Poop On The Cobb

Renew America really is on a roll, serving up new entrées this week from Don Cobb and Dan Poop. Cobb’s prix-fixe is pretty much standard Gnomes-of-Zurich fare, with only the added spice of a tortured ‘The Truman Show’ analogy. Poop’s table is where the real lumpen mess is served:

LeBron-onomics

By Dan Popp

LeBron James is, from what I can gather, a basketball player.

The moon is, from what I can gather, a satellite in near-Earth orbit.

A very good, and famous, and rich one. But this article is not about basketball. The only reason I even know about Mr. James is that he’s from my area, and he recently left to play for Miami.

Don’t worry, Mr. Poop — your secret is safe with us. We won’t tell anybody that you secretly know who world-famous black athletes are.

It isn’t just basketball fans that are loving or lamenting the Decision. It’s hotel maids and potato-chip-truck drivers and skycaps. It’s sign makers and sandwich makers and decision makers. It’s messengers and manufacturers and municipal governments. It’s hospitals and schools and charities.

It’s bakers and bellhops and billiard cue makers. It’s salesmen and sadists and sousaphone players. It’s hookers and haberdashers and hothouse horticulture nay-sayers.

Now, someone may object that the cause of this mania isn’t the rich men, but the economic activity surrounding them.

Perhaps Poop is correct and the average Cleveland Cavaliers fan is quietly calculating the annual hit to his or her bank account likely to result from LeBron’s exit for more pussy-filled shores. Alternatively, ‘the cause of this mania’ is legions of desperate people yearning for some fleeting, vicarious triumph — say, an NBA title — to fill the vacuum of their dull and increasingly uncertain lives. You say tomato, I say you’re dumb as a box of rocks.

It’s a short step from saying, ‘My life is better if LeBron James lives here,’ to recognizing that ‘Millionaires improve my life.’

Actually, it’s one-and-a-half long steps and a thunderous dunk, but why quibble. Poop’s on a roll!

If you were to ask a Cleveland cab driver whether LeBron James got rich by exploiting people (in other words, whether Karl Marx was right), the cabbie would probably laugh at you. ‘The only thing he exploited was his talent … and his opportunity to get out while the gettin’ was good,’ the driver might quip.

Made-up cab drivers always drop their ‘g’s. And take note Friedman — you don’t actually have to interview a real one to get the quote you want!

If you’re with me on this, please go to the nearest window, stick your head out, and shout:

Rich people, we’re sorry. We’ve committed the sin of envy, the sin of covetousness, and the sin of slander. We have believed the lie and borne false witness against you. Forgive us for the nasty things we said. Please don’t go. We want you here. We are all better off with mega-successful neighbors. We’re going to tear down the ‘Keep Out’ signs. We’re going to stop robbing you of the rewards you’ve earned, confiscating your wealth as if you were convicted criminals. Please come and do what you do: increase the quality of life for all of us.

We tried, we really did, but the nearest window has been boarded up by the millionaire bankers who served us an eviction notice last week. Will they take a check? Or better yet, an IOU on a hate fuck?

CORRECTION: The name of the author of ‘LeBron-onomics’ is in fact Don Papp.

 

Comments: 63

 
 
 

Sheesh. I say, “Find a rich guy and blow him already, why you trying to drag us into your sordid little fantasy. Pervert.”

 
 

Meanwhile, the fake cab driver resents his shitty comeback being described as a ‘quip’.

 
 

He WISHES his writing was good enough to be called pap.

 
 

I’d venture that asking a Cleveland Cabbie that is liable to get your ass dumped out on the street, but what do I know, I’m too busy hating rich people for being so hard working and generous and improving the quality of life for everyone around them simply by allowing them within a radius of their presence.

Interestingly enough, the Rich’s quality of life improvement radius is calculated the same way a magnetic field is, Q = 1 / D^2
That might be slightly off, but it’s something like that.

 
 

Shorter Dan Poop: Cup the bullion and stroke the stock!

 
 

I didn’t think you could discuss a “Cleveland Cabbie” in polite company.

 
 

I suspect that some of the people in the jobs he names might also be basketball fans. Crazy, I know.

 
 

At least Friedman would pretend to have spoken to a real cabbie, instead of some Gedankenhack.

 
 

Millionaire, yes, but, if not a union man, at least a guild member. And earned all that money not by being born rich, or cheating, but being born w/ (eventual) height & coördination, practicing & improving his skills, yada.

As opposed to “earning” money by sitting in a corner office bothering the admin. ass’ts. while the value created by wage-slaves ends up in his bank acc’t., stock portfolio or offshore tax haven.

As some sort of anarcho-syndicalist, I do not begrudge people whose obvious talent, skills, dedication, whatnot in a field that amuses/entertains people get as much money from the rubes as they can. Especially as no one has to go to sporting events, movies, or dingy bars &/or arenas where music occurs.

Any millionaire dilrod whose corporate entity charges you an arm & a leg for the shit you need, from food, shelter & clothing to medical insurance can go fuck himself w/ splintery broomstick, however.

 
 

Oh, thank you, millionaires! I will now renounce my athiesm and follow Millionaire Jesus, King of the Rich. Render unto Jesus what is Cesar’s, and so forth. Every day I shall hit my knees and be glad that the Ungodly Rich are covetous and greedy so that we may not have to be thusly.

 
 

Rich people, we’re sorry. We’ve committed the sin of envy, the sin of covetousness, and the sin of slander. We have believed the lie and borne false witness against you. Forgive us for the nasty things we said. Please don’t go. We want you here. We are all better off with mega-successful neighbors. We’re going to tear down the ‘Keep Out’ signs. We’re going to stop robbing you of the rewards you’ve earned, confiscating your wealth as if you were convicted criminals. Please come and do what you do: increase the quality of life for all of us.

FUCK YEAH PARTY OF INDIVIDUAL FREEDOM!

 
 

Shorter Poop: “See. Trickle down really does work. Look. I have it all over my face.”

 
 

And of course, it’s Wingnut Article of Faith # 349,925 that every rich person in this country has been banished, their homes taken over and raided by ni-uh, I meen the teeming masses. For fucking fuck’s sake, they’re better off as a group than they were pre-recession. Are these guys libidos really so wrapped around how much money the top .5% of Americans make that they have to make shit up just to get a hard-on?

 
 

We’re going to tear down the ‘Keep Out’ signs.

What the hell does this mean? I’d love to see a “RICH PEOPLE STAY THE FUCK OUT!” sign somewhere, but most of the “Keep Out” signs I see are aimed at the shirtless & shoeless.

Not to mention the “Darkies Stay Out” signs that were once popular in some areas w/ Renew America types. (For whom we should probably have “Catholics Fuck Off & Die” signs.)

 
 

Mean, even.

 
 

It’s a short step from saying, ‘My life is better if LeBron James lives here,’ to recognizing that ‘Millionaires improve my life.’

Wow.

It’s a short step from saying, “We need to have a standing army” to recognizing that “That Hitler guy was one cool dude”.

 
 

Long ago another James warned us not to show favoritism to the rich.

Said passage reads:

Bro-thren, do not hold your faith in our glorious NBA free agency with an attitude of personal favoritism. For if a man comes into your league assembly with much bling but no gold ring, and there also comes in a scrappy guard with a shredded ACL, and you pay special attention to the one who is wearing the bling, and say, “You sit here in a good place,” and you say to the scrappy guard, “Get the fuck out,“ have you not made distinctions among yourselves, and become fan-whores with evil motives?

 
St. Trotsky, Pope-in-Avignon
 

Oh, that poor man. Stuck living in Cleveland and with a rich man fetish. Like having a thing for zaftig women at a fashion show.

 
Ted the Slacker
 

We’re going to tear down the ‘Keep Out’ signs.

What the hell does this mean?

I think it means that pasty white suburbanites have decided that rich people, even rich negros, should be welcome in their neighborhood.

 
 

Interestingly enough, the Rich’s quality of life improvement radius is calculated the same way a magnetic field is, Q = 1 / D^2

No, no, if we are talking about the dipole moment defined by the q-of-l tension between Rich and anti-Rich (or ‘poor’ to use the vernacular), then the field strength falls off according to an inverse cube law. But in the immediate neighbourhood there are also quadrupole-moment contributions, depending on the exact distribution of Rich and anti-Rich, which fall off more rapidly.

 
 

We’re going to tear down the ‘Keep Out’ signs.
As I went walking
I saw a sign there
And on the sign it said
“No Trespassing.”
But on the other side
it didn’t say nothing,
That side was made for all the rich people.

 
Ted the Slacker
 

On second thoughts maybe I shouldn’t be so callous here.

Tom Brady moved in across the road from my girlfriend and she soon after agreed to marry me. So maybe it is a short step from saying, ‘My life is better if Brady lives here,’ to recognizing that ‘Millionaires make hot women say “yes”.’

Yep, that’s it.

 
 

Shorter Dan Fapp: Ooo Rich People, your cock is so huge!

Maybe you ought to forward this article to the CPD. That way when they respond to complaints about a man sticking his ass out of his window and spreading his cheeks as a sacrifice to the Gods of Wealth, they’ll understand what’s going on.

 
 

‘Millionaires improve my life.’

But billionaires destroy my life.

 
 

If you were to ask a Cleveland cab driver whether LeBron James got rich by exploiting people (in other words, whether Karl Marx was right), the cabbie would probably laugh at you. ‘The only thing he exploited was his talent … and his opportunity to get out while the gettin’ was good,’ the driver might quip.

I’d bet, if you asked a thousand cab drivers whether LeBron James got rich by exploiting people, 999 of them would probably agree, citing the fact that he ran to where the money is.

1 out of a thousand hardly qualifies as “might”, Poopsie. That one is a failed supply side economist who was thrown out of his non-tenured professorship for exploiting his female students.

What a douchebag we have in Poop

 
 

if we are talking about the dipole moment

I saw that once in a porno. She was quite messy afterwards.

 
 

See, we’re supposed to thank the Koch Industries brothers, Rupert Murdoch and company, etc. for 30 years of successful class warfare by the tycoon class on everybody else.

Hanx, pukes!
~

 
 

Ah, that slavish worship of the rich by those champions of liberty and independence. It’s a real tear-jerking moment to behold….every time.

 
 

So Papp thinks we have been unfairly smearing the rich?

Rich people, we’re sorry. We’ve committed the sin of envy, the sin of covetousness, and the sin of slander. We have believed the lie and borne false witness against you. Forgive us for the nasty things we said. Please don’t go. We want you here. We are all better off with mega-successful neighbors. We’re going to tear down the “Keep Out” signs. We’re going to stop robbing you of the rewards you’ve earned, confiscating your wealth as if you were convicted criminals. Please come and do what you do: increase the quality of life for all of us.

He really thinks people should stick their heads out of windows and yell all of that shit? This asshat isn’t the soul of brevity, is he?

Personally, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore” is more appropriate.

 
 

Actually, it’s one-and-a-half long steps and a thunderous dunk, but why quibble

You are clearly not familiar with my signature move. It’s actually a quick hop to the left, a sweet crossover dribble, two steps to the right, a re-dribble, a spin move/roundhouse kick, then three man-sized steps to the basket then the most electrifying dunk in sports entertainment. I call it “the Crab.” I had them change the rules so it’s now as nice and legal as Lloyd Blankenfein’s billions.

 
 

Seems like a flawed premise. LeBron is a millionaire, yeah, but if he leaves Cleveland for Miami, the Cavs are still there, with a full bench of millionaires, right? And I don’t believe the Cavs suspended any season games since LeBron left, did they?

So the problem isn’t that the millionaire left the community to languish without his enrichment, the problem is that this particular millionaire left the community to rely upon other, less ticket-worthy millionaires for economic opportunity.

So it isn’t about millionaires creating jobs, it’s about Americans slavishly worshiping celebrities.

 
 

And speaking of mindless worship of celebrity, I see former half-term governor Sarah Palin, just fresh from her collaboration with Kate Gosselin on a Reality TV show, has posted on her Facebook page her disapproval of President Obama’s appearance on The View.

Mind you, Sarah got the Right Wing talking points a little jumbled. Unlike the rest of the Right Wing clones, she’s not criticizing him for choosing The View over speaking to the Boy Scout Jamboree – she’s criticizing him for choosing The View instead of doing what she is planning on doing – some vague undefined appearance at the Arizona border.

Apparently, one of Obama’s shortcomings is that he won’t tailor his appearance schedule to her liking.

 
 

So, the NBA disbanded the Cavaliers? The rest of the players work for $8.25 an hour? The Lakers and Mavs will hitchhike in from the airport? The loss of LeBron will diminish the number of groupie threesomes? The league decided to cut the number of home games from 41 to, oh, 23?

What about all the players that make millions while being fat, lazy, overpaid ni– college dropouts? You know, the ones who are taking money out of the mouths of the deserving, hard-working offspring of George Bush and Dick Cheney? Even by his own fantasy standards, this column is Poop.

 
Lurking Canadian
 

I literally have no words. I have tried three times to compose a response to this and each time spluttered into incoherence. Fuck these people.

Cleveland cab drivers do not make a Marxist argument for keeping LeBron James, so yay rich people? You can get paid for that shit, now? Why did I waste all those years in school?

 
 

Rich people, we’re sorry. We’ve committed the sin of envy, the sin of covetousness, and the sin of slander. We have believed the lie and borne false witness against you. Forgive us for the nasty things we said. Please don’t go. We want you here. We are all better off with mega-successful neighbors. We’re going to tear down the “Keep Out” signs. We’re going to stop robbing you of the rewards you’ve earned, confiscating your wealth as if you were convicted criminals. Please come and do what you do: increase the quality of life for all of us.

I bet Papp gets beaten up by someone every single day.

And if he doesn’t, he should.

 
 

Poop’s on a roll!

Sorry, no bread products for me.

 
 

Actually, it’s one-and-a-half long steps and a thunderous dunk, but why quibble.

Also known to Wizards’ fans as a crab dribble (aka, traveling).

 
 

I celebarte LeBorn’s decision to completely dick over the long suffering pepole of Cleveland and have been masturbagting furiously to The Decisino which I recorded. In fact I only wish I had offerd to interview King James instead of Jim Gray and I did offer and he said no but anyway. I want to go on record saying I love the NBA and I love rich peole and that’s the kind of Liberal I am.

Bonsu insight–I think LeBron’s diaspora to South Beach may jus thave a big affect on the NBA next season. You read it here first.

 
 

As an ex-Akronite, I agree with my homeboy LeBron- Akron is a great place to be from- far from. The homes probably slipped the cabbie (while riding out to Hopkins for that Miami flight) an extra hundred to tell that journalist guy Poop or Papp or Popp that great piece o’ wisdom/line of bullshit. Gotta leave ’em laughin, right?

 
 

I’m taking my talents to Dan Poop’s eager mouth.

 
Ted the Slacker
 

Anyone else wondering how a DA post titled “Poop on the Cobb” didn’t find room for a cornhole joke?

Is he too mature for that after Vegas?

 
 

You can get paid for that shit, now? Why did I waste all those years in school?

It’s RenewAmerica, so remember they get paid in downer cattle and homemade armor-piercing ammo.

 
The Great Cornholio
 

hehehe

Give me coffee for my bung hole!!

hehehehehehehehehe

 
teh Universal Schlong
 

Oh Big dicked guys, we’re sorry. We’ve committed the sin of envy, the sin of covetousness, and the sin of staring. We have believed the lie and claimed size doesn’t matter. Forgive us for the nasty things we said about your dicks? Please, please, please, please, please don’t go? OH GOD, OH GOD, PLEASE DON”T GO!? We are all better off with mega-schlong neighbors. We’re going to open our cheeks wide! We’re going to start rubbing you! We’ll make convicted criminals your slaves! Please come and come and come and trickle down your quality of life on all of us?

 
 

Oh Big dicked guys, we’re sorry. We’ve committed the sin of envy, the sin of covetousness, and the sin of staring. We have believed the lie and claimed size doesn’t matter.

Sorry, I’m still taking my talents to South Beach. Buttsecks is a team sport, and I need to be surrounded by teammates that can play at my level if I ever wanna win a National Buttsecks Association cockring. Guys who won’t be afraid to play around the rim. Guys who can take it to the hole. Guys not nicknamed “Boobie”, basically.

And have you seen Florida? The whole state looks like a giant penis. It’s very comforting for a man of my, how shall we say, giant penis havingness.

 
 

It’s RenewAmerica, so remember they get paid in downer cattle and homemade armor-piercing ammo.

there are two things you need to know to work at RenewAmerica: Popp flows downhill and payday’s on never.

 
 

Papp is right that James had a huge impact on Cleveland. He helped pump a lot of money into the Cleveland economy. He helped guys selling souvenir shirts outside the stadium and waitresses at sportsbars put food on the table for their families. He gave Cleveland all sorts of free publicity. He gave the people of Cleveland hope and made them feel good about their city. He is a generational talent who presented a small-market city with perhaps their only hope of winning any sort of championship. He is completely irreplaceable for the city of Cleveland and we shouldn’t minimize that fact just because an idiot like Papp says it.
James was a local boy who done good and became fabulously wealthy.
But the lesson here isn’t that we should all get on our knees and blow the nearest rich guy and say “thank you sir for trickle down philanthropy”. The lesson here is that rich people don’t give a fuck about anyone else. They are going to do what they want to do and the little people can fuck off and die.

 
 

BTW, has there ever been any evidence that trickle down economics work? See, that’s the thing. I’d be willing to listen to claptrap like this even though it’s completely nonsensical if there were any proof that cutting rich folks more and more slack benefited everyone. I’ve just never seen any evidence that that’s what happens. In fact, unless I’ve got my facts, wrong, it seems that the gap between the rich and poor continues to grow and the middle class continues to shrink. ?

 
 

Of course trickle down works because Reagan!

Also, SHUT UP!

 
 

If you were to ask a Cleveland cab driver whether LeBron James got rich by exploiting people (in other words, whether Karl Marx was right), the cabbie would probably laugh at you.

You know you else would laugh at you? MARX for that egregious misreading. Ask the driver if capitalism is exploitative when Dan Gilbert demands a new venue paid for by the taxpayers, then has the water fountains removed to force people to purchase drinks.

 
 

Whoa. Retarded punctuation in my last post much?

 
The Goddamn Batman Got Game
 

Hey, if Don “Smear” Papp is lonely for a rich man’s touch, he can always turn to Dan Gilbert. You remember him; he wrote that charming open letter that promised–guaranteed–that the Cavs would win a championship following, if not directly as a result of, the departure of the guy who was a better player than the Cavs ever dreamed of having prior to his joining the team. I don’t know if he’ll make you rich, but he may be willing to rewrite the ARM that’s busting your balls right now, for a modest fee.

 
 

Please go to the nearest window, stick your head out, and shout:

“Rich people, we’re sorry. We’ve committed the sin of actually observing your systemic gang-rape of civilization for thousands of years. We have believed the truth and borne pitchforks & torches against you. Forgive us for the nasty things we said, even if they were all dead-on & barely scratched the surface. Please don’t start a nuclear war, because you’re no more immune to lethal gamma-rays than the rest of us. We want you dead, but we’ll settle for keeping you in exile in your gated communities if only you’ll leave the rest of us the fuck alone for a change. We are all better off with non-psychopathic neighbors. We’re going to tear down the ‘Keep Out’ signs – because we found that electric fences get the message across much faster & with less ambiguity. We’re not going to stop robbing you of the loot you’ve stolen from us, confiscating our wealth back from you as if you were somehow convicted criminals in the courts you already own – but we WILL stop you from getting your slimy fucking tentacles on any more of it. Please go away and do what you do best: seethe in quiet contempt of all of us.”

 
 

It’s bakers and bellhops and billiard cue makers. It’s salesmen and sadists and sousaphone players. It’s hookers and haberdashers and hothouse horticulture nay-sayers.

Oh that was marvelous , I love you!

marvelous weather for dally-dom dilling as well!

Hey Hey what a day!

 
 

While longer, I like jim’s version better.

Also, from Teh Poopster:

Please don’t go. We want you here.

No. No we don’t. Go. Please. Seriously, go.

Why?

Because we’ll find someone to take your place.

Where in the hell did these assfaces get the idea that rich people are indispensable? They’re disposable — and maybe even recyclable!

There are new millionaires created, and some millionaires become non-millionaires. It happens. All the time, in fact.

So leave. You first, Dr. Poopenstein.

 
 

If there truly is a God, then Cleveland will win the NBA title next season. And if I was a millionaire, I’d tell the IRS that they under billed me for taxes every year and pay twice the amount, cause that’s how grateful I would be to be rich and live in America. But that’s just me.

 
 

It’s bakers and bellhops and billiard cue makers. It’s salesmen and sadists and sousaphone players. It’s hookers and haberdashers and hothouse horticulture nay-sayers.

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

 
 

“Where in the hell did these assfaces get the idea that rich people are indispensable? They’re disposable — and maybe even recyclable!”

Welcome to the new Green economy.

 
 

It’s candy apples and ponies with dapples that you can ride all day

The rest of this Firesign Theatre quote isn’t work-safe but you could look it up….

 
 

unless I’ve got my facts, wrong, it seems that the gap between the rich and poor continues to grow and the middle class continues to shrink

Who do you believe: FOX NEWS or your lying mathematics?

 
 

Wow what an asslicker.

 
Alkonholics Anonymous
 

Don Papp

What a dirty smear.

 
 

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