Mar
7

Word O’ The Day: Ho-mo-pho-bic




Posted at 15:55 by Tintin


ABOVE: Michael Bresciani, The American Prophet*

Shorter Michael Bresciani, Ruhnoo Murku
The PC Wars of 2010

  • Homophobic means afraid of gays. Christians aren’t homophobic because they aren’t afraid of gays. In fact, it’s the homos that are afraid of Christians. Oh,and another thing while I’m at it, homos and people that love them are worse than people who practice witchcraft.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

*Mr. Bresciani has written a book claiming that his technicolor dreams are visions from God and that he is a prophet. He also claims that his columns are read in “every country in the world,” which is, apparently, just another way of saying that he has posted them on the Internet.

271 Comments »

  1. Mat said,

    March 7, 2010 at 15:59

    I’m totally trusting the shorter on this one…

  2. Citizen_X said,

    March 7, 2010 at 16:04

    What is that thing with the angels, a larval Wookie?

  3. Meanderthal said,

    March 7, 2010 at 16:11

    The dead link requires that I trust the shorter. On the other hand, I think I’d be doing that in this case anyway, since the article is from a lair of monsters and fucktards.

    [Tintin adds: link fixed]

  4. That Girl said,

    March 7, 2010 at 16:29

    I got out of the boat and, man, that was the most poorly written thing I’ge read in years.

  5. Looch said,

    March 7, 2010 at 16:42

    This kind of sums things up for this feller, I think.

    We trust the God who cannot lie, not to change his mind and give us a whole new set of rules just because the times they are a changing. In fact it is God’s promise that he will not change his edicts, statutes, restrictions or commands that assure us, even though the world is in a great storm; God is always an immovable rock. Men change with the times but God orders the times and lays down his guide in every moment of time so no one will stumble.

    In other words:

    “Get off my goddamn lawn!”

  6. El Cid said,

    March 7, 2010 at 16:42

    I’m afraid of the gays. I protect myself by hanging out with a group of evangelical Republicans who for reasons of convenience meet late at night at an outdoor park’s public restroom.

  7. El Cid said,

    March 7, 2010 at 16:44

    God is always an immovable rock.

    Can he lift himself?

  8. Looch said,

    March 7, 2010 at 16:46

    I also liked this:

    Christians exercising their first amendment right to their religion are not succeeding or failing based on the exercise of that right. They are driven by their surrender to their God and Savior. It goes without saying that most of them are not visionaries who’ve been blessed with extra biblical apparitions.

    Unsaid: “Like me, to whom you should surrender any inklings of independent thought and subsequently obey without question.”

  9. J— said,

    March 7, 2010 at 16:49

    Bresciani:

    For almost an entire generation we have thrust a two pronged socialistic pitch fork at the minds of our youth. One prong is marked ‘disdain of nationalism’ or national pride from which patriotism is fed but not born. The other prong is marked rejection of all orthodox religion but mostly the Judeo Christian heritage, from which America’s patriotism was indeed born; altered textbooks notwithstanding.

    A socialist pitch fork without a political economy prong doesn’t sound very socialist to me.

  10. Looch said,

    March 7, 2010 at 16:50

    Can he lift himself?

    Perhaps by means of The Holy Hand Grenade? Hoisted, thereupon, etc?

  11. DAS said,

    March 7, 2010 at 17:00

    We trust the God who cannot lie, not to change his mind and give us a whole new set of rules just because the times they are a changing

    I trust then that this guy keeps Kosher, keeps the Saturday Sabbath, etc. — because God doesn’t give new sets of rules and even Jesus said “I come not to change the law”, etc.

  12. DAS said,

    March 7, 2010 at 17:02

    For almost an entire generation we have thrust a two pronged socialistic pitch fork at the minds of our youth. [...]. The other prong is marked rejection of all orthodox religion but mostly the Judeo Christian heritage

    Also, um, isn’t the Judeo-Christian tradition “socialist”? I’d hardly call the tradition that gave us the concept of the Jubilee year very-pro-private-property (as today’s right is wont to understand it). And Jesus was pretty much a Commie …

  13. Till said,

    March 7, 2010 at 17:05

    We trust the God who cannot lie, not to change his mind and give us a whole new set of rules just because the times they are a changing.

    You always know that people who say shit like this have never actually read the Bible they claim to be following. Otherwise they’d be calling for the death of a majority of the world’s population.

    If you want to be a bigoted asshole, go do that. But don’t claim intellectual justification in a text which you freely ignore as it suits you.

  14. JGabriel said,

    March 7, 2010 at 17:06

    Mr. Bresciani would probably be much more comfortable around gay people if only he could get those dreams of sucking cock out of his mind.

    .

  15. 77south said,

    March 7, 2010 at 17:06

    This guy says his god is an immovable rock. There is a curch near me that has a “A mighty fortress is our God” written in stone on the outside. It’s such a defensive attitude. It turns me (and, suspect many others as well) off.

    I want a church that is a little less confrontational. How bout “A swinging dance hall is our God”? or “A this one place that has amazing chicken and avacodo burritos and has Murphy’s Irish Stout is our God” or “An amazing ski slope with 2′ of fresh powder is our God”?

    Oh wait. I am an atheist. What do I care how these tedious people describe their imaginary friend?

  16. tigrismus said,

    March 7, 2010 at 17:10

    DAS and Till beat me to it, because you know this guy doesn’t follow every jot and tittle of the Law, or even know them. So all I can add is yes on the nose question.

  17. J— said,

    March 7, 2010 at 17:13

    And then Jesus did say, “Let me see thine prong. That prong, prong, prong, prong, prong.”

  18. Neddie Jingo said,

    March 7, 2010 at 17:17

    We hate to hear that when the giant went back to sleep a generation of progressive liberalism snuck into the textbooks, the minds and, now; very deeply into the hearts of our young.

    Re; Nude America… The place punctuation “snuck” into to die!

  19. Mr. Wonderful said,

    March 7, 2010 at 17:23

    Can he lift himself?

    And not underhand, with palms facing up. We mean overhand, after a dead hang on the bar.

  20. g said,

    March 7, 2010 at 17:25

    Staying in the boat. Where’s the mango salsa?

  21. The Tragically Flip said,

    March 7, 2010 at 17:26

    This comment is being read in every country in the world.

  22. The Tragically Flip said,

    March 7, 2010 at 17:31

    Hello to the North Koreans reading this thread. We love the Dear Leader here.

  23. Wyatt Watts III said,

    March 7, 2010 at 17:33

    Anti-gay Christians are so unafraid of gays that they often go to gay bars, pick up guys, and then get busted for drunk driving, like California Sen. Ashburn did last week.

    Other things anti-gay Christians tend not to be afraid of:

    – skimming money off the church

    – prostitutes

    –kids who don’t want to be raped.

  24. mmy said,

    March 7, 2010 at 17:46

    Just stay in the boat. The shorter is fine, at least with respect to those parts of the article that made an iota of sense.

  25. Trilateral Chairman said,

    March 7, 2010 at 17:48

    What is that thing with the angels, a larval Wookie?

    I thought it was Mark Steyn, actually. Though that may not be so different.

  26. g said,

    March 7, 2010 at 17:51

    Other things anti-gay Christians tend not to be afraid of:

    You forgot the meth.

  27. glf said,

    March 7, 2010 at 17:52

    I’d rather listen to the delusional homeless.

  28. Tara the Antisocial Social Worker said,

    March 7, 2010 at 18:01

    What happens if you’re a homo AND practice witchcraft?

  29. Jennifer said,

    March 7, 2010 at 18:07

    What happens if you’re a homo AND practice witchcraft?

    If any of your spells create an erection that lasts longer than 4 hours, seek immediate medical attention.

  30. Iason Ouabache said,

    March 7, 2010 at 18:13

    For almost an entire generation we have thrust a two pronged socialistic pitch fork at the minds of our youth. One prong is marked ‘disdain of nationalism’ or national pride from which patriotism is fed but not born.

    Whoa whoa whoa… Did this assbag just say that a major prong of socialism is to be disdainful of nationalism? What the hell is he smoking? Let’s get a time machine and send him back to Russia in the 1950s.

  31. mingo said,

    March 7, 2010 at 18:14

    we have thrust a two pronged socialistic pitch fork

    those homophobes and their thrusting prongs!!!

  32. mingo said,

    March 7, 2010 at 18:14

    tag fail. *weeps*

  33. Looch said,

    March 7, 2010 at 18:22

    If any of your spells create an erection that lasts longer than 4 hours, seek immediate medical attention.

    Ah, the prong of socialized medicine!

  34. Looch said,

    March 7, 2010 at 18:24

    Whoa whoa whoa… Did this assbag just say that a major prong of socialism is to be disdainful of nationalism? What the hell is he smoking? Let’s get a time machine and send him back to Russia in the 1950s.

    I think he’s just saying:

    “WOLVERINES!1!!1″

  35. Nom de Plume said,

    March 7, 2010 at 18:25

    If any of your spells create an erection that lasts longer than 4 hours, seek immediate medical attention cast your spell my way.

  36. Nom de Plume said,

    March 7, 2010 at 18:26

    I promise to go under it.

  37. tigrismus said,

    March 7, 2010 at 18:27

    Did this assbag just say that a major prong of socialism is to be disdainful of nationalism?

    Jonah wept.

  38. St. Trotsky, Pope-in-Avignon said,

    March 7, 2010 at 18:58

    Otherwise they’d be calling for the death of a majority of the world’s population.

    Point of order, sir. I see no evidence these people /aren’t/ calling for the death of a majority of the world’s population, given that their parameters of who signifies a “real American” who should /not/ be killed is fucking minuscule in comparison to all the people in the world worthy of their fucked-up definition of God.

  39. St. Trotsky, Pope-in-Avignon said,

    March 7, 2010 at 18:59

    sigh. ‘worthy of death according to their fucked-up definition of God’.

  40. Steerpike said,

    March 7, 2010 at 19:05

    I’ve been a blatant heterosexual my whole life (so far), but I’ve never hated or feared gays in the least. In my younger, single days, I always figured, “let the pretty boys and the ugly women pair off–what’s the downside?” A lot of my friends were terrified and revulsed (is that a word?) by homosexual behavior in others, and in what has to be this most non-shocking epiphany in the history of the world, I finally realized that what they feared was the possibility of teh ghey in themselves. (I know, knock me over with a lavender feather) The more a man obsesses about “kweerz”, the more likely he is to have a secret stash of Judy Garland records.

  41. lobbey said,

    March 7, 2010 at 19:12

    our second prong is fanatical devotion to the pope and….

  42. tsam said,

    March 7, 2010 at 19:20

    Did this assbag just say that a major prong of socialism is to be disdainful of nationalism? What the hell is he smoking? Let’s get a time machine and send him back to Russia in the 1950s.

    Or 1936 Germany. That’s a fantastic example of why intelligent people disdain nationalism.

  43. Mat said,

    March 7, 2010 at 19:32

    Normally such inane and insane ramblings like this would just make you chuckle–until you consider that psychopaths like the Reverend Bresciani also tend to be heavily armed with a large cache of assault rifles and pistols.

    It’s funny until more and more of these whack jobs crack and start “eliminating” innocent victims. Timothy McVeigh showed all too clearly that a deranged, delusional, and fanatical moron can do great harm if properly motivated.

    Just saying…

  44. PS said,

    March 7, 2010 at 19:42

    times they are a changing.

    Dylan quote FAIL, for lack of a hyphen and apostrophe an’ a g too far

    But WTF with the D Q anyhoo?

  45. Chris said,

    March 7, 2010 at 19:53

    http://pajamasmedia.com/blog/why-obama-pelosi-and-reid-wont-quit-pushing-health-care-reform/

    OT but interesting; this is PJTV getting as close to honest as they ever do. If you can tune out the mind-numbing John Bircher rhetoric, the article is about how they’re afraid of universal health care because once it’s in place, they won’t be able to repeal it any more than they can Medicare or Social Security. (As usual, they attribute this to sinister conspiratorial Marxist underground forces rather than the simpler and more brutal explanation – people want health care).

  46. Snorghagen said,

    March 7, 2010 at 20:08

    …sexual revolution tripe…

    It’s about damn time that someone pointed out the dangers of sexually subversive stomach offal.

  47. St. Trotsky, Pope-in-Avignon said,

    March 7, 2010 at 20:09

    Speaking as a nominally straight person, the only thing I fear about the ‘homosexual menace’ is the same thing I already fear in my heterosexual relationships.

    Either being rejected by the people I think are hot, or being propositioned by the people I think are beneath my standards.

  48. forked tongue said,

    March 7, 2010 at 20:25

    being propositioned by the people I think are beneath my standards.

    At least this is something the Rev doesn’t need to fear, for at least a couple of reasons.

  49. thusa said,

    March 7, 2010 at 20:26

    This comment is being read in every country in the world.

    And in every century henceforth until the heat death of the universe.

  50. Vacuumslayer said,

    March 7, 2010 at 20:36

    He’s not afraid of gays; he’s afraid of how they make him feel…you know…in his pants.

  51. Snorghagen said,

    March 7, 2010 at 20:39

    God’s word…is the clarion call to return to the flock where the Shepherd keeps watch. It is about love…

    The Lord our God is a mighty Mickey Kaus.

  52. creature said,

    March 7, 2010 at 20:40

    I, for one, welcome our new homosocialistgodlessantinationalist overlords! Has this guy got a leather vest/chaps/shorts/kilt on? Looks kinda ‘bear-like’, if you know what I mean (and I think you do!).

  53. Martian Buddy said,

    March 7, 2010 at 20:44

    Holy unintended irony, Batman!

    Add to this footnote the fact that in Malaysia homosexuality is illegal and heavily punished. Oddly, neither Focus on the Family or Women’s Media Center would be welcome at all in Malaysia and a half dozen other counties worldwide.

    And here in the U.S., there are people of the right-wing fundamentalist totally-not-a-homophobe-honest persuasion who lament the fact that the U.S. Supreme Court struck down state sodomy laws. Bresciani even alludes to the infamous “stone the fag0rts” passage in Leviticus, although I note that he never actually brings up what the divinely-mandated punishment for teh ghey is supposed to be. It’s a curious omission for someone who’s in the middle of arguing, in Bresciani’s own words, that “…it is God’s promise that he will not change his edicts, statutes, restrictions or commands…;” perhaps he’s received a new revelation that “stone the fag0rts” really means “convict them of felony sex offenses for private, consensual sex acts, lock them up for years, and then force them into ‘ex-gay’ therapy.”

    And that’s not even the biggest irony in his column; while expounding on the alleged inaccuracy of the term “homophobe,” Bresciani says:

    It is there in God’s word that they find many warnings that when individuals or nations begin to allow unbridled licentious behavior that God will intervene with appropriate responses.

    By “appropriate responses,” of course, he means “indiscriminate slaughter via earthquakes, fires, floods, famines, hurricanes, pestilence, plagues of locusts, cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria, resurrections of 80s fashions, and other calamities too horrid to name.” If I believed that some wrathful bastard of a deity might unleash a plague of ebola or Republican rap in my neighborhood just because one of my neighbors stuck his pee-pee somewhere other than the divinely-mandated orifice, I suppose I’d be cowering in pants-wetting terror as well. Q.E.-fuckin’-D.

    Sure, Bresciani tries to walk this back. At one point, he claims that “God’s word does not call anyone to fear but rather to re-consciousness…it is the clarion call to return to the flock where the Shepherd keeps watch.” (And never mind the fact that the phrase “fear the Lord” turns up frequently in both testaments–but I digress.) But what do we have to fear “out on the fringes?” In his own words, the danger is “that God will intervene with appropriate responses.” He goes on to say that “[i]t is about love; not fear.”–the sort of love that involves a world-class smiting when we don’t do as we’re told. The herd imagery is so apt for a scared little sheep who cowers in fear at the thought of, you know, not persecuting gays anymore.

  54. Smut Clyde said,

    March 7, 2010 at 20:59

    …sexual revolution tripe…

    Skeeziest fetish EVAH.

  55. Martian Buddy said,

    March 7, 2010 at 21:06

    I feel feverish now. I think a mosquito might have bitten me when I got off the boat. Does anyone have some quinine handy?

  56. Smut Clyde said,

    March 7, 2010 at 21:11

    What is that thing with the angels, a larval Wookie?

    I think he is posing his face to enter in the Thatcher Effect Look-alike Competition.

  57. justme said,

    March 7, 2010 at 21:11

    We trust the God who cannot lie, not to change his mind and give us a whole new set of rules just because the times they are a changing. In fact it is God’s promise that he will not change his edicts, statutes, restrictions or commands that assure us, even though the world is in a great storm; God is always an immovable rock. Men change with the times but God orders the times and lays down his guide in every moment of time so no one will stumble.

    Ah, so he’s Jewish then? I mean, God doesn’t go around changing his mind all willy-nilly. That whole “Second Covenant” thing couldn’t possibly be. How can you believe that Jesus guy saying that God changed his mind about things?

    What? That cheeseburger and shrimp cocktail eatin’ motherfucker doesn’t abide by every phrase in the inerrant Holy Scripture? Color me shocked.

  58. Substance McGravitas said,

    March 7, 2010 at 21:13

    We trust the God who cannot lie

    OMNIPOTENCE MY ASS.

  59. Vacuumslayer said,

    March 7, 2010 at 21:15

    If you squint I think he has kind of a Jack Galifinakis thing going on.

  60. justme said,

    March 7, 2010 at 21:26

    Somewhere, that man has a closet full of wetsuits and dildos.

  61. Smut Clyde said,

    March 7, 2010 at 21:41

    a closet full of wetsuits and dildos.
    Hunting trophies, is all.

  62. Substance McGravitas said,

    March 7, 2010 at 21:43

    On the RenewAmerica front someone should really hammer Carey Roberts. Not me because I’m too depressed over dishonest-ellipsis-in-service-of-rape-joke.

  63. Jennifer said,

    March 7, 2010 at 21:47

    New posts at the ol’ blog, the latest linking to this one.

  64. Another kiwi said,

    March 7, 2010 at 21:53

    The Dual Prongs of Socialism should call their second album “Poke, Poke, I Hope You Don’t Choke”

  65. Woodrowfan said,

    March 7, 2010 at 22:05

    As a straight guy, when I was single I just thought if a guy was gay that it meant less competition for the cute girls. Whatever dude, more for me!*

    * in theory, the reality, not so much.

  66. Woodrowfan said,

    March 7, 2010 at 22:07

    There is a church near me that has a “A mighty fortress is our God” written in stone on the outside. It’s such a defensive attitude. It turns me (and, suspect many others as well) off.

    well, it is Reformation era, when being the wrong flavor of Christian for your neighborhood would get you killed.

  67. Smut Clyde said,

    March 7, 2010 at 22:18

    Dual Prongs of Socialism

    Not to be confused with the Duel Prongs, as used by a certain kind of gladiator, and by slugs.

  68. pedestrian said,

    March 7, 2010 at 22:22

    I’ve been a blatant heterosexual my whole life (so far), but I’ve never hated or feared gays in the least. In my younger, single days, I always figured, “let the pretty boys and the ugly women pair off–what’s the downside?”

    I suppose that we should be grateful that your younger, singler self never imagined the possibility of ugly gay men or attractive lesbians.

  69. pedestrian said,

    March 7, 2010 at 22:24

    No Christian who is Biblically grounded thinks of themselves as in a fearful battle against gays or any other modern day emergent group. What we battle against is blindness in total. It is about our obedience to God and our love for the souls of men and women throughout this world. Paul said it this way.

    “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” (Ephesians 6:12)

    So he isn’t afraid of gay people, just the gay demons that control them. Thanks.

  70. pedestrian said,

    March 7, 2010 at 22:25

    * in theory, the reality, not so much.

    Yeah, “all the other guys are straight” never got me laid either.

  71. Bitter Scribe said,

    March 7, 2010 at 22:32

    The real dangers [to the nation and the church] are to be found in…of course the new purveyors and practitioners of modernity’s PC.

    Yeah, not being able to shout nigger, fag, dyke, kike, etc. at people who are different from you is what’s bringing this country down.

  72. noen said,

    March 7, 2010 at 22:35

    “…sexual revolution tripe…”

    Not to be confused with sexual revolution sweetbread.

  73. tigrismus said,

    March 7, 2010 at 22:38

    What we battle against is blindness in total. It is about our obedience to God

    Not the blind, unquestioning kind of obedience, though, right? Right? Hello?

  74. mingo said,

    March 7, 2010 at 22:46

    our love for the souls of men and women throughout this world

    you know – I don’t want this guy’s love. I suspect his definition of ‘love’ is real scary, and involves stones. Being thrown at the sinner. Wth love, of course.

  75. Jennifer said,

    March 7, 2010 at 22:53

    you know – I don’t want this guy’s love. I suspect his definition of ‘love’ is real scary, and involves stones. Being thrown at the sinner. Wth love, of course.

    REAL love means pointing out to others the error of their ways. And of course it hurts us more than it hurts them. For example, I’ve got all these calluses on my hands and my nails are all split from picking up all those rocks and throwing them…

  76. Tehanu said,

    March 7, 2010 at 23:01

    We trust the God who cannot lie, not to change his mind…

    Uh, so when God decided to wipe out the whole human race but changed his mind because Noah was so righteous …. what was that exactly?

  77. Martian Buddy said,

    March 7, 2010 at 23:16

    you know – I don’t want this guy’s love. I suspect his definition of ‘love’ is real scary, and involves stones. Being thrown at the sinner. Wth love, of course.

    The power of morbid curiosity compels me to wonder what he’d say if someone asked him about that “let he who is without sin cast the first stone” passage. He’d probably claim it was slipped into the text by subversive liberal scribes or something.

  78. wiley said,

    March 7, 2010 at 23:20

    If God were SERIOUS, he’d address EVERYBODY with the SAME message. This coy and secretive god is suspect.

  79. Snorghagen said,

    March 7, 2010 at 23:26

    God’s word does not call anyone to fear …

    And God shall smite the transgressors and send down fire and plague upon their lands and cast them into the pit of eternal agony, but He shall do so in a totally non-fear-inducing kind of way.

  80. Smut Clyde said,

    March 7, 2010 at 23:26

    I’ve got all these calluses on my hands and my nails are all split from picking up all those rocks

    That’s nothing — straining at gnats has given me piles.
    Swallowing camels was probably not such a good idea either.

  81. PeeJ said,

    March 7, 2010 at 23:37

    For almost an entire generation we have thrust a two pronged socialistic pitch fork at the minds of our youth.

    I’m still confused about that. I can’t tell if it’s his latent gheyiness coming through or has he inadvertently revealed latent skullfucking tendencies?

  82. Jennifer said,

    March 7, 2010 at 23:39

    I rate for “latent skullfucking tendencies.”

  83. PeeJ said,

    March 7, 2010 at 23:40

    Has “sexual revolution tripe” entered into the JanusNode lexicon I hope?

  84. SqueakyRat said,

    March 7, 2010 at 23:41

    The Rev. points out correctly that some Muslims dislike both gays and Christian whackos. Explain that, libtards!

  85. Arky said,

    March 7, 2010 at 23:55

    Fine, he’s not afraid of gay people. He’s a filthy dog fucking bigot who dumps on gays because he can still sometimes get away with it by quoting one verse in the Old Testament and his life would be incomplete if he weren’t allowed to publicly hate SOMEONE.

  86. g said,

    March 8, 2010 at 0:03

    Does anyone have some quinine handy?

    No, but you can join me in a gin and tonic.

  87. tigrismus said,

    March 8, 2010 at 0:09

    If God were SERIOUS, he’d address EVERYBODY with the SAME message.

    I know! Rape-swan, rape-bull, rape-golden-shower MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

    Swallowing camels was probably not such a good idea either.

    Great, now throat-jamming-rape-camel.

  88. Martian Buddy said,

    March 8, 2010 at 0:14

    I’m still confused about that. I can’t tell if it’s his latent gheyiness coming through or has he inadvertently revealed latent skullfucking tendencies?

    Kangaroos have a bifurcated penis– maybe his inner zoophile is trying to get out.

  89. Esther said,

    March 8, 2010 at 0:26

    I love gay people. Some of my best friends are gay in fact. But this has always vexed me too. Calling people who are really “homo-averse” “homophobes” and thus implying they are afraid of gay people only causes them to resent gay people even more and seems to be an example of shooting ourselves and our gay friends in the foots. It’s important to always remember that the words we use are strong and shape reality.

  90. Grace Nearing said,

    March 8, 2010 at 0:29

    Uh, so when God decided to wipe out the whole human race but changed his mind because Noah was so righteous …. what was that exactly?

    Tehanu: That was the very first episode ever of Punk’d.

  91. Michael Bresciani said,

    March 8, 2010 at 0:43

    Hey guys, thanks for spelling out this word syllabically for me. I’m sure I’ve got it now.

    Ho

    Well, that’s obvious. Gay homosexual people are all lascivious degenerates who will put out as soon as they’re asked.

    Mo

    And, like “Moe” from the Three Stooges, they enjoy beating each other in their weird, kinky, strangely alluring S&M rituals and it hurts soooo much and excuse me a minute.

    Pho

    And they’re all Vietnamese, too. Which means they’re commies and probably anti-American and we should have wiped ‘em out with the rest of the dirty gooks.

    Bic

    Bad taste in writing utensils.

    Q.E. to the fuckin’ D, liberals. See, this is what you can do when you get an education instead of sucking government tit all day.

  92. bbkf said,

    March 8, 2010 at 0:54

    “people who are willing to swallow everything that the PC pushers have to offer”

    veiled p*nis reference?

  93. commie atheist said,

    March 8, 2010 at 1:12

    It’s important to always remember that the words we use are strong and shape reality.

    I agree completely with you Esther, you lame-ass fucking fake troll.

  94. commie atheist said,

    March 8, 2010 at 1:14

    And now is the time on Sprockets ven ve DANCE!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_uOwVg2B79E

  95. Martian Buddy said,

    March 8, 2010 at 1:15

    It’s important to always remember that the words we use are strong and shape reality.

    Everybody wang chung tonight!

  96. Tom Servo said,

    March 8, 2010 at 1:22

    Ironically, no one in Wang Chung had sex that night.

  97. wiley said,

    March 8, 2010 at 1:33

    Since homophobia is defined as “unreasoning fear of or antipathy toward homosexuals and homosexuality”, esther, the word is good. The guy just argued that he doesn’t fear homosexuals, he despises them and thinks they are evil. Surely we’re not going to quibble over the meaning of “or” or “antipathy”.

  98. PeeJ said,

    March 8, 2010 at 1:33

    Everybody wang chung tonight!

    Sorry, can’t join inm. The fixins for the cheesesteaks won’t keep until tomorrow.

  99. g said,

    March 8, 2010 at 1:34

    Esther, meet, Michael Braciani. Michael, Esther.

    Now will the two of you piss off?

  100. Steerpike said,

    March 8, 2010 at 2:04

    I agree with Esther–we need a new word that conveys hatred, rather than fear. Racist bigots aren’t referred to as “Blackophobes”, or “non-anglo-phobes”; people who hate Jews aren’t “Semite-phobes”–they don’t fear Jews, they hate them (leaving aside for the moment the etymological inaccuracy of “semite” in the construction “anti-semite”) Similarly, arachnophobes, if asked, probably wouldn’t want to exterminate all spiders–they just fear them and avoid being around them. There should be a specific word to denote hatred and persecution of gay people, that doesn’t semantically imply “fear”.

    (Although, having said all that, I still believe that almost all of that hatred stems from the fear of it in themselves)

  101. Martian Buddy said,

    March 8, 2010 at 2:14

    Steerpike: Why coin a new term when “gay-basher” already exists? (Although then they’d probably argue that they don’t actually beat up gays, they just discriminate against them, but whatev.)

  102. 77south said,

    March 8, 2010 at 2:14

    Just like someone who is hydrophobic is afraid of water, but more seriously, has an advanced case of rabies. Someone who is Homophobic is afraid of gays, but more importantly, has a bad case of hatred-weasels in their skull.

  103. Esther said,

    March 8, 2010 at 2:25

    Why not just call them bigots? It’s more accurate, more stinging, and intelligent Conservatives (yes they totally exist) have a harder time shrugging off bigotry as just another example of adorable, irreverent political incorrectness.

  104. Snorghagen said,

    March 8, 2010 at 2:29

    It’s important to always remember that the words we use are strong and shape reality.

    Especially if the word is POOP.

  105. PeeJ said,

    March 8, 2010 at 2:54

    We already have a word: Republicans.

  106. Another kiwi said,

    March 8, 2010 at 3:06

    Peej I think that Republicans has that extra component of hating on the gays in public whilst making out like sex starved gay raccoons in private

  107. N__B said,

    March 8, 2010 at 3:34

    Especially if the word is POOP.

    POOP is the word
    It’s the word that you heard
    It’s got squoosh
    It’s got feeling

  108. Gary Ruppert said,

    March 8, 2010 at 3:44

    The fact is, why do liberals always defend faggots at every turn? Don’t understand this, they should all shut up and work harder.

  109. Gay Lurker said,

    March 8, 2010 at 3:45

    Oh no this thread can’t be done–I was just getting interested!!! I’m gonna hold my breath until someone else comments and, and oh shit I chipped a nail typing this–Michael where’s my goddam emery board!

  110. Gay Lurker said,

    March 8, 2010 at 3:47

    And Gary freakin Ruppert doesn’t count!!!

  111. Speaking as a homosexual.... said,

    March 8, 2010 at 3:48

    On the subject of me, I would have to say that I frequently seem to scare Republicans. Rahmbo, meanwhile, just seems to hate me for sport.

  112. A concerned citizen said,

    March 8, 2010 at 3:54

    Practicing witchcraft? He’s talking about practice?

    Why is practice the verb they go for in situations like this? Practicing sodomy, practicing witchcraft, practitioners of modernity’s PC — whatever the hell that means…

    Always practice for at least an hour a day, people; that’s the only way to get better. (Of course it always helps to have private sodomy and/or witchcraft lessons. Contact me if interested. Financial aid is available.)

    we have thrust a two pronged socialistic pitch fork at the minds of our youth.

    Now, there’s somebody who could use some of my lessons. With something as small as the wingnut mind, you have to be gentle. One prong at a time, please.

    Also, did this guy get molested by his audiologist or his piano teacher? Pitch fork? Like a thing you hit with a hammer and it makes a sound? I ask because the thing you pick up hay with has 3 prongs and a tuning fork has 2.

    No, I know he’s just exaggerating here: the truth is, the US has blocked imports of medical devices such as pitch forks from socialistic countries.

  113. A concerned citizen said,

    March 8, 2010 at 3:54

    FYWP

  114. J Neo Marvin said,

    March 8, 2010 at 4:02

    But WTF with the D Q anyhoo?

    His sons and his daughters are beyond his command, therefore he feels compelled to criticize what he can’t understand. It’s alright ma, he’s only whining.

  115. Chris said,

    March 8, 2010 at 4:09

    “We already have a word: Republicans.”

    No, we HAD a word (Republican), except Bush fucked up the franchise so much that Republicans are now “liberals” and the true believers have moved on to the Tea Party.

    “Movement conservatives”?

  116. Vacuumslayer said,

    March 8, 2010 at 4:13

    Oops. I meant Zach.

  117. Vacuumslayer said,

    March 8, 2010 at 4:15

    Bowel movement conservatives

  118. Snorghagen said,

    March 8, 2010 at 4:17

    His sons and his daughters are beyond his command, therefore he feels compelled to criticize what he can’t understand. It’s alright ma, he’s only whining.

    And his second mother is with his seventh son
    And they’re both out on Highway 61.

  119. Snorghagen said,

    March 8, 2010 at 4:21

    And for those who didn’t visit the Carey Roberts link, posted back at 21:43, be advised:
    Men are better than women because more men died on the Titanic.

  120. jim said,

    March 8, 2010 at 4:22

    We trust the God who cannot lie, not to change his mind and give us a whole new set of rules just because the times they are a changing.

    Of course this explains why Christianity is such a solid monolith of faith, utterly bereft of any denominational schisms or conflicts. Perhaps the history books all lied to us & in fact all those centuries of warfare in Europe were really about what colour of codpiece people wore or whether to have red or white wine with fish?

    Yeah, I’m pretty sure Luther or Calvin would bitch-slap this guy into next Tuesday if they were around today.

    It is there in God’s word that they find many warnings that when individuals or nations begin to allow unbridled licentious behavior that God will intervene with appropriate responses.

    GDP per capita (from CIA World Factbook):

    * Iran (pro-homophobic regime) – $5,000

    * Germany (not-so-homophobic) – $39, 300

    * Burma (homophobic) – $600

    * Canada (gay-marrying-pot-smoking-commies) – $39,400

    Apparently “God’s word” is FAAAAAABULOUS!

  121. tigrismus said,

    March 8, 2010 at 4:24

    Wait, did Gary just say he wants gays to work him harder?

  122. PeeJ said,

    March 8, 2010 at 4:33

    sex starved gay raccoons

    Obligatory request for newsletter follows….

  123. Martian Buddy said,

    March 8, 2010 at 4:45

    Snorghagen:

    Thanks to Carey Roberts, I also learned that letting women fight will get you schooled on the battlefield–just like the Soviets in WW2.

  124. jim said,

    March 8, 2010 at 4:45

    OT: P3N1S!

  125. Boudicca said,

    March 8, 2010 at 4:56

    Hey, Roberts.
    You.
    Me.
    Behind the bleachers.
    Fookin’ NOW.

  126. herrnaphta said,

    March 8, 2010 at 5:08

    What’s up with clergy always talking about thrusting at the young?

  127. Substance McGravitas said,

    March 8, 2010 at 5:14

    Here’s the thing about the Roberts article:

    March is Women’s History Month. Time to prepare ourselves for the annual Sista-fest of narcissistic victim-mongering, gleeful male-bashing, and shameless prevarication.

    Okay, that was paragraph one, right from the get-go, he’s pissed at shameless prevarication.

    How’s this for breathless overstatement, courtesy of President Obama’s March 2 proclamation for Women’s History Month: “Countless women have steered the course of our history…breaking barriers on athletic fields and battlefields.”

    Paragraph two: shameless prevarication. Actual quote reads:

    Countless women have steered the course of our history, and their stories are ones of steadfast determination. From reaching for the ballot box to breaking barriers on athletic fields and battlefields, American women have stood resolute in the face of adversity and overcome obstacles to realize their full measure of success.

    Carey then asks

    Countless women on battlefields have altered the course of history?

    Countless wingnuts on blogs have altered the course of fantasy island.

  128. islmfaoscist said,

    March 8, 2010 at 5:20

    At the bar today, apropos nothing, the dude next to me started complaining about how he can’t watch teevee any more because all White Men are portrayed as emasculated, bumbling idiots.

    I said, “You mean, like Archie Bunker? Or Gilligan? Dick Van Dyke? Ricky Ricardo? Cause I’m not really sure what your point is.” He went back to mumbling into his beer.

  129. teh Universal Schlong said,

    March 8, 2010 at 5:51

    Boy is this guy in for a shock.

    They don’t call him “Peter of the Pearly Gates” for nothing…

  130. bbkf said,

    March 8, 2010 at 5:54

    “So instead of “fetishing the victimhood of women,” Kay proposes, Why not celebrate the manliness of men on April 15, the date of the Titanic’s sinking?”

    My guess is, and by looking at his pic I think you’ll agree, Mr. Roberts was NOT one of the chivalrous that night on the Titanic?

  131. Matt T. said,

    March 8, 2010 at 6:06

    Ricky Ricardo wasn’t white, was he?

  132. Tacitus Voltaire said,

    March 8, 2010 at 6:30

    warnings that when individuals or nations begin to allow unbridled licentious behavior

    …so you see, sweetheart, you need to put the bridle back on and pick up the whip, just like the nice man says

  133. N__B said,

    March 8, 2010 at 6:51

    unbridled licentious behavior

    And make sure the license plate is firmly bolted to your horse’s ass.

  134. Tacitus Voltaire said,

    March 8, 2010 at 6:57

    ABOVE: Michael Bresciani, The American Prophet

    aka Angry Fluffy

  135. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    March 8, 2010 at 8:01

    We trust the God who cannot lie, not to change his mind and give us a whole new set of rules just because the times they are a changing. In fact it is God’s promise that he will not change his edicts, statutes, restrictions or commands that assure us, even though the world is in a great storm; God is always an immovable rock.

    Don’t these morons even read the book they love to throw at others?

  136. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    March 8, 2010 at 8:10

    Looking at the picture of this bearded fool, I’ve come to the conclusion that this man is the anti-PZ from Bizarro World.

  137. pöplikid said,

    March 8, 2010 at 8:53

    Sorry, kids.

    Gotta vent. A little.

    My beloved Saints, charging toward promotion out of this Third Division hellhole, blow a golden opportunity to advance toward the playoff places by shitting the bed at Tranmere 2-1 Southampton.

    Tranmere?

    Am I in some sort of All-Goatee alternate universe, except instead of All-Goatee it’s All-My-England-Football-Prospects-Suck?

    England. Suckitude will be revealed after the group stage.

    Arsenal. Just sucky enough to suck against the rest of the 4Prem, doing nothing but ensuring another nail-biting humiliation against some swarthier continental club power.

    England Rugby: Where the fuck was the side that eviscerated a strong Wales XV (that later defeated France) like a lamb before God when Ireland came to visit and killed the Grand Slam?

    Quod iam vos, meus Sanctus?

    Vos es meus eternus torqueo.

  138. justme said,

    March 8, 2010 at 8:55

    Don’t these morons even read the book they love to throw at others?

    No.

    This episode of Stupid Answers To Short Questions brought to you by Natsuko’s Imperial Miso Soup Typhoon and Love Hotel.

  139. wiley said,

    March 8, 2010 at 9:40

    Yeah. It’s just one covenant after the other.

  140. commie atheist said,

    March 8, 2010 at 10:09

    Hmmmm. Rugby, England and the Bible, you say? How’s this:

    And did those feet in ancient time.
    Walk upon Englands mountains green:
    And was the holy Lamb of God,
    On Englands pleasant pastures seen!

    And did the Countenance Divine,
    Shine forth upon our clouded hills?
    And was Jerusalem builded here,
    Among these dark Satanic Mills?

    Bring me my Bow of burning gold;
    Bring me my Arrows of desire:
    Bring me my Spear: O clouds unfold!
    Bring me my Chariot of fire!

    I will not cease from Mental Fight,
    Nor shall my Sword sleep in my hand:
    Till we have built Jerusalem,
    In Englands green & pleasant Land

  141. The Dark Avenger said,

    March 8, 2010 at 10:22

    “Would to God that all the Lords people were Prophets”

    Numbers XI. Ch 29. v.

  142. stackozone said,

    March 8, 2010 at 11:31

    Tacitus Voltaire said,

    ABOVE: Michael Bresciani, The American Prophet

    aka Angry FluffyFurry

    Fiqquekketh, also.

  143. owlbear1 said,

    March 8, 2010 at 12:33

    For almost an entire generation we have thrust a two pronged socialistic pitch fork at the minds of our youth. One prong is marked ‘disdain of nationalism’ or national pride from which patriotism is fed but not born. The other prong is marked rejection of all orthodox religion but mostly the Judeo Christian heritage, from which America’s patriotism was indeed born; altered textbooks notwithstanding.

    The Reagan Revolution has been ugly.

  144. DH Walker said,

    March 8, 2010 at 13:36

    Shorter shorter Michael Bresciani:

    I understand the mind of God perfectly, and no one else does. So, fuck you.

  145. Anonymous said,

    March 8, 2010 at 13:50

    commie atheist said

    PLAY LUCKY MAN!!!!!

  146. Bill S said,

    March 8, 2010 at 14:05

    “God will intervene with appropriate responses.”
    Hmmm…well, seeing as how God is supposed to be infinitely wise and loving, wouldn’t the “appropriate response” be to persuade people to change their ways in the most benign, non-violent way possible? Because one feature of unlimited wisdom would be ALWAYS knowing the exact right thing to say to anyone to get the results he wants. Since he’d know it’s impossible to use the exact same approach with 100% of the earth’s population-that every culture-every individual-is psychologically different-he’d tailor his approach to suit each person.
    And he’d be able to do this with EVERYBODY. If he wants to stop someone from abusing others, he’d know exactly what to say to that person to get him to stop, without ever having to resort to viloence.
    Or are we supposed to believe that that all-wise, more highly-evolved-than-us, supreme being, just goes all Incredible Hulk on us when he doesn’t get his way-”ME ANGRY! ME SMASH!”
    How do people fail to see how contradictory that is?

  147. Bill S said,

    March 8, 2010 at 14:11

    Another thing: since God’s supposed to be all powerful, he’d never have to resort to violence for any reason. If a human wouldn’t listen to him, he could just use his super-duper God powers to imobilze him in some way-I mean, why’d he just stand idly by and let Susan Smith strap her kids into a car and dump it into a lake? Didn’t he know what the outcome would be? How hard could it be for him to pick a moment when the kids were with safely in the presence of other adults, and just give the bitch a stroke before she had a chance to do anything?

  148. owlbear1 said,

    March 8, 2010 at 14:39

    Shorter “An American Prophet” intro:

    I haz dreams. God says he likes. A nun said so too. I must be a prophet!

  149. Cerberus said,

    March 8, 2010 at 15:08

    Oi, the same old tired bullshit about whining about the literal definition implicit in the name.

    Every right-wing nutcase desperate for something, anything to make them feel smart rather than the intellectually stunted malformed offspring of a diseased cultural movement, naturally get drawn to arguments like this because they are delightfully simple affairs. Misinterpret a word devoid of knowledge about linguistics or history, apply the narrowest focus, find different answer, triumph that you’ve pulled one over on those egghead academics so obviously you win and therefore they’re wrong always and you can ignore them.

    It’s most pronounced in the climate change deniers: “if it’s global warming, hur hur, why does it get cold in winter”, but websterism has often been a tool by “anti-PC rebels” trying to prove why minority groups are the real racists, sexists, etc…

    Homophobia is an easy one, because of it’s linguistic structure implying a parity more to the clinical phobias than the “-isms”.

    But the reason the linguistic tradition as broken is a simple one. Racism comes from privilege and power based on race, Sexism based on sex. Now apply the same tradition to sexuality. Sexualitism sounds fucking retarded. It doesn’t flow well, it needs to be explained to be even understood verbally, much less definitionally, and it’s just bulky and messy. So a new word was needed, overly literal definitions have little punch, but homophobia works. It sounds good and it’s expandable for other “-isms” that are a pain in the ass by the old formula such as “transphobia” instead of “gender identitism” or “fatphobia” instead of “weightism”.

    Plus, it makes sense historically. The word gained its most traction during the Plague Years where the religious right were spreading stories about how sharing a gay man’s pen would give you AIDS. Given how still today, most of the rhetoric surrounding anti-gay movements is a fear that it is somehow a contagious disease or Amway style recruitment agency that targets children and manly Christian men who don’t spend all of their time proving their masculinity and it’s kind of hard to see the case against it being an accidentally apt term in the more vernacular sense.

    But no, they’re painfully bereft of opportunities to feel smart and ability to do any amount of critical thinking, so I suppose we’ll just have to golf-clap their feeble attempts at “getting one over on us” by doing facile analysis.

    “Durr! Durr! Thog do well! Thog show stupid liberal! Thog now more of man! Thog will have his choice of cavewomen tonight!”

    Too smart? Should I add an extra durr?

  150. Major Kong said,

    March 8, 2010 at 15:32

    “I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.”

    Susan B. Anthony

  151. Bill S said,

    March 8, 2010 at 15:34

    It started two decades before AIDS-there’s a horrible short film, made in the ’60′s, called “Boys Beware”, that warned viewers of how dangerous homosexual men are. The sole purpose of the video was to depict gay men as sick, dangerous, even homicidal individuals who prey on unsuspecting teenaged boys.To scare straight people.

  152. actor212 said,

    March 8, 2010 at 15:37

    His dreams are a message from God, which makes him a prophet, eh?

    I wonder what God’s meaning was behind the tubs of slaw and the naked ostrich?

  153. actor212 said,

    March 8, 2010 at 15:42

    I trust then that this guy keeps Kosher, keeps the Saturday Sabbath, etc. — because God doesn’t give new sets of rules and even Jesus said “I come not to change the law”, etc.

    Yes, but did God ever write rules about writing for Internet-only publications? Huh? HUH?

  154. actor212 said,

    March 8, 2010 at 15:43

    Another thing: since God’s supposed to be all powerful, he’d never have to resort to violence for any reason.

    Not exactly true: all churches submit that humans have free will to choose, and that God will merely judge us on our character. So it’s not God who chooses violence, but the people involved.

    Except, you know, when God says “vengeance is mine” and then smites an entire town.

  155. Esteev said,

    March 8, 2010 at 15:47

    Hello, Australia! How are you today! Glad to see you guys reading my comment! I wrote this while you were sleeping. Weeeeeeeeeird

  156. Scott said,

    March 8, 2010 at 15:55

    Hell, God talks to me all the time. He says, and this is a direct quote: “Michael Bresciani is a tiny-dicked molester of turkeys and a man whose sole interesting character point is the fact that his beard is dumb.”

    Goddamn, I am such a fucking prophet.

  157. Esteev said,

    March 8, 2010 at 15:55

    then smites an entire town.

    I think the Orkin man can help you out with those pesky smites.

  158. Mrs Tilton said,

    March 8, 2010 at 16:10

    Pöplikid:

    England Rugby: Where the fuck was the side that eviscerated a strong Wales XV … like a lamb before God when Ireland came to visit and killed the Grand Slam?

    Is milis an blas do chuid caoinidh, a Shasanaigh.

    Anyway, “God’s intervention with appropriate responses” clearly occurred three weeks ago when the French dismantled us in Paris. Brimstone, boils, rain of frogs: any of that would have been preferable. Fuck that nonexistent fucker sideways.

  159. actor212 said,

    March 8, 2010 at 16:20

    And did those feet in ancient time.
    Walk upon Englands mountains green sixes:

    Fixed ofr accuracy. Also.

  160. Satan In The Ninth Circle said,

    March 8, 2010 at 16:22

    Arsenal. Just sucky enough to suck against the rest of the 4Prem, doing nothing but ensuring another nail-biting humiliation against some swarthier continental club power.

    You are not alone.

    You are never alone.

    OK, break’s overrrrrrrrrrrrr, MUAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

  161. Bill S said,

    March 8, 2010 at 16:28

    If God’s the most powerful being in the universe, he has the free will to do anything. So he can either choose to be violent or not be violent. It’s always his decision.
    “You made me do that!” Bullshit. That’s the excuse of a wife-beater.

  162. actor212 said,

    March 8, 2010 at 16:43

    Bill, that’s not my point. My point is, God doesn’t care, He only judges.

  163. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    March 8, 2010 at 16:51

    Anyway, “God’s intervention with appropriate responses” clearly occurred three weeks ago when the French dismantled us in Paris. Brimstone, boils, rain of frogs:

    Reign of frogs… heh heh.

  164. Mrs Tilton said,

    March 8, 2010 at 16:55

    Or, indeed, “rain of frogs”, for values of raindrops including 20-stone Gallic forwards.

  165. actor212 said,

    March 8, 2010 at 16:59

    So Mrs T, you’re suggesting that the rain of frogs reined in England and reigned frogs?

  166. Esteev said,

    March 8, 2010 at 16:59

    20-stone Gallic forwards

    Those must be really tough to pass…

    Also, maybe S,N! readers can help me, what is all the hate that is spread in the name of something loving like god? It has to be in a book somewhere. right?

  167. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    March 8, 2010 at 17:06

    Esteev, if you want a book about loving like god, try Ovid’s Metamorphoses- sexy beats smitey any day!

  168. Esteev said,

    March 8, 2010 at 17:07

    what is all the hate that is spread in the name

    That makes no sense. I blame the rubber cement I’ve been liberally imbibing through a straw.

    “What is with all the hate…” is a tad more cogent.

  169. actor212 said,

    March 8, 2010 at 17:08

    20-stone Gallic forwards

    I see what you do there.

    Good thing they weren’t from the Kidney Islands.

  170. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    March 8, 2010 at 17:10

    Hey, anybody in the NY metro area (I’m looking at YOU actor212, and Esteev- you are from LI, no?), get your butts to Brooklyn tomorrow night for booze and SCIENCE!

    No excuses this month, actor212 (if that is your real name).

  171. Esteev said,

    March 8, 2010 at 17:10

    if you want a book

    Sorry, as I mentioned in a previous post, I’m making no sense today.

    I don’t want to read because that means I would have to think as well as form my own opinion. Just tell me what to think so I can be more like Bresciani’s readers. Thanks.

  172. Esteev said,

    March 8, 2010 at 17:13

    Esteev- you are from LI, no?

    Sadly, Yes! This sounds scary.

  173. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    March 8, 2010 at 17:14

    I don’t want to read because that means I would have to think as well as form my own opinion. Just tell me what to think so I can be more like Bresciani’s readers. Thanks

    You often mention huffing rubber cement in your posts… just keep doing what you’re doing, and the volatile compounds will do their work.

  174. actor212 said,

    March 8, 2010 at 17:15

    I have to wash my hair.

    After I buy some.

  175. Esteev said,

    March 8, 2010 at 17:15

    Good thing they weren’t from the Kidney Islands.

    Sorry actor, I beat you to the kidney stone joke already!

  176. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    March 8, 2010 at 17:17

    Sadly, Yes! This sounds scary.

    The scariest part of it is that Dr LeDoux, in a previous lecture, let us know that the concept of the “limbic system” is outdated- UNLEARN! UNLEARN!

  177. actor212 said,

    March 8, 2010 at 17:17

    Sorry actor, I beat you to the kidney stone joke already!

    Then I take the original GALL(ic) STONES joke and claim victory!

    MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAH!!!!!!!!!!!

  178. Esteev said,

    March 8, 2010 at 17:17

    You often mention huffing rubber cement in your posts… just keep doing what you’re doing, and the volatile compounds will do their work.

    Hoooraaayy!! *nose bleeding*

  179. actor212 said,

    March 8, 2010 at 17:18

    Oh sure, some “doctor” named “LeDOOSH” would love to see our cherished scientific beliefs overturned, just cuz he’s “Le DOOSH”!

  180. Esteev said,

    March 8, 2010 at 17:22

    UNLEARN! UNLEARN!

    That sounds like the perfect slogan for Ruhnoo Murku.

  181. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    March 8, 2010 at 17:28

    Now, actor, what are you afraid of? Do you have an overactive amygdala?

  182. owlbear1 said,

    March 8, 2010 at 17:31

    Apparently, Michael also has proof he is a prophet of god because he has called himself a prophet of god and god hasn’t struck him down for saying he is a prophet of god therefore he is obviously a prophet of god.

    Michael is also honest and honest people only tell the truth and since he is honest everything he says is the truth which further proves he is a prophet of god.

    That type of logic can make you a billionaire.

  183. actor212 said,

    March 8, 2010 at 17:37

    Do you have an overactive amygdala?

    The Bulgarian maid is a bit OCD, yes.

  184. Sirius Lunacy said,

    March 8, 2010 at 17:39

    If pöplikid can rant about funny little games that furriners play then I will do a celebratory jig. After all, my Bulldogs are in the grand final! Sure, it’s just the NAB cup and St Kilda look unbeatable at the moment, but I’ll take what I can get. Also, despite a disappointing loss in their last regular season game that dropped them into third place, the Växjö Lakers are in the playoffs. And niether of these teams will have to face the French Reign of Frogs.

  185. actor212 said,

    March 8, 2010 at 17:41

    Sirius Lunacy said,
    March 8, 2010 at 17:39

    OK, now you’re just making shit up….

  186. tigrismus said,

    March 8, 2010 at 17:41

    Okay, that was paragraph one, right from the get-go, he’s pissed at shameless prevarication.

    Don’t forget the narcissistic victim-mongering and gender-bashing which he also hates hates hates!

  187. edguardo said,

    March 8, 2010 at 17:41

    Another good book is The God Delusion.

  188. Esteev said,

    March 8, 2010 at 17:48

    Speaking of the NY Metro area, isn’t Newsday great?

  189. TruculentandUnreliable said,

    March 8, 2010 at 17:51

    Sarah Palin went to Canada to get health care?!? How did she survive them death panels?

  190. Mrs Tilton said,

    March 8, 2010 at 17:52

    An (apparent) Aussie refers to the fifteen-man code as “a funny little game that furriners play”? Someone’s from west of the Barassi line, it seems…

  191. actor212 said,

    March 8, 2010 at 17:55

    How did she survive them death panels?

    Her next litter will be named “Zombie”

  192. Esteev said,

    March 8, 2010 at 17:59

    Sarah Palin went to Canada to get health care?!?

    The picture of her in that article is ludicrous. But, compared to Leno, Palin is a RIOT.

  193. Sirius Lunacy said,

    March 8, 2010 at 18:05

    An (apparent) Aussie refers to the fifteen-man code as “a funny little game that furriners play”? Someone’s from west of the Barassi line, it seems…

    Far enough west of the Barassi line to be considered east of it. Also west of the Maginot line but south of the Mason-Dixon but closer to the Tropic of Cancer.

  194. Pere Ubu said,

    March 8, 2010 at 18:07

    She joked that her distinctive accent means she’s often mistaken for Canadian and that she has two great-grandfathers from Canada, including one from Moose Jaw, Sask.

    “That must be where my love of moose came from,” she said to laughter and applause.

    from MoooSE JAW!

    (anyone else ever seen The Apple?)

  195. Steerpike said,

    March 8, 2010 at 18:10

    “Is God willing to prevent evil teh ghey, but not able?
    Then he is not omnipotent a real man.
    Is he able, but not willing?
    Then he is malevolent a big pansy.
    Is he both able and willing?
    Then whence cometh evil Ru Paul?
    Is he neither able nor willing?
    Then why call him God Butch?”

    –Epicurus, fixed for Bresciani justice

  196. ajaye said,

    March 8, 2010 at 18:12

    I get why he doesn’t like teh gayz, but why so harsh about witches, warlocks and atheists? I mean, Harry Potter has proven once and for all that witches and warlocks are cool. And Madeleine is dead, God rest her soul, and there couldn’t be a more obnoxious atheist as she was still alive, so atheists can’t be much of a problem anymore.

    But everything else in the essay was logical, coherent, Correctly Politically Incorrect, cogent, rational, analytically sound, entirely error proof, beautifully written and Jesus approved. But only on opposite day.

  197. mysticdog said,

    March 8, 2010 at 18:16

    “At the bar today, apropos nothing, the dude next to me started complaining about how he can’t watch teevee any more because all White Men are portrayed as emasculated, bumbling idiots.”

    What happened to the days when TV was happy to show strong manly men who weren’t afraid to threaten their wives with a punch to the face?

  198. actor212 said,

    March 8, 2010 at 18:17

    I understand the mind of God perfectly, and no one else does. So, fuck you.

    I sometimes like to imagine Jesus sitting up in heaven, drinking a wine with Peter and the disciples, and upon hearing idiots like Bresciani saying, “This one’s going to be fun casting down into the Abyss.”

  199. actor212 said,

    March 8, 2010 at 18:18

    “At the bar today, apropos nothing, the dude next to me started complaining about how he can’t watch teevee any more because all White Men are portrayed as emasculated, bumbling idiots.”

    It’s odd how he picked up on that, while the rest of us penile-enhanced beings noticed that men are portrayed as idiots most of the time.

  200. Sirius Lunacy said,

    March 8, 2010 at 18:21

    What happened to the days when TV was happy to show strong manly men who weren’t afraid to threaten their wives with a punch to the face?

    Real manly men don’t threaten their wives. They go to sea.

  201. Sirius Lunacy said,

    March 8, 2010 at 18:23

    Dammit!!! The go to sea!

  202. Sirius Lunacy said,

    March 8, 2010 at 18:24

    Oh , heck with it… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-m-xZ4gz4MM

  203. Esteev said,

    March 8, 2010 at 18:35

    Is there no justice in the world with people like Bresciani writing things for the whole world to see and the NY Times giving journalistic chest bumps to the National Enquirer?
    Luckily, not as many people see the Times as they do Bresciani .

  204. Esteev said,

    March 8, 2010 at 18:42

    Furthermore, it is a sad commentary when you read the Speed Read, and the entire thing consists of nonsense. Nothing insignificant in March 8th Speed Read, just the Hardest Hitting, Important, Essential things you need to know: 1. a video tape not involving aliens by the Nat’n Enquirer 2.More money for TeeVee 3. Incalculable dumbness AKA the Oscars 4. I give up and there are only three left..

  205. Esteev said,

    March 8, 2010 at 18:47

    One last thing, because I seem to have been left alone in the boat:

    The New, New Hotness.

  206. Pere Ubu said,

    March 8, 2010 at 18:52

    MeeeeeWWWWWWSE JAAW!

  207. Substance McGravitas said,

    March 8, 2010 at 18:53

    K-Lo:

    And only 19 senators ultimately objected to the continued deficit spending.

    They should just wait to spend any money until the tax revenue catches up.

  208. Pere Ubu said,

    March 8, 2010 at 18:54

    By the by, if Failin’ Palin’s so goddamned popular with these Canuck asshats, why the fuck don’t they take her in and keep her?

    Call it a Kulturkampf Exchange Program.

  209. Steerpike said,

    March 8, 2010 at 18:56

    Palin’s standup routine was such a hit, she thought, “hey, I should quit my day job!” Then she realized she already did that. (H/T Borowitz)

  210. Esteev said,

    March 8, 2010 at 18:59

    They should just wait to spend any money until the tax revenue catches up.

    But we have a deficit so we need tax cuts, duhh!

    Also, Tintin, you don’t mention that the photo of Bresciani is undoctored. Am I correct?

  211. Substance McGravitas said,

    March 8, 2010 at 19:02

    By the by, if Failin’ Palin’s so goddamned popular with these Canuck asshats

    These are rich guys in Calgary, centre of the oil industry. Coincidentally, a bunch of Americans work there.

  212. Sirius Lunacy said,

    March 8, 2010 at 19:03

    Shorter K-lo

    Bunning is a hero for attemting to deny unemployment benefits for Americans who need them because the Federal Government is so strapped for cash right now. In fact, the Federal Government is so strapped for cash that Scott Brown is also a hero for introducing legislation that would return upwards of $80 billion in unused stimulus funds to taxpayers over six months, in the form of a payroll-tax cut.

  213. Esteev said,

    March 8, 2010 at 19:05

    Shorter K-lo

    Thanks for the shorter. I couldn’t read it because I was so enchanted by the way K-Lo’s forehead appears to grow.

  214. TruculentandUnreliable said,

    March 8, 2010 at 19:09

    It’s totally like rain on your wedding day.

  215. The Goddamn Batman Will Not Get Out Of The Batboat, Which Doubles As A Bat-Submarine And Also Makes An Excellent Shot Of Espresso, With Crema Like Milk From The Virgin Mary's Breasts said,

    March 8, 2010 at 19:11

    Yeah, I won’t bother checking out Renude Jamoca, since every single thing I’ve read there, without exception, reads like it was written with the writer’s left thumb securely corked in their mouth at all times. (You don’t want to know where they usually keep the other thumb corked, although I’m sure that you can probably guess.)

  216. J— said,

    March 8, 2010 at 19:14

    Speaking of religion, it’s Monday, which means Ross Douthat is at it again, this time longing for the cloister.

  217. Pere Ubu said,

    March 8, 2010 at 19:24

    longing for the cloister

    Beautiful plumage, tho.

  218. tigrismus said,

    March 8, 2010 at 19:37

    KLo: “The federal government doesn’t have the money for them: It has to borrow to make these payments.”

    OH NOES! What an unprecedented occurrence! Jesus, lady, wtf do you think bonds, t-bills, etc are? Nice to see that at long last after 8 years of Bush off-budget spending is finally an issue for Republicans, though.

    These are rich guys in Calgary, centre of the oil industry. Coincidentally, a bunch of Americans work there.

    Sure, but there are wacky conservative Canadians, too: Five Feet of Fruitcake, anyone?

  219. Esteev said,

    March 8, 2010 at 19:43

    Can you hate that people hate you for hating them because of the hate you extend to them through their hate? And if so, are you still hateful?

  220. Substance McGravitas said,

    March 8, 2010 at 19:45

    Sure, but there are wacky conservative Canadians, too: Five Feet of Fruitcake, anyone?

    Shaidle doesn’t even live in Alberta, which makes her craziness even more isolating.

  221. tigrismus said,

    March 8, 2010 at 19:47

    Ha, Douthat doesn’t even give meat up for Lent, just meat at lunch, and yet he’s going to tut-tut about waning asceticism? Also, I don’t agree that experiencing the numinous is the primary goal of religion, unless you are a totally self-centered asshole. Um, yeah, so never mind.

  222. Pere Ubu said,

    March 8, 2010 at 19:48

    Sure, but there are wacky conservative Canadians, too

    Enough to gather in one place for a suitable Palin audience? Eeep.

    Then again, given her run with McCain, I’m sure she’s become used to speaking to empty houses.

  223. PeeJ said,

    March 8, 2010 at 19:51

    We kan haz nu tred plz?

    kthxbai

  224. Steerpike said,

    March 8, 2010 at 19:53

    Hey, can’t we have a new Monday thread? Please? We promise to train it and pick up after it and walk it every day, honest!

  225. tigrismus said,

    March 8, 2010 at 19:53

    Shaidle doesn’t even live in Alberta, which makes her craziness even more isolating.

    I went to dinner in Calgary with some friends, and they wanted to argue how great Bush was, how necessary torture was, and what wise policy the PATRIOT Act was. They were Torontonians and appeared sane in every other respect, so I figured it was something in the water and ordered beer instead. Shaidle maybe has it piped in special?

  226. Steerpike said,

    March 8, 2010 at 19:54

    great minds roll in parallel gutter, peej

  227. Substance McGravitas said,

    March 8, 2010 at 19:54

    Enough to gather in one place for a suitable Palin audience?

    I’m sure of it. Bush spoke in Calgary too. Seeing a failed president cost almost three times as much as a quitter governor.

  228. Martian Buddy said,

    March 8, 2010 at 19:56

    If I had a dollar for every conservative I’ve heard say that — sarcastically — about Republican senator Jim Bunning of Kentucky, I could easily buy lunch at the D.C. Caucus Room restaurant — and keep the wine flowing.

    “Secret daytime drinking? Fuck that, I’m out and proud!”

  229. Substance McGravitas said,

    March 8, 2010 at 19:59

    They were Torontonians

    Now that is just sad.

  230. Marion in Savannah said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:04

    It’s about time that Pope Putz I joined the Trappists and STFU.

  231. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:05

    Now that is just sad.

    Thanks.

  232. PeeJ said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:05

    Axiom: In Euclidean space, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.

    PeeJ’s lemma: The shortest distance bewteen two minds is a gutter.

  233. Esteev said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:07

    How about someone, with some time on their hands, translate an entire renoo merrika article into lolcat! Now that would be some interesting reading.

  234. PeeJ said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:07

    Meanwhile, in Florida, be afraid of teh ghey!

    FYWP. Also.

  235. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:13

    How about someone, with some time on their hands, translate an entire renoo merrika article into lolcat!

    Your wish is my command.

  236. Esteev said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:15

    Your wish is my command.

    Yes! Thanks DK! I am complete.

  237. Paul T. Lazaro said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:15

    Meanwhile, in Florida, be afraid of teh ghey!

    FYWP. Also.

    So “The Charlie Crist Story” will have to be filmed elsewhere….

  238. Substance McGravitas said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:16

    Your wish is my command.

    World peace please. And a pack of gum.

  239. actor212 said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:16

    Ha, Douthat doesn’t even give meat up for Lent, just meat at lunch, and yet he’s going to tut-tut about waning asceticism?

    He gave up Chunky Reeses.

  240. actor212 said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:17

    Your wish is my command.

    Holy shit! I get it now! I get what he’s trying to say!

  241. Esteev said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:18

    how about someone, with some time on their hands the ability to copy and paste, translate an entire renoo merrika article into lolcat!

    That’s more accurate.

  242. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:21

    re: Palin in Calgary
    Could someone please explain this:

    About half of the 1,200 people in attendance gave Palin a standing ovation.

    Srsly, WTF is half a standing ovation?

  243. Willy said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:21

    Tintin notes the mangy wookie has written a book. That used to mean something.

    Before the intertoobular-enabled self-publishing thing kicked in, wookie would have had to stand by the train terminal handing out his screed in stacks of mimeographed, handwritten pages.

    Crazy was localized before computers. Every village had its idiot. Today, the internet is the Wal-Mart of Idiocy – bringing the crazy in bulk, edging out the local entrepreneur.

    Now when someone tells me they are writing/have written a book, my first inclination is to think they’re fucking nuts.

  244. Paul T. Lazaro said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:22

    Jeremy Piven IS Florida Governor Crist in : Charlie Crist: Tallahassee Sass

  245. Steerpike said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:27

    State representative Stephen Precourt, whose district includes Disney World, says the purpose of the credit is to encourage movies to depict cinematic life from the 1960s. “Think of it as like Mayberry,” Precourt told the Palm Beach Post News. “That’s when I grew up — the ’60s. That’s what life was like. I want Florida to be known for making those kinds of movies: Disney movies for kids and all that stuff. Like it used to be, you know?”

    I think maybe he meant the 1660′s

  246. actor212 said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:29

    Tintin notes the mangy wookie has written a book. That used to mean something.

    And then Arnold Alkon got his hands on “books” and nothing was ever the same

  247. actor212 said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:30

    Srsly, WTF is half a standing ovation?

    One hand fapping.

  248. actor212 said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:31

    I want Florida to be known for making those kinds of movies: Disney movies for kids and all that stuff. Like it used to be, you know?”

    I’m sure Mark Foley stands behind this 100% proudly.

  249. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:31

    World peace please. And a pack of gum.

    Are you sure – world peace can be pretty fucking annoying

  250. tigrismus said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:36

    I thought the 60′s were supposed to be all drugged-out sexy time? Plus, I really think there were gay people then, too.

  251. actor212 said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:36

    Plus, I really think there were gay people then, too.

    No way!

    Liberace just had daring fashion sense!

  252. Pere Ubu said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:37

    WTF is half a standing ovation?

    A squatting ovation?

  253. tigrismus said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:38

    Srsly, WTF is half a standing ovation?

    The other half is squat.

  254. tigrismus said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:39

    GODDAMMIT.

  255. Substance McGravitas said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:40

    I thought the 60’s were supposed to be all drugged-out sexy time?

    I can assure you they were all about wanting Billy Blastoff toys.

  256. pedestrian said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:40

    “Think of it as like Mayberry,” Precourt told the Palm Beach Post News. “That’s when I grew up — the ’60s. That’s what life was like.

    Precourt and Mayberry must have both lived in that “South in the 60s” parallel universe that looked just like our own, save one detail

  257. Pere Ubu said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:42

    I can assure you they were all about wanting Billy Blastoff toys.

    I preferred Major Matt Mason, personally.

  258. PeeJ said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:44

    The other half is diddlysquat.

    Fexxeded for gutter correctness.

  259. Substance McGravitas said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:47

    The sixties were all about The Oakland Seals.

  260. Smut Clyde said,

    March 8, 2010 at 20:48

    Srsly, WTF is half a standing ovation?

    The appropriate reception for a Zen master.

  261. commie atheist said,

    March 8, 2010 at 21:08

    Srsly, WTF is half a standing ovation?

    A half-assed ovation?

    Cuz, see, half of them were standing, and the other half were still sittin’ on they asses. Geddit?

    Thanks, I’ll be here all weak. Try the larks’ tongues in arsenic, and don’t forget to goose your waiter.

  262. Pere Ubu said,

    March 8, 2010 at 21:28

    Try the larks’ tongues in arsenic

    Judging from the front page of today’s local fishwrap, DHEC (our state health agency) has given the green light to dump as much arsenic in our water as you care to. So I’m envisioning going into pre-arsenic-cured lark’s tongues, seeing as we’ll all be well-preserved that way soon.

  263. actor212 said,

    March 8, 2010 at 21:38

    Could make for some interesting spice combinations: arsenic, arsenic and salt….arsenic and old mace.

  264. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    March 8, 2010 at 21:50

    “Think of it as like Mayberry,” Precourt told the Palm Beach Post News. “That’s when I grew up — the ’60s. That’s what life was like.

    Precourt and Mayberry must have both lived in that “South in the 60s” parallel universe that looked just like our own, save one detail

    I always thought this Mayberry resident was, you know…

  265. Whale Chowder said,

    March 8, 2010 at 22:40

    Sarah Palin went to Canada…half a standing ovation

    As our northern brethren (of whatever gender) will tell you, Alberta is Wingnut Central in Canada. They love them some Super Sarah because she was all supportive of their desire to run a natural gas pipeline down to the tar sands so’s they could more efficiently rape harvest the natural resources there.

    Their wealth depends on them not “understanding” that extracting oil from tar sands has ruined watersheds all across northern Canada, pumps tons of carbon and other pollutants into the air and then, once refined, is sent to America to do it all again.

    Of course they love Sarah.

  266. actor212 said,

    March 8, 2010 at 22:56

    I always thought this Mayberry resident was, you know…

    A Gomersexual?

  267. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    March 8, 2010 at 23:22

    A Gomersexual?

    Well played!

  268. tones said,

    March 9, 2010 at 0:34

    I can only think of Dr Gene Scott looking at that picture , where is the cigar ?

    ” Get on the phones”

  269. tommo said,

    March 10, 2010 at 23:09

    God doesn’t lie. Look, it says so right here: “I shalt not lie to thee.”

    There you go, proof.

    And teh fact that teh gays destroying the nation, how can you call that fear of teh gays?

  270. ian said,

    March 11, 2010 at 14:14

    We trust the God who cannot lie, not to change his mind…
    That would be the same god who told Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac then sent an angel to rescind the order.

  271. AKKAD PEST CONTROL SERVICES said,

    March 12, 2012 at 17:24

    great , ould make for some interesting spice combinations: arsenic, arsenic and salt

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