife, isn’t his first wife dead?

      They’re all bodies in the rearview mirror to Newt.

    23. kg said,

      January 19, 2012 at 19:28

      I guess I’ll have to settle for these images of Sofía Vergara.

      settle, huh?

    24. Bitter Scribe said,

      January 19, 2012 at 19:33

      It’s why Obama is so comfortable amongst these folks – they all suffer from acute narcissism.

      Yes, only a narcissist would believe that a black man could be elected president.

    25. Goldenest Globetrotter said,

      January 19, 2012 at 19:35

      Penis A: Who was that lady I saw you with last night?

      Penis B: That was no lady, that was DK-W’s mom.

    26. Penis De Milo said,

      January 19, 2012 at 19:52

      Sorry, all my penis jokes are just too shopworn.

    27. Spearhafoc, who is a deviated prevert said,

      January 19, 2012 at 19:58

      Better than the penis itself being shopworn.

    28. Sony Corp. said,

      January 19, 2012 at 19:58

      All ur PENIS are belong to us.

      Also FYWP.

    29. jim said,

      January 19, 2012 at 20:00

      FYI, Virgin Ben is one of the prime originators of the “Sesame Street is commie brainwashing propaganda” meme … so you KNOW he’s a very serious intellectual.

      What could be lamer than the Golden Globe awards? Yep – earnestly forelock-tugging over them in print. Tina Fey & company sort of have to be there (hey, a gig is a gig) but what’s Shapiro’s excuse?

      At the height of a dramatic GOP primary season you opt to mewl about dick jokes at the GG’s = the Clue Boat left port, & you weren’t on it.

      Don’t fret, Ben – maybe you can sit at the Big Kids’ Table NEXT election.

    30. Smut Clyde said,

      January 19, 2012 at 20:16

      Hollywood to up its liberal street cred — by acting like third-graders

      1. Serious adults do not use ‘up’ as a verb.
      2. Is ‘Hollywood’ supposed to be a singular noun in this sentence, or a plural? My parser is broken.

      Which many of them are.
      Isolated clause seeks rest of sentence for mutual grammatical completion.

    31. kg said,

      January 19, 2012 at 20:29

      Isolated clause seeks rest of sentence for mutual grammatical completion.

      hot!

    32. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 19, 2012 at 20:30

      Ben:

      People like that deserve all the mockery they receive and then some. They’re not curing cancer, after all. Essentially, they’re our court jesters.

      There you go: PERMISSION.

    33. vacuumslayer has infinity Facebook friends said,

      January 19, 2012 at 20:30

      I had some thoughts on Ben Shapiro.

    34. Rick Massimo said,

      January 19, 2012 at 20:33

      Ben Shapiro!

      Best penis joke I could come up with.

      I’ll be here all week!

    35. Whale Chowder said,

      January 19, 2012 at 20:34

      I guess I’ll have to settle for these images of Sofía Vergara.

      You can always tell the bottle-fed ones.

    36. N__B said,

      January 19, 2012 at 20:38

      1. Serious adults do not use ‘up’ as a verb.

      Up yours.

    37. vacuumslayer has infinity Facebook friends said,

      January 19, 2012 at 20:38

      My husband is always asking me if her breasts are real.

      “Yes, darling. I think they are.”

      LOL!

    38. Pupienus said,

      January 19, 2012 at 20:42

      Methinks perhaps neB is suffering a different sort of envy than I had said previously. He is upset by the PENIS jokes because of his own joke of a PENIS. Such envy manifests as anger.

    39. kg said,

      January 19, 2012 at 20:47

      I actually think tintin took the cake with that title. No other PENIS jokes necessary.

    40. vacuumslayer said,

      January 19, 2012 at 20:47

      As this thread is tangentially about orbs, I’m anxiously awaiting thunder’s comments.

    41. vacuumslayer said,

      January 19, 2012 at 20:49

      I actually think tintin took the cake with that title. No other PENIS jokes necessary.

      Gotta use lube, Ben. Lotsa lube.

    42. Major Kong said,

      January 19, 2012 at 20:51

      I guess I’ll have to settle for these images of Sofía Vergara.

      Impressive. Bordering on spectacular.

    43. Another Kiwi said,

      January 19, 2012 at 20:57

      Shapiro actually says Everyone knows that the Hollywood Foreign Press Correspondents Association is deeply corrupt
      “Everyone knows” is the level required at Teh Corner?
      And Ben’s friend got snubbed by Harvey Weinstein!
      Also it is lamentable writing. Which it is.

    44. Johnson Wood said,

      January 19, 2012 at 20:58

      *I* think penis jokes are funny.

    45. Whale Chowder said,

      January 19, 2012 at 21:00

      “Everyone knows” is the level required at Teh Corner?

      Oh come on. If their writing had to depend on a higher level of evidence than that, they’d have no updates at all.

      “Everyone nose that liberals are really fascists.”

    46. vacuumslayer has infinity Facebook friends said,

      January 19, 2012 at 21:01

      Everyone knows that people who don’t like penis jokes have small penises.

    47. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 19, 2012 at 21:03

      The Golden Globes really are a joke; they’re advertising via award.

    48. Hogeye Grex said,

      January 19, 2012 at 21:03

      Ben, before you start whining about people trying to up their street cred, up yours.

      ftfy

    49. Smut Clyde said,

      January 19, 2012 at 21:04

      You can always tell the bottle-fed ones.
      Hard mother or soft mother? Decisions, decisions.

      Insert “Dura mater / pia mater” joke for zombies.

    50. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 19, 2012 at 21:04

      Nothing would help this poor bastard more than being dropped off in a foreign country (Bangladesh?, Myanmar?, Sudan?)

      Preferably from about oh, say 100 feet or so.

    51. kg said,

      January 19, 2012 at 21:08

      Impressive. Bordering on spectacular.

      bordering?

    52. Hogeye Grex said,

      January 19, 2012 at 21:08

      The Golden Globes really are a joke; they’re advertising via award.

      As opposed to those other awards shows that aren’t at all self-promoting wankery wrapped in gilt.

      But yeah. Teh Globes are sort of an awful bit of desperation.

    53. Whale Chowder said,

      January 19, 2012 at 21:13

      Hard mother or soft mother?

      Wait, is this a reference to the children of Chix with Dix?*

      *I know what this really refers to and I can only say I hope you chose the Soft Frau Doktorin for your own lil’ imp. Seems to save on the psychological issues down the road.

    54. vacuumslayer has infinity Facebook friends said,

      January 19, 2012 at 21:15

      Yeah, but…Ricky Gervais.

      I don’t watch awards shows, but if I did, I’d choose the Globes so I could see him.

    55. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 19, 2012 at 21:16

      Certainly many other awards shows are about self-praise and hype but this sort of thing is standard for the Golden Globes. Somewhere out there is a very entertaining documentary in which a guy tracks down a bunch of members of the HFPA who have absolutely nothing to do with the press. I think one voter runs a cardboard factory or something similar, which I guess is training enough to judge Michael Bay movies.

    56. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 19, 2012 at 21:18

      I think one voter runs a cardboard factory or something similar, which I guess is training enough to judge make Michael Bay movies.

      Fixxored.

    57. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 19, 2012 at 21:21

      This was the documentary, I think…

    58. Major Kong said,

      January 19, 2012 at 21:21

      Better than the country music awards. Hey look! A guy in a cowboy hat – who sounds remarkably like the preceding 5 guys in cowboy hats.

    59. Smut Clyde said,

      January 19, 2012 at 21:21

      People like that deserve all the mockery they receive and then some. They’re not curing cancer, after all. Essentially, they’re our court jesters.
      There you go: PERMISSION.

      It was the absence of permission from Mr McGravitas that prevented me from mocking non-cancer-curing waste-of-space doofuses in the past.

      Seems to save on the psychological issues down the road.
      Rest assured that the Doktorling Sonja has NO PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUES at all. Apart from an unseemly enthusiasm for watching ‘Dexter’.
      She is also a fan of ‘House’. I have no idea why she should admire sarcastic people who know a lot and are rude to everyone.

    60. Marion in Savannah said,

      January 19, 2012 at 21:27

      Apart from an unseemly enthusiasm for watching ‘Dexter’.

      Well, where else are you going to get really good tips on doing away with annoying coworkers and bosses?

    61. Another Kiwi said,

      January 19, 2012 at 21:29

      Also Shapiro’s title An Ugly Peek.
      It’s the peek that’s ugly, right? No matter what it saw it was an ugly little peek. On the teevee watched by all them millingyons for two hours it was a peek . I think Shapiro’s piece was a very good example of manufactured outrage.
      And it is.

    62. Smut Clyde said,

      January 19, 2012 at 21:44

      Also Shapiro’s title An Ugly Peek.
      He misspelled ‘pique’.

      People like that deserve all the mockery they receive and then some. They’re not curing cancer, after all. Essentially, they’re our court jesters.
      Is anyone else detecting a glimmer of incipient insight from Mr Shapiro?

    63. Helmut Monotreme said,

      January 19, 2012 at 21:45

      The next glimmer of insight Mr Shapiro experiences will be his first. Self awareness is not high or indeed present on his list of virtues.

    64. Hogeye Grex said,

      January 19, 2012 at 21:46

      Is anyone else detecting a glimmer of incipient insight from Mr Shapiro?

      The self-awareness is stunning.

    65. Hogeye Grex said,

      January 19, 2012 at 21:47

      Damn you, Monotreme.

      *shakes fist in air*

    66. Another Kiwi said,

      January 19, 2012 at 21:47

      Subby, I’m not saying that the GG’s are not corrupt and worthless, it’s more the phrase “Everyone knows”, that Lawyering school sure paid off, Ben.

      a glimmer of incipient insight from Mr Shapiro? Even now, black helicopters are in the air winging fresh Green Monkey Brain Cells to Ben to counteract the insight germs.

    67. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 19, 2012 at 21:49

      incipient insight

      I will now pull a Jonah:

      Homer: Why am I such a loser? Why?
      Bart: Well, your father was a loser, and his father, and his father … it’s genetic, man. D’oh!

    68. Helmut Monotreme said,

      January 19, 2012 at 21:52

      Damn you, Monotreme.

      *shakes fist in air*

      *gloats in an evil manner*

      *twirls mustache*

    69. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 19, 2012 at 21:53

      Subby, I’m not saying that the GG’s are not corrupt and worthless, it’s more the phrase “Everyone knows”, that Lawyering school sure paid off, Ben.

      Oh yeah, it’s a shit column employing shit rhetoric for sure, thus the penis-joke own-goal.

      The “everyone knows” is ordinarily a cultural tell.

    70. Smut Clyde said,

      January 19, 2012 at 21:54

      it’s more the phrase “Everyone knows”, that Lawyering school sure paid off, Ben.

      If it was good enough for a Leonard Cohen song then it’s GOOD ENOUGH FOR BEN SHAPIRO.

    71. Jennifer said,

      January 19, 2012 at 22:00

      I don’t have any penis jokes, but there IS a giant metal robot penis in the clip about robot porn over at my blog, which will just have to do.

    72. Pupienus said,

      January 19, 2012 at 22:00

      Is anyone else detecting a glimmer of incipient insight from Mr Shapiro?

      Pah! Beginner’s luck.

    73. Smut Clyde said,

      January 19, 2012 at 22:11

      The “everyone knows” is ordinarily a cultural tell.

      Are you implying that writers with higher status in the noise machine — earlier in the human centipede, as it were — are equally willing to appeal to their readers’ preconceptions in lieu of real-world facts, but are better at concealing it? If so then I am SHOCKED. HURTFUL.

    74. beejeez said,

      January 19, 2012 at 22:11

      Yes, because nothing says liberal like acting like third-graders fascinated with their own genitalia. You couldn’t get Jesus and Karl Marx to shut up with all the wee-wee jokes.

    75. Pryme said,

      January 19, 2012 at 22:12

      Apart from an unseemly enthusiasm for watching ‘Dexter’.

      A kid scientist and his annoying little sister…what’s not to like?

    76. Smut Clyde said,

      January 19, 2012 at 22:14

      but there IS a giant metal robot penis

      The ‘Transformers’ franchise is going rapidly downhill.

    77. vacuumslayer said,

      January 19, 2012 at 22:19

      I will NOT Google Transformers Hentai.

    78. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

      January 19, 2012 at 22:22

      is the perfect storm of everything that upsets Ben — foreigners, Hollywood, and penis jokes

      So, this Bulgarian penis walks into a bar on Sunset Boulevard…

    79. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

      January 19, 2012 at 22:23

      but there IS a giant metal robot penis

      Voltron’s gettin’ busy!

    80. Pryme said,

      January 19, 2012 at 22:23

      but there IS a giant metal robot penis
      The ‘Transformers’ franchise is going rapidly downhill.

      Actually, you go here (http://transformers.wikia.com/wiki/Scattershot_(G1)) and you’ll see that even in the 80′s kids were pretty imaginative.

    81. Pryme said,

      January 19, 2012 at 22:24

      Voltron’s gettin’ busy!

      Wait a tick….Car Voltron or Lion Voltron?

      (yes; this is s test)

    82. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

      January 19, 2012 at 22:28

      I think it would have to be Lion Voltron.

      “I’ll form the cock!”

    83. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 19, 2012 at 22:31

      Battle of the Penis.

    84. tsam said,

      January 19, 2012 at 22:37

      Is he saying that dick jokes get you street cred? I didn’t have to commit those murders and get shot so I can show off the bullet scars? FUCK.

    85. Pupienus said,

      January 19, 2012 at 22:39

      s the perfect storm of everything that upsets Ben — foreigners, Hollywood, and penis jokes

      I was going to quibble with that because I heard or read the other day that the HFPA is not comprised of foreigners. Nor press for that matter. Then I figured I’d best do a better job than neB w.r.t. sourcing. The wiki is oddly devoid of such criticism though the “talk” page consists mostly of listing such criticisms.

    86. actor212 said,

      January 19, 2012 at 22:43

      I didn’t have to commit those murders and get shot so I can show off the bullet scars? FUCK.

      Fitty? Zat you?

    87. tigris said,

      January 19, 2012 at 22:44

      People like that deserve all the mockery they receive and then some. They’re not curing cancer, after all. Essentially, they’re our court jesters.

      Wait, who is he talking about?

    88. Jennifer said,

      January 19, 2012 at 22:46

      Maybe Ben’s just upset about the tote bags they gave to each of the attendees.

    89. Olexicon said,

      January 19, 2012 at 22:47

      Shorter The Artist Formerly Known As the Virgin Ben

      “Hey, just because I wrote all of these words about dicks, doesn’t mean I’m obsessed with dicks, it means those evil Liberal dicks love dicks, dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick”

      “How many dicks is that?”

    90. tigris said,

      January 19, 2012 at 22:47

      Wow, maybe I should occasionally try reloading the thread. Reloading the Thread. Also: PENIS.

    91. actor212 said,

      January 19, 2012 at 22:49

      Maybe Ben’s just upset about the tote bags they gave to each of the attendees.

      Oh man I know those! Rub one and you get a suitcase!

    92. Jennifer said,

      January 19, 2012 at 22:51

      tigris, you should forward that to Accidental Dong.

    93. Pupienus said,

      January 19, 2012 at 22:58

      Jennifer said,

      January 19, 2012 at 22:46 (kill)

      NEEDS TRIGGER WARNING!

    94. actor212 said,

      January 19, 2012 at 22:59

      RIP, Hand Jive*

      *VMR

    95. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 19, 2012 at 23:01

      I quite like that tote bag. I suspect there would be less asking of all sorts of questions for its carrier.

    96. Smut Clyde said,

      January 19, 2012 at 23:04

      “Only $7.77 in bulk!”
      “Color: Natural and Black”.

      But which size? Jumbo or “tiny tote”? Decisions.

    97. actor212 said,

      January 19, 2012 at 23:12

      Shorter Newt:

      Disneyworld is so elitist!

    98. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

      January 19, 2012 at 23:13

      The PENIS is bad? Sounds familiar.

    99. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

      January 19, 2012 at 23:22

      Speaking of Kate Beckinsale’s mom.

    100. Whale Chowder said,

      January 19, 2012 at 23:29

      From D-KW’s second link: She adds, “I do like a penis joke…

      So…Kate Beckinsale has a tiny dick?

    101. UKBristolDave said,

      January 19, 2012 at 23:33

      Was Ricky Gervais deemed to be funny or a knobber this time round? It’s hard to keep up…

    102. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 19, 2012 at 23:33

      Not a huge surprise, but after a long, hard, exhausting recount Santorum surged to a messy victory in Iowa.

      I hope this is more headline fodder…

    103. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 19, 2012 at 23:38

      Oh, and for any of you Oregon sadlies: Stay safe, it’s a mess in the valley. The recent weather and current flooding is very reminiscent of the “once a century” 1996 floods, and has already claimed a few lives in Albany…

    104. pws said,

      January 19, 2012 at 23:53

      “Well, where else are you going to get really good tips on doing away with annoying coworkers and bosses?”

      I vote Breaking Bad for the answer to this question.

    105. Pupienus said,

      January 19, 2012 at 23:55

      A mudslide yesterday closed the I-5 exit near our building. I just took a look, the exit is still closed – looks like they’re worried about it undercutting the freeway. I also note from my glance out the window that the Willamette is about as high as I have seen it in my 6 years here. It’s still rising. This morning Bogoas insisted on walkies at his usual time and my pants legs got soaked from the sideways rain. It was so nasty that he lead me back here after only a few minutes in contrast to the usual dragging him back after an hour. Not fit for man nor beast.

    106. actor212 said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:00

      Mad dogs and Englishmen, Poops.

      Errr, you’re not British, are you?

    107. Smut Clyde said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:02

      “Well, where else are you going to get really good tips on doing away with annoying coworkers and bosses?”

      Perhaps I should start a newsletter to which interested people could subscribe.

    108. actor212 said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:03

      “Well, where else are you going to get really good tips on doing away with annoying coworkers and bosses?”

      Perhaps I should start a newsletter to which interested people could subscribe.

      By age 30, anyone who hasn’t had to bury a body or two from his or her office just isn’t trying hard enough.

    109. Smut Clyde said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:04

      The human body is a wonderful thing, and deserves a decent-sized suitcase.

    110. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:04

      Pupienus said,

      January 19, 2012 at 23:55 (kill)

      Ah, you weren’t here in ’96. The Willamette almost topped the seawall in downtown Portland… The “falls” at Oregon City were flat and basically just rapids.

      The Mary’s river in Philomath just broke the record it set in ’96, and that leads straight to the Willamette and to you guys up there. It could get ugly again.

    111. actor212 said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:07

      The human body is a wonderful thing, and deserves a decent-sized suitcase

      See, this is why I keep a supply of Banker’s Boxes around.

    112. Pupienus said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:10

      Nope, I’m a newcomer but I have seen pictures. Hey I think I’ll drive down to O City to look at the falls!

    113. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:21

      Was Ricky Gervais deemed to be funny or a knobber this time round? It’s hard to keep up…

      Ben says yes Because Hollywood Jerks. Christian Toto says the jokes weren’t political enough in the way that he likes, or that’s what he predicted anyway.

    114. Pupienus said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:38

      Nope, not British. Though solidly Scottish on my mother’s side and decidedly English on pop’s side I identify as All American Mutt.

    115. TruculentandUnreliable said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:39

      Christian Toto says the jokes weren’t political enough in the way that he likes, or that’s what he predicted anyway.

      I almost clicked on that, but then decided to conserve my finger energy.

    116. Whale Chowder said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:41

      solidly Scottish on my mother’s side and decidedly English on pop’s side

      So you’re constantly at war with yourself? Wear a half-kilt? Paint half your face blue?

    117. Spearhafoc, who is a deviated prevert said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:43

      Everyone knows that people who don’t like penis jokes have small penises.

      What if you have a small penis but like penis jokes anyway?

      I’m asking for a friend.

      A friend who is also named Spearhafoc.

      And who is also me.

    118. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:44

      ⓿⓿

    119. Another Kiwi said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:46

      Another interesting point, he said putting down his clipboard, is how much these people, delusional god-botherers with a pre-schooler’s grasp of writing, I mean, really care about this.
      Was Benno sitting in his bedroom tapping code on the wall unaware that his wife has the room on the other side of his room, and thought “What shall I do? Rearrange my hand kercheifs, wash my shoe laces or watch the golden globes, they are usual wholesome,rollicking goodtimes with a family emphasis?”
      Or was it “By the Holy Lamb of God!! These awards are like a devil dagger aimed at the heart of all that is decent?!?!?!”
      I’m thinking it was perusing the letters to the editor of the Kvetchville Times and picking a topic to fill his out tray for another week.

    120. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:46

      What if you have a small penis but like penis jokes anyway?

      Oh, NOW I get all the My Little, um, Pony stuff.

    121. Spearhafoc, who is a deviated prevert said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:48

      My Little Pony is a children’s show.

      Don’t be disgusting.

    122. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:49

      My Little Brony is more likely.

    123. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:51

      More likely to what, I don’t know, I’m just saying…

    124. Spearhafoc, who is a deviated prevert said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:51

      Relevant.

    125. Anonymous said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:52

      MY LITTLE BONEY, HAHAHAHAHA

    126. TruculentandUnreliable said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:55

      Relevant.

      What????

    127. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:56

      ♫ My Little Penis, My Little Penis, isn’t the world a lovely place♬
      ♩My Little Penis, My Little Penis, everywhere you go, a smiling face♪

    128. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:56

      You don’t have to change NOTHING.

    129. Spearhafoc, who is a deviated prevert said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:57

      ? My Little Penis, My Little Penis, isn’t the world a lovely place?
      ?My Little Penis, My Little Penis, everywhere you go, a smiling face?

      Not familiar with that version of the themesong. I only watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

    130. Another Kiwi who has a facebook friend said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:58

      ?My Little Penis, My Little Penis, everywhere you go come, a smiling face?
      Just one change

    131. vacuumslayer said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:59

      Just so long as there are no Bronmances. And by that I mean romances between bros and ponies.

    132. Another Kiwi who has a facebook friend said,

      January 20, 2012 at 0:59

      Strikethrough fail, damn you

    133. Spearhafoc, who is a deviated prevert said,

      January 20, 2012 at 1:01

      And by that I mean romances between bros and ponies.

      There aren’t any humans in the My Little Pony universe, at least not in the version I’m familiar with.

    134. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 1:07

      That relevant link was interesting. If I watched much TV I’d give it a shot. I rate for The Powerpuff Girls.

    135. Spearhafoc, who is a deviated prevert said,

      January 20, 2012 at 1:12

      I remember an Animaniacs background gag from when I was a kid. It was Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep (the stars of Kramer Vs. Kramer) sitting next to Michael Richards (Kramer).

      Ah, cartoons.

    136. vacuumslayer said,

      January 20, 2012 at 1:14

      I used to be into those Girls.

    137. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 20, 2012 at 1:14

      I remember an Animaniacs background gag from when I was a kid

      Spearhafoc gets two demerits for making me feel old.

    138. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 1:16

      Spearhafoc gets two demerits for making me feel old.

      Should I mention something about Porky in Wackyland and surrealism references?

    139. Spearhafoc, who is a deviated prevert said,

      January 20, 2012 at 1:22

      I was 10 when Animaniacs went off the air. Ha!

    140. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 1:26

      And oh those Sinatra jokes. Thigh-slappers!

    141. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 20, 2012 at 1:28

      Should I mention something about Porky in Wackyland and surrealism references?

      Yes, please.

    142. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

      January 20, 2012 at 1:29

      Christian Toto says the jokes weren’t political enough in the way that he likes, or that’s what he predicted anyway.

      I almost clicked on that, but then decided to conserve my finger energy brain cells.

      Edited for accuracy…

      Just so long as there are no Bronmances. And by that I mean romances between bros and ponies.

      Uh, you haven’t seen the Georgia version.

    143. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

      January 20, 2012 at 1:31

      Should I mention something about Porky in Wackyland and surrealism references?

      A simple link to it would suffice!

      Dodeeohdodo!

    144. J. A. Baker said,

      January 20, 2012 at 1:57

      But, for a guy whose penis is less useful to him than a basketball hoop to a Chihuahua,

      Yeah, just ask his wife.

    145. J. A. Baker said,

      January 20, 2012 at 2:04

      ? My Little Penis, My Little Penis, isn’t the world a lovely place?
      ?My Little Penis, My Little Penis, everywhere you go, a smiling face?

      Meh, I’ll just outsource my singing penis jokes to the esteemed Eric Idle.

    146. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 2:14

      You know, there really should be an “Everybody knows” questionnaire. About ten things “everybody knows” would weed out a lot of job applicants.

    147. vacuumslayer said,

      January 20, 2012 at 2:24

      Everybody knows Picard > Kirk.

    148. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 20, 2012 at 2:29

      Everybody knows Picard > Kirk

      Everybody knows Mac > PC

      Everybody knows dogs > cats

    149. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 2:32

      Everybody knows foreskin > circumcision.

    150. vacuumslayer said,

      January 20, 2012 at 2:32

      Everybody knows Pinkie Pie> Applejack.

    151. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 2:37

      Everybody knows > data.

    152. Whale Chowder said,

      January 20, 2012 at 2:43

      Everybody knows orbs are evil.

    153. vacuumslayer said,

      January 20, 2012 at 2:47

      Thunder!

    154. vacuumslayer said,

      January 20, 2012 at 2:49

      Everybody knows that cats suck your breath while you sleep.

    155. N__B said,

      January 20, 2012 at 3:05

      Everybody knows everybody’s nose.

    156. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

      January 20, 2012 at 3:07

      Meh, I’ll just outsource my singing penis jokes to the esteemed Eric Idle.

      Like Pres. Obama, I in-source my singing penis jokes. Much as I love Eric Idle’s work, why “offshore” your singing penis jokes?

    157. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

      January 20, 2012 at 3:08

      Everybody knows everybody’s nose.

      Everybody knows ______ picks his nose.
      Wipes it on his shirt, and eats it for dessert.

    158. N__B said,

      January 20, 2012 at 3:09

      Everybody knows ______ picks his nose.
      Wipes it on his shirt, and eats it for dessert.

      Oh, are we back to win/mac debates?

    159. Another Kiwi who has a facebook friend said,

      January 20, 2012 at 3:11

      Everybody knows this is nowhere

    160. TruculentandUnreliable said,

      January 20, 2012 at 3:14

      There aren’t any humans in the My Little Pony universe, at least not in the version I’m familiar with.

      There was a little girl in the original Ponies. I had the doll. She had some sweet-ass pink shoes.

      Come to think of it, I had a shitload of My Little Pony stuff. But I only ever had a Barbie Dreamhouse knockoff.

    161. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

      January 20, 2012 at 3:42

      Also relevant My Little Pony stuff.

    162. Smut Clyde said,

      January 20, 2012 at 3:49

      Everybody knows that the war is over. Everybody knows the good guys lost.

    163. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

      January 20, 2012 at 3:50

      Everybody knows the dice are loaded.

    164. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

      January 20, 2012 at 3:52

      Damn you Smut.

    165. Another Kiwi who has a facebook friend said,

      January 20, 2012 at 3:52

      Everybody knows that you’re insane

    166. Major Kong said,

      January 20, 2012 at 4:07

      Everybody knows that it’s now or never.

    167. J. A. Baker said,

      January 20, 2012 at 4:27

      Everybody knows dogs > cats

      I object, Your Honor!

    168. Major Kong said,

      January 20, 2012 at 4:29

      Everybody knows dogs > cats

      I’ve never seen a cat eat another animal’s POOP.

    169. N__B said,

      January 20, 2012 at 4:37

      I’ve never seen a cat eat another animal’s POOP.

      Rule 34!

    170. Attack of the penis jokes! said,

      January 20, 2012 at 4:38

      1) What does a guy with a 12 inch cock have for breakfast?
      I don’t know, but I have corn flakes!

      2) Little Johnny is in the bathroom taking a pee, when the toilet seat falls down on his penis. He starts screaming and crying. His mum comes running into the room wondering what’s going on.
      He tells his mother, “Mummy, the toilet seat fell on top my penis. Kiss it better!”
      “Johnny,” said his mother, “Your getting more and more like your father every day!”

      3) Did you hear about the guy who had three cocks?
      He use to love fucking women left, right and centre!

      4) What’s 5 inches long, has 100 teeth and has a monster inside of it?
      My zipper!

      5) An army sergeant walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and says, “My name is Sgt Major Dick and I’m here for a woman!” The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best call girl they have for him.

      Sgt Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute waiting for him on the bed. He says, “My name is Sgt Dick, been in the army thirty years, and I’m a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-SHUN. Immediately his penis becomes instantly erect!
      The prostitute is in awe and asks how he can do it. The Sgt Major replies, “Like I said, I’ve been in the army thirty years and I have total control over my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE.” His penis immediately goes limp.
      The prostitute still can’t get over what she saw and asks him to make it hard then soft then hard again.
      She asks him again how he does it. The Sgt Major shouts, “I have already told you honey, I have been in the army thirty years, and I am master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-SHUN. His penis goes instantly hard. Then he gives the following command, “DICK- AT EASE!” The Sgt Major looks down and is amazed to see his penis is fully erect. The Sgt Major is now fuming, and says, “I’m going to tell you one more time, DICK-AT EASE!” No luck. His penis is still hard. He yells “God Dammit!” and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously.
      The prostitute asks, “What the hell is going on?”
      The Sgt Major replies, “This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I’m giving him a dishonourable discharge!”

      6) A guy has sex with a Chinese prostitute and a week later he goes to a doctor because his cock has turned yellow, purple and green. The doctor takes a look and says, “Well, it’s pretty bad, we are going to have to amputate!”
      “No way!” says the guy and runs out of the hospital quick. He then thinks to himself, Chinese whore, then it’s a Chinese doctor I need.
      So he goes into Chinatown and finds a doctor. The doctor takes a look. The guy says, “Listen Doc, the previous Doctor said that he would have to amputate, was he right?”
      “No, No, No,” said the Chinese Doctor, “Australian Doctor’s always want to cut, cut , cut. Two to three days at the most – pecker should fall off all by itself!”

      7) What’s the definition of a Yankee?
      The same as a quickie, but you use your hand!

      8) Why is masturbating like eating a McDonalds?
      Because it’s always exactly the same and afterwards you swear you will never do it again!

      9)
      What do you call 10 naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
      A scrotum pole!

      10)
      What do you call a bloke with a one inch dick?
      Justin!

      11)
      What’s the toughest part of a man’s body?
      His cock. Because it can stand up to any cunt!

      12)
      What’s the difference between white onions, brown onions and a 14 inch dick?
      Nothing. They all make women’s eyes water!

      13)
      After this horny guy dropped his pants, the chick was dismayed to see that it was only 2 inches long.
      “Who the hell do you think your gonna satisfy with this?” said the girl.
      “Me!” said the guy, with a smile!

      14)
      A yuppie walked into a doctors surgery and demanded the quack look at his dick.
      “Why, what’s wrong with it?” the doc asked.
      “I’ll show you.” said the yuppie. He dropped his trousers. His dick was the size of a jellybean, and the doctor couldn’t help laughing.
      “It’s nothing to laugh at,” replied the yuppie, “It’s been swollen like that for the last three days!”

      15)
      Mick and Harry were having a drink at the pub one night, when Mick noticed a blonde making eyes at his friend.
      “Go and chat her up,” Mick said, “You might get a fuck!”
      So Harry went over to the blonde and started chatting. But after about ten minutes, Harry came back to the table, looking pissed off.
      “What happened,” asked Mick, “It looked like you were going to score!”
      “Yeah,” replied Harry, “Things were going fine until she said, “I won’t let you fuck me unless you dick is at least 10 inches long!”
      “So what’s the problem?” asked Mick.
      Harry replied, “I’m not folding my dick in half for anybody!”

      16)
      How do you get meat from a fly?
      By unzipping it!

      17)
      What’s the best thing about a blowjob?
      The ten minutes of silence!

      18)
      What’s dangerous and eats nuts?
      Syphilis!

      19)
      A foot and a penis are talking to each other, and the foot says, “I have had it so bad in life. Everyday my owner sticks me into a smelly shoe and walks around on me all day long. My life sucks!”
      Then the penis says, “You think you have had it bad. My owner sticks me into a deep black hole that smells like fish every night and then makes me do push ups until I puke!”

      20)
      A black guy walks into a bar and says, “I have a twelve inch cock, and I like to fuck white women with it.”
      A drunk at the other end of the bar shouts, “Hey, I wouldn’t want to fuck black women with it either!”

      21)
      What do you get if you have two nuts on a wall? Walnuts!
      What do you get if you have two nuts on your chest? Chestnuts!
      What do you get if you have two nuts on your chin? A mouth full of cock!

      22)
      What’s the most sensitive part of your body when your having a wank?
      Your ears listening out for footsteps!

      23)
      What did the policeman’s cock say to the rubber?
      Cover me I’m going in!

      24)
      What’s a condominium?
      A condom for an extra small dick!

      25)
      Why did the guy sleep with his sister in law?
      He had it in for his brother!

      26)
      What did one testicle say to the other?
      ” Why should we hang, Dick did all the shooting!”

      27)
      What do you call a black man with a white dick?
      A coal miner who went home for lunch!

      28)
      Have you heard about the new salad for wankers?
      It tosses itself!

      29)
      An American walks into a bar, grabs a handful of coins out of his pocket, throws them in the air, pulls a gun, shoots six times and six bullets go through the centre of six coins – and he says, “My name is Bill….Buffalo Bill!”
      Right after that, a Russian stands up from behind the bar, pulls his pants down and everyone can clearly see he has three enormous dicks hanging down – and he says, “My name is Bill too…..Cherno-Bill!”

      30)
      A group of wives were sitting in a bar, discussing the pet names for their husband’s cocks.
      “I call my ol’ man’s cock the Curtain,” laughed the first wife, “Because it comes down at the end of each performance!”
      “I call my husband’s dick the Basque Terrorist,” added the second wife, “Because I never know whether it will attack at the front or the rear!”
      The third wife shrugged, “Myself, I call my husband’s The Rumour!”
      “Why is that?” asked the other two.
      “Because it passes swiftly from mouth to mouth!”

      31)
      While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out that she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.
      On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife in a rumpled bath robe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she looked through a magazine.
      Then without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent hard on. Looking down at this he snarled, “Why you ungrateful, mixed up, son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!”

      32)
      A handsome young man who is wealthy and successful with the ladies was turning thirty years old and decided to relax and stop fooling around and settle down and get married.
      But he decides that his wife just has to be a virgin. So he dates numerous girls and after wining and dining them he takes them home and exposes himself. “What is this?” he would ask each girl, pointing to his penis. They would all look bewildered and say, “Ummm, a dick!” and disappointed, he would take them home.
      After a few months of trying he met a shy librarian named Ann, he took her out, the same routine, shows himself and says, “What’s this?”.
      Ann replied, “I don’t know.”
      Ecstatic, he marries her and on their honeymoon night he takes her hand and placing it on his dick says, “Now dear, this is a dick!”
      “Oh no honey,” says Ann, “A dick is much bigger than that, and black!”

      33)
      Two brothers enlisting in the army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
      “How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.
      “It’s hereditary,sir!” the older one replied.
      “I see,” said the doctor, “Your father is the reason for your elongated penises!”
      “No sir, our mother is!” the younger one replied.
      “Your mother? Don’t be stupid, woman do not have penises!”
      “I know sir” replied the older brother, “but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bath, she had to manage as best as she could!”

      34)
      What’s the most active muscle in a woman?
      The penis!

      35)
      What do rubik cubes and penises have in common?
      The more you play with them the harder they get!

      36)
      Why did God give men penises?
      So we would have at least one way to shut a woman up!

      37)
      What’s the difference between a pay cheque and a penis?
      You can always find a girl who will blow your paycheque for you!

      38)
      One summer, the company that Dave worked for transferred him to another city, and Dave was told that he had to take a new physical with the company doctor.
      All the tests came out fine, but the doctor remarked that Dave had the smallest dick he had ever seen, “Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?” asked the doctor.
      “Shit, no,” said Dave, “I have three kids, a wife, a great sex life. But I do sometimes have a problem finding it in the daytime.”
      “What about at night?” asked the doctor.
      “Nights are no problem,” said Dave, “Because there are two of us looking for it!”

      39)
      Two five year old boys are standing at the potty waiting to pee.
      One says, “Your thing doesn’t have any skin on it!”
      “I’ve been circumcised.” the other boy replied.
      “What’s that mean?” asked the first boy.
      “It means they cut the skin off the end.”
      “How old were you when it was cut off then?”
      “My mum said I was two days old.”
      “Did it hurt?”
      “You bet it hurt. I couldn’t walk for a year!”

      40)
      A guy walks into a clock shop, walks up to the girl at the counter, undoes his fly and puts his cock on the counter.
      The girl behind the counter says, “Excuse me sir, this is a clock shop, not a cock shop!”
      So the guy says, “So put two hands and a face on it!”

      41)
      A guy walked into the doctor’s surgery for an appointment.
      “Would you like to tell me your problem?” the pretty receptionist said, “I will need the information for the doctor.”
      “It’s rather embarrassing,” the guy stammered, “You see, I have a very large and constant erection.”
      “Well, the doctor is very busy today,” said the receptionist, “but maybe I can squeeze you in!”

      42)
      A guy was out with his girlfriend one day in the car when they both decided to drive down a country road. The guy then pretended to run out of petrol, hoping to strike it lucky with his girlfriend.
      His girlfriend is having none of it however, and she takes $50 out of her purse, gives it to her boyfriend and tells him to get some fuel at the petrol station a few miles down the road.
      The guy grudgingly agreed, but he needed to take a piss first. The guy goes behind a tree and starts peeing, when suddenly his girlfriend lights a cigarette near the fuel tank and the car violently explodes.
      After all the smoke has cleared his girlfriend says, “Honey, help me find my purse, it’s disappeared!”
      “First help me find my right hand,” said the man, “It’s got my dick in it!”

      43)
      What long and hard and full of semen?
      A submarine!

      44)
      Whats the definition of small?
      “Is it in yet?”

      45)
      Why is a man’s penis like a snowstorm?
      Because you don’t know when it’s coming, or how many inches you will get and how long it will stay!

      46)
      Two friends were sitting on a bridge drinking beer when eventually they both have to take a piss.
      Wanting to impress his friend the first guy pulled his cock out, began pissing and said, “Ewwww this water is cold!”
      “And deep too!” said the other.

      47)
      What’s twelve inches long and white?
      Nothing!

    171. Fenwick said,

      January 20, 2012 at 4:43

      Everybody knows dead men tell no tales.

    172. Pupienus said,

      January 20, 2012 at 4:51

      What the MOTHERFUCKING fucking fuckety fuck? did I just see most of the Rethuglican Candy dates (or perhaps candid ates, though they aren’t sweet but are certainly fruity for certain values of “fruity”) express OPPOSITION to SOPA / PIPA?

      Also, that audience is an amazing sea of white, ain’t it?

    173. Fenwick said,

      January 20, 2012 at 5:02

      Everybody knows Galadriel > Elrond

    174. Fenwick said,

      January 20, 2012 at 5:06

      Damn, doesn’t anybody wanna play ‘Everybody knows’ anymore?

      Does this have anything to do with intervening 47 penis jokes?

    175. Pupienus said,

      January 20, 2012 at 5:15

      Fenwick, you are so out of touch. “Intervening penis” is now called “cock blocking.” get with the program dewd.

    176. N__B said,

      January 20, 2012 at 5:18

      “Intervening penis”

      Veiled varicose reference.

    177. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 5:19

      Everybody knows intervening penis has been cock-blocked.

    178. Fenwick said,

      January 20, 2012 at 5:23

      Everybody knows BBQ > any salad

      Everybody knows Tallyrand > Metternich

      Everybody knows Troy Tulowitzki > Hanley Ramirez

      Everybody knows fedoras > homburgs

      Everybody knows Lennon > McCartney

    179. Fenwick said,

      January 20, 2012 at 5:24

      Fenwick, you are so out of touch

      Not when I’m in my bunk.

    180. N__B said,

      January 20, 2012 at 5:28

      Everybody knows everybody knows everybody knows about recursion.

    181. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

      January 20, 2012 at 5:31

      Everybody knows your mom.

    182. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

      January 20, 2012 at 5:32

      Spartacus knows,,,

    183. N__B said,

      January 20, 2012 at 5:33

      Everybody knows the trouble I’ve seen…

      oh, wait

    184. Spearhafoc, who is having trouble posting said,

      January 20, 2012 at 5:36

      But seriously though, I’m hung like a pimple.

    185. Fenwick said,

      January 20, 2012 at 5:38

      Everybody knows that Any Other Bike > Harley

      Everybody knows Sasquatch > Loch Ness Monster

      Everybody knows Jimi Hendrix > Jimmy Page

      Everybody knows that Chicago > Atlanta

      (Okay, have I stirred up any trouble yet?)

    186. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

      January 20, 2012 at 5:40

      Lennon > McCartney?
      Hendrix > Page?

      zombie lover.

    187. N__B said,

      January 20, 2012 at 5:42

      zombie lover.

      The love that dare not speak its name lest its lips fall off.

    188. CRA said,

      January 20, 2012 at 5:44

      “… many of them are jerks. Yesterday, I was sitting with a friend at the Four Seasons in Los Angeles when Harvey Weinstein, last night’s big Golden Globe winner, sat at the table next to us. My friend smiled at him and said, ‘Congratulations.’ Weinstein glared at him as though he’d just thrown up on his shoes, then muttered ‘Thanks.’ Really, now.”

      Haha. Alot of conservative butt-hurt surrounding Hollywood could be erased if celebrities would just kiss the right asses and make it better.

      I ran into a few celebrities while living in L.A. I Generally didn’t recognize them, on account of my cultural practices. I spoke to a subset of those at certain functions. They seem to like normal human interaction, but I guess they’re wrong to expect it, since “essentially, they’re our court jesters” and generally awful people. Nasty old dick-talkers.

    189. Fenwick said,

      January 20, 2012 at 5:50

      I stopped off a Walgreen’s pharmacy tonight and discovered a Re-charging Station for electric cars! I pulled into it accidentally because the pavement wasn’t marked. When I saw the sign on the wall, I backed up and parked elsewhere.

      I think there should be some pavement marking of some sort (like the handicapped reservation) to reserve the spot for electric drivers. A non-electric was parked there when I left the pharmacy.

      It was the first re-charge station I’ve ever seen in Baltimore. Nifty, huh?

    190. TruculentandUnreliable said,

      January 20, 2012 at 6:03

      OBS, have you seen this?

      God bless Oregon.

    191. S. cerevisiae said,

      January 20, 2012 at 6:39

      Here goes a thread-bomb: King > Lovecraft.

    192. N__B said,

      January 20, 2012 at 6:41

      Sorry, S. cerevisiae: royalty does not trump flying cars.

    193. S. cerevisiae said,

      January 20, 2012 at 6:42

      OK T & U, I am absolutely staying out here.

    194. S. cerevisiae said,

      January 20, 2012 at 6:44

      N_B, I was trying to troll. There is no way I believe that. I suck as a troll.

    195. N__B said,

      January 20, 2012 at 6:51

      S. cerevisiae, I know. There is a small but measurable difference between Lovecraft and a hovercraft.

    196. Spearhafoc, who is having trouble posting said,

      January 20, 2012 at 6:52

      Martha Jones > Rose Tyler

      Obviously, Donna is the best companion in the Eccleston-Tennant years, but that goes without saying.

    197. S. cerevisiae said,

      January 20, 2012 at 7:02

      I blame the fine Oregon greenery.

    198. Spearhafoc, who named his cat Crafty (after Lovecraft) said,

      January 20, 2012 at 7:05

      There is a small but measurable difference between Lovecraft and a hovercraft.

      Hovercrafts don’t typically name their cats after a particularly odious racial-slur.

    199. Fenwick said,

      January 20, 2012 at 7:06

      King > Lovecraft.

      Everybody knows this is heresy.

      Heresy, say I ! The Beer Ingredients Person would be burned at the stake …if there was any dry wood and Oregon wasn’t flooded.

    200. Spearhafoc, who named his cat Crafty (after Lovecraft) said,

      January 20, 2012 at 7:06

      Hovercrafts usually name their cats Spot or Checkers. You know, average pet names.

    201. CRA said,

      January 20, 2012 at 7:14

      “Hovercrafts don’t typically name their cats after a particularly odious racial-slur.”

      Hovercrafts don’t have the excuse of being rather provincial fellows of a racist setting, in spite of being well-read and corresponding alot. That much is certain about hovercrafts.

      (The hyphenated “racial-slur” has an archaic charm.)

    202. Fenwick said,

      January 20, 2012 at 7:14

      Is Crafty indeed crafty? Description of kitteh, pleez. Any other critters?

    203. Spearhafoc, who named his cat Crafty (after Lovecraft) said,

      January 20, 2012 at 7:22

      Crafty’s a grey cat, about seven months old now, who wandered into our house from the rain a few months ago. She’s very sweet and friendly, but has a habit of getting in everywhere.

      I also take care of my childhood dog, a 16-year-old Jack Russel named Gertie, when my Mom’s out of town. Gertie’s not here at the moment, which is a good thing, as she seems to have lost control of her urination these days.

      Here’s Crafty and Gertie together. The camera does weird things to Crafty’s eyes. That freaky blue part is black in real life.

    204. Fenwick said,

      January 20, 2012 at 7:58

      Thanx, Spear. I really like critters. There is something special about old dogs. JR’s are my favorite small-dog breed. super-Intelligent, alert, affectionate, energetic. (Border collies, my favorite mid-size breed, have similar characteristics.)

      I’ll wager Gertie is now more sedate and less frenetic for play than she was in your childhood … but I’m sure the intelligence, alertness, and affection are still there.

      Mostly I’m a fan of mutts. When I get to Albuquerque, I’m going to get a mature shelter dog. Never owned a pet before, and I love dogs.

    205. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 8:08

      Hotshot the kiwi just died challengingly. I don’t know how she got stuck in that cookie jar. I’m sure you know a kiwi demands endurance but I had no endurance left.

    206. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 20, 2012 at 9:01

      OBS, have you seen this?

      God bless Oregon.

      Who with the what Oregon now?

      So yeah, I’m gonna be a consultant on Paula Deen’s new show “further fucking up people’s terrible eating and drinking habits with everybody’s favorite diabetic.” and I’ll be ghost writing her articles for her new magazine “fuck off and buy my magazine you fat fucks.”

      I’m quite excited.

    207. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 20, 2012 at 9:03

      Everybody knows border collies > jack russell terriers.

      Also & too.

    208. Another Kiwi who has a facebook said,

      January 20, 2012 at 10:53

      Kiwis will just up and die on you for no good reason. Little buggers. A cookie jar is a pretty good way for one of them to go

    209. actor212 said,

      January 20, 2012 at 12:45

      Everybody knows > your name

    210. Bozo the Cocksucker said,

      January 20, 2012 at 15:05

      Shorter everything Ben Shapiro ever said:

      PENIS.

    211. steerpike said,

      January 20, 2012 at 15:08

      Everybo knows baseball

    212. steerpike said,

      January 20, 2012 at 15:10

      Oh, and here’s some major heresy flamewar bait, but I’ve come to the inescapable conclusion:

      George R. R. Martin > Tolkien

    213. Tom Allen said,

      January 20, 2012 at 15:17

      Everybody knows that the dice are loaded
      Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed
      Everybody knows that the war is over
      Everybody knows the good guys lost
      Everybody knows the fight was fixed
      The poor stay poor, the rich get rich
      Thats how it goes
      Everybody knows

      Everybody knows that the boat is leaking
      Everybody knows that the captain lied
      Everybody got this broken feeling
      Like their father or their dog just died

      Everybody talking to their pockets
      Everybody wants a box of chocolates
      And a long stem rose
      Everybody knows

      Everybody knows that you love me baby
      Everybody knows that you really do
      Everybody knows that youve been faithful
      Ah give or take a night or two
      Everybody knows youve been discreet
      But there were so many people you just had to meet
      Without your clothes
      And everybody knows

      Everybody knows, everybody knows
      Thats how it goes
      Everybody knows

      Everybody knows, everybody knows
      Thats how it goes
      Everybody knows

      And everybody knows that it’s now or never
      Everybody knows that it’s me or you
      And everybody knows that you live forever
      Ah when youve done a line or two
      Everybody knows the deal is rotten
      Old black Joe’s still pickin cotton
      For your ribbons and bows
      And everybody knows

      And everybody knows that the plague is coming
      Everybody knows that it’s moving fast
      Everybody knows that the naked man and woman
      Are just a shining artifact of the past
      Everybody knows the scene is dead
      But theres gonna be a meter on your bed
      That will disclose
      What everybody knows

      And everybody knows that you’re in trouble
      Everybody knows what youve been through
      From the bloody cross on top of Calvary
      To the beach of Malibu
      Everybody knows it’s coming apart
      Take one last look at this sacred heart
      Before it blows
      And everybody knows

      Everybody knows, everybody knows
      Thats how it goes
      Everybody knows

      Oh everybody knows, everybody knows
      Thats how it goes
      Everybody knows

      Everybody knows

      “Everybody Knows” — Leonard Cohen

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUfS8LyeUyM

    214. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 16:27

      Everybody knows Barry Bonds got shafted.

    215. Provider_UNE™LikeAttillaGhengisHannibal_SteepedInSunTzu&Machiavelli_A_RenaissanceBarbarianTea said,

      January 20, 2012 at 16:41

      Cats > Dogs

      PC (as an open, less expensive, and more hackable platform > Mac

      Hendrix > anyone who has ever played a guitar
      .

    216. Helmut Monotreme said,

      January 20, 2012 at 16:41

      downhill>cross country

    217. Provider_UNE™LikeAttillaGhengisHannibal_SteepedInSunTzu&Machiavelli_A_RenaissanceBarbarianTea said,

      January 20, 2012 at 16:43

      Everybody knows Barry Bonds got shafted.

      The curse of the Upitty Negro is not unlike the curse of the Edmond Fitzgerald.
      .

    218. N__B said,

      January 20, 2012 at 16:50

      The curse of the Upitty Negro is not unlike the curse of the Edmond Fitzgerald.

      Red sky in morning, sailors take warning; red sky at night, bigots’ delight?

    219. kg said,

      January 20, 2012 at 16:57

      left > right

    220. actor212 said,

      January 20, 2012 at 17:08

      The curse of the Upitty Negro is not unlike the curse of the Edmond Fitzgerald.

      Bonds left fully loaded, but he never made it to Cleveland, also.

    221. Provider_UNE™LikeAttillaGhengisHannibal_SteepedInSunTzu&Machiavelli_A_RenaissanceBarbarianTea said,

      January 20, 2012 at 17:08

      downhill>cross country

      Only done the former once and the latter 3 or four times, so had to pause for a bit and while I truly enjoy them both, I gotta agree.

      Give me danger, man!

    222. Provider_UNE™LikeAttillaGhengisHannibal_SteepedInSunTzu&Machiavelli_A_RenaissanceBarbarianTea said,

      January 20, 2012 at 17:11

      Just about to dive into my experimental chicken Jalopeno omelet. Sour cream was mixed in with the eggs prior to cooking, a bit of cheddar, and garnished with a dollop of sour cream.

      Now that I think about it I should add a dash of salt to the proceedings, or at leas have some on hand.
      .

    223. actor212 said,

      January 20, 2012 at 17:20

      Just about to dive into my experimental chicken Jalopeno omelet.

      Not food pr0n

      Food pr0n

    224. Steerdangerpike said,

      January 20, 2012 at 17:24

      Give me danger, man!

      Danger is my middle name, baby!

    225. Provider_UNE™LikeAttillaGhengisHannibal_SteepedInSunTzu&Machiavelli_A_RenaissanceBarbarianTea said,

      January 20, 2012 at 17:32

      I think we need a Pleutron Bomb™. Think Neutron bomb with the plutocracy as the target.

      Hacked up that furball 90 seconds ago.
      .

    226. Provider_UNE™LikeAttillaGhengisHannibal_SteepedInSunTzu&Machiavelli_A_RenaissanceBarbarianTea said,

      January 20, 2012 at 17:34

      Not food pr0n

      Food pr0n

      I am down with the bondage as long as the brownie consented.

      Yummers!
      .

    227. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

      January 20, 2012 at 17:37

      Everybody knows “>>” > “>”

    228. actor212 said,

      January 20, 2012 at 17:51

      In my cups, I decided I really want Ron Paul to win the nomination and then Tebow the convention

    229. actor212 said,

      January 20, 2012 at 17:52

      I am down with the bondage as long as the brownie consented.

      There were seven more, each less wholesome than the last.

    230. tigris said,

      January 20, 2012 at 17:57

      downhill>cross country

      Everybody knows Helmut is a crazy person.

    231. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

      January 20, 2012 at 18:02

      Freeing up the AoLS slot notwithstanding, everybody knows that GDSM > SDSM

    232. Fenwick said,

      January 20, 2012 at 18:02

      George R. R. Martin > Tolkien
      Rubbish, I say! The One Ring alone > George R.R. Martin

    233. actor212 said,

      January 20, 2012 at 18:04

      Everyone knows LSD > DSL

    234. Thread Bear said,

      January 20, 2012 at 18:05

      Hendrix > anyone who has ever played a guitar

      Yeah, but what about Stuart Cassels?

    235. Fenwick from 1968 said,

      January 20, 2012 at 18:10

      Everyone knows LSD > DSL

      True this.

    236. Thread Bear said,

      January 20, 2012 at 18:14

      Everybody knows the One Ring >Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky > Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone > Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die

    237. Helmut Monotreme said,

      January 20, 2012 at 18:16

      Everybody knows onion rings > the one ring

    238. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 18:26

      Everybody knows onion rings=vagina.

    239. Lawnguylander said,

      January 20, 2012 at 18:26

      Sadly, No! all-time fave Ben Shapiro

      Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Are you saying he’s the number one fav or part of a set of all time favs? If it’s the former, c’mon now, everybody knows, Todd Seavey > Ben Shapiro.

    240. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 18:30

      Everybody knows Amber Pawlik>Paula Deen.

    241. Lawnguylander said,

      January 20, 2012 at 18:31

      Everbody knows rating for Jerry > rating for Tom.

    242. Lawnguylander said,

      January 20, 2012 at 18:33

      Everybody knows dead Yankee fan > live Yankee fan.

    243. Lawnguylander said,

      January 20, 2012 at 18:35

      Everybody knows Iris > the cool coach.

    244. Helmut Monotreme said,

      January 20, 2012 at 18:35

      everybody knows Yankees fan = Red Sox Fan

    245. tigris said,

      January 20, 2012 at 18:45

      Helmut has a death wish.

    246. Pupienus said,

      January 20, 2012 at 18:47

      I thought the point was to provoke angry reaction.

      Everybody knows BMW > Ducati

    247. Pupienus said,

      January 20, 2012 at 18:51

      OBS AND S. c – Are you guys taking the day off? Heard they closed the campus and cancelled classes. Hope you’re okay down there. The Willamette is still rising but hasn’t engulfed Ross Island yet so it’s not as bad as it might be.

    248. Lawnguylander said,

      January 20, 2012 at 18:52

      Everybody knows angry reactions > pet pictures.

    249. N__B said,

      January 20, 2012 at 18:52

      Everybody knows ice storms > hurricanes.

    250. Helmut Monotreme said,

      January 20, 2012 at 18:55

      Everybody knows BMW > Ducati

      I know you are trollin me, but I will bite.
      BMW is only better than Ducati on historical reliability. These days, a Ducati is not more expensive to operate than a BMW. (To be fair, parts availability for BMW is probably better)
      They are about even on price.
      They are about even on performance. right now, I believe Ducati has the edge with the 1199.
      BMW has been in the business longer
      Long enough to make lots of motorcycles for the Wehrmacht, for instance.
      I believe Ducati has the edge when it comes to race wins, though I am not sure which resource I would use to check that.

    251. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 18:57

      Everyone > Steelers fans

    252. Thread Bear said,

      January 20, 2012 at 18:57

      Everybody knows > Everybody knows

    253. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 18:58

      Teboners > Rapethisbergers

    254. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 18:59

      Sorry vacuumslayer, I had to do it. You’re still my favorite girl despite being not hating the Steelers.

    255. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:00

      Diabetes > Rabbit food

    256. Spearhafoc, who named his cat Crafty (after Lovecraft) said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:01

      DC > Marvel

    257. Pupienus said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:02

      Etta James died. Etta James > just about anyone singing today

    258. Helmut Monotreme said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:05

      (Dark Horse & Impact) > DC

    259. vacuumslayer said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:06

      hey, tsam, I thought this might make you chuckle

    260. Thread Bear said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:07

      AC > DC

      Black Sabbath > ACDC

    261. Helmut Monotreme said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:10

      Treating Diabetes > leaving diabetes go untreated and dying of infection after doctors take the second leg off below the knee.

      My Aunt died that way 2 years ago. She was unpleasant, contrary, cantankerous, self righteous and thoroughly unlikeable. If she had paid attention to her doctors, she would have been all of the above for another 15-20 years. Fuck diabetes.

    262. Steerpike said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:10

      Black Keys>Black Crows

    263. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:10

      Thread domination > proper interweb etiquette

    264. actor212 said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:12

      Everyone knows kneecapping > cliff-o-tining

    265. Helmut Monotreme said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:13

      black death > black lung

    266. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:13

      VS;

      Ok, that did make me chuckle, despite my pity for the poor boy. Be comforted in knowing you have a kid that is cute enough to make even the most diehard Steelers hater think the shirt is cute.

      You win.

    267. N__B said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:14

      Cloth domination > thread domination

    268. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:17

      Also, is that Vodka?

    269. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:18

      Treating Diabetes > leaving diabetes go untreated and dying of infection after doctors take the second leg off below the knee

      No offense intended, Helmut!

    270. vacuumslayer has infinity Facebook friends said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:21

      No, it’s not Vodka. He’s strictly a wine-drinker for now.

      But, yeah,I thought you’d get a kick out of the pics, ‘cuz I’m kinda making Steelers fan look like depressed drinkers. :D

    271. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:23

      But, yeah,I thought you’d get a kick out of the pics, ‘cuz I’m kinda making Steelers fan look like depressed drinkers. :D

      See? Steelers fans GET THEIR KIDS DRUNK!

    272. actor212 said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:23

      Cloth domination

      Silk > Muslin

    273. actor212 said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:24

      See? Steelers fans GET THEIR KIDS DRUNK!

      Mama, don’t let your babies grow up to be Steelerfans….

    274. Helmut Monotreme said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:27

      I’m not offended by the diabetes, just by my aunt’s suicide by stubbornness. Every time I think about it, I get furious with her refusal to pay attention to her doctor’s advice, and by extension, mad at anyone doing the sort of self-destructive, easily avoidable crap that would take decades off their life.

    275. Helmut Monotreme said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:29

      Mama, don’t let your babies grow up to be Steelerfans….

      Actually I think the song goes “Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be Dallas Cowboys… or Dallas Cowboy fans… or have anything at all to do with Texas, really”

    276. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:31

      Everybody knows New Yorker cartoons > LOLcats.

    277. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:35

      I’m not offended by the diabetes, just by my aunt’s suicide by stubbornness.

      One of my best friends’ brother is just like that. He gets admitted to the hospital a couple of times a year. He will be going blind and losing extremities before he’s 50. He drinks excessively, eats fast food constantly, smokes, has no established sleep pattern, etc.

      It’s been very difficult for Wes to sit there and watch this happen.

    278. Lawnguylander said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:37

      Everybody knows Outkast > Dead Kennedys > Beatles > Pat Boone.

    279. Attack of the Penis Joke, Redux! said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:39

      Guy goes in to see the doctor… “What’s the problem?” asks the doc.

      “It’s my penis, doctor… it’s turning orange!”

      “Hmmm, pull down your pants, let’s take a look… yes, I see! What an amazing florescent orange! I’ve never seen anything like it… what do you do for a living?”

      “Well, I used to work down at the mill, but I got laid off a few months ago.”

      “Are you under a lot of stress?”

      “Hell, no! Every day I get up about noon, and go down to the store…a sixpack of beer, a couple of porno movies and bag of cheetos, and I’m all set!”

    280. Helmut Monotreme said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:39

      It’s been very difficult for Wes to sit there and watch this happen.

      I don’t know what makes people give up on life, whether its untreated depression or something else, but it sure is hard to watch.

    281. Lawnguylander said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:41

      Everybody knows Golden Hours > On the Origin of Species.

    282. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:48

      Everybody knows Outkast > Dead Kennedys

      HOLY SHIT YOU DID NOT

    283. vacuumslayer has infinity Facebook friends said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:53

      Why is there a Christian Mingle email in my inbox? Is hubby having a secret, Christian affair?!!!!

    284. vacuumslayer has infinity Facebook friends said,

      January 20, 2012 at 19:58

      I like Outkast, but I’m probably more disturbed by Outkast >ing The Beatles. I mean, I’m not one of those people who says everyone has to say that they are the be all end all of modern rock music, but, come on…THE BEATLES.

    285. vacuumslayer has infinity Facebook friends said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:02

      Is hubby having a secret, Christian affair?!!!!

      It’s the Christian part that really hurts.

    286. vacuumslayer has infinity Facebook friends said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:02

      Well, this conversation with myself is going GREAT. I’m finding myself both witty and charming.

    287. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:05

      Andre3000 is a genius, no doubt about it. But his contributions do not > DK or The Beatles. I have spoken.

    288. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:05

      Everybody knows…oh hey, it’s VS. SSSHHHHHH.

    289. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:06

      It’s the Christian part that really hurts.

      Fuck all the hoes you want, but if you start hanging out with Christians, this marriage is OVER!

    290. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:08

      Guy goes in to see the doctor… “What’s the problem?” asks the doc

      Let the variable Guy = Jonah Goldberg.

    291. Jennifer said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:08

      Gotta agree with you about Etta James, Pup. Do you have the Etta James Rocks the House cd? It is teh awesome.

    292. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:10

      Adele is right there with Etta, IMO. She’s the shizzle.

    293. vacuumslayer said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:12

      Everybody knows…oh hey, it’s VS. SSSHHHHHH.

      Oh, so you all have known about hubby’s hot over-the-sheet Christian lady-sexing all this time, haven’t you?!

    294. Whale Chowder said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:15

      Why is there a Christian Mingle email in my inbox?

      Everybody knows having a Christian Mingle email in the inbox > having a Christian mingling in your box.

    295. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:16

      ASSHOLE.

    296. kg said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:30

      Everybody knows Outkast > Dead Kennedys > Beatles > Pat Boone.

      Truer words never spoken.

    297. Major Kong said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:31

      Cat drinking from faucet:

      http://i40.tinypic.com/2j0jlvn.jpg

      Either she’s not smart enough to figure out how to turn on the water, or she’s smart enough to get me to turn it on for her. I’m going with the second one.

    298. Fenwick said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:33

      Everyone > Steelers fans

      Burn.

    299. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:35

      Everybody knows otters > kitties AND dogs.

    300. Whale Chowder said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:37

      Either she’s not smart enough to figure out how to turn on the water, or she’s smart enough to get me to turn it on for her.

      Does the water get turned on? Does she cause it to happen? Directly or not, doesn’t matter. Cats have incredible mind-control powahs.

    301. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:38

      It’s the Christian part that really hurts.

      Fucking skeezy hoes > associating with Christians.

    302. Marion in Savannah said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:40

      she’s smart enough to get me to turn it on for her

      It’s just part of your duties as cat staff. I’m considering installing a revolving door for my kittehs, but I do get an awful lot of exercise getting up and down to let them in and out. All 4 of them. All at different times…

      Your kitteh looks very much like our Fuzzbutt, who is also MOST particular about her water.

    303. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:40

      OBS AND S. c – Are you guys taking the day off? Heard they closed the campus and cancelled classes. Hope you’re okay down there. The Willamette is still rising but hasn’t engulfed Ross Island yet so it’s not as bad as it might be.

      Yeah, OSU is closed. I’m just hanging out at home, which is on high-ish ground. Lotta crazy flooding and damage down here though, the forest is closed due to landslides, a bunch of roads are closed and neighborhoods are being evacuated. They’re expecting more rain and high winds tonight, so we’ll probably lose power too. I’m gonna head out and stock up on batteries and snacks (not cheetos and lube, honest) in a bit.

      For vs:

      ashley madison > christian mingle

    304. vacuumslayer said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:42

      Skeezy hoes have never done anything to hurt me. Christians have.

      Sub, that was really sweet. But who were the 2000+ people who didn’t like the video? Seems like a weird thing to give a thumbs down.

    305. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:43

      Cat issues

    306. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:45

      Everybody knows Golden Hours > On the Origin of Species.

      Everybody knows Golden Girls > Golden Hours

    307. Fenwick said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:45

      Thread: Thanx for both versions of Everybody Knows. Now I understand the earlier lyrics in the thread, both the Sadlienaut work-plays, and the full lyrics (which I like !

      As did you, I preferred Concrete Blond’s version.

    308. Whale Chowder said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:46

      Everybody knows OOH OTTERS HOLDING HANDS SQUEE!

    309. Fenwick said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:46

      tagfail. I blame bbffk.

    310. Major Kong said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:47

      cat issues

      Looks familiar:

      http://i41.tinypic.com/2llo9wg.jpg

    311. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:47

      Everbody knows Golden Showers > Golden Girls > Golden Hours

    312. Major Kong said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:48

      As did you, I preferred Concrete Blond’s version.

      Saw them in concert a few years back. Still one of my favorite bands.

    313. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:48

      As did you, I preferred Concrete Blond’s version.

      I didn’t, but Bloodletting is in my regular rotation. BADASS album.

    314. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:49

      Skeezy hoes have never done anything to hurt me. Christians have.

      Everybody knows hoes > hose

      But I don’t know why we’re talking about gardening now.

    315. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:49

      Here is why you love Concrete Blond.

      You do. Just admit it.

    316. vacuumslayer has infinity Facebook friends said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:53

      OBS, AM is nearly as offensive. While I am definitely not one to judge in matters of the heart, because, well, I have no room too, they have very troubling ads that are frankly, anti-woman.

      Also, encouraging affairs seems kinda unseemly. I mean, yes, they happen, and…see above…but profiting from setting them up seems gross at best.

    317. Smut Clyde said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:54

      Did someone say Golden Hours?

    318. Major Kong said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:54

      Bloodletting is in my regular rotation. BADASS album.

      I bought that on tape back in 1991 right when I deployed overseas for Desert Shield/Desert Storm.

      One night I was on RSO duty (sitting by myself in a truck next to the runway watching planes take off and land) so I got out my Sony Walkman and started listening to the album for the first time.

      Mind you, I was pretty depressed at the time, what with thinking I was about to die and all. When Tomorrow Wendy played, I completely lost it.

    319. vacuumslayer has infinity Facebook friends said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:54

      I have no room too,

      Well, that’s interesting!

    320. vacuumslayer has infinity Facebook friends said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:55

      Also, if you can’t manage to have a proper affair without a third party negotiating the deal for you, you have no business having an affair.

    321. Major Kong said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:56

      Bloodletting is in my regular rotation. BADASS album.

      I’d take my tape player on missions sometimes and put the earphones on under my helmet. The Sky is a Poisonous Garden was one of the songs I’d listen to before going into bad-guy country.

    322. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:57

      OBS, AM is nearly as offensive.

      Plenty offensive. I can’t believe it’s a real thing.

      Oh, and:

      Everybody knows Myspace > Facebook

    323. vacuumslayer has infinity Facebook friends said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:57

      Is MySpace still around?

    324. Smut Clyde said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:58

      Everybody knows otters > kitties AND dogs.

      Kitties don’t bite your fingers off when they’re in a bad mood.

    325. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:58

      When Tomorrow Wendy played, I completely lost it.

      One of my all time favorite songs. Easily in the top 10.

      I don’t know that imagery in a song has ever been done better than this one.

    326. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:58

      Everybody knows Golden Hours > Golden Hours.

    327. Major Kong said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:59

      if you can’t manage to have a proper affair without a third party negotiating the deal for you, you have no business having an affair.

      I lead a boring life. Never had an affair and don’t ever plan to. Not that I’m especially virtuous or anything.

    328. Helmut Monotreme said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:59

      I bought Bloodletting in 1992 or so, and listened the hell out of that album. I was a sophomore in college so there was plenty of time to sit around the dorm room and listen to depressing music.

    329. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 20, 2012 at 20:59

      I bought that on tape back in 1991 right when I deployed overseas for Desert Shield/Desert Storm.

      Everybody knows dessert storm > desert storm

    330. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:00

      Plenty offensive. I can’t believe it’s a real thing.

      It’s real and apparently incredibly successful. This makes tsam sad to a small degree, even if judgement in this topic is beneath him.

    331. Major Kong said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:01

      Everybody knows dessert storm > desert storm

      I certainly would have enjoyed it a lot more.

    332. Helmut Monotreme said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:02

      I graduated High school in 1991, and I had a classmate that painted “Dessert Storm” on the bug shield on the front of his truck. He was embarrassed and the entire spelling-aware fraction (about 25% of us) of the student body mocked him mercilessly about it until graduation.

    333. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:02

      As does referring to the self in the third person. Time to cut back on the cold medicine. It’s not treating the herpes anyway, I just thought I’d do my own clinical trial.

    334. Fenwick said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:02

      Everybody knows onion rings > the one ring

      Balderdash !

    335. Thread Bear said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:04

      Kitties don’t bite your fingers off when they’re in a bad mood.

      You’ve never met my kittie.

    336. vacuumslayer has infinity Facebook friends said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:04

      I lead a boring life. Never had an affair and don’t ever plan to. Not that I’m especially virtuous or anything.

      Boring? No way. I actually think people who are in successful, long-term relationships and manage to keep the romance in them really interesting. Because honestly I think they’re rare.

      I think marriage is wonderful. I’m just not sure it’s for everyone.

      Yikes. I’m getting all contemplative and serious. Moar otters,please.

    337. Fenwick said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:04

      Lawnguylander !!!

    338. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:04

      I had just gotten out of the Army in ’89 and thought for sure Desert Storm would turn into what the current Iraq war is. I also thought for sure I’d end up driving a fuel truck or an APC over there and dying in an ambush. Luckily, none of this actually happened as far as any of you know.

    339. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:05

      For reals:

      British Top Gear > American Top Gear

      Times eleventy billion plus one.

      I know this because I accidentally DVRed the wrong one. Am I a bad person for now wanting Tanner Faust to DIAF?

    340. Thread Bear said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:08

      Yikes. I’m getting all contemplative and serious. Moar otters,please
      You otter lighten up.

    341. vacuumslayer has infinity Facebook friends said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:09

      Luckily, none of this actually happened as far as any of you know.

      That’s what happened in the alternate dimension.

    342. Major Kong said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:09

      I was fortunate enough to miss Iraq Part II. I was in KC-135 instructor school when the thing kicked off and they didn’t need me badly enough to pull me out of the course.

      The closest I got was deploying to Spain to fly refueling missions as part of the “air bridge”.

      I suppose I would have gone if they’d made me, but I’d have left 10 fingernail marks down the hallway as they dragged me off.

    343. Major Kong said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:10

      British Top Gear > American Top Gear

      Waaaaaaaay better.

    344. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:10

      Oooh, The Twilight Zone is on! Yay!

    345. actor212 said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:11

      It’s not treating the herpes anyway, I just thought I’d do my own clinical trial.

      You treat herpes with aspirin. Everyone knows that.

    346. tigris said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:12

      Everybody knows Golden Hours > Golden Hours.

      I KNOW, I was about to guess his brains were old and scrambled.

    347. actor212 said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:12

      British Top Gear random television show > American Top Gear random television show

      Fixed for accuracy

    348. DAS said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:13

      Kitties don’t bite your fingers off when they’re in a bad mood.

      I’m not so sure about that.

    349. Fenwick said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:17

      Sub: Delightful links ! (20:35). I love critters. Agree on the otters…but not by much. If Sadlies haven’t seen the links, they are full of Cuteness and Sweetness.

    350. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:21

      I’m actually a little jealous of people who are capable of long term relationships. At 42, I’ve just about given up on the idea.

    351. Fenwick said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:24

      Christian Mingle

      Good name for a secondary character. Here’s another one from a road-sign warning that Baltimore (semi-burbs) street constricts:

      Lane Narrows

    352. Smut Clyde said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:31

      I KNOW, I was about to guess his brains were old and scrambled.

      If you can’t see the lions you used to think you could read between, African safaris are not for you.

    353. Pupienus said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:34

      Sean Connery > Daniel Craig > Timothy Dalton > Pierce Brosnan > George Lazenby > Roger Moore

      David Niven deliberately excluded

    354. Pupienus said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:35

      I tried to watch the American version. Really, I tried. I think I made it through three or four minutes. I did try.

    355. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:38

      I’d switch Craig with Connery, myself. I really liked Brosnan in the part too, can’t decide if he is better than Dalton or not.

    356. S. cerevisiae said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:38

      OBS, I’m watching Twilight Zone right now. I am on relatively high ground here so as long as the power stays on things should be fine. My only class was cancelled so I can kick back and hang out in Sadlyville.

    357. DAS said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:39

      David Niven deliberately excluded

      Them’s fighting words.

      According to that august source of knowledge, wikipedia, Niven was in fact Fleming’s choice for Bond: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Niven

    358. Pupienus said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:42

      Moar otters,please.

      Pupienus aims to please. No, it is definitely not SFW.

    359. Smut Clyde said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:42

      Relevant to Oregon AND diabetes!!

    360. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:42

      Everybody knows C3PO & R2D2>Abbott & Costello.

    361. Fenwick said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:43

      Here is why you love Concrete Blond.

      You do. Just admit it.

      Yes indeed, tsam … though I’ve never heard them before. (You selected two nice introductory songs, btw. The singer has some fine pipes. I’ve flagged the YouTube page and will probably browse around later.

      ( ain’t nebber ebber gonna ketchup this thread…)

    362. actor212 said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:43

      I’d swap your last two out but I agree, Poops. Connery > God

    363. actor212 said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:45

      Lane Narrows

      Steep Grade

      (Dutch actor)

    364. Pupienus said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:46

      David Niven deliberately excluded

      Them’s fighting words.

      I wanted to rank only the guys who actually played Bond. His Casino Royale role was NOT James Bond.

    365. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:48

      Everybody knows Wesley Crusher > Robin.

    366. Pupienus said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:48

      Speaking of cute animals.

    367. vacuumslayer said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:50

      I just saw a gay blowy.

    368. Helmut Monotreme said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:51

      Everybody knows Garfunkel > Oates

    369. Thread Bear said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:53

      Heh, Garfunkel may even be > Hall.

    370. Thread Bear said,

      January 20, 2012 at 21:59

      Special delivery, just for Fenwick

    371. actor212 said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:04

      BREAKING: Atlanta newspaper orders hit on Obama

    372. actor212 said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:05

      Heh, Garfunkel may even be > Hall.

      The men’s clothing stores?

      TRIGGER!

    373. Jeffraham Prestonian said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:06

      AWSEL sounds like a nice mashup of “AWESOME” and “AWFUL.” Which, yeah… I get it.
      .

    374. Marion in Savannah said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:07

      TBogg comments upon The Doughy Pantload’s Gangsta-ness…

      Shock collar/shot caller… all the same, right?

    375. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:09

      Everybody knows solid state > tubes.

    376. Fenwick said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:09

      I was on RSO duty (sitting by myself in a truck next to the runway watching planes take off and land)

      I looked for plausible military expansions of the acronym. Here’s what Wiki has:

      Regional Security Officer
      Reconnaissance Systems Officer
      Radiological Safety Officer
      Reconnaissance & Survey Officer
      Runway Supervisory Officer (sorta fits description?)
      Reconnaissance Staff Officer

      I ruled out:
      Rough Stud Opening
      Resident Space Object
      Repeat Sex Offender
      Remote Service Object

    377. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:09

      Speaking of cute animals.

      D’aw, lookit the cute doggie!

      Is that Bogoas?

      OBS, I’m watching Twilight Zone right now. I am on relatively high ground here so as long as the power stays on things should be fine. My only class was cancelled so I can kick back and hang out in Sadlyville.

      Yeah, discovering that there are hours of Twilight Zone coming up on SyFy will cut my productivity a bit today. I love that “Horace Ford” episode that just ended. I can’t remember if I’ve seen the one that’s on now before or not.

    378. tigris said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:12

      I ruled out:
      Rough Stud Opening

      MISTAKE.

    379. tigris said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:13

      Everyone knows Teledildonics > Remote Service Object.

    380. Jeffraham Prestonian said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:14

      Teledildonics is a hell of a word, now.
      .

    381. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:17

      The special effects on this episode are hilarious! Ahh! Meteor storm, get in the cave!

    382. Fenwick said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:18

      Boagas! Wotta good pooch

    383. Pupienus said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:23

      Yep, that’s Bagoas. I think having a dog is a requirement for living in this neighborhood – we gots lots and lots of doggies. Just about every time I walk him someone comments on how cute he is.

    384. Steerpike said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:24

      I was gonna go with Romper-Stomper Ozzie, because Russell Crowe

    385. Fenwick said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:25

      Special delivery, just for Fenwick

      3 for 3, Thread.

    386. Helmut Monotreme said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:29

      Everybody knows K2 > Salomon
      Everybody knows Canon > Nikon

    387. S. cerevisiae said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:29

      There are so many great episodes. It’s cool to see young actors that would later become big stars, sometimes I have to watch the credits to be sure of who it was.

      Yeah, definitely low budget special effects but hey – Theremin!

    388. Fenwick said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:32

      Fenwick is ketchup! Btw, totally superior thread going own. Mutliple commenters have their Groove On today.

    389. Pupienus said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:33

      I once built a Theremin because …. because.

    390. actor212 said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:36

      Everybody knows Canon > Nikon

      CAMERA LIBEL!

    391. Pupienus said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:36

      TBogg comments upon The Doughy Pantload’s Gangsta-ness…

      I stopped commenting over there about the time tbogg took up residence (the two events being completely unrelated) and I don’t feel like starting again so perhaps someone would point out that Jonah, in that pic, is in serious need of starch for those wrists.

    392. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:38

      I once built a Theremin because …. because.

      I s’pose I could search, but how are they built?

    393. actor212 said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:40

      TBogg comments upon The Doughy Pantload’s Gangsta-ness

      Jonah:Gangsta::Marshmallow Fluff:Spicy Foods

    394. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:41

      Theremins need some pretty simple off-the-shelf parts and there are plans all over the place.

    395. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:42

      Heh, this happened just down the street…

    396. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:43

      Thanks Substance!

    397. Fenwick said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:43

      KC-135 instructor school

      I noticed your NG (or Reserve) unit is also a refueling unit. I went to the unit homepage but forgot the location. Is it Wright-Patterson? Are you thoroughly annoyed at yet another barrage of questions from Fenwick?

      Does it matter that the Interrogation course was also held at Fort Huachuca? (Tip: Don’t play poker with interrogators.)

    398. Pupienus said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:47

      http://www.strangeapparatus.com/Theremin.html has a nice block diagram. I naturally used toobz and fuck you S. McG.

    399. Pupienus said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:48

      Everybody knows Captain Kangaroo > Miss Romper Room

    400. Major Kong said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:50

      I noticed your NG (or Reserve) unit is also a refueling unit. I went to the unit homepage but forgot the location. Is it Wright-Patterson?

      It’s at Rickenbacker Airport (KLCK) in Columbus, Ohio.

      Does it matter that the Interrogation course was also held at Fort Huachuca?

      In the Air Force it was at Fairchild AFB in Spokane. It was taught as part of survival school. Back when I went through it was six days up in the mountains for survival training plus escape & evasion. Then you spent a couple days in POW training.

    401. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:50

      Pat Boone just tried to sell me the “Senior Safe Step” bathtub. I don’t think I fit the normal middle-of-the-day-SyFy-channel-watching demographic.

      At least I hope I don’t.

    402. Fenwick said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:51

      Don’t play poker with interrogators.

      But you can easily whip their asses in volleyball. Same thing with Image Interpreters. Tip: Play poker with Image Interpreters.

    403. Major Kong said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:51

      I looked for plausible military expansions of the acronym (RSO).

      Runway Supervisory Officer

      Also known as “Twelve hours of mind-numbing boredom”.

    404. Major Kong said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:52

      Everybody knows Buffy > Twilight

      Times a gazillion.

    405. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:56

      You can have/build a nice kitty-size theremin pretty easily.

    406. Helmut Monotreme said,

      January 20, 2012 at 22:59

      everybody knows bagels > doughnuts

    407. actor212 said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:00

      Everybody knows Captain Kangaroo > Miss Romper Room

      In fairness, Keeshan had bigger tits.

    408. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:00

      Craig > Lazenby > Connery > Brosnan >> Dalton > Moore

    409. actor212 said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:01

      It’s at Rickenbacker Airport (KLCK) in Columbus, Ohio.

      KLiCK? Really?

      They’re not even trying anymore…

    410. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:03

      Another list ranking Craig at the top. I WIN.

      Everyone knows winning > not winning or even losing.

    411. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:04

      Hm….

      Everyone knows Dragon-King > Drag Queen?

      Or Drag Queen > Dragon-King.

      Discuss.

    412. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:08

      Discuss.

      Dragon-King =/= Drag Queen. At least not without a couple drinks.

    413. actor212 said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:08

      Everyone knows Dragon-King > Drag Queen?

      Or Drag Queen > Dragon-King.

      Discuss.

      Top, bottom, makes no difference to D-KW.

      Or his mom.

    414. S. cerevisiae said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:09

      OBS, that Jag owner was an idiot for trying to drive through that. Everybody stay safe out there.

    415. Whale Chowder said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:12

      Everybody knows DKW’s mom > a whore.

    416. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:13

      Everybody knows Wikipedia > books.

    417. Whale Chowder said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:13

      Actually, D-KW’s mom ~= a whore.

    418. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:15

      Everybody knows Wikipedia > books.

      Thanks for reminding me why I try to never look at twitspace.

    419. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:15

      Everybody knows Wikipedia > books.

      Proof of aforementioned claim

    420. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:15

      Actually, everybody 8=====> Whale Chowder’s mom.

    421. Fenwick said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:16

      Never had S-E-E training myself, much less interrogation resistance. Essential for pilots and deep-insertion ground units and such. I wasn’t in the Interrogation course, but hung around with some students.

      Fort Huachuca was an inter-service school: Army & Marines in my class, for instance. There were also Army Rangers in classified (*) courses tailor-made for them. They didn’t mingle; we called them Snake Eaters in the barracks.

      TheiInterrogator Final was a six-day simulation in a mock-up compound complete with MPs, with prisoners (incl civilians) portrayed by Interrogatiopn Instructiors from the other course. (e.g., Officer course; Enlisted course).

      (*) Most Intel School students didn’t have clearances yet. ‘Secret’ was the standard clearance for a graduate. My particular duty assignment required TSSI, i.e.,a full Background Investigation. My clearance didn’t arrive until I had been in Germany two months. Until then, I worked as a duty bod in the Orderly Room.

      Too much autobiography?

      I blame Hiltre !

    422. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:16

      Video > Radio Star

    423. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:17

      The winner:

      HyperViolet111Gene Meyer
      by herpderpedia
      OMG WIKIPEDIA YOUR KILLING ME YOU COMMUNIST FUCKS!!!!!!!!

    424. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:19

      Everyone knows Jaws (the character, not those dumbass fucking movies) > James Bond.

      Only cuz he could bite stuff really hard. And he turned good in Moonraker after finally getting laid.

      Sex…is there ANYTHING it can’t do?

    425. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:21

      Fort Huachuca was an inter-service school:

      I spent some TDY time at Huachuca when I was stationed at Yuma Proving Ground. Fun fact for ya there. YOU’RE WELCOME.

    426. S. cerevisiae said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:22

      hockey > football

    427. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:22

      Uh oh..

      I’m not getting a pulse. Somebody deflibertorize this thread, QUICK!

    428. actor212 said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:23

      that Jag owner was an idiot for trying to drive through that. Everybody stay safe out there.

      Jag owner = Idiot

      No qualification necessary

      Jaguar: The best of British engineering all over the highways.

    429. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:23

      It’s only resting.

    430. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:23

      OBS, that Jag owner was an idiot for trying to drive through that. Everybody stay safe out there.

      I loved the water pouring out of the door when he opened it. I SO wish a fish would have come out with it.

    431. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:23

      Also, notwithstanding teh fact that Rainbow Dash is factually and objectively Best Pony, OMG, I had no idea that Fluttershy was so fucking badass.

    432. Steerpike said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:24

      Everybody probably already knew, although I didn’t discover until this week:

      Pandora > I (Heart) Radio

      Currently digging a great blues mix on teh Droid-o-phone

    433. tsam said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:26

      Everyone knows iPhone > Droid.

      (Ambivalent Droid owner is ambivalent)

    434. tigris said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:28

      The winner:

      I like the “SOAP guy” one.

      Everyone knows Jaws (the character, not those dumbass fucking movies) > James Bond.

      See 17 and 18 esp.

    435. Steerpike said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:29

      Yes, everybody knows iPhone is certainly >>$>> droid. I refuse to pay that much for something that will almost certainly be lost, broken, stolen, dropped in a toilet or rendered obsolete within, optimistically, 6 months

    436. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:30

      I loved the water pouring out of the door when he opened it. I SO wish a fish would have come out with it.

      I liked when he said “I just had it detailed…”

      And it’s pouring down rain again. Yay.

    437. Major Kong said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:31

      Jag owner = Idiot

      I had a beautiful (used) 1995 XJ12. About every 3 months the check-engine light would come on. The mechanic would tell me something like “The frackemajig sensor needs to be replaced” and I’d write a check for $500.

      It got to where things were breaking faster than I could afford to fix them. I finally gave up and traded it in on an Audi.

    438. Major Kong said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:33

      KLiCK? Really?

      Rapid City is KRAP.

    439. actor212 said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:34

      It got to where things were breaking faster than I could afford to fix them.

      Consider yourself fortunate. My friend had one. The hood ornament got hip dysplasia.

    440. Provider_UNE™LikeAttillaGhengisHannibal_SteepedInSunTzu&Machiavelli_A_RenaissanceBarbarianTea said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:34

      LOLCat Bible > King James version
      .

    441. Major Kong said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:36

      I don’t have a picture, but it looked just like this one:

      http://picsed.com/image/1439fa88

    442. Oregon Beer Snob said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:39

      Oooh, I’m gonna have to set the DVR for the premier of SyFy original movie “Snow Beast” — I’m certain it’ll turn out to be one of the best films of all time.

    443. Major Kong said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:41

      Probably won’t be as good as Dinoshark.

    444. Steerpike said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:41

      That’s Snow Beast–that’s DKW’s Mom!

    445. Helmut Monotreme said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:45

      That’s Snow Beast–that’s DKW’s Mom!

      False dichotomy! its both!

    446. vacuumslayer has infinity Facebook friends said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:48

      Dinoshark.

      My head just exploded. Dinosaurs and sharks? ZOMG.

      Yes. All this time you’ve all been chatting with a 10-year-old boy. Now you know.

      I will give all you guys who flirted with me–all 2 of you!–chance to go vomit now.

    447. St. Trotsky, Pope-in-Avignon said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:55

      Where’d you get the kid from then? Are you selling your mother’s kid as your own? What’re ya, a Palin?

    448. vacuumslayer said,

      January 20, 2012 at 23:57

      Now it’s my turn to vom.

    449. Fenwick said,

      January 21, 2012 at 0:00

      TDY time at Huachuca

      What time of year where you at Yuma, tsam? I was really fortunate to be at Huachuca in the spring–their best rainy season–and got to see the desert bloom. It was magical.

      Huachuca is a very nifty post in extreme southern Arizona, south of Tucson, and not too far from the Mexican border. Huachuca used to be a 19th-century cavalry post; most of the old post buildings (from @ 1870-80 ?) still survive. The whole shebang is nestled in the lower foothills of the Huachuca Mountains, which form a dramatic backdrop immediately west of the Fort.

      Fort Huachuca:
      http://militarybases.com/arizona/fort-huachuca/

      I love the desert and dry heat. This is one of the main reasons I’m going to move from Baltimore to Albuquerque this year.

      Prolly too much autobiolography again.

      Just be thankful I don’t prattle on like this very often!

    450. Provider_UNE™LikeAttillaGhengisHannibal_SteepedInSunTzu&Machiavelli_A_RenaissanceBarbarianTea said,

      January 21, 2012 at 0:01

      Major Kong, that is one beautiful big girl kitty Boss of you, you have there. I love the blotchy tabby pattern.
      .

    451. Major Kong said,

      January 21, 2012 at 0:05

      She’s a sweetheart. I adopted her from the shelter 14 years ago when she was a kitten.

    452. Pupienus said,

      January 21, 2012 at 0:10

      Bagoas > every other dog on the planet

    453. Pupienus said,

      January 21, 2012 at 0:11

      Cray .GT. DEC

    454. actor212 said,

      January 21, 2012 at 0:13

      Probably won’t be as good as Dinoshark.

      This may turn out to be the best SyFy original film evah.

    455. actor212 said,

      January 21, 2012 at 0:14

      Cats >> Dogs

    456. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 21, 2012 at 0:21

      Everybody knows goatse > performance art.

    457. S. cerevisiae said,

      January 21, 2012 at 0:23

      best SyFy original film evah.

      Go shark!!

      But it has a long way to go to beat Megashark vs. Giant Octopus.

    458. S. cerevisiae said,

      January 21, 2012 at 0:28

      Obligatory: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I16_8l0yS-g

    459. Pupienus said,

      January 21, 2012 at 0:30

      Everybody knows mutts >>> pure breeds

    460. Helmut Monotreme said,

      January 21, 2012 at 0:31

      Everybody knows Godzilla > King Kong

    461. Fenwick said,

      January 21, 2012 at 0:35

      all you guys who flirted with me

      Most of us know VS is entirely out of our league. She is, in fact, in a Flirting League of Her Own.

      Now that I’m cogitating more upon flirtation, I think all of the wimmins in Sadlyville could easily form a team named the Saucy Wenches. (I could manage, of course: loveable old geezer ‘Pops’ Fenwick, coaching legend in his own mind.) Plus, there is no crying in baseball !

      ((I’m attempting to see if abject worship can open an entry. IYKWIM. AITYD. Also I’m plenty much stoned.))

    462. Smut Clyde said,

      January 21, 2012 at 0:39

      deep-insertion ground units and such
      vDKWr.

      Major Kong, that is one beautiful big girl kitty Boss of you, you have there.
      Are you still talking about Jags?

    463. Thread Bear said,

      January 21, 2012 at 0:47

      Everybody knows weekends > weekdays.

      Woohooo my weekend starts in 11 minutes!

    464. vacuumslayer has infinity Facebook friends said,

      January 21, 2012 at 0:49

      Everybody knows that Random Music Fridays gives me the excuse to link to …Playing now!

    465. Fenwick said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:05

      Bagoas > every other dog on the planet

      I detect blatant bias. Every pooch as its own wonderfulness.

      Cats >> Dogs

      Pshaw. Kittehs are plenty much lovable, but this assertion is rubbish. Rubbish, I say! All sentient beings know Dogs > Kittehs

      Deal with it, peeples!

      Everybody knows mutts >>> pure breeds

      Pup knows pooches. Shelter muttski’s rool.

    466. Pupienus said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:11

      Predator > Alien

    467. Pupienus said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:11

      Kirk > Gorn

    468. Pupienus said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:12

      V-twin > I-4

    469. Fenwick said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:13

      Connery > Craig > Brosnan > Dalton > Lazenby > Moore

    470. Pupienus said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:14

      Laguvulin > Glenlivet

    471. Whale Chowder said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:16

      V-twin > I-4

      You lie!

    472. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:30

      Sorry, but everyone knows puppies > cats.

      Cats are OK but dogs rule. FACT.

    473. Fenwick said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:30

      Everybody knows ACC > PAC

      Everybody knows asparagus > brussels sprouts

      Everybody knows Duesenbergs (*) > Rolls-Royces (**)

      (*) http://www.google.com/search?q=duesenbergs&hl=en&client=safari&rls=en&prmd=imvns&source=lnms&tbm=isch&ei=3_YZT5HROJPegQfV-LjhCw&sa=X&oi=mode_link&ct=mode&cd=2&ved=0CBwQ_AUoAQ&biw=1149&bih=970

      (**) http://www.google.com/search?q=Rolls-Royces&hl=en&client=safari&rls=en&prmd=imvnsu&source=lnms&tbm=isch&ei=ffcZT9CqEsHDgAeh18WjCw&sa=X&oi=mode_link&ct=mode&cd=2&ved=0CCwQ_AUoAQ&biw=1149&bih=970#hl=en&client=safari&rls=en&tbm=isch&q=old+rolls+royce&revid=1460889074&sa=X&ei=gPcZT4HoKsTqggfkhv3SCw&ved=0CEIQ1QIoAw&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.,cf.osb&fp=2e06e0518328e6d7&biw=1149&bih=970

      Man, I gotta re-learn that ‘href’ doo-hickey. I am thick as a brick. Reminder of the template, pleez? I will practice later in the thread.

      This thread has been el grande fun so far.

      *slips into shadows*

    474. Smut Clyde said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:31

      Highland Park > Lagavulin.

    475. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:36

      What time of year where you at Yuma, tsam? I was really fortunate to be at Huachuca in the spring–their best rainy season–and got to see the desert bloom. It was magical.

      I was in Yuma for a year and a half, winter 88 through late 89. That meant temperatures that bottomed out to an absolute low of about 65° and as high as 120° at times. The rainy season in Yuma is about 3 days in early September and it is a natural disaster there. Flash floods, widespread power outages, etc. Yuma is a place that exists solely to rebuke the idea of a loving and just God.

    476. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:41

      Inside <

      a href = "URL HERE”>TEXT HERE

    477. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:45

      There was also a Marine Corps Air Station in Yuma. There is a Harrier wing there, and seeing one of those take off is really something to see and hear (from a distance). However, there was ONE bar in Yuma that catered to younger guys, meaning Marines and Soldiers were trying to occupy the same space. That’s how I ended up snapping a metacarple in my right hand, but that’s a story for another day.

    478. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:50

      Tag fail waiting to happen…

    479. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:50

      <me? Whateber do u meen?

    480. Pupienus said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:53

      Don’t forget to close it! <a href = “http://www.sadlyno.com/archives/36356.html#comment-1255853″>tsam does it wrong</a>

      Gives you the following:

      tsam does it wrong

    481. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:53

      <a href="PASTE THE LINK HERE" title="&#8712;&#10041;&#8715;">SILLY TEXT HERE</a>

      Plus you get a cute lil’ goatse rollover.

    482. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:54

      Handy:

      http://mikezilla.com/exp0012.html

    483. Pupienus said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:54

      If you really want to have fun with tag fail … wait … Subs – is Tintin looking?

    484. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:55

      How do you make that show up without turning it into a link? I tried it lots of times and FAILED.

    485. Snorghagen said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:55

      Chester Alan Arthur > William Henry Harrison

    486. tigris said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:55

      Plus you get a cute lil’ goatse rollover.

      Has anyone in the history of mankind ever said “awwww, goatse!”

    487. Spearhafoc, who named his cat Crafty (after Lovecraft) said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:56

      As a guy who’s been having the utmost trouble getting even a single relationship together, Newt’s history with women is very frustrating.

      Not to go all NiceGuy, but…seriously?!

    488. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:56

      Has anyone in the history of mankind ever said “awwww, goatse!”

      I believe I saw someone on the internet say it just now.

    489. CRA said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:57

      Speaking of teledildonics: I saw Ted Nelson speak once, and he got kinda pissed during the question-and-answer segment, on account of nobody asking him any questions. I sat there hoping someone would be brash enough to ask him about teledildonics. It’s not like it would have taken time away from more important matters.

      There was one memorable questioner. A nerdy dude rambled on in a vague, confrontational manner. When he stopped, Ted just said something like “good god man, I don’t know what you’re on about” and left it at that. Well played.

    490. vacuumslayer said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:57

      Does the text HAVE to be silly? Because I am never like that.

    491. Fenwick said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:57

      tigris: Loved the Alternate Universe movie posters. The small print ‘credits’ are hilarious. Thanx much.

      Thanx for the refresher, Sub.

    492. Pupienus said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:58

      &lt; Produces a <

    493. vacuumslayer said,

      January 21, 2012 at 1:58

      “Has anyone in the history of mankind ever said “awwww, goatse!””

      That made me chuckle.

      “look at cute gaping asshole”

    494. CRA said,

      January 21, 2012 at 2:01

      “You can have/build a nice kitty-size theremin pretty easily.”

      I own that model of mini theremin. Wife bought it as an Xmas gift. I put it together but never finished “tuning” it. Two oscillators need to be calibrated using little screws. The instructions are in Engrish. Really there’s no excuse, though, for not finishing the task. I mean I know what I’m shooting for.

    495. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 2:02

      “look at cute gaping asshole”

      I just want to eat it UP it’s so cute

    496. Whale Chowder said,

      January 21, 2012 at 2:06

      “look at cute gaping asshole”

      Wait, are we talking about Newt again?

    497. Fenwick said,

      January 21, 2012 at 2:07

      teledildonics …. Theremin

      Don’t these have something to do with Scientology?

    498. N__B said,

      January 21, 2012 at 2:09

      Has anyone in the history of mankind ever said “awwww, goatse!”

      Goatse, goatdoo.

    499. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 21, 2012 at 2:10

      Paste what you wanna type in the top box at

      http://mikezilla.com/exp0012.html

      And push “Encode” and Unicode HTML elements will appear in the bottom box. Copy them all, paste them all.

      Subs – is Tintin looking?

      Um…woo hoo! Gay Patriot hit by bus full of Log Cabin Republicans!

      Tick tick…

    500. CRA said,

      January 21, 2012 at 2:20

      “Teledildonics … Theremin … Don’t these have something to do with Scientology?”

      Haha. Theremins work, e-meters don’t. And old Hubbard would probably have viewed REMOTE stimulation of the ladies as some sort of sacrilege.

      A good documentary to Netflix — “Theremin: An Electronic Odyssey.” It’s hard to believe that Soviet Russia kidnapped Leon Theremin from the U.S., but they did.

    501. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 21, 2012 at 2:21

      Note that I apparently should have said HTML SYMBOL ENTITIES. Harumph.

    502. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 2:25

      Why are they called “Log Cabin” Republicans? Is that some sort of attempt to out Broham Lincoln? Does it have to do with logs? Poop logs or dick logs? Why can’t they just call themselves dumbass motherfuckers like intelligent people do? Ugh I have a headache now.

    503. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 2:26

      Theremin sounds like a tranquilizer that messes up babies.

    504. CRA said,

      January 21, 2012 at 2:30

      Well that may be, but he’s a sweet old man who had a way with the ladies before the KGB ended his American dream.

      We should give theremins to babies. I dunno if it’d mess them up with it seems worth trying. Hang ‘em above the crib.

    505. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 21, 2012 at 2:31

      Radiodildonics are on their way, but thus far the picture-quality of teledildonics is suspect.

    506. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 21, 2012 at 2:44

      _⍝_
       ▐
       Ω
       ┇
       ┇

    507. Fenwick said,

      January 21, 2012 at 2:52

      Gonna try some text-replacement for a link, using Pup’s template. Can Luddite Fenwick re-learn this trick? The world wonders … and Sadlyville waits with bated breath.

      US shut down MegaUpload today. I don’t upload nothin from nowheres, but maybe other Sadlies use this? Also interesting in light of the SOPA / PIPA derailing. (Yay!)

      Arrests and raids by Auckland cops is some Upside-Down country.

      Luddite Fenwick has failed again. Thick. As. A. Brick.

      *leaves in shame and sorrow*

    508. Fenwick said,

      January 21, 2012 at 3:07

      Radiodildonics are on their way

      Interested he is. May the Very Special Tingle be with you.

      Nice remote range, too. For some (you know who you are!), convert can = erotic.

      I’ll be in my bunk cogitating on all this.

    509. CRA said,

      January 21, 2012 at 3:09

      Distracted by prefixes (tele-, radio-) and other possible ones, I forgot until just now to question whether DILDONICS is a legitimate discipline at all.

      Ah well, it’s time to drink beer and play guitar awhile.

    510. Fenwick said,

      January 21, 2012 at 3:12

      YAAAAY ! The text replacement worked! (It didn’t in Preview). Thanx to all the Sadlies for remedial tutorials. I’ll try some more later tonight, so I can practice.

      Now I gotta bail for realz. Sadlyville is fookin’ addictive.

    511. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 21, 2012 at 3:49

      Ha ha, I totally peed all over that other comment.

    512. Fenwick said,

      January 21, 2012 at 3:58

      Addictive.

      Marines and Soldiers were trying to occupy the same space. That’s how I ended up snapping a metacarple in my right hand, but that’s a story for another day.

      Wants story! Also, I checked the Yuma base and found mention of only Marine & AF elements; no Army. (Perhaps changed since your gig?) Was Yuma your Abrams-driving post? Or was that Knox? Or both?

      Marines and Soldiers were trying to occupy the same space.

      We HAD to: Marines and Army were intermingled in the barracks. Most were there for AIT (Advanced Individual Training is a person’s military specialty); Marines straight out of boot camp at Parris Island are Semi-crazed gung-ho Rusty-Bayonet-in-the-teeth guys. (Good traits in combat elites.)

      My best friend and study partner at Huachuca was a Marine (and completely unstereotypical). Christ, that is a story for another time.

      tsam: We wants story of busted metacarpal in Yuma !!!

    513. 5thKolumnisto said,

      January 21, 2012 at 4:14

      US shut down MegaUpload today. I don’t upload nothin from nowheres, but maybe other Sadlies use this?

      Grrrr… I do–for split archive parts. That means any hope of unpacking some large archives is doomed and the parts uploaded to other sites are just wasting “space”. I spent a day trying to figure out how much data is irreplaceable now (not much, thankfully).

      A good deal of it was copyrighted but not shared. Too many uploaders have been effectively snitching on themselves and others to make their shared files easy to find. What I did was kind of like setting up a discreet personal cannabis grow in the middle of an open-air drug market.

      Oh well. I’ve got Sadly, No! to cheer me up and The Corner or Town Hall to make me feel less stoopid. The Web giveth and the the Web taketh away.

    514. Major Kong said,

      January 21, 2012 at 4:23

      We HAD to: Marines and Army were intermingled in the barracks.

      My father was in the Army.

      When I was 18 and thinking about applying to West Point he told me “Son, don’t join the fucking Army.”

    515. vacuumslayer said,

      January 21, 2012 at 4:25

      The Corner and Town Hall just make me feel more suicidal

    516. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 4:29

      Its a cool story, bro.

      So me and my fake id (props to my bro in SIDPERS) went to johnny’s bar. Things started out alright. I was sitting at a table across from this huge booger eater from one of those confederate states. When I wasn’t hammered, I was only slightly annoyed by his rambling and chest thumping about saving his confederate money and how badass the corps is and how army guys are such fags and all kinds of other stuff that makes me want to smash faces in. As the night wore on and my youthand a buch of beer started to form a volatile compound, I sat there fantasizing about hitting this guy with a stick. Then an N bomb came out of his mouth. I don’t really remember swinging at this guy, but I bashed him in his stupid face. Since his head bore a striking resemblance to those neanderthal man skulls, two things happened. One of the bones in my hand snapped in half, and this idiot’s brow was laid wide open and gushing gallons of blood. Neither of us could fight after that, and we both continued drinking and talking shit about what would happen the next time we met.

      Ahhhh good times

    517. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 4:35

      I did join the army, and about 3 weeks into basic, they ask me and a couple of other guys if we want to go west point. I thought to myself, ‘self, this might be a good opprtunity for you’. Then the guy giving the little presentation in the dayroom let slip that it required an 11 year commitment to the army. That was the end of that.

    518. Major Kong said,

      January 21, 2012 at 4:37

      The Corner and Town Hall just make me feel more suicidal

      Walk away! Come into the light vs!

    519. vacuumslayer said,

      January 21, 2012 at 4:41

      . One of the bones in my hand snapped in half

      Ooooooooooouuch!

    520. CRA said,

      January 21, 2012 at 4:43

      “I sat there fantasizing about hitting this guy with a stick.”

      Moral of the story, you shoulda been carrying a stick, or improvised one.

      But good story.

    521. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 4:44

      The xray was AWESOME

    522. vacuumslayer said,

      January 21, 2012 at 4:46

      I can believe you guys stuck around with those kinds of injuries.

    523. Major Kong said,

      January 21, 2012 at 4:50

      No man or candidate is perfect. We all have skeletons in our closet. If buried bones became unforgivable bones of contention, the world would never know or will never know another Benjamin Franklin, King David and others like them. We must remember that we’re electing a president, not a pastor or pope.

      Odd. I don’t recall hearing that during the Clinton administration.

    524. steerpike said,

      January 21, 2012 at 4:56

      One of the bones in my hand snapped in half

      Ah yes, fifth base metacarpal, I’ll bet. The one right behind the pinkie. Not much thicker than a turkey wishbone really, and just about as easy to break. Inexperienced (or inebriated, or both) pugilists tend to discover this fact the first time they bring a roundhouse haymaker up against something a little more solid, like a skull, or , in the case of my own 17-year old former self, a plywood cabinet door. Good times, good times.

    525. vacuumslayer said,

      January 21, 2012 at 4:57

      It’s almost like Major Kong is not familiar with the acronym IOKIYAR.

    526. vacuumslayer said,

      January 21, 2012 at 5:01

      No candidate is perfect but Newt “Fat Ham Turd” Gingrich may the most imperfectest one of all.

    527. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 5:01

      I can believe you guys stuck around with those kinds of injuries.

      Alcohol and false bravado are a pretty good anesthetic, actually. The bone is still all crooked to this day.

      Ah yes, fifth base metacarpal, I’ll bet. The one right behind the pinkie

      That’s precisely the one.

    528. Major Kong said,

      January 21, 2012 at 5:01

      It’s almost like Major Kong is not familiar with the acronym IOKIYAR.

      I’m all too familiar with it. Just upset that they seem to get away with it over and over.

    529. CRA said,

      January 21, 2012 at 5:01

      “No man or candidate is perfect. We all have skeletons in our closet.”

      Translation: none of our candidates are any good. If Obama had their skeletons, we’d tear him a new asshole for it.

    530. vacuumslayer said,

      January 21, 2012 at 5:04

      The bone is still all crooked to this day.

      Everybody SHUTUP.

    531. Major Kong said,

      January 21, 2012 at 5:04

      and even humility to learn from his failures (personal and public)

      Heck, it’s not just OK If You’re A Republican, it’s now a virtue.

      O#*yu9qu8o3oriq90w8e3f!

      Don’t mind that. It was just me bashing my head against the keyboard.

    532. tigris said,

      January 21, 2012 at 5:04

      Does anybody give even half a shit who Chuck fucking Norris likes for pres? Still, I must admit it IS funny that he claims moral values, fiscal responsibility, and Constitution-respecting are important and yet STILL likes Newt best. Tee hee, I titter.

    533. vacuumslayer said,

      January 21, 2012 at 5:05

      Hey! Scoot over and make room for my head!

    534. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 5:06

      There are a lot of terrible people out there, and Gingrich is a contender for the title. Given power, that piece of shit would turn into another Pinochet within weeks. He’s the kind of person I openly endorse putting down like any ordinary dangerous animal.

    535. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 5:07

      No man or candidate is perfect. We all have skeletons in our closet. If buried bones became unforgivable bones of contention, the world would never know or will never know another Benjamin Franklin, King David and others like them. We must remember that we’re electing a president, not a pastor or pope.

      So you’re saying we’re past all that HCA hate? What?

    536. CRA said,

      January 21, 2012 at 5:10

      “Who has the greatest leadership ability to rally, unify and mobilize citizens across political and societal spectrums?”

      Newt has the ability to mobilize 65%+ of the country to oppose him. Other than that, Chuck, he loses on this point.

    537. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 5:10

      Does anybody give even half a shit who Chuck fucking Norris likes for pres?

      I’ll defer to the god himself, Gene Wilder:

      You’ve got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know… morons.

    538. Spearhafoc, who named his cat Crafty (after Lovecraft) said,

      January 21, 2012 at 5:12

      Chuck Norris endorsed Gingrich?!

      Well, that’s it then. We might as well call the election now. Norris is the kingmaker. Just ask President Huckabee.

    539. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 5:16

      What’s got me puzzled is that Romney is corporate raider (check), Santorum is crazed bible thumper who probably showers in shorts (check), Perry is from Texas, and somehow managed to make W look somewhat competent (check), Bachmann was just plain psychotic (check).

      So they’re going with the guy who is just nothing but a fucking worthless piece of shit? Whaaaaa?

    540. tigris said,

      January 21, 2012 at 5:16

      “Who has the greatest leadership ability to rally, unify and mobilize citizens across political and societal spectrums?”

      Obama? I mean, c’mon, Obama is a better answer to several of those than Newt, but he SURE as hell is better on that one, unless Chuckie means like CRA says.

      Tsam: hee!

    541. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 5:17

      Norris is the kingmaker. Just ask President Huckabee.

      HA! Nice one

    542. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 5:21

      Everybody SHUTUP.

      Whatever. We’re trying to Christian Mingle here. JEALOUS MUCH?

    543. steerpike said,

      January 21, 2012 at 5:21

      Does anybody give even half a shit who Chuck fucking Norris likes for pres?

      Oh yeah, pick me! I rarely make any major decision without considering the opinions of a sawed-off third-rate has-been low-budget action star.

      Of course, to achieve balance, I will also need to consult a washed-up self-parody of a gun-totin’ redneck guitar playin’ headbanger.

    544. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 5:23

      Who is most committed to follow and lead by the U.S. Constitution?
      Who has the greatest leadership ability to rally, unify and mobilize citizens across political and societal spectrums?
      Who has the best working comprehension of America?
      Who has the best ability to influence a volatile world away from its brink of destruction?
      Who has clear and present moral fortitude?
      Who can best beat President Barack Obama (in and outside of debates)?
      Who has the best abilities to lead Washington politics and politicians?
      Who has the best plan and leadership ability to restore America’s economy?
      Who is the most fiscally prudent?
      Who has demonstrated the highest regard for human life?

      SHAFT!

    545. CRA said,

      January 21, 2012 at 5:25

      “So they’re going with the guy who is just nothing but a fucking worthless piece of shit? Whaaaaa?”–Tsam

      Newt’s not worthless, he says the most exquisite things! He speaks to the conservative heart, like Rush.

      Newt could roughly fuck these conservative voters in the ass and they’d tearfully thank him for it on account of the sweet talk.

      There is, however, some dim recognition that he’s unelectable.

    546. jim said,

      January 21, 2012 at 5:26

      EPIC HARDCORE IS EPIC.

      Also, SOPA wants braaaaaaaaains ($$$).

      PS: it’s glaringly evident that Chuck Norris has taken way too many shots to the head without a sparring helmet – which makes him the perfect GOP nom for 2016.

    547. tigris said,

      January 21, 2012 at 5:41

      He speaks to the conservative heart, like Rush.

      I guess an incontinent bird will eventually hit a shriveled up raisin if it just keeps spewing.

    548. S. cerevisiae said,

      January 21, 2012 at 5:44

      Bruce Lee kicked Chuck Norris’ ass – and ripped out a handful of chest hairs doing it.

    549. Snorghagen said,

      January 21, 2012 at 6:22

      Does anybody give even half a shit who Chuck fucking Norris likes for pres?
      - – - – - –
      Oh yeah, pick me! I rarely make any major decision without considering the opinions of a sawed-off third-rate has-been low-budget action star.
      Of course, to achieve balance, I will also need to consult a washed-up self-parody of a gun-totin’ redneck guitar playin’ headbanger.

      Why settle for those punks when you can tap into the timeless political wisdom of Mr. Dick-in-a-box? When it comes to being an entertainment has-been, he’s got seniority.

    550. Fenwick said,

      January 21, 2012 at 7:08

      My father was in the Army.

      When I was 18 and thinking about applying to West Point he told me “Son, don’t join the fucking Army.”

      My father was a career Navy officer (Supply Branch). He served with the Seabees on Okinawa. Later, in New London, he served aboard a sub tender (Surface ship for at-sea reprovisioning for six subs). My earliest memories are from New London, including when he took me through a submarine, lifting me through the bulkhead doors. My father died of polio the next year at China Lake in the Mojave Desert. i was 5.
      My step-father (Dad is now 92) was an Army Air Corps pilot in WWII. He was a
      C-47 Dakota pilot. Dakotas were the largest Allied transport and cargo planes, best known as transports for paratroopers on D-Day.

      Dad served in the China-Burma-India theater, primarily carrying cargo across the Himilayas (‘the Hump’) from India to China,. He also flew re-supply missions in the Kohima-Imphal battles in Burma. [There was no overland supply route.] He was awarded two Distinguished Flying Crosses.

      Odd, considering one was naval and the other was aviation: During my formative and HS years, I had little interest in naval warfare, and almost none in air operations. (Didn’t really expand those horizons much until college.) Instead, I was completely plugged-in to ground forces and terrain from a very early age (grade school).

      Too much? Well, I needed to practice the text-replacement-for-link drill. It was all a utilitarian exercise.

      Now you kids get offa my lawn! (You too Jeremy Bentham!)

    551. Another Kiwi who has a facebook said,

      January 21, 2012 at 7:11

      Oooh oooh I know Chuck, The Stonecutters! I winz

    552. Anonymous said,

      January 21, 2012 at 7:20

      Newt’s not worthless, he says the most exquisite things! He speaks to the conservative heart, like Rush.

      Newt could roughly fuck these conservative voters in the ass and they’d tearfully thank him for it on account of the sweet talk.

      That’s it! I was wondering where Gingrich fit in my teensploitation-film model of the race. He’s the soulful poet.

      Perry & Bachmann were the jock and cheerleader respectively (or not–your choice). Romney’s the clean-cut class president and Huntsman a barely-distinguishable also-ran. Paul’s the clueless principal. Cain was the liscentious, jive-talkin’ token. Gary Johnson was the stoner but didn’t get much screen time.

      I haven’t decided whether President Obama’s the nerd or the exchange student from Kenya.

    553. Fenwick said,

      January 21, 2012 at 7:24

      tsam: Fucking brilliant story. Says much about you finally exploding after the N-bomb.

      Someone should bookmark (*) Tsam’s Metacarpal Story so that Dennis–should he return to enslime Sadlyville–knows wot sorta badass tsam can be when provoked.

      (* What? You expect a hopeless Luddite to work such arcane magic?)

    554. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 7:32

      Someone should bookmark (*) Tsam’s Metacarpal Story so that Dennis–should he return to enslime Sadlyville–knows wot sorta badass tsam can be when provoked.

      BOOKMARK IT, DENNIS, YOU FUCKING TROLL FACED TROLL.

    555. Fenwick said,

      January 21, 2012 at 7:33

      O#*yu9qu8o3oriq90w8e3f!

      Don’t mind that. It was just me bashing my head against the keyboard.

      Laughter in Baltimore.

    556. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 7:41

      Also, dude got knocked the fuck out and almost assuredly had to get some stitches. I got an Article 15, and I’m sure he did as well. I had to wear a cast for 6 weeks and have a permanent deformity–though it hasn’t interfered with guitar playing or sex, so it’s all good. Anyway, nobody really won that fight. As stated earlier, the moral here is that a dude with a nasty temper and a drinking problem (when I was much younger–the temper has resided to some degree) should always carry a stick.

    557. Fenwick said,

      January 21, 2012 at 7:49

      mincing through minutiae

      This phrase struck me as kinda weird. My eye sorta glitched on it, y’know.

    558. CRA said,

      January 21, 2012 at 7:53

      I guess if you don’t mind the crooked finger, Tsam, then I’m glad you didn’t hit that redneck with a stick. You coulda ended up worse off for it.

      I have some crooked toes that never set right, but no such fingers. Thank goodness, because I need them strong and dextrous for guitar and typing and stuff. But it’s funny you mention sex in relation to your bad finger. Isn’t one good finger enough for sex? I feel out of the loop somehow. I know I could be doing more for the wife, but I’m not sure what you’re implying.

    559. Fenwick said,

      January 21, 2012 at 7:55

      Anyway, nobody really won that fight.

      Not true.

      dude got knocked the fuck out

      If you’re still standing, you win. That’s the rule, troop.

    560. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 7:57

      But it’s funny you mention sex in relation to your bad finger.

      I’m saying that those are probably the two things I would miss most if my hand was more messed up than it is. It’s above my pinky finger, so it’s more of spectator in sex than a participant, although it has seem some action. You’re not out of the loop.

    561. gocart mozart said,

      January 21, 2012 at 8:15

      Bruce Lee kicks Chuck Noriss’ ass!
      http://www.youtube.com/verify_age?next_url=/watch%3Fv%3DFqxnhmeMdJ4

    562. gocart mozart said,

      January 21, 2012 at 8:31

      Gingrich is Cartman,
      Hunstman is Stan,
      Paul is Kenny
      Romney is Kyle
      Santorum is Mr Garrison
      Perry is Butters Stoch
      Cain is Token Black
      Bachman is Wendy Testaburger

    563. John Revolta said,

      January 21, 2012 at 8:32

      fifth base metacarpal

      Yes indeedy. Otherwise known as a “boxer’s fracture”.

      Or so I was told by the enormous Russian lady hand specialist who, dissatisfied with the way it was healing, grabbed my mitt in her Sasquatch-like paws and broke it off again.

      Good times, good times………………………..

    564. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 8:37

      Hee hee. 5th base

    565. gocart mozart said,

      January 21, 2012 at 8:44

      You don’t want to get to 5th base. I hear it involves a shetland pony and two jars of mayo.

    566. bbkf said,

      January 21, 2012 at 8:45

      yeah, i know it’s pretty late and the thred is likely ded, but you know the leadership conference with the environmental god botherers that i was kinda freakin’ out about…OMG…fricking amazing workshop…and bonus: brau brothers ring neck beer…fucking a…more about it on the blog hopefully tomorrow…got rellies coming and work and i’m seriously emotionally and physically exhausted, so it might not be until sunday…

    567. bbkf said,

      January 21, 2012 at 8:47

      It’s above my pinky finger, so it’s more of spectator in sex than a participant, although it has seem some action.

      the shocker?

    568. bbkf said,

      January 21, 2012 at 8:48

      also, too…bushmill’s is pretty effing tasty…

    569. bbkf said,

      January 21, 2012 at 8:54

      perusing upthread, i see i missed more of the great my little pony debate of aught-11 and aught-12…damn…

    570. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 9:06

      The shocker has been done. I shocked to find out that women don’t appreciate that as much as I enjoy doing it.

    571. Fenwick said,

      January 21, 2012 at 9:53

      Gocart !!!

    572. gocart mozart said,

      January 21, 2012 at 9:54

      I figured out who Gingrich really is: Huey Long without the good points.

    573. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

      January 21, 2012 at 10:25

      The shocker has been done. I shocked to find out that women don’t appreciate that as much as I enjoy doing it.

      You’re supposed to warn them that it’s coming- it’s supposed to shock, but not too much.

      I figured out who Gingrich really is: Huey Long without the good points.

      Or a dumber, less aristocratic version of John C. Calhoun.

    574. Fenwick said,

      January 21, 2012 at 11:41

      Gocart: Criminey, I only missed you by a minute!

      What have you been up to? Sadlyville misses your daily dose of razor-sharp wit. Drop by more often, n’kay?

      (You too, Ibn Thundra! And Teh Zombie, too also and moreover..)

    575. gocart mozart said,

      January 21, 2012 at 11:43

      All I am saying, is give my penis a chance.

    576. gocart mozart said,

      January 21, 2012 at 11:51

      Fen, I’ve been lurking, commenting at Roys place now and again and so on. I’m very depressed that Tebow lost. I am now totally convinced that God does not exist and therefore is incapable of loving me. I am just empty protoplasm in an unforgiving world on the road to entropy.

      But enough about me, howyadoin?

    577. gocart mozart said,

      January 21, 2012 at 12:01

      I figured out who Gingrich really is: Huey Long without the good points.

      Or a dumber, less aristocratic version of John C. Calhoun.

      Let’s compromise, a more corporate friendly George Wallace.

    578. gocart mozart said,

      January 21, 2012 at 12:05

      Upon further reflection . . . Newt is a Wall Street Huey Long.

    579. Major Kong said,

      January 21, 2012 at 12:06

      Dad served in the China-Burma-India theater, primarily carrying cargo across the Himilayas (‘the Hump’) from India to China

      Very dangerous work. Losses were very high due to weather and terrain. The author Ernst K. Gann spent time flying “The Hump” and wrote about it in Fate is the Hunter.

    580. El Manquecito said,

      January 21, 2012 at 15:21

      Of course, to achieve balance, I will also need to consult a washed-up self-parody of a gun-totin’ redneck guitar playin’ headbanger.

      You rang?

    581. actor212 said,

      January 21, 2012 at 15:59

      I figured out who Gingrich really is: Huey Long without the good points.

      Nope.

      Baron Harkonnen in the movie Dune

    582. Major Kong said,

      January 21, 2012 at 16:08

      I figured out who Gingrich really is: Huey Long without the good points.

      More like Augusto Pinochet minus the charm.

    583. tigris said,

      January 21, 2012 at 17:00

      I’m very depressed that Tebow lost. I am now totally convinced that God does not exist and therefore is incapable of loving me.

      Hell’s bells, lad, even as an atheist I can tell you that’s not enough to prove atheism: have you compared Brady to Tebow? Any non-imaginary god could see at least as well as you can(except non-imaginary Io, Azathoth, and Samael, and even they have ears), who do YOU think is going to get the nod?

    584. bbkf said,

      January 21, 2012 at 17:06

      The shocker has been done. I shocked to find out that women don’t appreciate that as much as I enjoy doing it.

      i laffed so hard that hubbkf called out from the other room to see if i was okay…

    585. steerpike said,

      January 21, 2012 at 17:08

      Baron Harkonnen in the movie Dune

      Yup

    586. bbkf said,

      January 21, 2012 at 17:14

      ’m very depressed that Tebow lost. I am now totally convinced that God does not exist and therefore is incapable of loving me.

      this week’s local rag contained a letter to the editor from a former pot-head biker dude friend of ours who now rides harley with jc and the gang…it was all about how we as a country have ‘no problem talking about the big game’ but shy away from talking about the big guy…this right there made me say ‘wtf is he talking about? i can’t get through one day around here without hearing about god and jesus at least ten times…and no, that does not include the times i say goddammit! anyhoo, he went on to talk about how in high school tebow would put john 3:16 under his eyes with whatever that black stuff is and the big ol’ meanies at nfl won’t let him do it BUT in his last game he got 316 yards and threw something about 316 or some such nonsense…so he is wondering how we can disbelieve miracles such as this…god is CLEARLY trying to put this verse out there in a manner all amurkans can understand…

      after hubbkf read this hogwash, he shook his head and wondered what had happened in dude’s life to turn him into such a major god botherer…we have no idea, although i suspect it comes from work where he has slowly risen in the ranks of a god-fearing construction company…

      we both agreed that a god who favors tebow and personally helps him achieve victory yet lets children suffer abject poverty and/or abuse is a huge d-bag…

    587. steerpike said,

      January 21, 2012 at 17:22

      god is CLEARLY trying to put this verse out there in a manner all amurkans can understand…

      Remember when God could do really awesome shit like parting the Red Sea or moving mountains? He must have really let Himself go: all he can manage these days is helping third-rate overhyped quarterbacks make passes, or show up on burned toast

    588. Major Kong said,

      January 21, 2012 at 17:43

      all he can manage these days is helping third-rate overhyped quarterbacks make passes, or show up on burned toast

      And help people win Grammy awards.

    589. Exford legs said,

      January 21, 2012 at 18:21

      Everybody knows old stuff > new stuff

      Popularity would say that Everybody > knowing

    590. Exford legs said,

      January 21, 2012 at 18:29

      Shapiro’s a lawyer, right? Doesn’t ‘everybody knows…’ set off the bullshit alarm as much as ‘clearly…’?

    591. N__B said,

      January 21, 2012 at 19:24

      Everybody knows argumentum ad populum > argumentum ad hominem.

    592. Pupienus said,

      January 21, 2012 at 19:39

      Awshit. Chuckles endorsement of the Newt makes me lose hope that Newt will be the nominee. I’d LOVE to see it. Newt would win maybe SC and that’s it. It would be lovely.

    593. vacuumslayer said,

      January 21, 2012 at 19:46

      The idea of Newtie winning makes me giddy as a schoolgirl.

    594. testing said,

      January 21, 2012 at 20:28

      So you don’t have to bracket these things at all?

    595. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 21, 2012 at 20:28

      Everybody knows argumentum ad populum > argumentum ad hominem.

      THIS PROVES STAR WARS WAS GOOD.

    596. El Manquecito said,

      January 21, 2012 at 20:36

      vacuumslayer said,
      January 21, 2012 at 19:46

      The idea of Newtie winning makes me giddy as a schoolgirl.

      Likewise. I’m reading last Sunday’s NYT Bai article on SC and was thinking it might be time for some of those cool Newt2012 stickers and swag. Good camo when I’m back in GA.

    597. N__B said,

      January 21, 2012 at 20:44

      THIS PROVES STAR WARS WAS GOOD.

      Without clicking on the link I know it contains goatse, of the mental variety if not the physical variety.

    598. Exford legs said,

      January 21, 2012 at 20:59

      Star Wars

      goatse

      ‘Beggar’s Canyon’?

    599. J Neo Marvin said,

      January 21, 2012 at 20:59

      Everybody (Sadly) Knows

    600. J Neo Marvin said,

      January 21, 2012 at 21:03

      Everybody (Sadly) Knows that WordPress sucks. Maybe it will work this time?

    601. J Neo Marvin said,

      January 21, 2012 at 21:03

      “Your comment has been added. Thank you! No, we won’t let you see it!” Mmmmmkay…

    602. Anonymous said,

      January 21, 2012 at 21:14

      Who can best beat President Barack Obama (in debates and with a switch)?

    603. Ricardo Montalban said,

      January 21, 2012 at 21:20

      Cordoba!

    604. Ricardo Montalban said,

      January 21, 2012 at 21:20

      Fine Corinthian leather.

    605. vacuumslayer said,

      January 21, 2012 at 21:20

      No one. Perhaps another democrat. No republican.

      It’s not that I’m an Obama fangirl, but those no sense in pretending he’s not incredibly bright and knows how to stay cool.

    606. Jeffraham Prestonian said,

      January 21, 2012 at 21:30

      Fine Corinthian leather.

      Volare! Whoa-o.
      Volare! Whoa-o-o-o!
      .

    607. Pupienus said,

      January 21, 2012 at 21:30

      I laughed when Newticles talked about debating Obama and said “he can use the teleprompter…” The sea of white that was the audience was awash with nudges and whispers – “Oh, good one Newt!” “Hahahaha he said Obama is so stupid BECAUSE HE IS STOOPID1!ELEVEN!!!WOLVERINES!

    608. Jeffraham Prestonian said,

      January 21, 2012 at 21:33

      Oh, and…

      KHAN!!!!!!!!

      (echoechoecho)
      .

    609. steerpike said,

      January 21, 2012 at 21:36

      Compare and contrast:
      Clip of scowling Newt intoning that “Obama is the greatest danger America has ever faced”, and “America cannot survive another four years under this dangerous man…”

      Clip of smiling, relaxed president singing a line from Al Green song, to thunderous applause and cheers.

      Never mind the rabid, frothing GOP debate audiences–which clip plays better for sensible, moderate Americans?

    610. Exford legs said,

      January 21, 2012 at 21:36

      teleprompter

      Yeah, he can use it. Just wash it off afterwards. Have you considered other electronic pleasure items from the Mantric range?

    611. Smut Clyde said,

      January 21, 2012 at 21:39

      Everybody knows argumentum ad populum > argumentum ad hominem.
      But argumentum ad baculum > argumentum ad populum.

    612. N__B said,

      January 21, 2012 at 21:44

      But argumentum ad baculum > argumentum ad populum.

      MMMMMM….bacon.

    613. Pupienus said,

      January 21, 2012 at 21:49

      Scott Bakula > no one

    614. N__B said,

      January 21, 2012 at 21:51

      Blacula > Bakula

    615. John Revolta said,

      January 21, 2012 at 22:18

      Yeah, but………………everybody knew that Gore would kick Bush’s ass in the debates. Too.

    616. vacuumslayer said,

      January 21, 2012 at 22:20

      Well, be that as it may, I reckon more people will want to have a beer with Obama than a giant walking, farting ham.

    617. Pupienus said,

      January 21, 2012 at 22:33

      It’s ALWAYS sarcoidosis but it’s NEVER sarcoidosis.

    618. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 22:41

      Argument ad speculum > argument ad vaculum

    619. Provider_UNE™LikeAttillaGhengisHannibal_SteepedInSunTzu&Machiavelli_A_RenaissanceBarbarianTea said,

      January 21, 2012 at 22:42

      Blacula > Bakula

      Must resist urge to pile on…
      .

    620. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 22:49

      I vote we make VS take a pic of herself in a hideous sweater and sign up for Christian Mingle. All in favor?

    621. vacuumslayer has infinity Facebook friends said,

      January 21, 2012 at 22:57

      No, no. I’m going to wear a white dress to the Purity Ball, wherein I wear a white dress and pledge my virginity to my father and “marry” him. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go vomit up all my internal organs and poor bleach into my ear.

    622. White Dress said,

      January 21, 2012 at 22:57

      I’m so nice you have to mention me twice!

    623. vacuumslayer has no Facebook friends because she cannot spell said,

      January 21, 2012 at 22:58

      also “pour”

    624. N__B said,

      January 21, 2012 at 22:58

      Must resist urge to pile on…

      Why resist?

    625. Newt Gingrich said,

      January 21, 2012 at 23:00

      Is there a pile-on going on? HOT.

    626. Major Kong said,

      January 21, 2012 at 23:02

      I was actually a pioneer of the whole “Purity” concept.

      However, it was due to the fact that I couldn’t get laid in a women’s prison with a suitcase full of free pardons and not to any particular virtue on my part.

    627. Newt Gingrich said,

      January 21, 2012 at 23:08

      Lol, Major Kong. That sounds like a southernism.

    628. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 23:09

      Ok that shit is CREEPY. Vs trolls the dark underbelly of humanity

    629. tsam said,

      January 21, 2012 at 23:10

      In a white dress white dress.

    630. Major Kong said,

      January 21, 2012 at 23:10

      I spent 9 years of my Air Force career in the deep south, so I probably picked up a few.

    631. Provider_UNE™LikeAttillaGhengisHannibal_SteepedInSunTzu&Machiavelli_A_RenaissanceBarbarianTea said,

      January 21, 2012 at 23:11

      Why resist?

      I dunno, I guess I have a feeling the Bakula is probably a pretty nice person in real life, though I could barely tolerate the two shows he was on, and I am as big a sci-fi geek as anyone around here. I think both shows would have been infinitely better with someone else, anyone else in the lead roles.

      Do you ever get the feeling when watching something that one or more actors were cast because someone owed their parents (or some other relative) a really, really, big favor?

      That’s the feeling I get about Bakula.
      .

    632. Major Kong said,

      January 21, 2012 at 23:12

      Not only do I find the whole “Purity Ball” thing creepy on so many levels, I don’t even understand it.

      I mean, if you don’t want to have sex, then don’t have sex.

      I didn’t have to attend a “Not Going to Steal Cars” ball and wear a “Not Going to Steal Cars” ring to keep from becoming a car thief.

    633. Provider_UNE™LikeAttillaGhengisHannibal_SteepedInSunTzu&Machiavelli_A_RenaissanceBarbarianTea said,

      January 21, 2012 at 23:13

      Ok that shit is CREEPY. Vs trolls the dark underbelly of humanity

      Ahhh tsam was hithertoo unaware of the concept of the Purity Ball.

      I am glad I got to witness the reaction of discovery. :)
      .

    634. Provider_UNE™LikeAttillaGhengisHannibal_SteepedInSunTzu&Machiavelli_A_RenaissanceBarbarianTea said,

      January 21, 2012 at 23:19

      I didn’t have to attend a “Not Going to Steal Cars” ball and wear a “Not Going to Steal Cars” ring to keep from becoming a car thief.

      One “could” argue that they didn’t cover Purity Ball stuff in the Ten Commandments.

      The sad thing is that I suspect (hope someone does a longitudinal study sometime or that one is currently under way) that a higher percentage of the girls attending these Balls will have lost their virginity before 18 than girls who are not coerced into the pledge.

      And Kong, I find it highly suspect that you could not get laid in a womens prison with a suitcase full of pardons, but thanks for reminding me of that hilarious turn of phrase.
      .

    635. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 21, 2012 at 23:28

      Yeah, but………………everybody knew that Gore would kick Bush’s ass in the debates.

      He did, but it turned out nobody cared, and also he seemed like kind of an asshole doing it.

      Which makes me wonder why being an asshole is such a positive for, say, Newt.

    636. N__B said,

      January 21, 2012 at 23:31

      Do you ever get the feeling when watching something that one or more actors were cast because someone owed their parents (or some other relative) a really, really, big favor?

      The phrase used in my office to describe why certain incompetent contractors keep getting put on bidders’ lists is that they have pictures of the owner in bed with a goat and the goat’s on top.

      I’ve got nothing against Bakula except his acting.

    637. Exford legs said,

      January 21, 2012 at 23:47

      Everybody knows it’s sarcoidosis until it’s not sarcoidosis.

    638. Exford legs said,

      January 21, 2012 at 23:52

      Don’y worry, I’m always doing a longitudinal study of girls attending these balls.

    639. Jeffraham Prestonian said,

      January 22, 2012 at 0:28

      Also, too… fine cat pimpin’.
      .

    640. Privatize the Profits! Socialize the Costs! said,

      January 22, 2012 at 0:41

      I didn’t have to attend a “Not Going to Steal Cars” ball and wear a “Not Going to Steal Cars” ring to keep from becoming a car thief.

      A good point, that.

      That’s why us atheists don’t have TV evangelists shilling our point of view.

      An idea like “2 + 2 = 4″ pretty much sells itself.

      You need a lot of bullshit and salesmanship to sell an idea like “2 + 2 = 17″.

    641. Pupienus said,

      January 22, 2012 at 0:48

      You need a lot of bullshit and salesmanship to sell an idea like “2 + 2 = 17?.

      That’s what one would think, if one were prone to thinking. Thing is, they sell a metric fuckton of it every day. To people who are averse to thinking.

    642. Major Kong said,

      January 22, 2012 at 0:49

      fine cat pimpin

      Hard to tell in black & white, but Larry looks like a Siamese.

    643. gocart mozart said,

      January 22, 2012 at 0:54

      My life sucks. I blame Jesus.

    644. tigris said,

      January 22, 2012 at 0:59

      GOCART’S FAITH IS BACK! All hail Tebow!

    645. rodert rudis said,

      January 22, 2012 at 1:17

      CNN:

      “This is a historical primary race.”

      “Santorum won Iowa, Romney won New Hampshire, and now, well it looks like Gingrich will win South Carolina, so this is historical, history is being made here, real history.”

      “Yeah, this is historical.”

      (Ari Fleischer: I predicted this last night. I predicted that Newt would win by five points.)

      All together now: “THIS IS HISTORICAL”‘

      “That’s right Gloria, it’s historical. If history serves as any guide as it usually does in these Republican primaries, Gingrich could win here, creating history, and leave South Carolina with the impetus of a historical win behind him. Historical, yes it is.”

      “But we cannot forget that Romney is in it for the long hall.”

      “That’s right, Anderson, he’s in it for the long hall.”

      “Yes, the long hall. Real history here. The long hall.”

    646. Jeffraham Prestonian said,

      January 22, 2012 at 1:21

      Hard to tell in black & white, but Larry looks like a Siamese.

      A fine one, at that!
      .

    647. S. cerevisiae said,

      January 22, 2012 at 1:31

      That sounds like CNN all right. No wonder people get their news from Jon Stewart.

    648. Pupienus said,

      January 22, 2012 at 1:37

      I’ll give them a break, though not a big one. I’m waiting for the spokescritters, fans et al. to crow about how they are “changing history.”

    649. J Neo Marvin said,

      January 22, 2012 at 2:00

      Historic like the Hindenberg was historic, maybe.

    650. tsam said,

      January 22, 2012 at 2:02

      I’m waiting for the spokescritters, fans et al. to crow about how they are “changing history.”

      the FOX people will get a chuckle out of that. Changing history is their gig.

    651. tsam said,

      January 22, 2012 at 2:03

      He did, but it turned out nobody cared, and also he seemed like kind of an asshole doing it.

      Apparently voters don’t appreciate the concept of a lockbox like Al does.

    652. rodert rudis said,

      January 22, 2012 at 2:09

      The long hall? No one caught it. Oh, I know, I’m not very funny even though I laugh a lot.

    653. Jeffraham Prestonian said,

      January 22, 2012 at 2:14

      The long hall? No one caught it. Oh, I know, I’m not very funny even though I laugh a lot.

      It’s all over but the sad singin’ and the slow walkin’.
      .

    654. Fenwick said,

      January 22, 2012 at 2:23

      The long hall? No one caught it.

      I did, rodert! Here, let me practice the href deelie-bob.

      Long haulThe long hall? No one caught it.

    655. Fenwick said,

      January 22, 2012 at 2:24

      Wuups! Double-pasta error.

    656. Pupienus said,

      January 22, 2012 at 2:25

      Sooooooo, 1% in, Newticles at 35%, Mittens with 38% and they’re calling it for the Newt?!?! Makes me verah verah happy but sheesh.

    657. Pupienus said,

      January 22, 2012 at 2:27

      Joe Trippi just said (on Faux, The Ho has the power of the remote just now) he sees a long, bitter primary. I hope I hope I hope I hope.

    658. N__B said,

      January 22, 2012 at 2:27

      From Borowitz, via GOS: “Stung by defeat, Romney considers adultery.”

    659. CRA said,

      January 22, 2012 at 2:32

      “[Gore kicked Bush's ass in debates], but it turned out nobody cared, and also he seemed like kind of an asshole doing it. Which makes me wonder why being an asshole is such a positive for, say, Newt.”

      There was nothing Gore could have done, I reckon. It’s not clear how much of a surge Newt’s gonna have. But I think it’s just difficult to understand our conservatives’ mentality.

      Imagine you’re at a party in the antebellum south. Newt, a gentleman, delivers a spirited tirade about how lazy slaves are and how sick and tired he is of it and them. For emphasis, he corners the nearest serving girl and humiliates her verbally in the crudest terms.

      Afterwards you turn to Newt’s friend, Antebellum Rush, and murmur, “golly, Newt’s an asshole.” Replies A. Rush, “What?! We esteem him for his bravery in the face of colored and Yankee importunities and calumnies so base and numerous as to threaten our way of life!” Turning in a huff, Rush digs back into his prodigious meal.

      To understand that YOU’RE the asshole in that story is to understand movement conservatism today.

    660. rodert rudis said,

      January 22, 2012 at 2:33

      Thanks Fenwick. Those are some long halls. If you look real hard, you can see Newt and Mitt down at the end playing roshambo.

    661. Pupienus said,

      January 22, 2012 at 2:35

      Also courtesy Fox, “this is where the economy fell off the floor.”

      Btw, The Ho is flipping channels – he doesn’t watch Faux except in brief intervals. Really. I mean, he reads freeperville too, always saying “know your enemy.”

    662. steerpike said,

      January 22, 2012 at 2:40

      There’s no way someone with a strange, foreign-sounding name and a smug, professorial demeanor will ever be embraced by a major party, let alone elected president.

    663. rodert rudis said,

      January 22, 2012 at 2:44

      ““[Gore kicked Bush's ass in debates], but it turned out nobody cared, and also he seemed like kind of an asshole doing it.”

      And didn’t Kerry kick Bush’s ass in race #2? I remember thinking, “Shit, I can’t believe it, but it’s over for Bush. He looked like the immature punk ass he really is. This is great!”

      Then Kerry went off on Cheney’s daughter. One of the stupidest responses in debate history.

    664. g said,

      January 22, 2012 at 2:53

      Historical, yes it is.

      Yes, indeed! The first time ever a white man won the South Carolina primary!

      WTF are they talking about?

      Actually, since historically the winner of the South Carolina primary becomes the nominee, I hope this IS a historical win.

      The first time South Carolina’s pick comes a cropper.

    665. Major Kong said,

      January 22, 2012 at 2:54

      Historic like the Hindenberg was historic, maybe.

      Or the black plague.

    666. N__B said,

      January 22, 2012 at 3:02

      I just had an amusing daydream: Romney loses SC by 12 percent and gives a press conference in which he says “You want that fat asshole? Fine, I’m out. Enjoy your Newt.”

    667. Pupienus said,

      January 22, 2012 at 3:31

      Rno Plau giving his speech just conflated SOPA and PIPA with Internet gambling. Here’s hoping he’s rapidly turning into grampa Simpson.

    668. El Manquecito said,

      January 22, 2012 at 3:40

      Feeling the Newtmentum.

    669. Lawnguylander said,

      January 22, 2012 at 3:48

      Yeah, but………………everybody knew that Gore would kick Bush’s ass in the debates. Too.

      A more recent and relevant example is, everybody knew Obama would kick McCain’s ass and look likable doing it. Which he did.

      The debates won’t really matter, though. Everybody knows that the upcoming election is about a bicycle:

      The only candidate who is known to have regularly used a bicycle for daily transportation is Mitt Romney, during his years as a missionary in France.

      The gross and net results of Romney’s time spent cycling over the rocky roadsteads of provincial France are his incredibly stiff persona and an old bicycle tucked away in an old barn in France that gives decent people the creeps when they stumble across it. They do not understand why, but their first thought is always, “this bicycle should never be President of the, how you say? USA.”

    670. Substance McGravitas said,

      January 22, 2012 at 3:52

      Why won’t Mitt release his mollycule test?

    671. Pupienus said,

      January 22, 2012 at 4:06

      Paterno dead. At last.

    672. Pupienus said,

      January 22, 2012 at 4:06

      Oops

      http://www.centredaily.com/

    673. Lawnguylander said,

      January 22, 2012 at 4:07

      Newt seems like the kind of guy I’d like to try to dilute some water with. Romney, not so much. If I see Kathryn Lopez going for a nice long ride on him I might change my mind.

    674. Pupienus said,

      January 22, 2012 at 4:16

      Seen on the interwebz:

      Hey the Demoncrats had different winners of the first three!
      Yeah, and their candidate thatnyear was Mike Dukakis.

    675. Pupienus said,

      January 22, 2012 at 4:23

      Via Sully (who has a very good page up tonight, worth looking at despite his sucktasticness)

      overheard at the Gingrich victory party: What’s with the bowl full of keys?

    676. Newt Gingrich said,

      January 22, 2012 at 4:24

      Please, I put the bowl out.

    677. Pupienus said,

      January 22, 2012 at 4:27

      Now taking bets: if the Newt makes it through super Tuesday will he
      A. Have a heart attack
      B. Die in a plane crash
      C. Exit the race citing family/personal problems

      Bonus: Which high GOP official will deny any involvement

    678. vacuumslayer said,

      January 22, 2012 at 4:30

      Zomg, lil Newtie won! I really do wish all y’all could see the shit-eating grin on my face. Never underestimate the sheer shittiness of the people of the land of my birth.

    679. Spearhafoc, who named his cat Crafty (after Lovecraft) said,

      January 22, 2012 at 4:34

      Everybody seems to be happy about this, but I don’t trust the American public enough not to vote for Newt for president.

      I really saw Bush v Kerry as a sure thing. I thought nobody in their right mind would vote George Bush to a second term. I was right, but I underestimated just how many had already abandoned their minds.

    680. Pupienus said,

      January 22, 2012 at 4:34

      Also worth reposting from Sullivan

      The Bernstein and Larison quotes point to a larger truth: a Gingrich nomination would be poetic justice – or maybe just justice. Gingrich didn’t transform the GOP alone, but he is arguably more responsible than any one person for the Republican party becoming the cynical, reckless, destructive piece of shit it is now. I am not a fan of the Reagan Administration, but there is a big difference – as Newt would say a “fundamental” difference – between the party of Reagan and the one Newt was so instrumental in shaping, the current, decadent GOP.

      The Republican Party of today is the party of Newt. I think the best bet for reforming it is for Republican grassroots to nominate someone who so thoroughly exemplifies it, and have him lose spectacularly. It would also be cathartic for the country if Obama finally grasped the nettle and took the opportunity to definitively crush, rhetorically as well as electorally, Gingrichism and its variants.

    681. Smut Clyde said,

      January 22, 2012 at 4:45

      Why won’t Mitt release his mollycule test?

      Further examples of the molecular-interchange dangers of bicycles:

      President Bush, who liked to lycra up and go for adrenaline-producing mountain bike rides.

      This year, of the Republican candidates, Ron Paul has been the most explicitly linked with bicycling. This fall he held a press conference on his bike to showcase his daily habit of riding recreationally around Houston, Texas.

    682. Major Kong said,

      January 22, 2012 at 4:48

      Never underestimate the sheer shittiness of the people of the land of my birth.

      Given what South Carolina did tonight to keep a black man in office, I think they’ve partially atoned for their previous racism.

    683. vacuumslayer said,

      January 22, 2012 at 4:52

      Spear, while Shrub came across as mentally challenged, he did not seem mean. Newt is both not terribly bright and horribly mean. He is a ticking time bomb I cannot wait to see go off. He has NO FILTER and he looks like an evil gnome. He will be decimated.

    684. rodert rudis said,

      January 22, 2012 at 4:52

      Million to one that if Newt wins the nomination, he will call Obama either 1. Boy, 2. Nigger, 3. Negro, 4. African, 5. Muslim, 5. Communist, or possibly all five.

    685. Major Kong said,

      January 22, 2012 at 4:57

      while Shrub came across as mentally challenged, he did not seem mean.

      Shrub may not seem mean, but there is a meanness there. Underneath the back-slapping frat-boy exterior I sense there is a very mean individual. Maybe not as mean as Cheney, but still pretty mean.

    686. Major Kong said,

      January 22, 2012 at 5:00

      If you really want to see mean – just read the comments here:

      Warning! It’s pretty nasty stuff. Don’t click on it if you’re easily upset.

      http://nation.foxnews.com/newt-gingrich/2012/01/20/sheila-jackson-lee-newt-using-codewords-be-racist

      Sometimes I weep for my country.

    687. Snorghagen said,

      January 22, 2012 at 5:10

      Newt is both not terribly bright and horribly mean. He is a ticking time bomb I cannot wait to see go off. He has NO FILTER and he looks like an evil gnome.

      But his wife can bite rodents in half with one snap of her razor-sharp teeth.

      Shrub may not seem mean, but there is a meanness there.

      Agreed. In W’s case, meanness was expressed as a sort of mocking contempt for other individuals, even close associates. I had the impression he pretty much despised everyone, probably including himself.

    688. alec said,

      January 22, 2012 at 5:21

      Shrub may not seem mean, but there is a meanness there. Underneath the back-slapping frat-boy exterior I sense there is a very mean individual. Maybe not as mean as Cheney, but still pretty mean.

      The received liberal wisdom on Bush is very wrong. He is an extremely intelligent man; he’s just, like many frat-boy sociopaths, completely indifferent to anything outside of the ambit of his various lusts (coke, blood, librarian poon, etc). The authentic ‘Bushisms’ were all about education, welfare, healthcare, etc – he was perfectly articulate in ululating after Muslim blood, after all. He did a good job speaking extemporaneously when he wasn’t bored out of his skull.

      One of the formative experiences of his career was an attempt to run for office in Texas in the 70s – at the time he was the spitting image of his dad, a nationally significant Republican figure. He had smart-sounding policies; he wore nice but not flashy suits and wore them well; he jogged and read. His opponent tarred him as a New England elitist (which he is!) and won handily.

      The next time he ran for Texas state office, he condescended his ass off – and owing to the vicissitudes of the electoral cycle, he won. He took away the lesson that Americans are hate-driven idiots who need to be aggressively condescended to at all times, and if you can pull that off you can get them to bite their own dicks off out of sheer spite.

      Look at his record: he didn’t achieve anything on his own, no, but he successfully coasted through Harvard Business and Yale (while getting there doesn’t say anything about his intelligence, if he had squeezed through on Daddy alone he’d have a B or D average, not a C; certainly he wouldn’t have gone on to prestigious higher education) and his tenure as a corporate executive was only a failure if we assume he was purely motivated by a noble capitalist desire to see those small, recently-formed companies succeed, against his family’s own venture capital stake.

      The TL, DR version: the experience of listening to Bush was being condescended to by a man no smarter than you. The experience of listening to Palin was being condescended to by someone demonstrably stupider than you.

      And the experience of listening to Gingrich is being condescended to by someone demonstrably stupider than you, but having to wade through them applauding themselves for it first.

    689. Guerilla Voters Cadre 18 said,

      January 22, 2012 at 5:35

      he sees a long, bitter primary. I hope I hope I hope I hope.

      Solidarity.

    690. Fenwick said,

      January 22, 2012 at 5:45

      the winner of the South Carolina primary becomes the nominee, I hope this IS a historical win.

      The first time South Carolina’s pick comes a cropper.

      Well, sorta. That much-ballyhooed record only goes back to St. Ronnie in 1980.

      ‘History’ and ‘historical’. How do they work, again?

    691. Da Cool Coach Urban Meyer said,

      January 22, 2012 at 5:48

      Feeling the Newtmentum.

      That’s Conservomentum 2012, bub.

    692. Jeffraham Prestonian said,

      January 22, 2012 at 5:58

      Palmetto State Bukkake Shockayake!
      .

    693. Guerilla Voters Cadre 18 said,

      January 22, 2012 at 6:13

      It would also be cathartic for the country if Obama finally grasped the nettle and took the opportunity to definitively crush, rhetorically as well as electorally, Gingrichism and its variants.

      Like he did in the first 100 days! Hmmmm. Well, like he did in his first year! Hmmmmm. Well, like he did in his first term!

      Now it’s time to Win the Future! Let’s all Hope that he Changes!

    694. Snorghagen said,

      January 22, 2012 at 6:17

      Conservomentum =
      Venom On Rectums
      Morons’ Cum Event
      Rove Conmen Smut
      Scrotum Envenom

    695. alec said,

      January 22, 2012 at 6:18

      While I’m being contrarian and absurd, allow me to paint for you good people a beautiful little visual image I had.

      =

      Background: a close friend is considering joining the USAF, and I figure she could hack it but being an atheist/ex-Mormon I had to warn her that it’s as stiflingly holy-rollery as the services get. The ratio I suggested was that how much risk there was of being blown up in the Middle East was in inverse proportion to how much energy officers spent passing along chain letters about being oppressed by Arabs. My lovely wife interposed, as I struggled for the exact phrase I wanted, “Tim Tebow” – which you will agree is semantically equivalent.

      But the phrase “Tim Tebow being oppressed by Arabs” was now set in stone in my head, and the gears swiftly turned to their final conclusion.

      =

      So Tim Tebow is doing a USO tour, or whatever them shits is now, right? Just shooting and passing and entertaining God’s troops however he can. Well, actually, he’s pretty uncomfortable with how urban the Army is, but what can you do, right? Anyway, he’s having a blast. Boy oh boy oh boy.

      Then: disaster! As his convoy goes from one Iraqi base to the next, it is ambushed by Provisional True Sword of God, mainline branch. Truth be told, they don’t know who he even is – through their shitty two-dollar ski masks he just looks like one of the juice-swollen mall cops guarding the other VIP in the convoy: a Turkish petroleum geologist. (It’s publish or perish all over the world, and baby, Bülent is a publishing motherfucker.)

      Even when these guys’ captives are all safely tied up in front of their shitty hand-painted Shahadah flag (not even embroidered! not even embossed!), they still have no idea who Tim Tebow is. Why would they? Like all foreigners, when exposed to American football for the first time Arabs instinctively find nothing to respect. I mean, would you?

      But still: Tim Tebow, by some strange miracle, convinces them that he is important. He is still wearing his NFL gear; later, they will tell stories of an American who thought powerful magic on his armor made him bulletproof. (Let’s be honest with ourselves: these guys are not great thinkers on any level. Ironically, the closest thing to them in America would be a high-school gridiron lineup.) Wearing this strange suit, he is to deliver a statement.

      On his cheekbones in the negative space of his black eye paint he has written, as what he feels is some kind of clever message, “KORAN 9:11″. (If only they had Snopes in Iraq.) He kisses his jewelry and squeezes his eyes shut. They fail to eviscerate him with one of those curvy Aladdin swords.

      They have to find a guy who speaks English.

      =

      Two hours later, and he’s got a statement. It hits the usual points: Tim Tebow is a hapless pawn of Western cultural imperialism; he is a slave to international Zionists; his blood is on the hands of the Bush-Obama murder machine. (He will not say ‘Bush’, for some reason. They attribute it to modesty.) That is all they require of him, but he goes the distance, as he is Tim Tebow.

      He lifts his arm up to do his strange pitching gimmick. With a look of intense concentration on his face, he finishes their speech. “Death to America!

      The insurgents nonchalantly decapitate Tim Tebow with a circular power saw. Their tape recorder, which makes the whole affair look like it took place in 1993, catches it all. It is as close to perfect as these amateurs will get.

      =

      Within a week, various websites are ‘hacked’ so as their indexes are replaced with this crude-ass video. (Who? Let’s say CNN, and Wil Wheaton’s blog, and the Politico.) Swift action keeps it from going viral, but the gist of it reaches the news. The word “tragedy” is used so often it stops looking like English, and is then used some more. His parents make some kind of abortion comment.

      And that is where the whole sad affair – his whole awful life, truth be told – would end, if it were not for the inconvenient fact of the Broncs, that very year, reaching the Super Bowl.

      ==

      It is wholly necessary that the Super Bowl be a funereal spectacle to Tim Tebow’s glory. This is not a crowd where “runners whom the race outran” will play. A highlight reel is playing more or less the whole time. Not gonna lie: garish as shit. The Broncos then win, and more footage is needed.

      That’s right: tasteful clips from the beheading video. The management think they are in complete control, but they realize the instant they see a frame they did not expect that they chose the wrong video.

      They try to stop what everyone knows is coming, but they are powerless (technology, sheer stubborn luck). A perfect closeup begins on Tim Tebow’s dumb, bearded face, too smug and dimwitted to betray any understanding of what was about to happen.

      As he pulls up into his trademark stance, they do the last thing that is in their power to do: as time seems to slow down and an execution unfolds on the Jumbotron and the live TV event of the year, the footage does not cut – but interleaves.

      Cut to: millions of American homes. In beautiful 1080p HD, on millions of plasma screens as big as a hundred inches across, a white man stuffs Doritos into his mouth – glistening with saliva, a detail no previous make of TV could have conveyed. Chip after chip after chip pummels this clean, handsome white man’s mouth as “Also Sprach Zarathustra” plays, presumably for some kind of obtuse 2001: A Space Odyssey pun the audience will never hear.

      Death to America! ZZZZPLB PLURCH

      Of course, it loops.

      ==

      Tim Tebow’s parents, on a strange whim, read up on this “Sura 9:11″ business, the better to incorporate it into some kind of abortion comment. Struck by the simple beauty of what they read, they convert to Islam on the spot, and then make some kind of comment on abortion.

      And nine months later, a second Baby Boom begins, each baby already wearing a horrible little pencil beard and already smug like only a Christian jock can be smug.

      And history, like so many blood-spattered circular saws, rolls on.

      =

      Merry Christmas, everybody!

    696. Fenwick said,

      January 22, 2012 at 6:30

      Merry Christmas, everybody!

      Evey day is Christmas in Sadly-time.

    697. Jennifer said,

      January 22, 2012 at 6:41

      vs – late to the party, but I did a post on purity balls and what I described as “peniskeeper dolls” a couple of years back – you can find it on the blog by going to the Horrors of Hallmark tag.

    698. N__B said,

      January 22, 2012 at 7:04

      If we cut off Purity Balls we can have purity oysters.

    699. tsam said,

      January 22, 2012 at 7:53

      1- why wont mitt release his hounds?

      2-yay for beer!

    700. CRA said,

      January 22, 2012 at 8:14

      So I looked at Major Kong’s Fox Nation link re: Sheila Jackson Lee, and I found this puzzling comment:

      “Only big ots hide behind calls of rac ism. they see rac ism where none exists. they use it to hide their big otry.”

      Nevermind the bullshit argument, what’s with the breaking up of multisyllabic words? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!

      I thought I had seen all the ways illiteracy could be made manifest, then I visited Fox Nation’s comment section. Unlike phonetic misspellings and certain abuses of punctuation, I cannot make any sense of this.

    701. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

      January 22, 2012 at 8:39

      1- why wont mitt release his hounds?

      He did, and they shit all over his car.

    702. tsam said,

      January 22, 2012 at 9:22

      I have a huge otry in my garage.

      …ees funny cuz I don’t have gadage, I leev een apartmunt! huh huh huh huh huh huh!

    703. tsam said,

      January 22, 2012 at 9:23

      they use it to hide their big otry.”

      I was working on this statement, by the way.

    704. Fenwick said,

      January 22, 2012 at 9:23

      BBBB: Laughter in Baltimore!

    705. Fenwick said,

      January 22, 2012 at 9:25

      I have a huge otry in my garage

      Named Gene?

    706. Hogeye Grex said,

      January 22, 2012 at 9:25

      Does this code word make my otry look big?

    707. Fenwick said,

      January 22, 2012 at 9:26

      Working on the big otry.

    708. Fenwick said,

      January 22, 2012 at 9:31

      I thought I had seen all the ways illiteracy could be made manifest, then I visited Fox Nation’s comment section. Unlike phonetic misspellings and certain abuses of punctuation, I cannot make any sense of this.

      CRA: I’m going to check it out. I still have a full quart of brain bleach left. So I should be okay, huh?

    709. Hogeye Grex said,

      January 22, 2012 at 9:33

      My guess as to the source of the commenter’s butchery would be that he/she/it spends a lot of time posting somewhere that any discussion of bigotry or racism is wordfiltered out before it can corrupt the groupthink. It is an exercise left to the reader to figure out just what sort of site might be inclined do such a thing.

    710. Fenwick said,

      January 22, 2012 at 9:40

      Found this one, CRA:

      If Clinton could be President for 8 years with the personal life of an alley cat and accused of se xual harr assment and ra pe the “moral” bar has already been set very low by the Liberals.

      And I still have a pint of brain bleach remaining!

    711. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

      January 22, 2012 at 9:41

      If Clinton could be President for 8 years with the personal life of an alley cat and accused of se xual harr assment and ra pe the “moral” bar has already been set very low by the Liberals.

      Once again, IOKIYAR!

    712. Fenwick said,

      January 22, 2012 at 9:45

      I am leaving ‘harr assment’ joke to others. I have my dignity to protect.

    713. Fenwick said,

      January 22, 2012 at 10:05

      Actually, I’m pretty dull, mainly with one Gingrich supporter and one Mittens supporer tilting back and forth at their respective windmills.

      Almost all the commentds are one or two sentences. They never, ever go off-topic for a bit of fun or diversion into, say, cooking or music or race cars or babbies or kittehs or films or much of anything except all-politics-all-the-time. Sheesh. They seem like very dull people.

      I am reminded why I sit on usually boat’s deck drinking mint juleps while Intrepid Explorers do the real work. Now I’ve got to go below and change into something else. My white linen suit was ruined. I’m sending the bill to CRA.

      (I’m down to an ounce of brain bleach, btw.)

    714. Fenwick said,

      January 22, 2012 at 10:08

      Should read ‘IT’S very dull’.

      But I’m pretty dull, too

      Also ‘usually’ should precede ‘sit’

      Proof-reading. What is it?

    715. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

      January 22, 2012 at 10:08

      I’ve got to go below and change into something else.

      Something sexy?

      AFAFAF

      Asking for a friend about Fenwick.

    716. Fenwick said,

      January 22, 2012 at 10:27

      Something sexy?

      Of course. Another white linen suit. I’m dapper even on a boat deck.

      Asking for a friend about Fenwick.

      I’m as confused as ever and easily distracted by shiny objects. I’ve been watching w-a-y too much streaming on Netflix.

      I feel all I have to look forward to Spring Training. (And even that sux if you’re a fan of the Baltimore Woes.) Also I need to get myself in gear soon, if I’m gonna move to Albuquerque this year. Inertia takes a toll.

      (BBBB: Remember to restore an active like on yer Sadlyville post. Hits, hits, and more hits. We gots ‘em, bro!)

    717. Fenwick said,

      January 22, 2012 at 10:30

      Fuck. ‘link’

      You already have an ‘active like’ in Sadlyville, BBBB

    718. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

      January 22, 2012 at 10:31

      (BBBB: Remember to restore an active like on yer Sadlyville post. Hits, hits, and more hits. We gots ‘em, bro!)

      Will do! Hey, now, what about the Duchy, old chum? You’ve got a big year coming up, with your intended move to New Mexico. Plus, bbkf threw her hat in the ring recently. You know you want to do it!

    719. Fenwick said,

      January 22, 2012 at 11:01

      I’m glad bbffk did! I liked the Xmas tree that she and hubbfk put up!

      what about the Duchy, old chum? You’ve got a big year coming up, with your intended move to New Mexico.

      [For newer Sadlies: I thought about starting a blog called the Duchy of Grand Fenwick.]]

      The move is partially a cause of my reluctance. Or, rather, it has exacerbated my reluctance: A blog might absorb too much of my time. I’ve got to pack up my whole life and sell the house. (Never sold a house before.)

      Also, there’s the fear of embarrassment if I fuck it up badly. When I visit the blogs of other Sadlies, they seem so sharp is presentation and content. On either count, I fear my efforts would fall short. Don’t want to start a blog, then have it gather cobwebs because of infrequnt posting. Also, I fear my content would probably write about would goofy and v-e-r-y limited in its appeal.

      Also, there’s the Luddite issue. I don’t know jack shit about the Internets Toobz and all the nifty computer-y stuff. (You kids get offa my lawn!) I’d fuck it up through ignorance and stupidty. (Hey. Maybe I should become a Republican?)

      You know you want to do it!</i<

      Part of me wants to, fer sure. I muchly appreciate your encouagement, you Big Nice Bald Person! Maybe after I transition to NM ???

    720. Fenwick said,

      January 22, 2012 at 11:05

      Italics tagfail. (Mine are never as cute as bbfk’s though.)

      And proof-reading? HA! That is for mere mortals.

    721. Fenwick said,

      January 22, 2012 at 11:13

      Thanks for flying with the Night Hawks, B4. I remember our night conversation during the holiday season a year ago. You’re a good person, compadre.

      Now I’ve got to make some sammiches, then I’m going to read for a bit. (Assuming the siren call of Netflix doesn’t wreck that good intention on the rocks.)You know you want to do it!

    722. Fenwick said,

      January 22, 2012 at 11:16

      Fooey. Yet another Multiple Paste error.

    723. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

      January 22, 2012 at 13:38

      Also, there’s the fear of embarrassment if I fuck it up badly. When I visit the blogs of other Sadlies, they seem so sharp is presentation and content. On either count, I fear my efforts would fall short. Don’t want to start a blog, then have it gather cobwebs because of infrequnt posting. Also, I fear my content would probably write about would goofy and v-e-r-y limited in its appeal.

      No pressure, old chum… just write, you’ll hit your stride. You have a very interesting autobiography, and an interesting transition coming up.

      Also, there’s the Luddite issue. I don’t know jack shit about the Internets Toobz and all the nifty computer-y stuff. (You kids get offa my lawn!) I’d fuck it up through ignorance and stupidty.

      Hey, you got the “a href” tag down pat, and that’s the biggest pain in the ass HTML tag.

    724. actor212 said,

      January 22, 2012 at 14:09

      Don’t want to start a blog, then have it gather cobwebs because of infrequnt posting. Also, I fear my content would probably write about would goofy and v-e-r-y limited in its appeal.

      Blogger comes fully equipped with the most useful HTML coded right into a convenient button for each thing you’d need (e.g. links, pictures (uploaded and linked), italics, bold, fonts…)

      Hey, B^4! You on the milkman’s shift this weekend?

    725. Provider_UNE™LikeAttillaGhengisHannibal_SteepedInSunTzu&Machiavelli_A_RenaissanceBarbarianTea said,

      January 22, 2012 at 14:15

      Fenwick, I was surprised and happy to see that you took a leap out of the boat. Nice mangoes. I only wish I could have been topside when you returned to hand you your well earned Mint Julip.
      :)
      .

    726. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

      January 22, 2012 at 14:21

      Hey, B^4! You on the milkman’s shift this weekend?

      Yeah, and I return this afternoon. The split shift is the unkindest shift of all. I’m actually planning on smoking one of my twice-a-year cigars tonight so I can get a serious stimulant buzz that the yerba mate can’t provide on its own.

    727. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

      January 22, 2012 at 14:22

      Fenwick, I was surprised and happy to see that you took a leap out of the boat.

      I like the “better thee than me” subtext to this comment.

    728. Jeffraham Prestonian said,

      January 22, 2012 at 16:22

      When I visit the blogs of other Sadlies, they seem so sharp is presentation and content.

      Well, I’m kinda new as a commenter, here, but told I count. So if you need cheerin’ up, go look at mine. It’s little more than cat pixels. And more cat pixels.
      .

    729. CRA said,

      January 22, 2012 at 17:25

      Well, Fenwick, you do have an interesting biography, and you’re likable. Also, you lack pretense and affectations, as far as I can tell. You could blog as the mood struck you, but the camaraderie you seem to enjoy here probably wouldn’t grace the blog.

      The main reason I see for starting a blog myself is that sometimes my comments are too long and/or off-topic. On the other hand, if those are posted as comments at popular blogs, someone will read them.

      Sometimes I know I should be making a blog post, not a comment, but I gave up after one brief effort. An odd result was that a semi-obscure (but by no means unknown) blogger linked to me, thinking I knew what I was writing about. Someone disabused him of that notion, but he’d already made the error of heartily endorsing my new blog and some substandard ideas I’d posted. Then, days later, he reconstituted his blog, destroying all evidence and reams besides. I still wonder whether the embarrassment of naively endorsing me had anything to do with that.

    730. Bill S said,

      January 22, 2012 at 18:38

      Everybody knows it’s nearly impossible to read EVERY comment posted in a SADLY, NO! blogpost. Because the comments threads go on forever and ever and ever…

    731. Bill S said,

      January 22, 2012 at 18:39

      …and ever and ever and ever…

    732. alec said,

      January 22, 2012 at 20:16

      When I visit the blogs of other Sadlies, they seem so sharp is presentation and content.

      Man, my blog is right there, full of mumbling and paranoia and addict sweats, and yet you gotta talk about it like it doesn’t even exist.

    733. The Frito Pundito said,

      January 23, 2012 at 10:13

      I’m more interested in penis tragedies. Mine, to be specific.

    734. alec said,

      January 23, 2012 at 11:07

      I’m more interested in penis tragedies. Mine, to be specific.

      For neuerr was a Storye of more Woe
      Than this, of a Whange & hys Pundito.

    735. actor212 said,

      January 23, 2012 at 17:52

      It’s kind of sad that a middle aged man still faps to Vampirella collects comics.

    736. actor212 said,

      January 23, 2012 at 17:53

      Eh, crap. Wrong thread…

    737. steerpike said,

      February 4, 2012 at 21:12

      testing (c) testing

    738. steerpike said,

      February 4, 2012 at 21:12

      testing(c) testing

    739. steerpike said,

      February 4, 2012 at 21:13

      testing ™ testing

    740. Truth Wins Out - Perez Hilton Speaking Out Against Dan Savage For Some Reason said,

      May 1, 2012 at 19:46

      [...] condemnation of Savage’s comments? Erstwhile self-proclaimed virgin Ben Shapiro, who gets uncomfortable when the Golden Globes features jokes about penises. [Seriously, just click on those links. It's a [...]

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