Lloyd Marcus, speaking to us from a better world.
Lloyd Marcus, American Wanker:
New TV Show Idea: All-American Christian
Well, well, well, if it isn’t everyone’s favorite one-man minstrel show, Lloyd Marcus. One might think our buddy Lloyd having given up sense, dignity, and basic human respect to chain his star to the plummeting train-crash that was the “Tea Party Express” might be going through something akin to buyer’s remorse just about now.
Well, if you thought that, you just don’t know Lloyd. He paid too much for the mandatory lobotomy to stop now and has decided to engage in wingnut’s favorite game: Privilege Fails.
Now, you think that might be difficult for LLoyd, what with being overly melaninated and a one-man-pride parade, but Lloyd should be committed, I mean, is committed to wingnut excellence.
And so has decided to take offense that a single show starring a muslim family has come into existence and thus has erased all Christian TV families from existence and catapulted us into Sharia Law.
Hmm, perhaps I better let him explain.
I have a great idea! How about a TV show titled “All-American Christian”? Christians have been getting a bum rap in cinema and the mainstream media for quite a while. In a spirit of fairness, compassion, and tolerance, a TV show promoting Christianity is simply the right thing to do. After all, the last thing we need is Christian-phobic Americans.
I know! It’s so terrible living in a world where there are no overly sentimental Christian families. No 7th Heaven, Touched By an Angel, Big Love, Christmas Shoes, anything on ABC Family or the Family Channel. Wait.
What world is LLoyd Marcus living on, cause I need to be living there like now.
And I love the assumption that the bad rap that Christians get is because of a lack of propaganda shows on television saying how wonderful they are and not the fact that Christians demand total ownership of all forms of culture so they can make shitty crap about white suburban families who’ll “get through” mild easily-solved sitcom problems with the “love of Christ” and a great big helping hand from the writers.
We must educate Americans to realize that Christianity is a religion of peace. Christians are not anti-American. The TV show will confirm that Christians are not very different from you and me, and they’re just as patriotic. Also, Christians would never attempt to force Biblical law down our throats.
Leave the sarcasm for the professionals Lloyd. It isn’t just trying to “mime the other side” but with an air of snide disrespect. Cause that just leads to fails like that last couple of sentences. Oh yeah, the patriotism of Christians sure is in doubt (when they support hippie liberal causes like that boring stuff Christ often talked about) and the fears about forcing Biblical law are totally as unfounded as the fear of Sharia Law.
Now, where can I find fair-minded, tolerant, and compassionate celebrities who will enthusiastically support and speak in defense of the show? I know! Russell Simmons, Bill Maher, and Rosie O’Donnell are a good start. These guys are all about fairness, tolerance, and compassion. I am extremely confident that they will leap at an opportunity to fairly portray Christianity.
Christians are not rioting, seeking to physically punish offenders, or lobbying to make it illegal to speak against their religion. Thus, beheading non-believers who reject their religion is not in the Christian recruitment manual. As a matter of fact, the founder of Christianity said, “With loving kindness have I drawn thee.”
Rosie O’Donnell, great advocate of women rights that she is, will surely love this. Christian women are not forced to be subservient to men. Under no circumstances does Christianity condone a husband beating, stoning, or beheading his wife. A Christian woman is pretty much free to be all she can be, from a mom to the governor of Alaska to president of the United States. Believe it or not, a Christian woman can even venture outside without having her head covered and face veiled. Thus, it makes perfect sense that the American Feminist Movement would rally around Christianity. Right?
What’s that Projection Meter? You can’t take anymore? Damnitt, you will take all this crazy damn you and you will like it.
Also, Lloyd? Saint Sarah ain’t coming to save your Self-Destructing Party.
Now then Projection Meter, why are you complaining when we still have gems like
I cannot think of a single group of people Christians seek to remove from the planet. While more than 18,167 deadly terrorist attacks since 9-11 have been carried out in the name of another religion, zero attacks since 9-11 have happened in the name of Christianity. We know that the American left is all about peace; “all we are saying is give peace a chance,” and so on. One can only conclude that Christianity’s nonviolent track record wins the peace-lovers’ endorsement. Correct?
to go. Projection Meter? Well fuck. It somehow managed to choke itself to death on its own extension cord. I didn’t even know it could do that.
And damn, I am really digging Lloyd Marcus’s world. No bad Christian sitcoms and a world where Anders Breivik, Jared Loughner, Scott Roeder, and so on and so forth never happened.
No wonder the bullshit half actions and collection of “guerrilla troops defending their home country in war time” seem like a threat to Lloyd in safe old USA and why he feels like an overly disrespected minority (but only because of the Christian thing).
I mean, if he wasn’t from that mythical land, he’d just be an asshole filled with projection, denying all right-wing Christian violence and actions and media presence and having a freak out because one single hour of cable TV is looking at a minority his squad of Christians want to remove from the planet.
And that’d just be crazy.
Unfortunately, Christianity does not have a “lying clause.” Another religion has a privilege authorized in its holy book called “taqiyya,” which means never feeling guilty for lying. In other words, taqiyya makes it permissible to lie to protect one’s religion. Common sense tells us that anything adherents of such a religion say about the intentions and motives of their religion should be taken with a grain of salt. Meanwhile, Christians are stuck with “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.”
Yes, Thank All Holy Bob that Christians never ever bald-facingly lie while justifying it to themselves that its okay because they are doing it “for the greater God” and the “glory of All-Mighty Jesus”.
It is truly tragic that Bibles, after-school Bible studies, and prayer at school sporting events are being banned from public schools. Christian graduates are commanded to censor all references to God and especially “Jesus” from their commencement speeches. And yet, nationwide special concessions are being made for another religion — installing foot-bathing facilities, etc.
Damn straight. Hey, what’s public mean? And might that affect whether or not this oft-repeated whine was an example of legitimate grievance or an example of a powerful majority whining that they can’t force their religion on a captive non-believing audience.
Hey, what was that about Christianity and throats from earlier?
By the way, our government has sponsored the defacing of Christian icons. A photo of a crucifix submerged in a glass of urine was funded by the NEA (National Endowment of the Arts). The award-winning photo is titled “Piss Christ.” The Brooklyn Museum of Art, despite considerable controversy, exhibited the Holy Virgin Mary painted with elephant dung.
You know how Christians are a real oppressed minority unlike all those Muslims and fags out there? They constantly have to resort to the same example of “oppression” which is simply having their worldview being interpreted by a fellow-traveler in a seemingly disrespectful way 25 years ago.
Those other minorities have hosts of so-called “recent attacks” against them and rarely have to revive ancient minor grievances.
That’s how you know they are shifty lying bastards. Christians know that minor slights a quarter of a century ago are the real badge of oppression.
Keep fighting that fight, brave patriots. Some day you’ll walk in the sun, full and equal members of our society.
Sniff, so brave!
Christians are legally fighting the court-ordered removal of crosses which have been displayed — one out in the middle of nowhere — on sites for many years. Nativity scenes are becoming more and more taboo in public schools and government buildings. Our kids no longer go on Christmas break from school. It is now called Winter Fest-a-Something or Other.
It’s almost like “public” means something. I don’t know what, but I’m sure it’s short for “hates Christians”.
Some paranoid conspiracy theorists say that Christianity has infiltrated high levels of our government. Rumor has it that even President Obama is a Christian. However, this rumor has yet to be confirmed. I wish to go on record stating that I am not Christian-phobic. America was unarguably founded on Biblical principles. Therefore, I am completely comfortable with Christians influencing our government.
Ha ha! See, your well-documented proof of shadowy Evangelical forces playing with government policy is exactly as unfounded as our insane fever-dream about secret Muslims taking over the government because there’s one Muslim congressman and we’re using an old dog whistle about the President.
We just showed you liberals! Now take some ahistorical insanity and be about your day.
We can count on Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to aggressively work to make Christian-phobia punishable by law the way she is for another religion.
Okay, I missed a conspiracy theory along the way. Is this one of those “other countries have hate speech laws, so hate crime laws here will take away our right to hate-speech” things or something to do with Clinton being a secret muslim as well?
Damn it, how can I snark at 100% levels when the conspiracy theories move so damn fast.
So yes, the timing is perfect for an “All-American Christian” TV show. I am sure that Hillary; Obama; and all those compassionate, tolerant Hollywood-types will enthusiastically join in our effort to get out the truth about Christianity — a virtuous, misunderstood, and wonderful religion of peace.
Folks, this is gonna be great! I am so excited. For the debut of the “All-American Christian” TV show, I wonder if we can get Tim Tebow to make a special guest appearance. Wouldn’t that be awesome?
It seems that much like facts, sarcasm has a liberal bias as well. It was a gallant effort, Lord Marcus, but it will not win the love of fair Wingnuttopia. For your dusky countenance and fey displays will always meet with stern disapproval. Sadness and consternation!
May your days grow long in your mythical wonderful world free of Christian terrorists, bad Christian programming, and where the worst thing to happen to a minority was a 25 year old art exhibit. I shall miss it greatly as I return to my own much sadder time.
Fie and rot, a 7th Heaven rerun.