Certain parts of the junior pseudo-intellectual division of the wingnut-o-sphere have been trying for quite some time to come up with the dispositive argument on gay marriage that does not rely on some proscription in Leviticus on feather boas and Lady Gaga records. The search for this Holy Grail has proved elusive, resulting so far only in such nonsense as “Every child deserves a mother and a father” which is, of course, more an argument against heterosexual divorce than an argument against, as they call it in the Swankish tongue, homonups.
Our latest participant in this quest is Dan McLaughlin, a blogger at Red State and, at least for the moment,* a securities lawyer of some kind at the firm of Sidley & Austin in their New York office. Dan’s entry is a post modestly titled “The Winning Statistic in the Same-Sex Marriage Debate: How Are Babies Made?” (Looking at Dan you can understand why he might indeed not be entirely clear how babies are made, but that’s another subject entirely.) Dan thinks he’s got the “winning statistic” that will once and for all dispose of all arguments in favor of gay marriage and that he can then collect the long-awaited prize for doing so, which is, he hopes, a gift certificate for a lifetime of bad Caesar cuts from the Hair Cuttery.
So … drum roll, please … what is this heretofore unknown statistic that Dan has for us? It appears to be his discovery that butt-fucking doesn’t always result in a pregnancy. No, seriously.
I have made the point at great length previously … that the most obvious legal argument for why opposite-sex relationships are different from same-sex relationships – and can be recognized as such in democratically enacted laws – is that they are vastly more likely to produce children, for reasons so biologically obvious they should not have to be repeated. Now the New York Times has given us some statistics from the Census Bureau that confirm the relatively low number of same-sex couples that are raising children
Now there are several layers of hilarity here. As something of an expert in, and participant in, the various permutations and combinations of homosex, I think I can provide my expert opinion that there is no risk of pregnancy from any of them. None. As in zero. So this business about straight sex being “vastly more likely” to produce children suggests that the next time Dan sees his Dad he gets a refresher of the “daddy-puts-his-thing-in-mommy-because-he-loves-her- and-then-a-baby-is-made” lecture.
But let us say for the sake of argument that you might become pregnant if you swallow or something and that some percentage of gay men really do get pregnant, the relative percentages of how often this happens is beside the point. Rich people have fewer children than poor people. Should only poor people be allowed to get married? And why should who is more likely to produce offspring determine who should get to import a spouse from Thailand, file a joint tax return, or send out wedding invitations to extort gifts from distant relatives? Shouldn’t other statistical differences be more relevant to marriage? Like whether straights or gays are more likely to have fabulous houses that increase property values of a neighborhood. Or whether straights or gays are more likely to drink blueberry mojitos. Or own pants. Or prefer the color blue. Or speak English.
Ah, there’s the ticket. Sociological research (which can be found in the nether regions of America’s Shittiest Website™) demonstrates that kids that have English speaking parents go to better schools, are less likely to do crack cocaine in sixth grade, and have higher median incomes when they grow up. So that’s the winning statistic, Danno. I win. But you can still keep the fucking Hair Cuttery Caesar Cut prize.
[h/t Evan Hurst]
*Speaking of loathsome law firm bloggers, this warrants an asterisk for Paul Mirengoff, who apparently was once a blogger over at Powerwhite Blog but now, it seems, not so much. His improvident rant on the ugliness of Native American blessings and the law firm beatdown he got as a result has now made it into, of all places, the American Bar Association Journal, extending Mirengoff’s humiliation far and wide.
At the end of the ABA article, we hear this from Mirengoff’s for-the-moment current law firm:
Akin Gump spokeswoman Kathryn Holmes Johnson tells the ABA Journal that the law firm is currently reviewing its social media policies.
Mirengoff has not posted anything at Powerwhite since January 15.