Jun
27

You’ve Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me




Posted at 21:21 by HTML Mencken

Here’s a Media Matters item on James Pinkerton’s contribution to the Dolchstosslegende.

Right, I know; bad enough, but also fairly common nowadays. So that doesn’t really concern me. No, what I want to address is this shit:

PINKERTON: The second — the second frame is, the U.S. military needs to be carefully restrained with legal rules and procedures, and the ACLU [American Civil Liberties Union] needs — and the Miranda rights, all that stuff needs to be in there. And we need to have these prosecutions.

THOMAS: Exactly.

PINKERTON: What — and — but — but the correct frame, I believe, is — it’s a — it’s a minority view, but it’s correct, is — there’s a fellow named Gary Brecher, who writes a — an email column called “War Nerd” for a Russian magazine online. And he makes the point, “Look, this is a war. What do you expect? This is not a police action, this is not a humanitarian mission. This is a war, and you’re going to get Hadithas.”

[...]

Oh my fucking God. War Nerd is a cleverly-executed joke, a comedy routine, a parody of keyboard kommandos. Yet since War Nerd’s so over the top, the 82nd Chairborne take him for one of their own.

Gavin adds: Here’s a passage from War Nerd:

I’m a war nerd. A backseat sergeant. I know what I am. All I have to do is look down at the keyboard and there’s my hairy white gut slopping over it, and there’s crumbs between the keys from the fake homemade soft’n'chewy big cookies in the vending machine downstairs. I mean they made me pay for the last keyboard because I spilled Diet Coke all over it. Diet Coke, the most fattening drink in the world. Every web pig in the world is swimming in it, farting off the side of the swivel chair, aroma-free carbonation farts, or at least you hope they are.

How would they know it’s fake?

59 Comments »

  1. MCH said,

    June 27, 2006 at 21:31

    Pinkerton stated: “I’d rather lose our civil liberties than lose the war.” Thomas responded: “Amen.”

    That’s all one needs to know about these lily-livered pieces of shit. Ben Franklin and the rest of the FFs would kick their asses over such sentiments and call them Tory shitstains. These days, we call them fascists.

    It’s more Opposite World, where making objectively unAmerican statements like the ones quoted above is somehow proof of one’s patriotism. Actually, it’s merely proof of fucktarditry. I could go on, but those two aren’t worth another femtosecond of my time.

  2. jerry said,

    June 27, 2006 at 21:44

    I’m waiting for the article to come up now, but is he talking to Clarence Thomas?

  3. Strange Forces said,

    June 27, 2006 at 21:46

    Lose our liberties rather than the war? Jesus, another such victory over the terrorists, and we are undone.

  4. Terry C said,

    June 27, 2006 at 21:48

    “where making objectively unAmerican statements like the ones quoted above is somehow proof of one’s patriotism.”

    Anti-war isn’t anti-American………….or unpatriotic.

  5. Sven said,

    June 27, 2006 at 21:48

    I don’t think I’ll ever love life as much as when Victor Davis Hanson accused the War Nerd of setting fire to his vineyard.

    From Wikipedia: The image representing Brecher at the top of each War Nerd column is that of Roger Edvardsen of the Norwegian rhythm & blues band Ehem

  6. jerry said,

    June 27, 2006 at 21:49

    My mistake, it was Cal Thomas.

  7. konopelli/WGG said,

    June 27, 2006 at 21:52

    It’s too bad these fucknozzles have already pre-empted the rhetoric of treason, so that any attempt to call attention to their treachery and betrayal of both the Constitution and the vcery spirit of democracy is already cast as “i know you are but what am i”, or som such other bullying taunt

    i mean, i know they do it for purely defensive reasons: to avoid its far mora apt and accurate application to themselves.

    unfortunately, the only rhetorical strategy which reproves them is profanity/obscenity…which i don’t mind, but the tender-eared get nervous.

    so i constrained not to point out that cal thomas is a traitor, but rather to geg: Cal Thomas, you shitwhistling asswipe, please go fuck yourself!
    and Mr Pickering? at shit and die, you fascist fucknozzle…

    thanks for your attention…

  8. Ottnott said,

    June 27, 2006 at 21:53

    “Lose our liberties rather than the war?’

    Ah, but that is the cleverness of the Bush G.W.O.T. Remember, “they hate us because we are free.” Once our freedoms are gone, no more hate. Once the hate is gone, no more terror. No more terror = we win!

    Now, what’s all this about a Pyrrhic victory?

  9. Doctor Biobrain said,

    June 27, 2006 at 21:55

    I’ve long since determined that it is entirely impossible to effectively parody these people. Because no matter how much you ham it up, you can always find handfuls of wingnuts that are far more absurd. The last time I tried it, I ended up with almost as many conservatives agreeing with me as liberals denouncing me. I had thought I had gone well beyond the boundaries of the absurd; and yet Glenn Greenwald used me as an example of conservatives copying parodies, by quoting a wingnut who had mirrored what my parody did (except I said it better).

    Rightwingers are their own best parody. Anything else is a cheap imitation.

  10. susie said,

    June 27, 2006 at 21:55

    From the War Nerd linkie up above:

    Anyway, war-wise it’s been a pretty good year. Let’s start with the WTC. Technically that wasn’t an act of war, and also it happened last year, but you have to mention it because it was just so beautiful. Come on, be honest, it was beautiful.

    It was like a two-course dessert. First there was the towers falling down in slo-mo, over and over. Which was really, really beautiful. Don’t tell me you didn’t watch them fall about a million times in a row. That was the first time an office building ever got beautiful in the history of the world.

    And secondly it was like permission to work out on whoever did it. Total permission. Total complete permission to do anything you want to them, like a movie that starts with the hero getting his farm burnt down or somebody killing his family. You just lean back and relax with a little grin and inhale those Milk Duds, because now comes the good part, 90 straight minutes of revenge.

    Such a shame no one could ask if they agreed with War Nerd that 9-11 was like a two-course dessert.

  11. bartkid said,

    June 27, 2006 at 22:03

    >Pinkerton stated: “I’d rather lose our civil liberties than lose the war.� Thomas responded: “Amen.�

    Uh, can someone fill out the enlistment paperwork on these guys without their knowledge and ship ‘em off to boot camp?

    Thanks.

  12. tigrismus said,

    June 27, 2006 at 22:05

    Holy shit, “I’d rather lose our civil liberties than lose the war?” He’s willing that you and I should lose our rights as American citizens, the very rights for which the revolution was fought in the first place, so he can feel a teensy bit more secure? How generous he is to purchase his security with our rights! To paraphrase what someone said a day or so ago, sir, if you want to live in a society with no civil liberties, we invite you to move to one, but you and yours have NO right to remake THIS country into such by unConstitutional fiat.

  13. Raymondo Magnifico said,

    June 27, 2006 at 22:06

    How to be a conservative.
    Step one: remove sense of humor.

  14. jerry said,

    June 27, 2006 at 22:06

    From Wikipedia: The image representing Brecher at the top of each War Nerd column is that of Roger Edvardsen of the Norwegian rhythm & blues band Ehem

    Is that true? Because it is also Studman69 the Sharp Knees nerd from FARK

  15. b said,

    June 27, 2006 at 22:07

    Sadly, this is fucking hilarious. And sad, sadly.

  16. Mudge said,

    June 27, 2006 at 22:18

    The Importance of Being Earnest. And singleminded. The concept of both retaining civil liberties and winning the (so-called) war on terror requires juggling two concepts at once. Impossible. It is, as noted above, sad. Maybe some day there will be a smart pill and they’ll all be like George Will. Insufferable, but with a sense of humor and futility (he’s a Cubs fan).

  17. jon said,

    June 27, 2006 at 22:20

    Pinkerton also said, later on: “I’d rather lose my civil rights than lose the war”.

  18. King Spirula said,

    June 27, 2006 at 22:35

    Shorter Pinkerton: I’m a blustering cowardly cunt.
    Shorter Thomas: Me too.

  19. dr. bloor said,

    June 27, 2006 at 22:40

    Next thing you know, that lot will be taking Stephen Colbert seriously. No, wait…

  20. frob said,

    June 27, 2006 at 22:49

    War nerd may be humorous and all, but he really knows his stuff. Check out his column on France and all the France-bashers.

  21. Zachary Drake said,

    June 27, 2006 at 22:53

    If Bush/war/torture supporters are quoting War Nerd to bolster their position, they should know that:

    1. War Nerd is a sick fuck who enjoys the suffering of people, particularly Americans when they get beat byt people with inferior technology. Or maybe he doesn’t enjoy the suffering of others, but he doesn’t let their suffering inhibit his enjoyment of war and destruction.

    2. Nobody has heaped more scorn,contempt, and ridicule on the Bush administration’s conduct of the Iraq war than War Nerd:

    If it was up to me, I’d charge Cheney, Rumsfeld and Feith with treason for sending troops into Indian Country with no intelligence, so our patrols end up cruising the shit-stinking alleys of Iraq like ducks in a shooting gallery, letting the locals pick their time to join those wires and detonate the old artillery shell they buried at the intersection last night.

    3. War Nerd actually asserts that torture and human rights violations, all the stuff that the ACLU and Amnesty and others are concerned about, anger Iraqis even more than killing does:

    So why do Iraqis care more about shame than death? It comes down to demographics, population profiles. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: war is just demographics in a hurry. And Iraq is a young country, not afraid of death. 40% of the Iraqi population is 14 or younger; only 3% is over 65. That’s why the Iraqis went crazy at those Abu Ghraib pictures but just shrugged when the news crews stuck microphones in their faces and tried to get them riled about this massacre story.

  22. Realist said,

    June 27, 2006 at 22:54

    I’d rather lose Pinkerton, Thomas, their entire inbred families and everyone who agrees with them rather than give up one iota of my civil rights.

  23. Mal de mer said,

    June 27, 2006 at 23:02

    Pinkerton also said, later on: “I’d rather lose my civil rights than lose the war�.

    Shouldn’t that be arranged? Deprive Pinkerton of all his civil rights and voilà…the war, she is won.

  24. Yasonyacky said,

    June 27, 2006 at 23:08

    Hey Zachary -

    War Nerd is a PARODY. Not a more-rabid-than-you-thought-possible winger.

    That’s precisely why we’re making fun of wingers, because they couldn’t figure this out.

    Dude, c’mon. You’re making us look bad.

  25. 4jkb4ia said,

    June 27, 2006 at 23:10

    LOL

  26. mark said,

    June 27, 2006 at 23:21

    Pinky has an email address!

    pinkerton@newamerica.net

  27. joe cantwell said,

    June 27, 2006 at 23:28

    no surprise to me. these are the same guys who haven’t figured out yet that stephen colbert isn’t really a conservative.

  28. DAS said,

    June 27, 2006 at 23:28

    Ben Franklin and the rest of the FFs would kick their asses over such sentiments and call them Tory shitstains. These days, we call them fascists. – MCH

    Sometimes I wish we would return from our current debased discourse to the much higher standards of political discourse held during the days of our FFs: a good 18th century expression like “tory shitstain” is, for example, far more descriptive than our pale 20/21st century approbations like “fascist”.

  29. jpj said,

    June 27, 2006 at 23:40

    Confusing right-wing parody for right-wing reality reminds me of the Doonesbury comic from the late 1980s when Duke is the captain of Donald Trump’s yacht. A fat, balding Elvis is brought aboard who turns out to be the real King. Duke books him for a concert on the yacht. When Elvis comes onstage he announces he only sings John Denver songs now. As he breaks into a stirring rendition of “Rocky Mountain High,” Duke turns to Honey and says, “See, this is why I got off drugs. Who can tell the difference anymore?”

  30. c4logic said,

    June 27, 2006 at 23:49

    Who are the REAL enemies of the USA? They masquerade as AUTHORITY, while they gradually erode your sense of community, your conscience, and finally, all proportion and reason. In the end you will attack whoever they ask you to, without the slightest challenge. All Al Qaeda had to do was wind them up and unleash them. Your real enemies are your own great, dear, leaders, taking you step by step down the pathway to MADNESS.

  31. tg said,

    June 27, 2006 at 23:52

    So when Atrios links here with the text “Save us from these idiots,” he is talking about Pinkerton and Thomas, right?

  32. Retardo Montalban said,

    June 27, 2006 at 23:54

    What?! Is he??

  33. Gentlewoman said,

    June 28, 2006 at 0:16

    These people are insane. I agree, it is no longer possible to parody them. You guys will just have to give up, right? Sadly, No!

    Seriously, it’s hard to believe that this moron went on nationwide television (Ok, it’s Fox, but still) and used a parody site as evidence. Should we tell him? Or is it OK to enjoy it a bit more?

    I say we don’t tell him. At least, not yet. He deserves it, for that fucking crack about civil rights.

  34. war nerd reader said,

    June 28, 2006 at 0:25

    I find War Nerd very readable over at exile.ru.

    Gary Brecher can have some wierd views, but he’s definitely against the Iraq war. Has called for criminal proceedings against the Bush perps.

  35. MYOB said,

    June 28, 2006 at 0:30

    What disturbed me the most was the point he makes at the end and the way it was celebrated by those around him, that Pinkerton honestly would prefer to live secure than live free? Take away our civil liberties than lose the war? In light of what kind of war we are fighting, if the U.S. government were to declare the U.S. losers of this war and came home, what would happen to the country? Would Iraqi insurgents, AQ terrorists, and perhaps others suddenly demand access to the country as the victors and start making us change our laws to satsify them? What the hell is this man talking about?????
    He would honestly sacrifice our rights to free speech, freedom of the press, right to bear arms, freedom to assemble and protest, of religion, the right to vote, all of it, just so he can win the war?
    Is that what the mentality is on the right now? About winning and if we should lose our souls in the process, then soul be damned?

    I know David Neiwert likes to talk about eliminationist rhetoric coming almost exclusively from the rightwing, but honestly, is such a person as Pinkerton a serious risk, a serious threat to our freedoms even more so than Osama?
    Exactly why were we fighting this war in the first place if people here at home like Pinkerton have goals and ambitions that are more anti-freedom than the likes of Al Qaeda?

    MYOB’
    .

  36. Mal de mer said,

    June 28, 2006 at 0:59

    The real joke is that Pinkerton and the rest think the war with Iraq is about security. Uh, no…it isn’t. It’s about oil.

  37. tigrismus said,

    June 28, 2006 at 1:10

    He would honestly sacrifice our rights to free speech, freedom of the press, right to bear arms, freedom to assemble and protest, of religion, the right to vote, all of it, just so he can win the war

    But they never mean the right to bear arms, do they, these guys? As if the dictatorship they would build to keep them safe would let them keep weapons. Of course, in truth they’re not really all that willing to lose their own rights, they just want those of us who disagree to lose ours: they will surely always have the right to speak their support, assemble to cheer their Commander, print their diatribes against our treason, worship the God of the Christian Right, etc., right?

  38. False Prophet said,

    June 28, 2006 at 1:30

    Real or no, War Nerd does know his stuff. A lot of his columns come across as racist or extreme, but they’re so over-the-top in a South Park/Boondocks way you can’t help but laugh. He’s also inconsistent : in an early column he dismissed the tension between India and Pakistan as a “fag war” but in a more recent one, praised the fighting in the Kargil as virile Indian nation-building. Heck, I’m of Italian background, and I still laughed my ass off reading his column on Columbia where he claimed Italians are “[m]ean fuckers on the street, in the alley, but put one in a uniform and he can’t wait to throw away his rifle and find a nice cozy cellar to hide out in.”

    You can’t really hate a guy who called Ronald Reagan “the wimpiest hawk that ever flew” and referred to Woodrow Wilson as “Jimmy Carter with testicles.”

  39. EJ said,

    June 28, 2006 at 1:40

    The War Nerd’s larger point is that occupying a country against a determined insurgency almost always turns into a bloody tragedy. From his column on Victor Davis Hanson:

    “And all that ancient Greek stuff won’t help Hanson deal with urban guerrilla war, because there was nothing like it in the ancient world. In those days conquerors wiped out cities the second they showed any sign of uppity behavior. Urban guerrilla wars were pretty quick and pretty unsuccessful: rise up against the occupier, and literally every man, woman and child gets slaughtered, and the offending city covered in salt. End of story…

    …Trouble is, that kind of genocide just isn’t popular these days, and nobody, not even Professor Hanson, is ready to argue for it. It’s hard to argue you want to bring democracy to the Sunnis by making them extinct. And what Hanson and morons like him won’t admit is that short of genocide, there is no military solution to urban guerrilla warfare.”

    http://www.exile.ru/2005-July-28/victor_hanson.html

  40. Retardo Montalban said,

    June 28, 2006 at 1:45

    No one here hates War Nerd; we think he’s hilarious. The point is that his is a schtick, a comedy schtick that is admittedly knowledgable with regard to historical fact but is also, obviously, depraved — all of which is part of the joke.

    War Nerd is a character. Think of him as the Tony Clifton of warbloggers. Now imagine if a music reviewer had seriously praised the “real” Tony Clifton’s *singing ability*. That about the right analog to what Pinkerton has done with War Nerd.

  41. Retardo Montalban said,

    June 28, 2006 at 1:48

    Yes, War Nerd is sometimes sensible in the same way that Tony Clifton sometimes ripped into a truly snotty and deserving heckler. It doesn’t take away from the fact that the general act is a joke.

  42. Vaughan said,

    June 28, 2006 at 3:07

    Great post, and catch about “War Nerd”. The photo looks an awful lot like the nerd character in the sit-com “The Office”. Clearly, this is rich parody. Check out the following text (From Montalbon’s link above):

    “The best war is when you can hate both sides, and that’s how it was with the WTC. I cheered those jets. I work in like a ten-story version of those towers, and I know for a fact that I’m not the only one who perks up every time a plane gets close to the building. Everybody cheers the planes now. Until those planes hit the WTC nobody dreamed you could knock down an American corporation building. Nobody ever thought one would come down. And when they did, damn! It was like the noche triste, when Aztecs made the Conquistadors bleed for the first time and said, “Hey these aren’t magic six-legged metal monsters, they’re just a bunch of victims like us!”"

  43. I.F. Thunder,Esq. (I'm not a lawyer, but I play one on the internets) said,

    June 28, 2006 at 3:25

    Retardo, surely you’re not insulting
    the General!!11!

    P.S.
    Jeff Goldstein

  44. Thers said,

    June 28, 2006 at 3:49

    Wait… Pinkerton isn’t a parody?

  45. Sadly, No! » Oh Yeah, Media Matters? Well, Have Some of This said,

    June 28, 2006 at 4:46

    [...] All right, Media Matters, I admit it. A clip and transcript of a wingnut who cites War Nerd, volunteers to give up everyone’s civil liberties, and accuses the press of stabbing us in the back, is pretty fucking impressive. It’s almost as good as your clip and transcript the other day of Bill O’Reilly’s most hilariously explosive batshittery since he shattered poor C-SPAN’s fragile mics with a bellowing “SHuuuuuuuut upp!” directed at a stunned Al Franken. So yeah, Media Matters: big props. [...]

  46. mikeg said,

    June 28, 2006 at 5:17

    War Nerd is John Dolan. Compare “Brecher”‘s and Dolan’s prose styles. They are identical. “Brecher” talks about war the same way Dolan talks about, say, “The Corrections”. Same person.

  47. telly said,

    June 28, 2006 at 6:25

    “I’d rather lose our civil liberties than lose the war.�

    Well, I’d like to know how giving up my civil liberties is going to win that utterly unwinnable war. Not that I’m willing to make that trade. And I am amazed that any true conservative would go along with it. But I guess these aren’t true anything– they’re inconsistent and incoherent.

    I think we ought to start a whispering campaign… “They’ve decided the 4th and 5th and 1st amendments are toilet paper. Know what’s next??? the Second Amendment! They’re going after our guns next! They’re going to tell us that if we have guns, we’re going to cause the US to lose the war!” Get the NRA all paranoid, and there goes the Repub base.

  48. Zachary Drake said,

    June 28, 2006 at 6:44

    Yes, I realize that War Nerd is an extreme caricature and a fictional personality. I should have put that in my post. I also think he makes a heck of a lot more sense than the extreme caricatures and real personalities that do run the war. Which is very scary.

  49. flawedplan said,

    June 28, 2006 at 10:06

    Cool, we’re agreed then; Tory shitstain it is.

  50. pbg said,

    June 28, 2006 at 12:26

    But, after all..Ann Coulter is a satirist!

  51. Mary said,

    June 28, 2006 at 14:51

    I e-mailed Mr. Pinkerton saying that since “War Nerd” is considered parody, he may want to refrain from using it in support of his arguments. Here is his reply:

    Dear Ms. ____________:

    Thanks for a thoughtful e.

    Please tell me how it is you know that “War Nerd” is a parody. I tend to think of him merely as a vivid writer, with a broad, even ghoulish, sense of humor. But whoever he is, he knows his stuff, and writes with intensity, as opposed to mere irony.

    At least that’s what I thought–and still think.

    Best,

    Jim Pinkerton

  52. Karatist Preacher said,

    June 28, 2006 at 16:05

    It’s easy to laugh at these douchebags but it’s really getting frustrating to hear them gladly give up everyone else’s civil liberties so they won’t wet themselves. Go hide under your beds and STFU.

  53. Bodhisattva said,

    June 28, 2006 at 17:05

    Are you guys sure that War Nerd is a parody? He seems like a bona fide paleocon.

  54. Pollen Boy said,

    June 28, 2006 at 19:45

    Do right-wingers want to lose civil rights? I doubt it. They just don’t care if those of a certain economic class do.

  55. DairyStateDad said,

    June 28, 2006 at 21:41

    This isn’t the first time Pinkerton has relayed “War Nerd’s” satire as trenchant wisdom about the conduct of War.

    See this:

    http://www.cosmiciguana.com/2005/11/fox_newsday_columnist_pinkerto_1.html

  56. Bodhisattva said,

    June 28, 2006 at 22:13

    I still fail to see the satire/parody.

  57. Herr Doktor Bimler said,

    June 28, 2006 at 22:27

    There are precedents. Wasn’t the “Protocols of the Elders of Zion” based largely on another author’s satire? It’s a while since I read Norman Cohn’s analysis, ‘Warrant for Genocide’, so feel free to correct me.

  58. Sadly, No! » Dolchstoss Chronicles said,

    February 14, 2007 at 15:20

    [...] say in the plainest way what Glenn Reynolds, Rush Limbaugh, Redstate.com White Trash, Mark Steyn, Jim Pinkerton, Patrick Bateman Stephen Green, Marie Jon’, Michael Barone, and, especially, Jeff Goldstein [...]

  59. Justine said,

    June 26, 2007 at 13:26

    QUOTE:
    “All I have to do is look down at the keyboard and there’s my hairy white gut slopping over it, and there’s crumbs between the keys from the fake homemade soft’n’chewy big cookies in the vending machine downstairs.”

    I almost choked on my diet coke as I read this. It reminds me so much of the guy in the cubicle opposite me right now!

Leave a Comment

  • Things of Interest

  • Meta Goodness

  • Clunkers

  • httpbl_stats()