wha?

“Jesus Take the Whip”

Catchy title, but hard to dance too; I give it an 87.

Jesus has no truck

Then where does he hang his Trucknutz?!!!!!!!!! And where does he put his “I’m just here to piss off liberals” bumpersticker?

WTWJD?

“dance to…” Fucking English language!

And if you can’t beat your neighbor, you can always beat your meat! (Or at least be accused of it!!)

Alternate shorter: Since the beliefs I have invented for OWS protesters include complete opposition to banking and money in general, they’re a bunch of hypocrites for accepting and depositing a donation.

I love the smell of fresh thread in the morning!

A CNN anchor asked earlier this week whether or not Jesus would occupy Wall Street.

That’s your problem right there. Who the fuck cares what Bryan Fisher thinks?

My goodness, he really knows what they’re thinking! Why, it’s almost as if he were making it all up himself!

He is absolutely right. Rabbi Yeshua would not occupy Wall Street. Rather, he would cast them out and damn them to the eternal fires of Hell. Rabbi Yeshua does not like money lenders in any shape or form.

Jesus is the Supreme 1-Percenter. If He were alive today he’d be a hedge fund manager and have more money than God.

What’s all this I hear about Jesus ghost riding the whip?

I believe the accompanying artwork shows ‘Jesus’, if that’s his real name, with a Winchester 30-06 ‘The Gun That Won The West’. Most true Christians know when ‘Jesus’, if that’s his real name, returns to this worldly plane, he will be packing a Colt 45 ‘Peacemaker’.

Pron name:

“Piece Maker”

Too early?

Apparently God hates orthography the way a conservative hates logic. Holy Mother Of Fuck … that thing reads like it was edited using a dart-board &/or fridge magnets. Either he never bothered to read this lump of POOP before he posted it or he needs new lenses ASAP.

When government confiscates wealth by force from some citizens and transfers that wealth to others, that’s not welfare and it’s not compassion. It is nothing less than legalized plunder.

You mean like the thieving law that keeps denying society any of its rightful tax revenue whatsoever from all those super-rich mega-churches, Bryan? Or maybe you mean the law that uses peoples’ tax money to subsidize oil companies that are swamped with more profit than they even know what to do with? Or maybe you’re referring to everyone having to pony up for all those bloody freeloading Armed Services socialists living the life of Riley over yonder in Iraq & Afghanistan?

Jesus teaches the redistribution of wealth — as long as the transfer is voluntary. But he is adamantly opposed to the involuntary redistribution of wealth, because that violates the moral law of God and is profoundly wrong.

I’m glad to know that the money-changers in the Temple all VOLUNTEERED to be the beneficiaries of Christ’s “surprise buttsex redistribution” scheme. Also: burn in hell, Robin Hood!

My firearm pedant is demanding keyboard time. Winchester yes, thirty aught six no. I don’t know offhand just when that caliber was intro’d but I’m sure it wasn’t the model 1873. I’m thinking it was after even my Model 1886 .33 (mfrd. 1903).

Well if we’re asking )and care) what imaginary characters would do, why aren’t we also considering what Zeus, Superman, Pink Panther, the Easter Bunny, Little Orphan Annie and Bugs Bunny would do? Let’s be inclusive folks and not just give political weight and meaning to the imaginary actions of only one groups imaginary friend.

the Occupiers are driven by a dark, bitter, resentful, angry and acquisitive greed for stuff that belongs to other people.

Yesssss.

I want
Bryan Fischer’s
sweater collection!

Hey! How’d this eye of a needle get here and why won’t my camel fit through it?

I want
Bryan Fischer’s
sweater collection!

Me too!

Same sort of misread from John Nolte.

buttsex redistribution”

OK, I’ll admit to being a buttsex socialist. I do think everyone is entitled to a little buttsex. And some of those hot gay guys are HOGGING IT ALL.

Didn’t Jesus say “Its alright for the poor to get poked in the eye with a needle as long as the rich man gets a free camel.” or am I remembering the parable wrong?

Jesus had a big fucking house and took a helicopter to the office.

why aren’t we also considering what Zeus, Superman, Pink Panther, the Easter Bunny, Little Orphan Annie and Bugs Bunny would do?

Absolutely. What would Fred Astaire do? What about Caligula? And what would the Founding Fathers do if they’d been sitting around all day smoking joints and watching the Cartoon Network and the Emperor Franz Josef suddenly walked in and pissed on the carpet?

In this example, OWS protesters are the money changers and the Wall Street gamblers are the temple faithful, because the protesters want money to change.

And then Jesus would render the protesters to Caesar.

You know what Zeus would do at OWS? Bang all the hot hippie chicks. Believe this.

You know what Zeus would do at OWS? Bang all the hot hippie chicks. Believe this.

Yeah, but he’d first disguise himself as a swan or bull, and I’m not sure how turned on the modern OWS woman would be by a horny swan.

You know what Zeus would do at OWS? Bang all the hot hippie chicks. Believe this.

And from these unions there would arise a multitude of hippie Hercules’s.

But he is adamantly opposed to the involuntary redistribution of wealth, because that violates the moral law of God and is profoundly wrong.

Where are those verses again?

PS “paying taxes” is not “the involuntary redistribution of wealth” no matter what you think, but it is one thing he addressed specifically.

PPS In case you’re still not finding that bit, he said you were to pay them because it was the government’s money anyway.

fywp

But he is adamantly opposed to the involuntary redistribution of wealth, because that violates the moral law of God and is profoundly wrong.

That bit in the Bible where Jesus hung out with tax collectors and everyone was like, “OMSoG! Did you know Jesus hangs out with … Tax Collectors!?” “No WAY, they’re worse than lepers!”

Yeah, well you imagined that too.

Seriously, my vestigial belief in Christiany things causes me to cringe when I see how fast and loose these numbnuts play with the Gospel.

It’s like watching someone you loathe juggle lit sticks of dynamite. You know what’s going to happen to his ass and you don’t care about that. However, you’re still nervous because you don’t know how far away you need to stand to a) Enjoy the fireworks without b) Getting caught in the blast yourself.

When government confiscates wealth by force from some citizens and transfers that wealth to others …it is nothing less than legalized plunder.

So Fischer is advocating that the armed forces of the United States be entirely funded by voluntary charitable donations?

Yeah, but he’d first disguise himself as a swan or bull, and I’m not sure how turned on the modern OWS woman would be by a horny swan.

Per Rule 34, someone will have a link ready shortly.

I’m not sure how turned on the modern OWS woman would be by a horny swan.

Then clearly you haven’t been paying attention: Hippies are depraved, boundary-less fuck-machines, mmk?

I told you the woman on swan sex was coming!!!

Hippies are depraved, boundary-less fuck-machines

Apparently not the ones I went to college with. Sigh.

Apparently not the ones I went to college with. Sigh.

And were you wearing your swan costume? No? Well, you know, you have to put some effort into these things, Major Kong.

Is that like when my wife makes me dress up like Little Bo Peep?

Oops, now I’ve said too much.

what Zeus would do at OWS? Bang all the hot hippie chicks. Believe this

And not a few of the hot gay boys who are hogging all the butsecks. Just ask Ganymede.

Is that like when my wife makes me dress up like Little Bo Peep?

No, that’s furrydom, the swan thing is featherydom.

Once you go black swan
You never go back, hon

Big J’s rifle up there seems to want to be an 1892, often chambered for pistol-also rounds like the .44-40, though it has been offered in any number of non-pointy-tipped flavors. The .30-06 not only came a bit later, and is way too long to fit a 92, but does not lend itself to tubular magazines in general due to the aforementioned pointiness. Spring pressure + pointy tip + primer of next cartridge = boom.

Just to beat that horse once more.

Could be a .45-70?

.45-70 is also too long for a ’92. The 1894 would do that, but the short loading port seems to say ’92 for Big J. The ’92 is also what John Fuckin Wayne used in most of his cowboyin movies, and I’d give fair odds the artist is a big JW fan.

I’s been a long time since I read the Bible, but I seem to recall an entirely different view of this Jesus character. I wish he would come back just so he could tell these asshats to STFU.

I’m sorely tempted to sue my parents for making me go to Sunday School for all those years and hearing how Jesus was all about love. charity and looking after those less fortunate then yourself. 9 year old me would have liked the Jesus being an arsehole version loads more.

The ’92 is also what John Fuckin Wayne used in most of his cowboyin movies

Which would the only time that Marion Robert Morrison ever carried a rifle – what with avoiding service in WWII and all that.

9 year old me would have liked the Jesus being an arsehole version loads more.

I live in a nation of 9 year olds.

I live in a nation of 9 year olds.

And I’m telling Mom because you’re ON MY SIDE.

But he is adamantly opposed to the involuntary redistribution of wealth, because that violates the moral law of God and is profoundly wrong.

That must be what he meant when he said “Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s.”

I reckon arsehole Jesus would have allowed me to stay up after 9pm and eat fudge for breakfast. As for brushing teeth? That sounds like Marxism to me.

Jesus does not need a rifle.

Jesus does not need a rifle.

So, it’s as I suspected: There ARE sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their frickin’ heads and they’re all named “Jesus.”

So, it’s as I suspected: There ARE sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their frickin’ heads and they’re all named “Jesus.”

Precisely.

Seriously, my vestigial belief in Christiany things causes me to cringe when I see how fast and loose these numbnuts play with the Gospel.

Same here.

But really, those guys are “Christian” in the same sense that the commies in the old USSR were “Marxist.” Regardless of how you feel about the actual belief system, they’ve long since perverted it into something unrecognizable.

Alternate shorter:

I know Jesus so well, I can tell you what he thought without once quoting him.

Personally I am worried about the pancakes.

The hard-right conservatives who dominate the Republican Party claim to despise the redistribution of wealth, but secretly they love it — as long as the process involves depriving the poor and middle class to benefit the rich, not the other way around.

Damn straight. Though Bryan Fischer is probably too fucking stupid to realize it even if it were spelled out in short sentences of monosyllabic words. With toy blocks. Also too stupid to realize that’s exactly how “job creators” profit: by paying laborers less than the value their labor adds to goods and services.

“Probably?”

Because I am so sick of these assholes and because it is fucking snowing in Baltimore in October, I have decided to make some comfort food – wedding soup. It is my brother’s version of my grandmother’s – enjoy\
1 Large Chicken

1 onion chopped fine

Your choice on the amount of the next three ingredients

carrots, chopped

celery chopped

meatballs

1 head escarole, chopped fine

Water

salt and pepper to taste

2 eggs beaten

1/2 cup parmesan cheese grated

Soak chicken in salt water for 1/2 hour
Discard water and chop chicken into pieces
Chop onion, celery and carrots and put in a pot with the chicken, Cover with water and boil for 2 hours
Take the chicken from the broth and remove the skin and bones
Make 1/2 inch meatballs. Add to soup and simmer for an hour
In a separate pot boil chopped escarole for 15 minutes, rinse and drain
Boil for an additional 20 minutes, rinse and drain again to keep soup from being green
Check soup, add water, salt and pepper to taste. Add escarole
Beat the eggs and cheese together, mix into the soup
Cover soup and let stand until ready to serve

I say,…. I say,…
Oh shit, a chicken recipe.

Weelll, at least it doesn’t have any breading in it.

I just can’t abide all those crumbs!

It’s a giant chicken!

So Fischer is advocating that the armed forces of the United States be entirely funded by voluntary charitable donations?

Kinda. When Jesus said render unto Cesar what is Cesar’s he clearly meant Jewish Americans should foot the bill. Seriously. It’s in The Gospel of the Holy Stoat!

But really, those guys are “Christian” in the same sense that the commies in the old USSR were “Marxist.”

You’re very kind. I would say they’re “Christian” in the same sense that Joe the Plumber is a “nuclear physicist.”

Is that like when my wife makes me dress up like Little Bo Peep?

Oops, now I’ve said too much.

And now we know you’re DKW’s dad.

The Dragon-King’s dad feels so glad when he’s had
A gangbang of ten cocks or more
But he won’t charge a fee, and so we can all see
That it’s really his mom who’s the whore.

Yeah, but he’d first disguise himself as a swan or bull, and I’m not sure how turned on the modern OWS woman would be by a horny swan.

Zeus doesn’t care how turned on she is. He was never that into consensual sex.

Could be worse. She could make you dress up as Little Bee Poop.

Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s
Obviously an instruction to boil the poor and extract their tallow.

But really, those guys are “Christian” in the same sense that the commies in the old USSR were “Marxist.”

I find the term “Christopath” to be most accurate for clowns like this.

I think it’s important to say that Fischer is not just wrong morally, but factually:

Jesus teaches the redistribution of wealth — as long as the transfer is voluntary. But he is adamantly opposed to the involuntary redistribution of wealth, because that violates the moral law of God and is profoundly wrong.

Yeah? Really?

I’ll let the comedy duo of Cee Lo and Lester here explain why that’s crap.

And that’s to say nothing of the Old Testament laws about the Jubillee year and giving Widows and Orphans a crack at your wheat fields, but maybe I skipped the part where God said, “but only if you, you know, feel like it”.

Not to mention all the times God ordered his chosen people to kill some pagans and take all their stuff.

This isn’t one of those issues like self-defense, where reasonable people can disagree on what the Bible prescribes, or gay marriage, where the Bible is pretty clearly on the side of the bigots; Fischer is just wrong about what the Bible says, period.

Is that like when my wife makes me dress up like Little Bo Peep?
.
.
.
Could be worse. She could make you dress up as Little Bee Poop.

I found this extremely hilarious!!

God help me, … I really did.

First, Jesus has no truck with rank, blatant hypocrites. The OWS crowd has now fallen to squabbling over who gets a slice of the $500,000 which has been donated to them, and which, by the way, they put in one of the evil, greedy banks they are out to destroy.

So, the OWS crowd is like the Pharisees because as an informal, leaderless movement that operates by consensus it’s not easy to hash out the problem of securing and budgeting half a million dollars. Their whole message is, “Banks are bad. M’kay.”, is that what you’re saying, Bryan. Now they’re thinking of putting half a million dollars in a bank, and that proves that they’re hypocrites because if they were intellectually consistent and had integrity they’d keep that money in their pockets? Is that where you’re going with this, Bryan? O.K. Stupid or evil? What am I dealing with here, Bryan, tell me—stupid or evil. Or both? Stupid and evil?

You’re very kind. I would say they’re “Christian” in the same sense that Joe the Plumber is a “nuclear physicist.”

I find the term “Christopath” to be most accurate for clowns like this.

Point taken.

I remember a blog post once where some preacher expressed the opinion that right wing preachers weren’t just wrong but leading their flocks down an explicitly anti-Christian path and risking hell. Which, you know… I’ve got more than enough “vestigial” Christianity in me to find that plausible. (And at the very least, the secular part of me finds amusement in these assholes being threatened with the same “eternal damnation” they wave around at everybody as a “shut up that’s why”).

There’s a verse in Deuteronomy that goes “but the prophet who shall presume to speak a word in my name that I have not commanded him to speak, even that prophet shall surely die.” I’d like to see it plastered in front of every rightie preacher, personally.

I’d like to see it plastered in front of every rightie preacher, personally.

I vote for tattooing.

I vote for tattooing.

Seconded

I find the term “Christopath” to be most accurate for clowns like this.

If you haven’t seen “Redstate”, get it now! A supreme performance of a Christian cult leader will remind you that someone with a pleasant voice, who modulates his voice well, and who speaks “frankly” and “warmly” can be a barking mad killer. If you watched it with muted sound, he’d look like a kindly grandfather talking about how he just spent the day playing with the children, picking daisies in the field and reveling in their sweet, sweet innocence, because This is a day that God hath made. Rejoice!.

I had the rare (for Portland) pleasure the other day of encountering a preacher woman on the streetcar. She had her bibble and was going on so I said “yeah sister! Give it to us! Give them Timothy 2:12!” without missing a beat she flipped open, found the passage and … So I MADE her read it aloud. I’m such a meany.

Spearhafoc, who got really behind on the last thread and didn’t bother to catch up

Really missing out. The last 300 or so comments are nothing but porn links.

Swan secks? This is a rare opportunity:

“On the duck he did excellent work, he
Destroyed it, he never got jerky.
He smoothly went on
To a goose and a swan,
And we left him untired with a turkey.”

One of 17 limericks about bird sex from the late, great Aleister Crowley, who was likely a better Christian than Bryan Fischer

I never!!! Really—I never heard a limerick about interspeciesal bird sex before. Where have I been?

Best legal defense ever!

“Your worship, I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested,” a 28-year-old Zimbabwe man told a magistrate on Monday. The man, who had been arrested for being intimate with a donkey, admitted the conduct in question but claimed that the donkey had not been a donkey when he met her at a nightclub last Saturday night, but rather a prostitute.

“I don’t know how she then became a donkey,” he told the court.

Nor did he know, or at least did not explain, how she had gotten tied to a tree, but that happened sometime between when he hired her and when their tryst was discovered by police officers on “routine patrol” at about 4 am. In fact, he seemed deeply confused about a lot of things. “I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with [the] donkey,” he said. “I think I am also a donkey.” Well, if so that would not be a crime, at least.

http://www.loweringthebar.net/2011/10/shape-shifting-donkey-prostitute-strikes-again.html

Since you missed out, here’s another:

The boy who buggered a sea mew
Was tempted to tackle an emu
He said, when he lost:
“Though our love has been crossed
I’ll always sincerely esteem you.”

Mommy and Daddy always liked Bryan’s smarter brother Bobby better.

I also think that I am bowl of pudding, which is why I’m fucking it! Also, the pudding was asking for it.

The early church was (small-c) communist. Read Acts 4:32-35.

Something the Levellers, Diggers, and some of the Hussites understood.

Black swan suits are hawt.

Really missing out. The last 300 or so comments are nothing but porn links.

Redhead porn? I ask because a friend of mine…would really like it if I got to enjoy some redhead porn.

related

I don’t have a DA account yet so I’ll just say here that that pic is pretty awesome, vs.

Oh, VS, I was wondering if I could ask some Photoshop advice.

I’m doing a parody of the Shepard Fairey Obama poster (I know, I’m breaking fresh ground here), and I’m not sure how to do the stripey part*. I’m sure there’s a simple way to do it, but I only use Photoshop to colour ink drawings, so I have no idea what it is.

*The part with yellow and blue stripes here.

Aaaahhhh, frak. Been so long since I used so many of those filters. I wann say….it’s and Offset filter… I will check first thing in the morn and get back to you.

*hugs lurking furry*

I also think that I am bowl of pudding, which is why I’m fucking it! Also, the pudding was asking for it.

That is deeply offensive. I am fucking dis-custard.

I’ve already drawn it out. I’m just not sure how to recolour that layer with the horizontal stripe pattern.

Layer mask?

Color Overlay? Gradient Map?

Pattern fill?

We have to stop meeting like this.

vs – do you do art on commission?

I do. A couple people from here have used me.

A couple people from here have used me.

Harlot!

I will make art for anyone! I admit it!

There’s an “etchings” joke in there somewhere.

In other news, WTF?

From the comments in this ray of sunshine.

I do. A couple people from here have used me.,

OK. I see an email link on your blog.

Hmmm. Vacuumslayer, I am trying to release a book into the iBookstore, but the guy whom I asked to do my cover art is dicking me around. Would you be interested?

(If yes, don’t bother using the email linked to my name. It’s a spam-catcher.)

(Yes, “Spam-catcher” sounds dirty.)

Obviously an instruction to boil the poor and extract their tallow.

Whatever you do to the least of these … Please capture it on film so I can watch in slow motion and LOL.

I remember a blog post once where some preacher expressed the opinion that right wing preachers weren’t just wrong but leading their flocks down an explicitly anti-Christian path and risking hell.

Oh I agree with that completely. I sometimes wonder if the Christian religious leaders who are curiously ignorant about the Bible (especially that boring New Testament big) know what they’re doing and are taking steps to make sure they’re surrounded by lots of familiar faces when their bobbing around in Satan’s jacuzzi.

See also the people who become really upset when you point out that the Roman Catholic Church has a little baby rape problem. Seriously? How messed up do you have to be to think “Hey, I know! God will really like it if I stick up for these sick sons of bitches!”

I also don’t get how you can read the New Testament and not have a few questions about religious leaders who live in (just by way of example) a fucking palace. But those are just two of the many reasons I excommunicated myself.

Yes, I am.

Ftr, if anyone wants to talk to me about hiring me, you can email me at manipulativewitch@gmail.com.

That’s kinda my work email addy…and I dont bite.

And I now return you to your thread.

Was Bryan Fischer dropped on his head a lot when he was a child? Or yesterday?

I don’t even need to go to the link or read any of the comments – that shorter had me laughing my ass off.

Rereading the Shorter: Wait. Was Jesus kinky?

OR

SHORTER Shorter: OWSers…Jesus: He’s just not that into you.

I’m not even WORRIED about killing this thread. It’s about Jesus. It’ll resurrect itself in 3 days.

Whom Would Jesus Do?

The fact is, you biased liberals do not understand real Americans in the heartland.
We love America and God.
You just hate.
Our way is best, and it also means that the money taken from us at gunpoint to be restributed to lazy fucking retarded lazy goddam black negro welfare cheats generations dependency fucking leaches is unholy.
Obama is just like Hitler.

Is that like when my wife makes me dress up like Little Bo Peep?

Does she at least supply the sheep? Or do you have to run to the deli in the middle of the night?

Okay, I know pointing out Gary inconsistencies is like shooting fish in a barrel made of gunpowder, but
You just hate.
followed by
lazy fucking retarded lazy goddam black negro welfare cheats generations dependency fucking leaches
was kind of hilarious.

That wasn’t bad until the adjectival clusterfuck, which was so awful it made my eyes water. Nice partial save at the end, though. HEARTLAND.

Our way is best, and it also means that the money taken from us at gunpoint to be restributed to lazy fucking retarded lazy goddam black negro welfare cheats generations dependency fucking leaches is unholy.

I know this guy’s just a parody troll, but will take the opportunity to point out that anyone who lives in a red state and complains about ANYONE else getting redistributed money or living on welfare needs to shut his entitled, federal-subsidized piehole.

The “at gunpoint” made me think maybe Gary isn’t talking about taxation at all, and just refused to pay for his hooker and had a bad experience with her pimp.

What’s with the “men with guns” line from libertarian-ish folks? Aren’t they usually all about the guns?

That is deeply offensive. I am fucking dis-custard.

I..uh…wha…ih…doop..de doop…de doodly doopely doop…Where does this come from, oh you masters of pun?

VS, since someone has already asked, I just asked Clouds if he might consider having you do some cover art for a collection of his short stories. He has published some e-stories and has gotten a lot of hits and some great reviews. He writes science-fictiony and King like-horror short stories. It’s a hobby he put himself to while taking a creative fiction writing class to fill an elective for his degree plan. It’s a hobby he developed before the ice-cream making habit, and he often does it furtively when I’m not looking because he’s self-conscious. One of his stories is at http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/47298. It costs 99 cents to read. I read it here, but will pay the 99 cents so’s he can get a few cents for his efforts. I had to drag the address out of him, because he’s shy, and I had to convince him that he needs to toot his own horn and promote his own work on the internet if he wants a lot of people to read it. That’s a little contrary to his nature.

He’s seen your work vs, and he thought you would require a whole lot of money. I told him what you said about your situation, and that if he has an idea that intrigues and inspires you that maybe you two can work something out for a reasonable sum + services + professional credit, perhaps. I said you’d do great hot, space babes. He says he doesn’t want great, hot space babes. I said that if you’re game, you could maybe work something out.

Just a thought.

Fucking Leaches?

Gary wants to get it on with Robyn’s family.

Also, Fucking Leaches WMAEN4ARNRB.

As someone that knows sod all about US history, what is happening in the picture on the left of Renew America’s masthead? Some guy is rolling up his sleeve’s like he is looking for a fight, the guy on his right with the hat seems to be saying; ‘hold on there big man’, and there is what looks like a hippy with a bandana in the background playing a flute. And in the back an America flag furls gloriously in the wind. I dont know what the hell it is all about, but the imaginary is great.

[it would make a great caption competition, though!]

imagery, for fucks sake….

Hi, guys, it’s me! Before I address your questions, can someone answer mine:

1. Pilates??? Seriously?? You named a trendy exercise routine after my executioner?

2. What’s the deal with the new Roman Emperor, Berlusconi, why is he being bossed around by a woman and a short Gallic dude?

3. What’s Missouri, and why does the guy with the slick hair, who wants to become perfect of this new province you’ve got here, think I showed-up in that Missouri?

Looking forward! thanks…

I had the rare (for Portland) pleasure the other day of encountering a preacher woman on the streetcar. She had her bibble and was going on so I said “yeah sister! Give it to us! Give them Timothy 2:12!” without missing a beat she flipped open, found the passage and … So I MADE her read it aloud. I’m such a meany.

shit, man, im going to remember that one…

where is the other one that kind of goes; ‘If you misquote the bible, then you shall die’, or words to that effect? As suggested above, was looking in Deuteronomy, but cant find it….

I never heard a limerick about interspeciesal bird sex before.

The swans are reserved for the dons.

3. What’s Missouri, and why does the guy with the slick hair, who wants to become perfect of this new province you’ve got here, think I showed-up in that Missouri?

yes, why if you want JHC to be part of the American story, why have him appear in damn missouri? he should have appeared somewhere dramatic, like leaping the grand canyon, jumping off mount rushmore, etc, etc..

omg tintin..i love you…

and OMFG…i live in such a lame town thet the only two people that guessed my costume were a 22 ryr old co-worker and a 24 yr old cop…really?!?! devil in a blue dress (h/tt jennifer)….on the other hand, everybody guessed the daughter as ‘the bigest twins fan’…

…Same sort of misread from John Nolte….

Amusingly enough, annoying hippie woman in that episode (Quickie Nirvana) of The Rockford Files turns to Jesus at the end of the show.

I have a poem that expresses my disgust with people who thought that Jesus would be behind the destruction of Iraq and turning little Iraqi children and pregnant women into pink mists. I really want to tear their hair out by the handful, by the roots when I hear such talk.

The faithful would sooner tear out their tongues
than wag their forks in this murderous storm,
and sin against Christ.

“Whatever you do to the least of my children, you do unto me.”
“Get thee behind me.”

I will never stop feeling the shame of what we did to that country. Nor is it mine to forgive. O.K. That’s all the negative talk I’m doing for the rest of the night. It’s been a productive day. I’m going to take my meds, lie down on my futon couch, and watch Louis C.K. “Shameless” on my glorious new flat screen t.v.

So, they’ve altered the “Jesus tossed the money-changers out of the temple” to, “Jesus tossed the people wronged by the money-changers out of the temple, beat them with a thin cord, and said it was their own damn fault for not meeting their interest loans in a timely fashion and one cannot blame the money-changers, those paragons of Godly will, for their well-being.”

Ask a stupid question, but when will they alter “Jesus died on the cross for your sins” to “Jesus died on the cross because you filthy people weren’t worthy of him, unlike us who are blameless and sinless by birth”?

OK, Pookietronic is completely transfixed and delighted by The Tim and Eric Show. I have no idea what to think about this.

Is he on drugs?

Who Would Jesus Occupy, if not the moneylenders, Brian?

Remember, Fisch, he considered any lending of money at interest…ANY interest….usury.

The OWS protest is about money lent at interest, at its very heart.

So who would Jesus occupy?

I mean, besides Mary Magdalene.

The fact is, you biased liberals do not understand real Americans in the heartland.

If you’re any example, I think we got you rubes pegged perfectly.

Something the Levellers, Diggers, and some of the Hussites understood.

Only the shameless Hussites, though.

The fact is, you biased liberals do not understand real Americans in the heartland.

That’s why we call it the heart-land. Because the brain’s not here.

The fact is, you biased liberals do not understand real Americans in the heartland.

That’s why we call it the heart-land. Because the brain’s not here.

Plus that’s the bit that’s going to be the death of us if we don’t take steps to change for the better, steps like consuming more wisely and engaging in prudent activity.

Is he on drugs?

Perhaps he feels like he’s on drugs when he watches it.

Timothy 2:12, fuck yeah!

And don’t forget Matthew 6:5!

And don’t forget Matthew 6:5!

Never. Soooooo useful.

… and good old Leviticus 15:28-30…

Aw, stupid real life yesterday, I missed the opportunity to go mango hunting, Jesus style.

Micah 3 is worthwhile too (thanks, Fred Clark).

From stuffgodhates.com

Should people cheat God? Yet you have cheated me! “But you ask, ‘What do you mean? When did we ever cheat you?’ “You have cheated me of the tithes and offerings due to me. (Malachi 3:8)

I HAVE ALWAYS LOATHED CHEAPSKATES who never put enough money into the collection plate at church on Sundays. I don’t understand why these people got dressed and went to church in the first place. Do they think I will listen to their prayers after they have refused to tip me?

I give you people everything and I only ask for a measly 10% of all that you earn in return. You are a cheapskate if you give me anything less than that. A great number of cheapskates today give me on average only five to ten dollars per church service, and that’s if I’m lucky.

What Happens to Cheapskates

There are no cheapskates in Heaven. They all go to hell.

If you do not pay me what I am owed, I will strike you down with all of my vengeance. I will smash your face and I will break your legs. I will have you fired and I will destroy your home. I will kill you and your family and then send you all to hell.

I, The Almighty LORD, do not mess around when it comes to collecting on debts.

Why I Need the Money

Why do I need money? Quite frankly, I’m just bad with money. No matter how much I get, I always need more. But that’s not the point. I give you people everything. You people owe me.

Besides, we desperately need billions and billions of dollars to build more and more churches so we can spread the Word of God and collect more and more money. We need to pay our priests and pay-off our choirboys. And we need to waste a small portion of it on places like Africa and Detroit to make us look good.

Tithing Rate Increased

People are so stingy these days that even at a busy Sunday service, I’m lucky if the day’s take clears a lousy thousand bucks. How can I be expected to run a world-wide church on such a pittance?

The sad fact is that tithing funds have been going down with each passing year. I’m afraid the only way to make up for this budgeting shortfall is to significantly raise the tithing rate.

I, The Lord your God, hereby raise the tithing rate from 10% to 25%.

I feel that this is still more than reasonable and should not be a problem for all those who truly love me.

Rewards for all Faithful Givers

Dear mortal, I can make you this promise: If you will give me 25% of all the money you make every year, I will personally answer at least 25% of all your prayers.

In addition, if you act today, I can promise you that you will have it great when you die. I shall personally bless you with a VIP room in Heaven and all the puppies and ice-cream you can handle.

Doesn’t that sound nice?

The Thirty Commandments

http://www.adishakti.org/pdf_files…/ten_commandments_(atheists.org).pdf

The fact is, you biased liberals do not understand real Americans in the heartland.

That’s why we call it the heart-land. Because the brain’s not here.

Wouldn’t that make it….

Well, let me just say there’s an awful lot of toxic waste.

greatest photoshop ever

Jesus wouldn’t occupy wall street on my life, but what about on my resurrection?

chimpevil (aka Serj Tankian lead singer of System of a Down) said

Don’t bullshit us, man. If you ain’t him, you ain’t him.

WHY DO THEY ALWAYS SEND THE POOR, THEY ALWAYS SEND THE POOR THEY ALWAYS SEND THE POOR!

“render unto caesar” is completely about paying your taxes…..am i missing something?

Don’t bullshit us, man. If you ain’t him, you ain’t him.

Ok Tintin

Don’t bullshit us, man. If you ain’t him, you ain’t him.

Ok Tintin

Touche

In that case, WE’RE NOT WORTHY!!!!!!!

*prostrating*

Also too stupid to realize that’s exactly how “job creators” profit: by paying laborers less than the value their labor adds to goods and services.

I’ve been off the political intertubz for awhile but I just popped in here to laugh at some stupid right-wingers and wonder

HAS ANYONE YET QUESTIONED WHETHER JOB CREATORS ARE ACTUALLY FUCKING CREATING A SINGLE JOB?

I mean, that’s the main thing I think when some shit-for-brains right-winger pops off about “Job Creators.” I guess in my worldview if you want a title like “Job Creator,” you should have some kind of demonstrated history, of, you know, fucking CREATING A SINGLE FUCKING JOB, ONCE, EVER!!!! If I wanted a title that read something like “Consulting Systems Programmer” I would have to be able to point to a PROGRAM I had ever written, or a SYSTEM I had ever programmed. Of course, I AM that and I CAN point to those accomplishments because I earned them honestly.

I just think if you’re gonna get all kinds of passes for being a Job Creator, ya oughtta have some kind of accomplishments you can point to.
Sorry for the loud voice. I had to stop reading so much intertoobz politicking because of the blood pressure, etcetera.

Hi!
like you post: to my @doueghua twitter

That wasn’t Jesus that told that stupid spiteful man that taxes are theft, or that the poor are lazy. That was the effin’ ghost of Ayn Rand.

What a whore.

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