21
America’s Worst Bear Cub™
Can there possibly be anything more rife with comic possibility than a Big Hollywood post by America’s Worst Unemployed Lawyer and Film Critic™ Ben Shapiro in which Ben, of all people, laments the disappearance of the manly men’s man from American culture. It’s rather like an article about grooming and hygiene tips written by Jonah Goldberg.
Ben begins his lament with his (rather revealing) epitome of the masculine ideal: the abdominally ripped, pectorally grandiloquent, protruberantly crotched Superman.
I am constantly bemused by the attempt to re-set Superman. The original comics are classic pieces of Americana. The original movie with Christopher Reeve was wonderful in almost every way – the first forty minutes of the original Superman is pure magic.
Pure magic? Ben, buddy, you don’t write an article extolling manliness and then let a purse fall out of your mouth just 40 words in. I mean, you might have well as said that the first forty minutes were “faaaaaabulous”
Superman is sincere in his masculinity. He doesn’t wax his chest.
Our movie stars are now metrosexual rather than men’s men. It’s been a long transition, a transition that began with the androgynous heroes of the 1970s – testosterone-free actors like Dustin Hoffman and Jack Nicholson became pop culture icons, replacing the Errol Flynns and the Marlon Brandos.
Apparently they don’t teach you in law school that Marlon Brando admitted to his fair share of sucking cock and that Flynn, well, if he could hold it down, he fucked it, irrespective of the gender of the naughty bits involved. Can it simply be coincidence that Ben picks these two as his personal icons of masculinity?
More people will still shell out bucks to see Harrison Ford (as long as he stops the metrosexual post-Calista Flockhart crap) and Sean Connery than they will to see Robert Pattinson sans fangs. It’s not because they’re old. It’s because they’re dudes. Men want to be them. Women want to be with them. They kick ass, take names, and don’t shave their chests.
There we go with the chest-shaving issue again. Okay, Ben, we get it. You like bears. Thanks for sharing. (I think.)
Note from our New York law firm: Sadly, No! is not liable for any self-inflicted trauma resulting from efforts by its readers to obliterate from their brain the image of Ben Shapiro making the two-backed beast with John Podhoretz or this. See our terms and conditions.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
November 21, 2010 at 15:31
But the t.a.c. are in French!
I’ll sue anyways, NYLF. If you didn’t want to trick your readers into clicking on the links, then why did you put hypertext there???
~
Lex Luthor said,
November 21, 2010 at 15:46
Fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap.
HappyCamper said,
November 21, 2010 at 15:49
Yeah, Ben, I agree. Christopher Reeves is the manliest of men. As a gay teen, I never had any fantasy on Superman/ Reeves, no way. His hairy chest was too much for me.
Let’s get back to a time of real men, like Montgomery Clift, James Stewarts or John Travolta.
A quick translation of one line in Article 6 of the TAC:
Toute personne amenée à laisser des commentaires ou à publier en tant qu’auteur devra respecter les présentes conditions d’utilisation.
Any person posting a comment is hereby bound to spend eternity in Hell according to our current TOS.
These French lawyers, I’ll tell ya, they’re all in league with Satan. Well, these French people, actually.
HappyCamper said,
November 21, 2010 at 16:08
Darn, is it James Stewart or Cary Grant who’s supposed to be gay? I’m confused by their manliness.
vacuumslayer said,
November 21, 2010 at 16:16
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!
If I read one more fucking homoerotic paean to manly men my head will fucking explode.
Hey, here’s an idea, manly men. You like being a manly man? Be one. How about you let other men decide what “manly” is and let them do whatever the fuck they want, because they’re going to anyway. Even if you have a hairy chest.
Oh, and quit talking about kicking ass. I could make you cry in the space of 30 seconds. In fact, you’re probably crying now ‘cuz your fee-fees are hurt.
Tom Cruise said,
November 21, 2010 at 16:18
Mmmm………Bears
Steerpike said,
November 21, 2010 at 16:22
Hey, and what about Rock Hudson? Now there was a real man’s man, ifya knowwaddamean anIthinkyado
vacuumslayer said,
November 21, 2010 at 16:26
But, but…he had such great chemistry with Doris Day!
He really did, actually.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
November 21, 2010 at 16:32
…testosterone-free actors like Dustin Hoffman and Jack Nicholson…
WTF?!? Jack Nicholson? SRSLY?
HappyCamper said,
November 21, 2010 at 16:43
WTF?!? Jack Nicholson? SRSLY?
Yeah, I reacted a bit too quickly and missed this one. Anybody trying to pit Errol Flynn against Jack Nicholson in a manliness contest is seriously delusional. Why is it that those who whine against “metrosexuality” are always those who’d get the role of the (necessarily depressive) choreograph -according to their stereotype- in a movie whereas honest gay me has looks that would land him the role of the (possibly nazi) officer?
R. Porrofatto said,
November 21, 2010 at 16:44
I gotta hand it to Ben’s movie perspicacity to recognize stuff like this:
Jude Law hasn’t headlined a hit in his entire career (Sherlock Holmes was Robert Downey Jr.’s show, start-to-finish).
See, real movie critics notice the small stuff, like that Downey played the title character.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
November 21, 2010 at 16:47
Jack fucking Nicholson. Testoterone free. I… I… WTF?!?
And specifically in reference to the 70′s. The period in time bracketed by ordering toast at one end and all work and no play at the other. WITH MOTHERFUCKING CHINATOWN IN THE MIDDLE.
Chris said,
November 21, 2010 at 16:49
See, real movie critics notice the small stuff, like that Downey played the title character.
And that Jude Law rescued Watson from decades of being relegated to fat, bumbling and incompetent sidekick.
the ugly hunchback that washes dishes and rings the dinner bell said,
November 21, 2010 at 16:51
Marty Feldman beeeaaaaaaaatches!!!!
R. Porrofatto said,
November 21, 2010 at 16:52
Also, Deflowered Ben’s argument, if you can call this opinionated assignment for home-schoolmarm argument, is that box office results prove that Merkin Males such as his manly self want their movies unwaxed. Unfortunately, 2 minutes at box office mojo proves he’s relentlessly full of shit, as usual.
Sylvester Stallone rolls out of bed after making virtually nothing for almost a decade, then churns out Rocky Balboa ($155 million), Rambo ($154 million), and The Expendables ($257 million).
Not withstanding that Rambo grossed $113 mil, not $154 mil, Ben’s using this as a comparison of testesteronic superiority over actors like Johnny Depp:
Four of Depp’s last five films not involving pirates have underperformed at the box office (the lone exception was Alice In Wonderland,
Two of those four:
Public Enemies $264 mil.
Sweeney Todd $152 mil (for a musical no less)
And why do you suppose he left out those Pirate movies?
Pirates of the Caribbean:
Curse of the Black Pearl $654 mil.
Dead Man’s Ghost $423 mil.
At Worlds’ End $309 mil.
Hollywood’s gonna take Ben’s advice any day now.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
November 21, 2010 at 16:58
Hollywood’s gonna take Ben’s advice any day now.
Perusal of the top grossing movis of all time yields James Cameron as responsible as the top dog, with assist from Leo DiCaprio. And a lot of Daniel Radcliffe.
HappyCamper said,
November 21, 2010 at 17:00
Not to mention the hairy-chested Elijah Wood.
HappyCamper said,
November 21, 2010 at 17:05
Or the overly testosterone-fueled Tobey Maguire. Ben’s post is a complete fail. Reminds me of the culture fanzine back in high school, in which 15-years old yielded their super serious opinions on movies and music. When it was not just copying articles found in the press, it was, well, just like Ben Shapiro’s brilliant piece. At the same time, it never went over 100 xeroxed copies, which limited the exposure to being ridiculed.
HappyCamper said,
November 21, 2010 at 17:09
And Tintin, there’s a niche market for a porn endeavor depicting Ben Shapiro and John Podhoretz engaging in sexual activities (of a kinky kind, of course).
D Johnston said,
November 21, 2010 at 17:13
Why do these culture critic types always go after comics? Here’s Ben’s problem:
According to the New York Post, the Man of Steel will now be “a conflicted 20-year-old who’s trying to find his way in the world … He wears hoodies, has smoldering eyes and, as a lanky Clark Kent, wears low-cut pants and hipster skinny ties.” Even more disturbingly, according to CNSNews.com, the new Superman will be an emissary of the international way which presumably will be more in line with multicultural norms and practices. “I was raised in this country. I believe in this country,” Supermetroman will say. “Does it have its flaws? Yes. Does it have its moments of greatness? Yes. Bottom line is, it’s my home and I’ll always carry those values around with me. But if I do what I can do just for the U.S., it’s going to destabilize the whole world. It could even lead to war.”
Ben suggests (in so many words) that this is because DC is gaying up Superman. I think it’s more likely a bit of Frank Miller-ification. For those not in the know, Miller loathes Superman. Miller actually writes Superman into his comics and graphic novels just to mock him. There was a bit of this in Dark Knight Returns, but the worst of it was in his recent comic series Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder. In that series, Superman was portrayed as a dull-witted, overly cautious super-bureaucrat more interested in following the rules than getting things done. That series was a big hit, albeit not for the reasons Miller or DC intended – it was so atrociously bad that it looped around and became hilarious, so everyone had to own a copy of their own. Nevertheless, a success is a success, and I could certainly see DC going for an absurdly over-the-top edgy version of Supes in an attempt to get brown lightning to strike twice.
Also: I think that conservative culture critics are the only people who’ve used the term “metrosexual” in at least three years. How, exactly, can you mock a trend that’s already passed? It would be like me blaming preppies for all my problems.
Finally, looking at Shapiro’s list of manly vs. fruity actors, it appears that you’re not a real man unless you’ve shot someone and/or punched out someone’s lights in the last ten years (hence Nicholson – sure, he’s played badasses, but what has he done for us lately?). So tell me, Ben, you paragon of masculine virtues, who have you punched lately?
Arky said,
November 21, 2010 at 17:17
I would pay good money to see Ben tell Jack he is testosterone free. Especially the part where Nicholson’s eyebrows strangle him.
Also 2: Am I the only old fart who thinks of GEORGE ReeveS when he thinks of Superman?
Marco said,
November 21, 2010 at 17:31
Don’t get too mad a Ben. The only Jack/Hoffman films he’s seen have been Batman and Hook, respectively. I am sure he’s unaware they share five Oscars between them.
ckelly said,
November 21, 2010 at 17:35
So tell me, Ben, you paragon of masculine virtues, who have you punched lately?
Clearly, after writing this, Ben punched the clown.
Substance McGravitas said,
November 21, 2010 at 17:40
Thanks Ben.
vacuumslayer said,
November 21, 2010 at 17:46
“there’s a niche market for a porn endeavor depicting Ben Shapiro and John Podhoretz engaging in sexual activities (of a kinky kind, of course).”
No…there isn’t.
vacuumslayer said,
November 21, 2010 at 17:47
“Thanks Ben.”
*chuckles*
DrDick said,
November 21, 2010 at 17:52
Coming as this does after their orgasmic rapture over the stunningly homoerotic 300, I think we have identified the source of the rightwing’s virulent homophobia.
Citizen_X said,
November 21, 2010 at 17:55
androgynous heroes of the 1970s – testosterone-free actors like Dustin Hoffman and Jack Nicholson
Nothing says limp-wristed girly man like slamming a pistol down on the bar and screaming “I AM THE FUCKING SHORE PATROL!”
OTOH, maybe that inspired that guy in the Village People–those are all manly archetypes that Ben would
fap toadmire, right?J— said,
November 21, 2010 at 17:57
It’s always good to see New York Law Firm back at the Sadly, No!
Major Kong said,
November 21, 2010 at 18:18
Well let’s see -
Big tough John Wayne avoided military service in WWII.
Mild-mannered Jimmy Stewart flew B-24s over Germany.
Ben said,
November 21, 2010 at 18:23
It’s so difficult to distinguish between art direction, styling, actors, their publicity, roles they play — it’s all mixed up in my head.
boonimusprime said,
November 21, 2010 at 18:24
Ben Shapiro has obviously not read any early Superman comics. The earliest comics had Superman as a man of the people, even going so far as to torment arms dealers (you know, like President Chimpy’s granddaddy). Besides, Superman didn’t come to this country through legal channels. Why does Ben Shapiro support fictional illegal aliens?
Mr. Wonderful said,
November 21, 2010 at 18:28
D Johnson says, accurately–
I think that conservative culture critics are the only people who’ve used the term “metrosexual” in at least three years.
Well, not counting when my wife used it yesterday. I was remarking on the fact that one of our Rhodesian Ridgebacks jumps into bed with me every morning and “does his nails,” methodically chewing on and licking his claws. “He’s a metrosexual,” she explained.
But never mind that. Cyril Connolly once took a paragraph by Aldous Huxley and italicized every cliche in it. Half the graf was in italics. You could the same with Ben’s prose in a second. Select, click the Italics button, and you’re done.
Scott said,
November 21, 2010 at 18:36
Even into the Silver Age in the ’50s and ’60s, some of Superman’s most common plot points revolved around his bumbling nerd identity, his job as a librul-media reporter, his devotion to a woman who had a weird love-hate relationship with him, his sorrow over the loss of his home planet and his foster parents, and his weaknesses — to Kryptonite, to magic, to whatever bizarre schemes his girlfriend and his pal dreamed up. He had one of the weakest Rogues Galleries around, dominated by physical wimps like Lex Luthor and the Toyman and Mr. Mxyzptlk who nevertheless schooled him more often than not.
Anyone who knows shit about fiction knows that it’s a character’s weaknesses that make him or her cool. Ben doesn’t know shit about fiction — all he knows is what kind of man makes him weak in the knees.
Substance McGravitas said,
November 21, 2010 at 18:44
SHOW that kid who’s super!
vacuumslayer said,
November 21, 2010 at 18:52
“You’re gonna get raped.” Superman seems to be thinking.
Davis said,
November 21, 2010 at 18:55
I wonder, does he ever tire of writing the same thing over and over? Lamenting about some lost ideal of manliness is hardly new for the right. Anyway, we should let women decide who’s manly and whose not. A guy doing it is somewhat creepy. That’s right, I said it. Ben Shapiro is creepy!
noen said,
November 21, 2010 at 19:00
Why doesn’t Hollywood make icons of masculinity like Rock Hudson any more?
jim said,
November 21, 2010 at 19:01
Feh. I take it the subtext to Ben’s requiem for machismo is that TLM {teh librul media} is brainwashing helpless innocent males into queerism with increasingly wimpy stars? Funny, I’ve got a pile of body-counts here that say otherwise.
that Flynn, well, if he could hold it down, he fucked it, irrespective of the gender of the naughty bits involved
… or quite possibly the species either. Dude was a walking talking neurochemistry experiment gone horribly awry.
Doctorb said,
November 21, 2010 at 19:15
I know Ben’s a silly person and all, but he raises a good point. When I was a little kid, there were real icons of masculinity, men with manly jobs: policemen, construction workers, soldiers, cowboys, Indian chiefs, you know, Manly Men, with manly mustaches. Maybe tough guy outlaws in leather chaps riding around on motorcycles . Men who exhorted us to live a life of freedom, to be macho men. What do we have now? Sensitive guys who are in touch with their feelings? That’s great and all, if you’re a THERAPIST, but that’s not the kind of man our society needs. We need men who will stand on a warship in a crotch-enhancing outfit and tell Americans “We want you. We want YOU. We want you as a new recruit. Mission Accomplished”.
jim said,
November 21, 2010 at 19:17
Also, Ben Shapiro lacks either the utility or the jocularity of a queef.
His strenuous efforts to convince anyone otherwise are hurting English.
Chris Vosburg said,
November 21, 2010 at 19:19
Yes, what could possibly be more butch than a man in a peacock-blue bodystocking with a big red S on the front.
“I’m superrrrrrr, thanks for asking…”
animus said,
November 21, 2010 at 19:24
Does he ever notice the irony of questioning Jack Nicholson’s manliness while doing so?
tigris said,
November 21, 2010 at 19:27
Metrosexuals have always been popular, see Peter O’Toole, David Niven, Rex Harrison, Rudolph Fucking Valentino… And image-google Errol Flynn if you think he wasn’t one. And Ben, just because you prefer your crushes to be more poorly groomed means nothing about the masculinity of men who bathe.
noen said,
November 21, 2010 at 19:34
Superman is an anchor baby.
Jason In the Peg said,
November 21, 2010 at 19:38
Randle Patrick McMurphy was a queen.
vacuumslayer said,
November 21, 2010 at 19:42
Best wingnut comment EVAR?
“I think the loss of maleness began with ‘Roe v. Wade’. I mean, consider the purpose of a real man: it’s to fight like hell to save a life and enforce a strong moral code. But after 1973 that was at odds with a woman’s ‘right’ to take a life and not feel any guilt about it. So something had to give. Voila! Real men became women – excuse me, metrosexuals.
I know this may not be the real explanation but it’s the only one I can come up with.”
N__B said,
November 21, 2010 at 19:45
“I think the loss of maleness began with ‘Roe v. Wade’.
I thought the Chinese were aborting girl fetii.
HappyCamper said,
November 21, 2010 at 19:47
Metrosexuals have always been popular, see Peter O’Toole, David Niven, Rex Harrison, Rudolph Fucking Valentino…
And women were crazy about these guys. Let’s make a bold, thought-provoking assumption: Ben Shapiro has a problem with women.
N__B said,
November 21, 2010 at 19:48
Ben Shapiro has a problem with women.
That’s only fair, since all evidence suggests that women have a problem with Ben.
vacuumslayer said,
November 21, 2010 at 19:50
You know what else began with Roe v Wade?
Global warming
The cholera outbreak in Haiti
Reality television
And somehow the rise of Hitler
noen said,
November 21, 2010 at 19:51
“I think the loss of maleness began with ‘Roe v. Wade’.”
Translation: “I can’t get it up unless you are forced to have my baby.”
vacuumslayer said,
November 21, 2010 at 19:51
+2 to N_B
vacuumslayer said,
November 21, 2010 at 19:52
noen, you may not be surprised to learn that a woman (supposedly) wrote that comment.
N__B said,
November 21, 2010 at 19:53
+2 to N_B
That and fifteen dollars will get me a coffee at Starbucks.
guitarist manqué said,
November 21, 2010 at 19:55
I mean, consider the purpose of a real man:
I thought that was to crush your enemies, drive them before you and hear the lamentations of their women.
noen said,
November 21, 2010 at 19:56
“noen, you may not be surprised to learn that a woman (supposedly) wrote that comment.”
That’s hard to imagine. Living as I do in hippy central Minneapolis I don’t think I know any women who are anti-abortion. I guess maybe the Ethiopians or the Somalians.
Lumberjack said,
November 21, 2010 at 19:58
I’m ok.
noen said,
November 21, 2010 at 19:58
The only purpose of a real man is to fix things around the house.
N__B said,
November 21, 2010 at 19:59
I thought that was to crush your enemies, drive them before you and hear the lamentations of their women.
The women lament real loud when manly men sex up their husbands and goats.
vacuumslayer said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:03
“The women lament real loud when manly men sex up their husbands and goats.”
Some lament, some watch.
noen said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:05
David Brooks Compares Raising Social Security Retirement Age to Having Wisdom Tooth Removed
David Brooks, now *there’s* a real manly man.
tigris said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:08
“I think the loss of maleness began with ‘Roe v. Wade’. I mean, consider the purpose of a real man: it’s to fight like hell to save a life and enforce a strong moral code. But after 1973 that was at odds with a woman’s ‘right’ to take a life and not feel any guilt about it. So something had to give. Voila! Real men became women – excuse me, metrosexuals.
So putting all of this new found knowledge together, if women are the killers and manliness is fighting like hell to save lives, why wouldn’t giving Medals of Honor for saving lives be manlinizing it rather than feminizing?
Smut Clyde said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:10
The only purpose of a real man is to fix things around the house.
That is so not true. I also take spiders away.
N__B said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:10
if women are the killers and manliness is fighting like hell to save lives, why wouldn’t giving Medals of Honor for saving lives be manlinizing it rather than feminizing?
Only if killing women is involved.
vacuumslayer said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:12
“if women are the killers and manliness is fighting like hell to save lives, why wouldn’t giving Medals of Honor for saving lives be manlinizing it rather than feminizing?”
IM SO CONFUSED!!
N__B said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:12
On the topic of evil women: the full, restored “Metropolis” goes on sale Tuesday. I’m salivating already.
vacuumslayer said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:13
” I also take spiders away.”
Spiders I can handle. How are you with cockroaches?
noen said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:14
“So something had to give. Voila! Real men became women – excuse me, metrosexuals.”
Apparently all real men secretly want to be women and the only thing preventing them their duty to fight and enforce a strong moral code. But once that responsibility is gone — poof, he can’t wait to sit and gab about Lady Gaga.
vacuumslayer said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:15
“poof”
Heh
N__B said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:16
I crush cockroaches, drive them before me, and listen to the lamentations of their women.
What?
N__B said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:17
all real men secretly want to be women
Only for the softer underwear.
vacuumslayer said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:17
Ok, I laughed out loud.
I actually loath cockroaches and the relish the thought of their kind suffering.
Pupienus Maximus said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:21
How can anyone write or say man’s man unironically? I mean, there are many other words for what a “man’s man” is.
noen said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:23
“I mean, there are many other words for what a “man’s man” is.”
A husband?
Thrutch Grenadine said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:24
Rock Hudson, Tab Hunter were manly men, and probably enjoyed looking at other manly men in old Steve Reeves movies rather like Frank-N-Furter did. Whereas in the 80′s all they’d have seen were things like “Scarface”, “Raging Bull”, “Terminator”, a couple of Dirty Harry films as well as those horrible girly men roles Jack Torrance (The Shining) and Darryl van Horne (Witches of Eastwick).
tigris said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:24
Apparently all real men secretly want to be women
I don’t get their thought that grooming and looking attractive to the ladeez makes one a woman. Especially as they don’t typically consider lesbians the height of femininity.
tigris said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:25
“I mean, there are many other words for what a “man’s man” is.”
A husband
Valet, silly.
N__B said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:25
Man’s man.
Sheepdog.
Major General.
Reese’s Peanut-Butter Cup.
Turducken.
noen said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:28
“Valet, silly.”
Yes, John Gielgud truly some man’s man.
noen said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:29
Gaaa!, I shouldn’t type so fast, I’m dropping words.
Sir Craig said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:33
Fork me running… What is it with these conservative closet cases trying to make “manliness” points when it is abundantly clear they have no foundation of their own for doing so in the first place? First it’s ol’ Bryan “Hollywood War-Porn Gives Me the Chubbies” Fischer lamenting the “fact” that “real men doing real damage and killing real people for Christ” aren’t getting Medals of Honor, and now Shapiro with his “How DARE Hollywood not give me more sweaty bear chests?” melodrama.
Seriously, I think there are more queens in the right wing than we realized. What universe did I wake up in?!?
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:36
Spiders I release back into the wild.
But cockroaches deserve death.
Does this make me an arthropod hypocrite?
~
N__B said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:40
cockroaches deserve death.
While I agree, my 16-year-old-Venus-on-the-Half-Shell-reading-self says “Uh oh.”
Tommykey said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:41
Christopher Reeve’s Superman is Private Benjamin’s masculine ideal? The same Superman who did not kill the crooks and the villains, but *gasp!* turned them over to the police to be prosecuted under the law?
Has Private Benjamin seen Superman IV, wherein our manly superhero attempts to rid the world of nuclear weapons?
vacuumslayer said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:41
“But cockroaches deserve death”
I’m pretty sure this makes you a manly man.
owlbear1 said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:43
Yet another home-schooler with emasculation issues.
Surprise, surprise, surprise.
Irish Spring said,
November 21, 2010 at 20:45
Perfumed soap makes you a manly man.
g said,
November 21, 2010 at 21:01
More people will still shell out bucks to see Harrison Ford (as long as he stops the metrosexual post-Calista Flockhart crap) and Sean Connery than they will to see Robert Pattinson sans fangs.
I can’t be arsed enough to actually do any more than the most superficial research, but is he for real here?
What was the last film Connery did? Did it outgross Twilight?
“League of Extraordinary Gentlement” 2003 – Gross:
$66,465,204 (USA) (16 November 2003)
“Twilight” – 2008 Gross:
$191,465,414 (USA) (2 April 2009)
g said,
November 21, 2010 at 21:03
Also, too:
“Extraordinary Measures” (Ford’s last film with a sales record) 2010 – Gross:
$11,854,694 (USA) (7 February 2010)
Spengler Dampniche said,
November 21, 2010 at 21:05
This whole fetish for masculinity is something that only under- or un-sexed people could concoct*. Masculinity is the quality of maleness. You can be a super-male queer or a mincing straight (like me). It doesn’t matter. Hemingway is supposed to have been two strikes, one ball, if you follow my meaning, and he was butch as bourbon. My
beardwife thinks I’m as manly as a feller can be, yet I wear spectator shoes in the summer.Why? Because I am a man, and I’m comfortable being a man, and I don’t regard masculinity as some cosmic, some armpit-smelling Rubik’s Cube that has to be solved with each side having only one color or I’m a gay homosexual queer. The main thing is to get laid, or failing that, not to give a shit. This poor suffering refoulé seems to think masculinity is a function of orientation, maybe because he once† was mistaken for a twink and it really offended him. But notional masculinity is nonsense anyway. Who cares? Go restore a Bronco if it matters that much to you.
Oh wait, then you’re a dyke.
*VcockR
†once every few minutes
Kitten Parade said,
November 21, 2010 at 21:24
…when the men were men and the sheep (or goats) were afraid.
RobNYNY1957 said,
November 21, 2010 at 21:53
If I recall correctly, the original comic book Superman had no visible body hair at all, and even lacked nipples. I’m not sure whether that made him more or less manly.
vacuumslayer said,
November 21, 2010 at 21:57
All I know is…I enjoy being a girl.
RobNYNY1957 said,
November 21, 2010 at 21:58
You can even get to be a Harvard professor by rattling off things that are manly:
http://old.nationalreview.com/interrogatory/mansfield200604170813.asp
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harvey_Mansfield
He also does manly things like translating Tocqueville and teaching William Kristol.
Pupienus Maximus said,
November 21, 2010 at 22:00
All I know is…I enjoy being a girl.
Well so do I but only on occasion.
M. Bouffant said,
November 21, 2010 at 22:01
Oh wait, then you’re a dyke.
Today, we are all Lesbians.
The more or less original Superman®’s hair & beard wouldn’t grow under a yellow sun, Samson style.
Pupienus Maximus said,
November 21, 2010 at 22:02
I blame it on miswiring my orgone accumulator when I integrated it into the interoctior.
vacuumslayer said,
November 21, 2010 at 22:10
Alas, Nigella Lawson still has that restraining order against me.
M. Bouffant said,
November 21, 2010 at 22:14
even lacked nipples
On the other hand, that is very manly.
smiling dog said,
November 21, 2010 at 22:20
The efforts of these closeted men to shake off their gay tendencies by initiating wars, stomping on poor people and dictating what is morally correct is really ruining the country.
Spaghetti Lee said,
November 21, 2010 at 22:24
Jack Nicholson? Unmanly? This from Ben Shapiro, who I doubt could sit through The Departed without fainting. Holy Shmoses.
Substance McGravitas said,
November 21, 2010 at 22:27
Requires music.
vacuumslayer said,
November 21, 2010 at 22:33
I was singing it in my head.
paleotectonics said,
November 21, 2010 at 22:41
Don’t know. My sweetie seems to think I’m kinda cool, so I guess I am manly enough.
On the other hand, Stallone has sucked farts ever since Death Race 2000.
And little Benji fapped to 21 Jump Street. No exceptions.
And Noen, I got to drive around in the ice storm last night for sweetie. If she wants cockroaches killed, they’ll wait a day until my BP returns to somewheres below infinity/are-you-kidding.
Jrod said,
November 21, 2010 at 22:42
I just love how manly Harrison Ford is in Hollywood Homicide. The constant yabbering about real estate really turns my crank. And who could ever forget how HOTT it was when he stopped in the middle of a sex scene to eat a donut?
Only a real man’s man would do that.
Smut Clyde said,
November 21, 2010 at 22:42
Manly Jack Nicholson.
justme said,
November 21, 2010 at 22:43
Just in case I’m not the only person who hasn’t seen this yet.
justme said,
November 21, 2010 at 22:49
I think this Benji’s way of telling us that he broke his Buzz Lightyear doll and wants a new one for Christmas.
bargal20 said,
November 21, 2010 at 22:50
I’ve got a first edition of Fredric Wertham’s 1954 book Seduction of the Innocent , worth over $1000 (bought it at a St. Vinnie’s thrift store for 50 cents).
According to Wertham, Batman has been turning boys queer since the 1940s, and he’s even got pictures to prove it.
Smut Clyde said,
November 21, 2010 at 22:50
Manly Sean Connery
Manly Manly.
Lurking Canadian said,
November 21, 2010 at 22:55
Three thoughts:
1) Col. Nathan R. Jessop, USMC would be pleased to discuss with Ben which of them is the metro. The colonel suspects Mr. Shapiro can’t handle the truth.
2) There is a current pop culture Superman on the TV show Smallville. Clark Kent is a plaid wearing farmboy, chock full of platitudinous American values inherited from his plaid wearing red-stater father. The jewel tone wearing metrosexual is Lex Luthor.
3) Metrosexual appears to be a word used primarily to express butthurt that clean smelling guys with laundered clothes get laid more often.
paleotectonics said,
November 21, 2010 at 23:06
@Smut Clyde : Darby O’Gill? I haz a curious.
Smut Clyde said,
November 21, 2010 at 23:11
Not to mention the little people.
Another Kiwi said,
November 21, 2010 at 23:14
Also the feminisation of Toy story 3 is an OUTRAGE!!!!111
Whale Chowder said,
November 21, 2010 at 23:19
I think we’ve found the target demographic for the COD: Black Ops special edition Jeep.
A pretend manly man.
Butch Pansy said,
November 21, 2010 at 23:23
Effeminate men scare sexually insecure men; they threaten the assumed dominance and superiority of the male gender and create the need to define oneself with gender-neutral terms: honesty, bravery, loyalty, morality, having an ethical compass, a sense of responsibility and compassion; all of which are hallmarks of an adult, a state not yet achieved by the developmentally-arrested masses of physically mature males who try to pass themselves off as grown-ups.
If you don’t think your penis is big enough, it’s not. You may as well kill yourself now and avoid the humiliations of the locker room and the bed room.
Zarquon said,
November 21, 2010 at 23:25
World Without Men
D Johnston said,
November 21, 2010 at 23:34
Metrosexual appears to be a word used primarily to express butthurt that clean smelling guys with laundered clothes get laid more often.
This. Among “culture critics,” the term seems to refer to men who shower and shave on a regular basis, or eat vegetables willingly. This is because culture critics have the same perspective on masculinity as your typical ten year-old boy.
Religious Right types tend to claim that maturity is a large part of masculinity. Ironic, that.
Pupienus Maximus said,
November 21, 2010 at 23:37
Just in case I’m not the only person who hasn’t seen this yet.
Hah! I voted for that!
D Johnston said,
November 21, 2010 at 23:37
I think we’ve found the target demographic for the COD: Black Ops special edition Jeep.
Good Lord, you’re not kidding. Why couldn’t you have been kidding?
Chris said,
November 21, 2010 at 23:38
Effeminate men scare sexually insecure men; they threaten the assumed dominance and superiority of the male gender and create the need to define oneself with gender-neutral terms: honesty, bravery, loyalty, morality, having an ethical compass, a sense of responsibility and compassion; all of which are hallmarks of an adult, a state not yet achieved by the developmentally-arrested masses of physically mature males who try to pass themselves off as grown-ups.
That. And effeminate men provide sexually insecure men with an opportunity to criticize or ridicule someone else’s sexuality (or try at any rate) to draw attention away from their own perceived insecurities.
Pupienus Maximus said,
November 21, 2010 at 23:39
Superman? Pfah. Just another Gay Nigger From Outer Space.
Kobie said,
November 21, 2010 at 23:40
I also find it humorous that one of those “testosterone-free” actors has basically fucked half of Hollywood.
bargal20 said,
November 21, 2010 at 23:49
That girly-man Brad Pitt keeps shoving his gayness down Angelina Jolie’s throat, thus preventing her from finding a true manly man with a hairy chest.
Snorghagen said,
November 21, 2010 at 23:59
Manly political leadership.
And – as a counterbalance – Manly commies.
PopeRatzo said,
November 22, 2010 at 0:29
Shapiro things Jack Fucking Nicholson is “testosterone-free”?
Are you kidding me? Did he even see The Last Detail or A Few Good Men? Maybe Shapiro thought it was a remake of “On the Town” or something.
Plus, there are probably several dozen children ranging from 3 to 35 running around the West Coast who bear a striking resemblance to Nicholson and could attest to the efficacy of his glandular system.
Man, Ben Shapiro is a card. You think he realizes how funny he his? And I mean “funny” in every sense of the word.
Lurking Canadian said,
November 22, 2010 at 0:37
Everybody needs to click on Snorghagen’s commie link. It’s the Potemkin Village People.
acrannymint said,
November 22, 2010 at 0:45
Gayniggers from Outer Space is available on youtube
Smut Clyde said,
November 22, 2010 at 0:46
It’s the Potemkin Village People.
I was expecting them to be careering down a giant stairway, in a baby carriage. Shenanigans!
Whale Chowder said,
November 22, 2010 at 0:47
Good Lord, you’re not kidding.
To borrow a phrase, Sadly, No! I seen it while I was sitting around all manly watching some manly football. I’d'a been wearing BVDs and a wife beater to complete my manly image but it’s friggin’ cold here.
Thankfully, having actually bred, I’m secure in my manhood and thus can huddle in my fleece and complain about the cold.
bjacques said,
November 22, 2010 at 1:21
Sorry, off-topic, but this is hot. McAddled refuses to fly if it requires being groped by TSA screeners. Usually McMegan flatters herself *intellectually*.
I apologize in advance.
Julia Grey said,
November 22, 2010 at 1:22
I mean, consider the purpose of a real man: it’s to fight like hell to save a life
Wow, no wonder guys are having confidence issues these days, given that life-saving fights are so few and far between in everyday life.
If you haven’t saved somebody from a knifing by slamming a broken bottle against their assailant’s head with your bare hands, you best get crackin, fella, or YOU ARE NOT FULFILLING YOUR PURPOSE AS A MAN.
I suggest the local biker bar as good place to start. Better take a potential knifing victim with you, though. So few of those just show up whenever you need them.
and enforce a strong moral code.
That is a purely masculine function?
Good to know!
Now where did I put that knife…..?
S. cerevisiae said,
November 22, 2010 at 1:31
To echo many commenters above – Jack Fucking Nicholson???
This dooshbag thinks he’s more macho than Jack Fucking Nicholson????
God almighty that boy has some issues.
S. cerevisiae said,
November 22, 2010 at 1:43
And yeah, he didn’t actually compare himself to anyone, but if you write a column criticizing movie machismo you had better have a leg to stand on (so to speak).
Arky said,
November 22, 2010 at 1:48
Also2: Actors spend hours getting their hair and makeup done before they go to work. If that ain’t “Metrosexual” I don’t know what is.
Maybe Ben just wants an excuse to wear a little eyeliner. Which is fine by me. Provided he plucks those fucking eyebrows while he’s at it.
Klyde said,
November 22, 2010 at 1:57
“there’s a niche market for a porn endeavor depicting Ben Shapiro and John Podhoretz engaging in sexual activities (of a kinky kind, of course).”
No…there isn’t.
Yes there is; it’s called The Daily Telegraph
N__B said,
November 22, 2010 at 2:03
Maybe Ben just wants an excuse to wear a little eyeliner. Which is fine by me. Provided he plucks those fucking eyebrows while he’s at it.
He can’t do that. People will stop mistaking him for Brooke Shields.
stryx said,
November 22, 2010 at 2:10
You know what makes a manly man manly?
Rum, buggery and the lash.
Grace Nearing said,
November 22, 2010 at 2:11
Marty Feldman beeeaaaaaaaatches!!!!
Ugly Hunchback etc: I always thought Marty Feldman was sexy. Way back in the 1960s, he did a sketch in which he played a super-smitten soccer player who chased Queen Elizabeth II down the field, trapped her in the goal netting, and jumped her.
It was absolutely Lawrentian in its intensity!
vacuumslayer said,
November 22, 2010 at 2:15
Shit, I forgot to give props to the Marty Feldman comment. That was good stuff. *pats hump* good job, Hunchy.
Eyegore said,
November 22, 2010 at 2:16
What hump?
vacuumslayer said,
November 22, 2010 at 2:20
I’m never gonna not appreciate a Mel Brooks movie quote.
Sheesh said,
November 22, 2010 at 2:20
Hey HappyCamper,
whereas honest gay me has looks that would land him the role of the (possibly nazi) officer?
There are certain Republican reenacters (reenactors?) that are interested in meeting you. Might I pass along your number?
Wes F. in Hapeville said,
November 22, 2010 at 2:31
I’ve been giving it some thought, and all these cracks about Ben and porn have gotten me thinking.
Is it possible that right-wing discourse has the same basic categorizations as pr0n? Think about it; you got your barely legal (Ben Shapiro), interracial (Clarence and Ginny Thomas), lesbian (Liz Cheney, Tammy Bruce), gay (Dan Blatt), humiliation/gonzo (James O’Keefe), etc…
I gotta get out more.
WF
Sean Connery said,
November 22, 2010 at 2:35
You’re the man now, dawg.
Physical Educator NIck Saban said,
November 22, 2010 at 2:44
He also does manly things like translating Tocqueville and teaching William Kristol.
Is there anything as manly as a neoconservative? I would submit that there is, in fact, not.
N__B said,
November 22, 2010 at 2:45
teaching William Kristol
That is unpossible. He learns nothing.
Doctorb said,
November 22, 2010 at 2:45
Teaching William Kristol? As long as his goal was to teach Kristol to be condescending whil being wrong, he did a great job.
vacuumslayer said,
November 22, 2010 at 2:54
I misunderstood. I thought there was a class in Bill Kristol. I would not take that. Not even for extra credit.
Smut Clyde said,
November 22, 2010 at 2:56
a purely masculine function
I prefer programming in strongly-typed languages, but this is getting ridiculous.M. Bouffant said,
November 22, 2010 at 2:56
lesbian (Liz Cheney, Tammy Bruce)
Just so we don”t get any visits from Liz’s shotgun, Mary’s the Cheney daughter who’s lesbian. Liz has five children. Maybe she’s trying to prove something.
vacuumslayer said,
November 22, 2010 at 3:00
A little buckshot to the face makes you manly.
stackozone said,
November 22, 2010 at 3:01
Perhaps this clown?
Lurking Canadian said,
November 22, 2010 at 3:08
Smut, I’m reading on my iPhone,so I can’t easily quote, but from one nerd to another:Well played. Martini?
Sheesh said,
November 22, 2010 at 3:14
Hey Smut,
Real Programmers don’t write in strongly typed pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak memories.
Snorghagen said,
November 22, 2010 at 3:23
The young Donald Rumsfeld, preparing to reach out and firmly grasp another man in a very manly and entirely heterosexual way.
D Johnston said,
November 22, 2010 at 3:42
To borrow a phrase, Sadly, No!
Scary but true. It’s really hard to talk about video games “growing up” when the industry is infantilizing its consumers, and that Jeep just screams “hyperactive 5th grader’s idea of manliness.” At this rate, Modern Warfare 4 is going to ship with adult-size diapers.
Anonymous said,
November 22, 2010 at 3:46
On the topic of evil women: the full, restored “Metropolis” goes on sale Tuesday. I’m salivating already.
Ooo, do you know if the Alloy Orchestra’s alternate soundtrack will be on it?
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
November 22, 2010 at 3:55
Other Rumsfeld grasping.
~
Wes F. in Hapeville said,
November 22, 2010 at 3:59
Mary Cheney. My bad.
I try not to think about any of the Cheney clan more than absolutely necessary.
WF
N__B said,
November 22, 2010 at 4:12
Ooo, do you know if the Alloy Orchestra’s alternate soundtrack will be on it?
I believe it’s just the original score performed by a full orchestra, but I’ll find out when I buy it.
Irish Spring said,
November 22, 2010 at 4:41
“McAddled refuses to fly if it requires being groped by TSA screeners.”
The TSA would need a step ladder.
noen said,
November 22, 2010 at 4:42
nym fail!!
Bitter Scribe said,
November 22, 2010 at 5:23
In the 1930s, anti-Semites like Father Coughlin used euphemisms like “Oriental” and “cosmopolitan” as a supposedly sophisticated substitute for “kike.”
Now, punks like this Shapiro kid say “metrosexual” instead of “faggot.”
Same shit, different bigot.
Chris said,
November 22, 2010 at 5:58
Same shit, different bigot.
Ahhh, for a world when people are actually tolerant, instead of simply chucking out old prejudices only to bring in new ones…
Sheesh said,
November 22, 2010 at 6:24
Are these new ones?
/cry
Bilo said,
November 22, 2010 at 6:31
Arky:
I don’t think of George Reeves when somebody says Superman, but as a wee lad, yeah, my afternoon B&W tee vee reruns were pre-Christopher Reeves Reeves.
Lesley said,
November 22, 2010 at 6:40
I think what Ben’s trying to say in his roundabout way is he’s a bottom.
gocart mozart said,
November 22, 2010 at 6:47
Jimmy Olsen?
http://superdickery.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&layout=blog&id=32&Itemid=50&limitstart=1
Not so veiled Batman penis reference.
http://superdickery.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&layout=blog&id=32&Itemid=50&limitstart=1
Somewhat veiled batman penis reference.
http://superdickery.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=1348:qyou-get-that-taste-by-putting-the-banana-in-the-batman-batterq&catid=32:seduction-index&Itemid=36
It’s not what you think! They’re still not gay!
http://superdickery.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&layout=blog&id=32&Itemid=50&limitstart=4
Not that there isn’t something wrong with that.
http://superdickery.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&layout=blog&id=32&Itemid=50&limitstart=6
gocart mozart said,
November 22, 2010 at 6:54
Don’t get me started on Archie!
http://superdickery.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&layout=blog&id=32&Itemid=50&limitstart=8
HappyCamper said,
November 22, 2010 at 7:34
There are certain Republican reenacters (reenactors?) that are interested in meeting you. Might I pass along your number?
Not sure, though putting on a costume for a high fee … I’ve tended to steer away from the “I’d love to suck your cock. Or have buttsekx. By the way, I’m not gay.” crowd.
Sheesh said,
November 22, 2010 at 8:13
Oh yes, I didn’t mean to imply anything untoward! But that does seem to be a rather large contingent among Ben Shapiro’s crowd… No?
M. Bouffant said,
November 22, 2010 at 8:27
The Batman & The Goat.
HappyCamper said,
November 22, 2010 at 8:37
But that does seem to be a rather large contingent among Ben Shapiro’s crowd…
As has been amply showed with numerous examples above.
Love the Batman/ Goat pic. What could possible be the context of such a panel?
Sheesh said,
November 22, 2010 at 8:41
Peter Parker was sexually assaulted as a child?! http://superdickery.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&layout=blog&id=32&Itemid=50&limitstart=42
justme said,
November 22, 2010 at 8:48
gm,
There’s always this classic.
justme said,
November 22, 2010 at 8:55
Or, ummm…
justme said,
November 22, 2010 at 9:33
http://img.moonbuggy.org/arse-fingering-statue/
montag said,
November 22, 2010 at 9:53
I think of this as Shapiro’s veiled plea for someone to, ahem, fulfill his unmet needs.
Maybe I should dig up the corpse of Roy Cohn and put it in his bed.
Makhno said,
November 22, 2010 at 13:43
> And that Jude Law rescued Watson from decades of being relegated to fat, bumbling and incompetent sidekick.
Nigel Bruce last played Watson in 1946, but I’m sure Andre Morell, David Burke, Edward Hardwicke, and all the other much more svelte and intelligent Watsons of the intervening decades will be delighted to hear that they’ve made no impression whatsoever.
Oh, and I know it’s been said, but… Jack feckin Nicholson? Seriously?
N__B said,
November 22, 2010 at 13:54
more svelte and intelligent Watsons
That’s hot.
vacuumslayer said,
November 22, 2010 at 14:08
That superdickery site is horrifyingly hilarious. Or hilariously horrifying. I can’t decide.
Jay Schiavone said,
November 22, 2010 at 14:31
Not surprising that your photo-composite makes Ben look like more like the Harry Potter guy than “Robert Pattinson sans fangs.” Perhaps we shouldn’t be too hard on Ben. After all, Roy Cohn was adamant that he was heterosexual. Sure, he had tons and tons of sex with hot guys (many of whom he infected with HIV), but he was truly a man among men. Like J. Edgar Hoover. If you’re conservative it is impossible to be “gay,” no matter how much gay sex you have.
Tom Allen said,
November 22, 2010 at 16:00
Like Arky said way up-comment: George Reeves is Superman, not Christopher Reeve, at least for those of us who grew up with a 6-inch TV.
actor212 said,
November 22, 2010 at 16:06
Funny, Superman sure looks waxed here…
actor212 said,
November 22, 2010 at 16:09
Our movie stars are now metrosexual rather than men’s men.
Hm. So, um, Russell Crowe? I wonder how closely he shaves…Will Smith? I’m sure he worries about his man purse. Same thing with Denzel Washington. And I know Samuel L Jackson, the baddest ass muthafucka of all badass mutha fuckahs, gets manicures.
Project much there, Benny?
Substance McGravitas said,
November 22, 2010 at 16:10
It seems I am obligated to post this.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
November 22, 2010 at 16:14
“According to the New York Post, the Man of Steel will now be ‘a conflicted 20-year-old who’s trying to find his way in the world … He wears hoodies, has smoldering eyes and, as a lanky Clark Kent, wears low-cut pants and hipster skinny ties.’”
I dunno, he sounds pretty hot to me. Then again, I’m a little queer.
Has anyone mentioned Zardoz yet? Because Zardoz. His hair is in a *braid*, for fuck’s sake.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
November 22, 2010 at 16:15
Also, Superdickery has provided me hours of entertainment. HOURS.
Arakasi said,
November 22, 2010 at 16:17
I’m not getting out of the boat for those mangos, but did the Virgin Ben comment on Viggo Mortensen’s naked grappling in a bathhouse in Eastern Promises ?
actor212 said,
November 22, 2010 at 16:29
He wears hoodies, has smoldering eyes and, as a lanky Clark Kent, wears low-cut pants and hipster skinny ties.
He’ll also sport those ironic square glasses and have a mock Mohawk
N__B said,
November 22, 2010 at 16:30
Viggo Mortensen’s naked grappling in a bathhouse in Eastern Promises ?
Was he naked? It looked like he was hiding behind a boa constrictor.
actor212 said,
November 22, 2010 at 16:31
If you’re conservative it is impossible to be “gay,” no matter how much gay sex you have.
Or drunk, no matter how many wineboxes Althouse opens. Or fat, no matter how many HoHos Fudgie stuffs down his maw.
*left softball out over the plate*
actor212 said,
November 22, 2010 at 16:31
It looked like he was hiding behind a boa constrictor.
*koffkoff* stuntpenis *koffkoff*
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
November 22, 2010 at 16:54
Warning, long and rambling road ahead. For those uninterested in me going off at length (heh) about nothing in particular, here’s a diversion:
PENIS.
With that out of the way – more preamble.
Even though Shapiro’s cite of motherfucking Jack Nicholson as “testoterone-free” is pretty much untoppable as EPIC FAIL, let’s take a look at his other example, 70′s Dustin Hoffman*.
I strongly suspect that Embarassing Wedding Night Ben was referring to Tootsie, which was a stupid fucking movie. Also, it’s from the early 80′s so it shouldn’t count**. Kramer vs. Kramer is 1979, so maybe this is what he’s referring to. Here Hoffman starts the movie as a very testoterone-y A-type personality typical workaholic dude and ends up being all hugs and in-touch with his emotions and touchy-feely and looking like a big sissy comapred to Meryl Streep. Wotta WUSS!
Only the family values first victim of a crazy woman and prejudiced man-hating court is pretty much every conservative dude complaining about lie-beral anti-man bias.
What about the rest of the 70′s Hoffman oeuvre***? I haven’t seen all of it****, but I do have this notion that Dustin Hoffman’s film persona at that time was characterized by meek and milquetoast*** characters that find themselves in seriously fucked-up situations where they are forced to man-up.
Papillon. Sure Hoffman’s Louis Dega is conniving little shit and he certainly seems testoterone-free next to Steve McQueen, but then again, who wouldn’t look testoterone-free next to Steve McQueen? And he still does more manly shit in that movie than Shapiro has in his patriotical explosion filled wet dreams.
And then there’s Marathon Man. I suppose this sentence could be the TL;DR version.
And in closing, I totally did Ben Shapiro’s mom.
Notes:
*I am not defending early Dustin Hoffman just because of his role as Anne Bancroft boinking Benjamin Braddock. Maybe.
**Although let me say that it takes some balls to take a leading role in a movie involving that much cross-dressing.
***oeuvre? milquetoast? Rilly Wangchuck? In an essay about masculinity and dude-ness? The most manly thing you can do with milquetoast and oeuvre is French toast, and (being French) that’s still pretty faggy.
****But probably a lot more than Shapiro has.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
November 22, 2010 at 17:07
…that’s still pretty faggy.
But faggy in the good “slathered in butter and maple syrup” kinda way.
N__B said,
November 22, 2010 at 17:08
Papillon
Nothing is more manly than jamming gold up your ass. Just ask Glenn Beck.
actor212 said,
November 22, 2010 at 17:11
Dustin Hoffman took “thinky” roles as his career matured past Midnight Cowboy (Kramer, for example, or “Who Is Harry Kellerman…” or Carl Bernstein in All the President’s Men). It really wasn’t until the mid-90s that he took roles for the sake of a paycheck (like Outbreak or Sphere).
But really….the man played Capt Hook. I’m sure he terrified Ben enough into wetting his bed!
HappyCamper said,
November 22, 2010 at 17:13
Ben could have Midnight Cowboy in mind when referring to Dustin Hoffman. His character has TB to start with, and doesn’t man up much.
actor212 said,
November 22, 2010 at 17:15
His character has TB to start with, and doesn’t man up much.
He walks in front of a NYC cab, and then argues with the driver.
Can’t get much more manly than that, I don’t care how many wolves you kill from a helicopter.
HappyCamper said,
November 22, 2010 at 17:28
Can’t get much more many than that, I don’t care how manly wolves you kill from a helicopter.
Shifting an “l” makes a bit of a difference.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
November 22, 2010 at 18:06
Okay, one more time WP.
re:Midnight Cowboy
It could be that this is what Ben was referring to. Midnight Cowboy is from ’69 and Ben probably spends a lot of time thinking about cowboys and 69.
Pupienus Maximus said,
November 22, 2010 at 18:09
Ahhh, for a world when people are actually tolerant
If God Had Wanted Me To Be Accepting Of Gays, He Would Have Given Me The Warmth And Compassion To Do So
Substance McGravitas said,
November 22, 2010 at 18:14
Gee, should the Mission Accomplished banner go up at the Bush library?
actor212 said,
November 22, 2010 at 18:16
Gee, should the Mission Accomplished banner go up at the Bush library?
Yes, in the “Fucked America Up Worse Than My Dad?” wing.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
November 22, 2010 at 18:27
You know who else didn’t wax his chest?
Scott said,
November 22, 2010 at 18:28
His character has TB to start with, and doesn’t man up much.
He walks in front of a NYC cab, and then argues with the driver.
Can’t get much more manly than that, I don’t care how many wolves you kill from a helicopter.
And that was unscripted, too. The cab wasn’t supposed to do that, and Hoffman stayed in character…
Snort said,
November 22, 2010 at 18:30
Oh, and quit talking about kicking ass. I could make you cry in the space of 30 seconds
Ooo, make me say “Mommy”!
actor212 said,
November 22, 2010 at 18:30
Scott, jury’s still out on that one:
vacuumslayer said,
November 22, 2010 at 18:34
I think what you all are trying to say here is that comic books are not the least bit homoerotic. That is the message I’m getting.
vacuumslayer said,
November 22, 2010 at 18:37
“Mistress” perhaps.
actor212 said,
November 22, 2010 at 18:39
I think what you all are trying to say here is that comic books are not the least bit homoerotic.
Especially “Reid Fleming, World’s Toughest Milkman“.
N__B said,
November 22, 2010 at 18:42
I think what you all are trying to say here is that comic books are not the least bit homoerotic.
Man/man, no. I dare anyone to tell me that Poison Ivy and Catwoman haven’t experimented.
actor212 said,
November 22, 2010 at 18:43
I dare anyone to tell me that Poison Ivy and Catwoman haven’t experimented.
And you can’t tell me Betty and Veronica are angry with each other because of perpetual PMS.
Major Kong said,
November 22, 2010 at 18:45
I dare anyone to tell me that Poison Ivy and Catwoman haven’t experimented.
I’ll be in my bunk. Back in about 10 minutes.
N__B said,
November 22, 2010 at 18:46
Back in about 10 minutes.
Braggart.
actor212 said,
November 22, 2010 at 18:46
Back in about 10 minutes.
Braggart.
It takes that long for the blue pill to work.
Or, uhhhhhh, so I’m told.
actor212 said,
November 22, 2010 at 18:48
Back in about 10 minutes.
Altho that could include the cuddling afterwards, too. Also.
Major Kong said,
November 22, 2010 at 18:52
It just takes me that long to find it…
vacuumslayer said,
November 22, 2010 at 18:54
Can you cuddle with your hand?
actor212 said,
November 22, 2010 at 18:55
Can you cuddle with your hand?
It’s as easy as cuddling with a woman afterwards.
N__B said,
November 22, 2010 at 18:56
Can you cuddle with your hand?
Right, yes. My left is a cold, heartless bastard.
actor212 said,
November 22, 2010 at 18:57
My left is a cold, heartless bastard.
I wouldn’t go that far.
Um, I mean, so I’ve heard.
vacuumslayer said,
November 22, 2010 at 18:58
”
It’s as easy as cuddling with a woman afterwards.”
But it can’t be nearly as much fun.
vacuumslayer said,
November 22, 2010 at 18:59
“Right, yes. My left is a cold, heartless bastard.”
The love ‘Em and leave ‘Em type, huh?
Snort said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:00
Nothing like cuddling with “Spanky”.
N__B said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:00
The love ‘Em and leave ‘Em type, huh?
He can’t stray far… geometry’s a bitch.
actor212 said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:01
But it can’t be nearly as much fun.
He never yells at me because I hog the blanket.
Snort said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:02
Thank you Mistress May I have another one?
vacuumslayer said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:06
“Thank you Mistress May I have another one?”
What? A beating? Tongue-lashing? Cookie? Help me help you.
Snort said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:09
SPANKER!
Oooo-ooo! I’ve never had my tongue lashed! What is it lashed too?
the ugly hunchback that washes dishes and rings the dinner bell said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:10
Oh sure. Story of my life…..
Makes a comment…..gets nuthin….. has to leave to do the Sunday dishes…..THEN it’s all:
Oh. Marty! Oh hunchbacks are HOT HOT HOT HOT sexy time ….
vacuumslayer said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:13
“Snort said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:09
SPANKER!
Oooo-ooo! I’ve never had my tongue lashed! What is it lashed too?”
Omg…can that thing possibly be as good as a hand?
My god, where is this thread going?
N__B said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:13
Oh. Marty! Oh hunchbacks are HOT HOT HOT HOT sexy time ….
Time to raise the rates again.
N__B said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:14
My god, where is this thread going?
To hell in a hand-
basketjob.vacuumslayer said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:15
“Makes a comment…..gets nuthin….. has to leave to do the Sunday dishes…..THEN it’s all:
Oh. Marty! Oh hunchbacks are HOT HOT HOT HOT sexy time …”
That’s what you get for having a life outside S,N!
Snort said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:18
Thread! Tongue lashing! I get it! Kinkaaaay!!!
The Bobs said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:18
Superman is an illegal immigrant.
Lesly said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:19
Someone contact the Austin Powers franchise.
77south said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:21
God dammit. I spent all morning trying to remember the name of one of the original manly men of Hollywood. And now that I have Elmo Lincoln’s name, I can’t think of anything funny to say about him or Ben Shapiro.
jim said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:26
teaching William Kristol
From Slashfic Of The Damned … to a cinematic rom-com smash!
(“Rosanne Barr is the chunky-yet-spunky Tea Party Patriot from Delaware who signs on as tutor for the hapless neocon mountebank Chevy Chase … pouting, bonding, an epic scooter chase scene & wacky misunderstandings ensue!”)
‘Teaching William Kristol’
WATCH THE WHOLE THING/ & I HAVE A HUNCH/ YOU’LL WIND UP PAINTING/ YOUR SHOES WITH YOUR LUNCH … BURMA SHAVE
Whale Chowder said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:29
Probably too late. Story of my life. I’m right there with ya’ hunchie.
ANYway, My left is a cold, heartless bastard.
Mine always falls asleep right after.
the ugly hunchback that washes dishes and rings the dinner bell said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:30
That’s what you get for having a life outside S,N!
This is my alter-ego…..disguised as mild mannered hunched dishwasher for Sadly,No!….
Whale Chowder said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:31
Rosanne Barr is the chunky-yet-spunky Tea Party Patriot
Heeey. I think we’ve found the actess who could play K-Lo. If there were ever a reason to put her into a movie.
Sophist said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:36
I know at this point I’m beating a greasy spot on the ground that used to be a horse, but where exactly do Little Big Man and emm-effing Straw Dogs fall on Benny’s Manly/Not Manly scale?
Also, it’s Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn. Catwoman’s all about the S&M.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:36
Right, yes. My left is a cold, heartless bastard.
This thread sure is getting stranger.
Snort said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:37
Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?
the ugly hunchback that washes dishes and rings the dinner bell said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:38
Brando would have been a good K-Lo.
N__B said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:39
Also, it’s Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn.
Earth 1 elitist.
Catwoman’s all about the S&M.
So’s poisoning men and controlling their minds.
vacuumslayer said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:42
I want to play me in my biopic. The biopic that will never be made because I don’t think people are clamoring to see a movie about one woman’s triumph over Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
Chris said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:44
If God Had Wanted Me To Be Accepting Of Gays, He Would Have Given Me The Warmth And Compassion To Do So
Holy crap, I thought that was you editorializing a Shorter, not the actual title and content…
N__B said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:45
I want to play me in my biopic.
The third-reel highlight will be you singing “I’ve got to be me,” right?
Snort said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:45
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
Left or right?
vacuumslayer said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:47
Right
vacuumslayer said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:49
“N__B said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:45
I want to play me in my biopic.
The third-reel highlight will be you singing “I’ve got to be me,” right?”
It will not be a musical. It will be a VERY SERIOUS Movie of the Week. Or soft core porn.
Marlon Brando said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:52
Right left whatever. I ambidextrous.
Whale Chowder said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:52
Or soft core porn.
I don’t think there’s a big market for movies of you sleeping.
Whale Chowder said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:53
…outside of Actor.
vacuumslayer said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:55
“I don’t think there’s a big market for movies of you sleeping.”
Hey!
No, no, not that. I never said how I got my Carpal Tunnel…
the ugly hunchback that washes dishes and rings the dinner bell said,
November 22, 2010 at 20:06
Yeah well, I got dishpan hands.
Since Marty is no longer with us, i guess Dustin would have to play TUHTWDARTDB
Whale Chowder said,
November 22, 2010 at 20:11
I never said how I got my Carpal Tunnel…
Hm. This could make your biopic much more interesting to a certain segment (heh) of the population.
actor212 said,
November 22, 2010 at 20:13
The biopic that will never be made because I don’t think people are clamoring to see a movie about one woman’s triumph over Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
Now THAT’S comedy!
actor212 said,
November 22, 2010 at 20:13
I don’t think there’s a big market for movies of you sleeping.
…outside of Actor.
with, dammit!
vacuumslayer said,
November 22, 2010 at 20:15
And…and..I’ll have you know that I’ve updated my blog with pictures of me where I’m actually awake. So there. Well…you can’t see me, but I’m sticking out my tongue.
Kirk Douglas said,
November 22, 2010 at 20:17
“Marlon Brando said,
November 22, 2010 at 19:52
Right left whatever. I ambidextrous.”
I am Spartacus.
Whale Chowder said,
November 22, 2010 at 20:18
Dustin would have to play TUHTWDARTDB
“You askin’ me to ring the dinner bell?
You askin’ me?”
Snort said,
November 22, 2010 at 20:22
Can you get carpal tunnel in other parts of your body?
N__B said,
November 22, 2010 at 20:25
Can you get carpal tunnel in other parts of your body?
Chris Christie got it in his P.A.
actor212 said,
November 22, 2010 at 20:26
Can you get carpal tunnel in other parts of your body?
Only if Chris Christie doesn’t pull your funding.
77south said,
November 22, 2010 at 20:27
Can you get carpal tunnel in other parts of your body?
Carpal tunnel is tendinitis of the wrist and hands, so, no. But you could get tendinitis on other tendons, Tennis elbow for instance.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
November 22, 2010 at 20:29
Heh.
Snort said,
November 22, 2010 at 20:32
I know, just a yolk.
Ben Shapiro knees?
actor212 said,
November 22, 2010 at 20:32
DAMN YOU, N__B!
N__B said,
November 22, 2010 at 20:34
Ben Shapiro knees?
Marty Feldman eyes.
the ugly hunchback that washes dishes and rings the dinner bell said,
November 22, 2010 at 20:35
More like ….
Judge Wapner….Wapner comes on at 4
Snort said,
November 22, 2010 at 20:41
… Or soft core porn.
“Carpal Tunnel 2: Fingers of Fury”
the ugly hunchback that washes dishes and rings the dinner bell said,
November 22, 2010 at 20:44
“Carpal Tunnel 2: Fingers of Fury”
win.
actor212 said,
November 22, 2010 at 20:44
Marty Feldman eyes.
She’s got Kirstie Alley big fat thighs
She’s got Marty Feldman eyes
vacuumslayer said,
November 22, 2010 at 20:44
This made me giggle. *approves*
I guess “Fists of Fury” would be the hardcore version…but that ain’t my scene…and…ouch.
justme said,
November 22, 2010 at 21:06
You mean “The gun is good. The penis is bad.” Zardoz?
Nothing could be more manly to li’l Benji than that.
Sirius Lunacy said,
November 22, 2010 at 21:09
Metrosexual appears to be a word used primarily to express butthurt that clean smelling guys with laundered clothes get laid more often.
I always thought it meant that guys who ride the Metro get laid more often
Sirius Lunacy said,
November 22, 2010 at 21:14
Also, Seymour’s my man’s man.
jim said,
November 22, 2010 at 21:37
Yeah well, I got dishpan hands.
Beats athlete’s hump.
Me Fu said,
November 22, 2010 at 21:49
At this rate, Modern Warfare 4 is going to ship with adult-size diapers.
Beats poopsocking.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
November 22, 2010 at 22:53
I just don’t get this weird obsession with what could be considered, at best, quaternatery sexual characteristics. Lacking any real “macho” qualities, they obsess over red meat, cigars, and crap like that.
Hell, I enjoy cooking and sew my own buttons, but that makes me competent, not feminized.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
November 22, 2010 at 22:53
Uh, I meant to write “quaternary”.
actor212 said,
November 22, 2010 at 23:25
quaternatery sexual characteristics
I bet 400 quaternateries!
WhiteSnow said,
November 23, 2010 at 1:38
Came on strong in this article, but I enjoyed it. Well written & opens up a lot of conversation as I can see. After raising my 2 children I was well experienced in ironing clothes, cleaning the house (toilets) & cooking meals daily.
BenSix said,
November 23, 2010 at 3:19
Jack Nicholson and Dustin Hoffman are “testosterone-free“? What the fuck? I mean, what the fuck? Here’s hoping Mr Nicholson conducts a Shining re-enactment outside an unsuspecting Shapiro’s bedroom door.
Doctorb said,
November 23, 2010 at 8:25
400 quaternaries on the newcomer!
actor212 said,
November 23, 2010 at 17:53
Hell, I enjoy cooking and sew my own buttons, but that makes me competent, not feminized.
Yes, but they’re manly buttons.
JM said,
November 23, 2010 at 19:40
I always thought it meant that guys who ride the Metro get laid more often
I remember a soldier sleeping next to me.
Smut Clyde said,
November 24, 2010 at 0:45
guys who ride the Metro get laid more often
Riding the underground is risky, and therefore manly.
The heat from below can burn your eyes out.
danielx said,
November 24, 2010 at 1:13
Hadn’t taken in commentary from the Sadlynauts in a day or three and wanted to catch up…..and regardless of your assurances from your bigcitynewyorkelitistintellectuallawyers, THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES. That image of the Virgin Ben and JPod, well, it’s either plunge icepicks into my own eyes or resort to pharmaceuticals in order to sleep without hideous dream images. That was just….totally…..wrong on so many levels I can’t even count them.
Realist said,
November 24, 2010 at 3:59
The really funny part is Spankin’ Jack has probably gotten more pussy than Shapiro is.
actor212 said,
November 24, 2010 at 16:17
I remember a soldier sleeping next to me.
*polite golf clap*
Nunn better.
Martini?
Vince in WeHo said,
December 6, 2010 at 9:05
This was funny. Thank you for the laugh.