15
There must be a Kaye, playing with my heart
Recipe: Sadly, No! Post
Serves: Unlimited servings
Ingredients:
- Computer with internet connection
- Bottle of wine
- Kaye Grogan
First, quote the opening of Kaye’s column, as she invariably starts off with some ludicrous claim bearing little relation to reality or proper English:
Most Americans would practically still be in the stone age era or having to rely on smoke signals for information, if news sites like WorldNet Daily, Newsmax, and the Drudge Report didn’t exist on the Internet.
Next, move on to Kaye’s second big metaphor, which is usually drawn from an early prototype of The Amazing Metaphor Machine® developed for Tom Friedman:
For years, the liberal news media controlled what newsworthy stories made it out into the public spectrum, and they shoved the rest of the news under their desks or balled the papers up and played basketball with the trash cans.
You can now move on to the part where Kaye makes her first attempt at developing an argument, which invariably takes you to the crossing of Overgeneralization Street and Non Sequitur Boulevard:
Of course, they [liberal news media members] wouldn’t know anything firsthand about what true heroes are made of, because they are too busy attempting to discredit and accuse our troops of being murderers. Never mind that there are around 3,000 innocent babies cut into pieces every day, and more than 17,000 murders in the United States annually. What kind of respect and quality of life is this barbaric practice?
If only liberal news media members stopped performing abortions and killing people. [Say, is Joe Scarborough still on TV?] Follow this by giving the impression that you’re quoting from an entirely different Kaye Grogan column even though you’re not:
Coulter could probably swallow a flaming torch, and it couldn’t match the heat she can generate with her stinging satiric verbal exchanges and written presentations in best-selling books.
Add a snarky remark, such as: We don’t know if it would match the heat, but we’d pay $24.95 to watch that!
Now prepare to have your feelings hurt, because Kaye has been watching you:
At least Ms. Coulter has the nerve to sign her name, and stand behind what she has to say about liberals, while many of the liberals hide behind anonymous nicknames to write savage, filthy remarks about Coulter and other conservatives, they don’t like or agree with on blog boards.
Drink. And then contemplate the consequences of your actions:
Little do they know, that their sadistic remarks only inspire and give people like Coulter even more determination to speak out.
D’oh!
The end is near (check that bottle of wine again if you don’t believe us,) so now’s not the time to get, distracted by, strange “punctuation”! Roll over Kaye Grogan:
Now it’s time for all of you liberal news media members to get on the bandwagon and report on the real news and cliffhangers, if you expect to stay up to par with your counterparts on the World Wide Web. The days of controlling and hiding the news is over.
If anyone needs us, we’ll be hiding the news on our blog board.
And that’s just our recipe!
Ginger Yellow said,
June 15, 2006 at 22:04
“Never mind that there are around 3,000 innocent babies cut into pieces every day, and more than 17,000 murders in the United States annually. ”
You couldn’t ask for a clearer indication that pro-lifers don’t really believe that abortion is baby killing. If 3000 innocent babies are really being cut to pieces every day, then aren’t there 1,100,000 murders annually?
Gavin M. said,
June 15, 2006 at 22:12
Plus, how do we know those babies are so innocent? Some might grow up to be journalists.
JiuNoon said,
June 15, 2006 at 22:15
So… our soldiers kill innocent women and children in Iraq because we perform abortions and murder people in the States?
I get the feeling that Kaye sees Ann Coulter as being Eminem in 8 Mile. Of COURSE she makes personal insults rather than debating issues – that’s how you make it in the industry and, hopefully, out of the trailer park on 8 Mile – but those evil Left Wingers keep trying to put her down. I’m torn on whether to follow up with a joke about how a scuffle between her and the MSM led to Tucker Carlson accidentally shooting himself or one about Ann having rough sex with some chick she hardly knows on the Fox News set but you get where I’m going.
Dreamweasel said,
June 15, 2006 at 22:21
“Little do they know, that their sadistic remarks only inspire and give people like Coulter even more determination to speak out.”
Whereas if those Angry, Nasty Liberals(TM) just kept their mouths shut, Coulter and her ilk would never be heard from again.
Damn you, liberals!
Gary Ruppert, said,
June 15, 2006 at 22:22
Most Americans would practically still be in the stone age era or having to rely on smoke signals for information, if news sites like WorldNet Daily, Newsmax, and the Drudge Report didn’t exist on the Internet.
Kaye is right. Before the Web we all got by perfectly well without the printing press. The fact is Gutenburg is a liberal myth invented to force good Christian Americans to read degenerate translations of the Bible like those found Motel 6s.
Dreamweasel said,
June 15, 2006 at 22:25
How do you explain all of those “Police Academy” movies, then?
LA Confidential Pantload said,
June 15, 2006 at 22:26
Rarely is the question asked, is our days of news controlling and hiding over yet?
TC said,
June 15, 2006 at 22:35
even worse, Gavin, some of those babies are statistically likely to be… Liberals!!!
Kathleen said,
June 15, 2006 at 22:40
you forgot the warnings for mercury and lead poisoning.
Timmah420 said,
June 15, 2006 at 22:55
Or even worse, evil abortion doctors, beginning the cycle of baby killing anew.
MCH said,
June 15, 2006 at 22:56
This post started out rather disturbingly:
Ingredients:
* Computer with internet connection
* Bottle of wine
* Kaye Grogan
If you had added “webcam”, I was gonna be sick.
Jeff Goldstein's Cock said,
June 15, 2006 at 22:57
Mmmmmm, Kaye Grogan. I’d like to be slapped upside her face.
JK47 said,
June 15, 2006 at 23:09
What kind of respect and quality of life is this barbaric practice?
What kind of fucking sentence is this?
Little do they know, that their sadistic remarks only inspire and give people like Coulter even more determination to speak out.
Did they have home schooling when Kaye was a little junior wingnut? That would explain a lot.
Kaye, here’s a tip. Next time you think you might need a comma in a sentence, just step back and take a deep breath. Ask yourself if the comma is really necessary. You can help stop comma abuse in our lifetimes.
BinkyBoy said,
June 15, 2006 at 23:22
Reading Kaye is much like stuffing scorpions into my briefs and dancing to the new group “Jeff Goldstein’s Cock”
Morbo said,
June 15, 2006 at 23:28
“On a scale of one to ten: the liberal news media is tipping the scales at ten —”
Ten on what scale, Kaye? Overused metaphors? Biased fantasy sterotypes?
Watch out for those unfinished metaphors! Some zany liberal is liable to fill in the blanks.
Gentlewoman (nyekulturny) said,
June 15, 2006 at 23:42
I don’t know how you can read this Grogan person. Doesn’t she have any family or friends who could perform an intervention? Because it’s beyond embarrassing. I think this is one of the worst byproducts of the current Reign of Wingnuttism: giving shelter and encouragement to the seriously deranged. Do other wingnuts link to her? Now THAT would be really cruel.
Jeff Goldstein's Cock said,
June 15, 2006 at 23:43
“dancing to the new group “Jeff Goldstein’s Cockâ€?”
Our first single hits the streets soon: be on the lookout for Slap You With My Man Meat b/w Klonopin Makes Me Shorter
khonsu said,
June 16, 2006 at 0:01
I think the hot blonde clinician who filled my birthcontrol prescription at Planned Parenthood yesterday should meet Kaye Grogan. I’d PAY to see that fight.
Coulter could probably swallow a flaming torch, and it couldn’t match the heat she can generate with her stinging satiric verbal exchanges and written presentations in best-selling books.
And here I thought she was just used militant, circular, genuninely meanspirited snark to get her point across. Stephen Colbert understands satire. Coulter…I don’t know what Coulter does.
Brad R. said,
June 16, 2006 at 0:04
God, the Editors is right. K-Gro really is the most significant right-wing columnist of her day. All the bizarre contradictions of right-wing pseudo-populism rolled into one crazy, grammar-challenged, leopard skin potato sack-wearing loon.
blogenfreude said,
June 16, 2006 at 0:05
She’s no Kaye Grogan, but I often mock one Clarice Feldman over at The American Thinker. For example, discussing Moussaoui and the French, she spit this out:
“Now that it is a life term, if they ever got ahold of him. they would release him after a few years, of course. It is hard to imagine trusting them this way.”
http://agitprop.typepad.com/agitprop/2006/05/wingnut_of_the_.html
mikey said,
June 16, 2006 at 0:19
Of course, they [liberal news media members] wouldn’t know anything firsthand about what true heroes are made of, because they are too busy attempting to discredit and accuse our troops of being murderers. Never mind that there are around 3,000 innocent babies cut into pieces every day, and more than 17,000 murders in the United States annually. What kind of respect and quality of life is this barbaric practice?
Our boys are heroes because of the 3000 abortions a day and 17,000 murders a year? Or, our boys are not murderers because of the abortions and murders? Or, no, waitaminute, the liberal media is attempting to discredit our troops because of the abortions and the…no. Ok, well, how about our boys are true heroes in SPITE of the respect and quality of life and…no. Hmm, I’m flummoxed. Thanks, Sadly, No, for pimpin my brain!!
mikey
blogenfreude said,
June 16, 2006 at 0:23
the stone age era …
Isn’t this like saying “advancing towards” or “Department of Redundancy Department”?
ortho_bob said,
June 16, 2006 at 0:26
You failed to mention her new typographic invention, the double plungers “–(” and “)–” used to denote an alternative opening clause. As she uses it:
I will have to say–(in the past few days)– it has been amusing to watch as the liberal news media members report news…
Only the very skilled gramatician should try this.
Reality said,
June 16, 2006 at 0:49
Coulter could probably swallow a flaming torch, and it couldn’t match the heat she can generate with her stinging satiric verbal exchanges and written presentations in best-selling books.
Hmm, I say we put that to a test. How about it Mann?
Reality said,
June 16, 2006 at 0:51
“Now that it is a life term, if they ever got ahold of him. they would release him after a few years, of course. It is hard to imagine trusting them this way.�
Haiku?
Now that it is a life term
if they ever got ahold of him
they would release him
after a few years
of course.
It is hard
to imagine trusting them this way
Sexy Sadie said,
June 16, 2006 at 1:05
Will someone please tell me who exactly comprises the “liberal news media” that Kaye and her ilk screech about?
fourlegsgood said,
June 16, 2006 at 1:20
I would rather decipher smoke signals than read Drudge.
But hey, that bit about Coulter swallowing fire sounds like a fine idea.
Thesaurus Rex said,
June 16, 2006 at 1:42
I would rather get raw eggs in my hair and a case of crabs from Matt Drudge than read him.
TC said,
June 16, 2006 at 2:20
I would rather see fire swallow Ann Coulter.
JK47 said,
June 16, 2006 at 2:45
Of course, they [liberal news media members] wouldn’t know anything firsthand about what true heroes are made of, because they are too busy attempting to discredit and accuse our troops of being murderers.
Well, accusing the troops of being murderers is a full-time job. There’s no way anybody could have time to accuse the troops of being murderers AND to have firsthand knowledge of what true heroes are made of.
Never mind that there are around 3,000 innocent babies cut into pieces every day, and more than 17,000 murders in the United States annually.
So, wait, um, our troops can’t be murderers because there are 17,000 murders in the U.S. every year. Or, um, the troops are murderers, but so what, since there are so many murders every year. Wait, that doesn’t seem right. Um, what she means is abortion is okay, because…. AAAAHHHHH!!!!! (head explodes)
What kind of respect and quality of life is this barbaric practice?
I can’t really answer this question. Mainly because I have no idea what the motherfuck she is talking about. This sentence is so poorly written it does not even need superfluous commas. You have to admire Kaye’s versatility.
Kobie said,
June 16, 2006 at 2:56
What kind of respect and quality of life is this barbaric practice?
As someone who edits news copy for a living, I have six words:
What. The. Fuck. Does. This. Mean.
His Grace said,
June 16, 2006 at 3:49
All I know is that I want something stronger than wine after reading parts of Kaye’s post. You sure you don’t need like 180 proof vodka to read it non-Sadly noed?
Dave Latchaw said,
June 16, 2006 at 4:02
Now it’s time for all of you liberal news media members to get on the bandwagon and report on the real news and cliffhangers, if you expect to stay up to par with your counterparts on the World Wide Web. The days of controlling and hiding the news is over.
Cliffhangers?
Days is over?
I.F.Thunder, Esq. said,
June 16, 2006 at 4:07
I had to go buy some more Whineâ„¢. WingNutzDaily ROXx0Rzzz!!!sevenil!!!eleveni!i!l
Marq said,
June 16, 2006 at 4:12
Oh, so it’s due in no small part to Sadly, No! that mAnn Coulter has a new book out? Damnit, guys, stop inspiring her! Plus, evidently, you’re also egging on “people like” mAnn. So, the situation s even worse than that. You’re leading directly to new books by Michelle Malkin and Debbie Schlussel! Gaaah!
I, of course, never say anything bad about these “lovely” “ladies” at all, so my conscience is completely clear*.
.
.
*[fingers crossed while typing one-handed]
larkspur said,
June 16, 2006 at 4:57
It helps a lot, assistively, to use the useful tools of the computer internets to computerishly interpret the Grogan, like if you grogle from Grogish to French to English:
The majority of the Americans would be in the era of age of stone or doivents practically always to count on smoke markers for information, if the sites of news like daily Internet network, Newsmax, and the report/ratio of tedious work did not exist on the Internet.
During years, the media of new liberals ordered what the interesting stories transformed to him outside into the public spectrum, and they pushed the remainder of the news under their offices or balled papers to the top and played basketball with the cans of refuse.
Naturally, they [liberal members of media of news] would not know anything first hand of which true heroes are made, because they are to test too occupied to criticize and show our troops to be murderers. That does not make only there are 3.000 innocent babies around half-compartments of daily pieces, and more than 17.000 murders in the United States annually. Which kind of respect and quality of the life is this barbarian practice?
Personally, I know not, as during years I transformed him and playing foosball with the cylinders of defiance.
Sexy Sadie said,
June 16, 2006 at 6:04
I ran one of Kaye’s paragraphs through a Right-Wing Catchphrase Generator and came up with the following:
“Of course, they (treehuggers) wouldn’t know anything firsthand about what traditional marraige is made of, because they are too busy attempting to slander and revise our Islomofascists of being baby-killers. Never mind that there are around 3000 innocent free markets cut into homo nups every day, and more than 17000 activist judges in the liberal media annually. What kind of blasphemy and treason is this socialist War on Terror?
It’s not perfect, but you’ve got to admit that it makes more sense than your average Kaye Grogan screed.
FlipYrWhig said,
June 16, 2006 at 6:59
I just realized what Kaye’s style reminds me of…
Grogan: Coulter could probably swallow a flaming torch, and it couldn’t match the heat she can generate with her stinging satiric verbal exchanges and written presentations in best-selling books.
Yortuk Festrunk: Why not? There’s nothing preventing them. After all, there is no other pair of Czech brothers who cruise and swing so successfuly in tight slacks!
Poor Wingnuts. Every time they are having sex, they must go to the closest national monument.
Marq said,
June 16, 2006 at 8:21
Hmm… speaking of “Kaye” G…rog,a,n, what the heck ever happened to Gavin’s long-promised concluding chapters of “An Ass-full Of Secrets,” anyway? Really, young man, that assignment is criminally overdue! All you do these days is photoshop Pasty’s face onto Napoleon or funny hats onto Aravosis, and where’s the pleasure in that? You don’t actually win Koufax awards if you allow nominated series to just sorta peter out.
Sexy Sadie said,
June 16, 2006 at 9:02
Personally, I think we’re overdue for an Xtreme Wingnut Preach-Off.
melior (in Austin) said,
June 16, 2006 at 10:38
Goodness boys and girls. . .if we lose the war on terrorism and the war in Iraq, you lose too.
This proves that Kaye once worked as a substitute teacher (since no one else would use the phrase, “Goodness boys and girls”).
The statistics I just revealed are facts, and anyone can check them out for themselves, if they are not too lazy.
I’m pretty lazy, so I just looked them up in my gut.
unrelatedwaffle said,
June 16, 2006 at 15:20
Most Americans would practically still be in the stone age era or having to rely on smoke signals for information, if news sites like WorldNet Daily, Newsmax, and the Drudge Report didn’t exist on the Internet.
But they would still exist on the Outernet, and any other place news sites seem to exist according to Kaye’s enlightening use of redundancy. And with that age/era triple axle Betsy flip, I think she’d proudly won the label, “Now with extra irony!”
MCH said,
June 16, 2006 at 15:58
Larkspur, you somehow translated Grogish into what sounds to my untrained ear a milder dialect of Swankese.
The majority of the Americans would be in the era of age of stone or doivents practically always to count on smoke markers for information, if the sites of news like daily Internet network, Newsmax, and the report/ratio of tedious work did not exist on the Internet.
Yet I, too, did not have the report/ratio of tedious work when I had my doivents. Sigh. Those were the days…
Tak, the Hideous New Girl said,
June 16, 2006 at 15:59
Kaye Grogan’s writing is so bad that I’m actually in pain right now from trying to read it.
I think there needs to be a disclaimer on her columns. “Warning: May Cause ‘Splody Head”
Reba said,
June 16, 2006 at 17:21
What kind of respect and quality of life is this barbaric practice?
You know what bothers me most about this? That I instantly rewrote it in my head to make some sort of sense. Some people call it a gift, but it’s a curse – a curse, I tell you!
What does this barbaric practice say about the respect for and quality of life in this country?
If ANYONE tells Kaye that I could edit her work to make it make sense, I will hunt you down and throw boxes of commas at you until they pierce the consciousness of anyone who sees you for the rest of your life. Okay? Okay.
Gratis said,
June 16, 2006 at 17:37
I don’t know about anyone else, but I want one of those bouncing trash cans Kaye has. Very versatile.
Nancy in Detroit said,
June 16, 2006 at 17:39
played basketball with the trash cans
How do they fit through the hoops?
MO said,
June 16, 2006 at 18:57
“Coulter could probably swallow a flaming torch, and it couldn’t match the heat she can generate with her stinging satiric verbal exchanges and written presentations in best-selling books.”
I just hate it when authors use verbal presentations, smoke signals and morse code in best-selling books.
Thank heavens Annorexia Coulter doesn’t do that.
Todd said,
June 16, 2006 at 19:25
At least Ms. Coulter has the nerve to sign her name, and stand behind what she has to say about liberals, while many of the liberals hide behind anonymous nicknames to write savage, filthy remarks about Coulter and other conservatives, they don’t like or agree with on blog boards.
I suspect there is a tiny endorphin release in Kaye’s head everytime she hits the comma key. That’s the only explanation for a sentence like this.
ned fucking flanders said,
June 16, 2006 at 19:54
played basketball with the trash cans
The worst part about this is that the trash cans play dirty.
Doodle Bean said,
June 16, 2006 at 20:19
played basketball with the trash cans
So the trash cans are the skins, right?
John E Thelin said,
June 16, 2006 at 23:47
I would rather see fire swallow Ann Coulter.
You’re assuming she’s flammable.
Colonel Cathcart said,
June 17, 2006 at 0:59
That’s quite the accusation she is levelling at the troops …
g said,
June 17, 2006 at 1:48
i Little do they know, that their sadistic remarks only inspire and give people like Coulter even more determination to speak out.
Did anyone make a sadistic remark about Ann? Of course, I can totally see how a sadistic remark might inspire Ann.
g said,
June 17, 2006 at 1:50
“her stinging satiric verbal exchanges and written presentations in best-selling books.”
Oh, yes. I much prefer her written presentations in books to those other kind of presentations she gives in books.
I mean, WHA?
Brian - el Texas transplant said,
June 17, 2006 at 18:00
I haven’t had a drink on over 5 months, but this about made me run to the store for some scotch…..
MrWonderful said,
June 17, 2006 at 20:21
Shut up, all of you. The woman is a national treasure. From the pseudo-sophisticated “I have listened to political news analysts, and Democrats to the point of nauseam…” to the tin-ear wrongness of “It couldn’t have happened to any nicer guys,” and -(yes, the commas)-what we have here is nothing less than a living, throbbing example of the right-wing brain at “work.” To have such confidence in your opinions! And for your opinions to be so stoopid! And to express them with such complete ineptitude!
Please, Sadly No, cover her all the time, every day.
Fezzik said,
June 19, 2006 at 22:17
Yeah, that Main Stream Media is so dang liberal. Just look at the spin!
The news : Supreme Court Rules for Developers to Build Shopping Mall on Protected Wetlands. The New York Times lefty-spun headline : “Court Splits Over Wetlands Protections”, as if the minority opinion counts for beans.
The news : Someone Claiming to be Al Qaeda Claims to be Holding US Troops Hostage, No Proof of Either Claim. The New York Times lefty-spun headline : “Qaeda Group Claims It Has 2 U.S. Troops”
The news : US Diplomacy a Day Late and a Dollar Short in Preventing The Axis of Evil from Developing a Delivery System for WMDS. The New York Times lefty-spun headline : “3 Neighbors of North Korea Back U.S. Warning”. ’cause with a failure that big, you need to blame that international community we hate to be a part of.
Woohoo. Yeah, the left has a real choke-hold on the spin there.