I am become as jiggling cellulite and sagging jowls.

And though I have an actual bachelor’s degree and an IQ that can remove mountains and
have not love,

I am nothing.

And though I do have my financial shit together and have not love,

it profith me nothing.

Love suffereth long and is kind, even to men who want children.

Love envieth not people who think Ayn Rand was a pompous fraud and yet seem to lead happy and fulfilled lives.

Love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doeth not behave itself
unseemly — but it ain’t bragging if it’s true, man.

Seeketh not her own, at least not until she decides where her own is going to live.

Is not easily provoked, even by towering arrogance.

Thinketh no evil, not even of fat single mothers.

Bareth all things, though usually not at HotOrNot.com.

Believeth all things, though one hopes not to the extent of interpreting Cylon porn fanfic as literally true.

Hopeth all things, even unto becoming bilingual.

Endureth all things, even Buffy message boards.

Love never fails, unlike Libertarian candidates.

ACG: Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?

DA: Not right now.

ACG: A girl’s gotta have her standards.

For any other ladies out there who meet my still-high-but-lowered-standards, I forgot to mention that following three years spent training under Buddhist monks in a hidden Tibetan monastery, I am a fully accredited master of the 79 Schools of Hindoo Lovemaking. Also, I have acheived a preternatural level of control over my main genital tendon, which I can use to deliver 3600 steady oscillations per minute, distributed throughout the shaft of my penis, for your immense pleasure.

I’ve done mine at my far betterest blog and with all due modesty I can say I’m winning this zero sum game of Teh Best Woman Evah.

Actually: Phase 1, she thinks you’re great because she needs to think she picks only the highest quality men (the sex is great!). Phase 2, you fall short of her impossible expectations for you–ohmygod, you’re human! Phase 3, you become gay.

It’s like the circle of life, man!

I sincerely hope she will stop stalking me now. But then, what woman isn’t attracted to a superior male specimen such as myself – neurosurgeon/underwear model with a 12-inch penis naturally possessing a “ribbed” deposit of calcium roughly 7/8ths up the shaft, hobbies include: refining superstring theory, building nanobot armies, winning the Tour de France, being a patient lover with boundless energy, maintaining an 0.001% body fat level, tantric massage, wet ops in terror-sponsoring countries, solo ascents of 8,000-meter peaks without oxygen, consulting on decor and pastry-making at five-star hotels, test-piloting US Air Force prototypes, being 6’6″ with rock hard abs and phenomenal buttocks, reigning as the 12-time winner of People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive contest, stealing the 10 most highly guarded pieces of art in the world, then returning them anonymously, penning 36 Hugo Award-winning novels that defy classification as “science fiction” and are stocked in their own private room at all Barnes & Nobles, chairing both the Chicago School of Economics and the Libertarian Party, owning several private islands in the Caribbean and Mergui Archipelago, settling various tribal disputes in Sub-Saharan Africa and leading the Los Angeles Lakers to 10 NBA titles.