Good news, flock! Pastor J. Grant Swank, Jr. has recovered from his semi-annual stroke and is churning out aphasia-soaked columns again! We’ll midrash two of ‘em shortly, but first a word from our sponsor:
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Now then, first up is a bodice-ripping yarn from the good pastor:
By Grant Swank
I am in love with Intelligent Design.
Is that not a hoot?
And a holler, Pastor Swank! Let’s imagine how this boy-meets-debunked-Creationist-stealth-campaign story played out.
Swank catches Intelligent Design on the rebound after it was dumped by Ben Stein, who had decided to replace it with a younger trophy theory with more junk science in the trunk. Swank, gentleman that he is, doesn’t try to cop a feel until the third date. Intelligent Design, sensing its theological clock ticking and giving up hope on holding out for Kirk Cameron, consents to marriage just a few short weeks later. Swank is over the moon, but as the wedding date approaches, ID begins to sense that he’s too clingy and grows increasingly distant. It all ends rather badly when Intelligent Design has to resort to a restraining order against an increasingly unhinged Swank, whose angry, profanity-laced voice messages are leaked to Beliefnet and the world is stunned to hear the once-beloved pastor demanding that ID give him a blow job or he’ll burn down the Discovery Institute.
Those pro-God have to walk on eggs because they are considered dumb if they use the word ‘God’.
Also if they fuck up the phrase ‘walk on eggshells’.
Therefore, they have coined Intelligent Design in hopes of squeezing in various nitches.
‘Nitches’ are what you catch to win the game in Retarded Quidditch.
As for myself, I have fallen in love with Intelligent Design so that He has secreted to me His real name. It is ‘God’.
God secretions would get anybody hot under the collar. Oh yeah, baby! Felch the controversy!
Moving on, we are horrified to learn of an ‘atrocity’ that recently transpired at the Maine Medical Center in Portland, Maine:
By Grant Swank
Muslim mats available in the hospital chapel.
Torahs available for the Jews.
Christians could not find a Bible in the chapel. However, traditionally Bibles have been there on the back shelf.
(Clutches pearls, faints)
‘Well, Christians can walk across the hall to the chaplain’s office and ask for a Bible.’ That is what the chaplain’s secretary told me when I phoned about this intolerable situation.
Wait, that’s the payoff? Obama didn’t order the chapel stripped of Bibles or something? To get a Bible, you just had to walk across the freaking hall? Swank’s sputtered out some craaaaazy shit in his day, but freaking out about the book-shelving arrangement at a hospital chapel may be the craziest.
Muslims get front row seats. Christians are slid into the basement.
Technically, no. They have to walk across the hall, you see … oh, never mind.
‘This is not going to happen,’ I said. ‘Christians are demoted while Islamics are treated like royalty. Not.’
Pastor Swank watched Wayne’s World for the first time last week.
I phoned the religion editor at the Portland Press Herald and told him the discrimination against Christians and the elevating of Muslims at the hospital chapel.
I phone TV Channel Six with the same data.
The nervous giggling you heard on the other end of the line was them agreeing with you, Pastor.
Later that day I drove to the hospital, walked into the chapel and there were six Bibles of varying translations lying out in plain sight on the back shelf, per traditional usual.
There were several more Bible standing on their ends at the left hand of the shelf.
There was the pulpit Bible on the lectern.
In a silver framed picture frame was a letter from Jesus positioned neatly at the far right hand shelf. Many have read this letter from Jesus for it has become popular as a devotional read.
So not only was there an assload of Bibles in the chapel, but there were other Christian objects displayed prominently? We can see why you were so upset.
What had happened is that a friend of mine was admitted this week to the hospital for open heart surgery. He was rushed there and therefore had no time to get his personal Bible.
When in his room, an acquaintance of mine noted that the patient had no Bible. She went to the chapel to pick up a copy for his use in his room. No Bibles! But instead there were Muslim prayer mats and copies of the Torah. However, no Bibles!
Okay, this sort of explains what happened. Maybe next time you can put the bits of the story in proper chronological order — instead of doing this weird Pulp Fiction thing where the first thing we see is you harassing some poor secretary over the phone, then it cuts back to Jesus stabbing Mary Magdalene in the heart with an adrenaline shot the day before and then fast-forward to a scene where Yahweh walks in on Allah taking a shit and shoots him dead.
So she walked to the front of the chapel, lifted the huge copy from the lectern and exited the chapel. It ended up in the patient’s room — unwieldy copy but nevertheless a Bible. She was determined that the hospital provide the patient with God’s Word.
So the moral of the story is: If you ever get sick, steal the only Bible in the hospital chapel for your own use and sic a crazy pastor on local media.
When I learned about this atrocity I made a speedy phone call to the chaplain’s office per above conversation.
Do you not just love that this flap over literally nothing is characterized as an ‘atrocity’?
The end result was the hospital put out an all-hospital alarm for the missing chapel pulpit Bible, finally retrieving it.
Good Lord, man! Your friend STOLE the missing chapel pulpit Bible! Yet you write about it here as if it was an event of unknown provenance — and apparently you didn’t even have the decency to just tell them it was in your other friend’s room, instead making a bunch of people scurry around looking for it! Why, it’s almost as if the root cause of this whole ‘atrocity’ was you and your crazy pals!
One suspects that Pastor Swank won’t be satisfied until the Maine Medical Center is torn down and rebuilt entirely out of Bibles.