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Bradrocket Has a New Hero
It takes a lot for me to call someone a hero. When I was 9, my hero was Pee Wee Herman, and let’s just say that didn’t turn out so good. My subsequent hero selections, including O.J. Simpson, Barry Bonds and Bill O’Reilly, all turned out to be somewhat disappointing as well. So you can understand why I’m so reluctant to label anyone “heroic” in this deeply cynical age: at best, I’ll be painfully disillusioned, and at worst, I’ll be bombarded with lurid tales of Middle Eastern foods.
That said, I think it’s time to crank up the ol’ Bette Midler record, because this guy will go down as the greatest hero in the history of the universe:
A south Toledo man is using a replica of the Statue of Liberty to let the world know his thoughts on illegal immigration.  Art Bollinger says he got this idea from an e-mail he received, and decided to duplicate the picture.
From the front, you can see the Statue of Liberty. From behind, it shows Lady Liberty’s behind, in a thong bikini. The nearby sign says “Kiss my American Ass.”
Bollinger tells News 11 he will accept anyone into this country as long as they come here legally, but he has no patience for those who sneak in.  ”You don’t have rights. You are here illegally,” said Bollinger of the people who cross the border without permission. “If I break the law, I go to prison. You break the law and the American government says they’ll kiss your behind. No. That’s ridiculous.”
I love how this guy is from Toledo. I dunno if any of you have driven through Toledo before, but it’s easily the worst place in the entire North American continent, if not the world. It’s also the reason I’m completely unfazed by Evangelical ministers who use the fear of fire and brimstone to convert me to Christianity- all I have to tell them is, “I been to Toledo, BEEE-YOTCH!!” and they’ll back away slowly, muttering some nonsense about “seven seals”  and “four horsemen.”
 
Above: Luvly downtown Toledo. Note the sign that reads, “Ass City Marathon.” Nothing could be more appropriate.
Bollinger says his wife is from Russia and he had to jump through all kinds of hoops and pay for the process of her becoming a US citizen.  He feels everyone else should do the same.
You guys are thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’, right?
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digamma said,
May 30, 2006 at 15:55
I do not agree with his ideas, but he has a pretty awesome way of expressing them.
g said,
May 30, 2006 at 16:17
Now that’s Klassy.
OSL8 said,
May 30, 2006 at 16:34
Toledo is a one tank trip for me and I would love to get my picture taken with that monstrosity. I’m seriously considering a pilgramage.
BinkyBoy said,
May 30, 2006 at 16:40
Just remember, today they come for your gardener, tomorrow they come for your pool cleaner, and the day after that, they come for you.
Dan Someone said,
May 30, 2006 at 16:50
I have been through Toledo only on train rides from Boston to Chicago and points west, and I have to say, the desolate, cracked concrete of the platforms I saw, combined with the grey-brown haze on the horizon, made the placed seem like a post-apocalypse location from The Road Warrior. I never felt the urge to get off the train and explore even the train station.
tigrismus said,
May 30, 2006 at 16:50
Lady Liberty has the worst ass-cellulite I’ve ever seen, it’s like cottage cheese bisected by a string. That is one statue who should NOT be wearing a thong in public.
His Grace said,
May 30, 2006 at 16:57
Give us your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free
oh and btw.. Kiss My American Ass.
Mal de mer said,
May 30, 2006 at 16:58
What a coincidence. I just read “A Foreign Affair : On the Great Ukrainian Bride Hunt” in this month’s Harper’s and I’ve been creeped out all morning. All one huge, seamless pathology, isn’t it? Alienating urban environment, poor socialisation and difficulty with initimacy = head’s a-poppin’.
Anyway, what happened to that plan to send Lady Liberty back to France?
Sherman said,
May 30, 2006 at 17:01
That’s very un-Lady Libertylike.
That girl so scandalous … That thong th thong thong thong.
Chuck said,
May 30, 2006 at 17:02
I think there are more transsexuals in Toledo than illegal immigrants. In fact, excluding Cincinnati and Cleveland, Ohio is so white it looks blue up-close; like a cat’s skin.
Why do the biggest anti-immigrant loons live in the lily whitest of places?
bilzim said,
May 30, 2006 at 17:21
You mean it’s worse than YOUNGSTOWN?
No MSG said,
May 30, 2006 at 17:34
I like how he’s not afraid to tell the world his ass is wrinkly and he wears a thong. I can’t wait til I’m that old and so insensitive to reproach I can expose all my own dark dirty little secrets to the public eye.
mikeg said,
May 30, 2006 at 17:35
Let’s make a deal with the Republicans: no Constitutional amendment against flag-burning until that guy tows his statute across the country with his nutsack.
mikeg said,
May 30, 2006 at 17:36
Make that “statue”. I hate being a lawyer.
Brad R. said,
May 30, 2006 at 17:40
If the right really wanted to get rid of illegal immigrants, they’d adopt the following plan:
Anyone here illegally will be granted full amnesty, as long as they move to Toledo.
They’d be running back across the border in no time.
Brad R. said,
May 30, 2006 at 17:42
You mean it’s worse than YOUNGSTOWN?
Youngstown. Yeah, that’s a tough one. Especially since it was the per capita murder capital for… four years? Six? I’m not sure.
But Toledo is Toledo, man. I can’t really explain it much more than that.
Tak, the Hideous New Girl said,
May 30, 2006 at 17:45
What is the procedure for revoking my citizenship? This has pushed me over the edge.
I’d like to relocate to Vienna, but I’m not picky.
jpj said,
May 30, 2006 at 18:09
American Ass? Didn’t Bill Murray teach us the truth about Lady Liberty in GHOSTBUSTERS II? “She’s French, you know.”
dbati said,
May 30, 2006 at 18:24
Love the fact that his wife is from Russia. I’m sure he met her while he was doing post-graduate thesis study at the NASA station out near Toledo. She was probably that hot exchange student/scientist that looked nerdy in her thick glasses, white lab coat with her hair in a bun. But when she pulled the pencil out of her hair, the tresses came flowing down over her shoulders and the glasses were replaced with contacts…va va voom.
Or, he ordered her from a catalog, like the rest of the male shut-ins, too afraid to experience the world due to an overwhelming fear terra.
So happy to live in this crap-hole of a state.
Vladi G said,
May 30, 2006 at 18:34
Actually, I’m pretty sure the sign says “Glass City Marathon”. Whatever. Toledo has some pretty decent areas to it. My sister lives in that are, so I go there more often than I’d prefer, but when you drive through Gary and Hammond to get there, it seems downright cosmopolitan.
Hysterical Woman said,
May 30, 2006 at 18:39
The Statue of Liberty is a French mail-order bride of America.
liberalsouth said,
May 30, 2006 at 19:22
oh lord. why are the people screaming for racial and national purity always the most shining examples of humanity (heh) possible? greg proops: “those guys always saying ‘the white race is the most superior.’ whoa, dude, you’ve got gills. you should date around, is what you should do. take a refreshing dip in the gene pool.”
Tom Allen said,
May 30, 2006 at 19:24
Wait a second. Toledo? Isn’t Toledo in (gasp!) Spain?
Before it emigrated, of course.
J. Brida said,
May 30, 2006 at 19:31
In Bizarro World, Statue of Liberty scare immigrants! Big wall built on border say “Welcome to America”!
ortho_bob said,
May 30, 2006 at 19:43
I always wondered why they picked Toledo for Corporal Klinger’s home town on M*A*S*H.
dAVE said,
May 30, 2006 at 19:55
Well, to be fair, the Statue of Liberty is what immigrants on incoming ships would see before being processed at Ellis Island. He’s just a stickler for paperwork, is all.
Just to stir things up a little:
As a Californian who works with a lot of Mexican dudes, there are some cultural traits of Mexican men that disturb me. Of course, these are generalizations, and the guys do tend to mellow out over time. But, that’s here in the Bay Area.
Equality for women is completely foreign to them. They also have the Madonna/Whore complex, big time.
Homophobic.
Don’t like black people very much. (or Asians, for that matter)
generally anti-choice
Highly religious
As a liberal, is it really in my best interests to have millions of people with these values coming into the country?
Just sayin’.
John said,
May 30, 2006 at 20:11
Actually, Toledo was about a quarter black at the time of the 2000 census. So not lilly white.
J. Brida said,
May 30, 2006 at 20:30
Yeah that fucking Diego Rivera was a goddamn Falangalist.
Look, it’s simple PoliSci 101. Remember, the Irish when they came over weren’t exactly vanguard of enlightenment either. Register ‘em, give ‘em jobs and make them Democrats first, that is, if you want to have a Democratic majority (and to counter your ancedotal generalization, the Mexicans I know are tolerant, hardworking, socialists.).
Doug said,
May 30, 2006 at 20:43
I don’t agree with the political statement (of sorts) the guy’s trying to make, but it involves a woman wearing a thong, so it gets my preliminary stamp of approval.
Gratis said,
May 30, 2006 at 20:57
You mean it’s worse than YOUNGSTOWN?
Nothing, I repeat nothing is worse than Youngstown. Of course, recently, Canton seems to be getting just as bad. So, so sad.
I’m so proud that we have our very own Statue of the Big Assed Liberty, though. I’m joining OSL8 on a pilgrimage so that I may bow to the greatness that is her thong. That may be better than a ride through Amish country.
dAVE said,
May 30, 2006 at 21:17
I never said they weren’t hardworking and/or socialist.
Kathleen said,
May 30, 2006 at 21:33
this is awesome. Enjoy: “Cordless jump-rope can help the clumsy ” .. “All that’s left is two handles, so you jump over the pretend rope.”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060530/ap_on_he_me/fitness_cordless_jump_rope
there is a metaphor in here for wingnuts and Prez Bush, but I am too lazy to make it. I am only going to pretend to make it.
gjdodger said,
May 30, 2006 at 21:58
If the right really wanted to get rid of illegal immigrants, they’d adopt the following plan:
Anyone here illegally will be granted full amnesty, as long as they move to Toledo.
They’d be running back across the border in no time.
Toledo does have a nice zoo.
I always wondered why they picked Toledo for Corporal Klinger’s home town on M*A*S*H.
Because Jamie Farr is from there. He hosts a golf tournament there every year. It was cool when he wore “Mudhen” paraphernalia on M*A*S*H
I was told a strange tale about another rather dismal place, Waterloo, Iowa. A local meatpacker couldn’t find enough people willing to do that kind of work for that kind of money, and sought recent American emigres. The leader of the Bosnian community in Chicago was brought in, in hopes he could convince his countrymen to relocate to the west; afterward, he smiled, and told his hosts he may very well be able to do so. Waterloo, he advised them, reminded him a great deal of Bosnia.
flounder said,
May 30, 2006 at 22:05
Shorter Bolliinger:
Less Mexicans, more mail order brides!
sa rose said,
May 30, 2006 at 22:05
Usually I feel guilty about living in a gated neighborhood that enforces all kinds of fascist rules.
Not after seeing Lady Liberty’s Ass in a Thong.
nolo said,
May 30, 2006 at 22:46
There are a lot of migrant workers in the Toledo area, believe it or not. Plus, an immigration rally held in Toledo back in April had the freepers all stirred up.. Want to bet on whether Mr. Thongboy was one of the foaming masses?
ahem said,
May 30, 2006 at 23:09
What a coincidence. I just read “A Foreign Affair : On the Great Ukrainian Bride Hunt� in this month’s Harper’s and I’ve been creeped out all morning.
It’s a great piece: I loved how the author managed to tap into the psyche of the men on those trips: whore in the bedroom, slave in the kitchen. I do hope that Natasha or Ludmilla doesn’t end up shot dead and under the floorboards.
One thing to say about Toledo: it was the local paper which uncovered the whole GOP coin-dealing scandal. As opposed to, say, the Washington freakin’ Post.
BlueDot said,
May 30, 2006 at 23:27
You’ve obviously never been to El Paso.
Pastor Maker said,
May 31, 2006 at 0:08
“Road Warrior”? It’s “Mad Max 2″, you cultural appropriator. “Mad Max 2″, got it?
(: Tom :) said,
May 31, 2006 at 3:32
Hysterical Woman said,May 30, 2006 at 6:39 pm
The Statue of Liberty is a French mail-order bride of America.
Hahahahahaha! The Statue of Liberty is one of the original French mail-order brides of America, for sure. But she was given to us freely, right? And it’s awful funny how, with all of these problems with France, a naturalized French chick like that never gets her patriotism questioned…
Plus – having been to Youngstown and Toledo* (in fact, having had friends who even lived in each city**. On purpose. I kid you not.), I would have to say that, although they are close, Rochester and/or North Tonowanda, NY should be placed slightly lower (higher?) in the hierarchy. Especially in winter. I cannot vouch for (against?) Waterloo, Iowa.
* – the local joke goes: Michigan and Ohio fought over Toledo. Ohio lost..
** – different sets of people inhabited each town seperately. I know of no human who could withstand prolonged exposure to both of those environments in a single lifetime.
Profbacon said,
May 31, 2006 at 8:24
I`m a Toledoan and…yeah. We used to make Jeeps, and glass. After Jamie Farr, our second most famous celebrity is Katie Holms. We are vary proud of our automobile, glass, and beard exports.
ironranger said,
May 31, 2006 at 16:28
If he is mad now about the $ & hoops he had to go through to get us citizenship for his russian wife, just think of how steamed he is going to be when he has to do it again. In the local paper from my low populaton area, of the list of 20 or so recent divorces, two dissolved were between american men & their russian brides.
Linnaeus said,
May 31, 2006 at 16:28
Toledo does have a pretty decent art museum as well as the Mud Hens. I can think of quite a few worse places.
But this guy is just off the scale.
Tom Vazzano said,
May 31, 2006 at 22:55
Ha ass city marithon, that’s just funny. Na toledo sounds scarey, as about as scarey as my father trying to convert me to christananity, and the GOP every single time i go home…sheeesh.
kobie said,
June 1, 2006 at 1:21
I’m from Rochester and I can vouch that during the winter, it’s pretty bad. However, Elmira and Rome, two other cities in New York, are the armpit and asshole of the country by any estimation.
Marq said,
June 1, 2006 at 6:57
TOLEDO?!? Oooooh–! I’m dyyyyyyyyying!!1!
ohgrl98 said,
June 2, 2006 at 2:03
Toledo as hellhole? Sadly, no! Sure it has its share of rabid pasty-skinned cobagz who use their deerskinnin’ knife to carve tremendously bad statues, but it does have its good points (like not being in Michigan).
Toledo is much more liberal than most of Ohio. When you look at the 2004 election map, that little island of blue in the red sea is Lucas county, home of Toledo.
Now if you really want to scare those Evan ministers, tell them you grew up in Fulton county, Toledo’s neighbor. Gets ‘em every time.
Anonymous said,
November 25, 2009 at 17:34
i agree 100%