Wack Ado

Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio,

Frank Ross, Big Government:
‘The Nation’ Turns a Lonely Eye To Big Mullah Omar Scoop

Woop-woop-woop.1

Not surprisingly, the country’s oldest continuously published magazine, The Nation, is turning a jaundiced eye toward Brad Thor’s explosive scoop that the notorious Mullah Omar has been captured.

Always turning, this jaundiced and lonely eye. But let’s return to the practical for a moment. Brad Thor’s Explosive Scoop sounds like a detonation of dog waste and raisins, but if they put out an album, Pitchfork would totally review it. I’m just saying: Brad Thor doesn’t have to actually be in the band any more than Jefferson had to be in Starship, and I play drums a bit, so…

Originally an abolitionist broadsheet, The Nation has evolved into the most radical leftist publication in the U.S.; among its more notable moments was the publication in 1966 of the Cloward-Piven strategy for social destabilization.

And we all know what havoc Clowntard-Piven wreaked. Okay, he got me: I’m going to go look it up.2

The Nation isn’t even the most radical leftist publication in Barnes & Noble, but it’s certainly more ‘leftist’ than The New Republic, and to a Ross (or whatever his real name is), those are just two ways of saying the same thing. One of these days, and he’ll never know how, Ross will wake up to find the exact, fence-straddling middle of his mainstream occupied by The Weekly Standard, with Newsmax as a scrappy investigative entity daringly going after tomorrow’s headlines.

In that light, consider Jeremy Scahill’s recent screed, “(Not) Much Ado About Mullah Omar.”

I’ve been writing screeds for years and still don’t know what that word means, although I’ve long suspected in a vague way that it’s from the Norse, like ‘ski,’ ‘sky,’ and ‘skræling,’ as well as possibly ‘Scahill,’ so he got me: I’m going to go look it up.3

Also, title. The editors might supply these at The Nation, but how long would it have taken to come up with ‘Mullah it Over’ or even ‘Belly Up to Omar, Boys’? Eight seconds, that’s how long it takes to avoid a high-school-level Shakespeare pun by our measurements.

And it only takes four seconds to also avoid an Unsinkable Molly Brown pun. Think about it. No, think about it.

While Scahill might think it’s good journalism to bury the lead, we don’t. So let’s get right to it, shall we?

The lede? Oh right, what were we talking about again?

In his rush to criticize Brad Thor’s reporting that Mullah Omar has been captured, he waits until the middle of his piece before admitting:

I wouldn’t even be bothering to look into this now if I had not heard some parallel buzz about these rumors from military sources I actually trust.

But before Scahill gets to this nugget, he engages in some traditional liberal nihilism. Unable to attack the message, which he admits he has heard “parallel buzz” on, he attacks the messengers, saying:

It is a bit hard to believe that such a major development would have been leaked to a right-wing novelist with a name out of a Nordic porno, who is a regular contributor to Glenn Beck’s show, for publication on Andrew Breitbart’s web sites.

In some alternate world where ‘hearing buzz about rumors’ is the same thing as ‘reporting,’ some alternate Scahill’s ears are red now.

Even in this alternate world, it is hard to believe that such a major development as this would have been leaked to a right-wing novelist who is a regular contributor to Glenn Beck’s show, for publication on Andrew Breitbart’s web sites. The difference is that the novelist is not Brad Thor, but Jerkki Fäppalawänkkala, the Finnish author of right-wing cowboy, U-boat, and gladiator novels. The alternate Brad Thor is still named Brad Firbanks, and lacking the outlet of writing, bowls furiously on Thursday and Sunday evenings and is bitterly overinvolved in the HO-gauge model railroading community.

Scahill also conveys another telling item in support of Thor’s story:

No one is confirming anything at all, but I am told there are some pretty unenthusiastic denials making their way through the special forces world.

Really? Well, if Scahill has special forces sources,

SONG: “Special Forces Sources” sung by Ross and the Apollo Bicycles.4

and bases his reporting on them, then those SF sources must be good! Right?

I’m not even following the logical fallacies here, but apparently what happened was that Scahill dishonestly downplayed these rumors he heard, causing the rumors to gain all of Scahill’s credibility as a reporter and give it to Thor.

In fact, it would appear Thor and Scahill have very similar sources:

In fact, ‘it would appear’ is a phrase that reporters are taught to use in order to avoid the ambiguity of statements like ‘Scahill said’:

As for Thor, he has spent time with US special forces in Afghanistan–he claims they were a “black-ops team”– and may very well keep up some relationships with those men.

SONG: “Black Ops,” sung by Joe Bennett and the Sparkletones.

So are we to believe that Scahill’s military/SF sources are somehow more trustworthy than Thor’s? It would seem that Scahill reluctantly concedes that Thor’s sources are of value when, alluding to them, he says:

This would be the only way Thor has this story remotely right: If, by chance, he happens to know people on the ground who are in a very small, compartmentalized loop on this.

Aw, but let’s not let that get in the way. No one in his right mind should trust a best-selling novelist with a name out of a Nordic porno, who is a regular contributor to Glenn Beck’s show and publishes on Andrew Breitbart’s web sites.

Titlewise, our imagined summary post on this affair is now a tossup between ‘Thor Loser’ and ‘Wanknarök’ — although it really just keeps opening up, doesn’t it?


 

Notes:

1 Cf. recent, unexplained profusion of Simon and Garfunkel puns, cf. Lemonheads.
2 Cf.
3 Cf. ‘Scahill’ is one of many words in Irish whose utility is to identify lineages of Irish people.
4 Cf. muscle bikes.

 

Comments: 180

 
 
 

No one in his right mind should trust a best-selling novelist with a name out of a Nordic porno

This advice has saved my life on more than one occasion.

 
 

I’ve been writing screeds for years

That’s where you drag a flat straight piece of wood over a pile of sand to level it, Gavin.

 
 

Unable to attack the message, which he admits he has heard “parallel buzz” on

Stereo doobs, dood!

 
 

One vote for “Wanknarök” over here. And can some do the next post in Stan-Lee-inspired Thor talk? Or is that too much?

(That may be too much…)

 
 

As a Zevon fanboy I’d like to contribute “Mr. Brad Example” to the mix.

 
 

It’s all true! And because the lefty liberal baby eating homo press didn’t report The Truth about Obama’s citizenship, he was elected president. Unless … wait! Maybe the llbehp did report the actual results of the election?!

 
 

Brad Thor’s Explosive Scoop sounds like a detonation of dog waste and raisins

It’s ok but I liked his early stuff better.

 
 

No one is confirming anything at all, but I am told there are some pretty unenthusiastic denials making their way through the special forces world.

This was one of the more intriguing comments from Scahill and the reaction that right wingers have had to it is even more telling of an ignorance of simple English.

For which I blame the Reagan Department of Education but I digress…

If the denials were enthusiastic, it seems to me that would lend the story even more credibility than unenthusiastic denials.

Here’s how:

Scahill: Is Mullar Omar captive?

SF: No way, man! Where’d you hear that? No one told me and I really don’t think that if he was I wouldn’t know but you know, the Army and all that. Can you give me your source on this so I can check it out? I’d like to be sure.

Now, unenthusiastic:

Scahill: Is Mullar Omar captive?

SF: (pause)
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

Prosecution rests, your honor!

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

While Scahill might think it’s good journalism to bury the lead, we don’t. So let’s get right to it, shall we?

Neither do I. Here’s the thing, though: Scahill is contending that you guys are fucking retarded-ass lying pants-poopers (but in nicer, much more erudite terms because he’s awesome), not that Omar was captured. I mean, check out the headline, doucheface.

You can’t just make a story about whatever you want to make it about and then say the reporter “buried the lede.” Jackass.

 
 

Titlewise, our imagined summary post on this affair is now a tossup between ‘Thor Loser’ and ‘Wanknarök’

Ickdrosssellout

 
 

Does he write separate novels about U-boats and cowboys, or does he include them and the gladiators in each book of a series?

 
 

4 Cf. muscle bikes.

Wait. Bikes with sissy bars are “muscle bikes”????

 
 

Brad Thor’s Explosive Scoop sounds like a detonation of dog waste

I don’t think you’re understanding the utility of this device. You pick up your dog’s number twos with the scoop, which then EXPLODES, instantly vaporizing the scoop and the poop.

At least, that’s how the Acme brochure describes it. You can easily imagine how it works for Win G. Nuttie, standing there, smoldering in gray smoke and dog shit.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

bowls furiously on Thursday and Sunday evenings and is bitterly overinvolved in the HO-gauge model railroading community.

I never knew bowling and railroad models could be so……sordid.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Does he write separate novels about U-boats and cowboys, or does he include them and the gladiators in each book of a series?

The latter actually sounds kind of fucking awesome. I might be tempted to read them…

 
 

A Møøse once bit my sister …

 
 

It’s not dancing badgers, Gav, but….here

 
 

gosh you guys, I was just the guy talking in the other room and everyone quietly left me standing there alone, talking to no one…

**sniff**

 
 

bitterly overinvolved in the HO-gauge model railroading community
Despite the obvious similarity, Alternate universe Brad Thor AKA Brad Firbanks, is not my brother.

 
 

By which I mean, my brother (who is bitterly overinvolved in the HO scale railroading scene)is not Brad Firbanks AKA alternate universe Brad Thor.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

So, I went to Brad Thor’s wikipedia page, because I find it hard to believe that his real last name is “Thor” (apparently it is?) and saw this: “Thor has reportedly received personal threats and has been referred to by WorldNetDaily as ‘the new Salman Rushdie.'”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Shit. That’s some funny fucking shit!

 
 

I have to admit that Brad Thor has a pretty decent website, even if it is a bit overloaded with pops and bangs. Some of the illustrations and animations are nicely done.

This usually tells me the writing is for shit.

 
 

Alternate shorter fReichtards making complete asses of themselves:

Osama bin Who? No, no this Umar … Imar … uh … Omar guy is the one everyone wanted to capture all along! And … um… And now the lieberuls are keeping it secret!

[sound of flop sweat pattering to the ground]

LOOK! A SHINY THING!

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

This usually tells me the writing is for shit.

WAITWAITWAITWAITWAIT. Is there a TRAILER on that site? For a BOOK?

 
 

Is there a TRAILER on that site? For a BOOK?

I believe its in production for a film.

It’s interesting how his Wiki page has heavy edits by a user known as “Cervantes in Algiers”, which is a book that has two Amazon reviews, one from the Midwest Book Review.

The MBR also reviews Brad Thor’s novels, usually first.

I won’t offer any speculation on this, but one would have to question the ethical nature of this book review service.

 
 

a very small, compartmentalized loop

I don’t know Scahill from “an identifier of lineages of Irish people”… but when people use “compartmentalized” in this security-shorthand way — as if to say “I am privy to the jargon of security agencies, gleaned from many Tom Clancy novels” — then it sets off my douchebag detector.

 
 

Is there a TRAILER on that site? For a BOOK?

I believe its in production for a film.

Nope. I’m wrong. It’s a commercial.

 
 

I’m not following the faux logic of the argument. The government announces when it takes out the enemy all the time. The wingnuts are saying we got someone important and aren’t revealing it … why?

 
 

Shorter Rightwing Douchebags, From the Big Bang to the Heat-Death of the Universe: Some dude said some shit that I really want to believe and that makes it objectively true so everyone who is even slightly skeptical is part of an evil plot.

About right?

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

I believe its in production for a film.

Okay, I wasn’t sure since I don’t have sound. I thought it was insane that a publisher would spend the money to shoot a trailer for a book, but I don’t really understand what the fuck publishers are actually doing these days.

but when people use “compartmentalized” in this security-shorthand way — as if to say “I am privy to the jargon of security agencies, gleaned from many Tom Clancy novels” — then it sets off my douchebag detector.

Understandable. I actually like him quite a bit. Here’s his book and here’s his website.

 
 

Jim/TVB

I don’t think they’re claiming the Obama folks are covering anything up so much as they’re claiming they got a sekrit storee past the censors.

It’s not unsual for the Army to withhold a story for a while to follow up on it. Say, Omar had a lead on the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden or something

Which, of course, makes the story dangerous to our national security and Brad Thor and Jawa both traitors.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Nope. I’m wrong. It’s a commercial.

That’s depressing.

 
 

Okay, I wasn’t sure since I don’t have sound. I thought it was insane that a publisher would spend the money to shoot a trailer for a book, but I don’t really understand what the fuck publishers are actually doing these days.

We get commercials for books all the time on our morning local news. I suspect it’s a way to drive the commuter-book purchases, because its usually James Patterson or one of those other egregiously hamfisted “authors” like that.

 
 

Does he write separate novels about U-boats and cowboys, or does he include them and the gladiators in each book of a series?

I take it you’ve never read “Gladiator Claim-Jumpers of the Vasty Deep.” It’s a literary masterpiece.

 
 

So, I went to Brad Thor’s wikipedia page, because…

If you guys enjoyed checking out Brad Thor’s wikipedia entry, you’re *really* going to love Mullah Omar’s page. Ah hell, I’ll just spoil it for you:

“On Andrew Breitbart’s website Big Government, Brad Thor first broke the news that Omar has been captured.[34] Although some reporters were skeptical,[35] the Jawa Report confirmed that Thor was correct.[36]”

It’s already been added and removed several times in the past two days.

 
 

I take it you’ve never read “Gladiator Claim-Jumpers of the Vasty Deep.” It’s a literary masterpiece.

I disagree.

Needs more Sasquatch.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

We get commercials for books all the time on our morning local news.

I did not realize this was a thing. I’m supposed to be glad that people read anything at all, but I’m not.

 
 

I did not realize this was a thing.

Very much so.

 
 

“The sasquatch who became a general. The general who became a slave. The slave who found a home on the deep-sea range.”

 
 

Now, unenthusiastic:

Scahill: Is Mullar Omar captive?

SF: (pause)
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

I read “unenthusiastic” more as

Scahill: Is Mullar Omar captive?

SF: *sigh* For the eighty-seventh Goddamn time, no, he is not.

 
 

The Rubbed-out-shot of Omar Kablaam.

 
 

coming soon to a bookstore near you: The Red October II: The Legend of Ceasar’s hunt for Brokeback Mountain Rides Again: Electric Boogaloo.

 
 

The wingnuts are saying we got someone important and aren’t revealing it … why?

It’s all part of the Soros/Obama/Media plot to make America look bad. Duh!

 
 

“The sasquatch who became a general. The general who became a slave. The slave who found a home on the deep-sea range.”

Louis L’Amour’s Lonely On The Mountain?

Zane Grey’s Riders of the Purple Nurple?

 
 

Speaking of scary Muslims, Wonkette has identified a nest of fifth-columnist vipers in the War on Brown.

 
 

aka “Caesar Saddlebacks Submersible”

 
 

“Caesar Saddlebacks Submersible”

Isn’t that on The Olive Garden’s Unending Salad Bowl?

 
 

20,000 Leagues under a fistfull of Sestertii

 
 

Damn you, 77! I had a “Fistful” joke all set up!

 
 

Louis L’Amour’s Lonely On The Mountain?

Nope. Louis Namor’s Hairy Came The Soldier.

 
 

The Outlaw Giuseppe Wetsuit

 
 

they’re claiming they got a sekrit storee past the censors.

Ah, a classic win-win. Since there’s no word on this “capture,” they can claim Obsama’s administration is holding back TEH TRUTH! from the people.

If they had announced his capture (assuming it actually happened) they’d be claiming the Kenyan Usurper was mining the story for PR points and they should have held and interrogated him in sooper sekrit at a black site (see what I did there?).

Once again, they fit the narrative to the propaganda points to be scored.

 
 

WC,

And for bonus points, if we ever DO capture Omar or anyone else that far up the food chain, they can claim it was because we secretly had Omar all along.

 
 

The Outlaw Giuseppe Wetsuit
well played.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

I did not realize this was a thing.

Very much so.

And yet again, I’m reminded why I don’t watch anything that has commercials. Aside from being a snob.

 
 

Paint your Das Boot.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Once again, they fit the narrative to the propaganda points to be scored.

And their generally twisted mindsets. Some of them actually do believe what they say, which is scary.

 
 

Hair Today, Baleen Tomorrow

 
 

Louis L’Amour’s Lonely On The Mountain?

Zane Grey’s Riders of the Purple Nurple?

How about H.G. Wells: “The Island of Doc Holliday?”

 
 

Shaving Neptune’s Privates

 
The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge
 

actor212 said,
May 13, 2010 at 22:29

[snip]

Which, of course, makes the story dangerous to our national security and Brad Thor and Jawa both traitors.

1: Right-wing treason goes way back. Wasn’t it the Chicago Tribune that tipped off the Japanese that they were setting their depth charges too shallow?

B: “Brad Thor?” Why not “Bolt Upright” or “Dash Riprock” while we’re at it?

III: Maybe Josh St. Lawrence should go looking for Mullah Omar instead of Sasquatch.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Right-wing treason

Don’t be RIDICULOUS! There’s no such thing!

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Will the meteors please hit us already?

Also, “Penny Nance” is TERRIFYING. Who the fuck did her facelift? I’m going to have nightmares tonight.

 
 

Lonesome Dive?

 
 

“Hello, Mullah. Intifada: Ronald Reagan Bombed Grenada.”

Also, Dead-Eye Dick and the Undersea Coliseum. Soon to be a Republic serial.

 
 

Ah, a classic win-win. Since there’s no word on this “capture,” they can claim Obsama’s administration is holding back TEH TRUTH! from the people.

Now where have I heard this line of “reasoning” before?

 
 

Chief Editor Korir will release the tapes to Breitbart as soon as he finishes up on the whitey tapes.

 
 

Frankly, I find John Mikl Thor to be a far more trustworthy source than this guy.

 
 

“Hondo and Nemo: Who’s Fiddling Now?”

 
 

I just got an email from a super secret forces agent who goes to a lot of Mos Eisley cantina type places and overhears the secret terrorist meetings there. Anyway, it turns out that Barack Obama’s State Department sold out a small town in Iowa to the transgender Mexicans and used the money to pay a radical environmentalist muslim black separatist militia to set of a nuclear abortion bomb in Las Vegas. They would have gotten away with it too, except my tough friend who doesn’t follow the rules stopped the terrorists just in time, so now it’s a big cover-up.

Want proof? If there isn’t a coverup, why isn’t a story this big all over the New York Times? Barack Obama STILL doesn’t pass the spellchecker – coincidence?

 
Xecky Gilchrist
 

“Hello, Mullah. Intifada: Ronald Reagan Bombed Grenada.”

Genius.

 
 

some pretty unenthusiastic denials

That’s what is known in teh intarnons as a facepalm.

 
 

“Hello, Mullah. Intifada: Ronald Reagan Bombed Grenada.”

Unadulterated Win.

Martini?

 
 

some pretty unenthusiastic denials

That’s what is known in teh intarnons as a facepalm.

Where I come from, that’s known as a date with DKW’s mom.

 
The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge
 

The last thread seems to be moribund so:

Re the Sasquatch Festival—meh. Being born and raised in Western Washington, Eastern Washington is Mordor. I’d like to point out, however: The Sky River Rock Festival and Lighter than Air Fair. Then Woodstock came along and TOOK AHR J0BBZZZZ!!!!!!!

 
 

it turns out that Barack Obama’s State Department sold out a small town in Iowa to the transgender Mexicans and used the money to pay a radical environmentalist muslim black separatist militia to set of a nuclear abortion bomb in Las Vegas

“A movie that can only be described as Ladyboy Sings The Blues meets Fetus Don’t Fail Me Now. ★ ★ ★ ★! says Variety

 
 

The liberal media continue to ignore the reporting I have established when I talked to a source high up that Osama bin Laden has been captured by Michael Bay and has been forced to help scripting.

 
 

Originally an abolitionist broadsheet, The Nation has evolved into the most radical leftist publication in the U.S.

My word! Almost as if the old abolitionist movement was one of the many things that eventually evolved into modern liberalism.

 
 

Osama bin Laden has been captured by Michael Bay and has been forced to help scripting.
Sadly, no.

If Osama Bin Laden were writing scripts for Micheal Bay, there is no way Transformers 2 would have sucked as bad as it did.

 
 

Right-wing treason goes way back.

Indeed it does. Back in France, we’re quite familiar with it – see Philippe Petain, the WW1 hero who led us through four years of Nazi occupation and was enthusiastically supported by right wingers who just wanted the liberals, the socialists and the un-French minorities put back in their place, and didn’t care if they had to sell their country to Hitler to accomplish that.

If I were British, I could also mention that Neville Chamberlain was a proud Conservative (“appeasement” = “treason,” remember).

If I were American – oh, wait. I am. Let’s remember, my fellow Americans, that the Republican Party was the bulk of the isolationist movement in World War Two, mostly because the existence of the Nazi threat didn’t jive with their narrative of communism being The Real Threat and fascism being just a patriotic attempt to protect Western Values from Godless Commies.

 
 

no way Transformers 2 would have sucked as bad as it did.

Besides, whatsername wouldn’tve been crawling all over that motorsickle like that.

Er, excuse me a sec.

 
 

“nuclear abortion bomb”

Hope u guys will all come out to see my new band play.

 
 

If Osama Bin Laden were writing scripts for Micheal Bay, there is no way Transformers 2 would have sucked as bad as it did.

For Transformers 3 I’ve heard Megan Fox is super hot in a burqa.

 
The Goddamn Batman Knows The True Fate Of Philip K. Dick, And The Form That He Currently Occupies
 

See, B. Thor’s mistake is that he has “SF” sources which he assumed were Special Forces, but are actually science fiction. Those sources include Jerry Doyle, Gary Graham, Adam Baldwin, and Milla Jovovich (do your own NSFW GIS), who is actually pretty cool but, face it, fanboy, if you’re within earshot of Milla you’re probably not paying that much attention to what she’s actually saying.

Scahill’s SF sources, on the other hand, are Arkady Darell, Charles Stross, and Spock (both versions).

 
 

Chris, yer scaring me and bumming me out.

 
 

Megan Fox is super hot in a burqa.

If anyone could work a burqa, she could.

 
 

Chris was the one who lost China.

 
 

Also, new album coming from the Right Wing Traitors: Work a Burqa. It’s a new-agey, punk-rocky, shoe-gazy opera. Hope you like it!

 
 

Chris, yer scaring me and bumming me out.

Beg pardon, my friend.

 
Her name was Monona...
 

No, they captured Mullah Nomar. He was named the backwards of his daddy Ramon Hallum.

 
 

“Chris said,
May 14, 2010 at 1:03

Chris, yer scaring me and bumming me out.

Beg pardon, my friend.”

Actually in all seriousness I am enjoying the history lesson as American & European history is hardly in my wheelhouse. But still…bummed.

 
 

“Whale Chowder said,
May 14, 2010 at 1:02

Also, new album coming from the Right Wing Traitors: Work a Burqa. It’s a new-agey, punk-rocky, shoe-gazy opera. Hope you like it!”

What are their influences?

 
 

What are their influences?

Beck, Limbaugh, Pats Boone and Buchanan.
~

 
 

Indeed it does. Back in France, we’re quite familiar with it – see Philippe Petain, the WW1 hero who led us through four years of Nazi occupation and was enthusiastically supported by right wingers who just wanted the liberals, the socialists and the un-French minorities put back in their place, and didn’t care if they had to sell their country to Hitler to accomplish that.

Oh god–Tories in the revolution, slavery defenders, southern sympathizers, the stalwart sentinels against such unamerican things as suffrage, civil rights for everyone else, and finally teh s00per scary ghey threat to truth, justice and the American Way®.

Their deravity and conspicuous contempt for those who weren’t born white, rich and of the correct religion (which, apparently, is now a race), is beyond comprehension for any American who has actually read and understood the work of the founding fathers. Or the accounts of the life of Jesus, for that matter.

 
 

Beck, Limbaugh, Pats Boone and Buchanan. … and Robertson.

 
 

If anyone could work a burqa, she could.

The thing is, you just have to take Bay’s word that she’s in there.

 
Lurking Canadian
 

I take it you’ve never read “Gladiator Claim-Jumpers of the Vasty Deep.” It’s a literary masterpiece.

Throw in some L33+ h@x0r action and you’ve got the plot of the next Charlie Stross novel.

 
Josh St Lawrence
 

Sorry, just got back from the gym. I’ll try to answer all of your questions from the previous thread and I apologize if I left anyone out.

1. As to whether or not gigantopithecus was a biped, the short answer is, no one knows for sure. The only fossils as yet discovered where of teeth and mandibles of this creature. Evolving a bipedal gait has its many advantages especially given the animals large size and mountainous habitat. It is probable that giganto was a bipedal ape. But until a complete fossilized specimen is unearthed we can only speculate. As to its supposed exitinction for 300,000 years, to answer that concern one need look no further than the coelacanth. The coelacanth was supposedly extinct for millions of years until one was discovered by South African fishermen in 1938.

2. The expedtion is going to be in the U.S. Pacific Northwest of Washington State. There are more Sasquatch sightings in the Pacific Northwest than in any region in North America and of those the majority of in Washington State. Am I 100 certain that Sasquatch is a gigantopithecus? No, but it seems more probable than any other candidate given the reported behavior of the Sasquatch which is more ape-like than man-like.

3. There is more evidence for the existence of the Sasquatch than there is for any other non-human hominid, and possibly more than any other cryptid.

 
 

just got back from the gym

Glutes workout, I assume.

 
 

David Horowitz’s News Real vs. Andrew Breitbart’s Big Government!

 
Josh St Lawrence
 

“Glutes workout, I assume.”

Lol. Refering to my earlier post on the Sasquatch buttocks, I take it?

No, actually today was a back day. Glutes will be part of my legs workout on Saturday.

 
 

3. There is more evidence for the existence of the Sasquatch than there is for any other non-human hominid, and possibly more than any other cryptid.

Do not taunt the Grapefruit Chupacabra, Josh St Lawrence.
~

 
 

You got it, Josh, and we love you for it.

 
Josh St Lawrence
 

Ah, the Chupacabra. A very interesting cryptid mind you. It most likely an aquatic species of primate, of a class called merbeings. Yes merbeings, as in mermaids and mermen. There is actually fairly strong evidence for their existence. The freshwater variety including the Chupacabra being much more aggressive towards humans than the placid saltwater variety. They are most likely an aquatic species of primate.

Glad you mentioned the Chupacabra thunder.

 
 

Wait a second — this is a Sasquatch thread now? I thought this was the thread for telling me that my drive-by “Hello, Mullah” comment above was “full of win.” I used to like this place when it was all about praising me, but it’s really gone downhill in the last couple of hours.

 
Xecky Gilchrist
 

Refering to my earlier post on the Sasquatch buttocks, I take it?

Not a day goes by without it happening. It was a huge hit, and rightly!

 
 

Their deravity and conspicuous contempt for those who weren’t born white, rich and of the correct religion (which, apparently, is now a race), is beyond comprehension for any American who has actually read and understood the work of the founding fathers. Or the accounts of the life of Jesus, for that matter.

To be fair, the founding fathers didn’t care much about poor people or people who weren’t white either.

Jesus did, but that doesn’t matter much when religion is just a binary system for you, a way of saying “I’m better than these people because I’m part of this group over here and not these people over there.” Never had much patience with that kind of religion, which is why today’s religious scene doesn’t appeal to me at all.

 
 

just got back from the gym

Glutes workout, I assume

**british accent**

Cheeky bastard!

 
 

To be fair, the founding fathers didn’t care much about poor people or people who weren’t white either.

True, but they did look far enough ahead (IMHO) to leave the language such that justification for the Emancipation Proclamation, The Civil Rights Act, Voter Rights Act could all be backed by the Constitution. I’d like to think that wasn’t a serendipitous accident. I think by most historical accounts, Southern states needed to be won over, with the thought that eventually the true intent of equality would become the law of the land. But you’re right, they were still all about the propertied whites, which was the prevailing paradigm at the time.

It’s a bit unsettling to realize that we are a very short historical time from that period. I try to remind myself of that when I dream about exterminating the racists.

 
 

Queries:

Are mermen hot?

Do they have wangs?

 
 

“May 14, 2010 at 1:26

Beck, Limbaugh, Pats Boone and Buchanan. … and Robertson.”

Soooooo NOT The Who?

 
 

Soooooo NOT The Who?

The who?

Is this like that Abercrombie and Fitch routine in the old black-and-white movie?

 
 

HP,

Hello Mullah is indeed brilliant. And your sauce is pretty darn good too.

 
 

SCREED UCKS!!¡¡!11!mysacrifice!!!

 
 

True, but they did look far enough ahead (IMHO) to leave the language such that justification for the Emancipation Proclamation, The Civil Rights Act, Voter Rights Act could all be backed by the Constitution. I’d like to think that wasn’t a serendipitous accident. I think by most historical accounts, Southern states needed to be won over, with the thought that eventually the true intent of equality would become the law of the land. But you’re right, they were still all about the propertied whites, which was the prevailing paradigm at the time.

Interesting. I hadn’t thought about it that way, but you’re right, and for that matter the welfare state can be traced back to the Constitution also (“promote the general welfare” being one of the government’s obligations).

On that same topic, you might be interested in this if you haven’t read it already (http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/index.asp?documentprint=76, paragraphs 9 and 10) by Confederate Vice-President Alexander Stephens. He seems to share your view of the Founding Fathers; he criticizes them for thinking of slavery as a temporary evil that would eventually go away, rather than a good that was worthy of being preserved forever. (The speech goes a long way towards debunking the Southern fairy tale according to which their ancestors were all about states’ rights and slavery had nothing to do with anything).

I suppose I’ve gotten a lot more jaded about America in the last couple of years, but point to you on the Founding Fathers, I wasn’t being quite fair to them.

 
 

I dunno Josh. A large enough population of three metre tall bipeds to be genetically stable – wouldn’t you have expected more convincing evidence than anectdotal sightings at this point, especially in as developed an area as Washington? (I mean relative to a more sparsely populated region like Bhutan for example)

 
 

Erm…I’m a little askeert to click.

 
 

Wait – is Google saying that Ethel Merman had a wang?

Uh… brb – (totes hetero-normy of course)

 
 


Substance McGravitas said,

May 14, 2010 at 2:20

The “merman wang” search is disturbing.

I thought you were going here.
~

 
Josh St Lawrence
 

Washington State is not as developed as you might think. It has millions of acres of forested wilderness much of which remains unexplored to this day. Sasquatch are a rare and possibly endangered species and highly intelligent like all of the great apes. Far more intelligent than any of the North American fauna currently recongized by science.

It has been estimated that the entire Sasquatch popualtion of North America numbers between 2000 and 6000 individuals. Large enough for a viable breeding population, but not so large that they would be so easily “discovered” considering their high intelligence and the dense forests and mountains which are their habitat.

For more info go to http://www.bfro.net

 
 

His website is a real annoying piece of shit, I can’t stop the elevator rock music that causes bleeding in the brain….. As for his books, I don’t even need to look inside them to know that he is a poor mans Tom Clancy, although he is obviously as far away from the Airport bookshops as I am. Bet he cry’s himself to sleep every time he goes through the airport and sees all the Clancy. Ludlum, and all the other shoot ’em up, evil teerurists, SAS books that seem to be up and center and his ‘Path of the Assassin’ (srsly) aint there.

[on the subject of airport books, wtf is it about those freakonomic books. I never see them anywhere else, but there always for sale at airports, everywhere in the world…]

 
 

Chupacabra thunder.

Maybe he should adjust his diet.

 
Josh St Lawrence
 

For more specific information as to why no one has found any Sasquatch remains.

http://www.bfro.net/gdb/show_FAQ.asp?id=409

 
 

Mermaid Pron. is equally disturbing…

 
 

… and is bitterly overinvolved in the HO-gauge model railroading community.

Fixxed for greatest accuracy of my father … who was once president of the National Model Railroad Association.

Aaaaannnnnnyway, I went for the mangoes and still have no clue as to the nature of Ross’ defense of Mr. Brad “My Books Are Like” Thor(izine).

None at all.

Hope the guy ain’t a lawyer.

 
 

oh jesus, I’m sorry, from one of the above links…:

Tram Pararam likes to draw mixed cartoon porn pictures. Today i put cartoon sex picture with porn Ariel and porn Spongebob. It’s unreal cartoon porn fantasy of Tram Pararam. But we love him for it.
Nude spongebob fucks innocent mermaid in asshole. Underwater gives a chance to dirty Spongebob to fuck mermaid. He hauls up to her ass and fucks, fucks and fucks her! Great artwork, Tram Pararam. I like it very much! Thanks you!

Spongbob pron, its the sign of the endtimes…

 
 

Spongbob pron, its the sign of the endtimes…

The power of Rule 34.

 
 

Oh, this whole “Thor Loser” thing is heating up. His Thorness now reports that Ollie North confirms that “Mullah Can’t be No Fullah” Omar has been captured by Pakistani forces.

Game ovah.

 
 

Today i put cartoon sex picture with porn Ariel and porn Spongebob.

And where does it end?

Tomorrow: Rush Limbaugh and Speed Racer, with Chim Chim in assisting.
~

 
 

Frankly, I hope they’re right. That pesky Mullah is long overdue for Justice with a capitol J.

Plus, it would put to rest any and all questions about Obama’s War On Everything credentials, and all these rubes would finally shut the fuck up about him being some sort of rotten mooslum usurper.

Oh. Right. They’ll never stfu, will they. I mean, he is still heavier than a duck and therefore guilty, GUILTYYYYYYYY.

 
Xecky Gilchrist
 

Spongbob pron, its the sign of the endtimes…

The power of Rule 34.

Indeed, Spongebob pr0n means nothing more than that Spongebob exists.

But that in itself is a sign of the end times.

 
 

Also, too…

Obligatory “You think you’re Thor! I’m not going to be able to thit thtraight for a week!”

 
Spengler Dampniche
 

Holy shit, is somebody suggesting Sasquatch is teh realz? I saw a fat one with a red velour suit and a white beard once.

 
 

Mermaid Pron. is equally disturbing…

People have devoted an awful lot of thought to the ins and outs of mer-secks.

[NSFW–but amusing–illustration on the page.]

 
 

The Norse god Thor came down to earth in his human form to find a cute human girl for some entertainment. While hanging out at a bar, he realized that the only girl who was interested in him, although attractive, had a speech impediment. However, after a few drinks, thor decided to take her to a motel anyway, where he proceeded to give her the night of her life before slipping out the door when she fell asleep.
The next day, Thor felt bad for leaving her without even telling her who he was, so he went back to earth and knocked on her door.
“Who ith it?” she asked with a lisp.
“It’s me, the guy from last night. I just wanted to tell you that I’m Thor.”
“You think YOU’RE Thor?! I won’t be able to thit down for a week!”

 
InsaneInTheCheneyBrain
 

Who the fuck cares if they capture Mullah Omar? They’ll just puff up some new brown person to be the next enemy of the volk.

i.e. what kind of retarded manchild do you need to be to think this is such a huge deal? I guess we can all stop worrying about terrorism now that some blind asshole that has been amped into a boogeyman is in jail?

 
 

Holy shit, is somebody suggesting Sasquatch is teh realz? I saw a fat one with a red velour suit and a white beard once.

HAHAHAHA!!! NICE!

I live in Bigfoot country, we’re rather weary of all this Sasquatch biznass.

 
 

i.e. what kind of retarded manchild do you need to be to think this is such a huge deal? I guess we can all stop worrying about terrorism now that some blind asshole that has been amped into a boogeyman is in jail?

Sir or Madam; Why do you hate America? Wolverfuckingrines muthafucka!!!!111one!1

 
 

For more specific information as to why no one has found any Sasquatch remains.

http://www.bfro.net/gdb/show_FAQ.asp?id=409

Dude, Washington and Idaho are the deer hunting capital of the world. Somebody would have found something in the last 100 years of stomping through the woods, shootin’ shit.

 
 

Omar The Rainbow? Inna-Mullah-Da-Vida? The Party’s Omar?

Damn.

Did someone say rightwing treason?

That’s unpossible!

 
 

gocart mozart said,

May 14, 2010 at 4:13

Thanks. I’m too lazy to type it all out.

 
 

“Holy shit, is somebody suggesting Sasquatch is teh realz? I saw a fat one with a red velour suit and a white beard once.”

He is only third in command. Dime a dozen.

 
Marty Peretz's extremely untalented son.
 

I was totally a founding member of The Lemonheads!

 
 

You know who ELSE is big and hairy and hiding out in a remote mountainous area?

 
 

Dude, Washington and Idaho are the deer hunting capital of the world. Somebody would have found something in the last 100 years of stomping through the woods, shootin’ shit.

Unless the witnesses are being devoured by packs of ravening jackalopes.

 
 

“You know who ELSE is big and hairy and hiding out in a remote mountainous area?”

Overweight, unshaven Hitler?

 
 

“…Jerkki Fäppalawänkkala, the Finnish author of right-wing cowboy, U-boat, and gladiator novels.”

You know, Amazon would give up first pages/excerpts of any of the above. Surely the SadlyNo crew could do no less, correct? Well?

 
 

You know who ELSE is big and hairy and hiding out in a remote mountainous area?

OH OH I know I know!!!

The guy who’s “roommate” was a bear

 
 

See what you get when you try to get a blow job from a Jewish girl.

The Mullah Omar / Republican / Clenis impeachment conspiracy.

http://story.irishsun.com/index.php/ct/9/cid/45d771c7290844e9/id/554010/cs/1/

 
 

See what you get when you try to get a blow job from a Jewish girl.

The Mullah Omar / Republican / Clenis impeachment conspiracy.

http://story.irishsun.com/index.php/ct/9/cid/45d771c7290844e9/id/554010/cs/1/

Well, looky here. Turns out it was Clinton’s fault all along. I’m bout to do my happy jig–the one I do when I spot a dead ‘possum!

 
 

If Scahill has special forces sources
No one can talk to a horse, of course

The Big Mullah

 
 

North’s report, while still anonymous, is much better sourced than the initial one by novelist Brad Thor, if only because North has a well-known military background and notes that he received his information straight from the source while in Afghanistan:

Beaches! How darest thou doubt Oliver of the North?
~

 
 

Sasquatch, Schmatchquatch.

Someone needs to look into finding the elusive Brontësaurus!

 
 

among its more notable moments was the publication in 1966 of the Cloward-Piven strategy for social destabilization.

I’ve been socially destabilized since 1966. Now I know why.

 
 

Paragraphs Я Us:

Dr. Wesley Smith, Superintendent of California’s Morgan Hill Unified School District and ‘self-proclaimed expert’ gave a petulant and incoherent performance on behalf of his administration and School Board for the now infamous anti-American Flag discrimination against Live Oak High School students by their Principal Nick Boden and his Assistant Principal Miguel Rodriguez on May 5th.

 
American Eagle
 

Ee-gor-Lar-gor

 
 

The discussion page for the “Cloward-Piven strategy” article is amusing; one or two wiki-wingnuts with article ownership issues (or maybe just one with a sockpuppet) trying to defend it from deletion while other exasperated editors keep asking for citations that don’t go straight to a wingnut site.

(And yes, one of them does invoke the “you libs can’t handle DA TROOF!!!” defense.)

 
 

A crypids thread with no mention of the Jackalope, Dahut, or Jersey Devil? For shaaaaame.

 
 

Yay, I’m a thread killer!

 
 

Texas State Republican Platform

http://www.1888932-2946.ws/TexasGOP/E-ContentStrategy/userfiles/FINAL_2008_PLATFORM.pdf

Remedies to Activist Judiciary – We call Congress and the President to use their constitutional powers to restrain activist judges. We urge
Congress to adopt the Judicial Conduct Act of 2005 and remove judges who abuse their authority. Further, we urge Congress to withhold Supreme Court jurisdiction in cases involving abortion, religious freedom, and the Bill of Rights.

Marriage and Divorce – We believe in the sanctity of marriage and that the integrity of this institution should be protected at all levels of government. We urge the Legislature to rescind no–fault divorce laws. We support Covenant Marriage.

Marriage Licenses – We support legislation that would make it a felony to issue a marriage license to a same-sex couple and for any civil official to perform a marriage ceremony for such.

. . . We are opposed to any granting of special legal entitlements, refuse to recognize, or grant special privileges including, but not limited to: marriage between persons of the same sex (regardless of state of origin), custody of children by homosexuals, homosexual partner insurance or retirement benefits.

 
 

“You know who ELSE is big and hairy and hiding out in a remote mountainous area DKWs mom?”

Had to be said.

See what you get when you try to get a blow job from a Jewish girl.

Crows feet?

*Pleeeeeeeeease?????*

 
 

Texas State Republican Platform

It’s somehow comforting that Texas might still be crazier than Maine.

Also, re: Maine teabaggers, keeping it classy.

 
 

We get commercials for books all the time on our morning local news.

Geek alert: a trailer for a book: http://www.nealstephenson.com/anathem/videos.htm

The book is great. The trailer, not so much. But still — I think a film version of the book could be great.

 
 

You can’t just make a story about whatever you want to make it about and then say the reporter “buried the lede.”

Now you’ve put every right-wing media critic out of work. In the middle of the largest recession in decades. I hope you can live with yourself. 😉

 
 

with respect to he disney pron and the whole Rule 34 stuff, I am aware that it is there, but I try and pretend that it isn’t. I personnel think it is a sad indictment of our species that sentient people draw Little Mermaid and Family Guy pron….

as for Big Hollywood, Big Government, Big Moaning Whiners, what a bunch of gurning dicks, I mean, really, they pretend to be all hard and everything, but its just bitch, bitch, bitch.I’ve heard 14 year old girls gossiping that make more sense. They are a bunch of little wimps that need a good old fashioned slapping

 
 

PENIS penguins

 
 

Back in the dot-com age, I knew a guy who had a thing about The Little Mermaid. The mermaid herself, I mean. He had a serious THING about her, personally. I don’t want to have to draw you a picture, but growing gills, going underwater and pounding her ass raw was the first mini-episode in a terrifyingly well-developed fantasy sequence. Some people can’t keep this stuff to themselves, as you all know.

Dude had an Ariel pillowcase. I saw it once. I spent the next week wondering what would happen if you hit it with an axe handle — shatter into fragments? puff out clouds of white dust? fold inward like a quarter-panel struck by a bumper? I eventually concluded that people who wanted to sexually violate cartoon characters should be rounded up on a regular basis and shipped to leper colonies, and I’ve never seen evidence to change my mind.

 
 

lobbey said,
I personnel think it is a sad indictment of our species that sentient people draw Little Mermaid and Family Guy pron….
as for Big Hollywood, Big Government, Big Moaning Whiners, what a bunch of gurning dicks

Let’s face it, there is fuck-all difference between these two alternative ways of traducing components of popular culture and reading meanings into them that their creators never intended.

 
 

“You know who ELSE is big and hairy and hiding out in a remote mountainous area?”
Some of us happen to think that we deserve A RIGHT TO PRIVACY.

 
 

And the left’s gut reaction upon hearing of it–to laugh it off as a Scooby-Doo comic mystery–does nothing to blunt its appeal or limit its impact. In order to respond, alas, we have to understand, and that means going through the looking glass.

Meowtf? What fucking impact? Has the nation been brought to a standstill by legions of pasty teabaggers waving signs reading “Down With Cloven Pie-ward”?

No? Then why go through all that crrrap?

Further, the author never even lays out what it is that he has gained by dissecting these paranoid delusions, and of course he gives no suggestions on how to actually, y’know, respond.

iTetas de Jesus Chingando, just point and laugh! Anything else is giving them too much credit.

 
The Paranoid Style in American Politics
 

Not actually written as a How-To book.

 
 

Lonesome Dive?

Full of teh win.

 
 

The only fossils as yet discovered where of teeth and mandibles of this creature.

Yes, which all pointed toward ape, not hominid. The jawbone of a great ape is very different from the jawbone of any recorded homind.

 
 

Sheriff SpongeBob Tales’ of the Forum Sands

 
 

76. LittlePig said,
May 14, 2010 at 0:04
it turns out that Barack Obama’s State Department sold out a small town in Iowa to the transgender Mexicans and used the money to pay a radical environmentalist muslim black separatist militia to set off a nuclear abortion bomb in Las Vegas

“A movie that can only be described as Ladyboy Sings the Blues meets Fetus Don’t Fail Me Now. ? ? ? ?! says Variety“
________________________________________________________
My coworkers just asked, what the HELL are you laughing at?
You guys are bad for my monitor, green tea everywhere.

 
 

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