Jul
29

Swanks Two Of For Price The One




Posted at 22:03 by D. Aristophanes

Good news, flock! Pastor J. Grant Swank, Jr. has recovered from his semi-annual stroke and is churning out aphasia-soaked columns again! We’ll midrash two of ‘em shortly, but first a word from our sponsor:

ABOVE: Delicious when served with White Deviled Eggs

Now then, first up is a bodice-ripping yarn from the good pastor:

I’m in love with Intelligent Design

By Grant Swank

I am in love with Intelligent Design.

Is that not a hoot?

And a holler, Pastor Swank! Let’s imagine how this boy-meets-debunked-Creationist-stealth-campaign story played out.

Swank catches Intelligent Design on the rebound after it was dumped by Ben Stein, who had decided to replace it with a younger trophy theory with more junk science in the trunk. Swank, gentleman that he is, doesn’t try to cop a feel until the third date. Intelligent Design, sensing its theological clock ticking and giving up hope on holding out for Kirk Cameron, consents to marriage just a few short weeks later. Swank is over the moon, but as the wedding date approaches, ID begins to sense that he’s too clingy and grows increasingly distant. It all ends rather badly when Intelligent Design has to resort to a restraining order against an increasingly unhinged Swank, whose angry, profanity-laced voice messages are leaked to Beliefnet and the world is stunned to hear the once-beloved pastor demanding that ID give him a blow job or he’ll burn down the Discovery Institute.

Those pro-God have to walk on eggs because they are considered dumb if they use the word ‘God’.

Also if they fuck up the phrase ‘walk on eggshells’.

Therefore, they have coined Intelligent Design in hopes of squeezing in various nitches.

‘Nitches’ are what you catch to win the game in Retarded Quidditch.

As for myself, I have fallen in love with Intelligent Design so that He has secreted to me His real name. It is ‘God’.

God secretions would get anybody hot under the collar. Oh yeah, baby! Felch the controversy!

Moving on, we are horrified to learn of an ‘atrocity’ that recently transpired at the Maine Medical Center in Portland, Maine:

Muslims front row, Christians to the basement

By Grant Swank

Muslim mats available in the hospital chapel.

Torahs available for the Jews.

Christians could not find a Bible in the chapel. However, traditionally Bibles have been there on the back shelf.

(Clutches pearls, faints)

‘Well, Christians can walk across the hall to the chaplain’s office and ask for a Bible.’ That is what the chaplain’s secretary told me when I phoned about this intolerable situation.

Wait, that’s the payoff? Obama didn’t order the chapel stripped of Bibles or something? To get a Bible, you just had to walk across the freaking hall? Swank’s sputtered out some craaaaazy shit in his day, but freaking out about the book-shelving arrangement at a hospital chapel may be the craziest.

Muslims get front row seats. Christians are slid into the basement.

Technically, no. They have to walk across the hall, you see … oh, never mind.

‘This is not going to happen,’ I said. ‘Christians are demoted while Islamics are treated like royalty. Not.’

Pastor Swank watched Wayne’s World for the first time last week.

I phoned the religion editor at the Portland Press Herald and told him the discrimination against Christians and the elevating of Muslims at the hospital chapel.

I phone TV Channel Six with the same data.

The nervous giggling you heard on the other end of the line was them agreeing with you, Pastor.

Later that day I drove to the hospital, walked into the chapel and there were six Bibles of varying translations lying out in plain sight on the back shelf, per traditional usual.

There were several more Bible standing on their ends at the left hand of the shelf.

There was the pulpit Bible on the lectern.

In a silver framed picture frame was a letter from Jesus positioned neatly at the far right hand shelf. Many have read this letter from Jesus for it has become popular as a devotional read.

So not only was there an assload of Bibles in the chapel, but there were other Christian objects displayed prominently? We can see why you were so upset.

What had happened is that a friend of mine was admitted this week to the hospital for open heart surgery. He was rushed there and therefore had no time to get his personal Bible.

When in his room, an acquaintance of mine noted that the patient had no Bible. She went to the chapel to pick up a copy for his use in his room. No Bibles! But instead there were Muslim prayer mats and copies of the Torah. However, no Bibles!

Okay, this sort of explains what happened. Maybe next time you can put the bits of the story in proper chronological order — instead of doing this weird Pulp Fiction thing where the first thing we see is you harassing some poor secretary over the phone, then it cuts back to Jesus stabbing Mary Magdalene in the heart with an adrenaline shot the day before and then fast-forward to a scene where Yahweh walks in on Allah taking a shit and shoots him dead.

So she walked to the front of the chapel, lifted the huge copy from the lectern and exited the chapel. It ended up in the patient’s room — unwieldy copy but nevertheless a Bible. She was determined that the hospital provide the patient with God’s Word.

So the moral of the story is: If you ever get sick, steal the only Bible in the hospital chapel for your own use and sic a crazy pastor on local media.

When I learned about this atrocity I made a speedy phone call to the chaplain’s office per above conversation.

Do you not just love that this flap over literally nothing is characterized as an ‘atrocity’?

The end result was the hospital put out an all-hospital alarm for the missing chapel pulpit Bible, finally retrieving it.

Good Lord, man! Your friend STOLE the missing chapel pulpit Bible! Yet you write about it here as if it was an event of unknown provenance — and apparently you didn’t even have the decency to just tell them it was in your other friend’s room, instead making a bunch of people scurry around looking for it! Why, it’s almost as if the root cause of this whole ‘atrocity’ was you and your crazy pals!

One suspects that Pastor Swank won’t be satisfied until the Maine Medical Center is torn down and rebuilt entirely out of Bibles.

120 Comments »

  1. Meanderthal said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:10

    Oh yeah, baby! Felch the controversy!

    Please never, ever, ever use those words again.

  2. Pupienus Maximus said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:11

    What the…? I don’t even….

  3. D. Aristophanes said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:13

    Reach-around the controversy? Better?

  4. Walking On Eggs said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:16

    Too much crazy, too little time.

  5. Paul Luscher said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:18

    I dunno. I thought “Nitches” was that German philosopher guy.

  6. Paul Luscher said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:19

    Oh yeah: Given his inability to use the English language in a coherent manner: Is this guy Sarah Palin’s speechwriter?

  7. Spaghetti Lee said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:19

    Muslims up front, Christians to the basement closet.

  8. Spaghetti Lee said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:21

    Also, is Hay El some distant relative of Superman? Sheesh, not only do the Negroes hate us white folk, they hate superheroes, too! The nerve.

  9. actor212 said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:22

    Therefore, they have coined Intelligent Design in hopes of squeezing in various nitches.

    “Various” was Frederick’s younger, non-existential brother.

    As for myself, I have fallen in love with Intelligent Design so that He has secreted to me His real name. It is ‘God’.

    This “God” feller isn’t all that clever. So much for omniscience! Doesn’t he know the correct inside joke is “Tim”?

    Muslim mats available in the hospital chapel.

    They’re great for Pilates, and also stretching a point.

  10. D. Aristophanes said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:22

    Fucking syntax, how do work they?

  11. actor212 said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:23

    Later that day I drove to the hospital, walked into the chapel and there were six Bibles of varying translations lying out in plain sight on the back shelf, per traditional usual.

    Neatly dusted, I bet, as the cleaning crew probably lovingly took them off the shelf temporarily to clean them.

  12. Chris said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:24

    If it’ll make him feel better, in the chapel at my ultra-liberal university, the Christians (all denominations) used the big worship room on the ground floor for all of their services, while the Muslims used a smaller room in the basement for theirs.

    The Muslim Students Association never bitched about how it was a plot by the university to fuck them over. Not the first time the MSA would have behaved with more class than “our” own fundie psychos.

  13. actor212 said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:25

    Fucking syntax, how do work they?

    It’s fortunate you fucks this upped on a Swank post, DA. We can all just imagine they’re some PoMo ironic snark.

  14. actor212 said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:27

    One suspects that Pastor Swank won’t be satisfied until the Maine Medical Center is torn down and rebuilt entirely out of Bibles.

    Hm. There’s some money to be made here. You know that Bud Light commercial they showed at the Super Bowl, with the house made of cans of Bud Light?

  15. Paul Luscher said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:28

    “the correct inside joke is “Tim”….

    …and his sign is “The Shoe”…..(channeling “Life of Brian”….)

  16. wiley said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:29

    So there is a plot to “bury Christianity” that can be foiled by Christians carrying their own bibles and the answer is to call the newspapers, news stations, and blog about the evil plot that is evidenced by a hospital chapel not having Christian bibles in stock though there were OTHER religious paraphernalia lying about? There is NO other explanation but that this is an evil plot? Christ. I hope that hospital isn’t getting nasty notes from frothing wing-nuts.

  17. Spaghetti Lee said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:29

    One suspects that Pastor Swank won’t be satisfied until the Maine Medical Center is torn down and rebuilt entirely out of Bibles.

    Heh indeedy. Makes me wonder how far a gifted architect could run with this. If you turned on the faucet, would Bibles come out? Could they somehow use bibles as a light source?

  18. actor212 said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:31

    There is NO other explanation but that this is an evil plot?

    That’s central to his point.

  19. vacuumslayer said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:31

    If you think that “cartoon” is racist, guess what? Yup, you’re the racist.

  20. No-Visible-Means said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:31

    Nitches’ are what you catch to win the game in Retarded Quidditch.

    Is that something like Lawn Darts?
    And Stop Picking On Trig!

  21. actor212 said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:32

    If you turned on the faucet, would Bibles come out?

    There are hot verses and cold verses, of course. But be careful flushing the urinal or you might get a flood of epistles.

  22. Meanderthal said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:32

    Could they somehow use bibles as a light source?

    They glow by their own holy light.

  23. actor212 said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:33

    Aw, fuck, I didn’t see this

    Sorry for stepping on your joke, Paul.

  24. Norm Prophet Abraham said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:33

    Tonight, on “This Old Bible”….

  25. vacuumslayer said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:34

    “Nitches’ are what you catch to win the game in Retarded Quidditch.”

    One of several LOL-inducing excerpts from this entry.

  26. actor212 said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:34

    By the way, DA, those Crackas should be from Aunt Jemima.

  27. actor212 said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:35

    Could they somehow use bibles as a light source?

    Yes, but the electricity is never AC/DC, except in the public men’s room.

  28. Chris said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:39

    If you think that “cartoon” is racist, guess what? Yup, you’re the racist.

    Racists are the real racists.

    Wait…

  29. actor212 said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:40

    In a silver framed picture frame was a letter from Jesus positioned neatly at the far right hand shelf.

    It’s always nice to get a letter from the grandkids.

  30. vacuumslayer said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:41

    “Racists are the real racists”

    RACIST!

  31. D. Aristophanes said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:42

    actor – so you’re God’s dad? That blows my mind.

  32. actor212 said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:44

    actor – so you’re God’s dad? That blows my mind.

    I think so.

    At least that’s what everyone says to me.

    Not that I am, just that I think I am.

  33. actor212 said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:45

    I also hear “You’re a real basket.”

    I’m not sure I hear all that good anymore. Something about being “a son of a beach” but then how could I be God’s dad?

  34. Smut Clyde said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:46

    He has secreted to me His real name

    Is it wrong of me to imagine the names coming out on thin plates or scales of wax, secreted by God’s wax glands and sliding out between the ventral segments of His abdomen?

  35. stryx said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:47

    So this post is just another parable about the Swankfish slid in to the Swankbarrel and DA is the Archer with a Gun who rains down hellfire and eggs?

    Swanky word salad- how does it work?

  36. Dan Someone said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:49

    I’m sorry, but “Felch the controversy” wins the Internets today.

  37. vacuumslayer said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:51

    actor, have you shown god your etchings?

  38. Paul Luscher said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:53

    actor 212: No prob. It was just too hard to resist, when I saw that little Swankism….

    Like your blog, by the way….

  39. Smut Clyde said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:53

    If you turned on the faucet, would Bibles come out?
    Check out the sink.

  40. tigris said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:54

    Therefore, they have coined Intelligent Design in hopes of squeezing in various nitches.

    That means when the IDers testified under oath it oh so totally wasn’t a way to sneak GOD into anyone’s nitches, they lied. As per traditional usual.

    When in his room, an acquaintance of mine noted that the patient had no Bible. She went to the chapel to pick up a copy for his use in his room. No Bibles!

    Well, no Bibles except the one she expropriated for her friend’s personal use. Also interesting: after you alerted the staff to the missing Bibles and they searched all the rooms, BANG, all the Bibles that apparently everyone feels free to take to their rooms were MIRACULOUSLY back in the chapel the next time you visited! Another triumph for GOD!

  41. actor212 said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:55

    Thanks, Paul.

    actor, have you shown god your etchings?

    Dude provided me with the charcoal, so no.

  42. actor212 said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:56

    Check out the sink.

    He did this for his show, Toy Stories. I been meaning to catch this episode.

  43. vacuumslayer said,

    July 29, 2010 at 22:57

    No kitten for you, god. I’m sorry…Mr. God.

  44. Jennifer said,

    July 29, 2010 at 23:00

    I has kweshuns.

    Is this hospital a private institution?

    If so, why is it up to the hospital to keep a big supply of free Bibles on hand? If the market wants patients to have Bibles, the Invisible Hand will supply them.

  45. Mark D said,

    July 29, 2010 at 23:03

    **stunned silence**

    I … uh … got no clue how to respond. Snark generator … overwhelmed … too much to mock …

    I’ll need time to reset and come back to this.

  46. actor212 said,

    July 29, 2010 at 23:04

    Maine Medical Center is a nonprofit, private corporation governed by volunteer trustees from the communities we serve. MMC serves as a community hospital for the people of greater Portland, Maine and as the premier tertiary care center for northern New England.

    Also…

    The Barbara Bush Children’s Hospital at Maine Medical Center was named in honor of her long-standing commitment to children’s issues in the state of Maine. At the public naming in 1995, Mrs. Bush graciously accepted the honor, and reminded those in attendance that “children are our future” and providing “a great start to life for all children” is the most basic of needs and priorities.

    Oh man, the Swank knocked one of his own!

  47. Mark D said,

    July 29, 2010 at 23:07

    If the market wants patients to have Bibles, the Invisible Hand will supply them.

    The Invisible Hand is too busy giving out what everyone thinks are prostate exams, followed by a slap to the face …

    … and it doesn’t even take the latex glove off first.

  48. Steve said,

    July 29, 2010 at 23:09

    Muslim scum dont belong in this country. They are worse than Mexicans and just as ugly. If Our Nation’s borders are not secured, not only will millions of filthy disease ridden illegal aliens invade to pop out anchor babies and collect welfare checks, but Al Queda will take advantage of the porous situation and send in operatives.

    The Federal government’s inaction to protect Our National Soverignty is disturbing to say the least. The Constitution specifically authorizes the Federal government to defend against foreign invasion. Millions of illegal aliens pouring over the border each year with instructions from the Mexican government to retake the Southwest clearly constitutes an invasion. Mexican troops have also occupied several counties in southern Arizona and Obama has done NOTHING about it!

    This is an outrage to say the least. Unfortunately, the Federal government controls the weaponry of the Arizona National Guard. So Governor Brewer mobilizing the National Guard will make little sense. Arizona should instead mobilize the citizen militia to repel the illegal Mexican invasion.

    My bet is you loony libs are gonna side with the Mexicans on this one?

    Leftist comments in support of Mexico in three…two…one…

  49. Mr. Wonderful said,

    July 29, 2010 at 23:11

    My newest theory–doomed to failure like all the rest, when it comes to Swank–is that the proper way to read his writings is to pretend you’re sitting on a crosstown bus next to an obviously deranged person. The person is muttering to himself.

    In that context, Swank’s distinctive combination of impulse-shopper phrasing, self-stimulating outrage, and sardonic-lunatic “humor,” make sense. Sort of.

  50. Sirius Lunacy said,

    July 29, 2010 at 23:44

    I remember when I found I had nitches in my hair. I had to use a special shampoo and burn all my clothes and linens. Those were hard times.

  51. Ben said,

    July 29, 2010 at 23:49

    Th-th-they hid the b-b-bibles on me! It’s almost like they were trying to m-make me look c-c-crazy!

  52. roy edroso said,

    July 29, 2010 at 23:53

    Ben Stein, who had decided to replace it with a younger trophy theory with more junk science in the trunk

    You magnificent bastard.

  53. mycroft said,

    July 29, 2010 at 23:54

    As for myself, I have fallen in love with Intelligent Design so that He has secreted to me His real name. It is ‘God’.

    Oh look. It’s Horselover Fat’s retarded, boring cousin who is bad at science!!@

  54. Senior Winces said,

    July 29, 2010 at 23:55

    This is an outrage to say the least. Unfortunately, the Federal government controls the weaponry of the Arizona National Guard. So Governor Brewer mobilizing the National Guard will make little sense. Arizona should instead mobilize the citizen militia to repel the illegal Mexican invasion.

    My bet is you loony libs are gonna side with the Mexicans on this one?

    Why would we argue with you when you make such a racist case?

  55. Bitter Scribe said,

    July 30, 2010 at 0:05

    His friend stole a Bible? She stole a fucking Bible and she’s the victim?

  56. Bitter Scribe said,

    July 30, 2010 at 0:07

    Mexican troops have also occupied several counties in southern Arizona and Obama has done NOTHING about it!

    Just 95 years ago they invaded New Mexico. Obama has done nothing about that either.

  57. Scott said,

    July 30, 2010 at 0:11

    As for myself, I have fallen in love with Intelligent Design so that He has secreted to me His real name. It is ‘God’.

    Now that we know God’s True Name, our godless Harry Potter wizards can now cast spells at him. Thanks a lot, Pastor Swank! We’ll let God know his case of magically-induced explosive diarrhea came courtesy of you!

  58. Whale Chowder said,

    July 30, 2010 at 0:17

    The Invisible Hand is too busy giving out what everyone thinks are prostate exams, followed by a slap to the face …

    … and it doesn’t even take the latex glove off first.

    The “Dirty Hand-chez,” often given to lower and lower middle class citizens of the Anarcho-capitalist state.

  59. Lurking Canadian said,

    July 30, 2010 at 0:19

    Aren’t “nitches” what the waiters serve to people who piss them off?

    Millions of illegal aliens pouring over the border each year with instructions from the Mexican government to retake the Southwest clearly constitutes an invasion

    Steve, Ive told you before you aren’t supposed to stop taking your thorazine unless the doctor says so. Also, do you remember how yesterday we talked in circle about not sharing the things the voices say? Now you run along with Nurse to your afternoon electroshock treatment.

  60. Whale Chowder said,

    July 30, 2010 at 0:21

    Also, too, that cartoon is offensive on so many levels it makes my head spin.

    The creator needs to be bitch-slapped. Hard.

  61. Nymstradamus said,

    July 30, 2010 at 0:27

    So not only was there an assload of Bibles in the chapel, but there were other Christian objects displayed prominently? We can see why you were so upset.

    To be fair, it was a metric assload and we all know that the metric system is the tool of the Devil.

  62. DrDick said,

    July 30, 2010 at 0:32

    I am in love with Intelligent Design.

    While personally embodying its rebuttal. There is a god and she hates Talibangelicals (but loves secular humanists).

  63. Substance McGravitas said,

    July 30, 2010 at 0:41

    To be fair, it was a metric assload

    I think the point being missed is that if the Christians entering the chapel had their asses properly stuffed with scripture in the first place they wouldn’t have had to worry about what was on the shelf AND they would have had a fun party trick.

  64. jim x / another j said,

    July 30, 2010 at 0:42

    His prose has a strange negative style of missing pronouns, that creates it’s own sort of rhythm. It’s almost jazzy, as if considering a melody by the notes it leaves out.

    Almost like a haiku, if a haiku could punch your brain.

  65. jim x / another j said,

    July 30, 2010 at 0:45

    And this:

    There were several more Bible standing on their ends at the left hand of the shelf.

    Bible? Bible?? As if no plurals can exist due to copyright laws, such as one does not eat Cheez-its but a certain amount of Cheez-It instead?

  66. Pupienus Maximus said,

    July 30, 2010 at 0:46

    @mycroft
    Congrats. You have found possibly the only way to ruin PKD for me. I’ll never be able read Valis again without thinking of the Swankster. Fucker.

  67. Pupienus Maximus said,

    July 30, 2010 at 0:47

    It’s eggs mcmuffin godamnit.

  68. Pupienus Maximus said,

    July 30, 2010 at 0:51

    I think the point being missed is that if the Christians entering the chapel had their asses properly stuffed with scripture in the first place they wouldn’t have had to worry about what was on the shelf AND they would have had a fun party trick.

    The humorless dildos leave no room for scripture.

  69. Nymstradamus said,

    July 30, 2010 at 0:52

    I think the point being missed is that if the Christians entering the chapel had their asses properly stuffed with scripture in the first place they wouldn’t have had to worry about what was on the shelf AND they would have had a fun party trick.

    I’m pretty sure I got the gist of that point. The “metric assload” thing was just another gratuitous swipe at the good Pastor. Swank’s the kind of person who would most likely loathe the metric system, being that it’s “foreign” and all.

  70. Angry Geometer said,

    July 30, 2010 at 1:13

    As for myself, I have fallen in love with Intelligent Design a transvestite I met in a bus station bathroom so that He has secreted to me His real name. It is ‘God’.

  71. Angry Geometer said,

    July 30, 2010 at 1:18

    As if no plurals can exist due to copyright laws, such as one does not eat Cheez-its but a certain amount of Cheez-It instead?

    I’m pretty sure the grammatically correct way to say it is “I ate a bunch of Cheezes-It.”

  72. Smut Clyde said,

    July 30, 2010 at 1:29

    the grammatically correct way to say it is
    i eated thems.

    I was going to make a joke about the mass noun / count noun distinction but, then my mind became distracted by the concept of a vampire novel for grammarians featuring the aristocratic Count Noun.

  73. Polonius said,

    July 30, 2010 at 1:29

    I don’t understand… they had a Torah, no? It’s sort of the Reader’s Digest Bible, in that it contains just the smitey parts, which are the only bits Swanky cares about anyway. Might want to read that “Thou shalt not steal” lesson again, though.

  74. Whale Chowder said,

    July 30, 2010 at 1:35

    The humorless dildos leave no room for scripture.

    When you think about it, there is probably no more humorless dildo than one made out of scripture.

  75. mycroft said,

    July 30, 2010 at 1:37

    @ Marcus Clodius

    Glad to help. If you let me know some other things you enjoy, I will try to work those into conversations as well. For example, I have an awesome comparison between Kilgore Trout and Jonah Goldberg that I’ve been saving for a rainy day.

  76. Smut Clyde said,

    July 30, 2010 at 1:43

    there is probably no more humorless dildo than one made out of scripture.
    That has been covered in earlier threads:

    http://www.divine-interventions.com/baby.php

  77. Lurking Canadian said,

    July 30, 2010 at 1:44

    I seem to have lost my ability to post. FYWP for good measure.

  78. Lurking Canadian said,

    July 30, 2010 at 1:45

    Oh, FFSWP. Let’s try this again:

    I foolishly clicked on the link that accompanies that cartoon. I naively had assumed that it was drawn by some lefty caricaturing the positions of the wingnuts.

    No, it was drawn by a wingnut who is very proud of his work and receiving kudos from his fans.

    But the real racists, we must remember, are black civil servants whose parents were beaten to death by the police.

    It’s a real shame what global warming is doing to the glaciers, because there are some people who really need to be pushed out on an ice floe with a quickness.

    (I apologize if this appears more than once. WP is being unusually strange.)

  79. Smut Clyde said,

    July 30, 2010 at 1:49

    I seem to have lost my ability to post. FYWP for good measure.

    Going on past form, the problem is probably that WP has been bribed not to accept your posts, to ensure that SMcG can steal your jokes before you.

  80. Lurking Canadian said,

    July 30, 2010 at 1:50

    Steal my jokes? Most nights, I can’t give them away.

    Is it possible that WP has a safeword?

  81. Whale Chowder said,

    July 30, 2010 at 1:54

    http://www.divine-interventions.com/baby.php

    That’s humorfull! And cute!

    Is it possible that WP has a safeword?

    I believe it’s FYWP. Pronounced feewhoop.

  82. SoCoGal said,

    July 30, 2010 at 2:18

    If I ever found my niche, I’d finger the hell out of it.

  83. wiley said,

    July 30, 2010 at 2:19

    So these nuts are taking dogs to protest the building of a mosque at a site where a mosque has been operating for a decade, and they plan to sing songs too, because “Muslims hate dogs and songs”. If you wanted to launch a counter-protest—besides singing songs with tunes enthusiastically and dancing in time—what would you do? A tub of peanut butter might be a good foil.

  84. Smut Clyde said,

    July 30, 2010 at 2:30

    “Muslims hate dogs and songs”

    “They hate Jews, they hate Christians, they hate women, they hate dogs. [...] I want you to stress this — I’m not prejudiced.”
    No projection going on here, oh my no.

  85. jim said,

    July 30, 2010 at 2:34

    Cartoonist needs moar medication – click that link if you’re running short on Palin-porn (brain-bleach sold seperately – would you believe “Sarah Palin, Master Debater”?)… someone’s still cleaning the “starbursts” off his sofa (or the hindquarters of his livestock), by the looks of it.

    No doubt about it: Swank definitely fills a neesh.

    Now we know the REAL reason Stein’s become so quiet about ID:

    I have come to know this love through this Intelligent Design’s death for me.

    Intelligent Design theory perished in a Dover courtroom, that we might have eternal stupid.

    I know that on university campuses there is scoffing about all this. That does not matter. There has always been scoffing. It goes with this territory.

    Science? We don’t got no science. WE DON’T NEED NO STEENKING SCIENCE!

  86. Woodrowfan said,

    July 30, 2010 at 2:36

    So these nuts are taking dogs to protest the building of a mosque at a site where a mosque has been operating for a decade, and they plan to sing songs too, because “Muslims hate dogs and songs”. If you wanted to launch a counter-protest—besides singing songs with tunes enthusiastically and dancing in time—what would you do? A tub of peanut butter might be a good foil.

    I sense a revival of “Jingle Bells” by the Barking Dogs…

  87. tigris said,

    July 30, 2010 at 2:38

    Barbra Streisand and Amy Grant singing “Atomic Dog” would really bake their noodle.

  88. Who let the dogs out? said,

    July 30, 2010 at 2:42

    I could not possibly comment.

  89. krasen said,

    July 30, 2010 at 2:42

    OK, this may be cruel, but I have to get it out:

    Why do you, science-hating fucks, even opt for open-heart surgeries? Why not let your fucking Jesus heal you with his magical powers? Huh? Just go to your fucking megachurches and pray on your fucking Bibles. But no, you HAVE to go to these heretic places with all their penicilins, and anaesthetics, and cardiograms, and definrilators etc., in addition to their Muslim mats. Just don’t fucking go there, OK!

    there, sorry for the rant…

  90. Lurking Canadian said,

    July 30, 2010 at 2:43

    When viewing the cartoon, jim, it’s important to remember that the real racists are the black public servants who are closely related to victims of fatal police beatings.

  91. M. Bouffant said,

    July 30, 2010 at 2:53

    krasen: See also, Jehoover’s Witlesses, & Xian “Science.”

  92. noen said,

    July 30, 2010 at 2:55

    “Muslims get front row seats. Christians are slid into the basement.”

    Sounds like a fun amusement park ride.Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

  93. Substance McGravitas said,

    July 30, 2010 at 2:58

    to ensure that SMcG can steal your jokes before you.

    In Soviet Russia, joke steals me!

  94. Smut Clyde said,

    July 30, 2010 at 4:01

    I sense a revival of “Jingle Bells” by the Barking Dogs…
    Who let the dogs out?

  95. gocart mozart said,

    July 30, 2010 at 4:21

    Those pro-God have to walk on eggs because they are considered dumb if they use the word ‘God’.

    “Also if they fuck up the phrase ‘walk on eggshells’.”

    I think you are being toi hard on Swank on this one D. Aristophanes. Have you ever tried to walk on a floor of eggs benedict? That shit be slippery. Perhaps this is what the good Pastor meant?

  96. Larkspur said,

    July 30, 2010 at 4:32

    Oh good night nurse. Pro-God people are walking on eggs? Squishing the wee eggs? Thwarting the destiny of each wee egg? Aborting the eggs with their great big Xtian feet?

    There is a special hell for that.

  97. g said,

    July 30, 2010 at 4:35

    Steve? seriously, the new troll’s nym is “Steve”?

    need to try harder.

  98. Arky said,

    July 30, 2010 at 4:38

    Has anyone ever seen Pastor sWank and Orly Taitz in the same room?

    Just askin’.

  99. gocart mozart said,

    July 30, 2010 at 4:41

    Eggs? Shouldn’t the Swank approved terminology be pre-born chickens?

  100. Ellen Smith said,

    July 30, 2010 at 4:44

    Per traditional usual….that’s gonna be my motto from now on!

  101. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    July 30, 2010 at 4:52

    g said,

    July 30, 2010 at 4:35

    Steve? seriously, the new troll’s nym is “Steve”?

    need to try harder.
    ==========================

    Something more like AmericanFreedomGunsApplepie.
    ~

  102. Chris said,

    July 30, 2010 at 4:58

    There is a special hell for that.

    Child molestors, people who talk at the theater, and people who walk on eggs? Interesting hell.

  103. Larkspur said,

    July 30, 2010 at 5:02

    Yay, Chris! Good Bible.

  104. Nom de Plume said,

    July 30, 2010 at 5:09

    In a silver framed picture frame was a letter from Jesus positioned neatly at the far right hand shelf.

    I bid infinity dollars. Hell, name your price. I’ll pay it.

  105. Anonymous said,

    July 30, 2010 at 5:10

    The best fucks were always those bible boys.

  106. psycholinguist said,

    July 30, 2010 at 5:22

    DAMN IT! I finally get a tread begging for relevant linguistics snark and it’s dead.

    Is that broca’s or Wernicke’s? See – I got a million of em, dang dang dang

  107. Eh! Steve! said,

    July 30, 2010 at 5:46

    seriously, the new troll’s nym is “Steve”?

    Eh! Steve!

  108. Chris said,

    July 30, 2010 at 5:49

    seriously, the new troll’s nym is “Steve”?

    Yeah, it is kind of disappointing. Like Jack Sparrow meeting a man who lost both his arms and part of his eye and calling him “Larry.”

  109. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    July 30, 2010 at 5:53

    seriously, the new troll’s nym is “Steve”?

    That is dumb. He should get a normal name like me.

  110. Substance McGravitas said,

    July 30, 2010 at 6:31

    Wylie the Woeful Archaeologist
    Patrolman Dare the Basketmaker
    Charlena Subdued-Throbbed the Minotaur Lizard
    Encourage the Rat
    Karol Lucien the Controversial Swamp Stalker
    Han Confess-Squeak the Midwife
    Yiserobena Shoowpemkliqu the Foulmouthed Chinese Ferret Badger
    Fussycit Pew the Issued Moldmaker
    Gwenn-Dave Aggregate
    Major Cluheader Preprocessor-Virtual the Chigger
    Accused-Threatens the Orange School Superintendent
    Ernesto Reveal-Adversity the Systems Designer
    Marcelle Rubbers
    Incest Uncommitted the Fictitious Mathematician
    Subterfuge Israeli
    Sorry Racially-Stave
    Mushy the Evangelical Receptionist
    Christmas Viewer
    Conceptual Idiocy

  111. Some Guy said,

    July 30, 2010 at 6:36

    “When in his room, an acquaintance of mine noted that the patient had no Bible. She went to the chapel to pick up a copy for his use in his room. No Bibles! But instead there were Muslim prayer mats and copies of the Torah. However, no Bibles!”

    Maybe the Hospital staff got sick of people the bibles to their rooms?

    “So she walked to the front of the chapel, lifted the huge copy from the lectern and exited the chapel. It ended up in the patient’s room — unwieldy copy but nevertheless a Bible. She was determined that the hospital provide the patient with God’s Word.”

    Hey, wow, I was right. Wait, so there WAS a bible in the chapel. Cause she just… argh. Rather then ask someone for a bible, she decides to steal the one that probably cost $100. Cause she’s so fucking important. Do they not have bookstores in the town this Hospital is in?

    “The end result was the hospital put out an all-hospital alarm for the missing chapel pulpit Bible, finally retrieving it.”

    Surely, my friend is the only person in this hospital who needs the word of god! Let the other sick be left cold and alone in their most desperate hour, for WE require this librum of faith, and WE alone deserve it!
    Did PASTOR Swank not have an extra Bible lying around his house for this guy? Jesus tittyfucking Christ..

    I mostly just lurk these days, but Pastor Swank is just that special brand of stupid that riles me up. I wonder why people think Christians are dumb?

  112. Alicia Morgan said,

    July 30, 2010 at 6:47

    Sweet Cuppin’ Cakes!

  113. That monkey from "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" voiced by Neil Patrick Harris said,

    July 30, 2010 at 7:05

    STEEEEEEVE!

  114. actor212 said,

    July 30, 2010 at 13:14

    If I ever found my niche, I’d finger the hell out of it.

    INTEREST!

    Website? Newsletter?

  115. actor212 said,

    July 30, 2010 at 13:15

    Arizona should instead mobilize the citizen militia to repel the illegal Mexican invasion.

    A buncha rednecks against guys who carry automatic weapons?

    Bloodbath in 3…2….1…

  116. Oblio's Cap said,

    July 30, 2010 at 14:27

    So Jesus wrote a letter to the hospital – which they framed- but he couldn’t bother to say much of anything to be quoted in the gospels? There aren’t too many red letters in the red-letter version of the bible.

    What a slacker.

  117. teh Universal Schlong said,

    July 30, 2010 at 15:28

    Once you go long you always belong.

    Swank me! Swank me!

    Unh!

  118. Jamey said,

    August 1, 2010 at 3:01

    “Christians could not find a Bible in the chapel. However, traditionally Bibles have been there on the back shelf.”

    This is my main beef with the Gideons. People do not go to hotels to be closer to God. If you think there is a Bible shortage in America, shouldn’t you be putting them where somebody might actually want to read one? When you are scheduled to have a camera run up your ass to look for tumors the next day, that’s when you want to read The Good Shepherd. Not when you are about to order Hot-N-Horny Milfs 2 on pay per view.

  119. Iamspartacus said,

    August 1, 2010 at 7:49

    Letter from Jesus? In the original Aramaic? I’ll bet it says “So long, and thanks for all the loaves and fish.”

  120. Cyan said,

    August 6, 2010 at 4:57

    Pastor Swank watched Wayne’s World for the first time last week.

    No, the good Pastor would never sully his eyes watching a movie about men with long hair. Actually, Mike Myers stole the terminal “Not!” construction from Pastor Swank, who, in an odd twist, found himself called to the clergy after being inspired by Dana Carvey’s Church Chat sketch.

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