Feb
11

The Anchoress Makes Veiled P*n*s Reference*




Posted at 15:23 by Tintin

Shorter Sister Elizabeth Mary Magdalene Immaculata Scalia, O.C., The Anchoress
Global Recession & Low Birthrate

  • Rubbers, not bankers, caused the financial crisis.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™


*For more penis, go read Flaccid Hollywood’s John Nolte who apparently thinks that teabagging and cocksucking are the same thing — no, John, the cock and the balls are different things — and who says he is sorry that Roger Ebert’s treatment for thyroid cancer, which left Ebert unable to speak, didn’t also leave him unable to type.

78 Comments »

  1. El Cid said,

    February 11, 2010 at 15:30

    I got yer bailout right here, baby.

  2. Rusty Shackleford said,

    February 11, 2010 at 15:41

    Benedictus? Benny doesn’t even know us!

  3. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    February 11, 2010 at 15:44

    I used to be disgusted
    ~

  4. Pere Ubu said,

    February 11, 2010 at 15:44

    Wait, I thought the dark Satanic Mooslimish hordes were breeding like evil rabbits who eat carrots of hatred.

  5. Rusty Shackleford said,

    February 11, 2010 at 15:47

    Pere, the Vatican is only talking about the Western world. That doesn’t include Muslims no matter where they’re born.

  6. Michael G. said,

    February 11, 2010 at 15:59

    It’s good to see this site coming back its core values.

  7. LittlePig said,

    February 11, 2010 at 16:00

    Ain’t getting off the boat. No way, no how, no sir.

  8. Rusty Shackleford said,

    February 11, 2010 at 16:03

    How many economic units has the Anchoress produced?

  9. Pere Ubu said,

    February 11, 2010 at 16:05

    Pere, the Vatican is only talking about the Western world

    Oh, so Ann Choress is only referring to the problem of WHITE people not breeding fast enough, gotcha.

  10. Jennifer said,

    February 11, 2010 at 16:09

    Not to nitpick, but you forgot to put PENIS in all caps.

  11. Dhalgren said,

    February 11, 2010 at 16:09

    Tired of these arguments from the irrational Catholic right. You see them all the time over at Jill Stanek’s site (she’s a former nurse, and a Catholic, and thinks she knows more than doctors, because, um, yeah). Their first argument is that overpopulation is a myth, because her commenters post photos of Manitoban plains, the Outback, and California deserts. Their second argument is that if we pro-aborts didn’t kill so many fetuses, the USA would have many more consumers spending their money at Wal Mart and keeping this economy afloat.

    It’s quite a side show.

  12. zombie rotten mcdonald said,

    February 11, 2010 at 16:16

    there’s a bilboard on the side of a truck near here that says something along the lines of “40,000,000 aborted babies will never pay social Security”

    Since there aren’t 40,000,000 more jobs out there, they wouldn’t be paying Social Security if they HADN’T been aborted either. Sickness and Starvation is so much more humane.

  13. actor212 said,

    February 11, 2010 at 16:21

    Always. Trust. The. Shorter.™

    Wow. Really? So she’s all about unprotected sex, even in the face of financial ruin?

  14. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    February 11, 2010 at 16:22

    Not to nitpick, but you forgot to put PENIS in all caps.

    Maybe all caps had a headache.

  15. SpotWeld said,

    February 11, 2010 at 16:41

    I think the most telling part is this exchange

    Please take this statement into consideration.

    Low Birth Rate Caused by Recession.

    This statement is certainly plausible by responsible people of all faiths. Some responsible married couples have taken an unusually hard look at their overall well being. With health care expenses on the rise, it is a usually difficult choice for middle class couples to make to raise and support children in modern day America. It would be interesting to look at the statistics for the last 2 to 3 small mini recessions that America has had and compare that to the birth rate of the middle class, which, I do suspect is running into the negative numbers.

    [You're still here on probation, you know. -admin]

    Somone posts a thoughtful and not espcially argumentative reply and they get a warning.

  16. actor212 said,

    February 11, 2010 at 16:43

    I’m curious how Anchoviesh manages to reconcile her claim that the US has a zero birth rate with two other facts:

    1) Abortion has been legal since 1979, which according to her should show a negative birth rate, since, you know, 40,000,000 Americans will not be collecting social security starting in 2044, and

    2) The number of births each year in the US is roughly 4 million babies. The number of deaths each year is roughly 2.5 million. So a birthrate of 1.5 million is a positive, non-negative figure.

    (by the way, the low birth rate is less a function of fewer women having babies– the numerator– but the extended life of women as a whole, which raises the number of living women– the denominator– and lowers the percentage.

    Dumb ass!)

  17. Shell Goddamnit said,

    February 11, 2010 at 16:44

    So she’s all about unprotected sex, even in the face of financial ruin?

    Actually she’s all un-about sex.

    Except for that thing where married couples are obligated to each other sexually. Ooops.

    So, end result, women are never ever in charge of their fertility OR sexuality. The main point of Catholicism, as far as I can tell. Oh yeah and fuming incense stenchers.

  18. TruculentandUnreliable said,

    February 11, 2010 at 16:45

    Silly me. Here I thought that I was being rather thoughtful by not bringing another human being on the planet to consume our dwindling resources, but it turns out that I’m a selfish bitch who is ruining the economy.

    Obama should give out tax breaks for vasectomy reversals.

  19. TruculentandUnreliable said,

    February 11, 2010 at 16:56

    the low birth rate is less a function of fewer women having babies– the numerator– but the extended life of women as a whole

    Well, we’d make some of that disparity up through maternal death and back-alley abortions alone if we lived in her world.

  20. Scott said,

    February 11, 2010 at 16:57

    Somone posts a thoughtful and not espcially argumentative reply and they get a warning.

    The thoughtful ones are the most dangerous. Everyone knows thinking people tend to be non-conservatives…

  21. Tintin said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:04

    @Scott: It’s wise to note Sister Scalia’s motto at the top of the blog: “Ideas create idols; only wonder leads to knowing.” Of course, if she took her own motto literally she’d have a hard time explaining why she doesn’t just STFU.

  22. Scott said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:12

    “Ideas create idols; only wonder leads to knowing.”

    That’s the most idiotic thing I’ve ever read. And self-contradictory in several different ways.

    I’m now picturing the Anchoress as someone who gawps up at the sky in amazement when water-fall-from-sky until, turkey-like, she drowns.

  23. actor212 said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:17

    Scott,

    As much as it’s a hamfisted attempt at humility, I can sort of grok what she’s saying: She’s trying to say that the only way to know something is to learn about it.

    Funny coming from her.

  24. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:18

    I’m now picturing the Anchoress as someone who gawps up at the sky in amazement when water-fall-from-sky until, turkey-like, she drowns.

    Veiled teabagging reference? Turkey-like gobble gobble gobble.

  25. actor212 said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:22

    Wow. Word Press? It’s spammy to talk about sex for conception now???

  26. J— said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:22

    Vatican economist Ettore Gotti Tedeschi quoted in Zenit (a Legion of Christ propaganda organ, according to Commonweal):

    “If I might, indeed, be quite polemical, I would say that certain government leaders had more responsibility than the bankers since the former pushed, supported and justified the expansion of credit that was used to sustain a growth rate that was recognized as fictitious.”

    I like how he’s sort of apologetic about this but earlier blasts out his contraception equals global financial crisis thesis without inhibition.

  27. actor212 said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:23

    So it’s not the word sex you object to, or conception.

    Was it the bukkake reference? What about the massive dildo inference?

  28. actor212 said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:23

    OK, those you were OK with….

    Pregnancy?

  29. Steerpike said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:23

    “Ideas create Idols” (and therefore must me avoided at all costs); “only wonder leads to knowing” (unless wonder leads to ideas, or, God forbid, doubts). In fact, avoid wondering, or thinking, just to be safe.

  30. Rusty Shackleford said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:25

    Now that Roger Ebert has made a possibly mildly derisive remark about the teabaggers, all the dead-enders at Big Failywood are realizing that they have hated his rich snotty guts all along.

  31. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:28

    PENIS.

  32. TruculentandUnreliable said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:28

    What about the massive dildo inference?

    Um. How exactly does one “infer” a massive dildo?

  33. St. Trotsky, Pope-in-Avignon said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:30

    I assume the same way one “infers” a black hole in the lightless void of space. It’s not what you can see of the massive dildo, but the influence it has upon the individual(s) that have it up in ‘em.

  34. Scott said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:32

    She’s trying to say that the only way to know something is to learn about it.

    As Steerpike said previously, wonder is good because it leads to knowledge, which leads to ideas, which are bad. No, she’s not grokworthy, she’s a gallon-sized freezer bag full of stewed and pureed idiocy.

  35. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:33

    Um. How exactly does one “infer” a massive dildo?

    Seeing that the Shorter is for Tom Friedman and staying in the boat?

    No?, Well how about this?

  36. Mr. Wonderful said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:38

    [You're still here on probation, you know. -admin]

    Can’t this be a new meme? To be posted after every idiot’s/troll’s/Broder entry? Make it a macro.

  37. DAS said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:38

    Alternative No-So-Shorter Anchoress:

    The modern capitalist, free market economy is actually a pyramid scheme which needs more and more fresh souls in order to keep going. Of course, support of our current economic system is a matter of profound faith for us (so much so that we support it even if the man we claim is the “Son of God” seems like he wouldn’t have cottoned to our economic system), it is a matter of the utmost importance that we all keep having babies in order to prop up our pyramid scheme of an economic system.

    *

    BTW — what is someone who fancies herself as an Anchoress doing telling us to make babies? Is this a case of “do as I say, not as I do” or is she a little unclear on what the concept of an anchoress is? Does she think that those little holes used by anchoresses to communicate with the outside world also served as glory holes or something?

  38. Elephant Butte said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:39

    Um. How exactly does one “infer” a massive dildo?

    Use modus pr0nens?

  39. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:39

    Shoulda waited. I gotta snappier comeback now.

    Um. How exactly does one “infer” a massive dildo?

    Speaking of David Broder, glad to see that he’s still
    in touch with the people.

  40. TruculentandUnreliable said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:40

    I never knew that billboards and black holes could be so hot!

    Sort of on topic: a protein in weed could be used as a male birth control pill.

  41. actor212 said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:45

    How exactly does one “infer” a massive dildo?

    By the bulge in her panties, silly!

  42. N__B said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:45

    How exactly does one “infer” a massive dildo?

    Infer a penny, infer a pound.

  43. Steerpike said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:49

    “Former US President Bill Clinton allegedly suffered from the syndrome, and it is now known but some as the ‘Clinton Kink’.”

    That’s not what I’ve always thought of as the “Clinton Kink”

  44. N__B said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:50

    Sergeant ‘Clinton Kink’

    [bad german accent] I fuck nothink! [/bad german accent]

  45. zombie rotten mcdonald said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:52

    How exactly does one “infer” a massive dildo?

    First, you make sure it’s not humorless….

  46. J— said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:54

    [You're still here on probation, you know. -admin]

    Commenter’s purgatory.

  47. zombie rotten mcdonald said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:55

    Go to work, N__B.

  48. actor212 said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:56

    a protein in weed could be used as a male birth control pill

    HA! So she DIDN’T get pregnant that night on Montego Bay!

    wait a minute…that means I was married for twenty years on someone else’s dime!

  49. lobbey said,

    February 11, 2010 at 17:56

    It’s good to see this site coming back its core values.

    i demand teh sawhich

  50. N__B said,

    February 11, 2010 at 18:01

    Go to work, N__B.

    I’m at work. I’m the boss, man. There’s no one to stop me.

  51. actor212 said,

    February 11, 2010 at 18:02

    There’s no one to stop me.

    *knockknock*

    Mr __B? IRS…

  52. Rusty Shackleford said,

    February 11, 2010 at 18:05

    There’s protein in weed? So you really could live off the brownies.

  53. TruculentandUnreliable said,

    February 11, 2010 at 18:07

    By the bulge in her panties, silly!

    Dunno…it could be a SHENIS.

  54. actor212 said,

    February 11, 2010 at 18:17

    True, but inferences are not always accurate, so I stand by my statement.

  55. N__B said,

    February 11, 2010 at 18:25

    Dunno…it could be a SHENIS.

    Shenis, Queen of the Urinal

  56. zombie rotten mcdonald said,

    February 11, 2010 at 18:38

    Mr __B? IRS…

    don’t be silly. It’s not as if engineers make any money….

  57. actor212 said,

    February 11, 2010 at 19:03

    don’t be silly. It’s not as if engineers make any money….

    “We’re here to look at your expense accounts”

  58. tigrismus said,

    February 11, 2010 at 19:13

    “Ideas create idols; only wonder leads to knowing.”

    I wonder where she got that dumb idea.

    How exactly does one “infer” a massive dildo?

    Her eyes are bulging?

  59. Whale Chowder said,

    February 11, 2010 at 19:14

    How exactly does one “infer” a massive dildo?

    Believe me, if a massive dildo is insinuated into you, you’ll get the inference!

  60. Whale Chowder said,

    February 11, 2010 at 19:16

    Her eyes are bulging?

    If it’s a Republican, Her his eyes are bulging. And his wetsuits too.

  61. Pat Sajak said,

    February 11, 2010 at 19:24

    Is it PINTS
    PANTS
    PONYS
    PANGS
    PUNTS
    PUNKS
    ????

    Can I buy an “O”?

  62. noen said,

    February 11, 2010 at 19:44

    Alan Grayson is very wealthy and doesn’t have to worry about financing for his election. Even though many are well off, other senators do not have the luxury of not having to worry how they’ll pay for their re-election.

  63. noen said,

    February 11, 2010 at 19:44

    Oh crap, wrong window.

  64. acrannymint said,

    February 11, 2010 at 20:14

    Oh crap, wrong window.

    Way too much multitasking – especially after my second reward for slinging snow mimosa

  65. jim said,

    February 11, 2010 at 20:17

    Did I mention that I’m both a serial troll & a lazy sod?

    jim
    February 11th, 2010 | 2:32 pm | #41

    Hard to say which is funnier: the thesis that low birthrates somehow create economic downturns – or the idea that liberalism (the same liberalism that produced crazy ideas like a minimum wage, desegregation & the concept of women as legal persons & not chattel) “diminishes us all” … posts like this one are proof positive that church & state need to be strictly seperated – religion & politics just don’t mix.

    Note: The refutation of the bizarre thesis of this post is everywhere one looks. China consciously (& ruthlessly) regulates its birthrate – & right now its economy is growing, & it’s eating America’s lunch. Many nations in Central Africa have spectacular birthrates – yet their economies are catastrophically dysfunctional, not booming.

    PS – Steyn’s “civilizations die from suicide, not murder” concept will surely be deeply comforting to Native Americans … perhaps one can infer the existance of an Amerindian urge toward “suicide-by-US Army” (a cultural parallel to “suicide-by-cop”) to justify such an historically illiterate statement.

    Also: P3N15!

  66. actor212 said,

    February 11, 2010 at 20:46

    Global Recession & Low Birthrate

    Curious stubborn fact: the low birthrate in America coincides with the creation of Medicaid and food stamps.

    Now, if all those women were having brown babies to collect teh welfare, why didn’t the birthrate skyrocket?

  67. zombie rotten mcdonald said,

    February 11, 2010 at 20:51

    silly liberals. Facts are biased, duh.

  68. Dan Someone said,

    February 11, 2010 at 21:10

    Jim, aren’t you still on probation?

  69. Smut Clyde said,

    February 11, 2010 at 21:19

    Veiled P*n*s
    People are generally uninterested in seeing my little burqa costume, hand-stitched though it is.

  70. Substance McGravitas said,

    February 11, 2010 at 21:21

    It’s impressive when people make such teeny artifacts.

  71. Whale Chowder said,

    February 11, 2010 at 22:43

    Kind of the meaty equivalent of a ship-in-a-bottle.

  72. Smut Clyde said,

    February 11, 2010 at 23:10

    Tauntaun costume. Also.

  73. Saint Anatasia of the Bleeding, Festering Wound said,

    February 11, 2010 at 23:42

    72 Comments and no “Meaning of Life” Reference?

    Surely, medical facilities in the First World are suffering from lack of donated children, thus hurting R&D and new product development.

    Every sperm is sacred.

  74. Shell Goddamnit said,

    February 12, 2010 at 0:36

    Dimbulb’s motto: “Ideas create idols; only wonder leads to knowing.”

    Actor’s attempt at translating the pidgin: “She’s trying to say that the only way to know something is to learn about it.”

    no no no

    wonder = the awesomeness of the contradictory bullshit taught by your church with fuming incense stenchers
    knowing = if I believe hard enough then really I know for sure absolutely certain won’t listen to anything that might contradict lalalala can’t hear you
    ideas = anything not involving wonder or belief
    idols = oh who the hell knows

  75. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    February 12, 2010 at 4:48

    Shell Goddamnit said,

    February 11, 2010 at 16:44

    So, end result, women are never ever in charge of their fertility OR sexuality. The main point of Catholicism, as far as I can tell. Oh yeah and fuming incense stenchers.

    ♩ And a tiny little mustache… ♩

    Preemptive FYWP also too.

  76. A concerned citizen said,

    February 12, 2010 at 6:59

    …the birth rate of the middle class, which, I do suspect is running into the negative numbers.

    It’s almost as though if you put in economic policies that hurt the middle class, there are fewer of them, and the ones that are left can’t afford kids.

  77. wiley said,

    February 12, 2010 at 7:51

    When all you’ve got is a PENIS—-

  78. Dayv said,

    February 13, 2010 at 6:10

    I will trust the shorter this time.

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