There Will Be No Apologies Here Either
ABOVE: John Hawkins. Double the pleasure, double the fun.
The first sentence of John Hawkins’s latest post — There Will Be No Apologies — is perhaps one of the quintessential “oh-my-god-he-didn’t-really-say-that-did-he?” moments in the history of the wingnutosphere:
If irony was made out of ice cream, we’d all be eating Banana Splits right now.
And, no, I’m not talking about his failure to use the subjunctive mood where required — “if irony were” — but rather, well, you know exactly what I mean. Admit it. Do I have to Photoshop a sammich in there too?
The irony to which Hawkins is referring is that CNN apologized for the use of the word “crosshairs.” “Ha, wussies,” Hawkins harumphs:
Just for the record, we here at Right Wing News don’t apologize for using the word “crosshairs.” Other words we don’t apologize for include job killing, kneecapping, firepower, shotgun, cut, campaign, brass knuckles, slaughter, eviscerate, obliterate, fire, snipe, carve, kill, reload, targeting, gut, bombed, terminate, axe, attack, and of course, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious murder-go-round. We also don’t apologize for calling CNN an embarrassing bunch of weenies who should man up, try to develop some testicular fortitude, and stop acting like such a bunch of little girls.
And, just for the record, we here at Sadly, No! don’t apologize for using the word whale, leviathan, behemoth, hippo, big fat candyass and, of course, mother-fricking ginormous. We also don’t apologize for calling Hawkins an embarrassing mound of man-boobed lard who should back away from the fried food buffet, lace up some tennis shoes, and take a run around the block, particularly so that he could become aware that almost any “bunch of little girls” could outrun him in heels and without breaking a sweat .
Indeed, irony does seem to be made out of ice cream.
never retreat, never surrender.
Alternate Caption: “Gimme four scoops of Irony, and fill the rest of the bowl with chocolate syrup. And man-sized spoon, not some pansy-assed “table” spoon.
Those are not man boobs, its just another layer of chins
If irony was made out of ice cream, we’d all be eating Banana Splits right now.
Dude. That would be like me saying, “If irony were a mix tape, we’d be listening to hip bands singing about sad shit.” Or, “If irony were a delicious Mexican dish, we’d all be eating the shit out of some nachos right now.”
That must be all the oxford cloth in the world.
Canadian Bacon 2: Siamese Twins
The only idiot is the idiot of ice cream.
If irony were horses than beggars would ride the train.
What?
TOTALLY!!! Girls are so ICKY!
Funny how it’s always the effeminate, pudgy, white-bread, rightwing lardasses telling everyone else to “man up”.
I remember the good ol’ days, when a man with a small peen would compensate by driving a huge, gas-guzzling truck or SUV. These days, all they have to do is run around shouting “reload! take aim! target!” and the like.
At least buying a huge gas-guzzling truck was good for the economy. But with the economy being in the shitter and gas so expensive, I understand why they felt the need to come up with a new, less expensive way to compensate.
Now you damn kids get offa mah lawn!
Just cuz he can’t find it doesn’t mean it’s small.
Moar wallowing in the There Will Be theme.
If irony were made out of ice cream, Jim Hawkins is drinking your milkshake.
I’m sure he has every military shoot-em-up game stacked up next to his X-Box.
Jim Hawkins’ milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
Funny how it’s always the effeminate, pudgy, white-bread, rightwing lardasses telling everyone else to “man up”.
Yeah, it doesn’t sound at all like they are just wanting to take it in the ass from a real man.
Just cuz he can’t find it doesn’t mean it’s small.
I lol’d.
I bet his x-box is so manly he’s renamed it an XY-PenisExploderofDoom.
John Hawkins is Stephan Seely. See 2:27.
A friend once borrowed my pick-up and when he returned it there was a cassette in the player. When I turned the truck on some crazy 80’s punk band was screaming; “Fist fuck ! Take it like a maaaaan!” over and over. Whenever some doughball like this starts talking about it being time to “man up” I’m reminded of that song.
If irony were made out of iron, his “humor” wouldn’t be so fucking anemic. LIKE GIRLS GET.
Wait. Are we implying that Young Jim Hawkins here is yearning for some Long John Silver to show him what life’s like out at sea?
I was going to post “With a flatter tummy, your penis would look bigger and you might not have to overcompensate quite so much. Honestly, be as beligerent as you like, but it’s not ever going to make you look manly until you lose the boobs.”
But then I thought he seemed like the sort who had the free time and blind rage to track down my work’s IP address, and it wasn’t worth the effort.
It’s also worth noting that Hawkins was a sponsor of something called Homocon. Maybe he’ll do it again, I dunno.
Is CNN going to apologize for the name “Crossfire”?
Is CNN going to apologize for airing “Crossfire”?
Is CNN going to apologize for Wolf Blitzer or Larry King?
Is CNN going to apologize for existing?
Surely someone here has already linked to, Baloon-Juice, I believe, where that candy-ass wimp, Teddy Roosevelt, called out the press for creating a climate of violence that led to the assassination attempt on TR.
Wait. Are we implying that Young Jim Hawkins here is yearning for some Long John Silver to show him what life’s like out at sea?
If so, he’d better hurry. The parent company of LJS has it on the block. I guess even Jim’s patronage didn’t bring in enough revenue.
If there’s any word he should apologize for using, it’s “news”.
See 3:15, too: “Go hide in your bum!”
And, of course, you advocate the same for every one of you pansies in the heartland who feels personally humiliated every time CNN asks Palin what the Bush doctrine is.
I assume when he says “acting like such a bunch of little girls” he means little girls who based on their interest in politics attend a meeting with their local rep, but then get shot and killed by deranged idiots.
Also too, why the capitalization of “banana splits” unless he was thinking of the Sid & Marty Krofft show? Maybe he was dreaming of “eating” Fleegle.
If Irony were an attractive female, or an unattractive female for that matter, and Master Hawkins was the last man on earth, he still could not get laid.
If litotes were made of ice-cream, perhaps Mr Hawkins would lose weight.
If the fundamental characteristics of gravity changed, he might lose weight.
They shouldn’t apologize for using the word “gut.” At least not until Dolly Parton apologizes for using the word “boobs.”
It’s Dewey Oxburger! The lean, mean fighting machine!
HE’LL DO IT!!!!
Asking him to “lace up some tennis shoes, and take a run around the block” is asking him to commit suicide. Bad sadlies, bad.
Ya know, perhaps people should stop mocking his effete obesity, After all, it’s what’s inside that counts; and like KJ Lopez & Limbaugh & so many others, theirs bodies are things of beauty compared to their little minds.
(what I meant to say was)
Ya know, perhaps people should stop mocking his effete obesity, After all, it’s what’s inside that counts; and like KJ Lopez & Limbaugh & so many others, his body is a thing of beauty compared to his little mind.
Stephan Seely I say! First minute of this. Snappy jacket!
John Hawkins YouTube clip.
If irony were Justin Bieber, John Hawkins would copy its haircut.
I’ll bet you can squeal like a pig, Johnny boy.
Irony like a banana split in WagonChunk’s link. “You’ve grown very large.”
Um, here’s another video clip. This is a man who has upped, indeed.
Lulz, Tintin. And sorry for posting above you so quickly after this went up.
If irony were a syrupy coffee drink, John Hawkins would invent the world’s first Trenta bong.
It’s an embarrassment of postings. How’s a guy supposed to fill a thread with inane OT rambling and dirty poems about your parents with you guys giving us new material so fast?
If synecdoche were made of leather, then wait I have to think about this.
John Hawkins YouTube clip.
mega-lulz to the questioner saying, ‘you’ve grown very large, you’re one of the go-to people on the Net’ …
And sorry for posting above you so quickly after this went up.
I, for one, offer my heartfelt thanks for getting that picture of Hawkins further down the page. That was truly a mitzvah.
I can’t get into making fun of this clown. he’s clearly developmentally disabled…
I assume when he says “acting like such a bunch of little girls” he means little girls who based on their interest in politics attend a meeting with their local rep, but then get shot and killed by deranged idiots.
Oh, snap.
Larkspur, the fat jokes do seem to be too easy.
“gs. How’s a guy supposed to fill a thread with inane OT rambling and dirty poems about your parents with you guys giving us new material so fast?”
Not to mention the fact that you’ve yet to flirt with/sexually harass me yet! *pout*
Other words we don’t apologize for include job killing, kneecapping, firepower, shotgun, cut, campaign, brass knuckles, slaughter, eviscerate, obliterate, fire, snipe, carve, kill, reload, targeting, gut, bombed, terminate, axe, attack, and of course, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious murder-go-round.
How far through this list did he get before the impotent sobbing began? I’m guessing ‘kill’.
Really? I’m guessing before he started.
When did the Corpulent Douchebag cloning program begin?
He’s the king, king of the blimps
What’s his name? John Hawkins.
He’s a wingnut, he don’t care
Shit-eating grin and arm pit hair
He’s a wingnut, he don’t care about YOuuuuuu
http://www.allthelyrics.com/lyrics/the_oppressed/joe_hawkins-lyrics-1238315.html
If irony was made out of ice cream, we’d all be eating Banana Splits right now, slowly, firmly, with intense effort, swallowing, trying not to gag, being careful with the bananas and making sure to wipe the sauce off our face, again and again, the hot sticky sauce
BRB.
Stephan Seely I say! First minute of this. Snappy jacket!
gah! i almost peed my pants…
‘you’ve grown very large, you’re one of the go-to people on the Net’ …
and do you know why he’s one of the go-to people on the Net? cuz, when he sits around the net….he SITS AROUND THE NET…
like KJ Lopez & Limbaugh & so many others, his body is a thing of beauty compared to his little mind.
Hear! Hear!
Of course. The posturing of a fat ornamental male. Argle bargle.
I do like “murder-go-round”, Although “angry-go-round” is arguably cooler, and “scary-go-round” had some good storylines.
It might be better for Mr. Hawkins if irony were a NutriSystem product.
You libs will pry my deep-fried Mars bar sundae, with double fudge sauce, marshmallow creme and rainbow sprinkles, from my cold, dead hands.
You libs will pry my deep-fried Mars bar sundae, with double fudge sauce, marshmallow creme and rainbow sprinkles, from my cold, dead hands.
If the trend between both featured videos is to be believed, I’d bet we might be able to do this soon enough. Heart attacks respond poorly to calls for civility.
On the good side, he probably won’t be clogging up the aisles at an assisted living faciilty. I’d say a blowout by 45 at the most.
If irony was* a chicken, this dolt would never stop fucking it.
Not even Pollyanna herself would expect an apology from an asshole.
——————————
* The subjunctive mood can blow me.
The subjunctive: not just a mood— it’s a verb tense!
And a floor wax! And a dessert!
He capitalized Banana Splits? I got visions of him chowing down on Fleagle or Drooper.
This made me smile.
I love photoshopping tubby conservatives’ heads on a variety of fat human and animal bodies. Let me know if I can ever be any help.
He sucks because he’s an obnoxious right wing nutjob. His weight has nothing to do with that. Can we back of the ha,ha ‘fatty mcfatperson stuffing their face’ jokes. Seriously. Not funny, not cool.
WHY ARE THERE TWO OF HIM