Jan
12

I Also Wish We Lived in a World Without 7th Heaven




Posted at 3:42 by Cerberus


Lloyd Marcus, speaking to us from a better world.

Lloyd Marcus, American Wanker:
New TV Show Idea: All-American Christian

Well, well, well, if it isn’t everyone’s favorite one-man minstrel show, Lloyd Marcus. One might think our buddy Lloyd having given up sense, dignity, and basic human respect to chain his star to the plummeting train-crash that was the “Tea Party Express” might be going through something akin to buyer’s remorse just about now.

Well, if you thought that, you just don’t know Lloyd. He paid too much for the mandatory lobotomy to stop now and has decided to engage in wingnut’s favorite game: Privilege Fails.

Now, you think that might be difficult for LLoyd, what with being overly melaninated and a one-man-pride parade, but Lloyd should be committed, I mean, is committed to wingnut excellence.

And so has decided to take offense that a single show starring a muslim family has come into existence and thus has erased all Christian TV families from existence and catapulted us into Sharia Law.

Hmm, perhaps I better let him explain.

I have a great idea! How about a TV show titled “All-American Christian”? Christians have been getting a bum rap in cinema and the mainstream media for quite a while. In a spirit of fairness, compassion, and tolerance, a TV show promoting Christianity is simply the right thing to do. After all, the last thing we need is Christian-phobic Americans.

I know! It’s so terrible living in a world where there are no overly sentimental Christian families. No 7th Heaven, Touched By an Angel, Big Love, Christmas Shoes, anything on ABC Family or the Family Channel. Wait.

What world is LLoyd Marcus living on, cause I need to be living there like now.

And I love the assumption that the bad rap that Christians get is because of a lack of propaganda shows on television saying how wonderful they are and not the fact that Christians demand total ownership of all forms of culture so they can make shitty crap about white suburban families who’ll “get through” mild easily-solved sitcom problems with the “love of Christ” and a great big helping hand from the writers.

We must educate Americans to realize that Christianity is a religion of peace. Christians are not anti-American. The TV show will confirm that Christians are not very different from you and me, and they’re just as patriotic. Also, Christians would never attempt to force Biblical law down our throats.

Leave the sarcasm for the professionals Lloyd. It isn’t just trying to “mime the other side” but with an air of snide disrespect. Cause that just leads to fails like that last couple of sentences. Oh yeah, the patriotism of Christians sure is in doubt (when they support hippie liberal causes like that boring stuff Christ often talked about) and the fears about forcing Biblical law are totally as unfounded as the fear of Sharia Law.

Now, where can I find fair-minded, tolerant, and compassionate celebrities who will enthusiastically support and speak in defense of the show? I know! Russell Simmons, Bill Maher, and Rosie O’Donnell are a good start. These guys are all about fairness, tolerance, and compassion. I am extremely confident that they will leap at an opportunity to fairly portray Christianity.

Christians are not rioting, seeking to physically punish offenders, or lobbying to make it illegal to speak against their religion. Thus, beheading non-believers who reject their religion is not in the Christian recruitment manual. As a matter of fact, the founder of Christianity said, “With loving kindness have I drawn thee.”

Rosie O’Donnell, great advocate of women rights that she is, will surely love this. Christian women are not forced to be subservient to men. Under no circumstances does Christianity condone a husband beating, stoning, or beheading his wife. A Christian woman is pretty much free to be all she can be, from a mom to the governor of Alaska to president of the United States. Believe it or not, a Christian woman can even venture outside without having her head covered and face veiled. Thus, it makes perfect sense that the American Feminist Movement would rally around Christianity. Right?

What’s that Projection Meter? You can’t take anymore? Damnitt, you will take all this crazy damn you and you will like it.

Also, Lloyd? Saint Sarah ain’t coming to save your Self-Destructing Party.

Now then Projection Meter, why are you complaining when we still have gems like

I cannot think of a single group of people Christians seek to remove from the planet. While more than 18,167 deadly terrorist attacks since 9-11 have been carried out in the name of another religion, zero attacks since 9-11 have happened in the name of Christianity. We know that the American left is all about peace; “all we are saying is give peace a chance,” and so on. One can only conclude that Christianity’s nonviolent track record wins the peace-lovers’ endorsement. Correct?

to go. Projection Meter? Well fuck. It somehow managed to choke itself to death on its own extension cord. I didn’t even know it could do that.

And damn, I am really digging Lloyd Marcus’s world. No bad Christian sitcoms and a world where Anders Breivik, Jared Loughner, Scott Roeder, and so on and so forth never happened.

No wonder the bullshit half actions and collection of “guerrilla troops defending their home country in war time” seem like a threat to Lloyd in safe old USA and why he feels like an overly disrespected minority (but only because of the Christian thing).

I mean, if he wasn’t from that mythical land, he’d just be an asshole filled with projection, denying all right-wing Christian violence and actions and media presence and having a freak out because one single hour of cable TV is looking at a minority his squad of Christians want to remove from the planet.

And that’d just be crazy.

Unfortunately, Christianity does not have a “lying clause.” Another religion has a privilege authorized in its holy book called “taqiyya,” which means never feeling guilty for lying. In other words, taqiyya makes it permissible to lie to protect one’s religion. Common sense tells us that anything adherents of such a religion say about the intentions and motives of their religion should be taken with a grain of salt. Meanwhile, Christians are stuck with “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.”

Yes, Thank All Holy Bob that Christians never ever bald-facingly lie while justifying it to themselves that its okay because they are doing it “for the greater God” and the “glory of All-Mighty Jesus”.

It is truly tragic that Bibles, after-school Bible studies, and prayer at school sporting events are being banned from public schools. Christian graduates are commanded to censor all references to God and especially “Jesus” from their commencement speeches. And yet, nationwide special concessions are being made for another religion — installing foot-bathing facilities, etc.

Damn straight. Hey, what’s public mean? And might that affect whether or not this oft-repeated whine was an example of legitimate grievance or an example of a powerful majority whining that they can’t force their religion on a captive non-believing audience.

Hey, what was that about Christianity and throats from earlier?

By the way, our government has sponsored the defacing of Christian icons. A photo of a crucifix submerged in a glass of urine was funded by the NEA (National Endowment of the Arts). The award-winning photo is titled “Piss Christ.” The Brooklyn Museum of Art, despite considerable controversy, exhibited the Holy Virgin Mary painted with elephant dung.

You know how Christians are a real oppressed minority unlike all those Muslims and fags out there? They constantly have to resort to the same example of “oppression” which is simply having their worldview being interpreted by a fellow-traveler in a seemingly disrespectful way 25 years ago.

Those other minorities have hosts of so-called “recent attacks” against them and rarely have to revive ancient minor grievances.

That’s how you know they are shifty lying bastards. Christians know that minor slights a quarter of a century ago are the real badge of oppression.

Keep fighting that fight, brave patriots. Some day you’ll walk in the sun, full and equal members of our society.

Sniff, so brave!

Christians are legally fighting the court-ordered removal of crosses which have been displayed — one out in the middle of nowhere — on sites for many years. Nativity scenes are becoming more and more taboo in public schools and government buildings. Our kids no longer go on Christmas break from school. It is now called Winter Fest-a-Something or Other.

It’s almost like “public” means something. I don’t know what, but I’m sure it’s short for “hates Christians”.

Some paranoid conspiracy theorists say that Christianity has infiltrated high levels of our government. Rumor has it that even President Obama is a Christian. However, this rumor has yet to be confirmed. I wish to go on record stating that I am not Christian-phobic. America was unarguably founded on Biblical principles. Therefore, I am completely comfortable with Christians influencing our government.

Ha ha! See, your well-documented proof of shadowy Evangelical forces playing with government policy is exactly as unfounded as our insane fever-dream about secret Muslims taking over the government because there’s one Muslim congressman and we’re using an old dog whistle about the President.

We just showed you liberals! Now take some ahistorical insanity and be about your day.

We can count on Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to aggressively work to make Christian-phobia punishable by law the way she is for another religion.

Okay, I missed a conspiracy theory along the way. Is this one of those “other countries have hate speech laws, so hate crime laws here will take away our right to hate-speech” things or something to do with Clinton being a secret muslim as well?

Damn it, how can I snark at 100% levels when the conspiracy theories move so damn fast.

So yes, the timing is perfect for an “All-American Christian” TV show. I am sure that Hillary; Obama; and all those compassionate, tolerant Hollywood-types will enthusiastically join in our effort to get out the truth about Christianity — a virtuous, misunderstood, and wonderful religion of peace.

Folks, this is gonna be great! I am so excited. For the debut of the “All-American Christian” TV show, I wonder if we can get Tim Tebow to make a special guest appearance. Wouldn’t that be awesome?

It seems that much like facts, sarcasm has a liberal bias as well. It was a gallant effort, Lord Marcus, but it will not win the love of fair Wingnuttopia. For your dusky countenance and fey displays will always meet with stern disapproval. Sadness and consternation!

May your days grow long in your mythical wonderful world free of Christian terrorists, bad Christian programming, and where the worst thing to happen to a minority was a 25 year old art exhibit. I shall miss it greatly as I return to my own much sadder time.

Fie and rot, a 7th Heaven rerun.

192 Comments »

  1. Smut Clyde said,

    January 12, 2012 at 3:47

    Another religion has a privilege authorized in its holy book called “taqiyya,” which means never feeling guilty for lying.

    Catholicism?

  2. N__B said,

    January 12, 2012 at 3:48

    We must educate Americans to realize that Christianity is a religion of peace. [Emphasis mine]

    “Come the revolution, comrade, you’ll eat strawberries and cream.”

    “But I don’t like strawberries.”

    “Come the revolution, comrade, you’ll eat strawberries and cream and like it.”

  3. Smut Clyde said,

    January 12, 2012 at 3:51

    The Brooklyn Museum of Art, despite considerable controversy, exhibited the Holy Virgin Mary painted with elephant dung.

    Wrong kind of animal excrement. I say “bullshit”.

  4. N__B said,

    January 12, 2012 at 3:54

    The Brooklyn Museum of Art, despite considerable controversy, exhibited the Holy Virgin Mary painted with elephant dung.

    I’m amazed Lloyd didn’t say “you know THOSE people live in Brooklyn.”

  5. Dennnis said,

    January 12, 2012 at 4:06

    Scdl blggr jdgng thr ppl’s sns, dgnt nd bsc hmn rspct.

    Hh.

  6. vacuumslayer said,

    January 12, 2012 at 4:09

    Erect the Fest-a-Something Pole! I have grievances and underwear to air!

  7. Another Kiwi who has a facebook friend said,

    January 12, 2012 at 4:09

    I am just saying that when the programme gets made about how normal Kiwis are, is made. I am willing to be in it. The opression, the opression! Always in he background of movies, always sniggered about and now turning up in Gil Thorpe comics as non-tattooed tattooists.

  8. vacuumslayer said,

    January 12, 2012 at 4:14

    “Titanic?” WTF?

  9. TruculentandUnreliable said,

    January 12, 2012 at 4:17

    Christian women are not forced to be subservient to men. Under no circumstances does Christianity condone a husband beating, stoning, or beheading his wife.

    I snorted so loudly that I woke the cat up and he darted into the other room.

  10. 'natch said,

    January 12, 2012 at 4:21

    Did this ahole actually show up right after the Prager post?

    Actually, reading disemvoweled quotes is slightly less enjoyable than mango harvesting but hey what’s a girl to do?

  11. kg said,

    January 12, 2012 at 4:24

    Out of respect (snort) to a certain someone, I’ll leave that pole erecting comment alone.

  12. Smut Clyde said,

    January 12, 2012 at 4:29

    Christians are not [...] seeking to physically punish offenders

    This will come as a great relief to the staff of abortion clinics.

  13. Bitter Scribe said,

    January 12, 2012 at 4:31

    Christian women are not forced to be subservient to men.

    No, just submissive. There’s a difference.

  14. Fenwick said,

    January 12, 2012 at 4:39

    Erect the Fest-a-Something Pole! I have grievances and underwear to air!

    Did not have liquids in hand. No damage to keyboard.

  15. Another Kiwi who has a facebook friend said,

    January 12, 2012 at 4:40

    “Titanic?” WTF?
    Yeah weird shit, huh?

  16. Major Kong said,

    January 12, 2012 at 4:44

    I’d love to dive in and go after those mangoes, but the engine’s making funny noises and I need to stay on the boat to fix it.

  17. TruculentandUnreliable said,

    January 12, 2012 at 4:46

    These people are such whiners. Christianity has been around for 2000 years. I think it can survive towns not displaying some Jesus-shaped plastic babies and pee pee.

  18. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    January 12, 2012 at 4:48

    I’ll stay on the boat and help fix the engine, too.

    Good luck with those tigers!
    ~

  19. Fenwick said,

    January 12, 2012 at 4:49

    the engine’s making funny noises

    I’ve always wondered what powers the Sadlyboat.

  20. Major Kong said,

    January 12, 2012 at 4:54

    America was unarguably founded on Biblical principles.

    I’ve got paper cuts from thumbing through my Bible looking for any mention of a constitutional republic.

  21. Fenwick said,

    January 12, 2012 at 4:55

    World’s largest marine engine:

    http://gcaptain.com/emma-maersk-engine/?506

  22. Spearhafoc, who is not an alien spy sent to infiltrate your Earthling "Blog comment threads" said,

    January 12, 2012 at 4:57

    I’m going to make a really sacrilegious art piece, just to give these fuckwits something new to complain about.

    The constant whinging about Piss-Christ is getting stale.

  23. Fenwick said,

    January 12, 2012 at 5:02

    Also, thanks to Smut Clyde for the link in Comment Uno.

  24. TruculentandUnreliable said,

    January 12, 2012 at 5:07

    The constant whinging about Piss-Christ is getting stale.

    Dude, right? When was that made, 1997?

    It must be really stinky now, too.

  25. Fenwick said,

    January 12, 2012 at 5:09

    I’m going to make a really sacrilegious art piece

    I hope it will be inclusive; I think it should embrace the widest sacrilege possible. Maybe include a representation of the Prophet? Something suggestive about Buddha? I dunno….

  26. Fenwick said,

    January 12, 2012 at 5:14

    I was wrong. If the sacrilegious art piece is limited to Christian symbology, it will trigger a more powerful Victimhood Response. I need to think before I type.

  27. kg said,

    January 12, 2012 at 5:18

    Plus those ‘slims will ice you if so much as depict their boy as a wacky cartoon character

  28. Jeffraham Prestonian said,

    January 12, 2012 at 5:19

    I think I need to reince my filthy, filthy priebus, now.
    .

  29. tigris said,

    January 12, 2012 at 5:27

    I have a great idea! How about a TV show titled “All-American Christian”?

    Wouldn’t it be cheaper just to rename “19 Kids and Counting”?

  30. N__B said,

    January 12, 2012 at 5:31

    Wouldn’t it be cheaper just to rename “19 Kids and Counting”?

    I doubt any Duggar can count past 20.

  31. tigris said,

    January 12, 2012 at 5:32

    The constant whinging about Piss-Christ is getting stale.

    1987. Thank you, Ronald Reagan!

  32. tigris said,

    January 12, 2012 at 5:33

    I doubt any Duggar can count past 20.

    Dad can still count to 21. Not worn to a nub yet!

  33. Jeffraham Prestonian said,

    January 12, 2012 at 5:39

    Dad can still count to 21. Not worn to a nub yet!

    If that isn’t speculation, I DO NOT want to know how you know that.
    .

  34. N__B said,

    January 12, 2012 at 5:41

    Not worn to a nub yet!

    Bon Ami ads sure have changed.

  35. parsec said,

    January 12, 2012 at 7:16

    Dish TV saw fit to bless me with a free month-plus of Sweet Thang’s favorite channel, the Hallmark. Hour after hour of white women and orphans undergoing tribulations only to be rescued through the offices of adorable angels of both sexes — at Christmastime!. Longest thirty-five days of my life.

  36. M. Bouffant said,

    January 12, 2012 at 7:34

    I’ve always wondered what powers the Sadlyboat.

    Hamsters. Too lazy from napping to look for link.

  37. A Cathar said,

    January 12, 2012 at 8:15

    “Religion of peace” my genocided ass.

  38. jim said,

    January 12, 2012 at 8:20

    What? Not calling it All-American Christian CONSERVATIVE?

    Why does Lloyd Marcus hate RealAmerica™???

  39. jim x / another j said,

    January 12, 2012 at 8:22

    And I love the assumption that the bad rap that Christians get is because of a lack of propaganda shows on television saying how wonderful they are and not the fact that Christians demand total ownership of all forms of culture so they can make shitty crap about white suburban families who’ll “get through” mild easily-solved sitcom problems with the “love of Christ” and a great big helping hand from the writers.

    God Bless you, sir. Christ Himself would change the channel on that crap.

  40. The Apostle Paul said,

    January 12, 2012 at 8:59

    Christian women are not forced to be subservient to men

    D00d really needs to read my stuff more carefully.

  41. vacuumslayer has over a billion Facebook friends said,

    January 12, 2012 at 13:49

    Wouldn’t it be cheaper just to rename “19 Kids and Counting”?

    Heh.

  42. vacuumslayer has over a billion Facebook friends said,

    January 12, 2012 at 13:51

    So, this is all just butthurt about this show?

  43. vacuumslayer has over a billion Facebook friends said,

    January 12, 2012 at 13:52

    BTW, didn’t Promise Keepers preach that men should be the head of the family and have the final say in all matters? That sounds kinda subservienty for women to me.

  44. vacuumslayer has over a billion Facebook friends said,

    January 12, 2012 at 13:58

    I think it may be time for “All American Atheist.”

  45. N__B said,

    January 12, 2012 at 14:26

    But my schedule is booked solid.

  46. Cole said,

    January 12, 2012 at 14:37

    “BTW, didn’t Promise Keepers preach that men should be the head of the family and have the final say in all matters? That sounds kinda subservienty for women to me.”

    When the only tool you have is authoritarianism…yadda, yadda.

    You go with the oppressive control of the arrested-development masses you have, not the one you want.

    And, btw, these idiots get all worked up about entertainment because, in the emerging “idiocracy,” mass media has become the 1%er’s favored tool of cultural oppression–far more effective than any assemby-line public education system.

  47. steerpike said,

    January 12, 2012 at 15:13

    Newer, fresher and more inclusive Sacreligious artwork for your enjoyment

  48. El Manquécito said,

    January 12, 2012 at 16:25

    Re: Juses and Mo, if Juses turned water into wine would he turn beer into scotch? I’ve done it but it took a lot of equipment.

  49. g said,

    January 12, 2012 at 17:05

    He’s calling on the President of the United States and the Secretary of State to help him develop a reality TV show?

  50. N__B said,

    January 12, 2012 at 17:15

    He’s calling on the President of the United States and the Secretary of State to help him develop a reality TV show?

    I’m picturing the cast of the Jersey Shore as guest stars on the West Wing and I’m not happy that I’m picturing that.

  51. Steerpike said,

    January 12, 2012 at 17:37

    Let’s see, there are several cable networks exclusively dedicated to Christian broadcasting, and approximately 1.75 metric fucktonnes of Christian messages, evangelical preaching, Christian outreach and Christian “news” programming on other stations, not to mention commercials, infomercials and public service announcements on TV, versus one (count ‘em, one!) program on cable with a tentative message that, maybe, y’know, not all Muslims are fanatical mad sharia-bombers–not a show actually promoting Islam, mind you, not proselytizing, or even fundraising–just one lukewarm reality show where the women have headscarves instead of full-sleeve tattoos…and this fucknut is demanding equal time?!?!?!?

  52. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    January 12, 2012 at 17:38

    I could get behind a show called “All American Christian” if it depicted a bunch of jolly Quaker peaceniks from the Bay Area (pick your bay, and it had better not be Michael Bay).

  53. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    January 12, 2012 at 17:40

    I am just saying that when the programme gets made about how normal Kiwis are, is made. I am willing to be in it.

    I originally read this as “I am just saying that when the programme gets made about how normal Kiwis are made. I am willing to be in it.”

    AK, scientist and porn star…

  54. N__B said,

    January 12, 2012 at 17:41

    Michael Bay directing a show about Quakers would be FANTASTIC! Scantily-dressed quaker chicks wearing slutty-18th-century frocks, walking in slo-mo past exploding non-explosions.

  55. El Manquécito said,

    January 12, 2012 at 18:00

    how normal Kiwis are made.

    It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

    Nothing you learn at Riddled is likely to be useful.

  56. address my envelope, lips! said,

    January 12, 2012 at 18:09

    I almost went looking for mangoes, but I decided my time would be more fruitfully (!) spent banging my head repeatedly against this brick wall.

    *thud*

    I really love the whole “Christianity does nothing bad, not never, nuh-uh!” repetition. All he needs is a pair of ruby slippers and a gingham dress. Last I looked, Christianity was the only religion that requires its adherents to go out and attempt to convert other people. Violence is inherent in the system, as it were.

  57. Níðhöggr said,

    January 12, 2012 at 18:55

    He might sound like an idiot if he Tyler Perry hadn’t already made a killing doing the crap he’s claiming hasn’t been made yet.

  58. Gary Ruppert said,

    January 12, 2012 at 19:04

    The fact is, it is patriotic to pee on dead Muslim Talibans. These marines should get medals, but the liberal estblishment is mean to them for upholding the consitution and spreading USA power.

  59. Gary Ruppert said,

    January 12, 2012 at 19:05

    The fact is, Muslims should all be deported as enemies. Muslim is not a religion it is a death cult, only Christian is a religion and only the Bible is the basis for all our law.

  60. Bob said,

    January 12, 2012 at 19:07

    There has to be at least 20 or 30 strictly Christian broadcasting networks in the US.

  61. Major Kong said,

    January 12, 2012 at 19:07

    Note –

    “Taliban” = “Anyone we happen to point a gun at over there”

  62. S. cerevisiae said,

    January 12, 2012 at 19:17

    Steerpike said,

    January 12, 2012 at 17:37

    Let’s see, there are several cable networks exclusively dedicated to Christian broadcasting, and approximately 1.75 metric fucktonnes of Christian messages, evangelical preaching, Christian outreach and Christian “news” programming on other stations, not to mention commercials, infomercials and public service announcements on TV, versus one (count ‘em, one!) program on cable with a tentative message that, maybe, y’know, not all Muslims are fanatical mad sharia-bombers–not a show actually promoting Islam, mind you, not proselytizing, or even fundraising–just one lukewarm reality show where the women have headscarves instead of full-sleeve tattoos…and this fucknut is demanding equal time?!?!?!?

    I just had to post that again because it is such a perfect answer to these douchenozzles. I have to program my guide to skip over dozens of Bible beater channels and they get all butthurt over one stupid cable reality show. Idiots.

  63. Whale Chowder said,

    January 12, 2012 at 19:20

    how normal Kiwis are made.

    I would not be looking to AK for this information, but that’s just me.

  64. tsam said,

    January 12, 2012 at 19:22

    I hope that if I ever get this worried about a TV show, my junk falls off immediately. Good lord. These kids are like the little bastards at the mall screaming in panicked terror at Santa Claus.

  65. Lurking Canadian said,

    January 12, 2012 at 19:34

    You’re right about Seventh Heaven, but you have unfairly libeled ABC Family. Pretty Little Liars is an entertaining show, but Christian propaganda, it ain’t.

    I wonder if this guy has ever seen Saved? That’s a show about an entire school full of Christians, in which the only characters who actually behave like the Christians Marcus describes are the atheist, the Jew and the girl who gets knocked up by her gay boyfriend.

  66. Thread Bear said,

    January 12, 2012 at 19:49

    The Brooklyn Museum of Art, despite considerable controversy, exhibited the Holy Virgin Mary painted with elephant dung.

    Wrong kind of animal excrement. I say “bullshit”.

    After reading this, it occurred to me that “elephantshit” would actually be a much better term. Considering all the crap that is spewed on behalf of the Republican base.

  67. N__B said,

    January 12, 2012 at 20:19

    Oh what a beautiful morning
    Oh what a beautiful day
    I’ve got a beautiful feeling
    James O’keefe’s going away.

    http://wonkette.com/460148/james-okeefe-n-friends-maybe-going-to-prison-for-being-idiots#more-460148

  68. Provider_UNE™LikeAttillaGhengisHannibal_SteepedInSunTzu&Machiavelli_A_RenaissanceBarbarianTea said,

    January 12, 2012 at 20:20

    …only Christian is a religion and only the Bible is the basis for all our law.

    Fake Gary brings home the bacon, fries it up and stuffs it in his maw.
    .

  69. TruculentandUnreliable said,

    January 12, 2012 at 20:29

    Shorter James O’Keefe: But journalists do illegal shit all the time! What????! AM TOO A JOURNALIST!!!!

  70. smedley said,

    January 12, 2012 at 20:32

    Somewhat on topic: Mormons think they are discriminated against more than African Americans

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/jan/12/third-mormons-mitt-romney-religion

  71. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    January 12, 2012 at 20:40

    Also, Christians would never attempt to force Biblical law down our throats.

    I just… He didn’t… Oh for FSM’s sake — the massive fail of that single sentence… Projection, butthurt, historical ignorance and wanton desire all distilled into a nearly perfect representation of today’s right wing…

    Sorta off topic, sorta not:

    IIRC, someone here was recently being violently rhetorical about some kind of big chainsaw…?

    I found some appropriate saws…

    Although I think the original violent rhetoric involved some sort of anal insertion of said chainsaw, I would also suggest that you imagine what tsam could do to Dennis’s neck with it. Also too &c.

  72. tigris said,

    January 12, 2012 at 20:42

    Re: Juses and Mo, if Juses turned water into wine would he turn beer into scotch? I’ve done it but it took a lot of equipment.

    The Spirit proceeds from both the Father and the Son. Unless you’re Orthodox.

  73. Lurking Canadian said,

    January 12, 2012 at 20:44

    Those Mormons are full of shit. No one suffers the way straight, white, Christian, cis-gendered men suffer in this society. In a fair world, there would be an opera about it. That there is no such opera is just more proof of the discrimination.

    What’s that? That’s what most operas are about? I’ll be over here sucking my thumb, then, because NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MY PAIN.

  74. tsam said,

    January 12, 2012 at 20:48

    Hitler proved that the right kind of white people are an oppressed minority. While sitting in prison, he wrote a whole book crying like a bitch making a solid case for this indisputable fact.

  75. tsam said,

    January 12, 2012 at 20:49

    I would also suggest that you imagine what tsam could do to Dennis’s neck with it.

    Already there, my brother. Already there.

  76. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    January 12, 2012 at 20:50

    Moar OT:

    Shorter NY Fucking Times: Journalism WTF is it?

  77. tsam said,

    January 12, 2012 at 20:57

    Shorter NY Fucking Times: Journalism WTF is it?

    OMFG LMFAO ;)

  78. Jeffraham Prestonian said,

    January 12, 2012 at 20:58

    Shorter NY Fucking Times: Journalism WTF is it?

    That’s been today’s Eschaton topic.
    .

  79. vacuumslayer has over a billion Facebook friends said,

    January 12, 2012 at 21:01

    Quick OT question: Does anyone here belong to Pinterest? I need an invite STAT. I don’t think I can drool on my keyboard much more before I short it out.

  80. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    January 12, 2012 at 21:03

    Does anyone here belong to Pinterest?

    I mistakenly guessed that link would point to a site about being interested in pints. I haz a disappoint.

  81. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    January 12, 2012 at 21:04

    Shorting out the keyboard.

  82. vacuumslayer has over a billion Facebook friends said,

    January 12, 2012 at 21:18

    I mistakenly guessed that link would point to a site about being interested in pints.

    It would be weirder if you were hoping for a site about pins.

  83. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    January 12, 2012 at 21:20

    hoping for a site about pins.

    Mmm, pointy…

  84. tsam said,

    January 12, 2012 at 21:21

    Everything’s all turpsy tovey.

    Speaking of topics, this one has got me all weirded out. Psychotic right wing governer gives clemency–not just to someone, but multiple people icky badpersons. When did psychotic right wingers discover this clemency business for people who weren’t VP Chiefs of Staff? Also, there is a judge who blocked the releases because…?????

  85. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    January 12, 2012 at 21:25

    Everything’s all turpsy tovey.

    On the “news” show I watched this morning they quoted Barbour as saying he wanted these folks to be able to get jobs and to be able to go hunting.

    I second your ?????

  86. Smut Clyde said,

    January 12, 2012 at 21:31

    Value system revealed:
    More than half of evangelical Protestants [...] say that Mormonism is not Christian [...] However, they still preferred [Romney] to Barack Obama.

  87. Pupienus said,

    January 12, 2012 at 21:35

    Lloyd Marcus Bachmann wants to convince us of the benefits of Christian civilization.

  88. Smut Clyde said,

    January 12, 2012 at 21:36

    hoping for a site about pins.
    Insert Terry Pratchett / Going Postal citation here.

  89. Pryme said,

    January 12, 2012 at 21:39

    We must educate Americans to realize that Christianity is a religion of peace.

    I must have missed the joint Time/Washington Post study that revealed Christianity was actually a centuries-long ruse concocted by Vikings and barbarians.

  90. N__B said,

    January 12, 2012 at 21:45

    No one expects the Greenland Inquisition!

  91. Pryme said,

    January 12, 2012 at 21:47

    Shorter NY Fucking Times: Journalism WTF is it?

    Sorry; but the Princess is in another Castle.

  92. The Principal Contributt said,

    January 12, 2012 at 21:49

    This whole screed was written by a guy that has never left his room, let alone his house, and experiences everything through right wing media, right?

    …right? Please?

  93. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    January 12, 2012 at 21:51

    I must have missed the joint Time/Washington Post study that revealed Christianity was actually a centuries-long ruse concocted by Vikings and barbarians.

    Christian berserkers would carve the “blood dove”, representing the Holy Spirit, into the bodies of the recipients of their proselytizing.

  94. Fenwick said,

    January 12, 2012 at 21:52

    Fake Gary brings home the bacon,

    I agree. Props to the perp.

  95. tigris said,

    January 12, 2012 at 21:52

    We must educate Americans to realize that Christianity is a religion of peace.

    Sure sure, a little piece of Saturnalia, a little piece of northern European paganism, a little… wait, PEACE? Dude, you’re so full of shit you need a warning label.

  96. Another Kiwi said,

    January 12, 2012 at 21:54

    El Manquécito and Whale Chowder’s speculations on the normality or otherwise of Deputy Assistant Supreme Leader Another Kiwi have been passed to the appropriate Intergalactic Council representatives.
    Oh yes, me little beauties, they’ve been passed on. *rubs hands together*

  97. Lurking Canadian said,

    January 12, 2012 at 21:55

    More than half of evangelical Protestants [...] say that Mormonism is not Christian [...] However, they still preferred [Romney] to Barack Obama.

    I mean, yeah, Romney’s a heretic and he’s going to hell and everything, but he just…I don’t know… looks the part, somehow. You know?

    There’s just something about that Obama fellow…can’t really put my finger on what it is…I just get this feeling when I look at him…He just seems wrong for the White House to me.

  98. N__B said,

    January 12, 2012 at 21:56

    Hands? I believe you mean tentacles!

  99. Another Kiwi said,

    January 12, 2012 at 21:59

    Tentacles has negative connotations and is not used by culturally aware persons

  100. N__B said,

    January 12, 2012 at 22:00

    Tentacles is Greek, right? Like Test-a-cles, the nuttiest Greek hero.

  101. Pupienus said,

    January 12, 2012 at 22:02

    not completely OT, TIL (more likely relearned but fucket) the “John 3:16″ guy is doing a life sentence.

  102. tsam said,

    January 12, 2012 at 22:10

    AHA! PUP HAS STEPPED IN MY TRAP!

    You see, REAL Christians tell people that God told them to invade other nations. Fakeass Christians take hostages and threaten to shoot at airplanes.

    QED.

    YOU GOT SERVED.

  103. Fenwick said,

    January 12, 2012 at 22:12

    No one expects the Greenland Inquisition!

    Win.

  104. El Manquécito said,

    January 12, 2012 at 22:19

    The Spirit proceeds from both the Father and the Son.

    Yeah and they always leave the seat up.

  105. The Appropriate Intergalactic Council said,

    January 12, 2012 at 22:24

    The entire matter is not Appropriate. Therefore, jurisdiction is retained by the Inappropriate Intergalactic Council. And they are some badass mo-fo’s.

  106. Bitter Scribe said,

    January 12, 2012 at 22:29

    not completely OT, TIL (more likely relearned but fucket) the “John 3:16? guy is doing a life sentence.

    I still think Bud Light commercials have gone downhill ever since.

  107. Another Kiwi said,

    January 12, 2012 at 22:31

    Huh the “Inappropes” are fake ass wannabees. Crimson fecking robes, I ask you!!1
    It’s all the same at the wrong end of a Protein Reassembly Ray, buddy. And look, that’s right *points*, Thought Ray Deflector helmet!! Oh yeah!

  108. smedley said,

    January 12, 2012 at 22:33

    OMFG!! I totally had put this out of my mind: We spent Christmas with my daughter, her hub and the precocious one in Dallas. We watched the local news Sunday night to catch the weather for the drive home and this local CBS station did an extensive, 7 or 8 minute segment on Emmitt Smith and how he had found God through the preachings of TDJakes. The same TDJakes that had appeared at the Perry Prayer Party and the same TDJakes that hates homos somethin’ fierce. It would have been at home on Pat Robertson’s program. It was like they were contractually obligated to confirm all of the Dallas stereotypes at once! You had your Biblers, your football and your homo-hatin’ in one big lump.

    So, fuck you with a fish hook, Lloyd Marcus.

  109. animus said,

    January 12, 2012 at 22:33

    not completely OT, TIL (more likely relearned but fucket) the “John 3:16? guy is doing a life sentence.

    Whoever would have thought that he’d turn out to have been a religious fanatic?

  110. Steerpike said,

    January 12, 2012 at 22:39

    No one expects the Greenland Inquisition!

    Our chief weapon is surprise! Surprise and an almost unbelievable cold…
    Our 2 weapons are surprise and unbelievable cold! Oh, and polar bears…
    Among our chief weapons are: surprise…

    …I’ll come in again

  111. tigris said,

    January 12, 2012 at 22:40

    But didn’t Prager tell us lefties are the mean ones? I thought Real Christians, like Real Americans, were all conservatives?

  112. El Manquécito said,

    January 12, 2012 at 22:45

    Herschel Walker saw the light too, also. Like the scientologists the Talivangelicals focus extra hard on the famous (and rich).

  113. smedley said,

    January 12, 2012 at 22:58

    As per usual, Charles Pierce has the best take on that “Best Conservative Movies” list:

    http://www.esquire.com/blogs/politics/most-conservative-movies-list-6638080

  114. Pupienus said,

    January 12, 2012 at 23:11

    Dan Savage is such a meanie!

    Time to follow through on your threat to redefine “rick,” Dan.

    Matt Via Twitter

    Already done: To “rick” is to remove something with your tongue—the “r” from “remove,” the “ick” from “lick”—which makes “rick santorum” the most disgusting two-word sentence in the English language after “vote Republican.”

  115. Pupienus said,

    January 12, 2012 at 23:33

    I didn’t kill it! Blame Dan Savage, not me.

  116. britbitter said,

    January 12, 2012 at 23:44

    The only thing that separates religion from cult is mainstream acceptance. Christianity is the zombie rabbi cult right?

  117. Pupienus said,

    January 12, 2012 at 23:51

    Christianity is the zombie rabbi cult right?

    Yes, except for the Catholic flavor – they’re all about worhipping the goddess.

  118. tigris said,

    January 13, 2012 at 0:17

    Worhipping the goddess sounds hotter than it is.

  119. jim said,

    January 13, 2012 at 0:19

    Laffer Curveball!

  120. Bitter Scribe said,

    January 13, 2012 at 0:20

    the same TDJakes that hates homos somethin’ fierce.

    He doesn’t hate homos, he just hates what they do.

    And say.

    And the fact that they exist.

  121. Nymstradamus said,

    January 13, 2012 at 0:36

    I cannot think of a single group of people Christians seek to remove from the planet.

    Palestinians, at least the U.S. Christians want them removed.

    Gee, that was easy.

  122. Bitter Scribe said,

    January 13, 2012 at 0:44

    Palestinians, at least the U.S. Christians want them removed.

    Since Palestinians don’t exist according to those folks, how can they be removed?

  123. Nymstradamus said,

    January 13, 2012 at 0:50

    Since Palestinians don’t exist according to those folks, how can they be removed?

    Yeah, that occurred to me seconds after I posted the comment.

  124. Whale Chowder said,

    January 13, 2012 at 1:08

    I cannot think of a single group of people Christians seek to remove from the planet.

    Palestinians, at least the U.S. Christians want them removed.

    Um, Muslims…or at least there’s a subset of Christians who want that.

  125. Sverdlov said,

    January 13, 2012 at 2:11

    So you own a struggling restaurant with a liquor license but you’re barely making payroll and the banks don’t want to give you any money to fix up the joint because restaurants are a notoriously bad bet. Hearing of your troubles, the local swarthy gentleman of means offers to make you a loan at the going street rate and, since your options are down to zero, you accept the offer and cross your fingers and hope for the best. With money in hand you make a few changes and business picks up with the addition of some new customers who happen to be business associates of your investor. Of course, being good buddies, their meals and drinks are frequently comped, but that’s the price of doing, and staying, in business.
    http://tbogg.firedoglake.com/2012/01/11/leave-the-debt-take-the-cannoli/

  126. Provider_UNE™LikeAttillaGhengisHannibal_SteepedInSunTzu&Machiavelli_A_RenaissanceBarbarianTea said,

    January 13, 2012 at 3:02

    I found some appropriate saws…

    Holy crap!!! I thought youse guys were kidding in an earlier thread…The first one with the Niro-and modified snow mobile muffler is a thing of beauty.

    Thanks for the link OBS!
    .

  127. Major Kong said,

    January 13, 2012 at 3:32

    I found some appropriate saws

    That’s pretty cool, but I think we need something that says “Pratt & Whitney” on it.

  128. Another Kiwi said,

    January 13, 2012 at 3:52

    How about Gobble and Forsit

  129. N__B said,

    January 13, 2012 at 3:54

    Prattfall and Whitey.

  130. Another Kiwi said,

    January 13, 2012 at 4:00

    Panther and Witless

  131. N__B said,

    January 13, 2012 at 4:01

    Franks and Beans

  132. Spengler Dampniche said,

    January 13, 2012 at 4:02

    FRIST!!!! Oh.

  133. N__B said,

    January 13, 2012 at 4:06

    Fristing the thread.

  134. Another Kiwi said,

    January 13, 2012 at 4:06

    Ho ho, Spengler! What up?

  135. Another Kiwi said,

    January 13, 2012 at 4:11

    Franks and Goths

  136. N__B said,

    January 13, 2012 at 4:13

    Franks and Nancys

  137. Another Kiwi said,

    January 13, 2012 at 4:15

    Nancys and Sids

  138. N__B said,

    January 13, 2012 at 4:20

    Nancys and Sluggos.

  139. Another Kiwi said,

    January 13, 2012 at 4:23

    Rons and Nancys

  140. N__B said,

    January 13, 2012 at 4:24

    Rons and Cokes.

  141. Another Kiwi said,

    January 13, 2012 at 4:26

    Cokes and Ales

  142. N__B said,

    January 13, 2012 at 4:31

    Ales and Feales

  143. Spengler Dampniche said,

    January 13, 2012 at 4:36

    I have had a very painful erection for months now, alternate Kiwi. It’s been dreadful. Thank you for asking.

  144. Spengler Dampniche said,

    January 13, 2012 at 4:37

    Hall and Oates?

  145. N__B said,

    January 13, 2012 at 4:38

    Marezy Doates

  146. Another Kiwi said,

    January 13, 2012 at 4:49

    Donna and marezy

  147. Another Kiwi said,

    January 13, 2012 at 4:50

    Spengler you have to hit those bad boys with a rubber mallet. Sad but effective

  148. N__B said,

    January 13, 2012 at 4:52

    Bella and Donna

  149. N__B said,

    January 13, 2012 at 4:53

    Spengler you have to hit those bad boys with a rubber mallet.

    When AK plays whack-a-mole, you want to be careful about where your skin imperfections are located.

  150. Another Kiwi said,

    January 13, 2012 at 4:58

    When AK plays whack-a-mole, you want to be careful about where your skin imperfections are located.
    No friends on the Whack-a-Mole court, N_B_.
    Nota and Bella

  151. N__B said,

    January 13, 2012 at 5:00

    Nota and Benny

  152. Another Kiwi said,

    January 13, 2012 at 5:01

    Benny and Jets

  153. animus said,

    January 13, 2012 at 5:03

    Jets and flots?

  154. N__B said,

    January 13, 2012 at 5:08

    Jets and Sharks

  155. Another Kiwi said,

    January 13, 2012 at 5:08

    Sharks and lasers

  156. N__B said,

    January 13, 2012 at 5:11

    Sharks and loans

  157. Another Kiwi said,

    January 13, 2012 at 5:14

    Loans and Rangers

  158. N__B said,

    January 13, 2012 at 5:14

    Taxes and Rangers

  159. N__B said,

    January 13, 2012 at 5:15

    To quote Arlo, I’m not proud or tired.

  160. Another Kiwi said,

    January 13, 2012 at 5:21

    I know, it’d be a worry if it was a worry.

  161. N__B said,

    January 13, 2012 at 5:33

    Ball’s in your court, upsidedownman.

  162. tigris said,

    January 13, 2012 at 5:41

    Whack-a-ball.

  163. N__B said,

    January 13, 2012 at 5:42

    That’s getting awfully specific with the mole placement.

  164. tigris said,

    January 13, 2012 at 5:42

    There’s no crying in whack bat!

  165. N__B said,

    January 13, 2012 at 5:47

    No crying…just grimacing and sucking wind through clenched teeth.

  166. Whale Chowder said,

    January 13, 2012 at 5:51

    Death and Texas

  167. N__B said,

    January 13, 2012 at 5:54

    Death and Venice

  168. El Manquécito said,

    January 13, 2012 at 6:01

    Death Comes for the Archbishop

  169. Another Kiwi said,

    January 13, 2012 at 6:05

    And says. “Man it’s good to scythe you again”.

  170. N__B said,

    January 13, 2012 at 6:05

    Pawn to queen-five, pawn takes archbishop.

  171. Another Kiwi said,

    January 13, 2012 at 6:05

    Venice and Arteries

  172. N__B said,

    January 13, 2012 at 6:08

    Arteries and Jughead

  173. Another Kiwi said,

    January 13, 2012 at 6:18

    jugged and hare

  174. N__B said,

    January 13, 2012 at 6:24

    Burke and Hare

  175. Another Kiwi said,

    January 13, 2012 at 6:28

    Burke and Iceland

  176. N__B said,

    January 13, 2012 at 6:32

    Irish on the rocks

  177. Fenwick said,

    January 13, 2012 at 6:43

    Burke and Stocks

  178. Another Kiwi said,

    January 13, 2012 at 6:46

    Rush in Rio

  179. Major Kong said,

    January 13, 2012 at 6:47

    It’s a real company, by the way.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pratt_%26_Whitney_R-2800

  180. Another Kiwi said,

    January 13, 2012 at 7:02

    Pratt and Whitney and the Double wasp engine have a very honoured place in history, Major.
    We are just being silly with words

  181. Major Kong said,

    January 13, 2012 at 7:06

    So what are the rules (if any)?

  182. Smut Clyde said,

    January 13, 2012 at 7:12

    Bryant & May.

  183. Fenwick said,

    January 13, 2012 at 9:14

    So what are the rules (if any)?

    Based the incredible AK and N_B exchanges, I thought the rules were:

    Two nouns linked by ‘and’. The next commenter grabbed one noun and riffed on it, creating a new pair of linked nouns.

    Of course, the best rules are the ones you make up. Like in Calvinball.

  184. Cerberus said,

    January 13, 2012 at 10:08

    Nude Post! I mean New Post! That may or may not be nude! Well, featuring naked hypocrisy at the least!

  185. Another Kiwi said,

    January 13, 2012 at 10:31

    Darling buds in May

  186. N__B said,

    January 13, 2012 at 13:25

    Ron Darling and he ’86 Mets

  187. smedley said,

    January 13, 2012 at 14:51

    Pavorotti and the Met

  188. Another Kiwi said,

    January 13, 2012 at 21:40

    ill met and moonlight

  189. Snowwy said,

    January 14, 2012 at 10:21

    I know it’s far too late at night for him to see, but I just have to say- Another Kiwi is KILLLING me tonight with the funny. My Gods, I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard in YEARS.

  190. Rosa S. Levi said,

    January 14, 2012 at 22:11

    “Christians are not very different from you…” While I might quibble with the question of degree, I very much appreciate his recognition of the difference-in-kind.

  191. Kenneth Almquist said,

    January 16, 2012 at 0:14

    Christians are stuck with “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.”

    I really feel sorry for Christian Republicans. Their religion prohibits them from claiming that Obama is a socialist, or that he toured the world apologizing for America, or that he issued a tsunami of new regulations. Imagine what it would be like if the Republican presidential candidates were Christians. The Republican debates would consists of 90 minutes of silence.

  192. Aleisha Seewald said,

    January 20, 2012 at 3:52

    In short: I have been won-over to the economic tin-foil-hat-wearers concerning the economic climate. Has someone found a twinkling of optimism throughout this “dip”?

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