Aug
18

My Grand Unifying Theory of Gary Ruppert




Posted at 18:39 by Brad

So I have this new theory about Gary Ruppert, the conservative troll who tirelessly cuts’n'pastes GOP blast faxes into our comments section every day.

I believe that “Gary” is actually a 10-year-old Mexican boy named Guillermo Ruperto whose family got caught sneaking across the US-Mexico border, and who now must work as GOP political operatives to earn their citizenship in a trial run of Bush’s Guest Worker Program.

elrupperto.jpg
Above: The real Gary Ruppert sez, “El hecho
es que Presidente Bush es un gran jefe.”

You can just imagine the wacky exchanges that occur on a daily basis, can’t you?

KARL ROVE: Young Gary, have you posted my faxes onto those lefty blogs yet?

GARY: Sí, Señor Rove. But I aym so confused. How cayn I raynt about how bad Hollywood elites are een one sayntaynce, and thayn support geeving thaym a tax cut een the nayxt? Eet makes no saynse!

KARL ROVE: It doesn’t have to “make saynse,” you little bastard! Have you seen the people we’re trying to appeal to here? They have a total of three brain cells and two teeth!

GARY: Yays, Meester Rove. *sigh* “The fact is that the Democrats are the party of defeat who hate the troops…”

58 Comments »

  1. Buck B. said,

    August 18, 2006 at 18:49

    Hmm, people who must work tirelessly for the GOP to avoid getting kicked out of the country, who also happen to have no vote?

    Sounds like Republican porn. Somewhere, Bill Bennett is masturbating.

  2. Travis G. said,

    August 18, 2006 at 18:53

    Well, I’ll be damned.

    I always figured on Gary being one of those guys whose minivan sags under the weight of undelivered phone books.

  3. tommy yum said,

    August 18, 2006 at 19:00

    Heh. Spixicanofascist. Indeed.

  4. Brad R. said,

    August 18, 2006 at 19:03

    Sounds like Republican porn. Somewhere, Bill Bennett is masturbating.

    Like I said, it all makes sense once you look at Gary in this light.

  5. J— said,

    August 18, 2006 at 19:11

    “El hecho es que…”

    Qué risa.

  6. arthur said,

    August 18, 2006 at 19:24

    Don’t you mean the guest wanker program?

  7. Gary Ruppert said,

    August 18, 2006 at 19:25

    Why can’t we all just get along and turn Sadly, No into a site where we can all do fun things like exchange Herta Bothe photos instead of all this hatred.

    Anyone have any nudes?

  8. Seitz said,

    August 18, 2006 at 19:28

    Hey, Guillermo is Spanish for “William”. Don’t lump us Williams in with those loser Garys.

  9. His Grace said,

    August 18, 2006 at 19:35

    Anyone know the spanish equivalent to “the fact is?”

  10. Sean said,

    August 18, 2006 at 19:45

    Why do conservatives think that liberals love them some nazis? The only thing I can imagine is that they are displacing their own overwhelming love of all things fascist to us. Silly conservatives!

  11. Dorothy said,

    August 18, 2006 at 20:00

    Your Grace,
    I would translate it as “Es una facta que…” (“It is a fact that…”) if you want the “fact” part in there. More colloquially, I think it would be “Es verdad que” (It’s true that…). But my Spanish is really rusty.

    Here’s a theory on the origins of Gary:
    “Gary” is a modern form of “Gerald”, which is from the Teutonic dialect meaning “firm spear.” *
    Gary is demonstrably a wanker.
    Wankers produce semen, which rhymes with “sea men”
    “Seaman” in old Irish is “murdoch”, which became the English surname “Murdock.”

    So we replace “Gary” with its equivalent “Murdock”, invert the names, and we get
    Rupert Murdock!!!

    * “Gary” is the name of Spongebob Squarepants’s pet snail, which proves something important, I’m sure.

    ( Name origins from here)

  12. robotslave said,

    August 18, 2006 at 20:30

    You know, having some experience with this “troll” phenomenon you speak of, I would have to say that Gary has already won this round.

    Hands down.

  13. funkyb0ss said,

    August 18, 2006 at 20:32

    El hecho esta, Senor Ruppert es un pinche cabron

  14. fiver said,

    August 18, 2006 at 20:33

    That’s friggin’ brilliant.

  15. Brad R. said,

    August 18, 2006 at 20:44

    Anyone know the spanish equivalent to “the fact is?�

    “El hecho es.” You’ll notice I put it in the photo caption.

  16. Brian Schlosser said,

    August 18, 2006 at 20:53

    Although described as a little Mexican boy, I couldn’t help but hear his dialogue in the voice of Manuel from Fawlty Towers.

    “Ees deef-icult!”

  17. Gary Ruppert said,

    August 18, 2006 at 20:54

    I thank Brad for giving me the attention that mummy never did because she was too busy being a Rush groupie and all.

  18. His Grace said,

    August 18, 2006 at 21:03

    With this latest revelation, my mental picture of Gary Ruppert has changed. No longer do I see cheetos stained fingers furiously cutting and pasting the lastest emails from the RNC. Instead I see the following scene:

    A man furiously galloping across the dusty Spanish plains. His faithful companion rides at his side, although on a donkey not a horse. In the distance he spies something. “Look Sancho,” he says. “The enemy lies ahead.”

    Sancho gazes furtively across the near desert. “I am sorry, Don Ruppert but I see nothing.”

    Don Ruppert points feverishly to the hills lying in the distance. “Look, Sancho. Look. Democratic Giants in the distance. Plotting Treason against the King.”

    “I am sorry, Don Ruppert, I only see a few Windmills and maybe some sheep.”

    The aging knight shoots a ferocious glare at his squire. “The Democrats and their armies of moonbats are right there, openly discussing the numerous ways in which they hate America. We must teach them what the King’s Freedom truly means!”

    Sancho stilled looked puzzled but Don Ruppert had no doubts whatsoever. Lowering his Lance, he brought his horse to a full gallop, aiming straight for the nearest windmill. With a great voice, he shouted his battle cry:

    “Es verdad que…”

    (thx Dorothy for I have no spanish a’tall)

  19. owlbear1 said,

    August 18, 2006 at 21:22

    GARY: Sí, Señor Rove. But I aym so confused. How cayn I raynt about how bad Hollywood elites are een one sayntaynce, and thayn support geeving thaym a tax cut een the nayxt? Eet makes no saynse!
    =========
    Thus is Gary’s hate for Republicans truly revealed.

  20. Hate Encrusted Eyes said,

    August 18, 2006 at 21:23

    Well I think we need to repost this:
    Gary Gary, he’s so harry
    Twaddles on like a dromedary
    From Limbaugh’s ass
    To Gary’s lips
    These are all of Rupert’s quips.
    He comes not to save the day
    But to trip all in is way
    Tainted spam is what he serves
    Damn! he has a lot of nerve
    So ignore this mindless oaf
    He’s only working with half a loaf

  21. ortho_bob said,

    August 18, 2006 at 21:30

    The fact is, Gary Ruppert is an anagram of “Party Purger”.

    That’s why there’s an extra P in his second name.

    Otherwise it would be “Arty Purger” or “Party Urger” and that wouldn’t do at all.

  22. Kathleen said,

    August 18, 2006 at 21:36

    did you have El Gato Negro help you with Gary’s lines, Brad?

  23. Matt T. said,

    August 18, 2006 at 22:30

    I still say Gary Ruppert is someone’s sock puppet. It’s just a bit, a tee-niny bit, too looney. The bit about the Democrats daring to be too far to the right on illegal immigration is probably what done it for me. Though I do remember his butt-first exit from Eschaton when he predicted Patrick Fitzgerald would bring charges against Joe Wilson and Valerie Plame for whatever the hell reason he had. Just a bit too wacky, and I’ll only buy so much.

    And I still don’t quite swallow the idea that Karl Rove actually pays people to troll lefty blogs. I mean, why? Think of the baseline of Bush apologist wingnut blogs – your Malkins, your Goldsteins, your Atlas Pams – and you full-on apologist media. They’re doing it cause they want to, so why should anyone pay for it? Just seems a waste of money, because come on… have you ever seen a troll actually change a solid partisan’s opinion on anything?

    So I prefer to think Gary is someone’s faux troll, someone in particular, but where lots of other folks play. I don’t know who, of course, nor do I really care. Seems a bit silly to me to purposely stir up unneccessary shit in a world already fraught with so much irritation, but what the hell.

    Either that, or he’s for real and he’s the scariest human being on the planet. Seriously, that much blind fear mixed with that much surging hatred is generally found rarely outside gatherings of dudes who sincerly think that if the government locks it down, they’ll be able to fight off the armed forces with their collected deer rifles. No horseshit, G-Dawg, you need to re-lax, son. Smoke a bowl, have a donut, get you a girl, something before you go crawling up a watchtower.

  24. Hugely said,

    August 18, 2006 at 22:51

    I think he is a sock puppet too – he used "Democratic" too often when Democrat should have been used. Also his vocabulary and grammar are pretty good

    but anyway I like it – its fun seeing the puppet show – kinda like the 4th wall is breaking down (or is diaphanous*) in the theatre

    * sorry for the $10 word – im a limousine liberal

  25. s.z. said,

    August 18, 2006 at 23:23

    I think that Gary is one of the Underpants Gnomes — one who has found a new, even more important, mission in life.

  26. Anne Laurie said,

    August 18, 2006 at 23:25

    Amusing, but too complicated, guys. Gary trolls for the same reason the Sadly, No! proprietors read Atlas Juggs — to get that warm glow of feeling superior to all around him. Remember Lyndon Johnson explaining why he didn’t “vote his conscience” when presented with the specter of a hopeless loss in the Senate?

    “It’s like p*ssing yourself when you’re wearing a navy suit. It gives you a warm feeling, but nobody else much notices.”

    If Gary were posting to LGF, he’d be just another “So say we ALL!!!!” spearcarrier. Here among us moonbats, his pixilated pants-pishings get him a [chamber utensil] full of attention! Ah, the warmth, the coziness! Not to mention the nostalgic rush he gets when our online abuse edges into his momma’s vocabulary whilst she was potty-training him… [insert your favorite punchline here, 'cause I'm too lazy to type them all out]…

  27. mdhatter said,

    August 19, 2006 at 0:36

    “Gary trolls for the same reason the Sadly, No! proprietors read Atlas Juggs — to get that warm glow of feeling superior to all around him.”

    yeah, but by posting he loses the inherent dignity that comes with that position. I’m willing to indulge Gary endlessly, because a mind is a terrible thing to waste.

  28. thebewilderness said,

    August 19, 2006 at 0:53

    I think Anne is correct. The morological argument goes unnoticed in bedlam.

  29. ahem said,

    August 19, 2006 at 1:42

    Rupperto is a Classic Troll. Simple as that.

  30. robotslave said,

    August 19, 2006 at 2:11

    You know, I don’t think you folks understand trolls at all.

    For starters, I think it’s a mistake to assume that Gary is actually a conservative, outside his troll persona.

    Well then what, you ask, could he possibly be up to? Why go to the trouble of adopting positions you don’t actually believe in? Is it some sort of strange “devil’s advocate” strategem? Perhaps, in part. But there is another, far more likely motivation:

    Trolls, you see, are motivated not so much by particular opinions, but rather by what they see as sanctimonious crowd behavior. Online discussion sites all too often resemble clucking church congregations or massive socialist rallies or other sociological phenomena in which emotion and group-belonging-feeling completely overwhelm reason, common sense, and sometimes even the very sense of self.

    When a troll (rightly or wrongly) perceives such a situation online, it becomes an irresistable target for mischief and street theater, because in the online world, the crowd can only react with words, whereas at the mass political rally or revival meeting, they might well use boots and truncheons.

    The troll, then, gets to feel the rush of speaking truth to power, or at least disrupting the call-and-response rhythms of the preachers and the choir, without risking anything more than a barrage of furious ascii.

    With this in mind, it should be clear that so long as the discussion is centered not on the topics preferred by the leaders, preachers, or Primary Site Contributors, but rather on the troll’s arguments, the troll itself, the particulars of the troll’s motivations, or on troll theory generally, the troll is winning, and trolling as a tactic is being proven effective.

    There are certain parallels with the fillibuster here, though I wouldn’t make too much of the comparison.

  31. Kathleen said,

    August 19, 2006 at 2:15

    what is really fun to do, when Gary posts a comment, is to go to Matt Drudge’s website. Literally, almost always the same.

  32. mikey said,

    August 19, 2006 at 3:07

    It really doesn’t matter, at least to me. When I engage with Gary, or Jose, or whatever alien entity is trolling whatever lefty blog I happen to be reading, what’s really happening is I’m taking ground balls. Shagging flies. I know I’m going to run into wingnuts in the real world. I want to have finely honed, smoothly delivered, rational answers. Without a little time on the practice field, when somebody spouts off with something so stupid, so evil or so murderous, I am left spluttering and stuttering. After a few rounds with a couple of nutso trolls, I have a refined, concise response in my frontal lobe, and am prepared for whatever I encounter. It’s like with creationists. If you don’t learn the the answers to their stupidity, you can be perceived by someone else to have “lost” the debate and they might be persuaded. Can’t let that happen…

    mikey

  33. Gratis said,

    August 19, 2006 at 3:15

    Gare-bear is my most favoritest troll evar!!!1!!1 He’s oh-so warm and fuzzy…in a snake caught in the yarn basket kind of way. Without his “facts” I think I would just be lost, wandering a lonely and mysterious world of unknowing lefties and libtards. Thank you, Gary Ruppert, Fuzzy Snakelike Thing Extraordinaire.

  34. Anne Laurie said,

    August 19, 2006 at 4:15

    “When a troll (rightly or wrongly) perceives such a situation online, it becomes an irresistable target for mischief and street theater, because in the online world, the crowd can only react with words, whereas at the mass political rally or revival meeting, they might well use boots and truncheons.

    The troll, then, gets to feel the rush of speaking truth to power, or at least disrupting the call-and-response rhythms of the preachers and the choir, without risking anything more than a barrage of furious ascii.”

    Oh, c’mon, Robotslave! There are plenty of us moonbat Aginsters providing ‘mischief & street theatre’, aka ‘puncturing the gasbag bubbles’ on every leftist blog I’ve ever trolled — I mean, perused. Trolls like Gary don’t even achieve street-mime levels of performance art. They’re just the webby equivalent of the Subway Crazy, wandering from car to car, muttering obscenities and stinking of bodily wastes and alcohol. Because we are Liberals, we don’t believe in locking these tragic individuals up or banning them from our concourses. Instead, we look away, we pretend they aren’t violating every social norm, or we offer them the spare change of our intellectual debates by trying to reason with their ‘logic’ and ‘arguments’. Certain trolls actually become Part of the Community — Gary is like the homeless guy singing tunelessly on the platform that you always slip a buck just because you know he’s trying so hard for so long for so little result. The saner posters would actually worry if Gary didn’t show up for a few days, like you worry that “your” subway caroller might have gotten arrested or been in a fight with a meaner drunk over at LGF.

    To stretch the analogy, the Progressive/Moonbat blogs tend to prefer the Policing method of troll control in our open markets, while the Righteous/Wingnut blogs prefer paying rent-a-gun security to hustle offenders out of their closed suburban malls .

  35. mikey said,

    August 19, 2006 at 4:25

    The saner posters would actually worry if Gary didn’t show up for a few days, like you worry that “your� subway caroller might have gotten arrested or been in a fight with a meaner drunk over at LGF.

    Anne, I love you…

    mikey

  36. Anne Laurie said,

    August 19, 2006 at 4:39

    Thank you, Mikey. Now, as long as my DH doesn’t get suspicious …

  37. Sir Oolius said,

    August 19, 2006 at 4:50

    Coco Crisp: El hecho es, Sox are ahead…

  38. g said,

    August 19, 2006 at 5:19

    “Online discussion sites all too often resemble clucking church congregations or massive socialist rallies or other sociological phenomena in which emotion and group-belonging-feeling completely overwhelm reason, common sense, and sometimes even the very sense of self.”

    Yes, but Sadly, No! doesn’t really fit this description. We’re all about snark. Is it that Gary has simply picked the wrong blog to troll?

    But even the fact that he hasn’t quite figured that out makes him ever so dear and funny for us.

  39. Gentlewoman said,

    August 19, 2006 at 6:21

    I think he is a sock puppet too – he used “Democratic” too often when Democrat should have been used. Also his vocabulary and grammar are pretty good

    I think that’s one of the ways you can tell when it’s one of the numerous fake Garys. There are other ways, but I’ve already said too much!

    I am not sure the ‘real’ Gary Ruppert even comments here any more. Or if it ever did. The latest Garybot posts, for example, just don’t seem to have that humourless, charmless lack of affect I remember from the Gary Ruppert of old.

    Get off my lawn, etc.

  40. Repo Man said,

    August 19, 2006 at 8:31

    I wonder if he is the same nutjob that goes around “correcting” people (“Wrong. It never happened”) when they mention the time when Rush Limbaugh implied that Chelsea Clinton was the Whitehouse dog on his TV show, by posting a section of a transcript of a completely different episode? That guy has even deleted the Wikipedia entry about the Chelsea/Limbaugh episode.

    Can’t edit my memory though; I saw that episode of Limbaugh’s short lived show.

  41. J. A. Baker said,

    August 19, 2006 at 9:22

    Certain trolls actually become Part of the Community — Gary is like the homeless guy singing tunelessly on the platform that you always slip a buck just because you know he’s trying so hard for so long for so little result.

    In other words, Gary is to the Sadly, No! community what Leslie Cochran is to Austin, TX?

  42. Marq said,

    August 19, 2006 at 10:19

    robotslave said, “With this in mind, it should be clear that so long as the discussion is centered not on the topics preferred by the leaders, preachers, or Primary Site Contributors, but rather on the troll’s arguments, the troll itself, the particulars of the troll’s motivations, or on troll theory generally, the troll is winning, and trolling as a tactic is being proven effective.”

    So, kinda like every post in this thread? Of course, the official subject of this post is teh Garybot, so this is the one post he can’t totally disrupt, though I am a bit surprised that he hasn’t popped in here and spouted some nonsense about Lamont hiring a former GOP operative, thus proving he’s out to destroy teh Democrats (Convienently ignoring the fact that the “independant” Lieberman campaign has hired a current GOP pollster and is sharing info with them!). You know–that kind of crap.
    Show up soon, Gare Bear! I want to hear you spin how Duke Cunningham dropping off a duffel bag containing $36, 000 in cash and his dirty BVDs on his estranged wife’s driveway upon the eve of his arrest will really just hurt the Democrats, ‘cos it proves that they’re too [something]. I really want to hear crazy-ass stories like that!
    Though I still think Dr. BLT was Sadly, No!’s best troll evah! Garebot just doesn’t know how to play to an audience. OK, arguably, neither did BLT, but at least he seemed to have a rudimentary sense of humor (to go with his other underdeveloped emotions and senses). In the real Gary? Totally lacking. Yet another way to spot a faux-Gary–any humor, whatsoever, with the possible exception of completely inadvertent funny. But that’s hard to prove.
    And Jose Chung is really awful, like something sharted out by my dog after a day of rousting about in the woods. Ick.

  43. mikey said,

    August 19, 2006 at 18:55

    Marq! I think you’re onto something here. The proprieters of this fine outpost in outer Left Blogistan ought to keep a running ranking of the regular trolls. Kind of like the Standings, but more like the Wild Card race. As they amuse us, annoy us or surprise us, those rankings would change. I would like to see, however, some sort of option to vote Jose Chung off the island…

    mikey

  44. Gentlewoman said,

    August 19, 2006 at 19:55

    mikey, I think you may get your wish, I noticed the Wank Chung was back posting more insane drivel at Digby’s yesterday. So perhaps its sojourn at S,N! was just a brief holiday for it. We can only hope. Because that is one boring troll. It’s never even inadvertently funny, like the Garybot(s) are.

  45. Sexy Sadie said,

    August 19, 2006 at 20:26

    That person is too cute to be Gary.

  46. Dan said,

    August 19, 2006 at 20:32

    > I am not sure the ‘real’ Gary Ruppert even comments here any more. Or if it ever did.

    Which Gary is more ‘real’: The ‘real’ Gary Ruppert (if he ‘really’ exists), or the self-replicating cultural code that’s replaced him?

  47. Jillian said,

    August 20, 2006 at 1:07

    Marq! I think you’re onto something here. The proprieters of this fine outpost in outer Left Blogistan ought to keep a running ranking of the regular trolls. Kind of like the Standings, but more like the Wild Card race.

    Could we then have Fantasy Trolling Leagues? Mayhap get some of the other objectively pro-terrorist blogs to rank their trolls as well?

  48. Marq said,

    August 20, 2006 at 4:21

    I like the idea of a Top Trollz listing, perhaps a top 5 of all time, since we have a fairly limited field to work with. There’s open space in the margins. We could vote on the contenders in a comments thread, like for s.z.’s Ultimate Wingnutâ„¢.

  49. Sexy Sadie said,

    August 20, 2006 at 6:11

    like the idea of a Top Trollz listing, perhaps a top 5 of all time, since we have a fairly limited field to work with.

    I second that notion. Obviously Gare-Bear and Annieangel are our chief contenders, but let us not forget Dr. BLT, all those brain-dead neo-Nazis, and the overly-defensive libertarians that have popped up from time to time.

  50. Jillian said,

    August 20, 2006 at 15:22

    *coughcougheandayesmaycoughcough*

  51. GoatBoy said,

    August 20, 2006 at 23:43

    robotslave,

    Do you have a function here besides boring the piss out of everyone with your clueless pseudo-soliological pontifications? Because I notice not everyone here agrees or gets along all the time. Or most of the time. For example, Rush doesn’t totally suck and the Red Sox do. See?

    Did you spill coffee on your S,N! notes and so had to make do with your Atrios card?

    Thppth!

  52. Marq said,

    August 22, 2006 at 19:47

    And let us not forget the fans of Limp Buzkit, though like the NeoNazis, they have something of a one track… mind?

  53. John said,

    August 31, 2006 at 23:25

    “Repo Man said,

    August 19, 2006 at 8:31

    I wonder if he is the same nutjob that goes around “correcting� people (�Wrong. It never happened�) when they mention the time when Rush Limbaugh implied that Chelsea Clinton was the Whitehouse dog on his TV show, by posting a section of a transcript of a completely different episode? That guy has even deleted the Wikipedia entry about the Chelsea/Limbaugh episode.

    Can’t edit my memory though; I saw that episode of Limbaugh’s short lived show. ”

    I AM that guy who deleted that entry, and you are a liar. You NEVER saw that episode. Its amazing. At the time the show aired, liberals swore off watching the show. Now when they come up with this innaccurate description of eventsd on Rush’s show, then corrected with what really happened, instead of admitting their mistake, they LIE about having seen the episode themselves. Now, I can believe liberals watching his show from time to time when it was still on the air, but it seems that all of you, out of thousands of episodes (his tv show was on the air five days a week for 9-10 months out of the year for four seasons), coincidentally saw that very same episode. Yet I cannot find a single conservative, who watched the show religiously, who claims to have seen those phony version of events. Only liberals, or people who hate limbaugh, claim to have seen it.

    Cant edit my memory either. I didnt miss an episode, and it never happened as you described

    “by posting a section of a transcript of a completely different episode? ”

    Baloney. That transcript is the ONLY episode in which this incident occured. Your version of events never happened. It is a lie that GREW out of the real and original version of events shown in the transcript. But if I’m wrong, or lying, then try to prove me wrong. Go try to find the correct transcript. Better yet, a video (Rush sold each and every episode of his show on video). You will note that in all the years you libs have been trying to lie about what happened on the show, NONE of you have provided either a transcript or video of events.

  54. Sadly, No! » Meet the New Gary, Not the Same as the Old Gary said,

    December 4, 2006 at 0:27

    [...] 2.) Many of you have been asking why Gary Ruppert, the infamous Sadly, No! troll/illegal immigrant, wasn’t deported back to Mexico after the Democrats swept into power last month. The answer is, he has. The Gary we’ve known and loved for the past eight or so months is now back in his home country, living on a steady diet of llama urine. [...]

  55. Sadly, No! » Fire Richard Cohen said,

    May 29, 2007 at 9:48

    [...] they have a steady supply of cheap labor. It ain’t about helping the immigrants, amigo. Ask poor little Gary Ruppert. Allow me to make the case that this is also true when it comes to Iraq. I acknowledge that the war [...]

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    August 16, 2008 at 1:49

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    Just wait until Heartland Law Firm gets through with you.

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