Eugene Delgaudio, a Republican official in Virginia’s Loudon County, best known for claiming that gay TSA agents were getting their jollies patting down male passengers’ junk, is sending out a letter to his constituents claiming that radical homosexual pirates have invaded Tampa Bay, Florida, and are roaming the streets. My bags are packed and I’m hopping the first flight to Tampa with my copy of “How To Talk Like A Pirate” safely tucked under my arm. What fun! I am particularly looking forward to some of the novel uses one might make of a parrot during a gay encounter with a pirate.
January 29th is the 106th annual Gasparilla Pirate Fest in Tampa Bay, Florida. By all accounts it is quite some event, opening with a real live pirate ship docking at port, and literally hundreds of people in pirate costumes “invade” the city in groups called “krewes” The event is a full two weeks of seemingly family oriented events
When I think of family-oriented events, real live pirates are pretty much the first things that pop into my mind. Nothing brings a family together like kidnapping, robbery on the high seas, plank-walking, rum-drinking, some fitful sodomy, and, of course, the occasional lash.
But in recent years Radical Homosexuals have been intent on turning it into a two week alcohol fueled display of public debauchery. Organizers started by purposefully making the parade route zig-zag so no one could call it a “straight parade.”
A little known fact about me is that I used to be more heterosexual than Charlie Sheen on coke in the Plaza Hotel until that fateful summer when I did a zig-zag parade route and wound up in the arms of a well-endowed and insatiable bullfighter before the parade was even close to finished. Once you’ve done the bolero with a torero you want no more-o the senora, as they say, more or less, in Seville.
Word is that Radical Homosexuals have infiltrated as event organizers to promote homosexual events that are designed to prey upon unsuspecting college students by enticing them to join their “krewes” and help build parade floats in exchange for free alcohol. When the young men are sufficiently intoxicated, homosexuals dressed as pirates whisk them away to God knows where to take advantage of them sexually.
Now, I was buying into the whole gay pirate invasion story right until this last bit. I have more than a little experience in the art of gay seduction and I can testify that plying some guy with free booze, even with a little float building thrown in for good measure, is not going to lead a perfectly straight college kid to consent to being whisked off for a little game of hide-the-sausage with a pirate or anyone else. The only person who might give credence to this notion is someone who has limped home after a late night session of buggery and tried to blame it on the Captain Morgan’s. We’re looking at you, Eugene
There are even countless stories of any number of immoral sex act being performed by open homosexuals – some even in broad daylight during the event.
Apparently, sex acts performed by non-open homosexuals are a-okay, which, of course, conveniently gives a pass to those thousands of closeted gay Republican politicians. We’re looking at you, Eugene.
As long as the Radical Homosexuals run free in our streets, they will continue to spread their debauchery and corrupt our culture.
Now would be the time for me to work in a butt pirate joke, but I’m just not coming up with one here.