Dec
19
19
Wingnuts Roasting On An Open Fire: A Duet
ABOVE LEFT: Velasquez, Portrait of the Dwarf Little Person Marco Kricoricano (c. 1636-1646)
ABOVE RIGHT: Bernardo Strozzi (attr.), Man in Full, Portrait of Jonassandro del Oroburro (17th cent.)
Shorter Mark Krikorian, America’s Shittiest Website™
‘There Went Out a Decree from Caesar Augustus …’
- Liberals, who hate Jesus, are sneakily using the Nativity story to convince Mexicans to be counted by the U.S. census rather than, like Joseph and Mary, going back home to Mexico to be counted there.
Slightly Shorter Jonah “The Whale” Goldberg, America’s Shittiest Website™
The Census, Do it For Baby Jesus: Update
- Whoa, do you see what I see? (“Hey, hit me with some more of that eggnog. Goes great with brownies!”). It’s a Census Bureau poster about the Baby Jesus. (“Who made the fudge?”) It’s apparently okay for the Obama administration to print up a big-ass poster about the Nativity when it suits the Democrats’ purposes but it’s not okay for a Republican administration even to whisper the name of the Baby Jesus. (Licks fudge from fingers.) Hypocrites! (Burp.)
Shorter Jonah “The Whale” Goldberg, America’s Shittiest Website™
The Census, Do it For Baby Jesus: Update II
- Okay, the poster was printed by a private group, not the government, and it says so right on the poster, but only in really teeny-tiny type. Central to my point, etc., etc.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
nutellaontoast said,
December 19, 2009 at 17:38
” Sorry, been out most of the day. Yes, you’re right. I didn’t read the story closely enough. It wasn’t sent by the Census bureau or with their cooperation. So it’s not really a church-state thing. Though, in fairness, I was mocking folks who make a big deal about church-state issues when there’s no need to. But, all in all, I was wrong. Should’ve waited for the coffee to set in.”
Ladies and gentleMAN, a professional writer.
nutellaontoast said,
December 19, 2009 at 17:39
BTW, in skydiving, whenever you do a “first” jump, you have to buy everyone a case of beer. First time with a new parachute. First time in a new flying style. etc.
I think that this tradition should be made into the internets. Anyone who says that first shit ahs to buy all of us a case of beer.
77south said,
December 19, 2009 at 17:41
I await my case of beer then.
Major Kong said,
December 19, 2009 at 17:44
Mmmmmmm…………..beer.
Jennifer said,
December 19, 2009 at 17:49
Yes, you’re right. I didn’t read the story closely enough.
Never has an argument been made with more care & etc.
Pryme said,
December 19, 2009 at 17:58
Looks like Team Rocket’s blasting off again…
Sir Craig said,
December 19, 2009 at 18:08
No, no, no, Jonah, knee-jerk reactions are exactly what we’ve come to expect, not only from ASW but from wingnutz in general; it is your modus operandi, your raison d’etre if you will.
For without this incessant need to fly boldly off the handle without actually thinking about what it is you’re getting excited about, you might never have achieved … erm … what have you guys ever achieved, short of utter humiliation?
Yeah, you owe us beer big time…
acrannymint said,
December 19, 2009 at 18:09
I think we should start playing bullshit bingo when reading these guys.
I’ll go first – Jonah with his out of pocket. Overused phrases also count and bandwidth is not a bs bingo word when used in reference to network capacity. The following is an example of a bs bingo that might be heard where I work:
In order to inform the discussion on how to socialize {insert project/issue here}, I thought I would act as a visionary liaison and give a pass down on the results of my reach back to the thought leaders.
Stephen said,
December 19, 2009 at 18:11
Sorry, been out most of the day. Yes, you’re right. I didn’t read the story closely enough. It wasn’t sent by the Census bureau or with their cooperation. So it’s not really a church-state thing. Though, in fairness, I was mocking folks who make a big deal about church-state issues when there’s no need to. But, all in all, I was wrong. Should’ve waited for the coffee to set in.
Have you begun to notice that you do this a lot, Jonah?
N__B said,
December 19, 2009 at 18:19
more care & etc.
Maybe I’m giddy from the combination of last night’s huge dinner and the upcoming snow, but this has me laughing my ass off.
El Cid said,
December 19, 2009 at 18:19
I’d be interested in reading the Census form filled out by Mary & Joseph.
N__B said,
December 19, 2009 at 18:25
I’d be interested in reading the Census form filled out by Mary & Joseph.
Since they were quite poor, it’ll be boring. No two-mule garage, no household slaves as dependents, no secondary wives in other houses on the property.
J— said,
December 19, 2009 at 18:31
That’s not Mary and Joseph on the poster. It’s Don Quixote and Sancho Panza, and Don Quixote gave birth to a beautiful baby windmill.
J— said,
December 19, 2009 at 18:32
Second link is a bit funny, Tintin.
[Tintin adds: Thx. Fixed.]
Gay Ruppert said,
December 19, 2009 at 18:38
The fact is, I am a homosexual. Also, gay. Queer rights forever. Gays are superior to non-gays, we run things gay-style.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
December 19, 2009 at 18:46
How does this guy keep from killing himself? Seriously.
I guess the ability to feel shame isn’t a widespread wingnut characteristic.
N__B said,
December 19, 2009 at 18:51
How does this guy keep from killing himself? Seriously.
It reeks of effort.
Gary Ruppert said,
December 19, 2009 at 18:54
The fact is, it is now cold outside, which means there is no such thing as global warming, so suck it, libs.
Gary Ruppert said,
December 19, 2009 at 18:55
Also,
http://ifglobalwarmingisrealthenwhyisitcold.blogspot.com/
Here is your science refuted in language the Heartland understands.
owlbear1 said,
December 19, 2009 at 18:57
Will you people kindly lay off the “Charity Republicans” at NRO?
stryx said,
December 19, 2009 at 19:00
the ability to feel shame isn’t a widespread wingnut characteristic
mumblemumblemumble Q.E.D. mumblemumble….
N__B said,
December 19, 2009 at 19:01
Presented without comment, this holiday week: The Zombible.
As Jesus said to his followers, BRANES!
noen said,
December 19, 2009 at 19:24
Meh… Zombible could use a little more work. They just replace key phrases here and there but leave the rest.
stryx said,
December 19, 2009 at 19:24
Is there any chance one of you geniuses could translate Doughy Pantload into Latin or Italian or whatever language Jonassandro del Oroburro is imitating?
‘Cause that’s FTW according to me. Also.
N__B said,
December 19, 2009 at 19:26
Is there any chance one of you geniuses could translate Doughy Pantload into Latin
Anus.
N__B said,
December 19, 2009 at 19:27
Zombible could use a little more work.
They’re zombies. Neither keyboards nor speech recognition will work properly.
Sirius Lunacy said,
December 19, 2009 at 19:40
Second link is a bit funny, Tintin.
On this blog things are supposed to be funny.
Sirius Lunacy said,
December 19, 2009 at 19:48
Also, on to a more serious problem than funny links or Whale shit about census posters, Sadly, Now! I now have this stupid “I Want to Love You Tender” song stuck in my head and can’t seem to shake it. Also I have this crazy urge to dance around the house while banging on my toaster. Damn you Tintin!
noen said,
December 19, 2009 at 19:51
I’d like to see a zombie version of “A Peanuts Christmas.” Now that would be cool.
Sirius Lunacy said,
December 19, 2009 at 19:54
I’d like to see a Peanuts version of “Night of the Living Dead.”
Jennifer said,
December 19, 2009 at 20:12
I’m loving the Oroburro appellation.
“Golden ass”, indeed.
nutellaontoast said,
December 19, 2009 at 20:14
I am glad that this blog has temporarily stopped killing captain clown.
xinaz said,
December 19, 2009 at 20:33
Does this count as the Surge in the War on Christmas?
Tom M said,
December 19, 2009 at 20:41
it is your modus operandi, your raison d’etre if you will. It is their milieu.
nutellaontoast said,
December 19, 2009 at 20:46
It is there fromage bien
nutellaontoast said,
December 19, 2009 at 20:58
their, god damn, I’m distracted today. I wrote tote as tought earlier….
Smut Clyde said,
December 19, 2009 at 21:13
I’d be interested in reading the Census form filled out by Mary & Joseph.
Long form or vault copy?
PeeJ said,
December 19, 2009 at 21:27
Though, in fairness, I was mocking folks who make a big deal about church-state issues when there’s no need to. Folks such as myself, that is. I am completely oblivious to self mockery.
Diaskuesated for obvious resons.
Mothra said,
December 19, 2009 at 21:53
I’m gonna start using that “central to my point” thing at work.
The Tragically Flip said,
December 19, 2009 at 22:17
It’s nice that the premier conservative thought magazine gives Jonah what is tantamount to a myspace page to post his random train of thoughts. I’m sure this is what buckley had in mind when he founded the rag.
g said,
December 19, 2009 at 22:24
I’m sure this is what buckley had in mind when he founded the rag.
It’s nice to think of the old bastard spinning away in his grave.
gocart mozart said,
December 19, 2009 at 22:26
Couple of cool video clips. Happy Holidays everyone.
Christmas with the Devil. A jazz version of the Spinal tap classic.
http://lnmc.crooksandliars.com/bluegal/cls-late-nite-music-club-judith-owen-and-h
Also, Jon Stewart pawns Laura Ingraham and other teabaggers.
http://videocafe.crooksandliars.com/heather/daily-show-highway-health-last-tea-party-p
Sir Craig said,
December 19, 2009 at 22:33
Tom M:
Damn you – that was the word I was looking for…
As for NRO being something like MySpace, I was thinking Twitter for Twits (or Twats) myself…
gocart mozart said,
December 19, 2009 at 22:34
This one is for the Jews.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsSzQkhy_xs
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
December 19, 2009 at 22:48
THAR SHI BLOWZZZ!one111!
~
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
December 19, 2009 at 22:49
Counteth not thine chickens.
~
gocart mozart said,
December 19, 2009 at 22:59
Youtube clips make the best presents. Best of all they’re free.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tq29o9PWGc4&NR=1
TruculentandUnreliable said,
December 19, 2009 at 23:21
So, if we actually roasted Jonah over a fire, would he brown up nicely like a 300-pound hog, or would he pop like an overripe cherry?
Inquiring minds must know.
PeeJ said,
December 19, 2009 at 23:27
or would he pop like an overripe cherry?
Not if he was gutted first. I’ll go with brown up – he is after, in the area of 300 lbs. and he is a pig. It is asserted by some that he is male but this has yet to be proven.
Arky said,
December 19, 2009 at 23:37
And lo, unto the Virgin Lucianne a boy child was born. And she named him Jonah. And people came from afar to look upon him. And laugh.
And the train looks like this.
g said,
December 19, 2009 at 23:38
So, if we actually roasted Jonah over a fire, would he brown up nicely like a 300-pound hog, or would he pop like an overripe cherry?
You’d really need to work on degreasing. He’d be more full of fat than a duck.
Kobie said,
December 19, 2009 at 23:51
Do they have to put a cork on the end of Jonah’s fork, like Steve Martin in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels?
stryx said,
December 19, 2009 at 23:57
There’s still time to bake a cake to go with the roast whale.
Thomas said,
December 20, 2009 at 0:06
Now I’m really confused. Jesus was Mexican?
What about all those bumper stickers I see on monster trucks that assert “Jesus is an American?”
Tacitus Voltaire said,
December 20, 2009 at 0:14
stryx said,
December 19, 2009 at 19:00
the ability to feel shame isn’t a widespread wingnut characteristic
mumblemumblemumble Q.E.D. mumblemumble….
the next version of the DSM will include a description of stupid personality disorder:
Stupid Personality Disorder (SPD) is a personality disorder defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the diagnostic classification system used in the United States, as “a pervasive pattern of idiocy, a marked susceptibility to ridiculous theories and meaningless slogans, need to issue fascist diktat, and a lack of information gathering ability [1], beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. Lack of ability to gather, digest, and understand easily available information.
2. Intense attachment to pet theories, and a obsessive preoccupation with them.
3. Rejection of any facts that contradict these pet theories, accompanied by intense anger, and denigration of the person bringing these facts to their attention.
4. Marked susceptibility to conspiracy theories, random bullshit dressed up with ten dollar words, and melodramatic but impotent threats.
5. Addiction to issuing orders in Command Voice.
6. Poore speling and CAPITAL LETTERS
7. Inability to admit that perhaps one might be mistaken in some small detail.
8. Black and white thinking, perfectionism, inability to put themselves in other people’s shoes.
9. Narcissistic personality disorder
.
stryx said,
December 20, 2009 at 0:17
that assert “Jesus is an American?”
That’s just a simple misunderstanding, a typo really.
This handy chart will hopefully clear things up for you
5thKolumnisto said,
December 20, 2009 at 0:39
The poster leaves me conflicted between my support for the War on Christmas and the Illegal Invasion. Will Bill O’Reilly’s (an alien papist name obviously) head explode over this?
J— said,
December 20, 2009 at 0:53
So who wrote this gem? How does one distinguish a sophisticated from an unsophisticated European capital? Has Zurich replaced Bern as the Swiss federal city? Would Father Christmas decline to descend a minaret? So many questions.
Spirula said,
December 20, 2009 at 1:09
Hey Tintin,
That pic of the Jonah is one of the best, but could you photoshop the colors so that the feed bag matches the drapes?
tigrismus said,
December 20, 2009 at 2:12
there has long been a barely spoken of dissatisfaction over the one element it sorely lacks: zombies
Those guys are nuts, from Ezekiel through Jesus all the way to Revelations the Bible is ALL about the zombies.
Is there any chance one of you geniuses could translate Doughy Pantload into Latin or Italian or whatever language Jonassandro del Oroburro is imitating?
Latin is a dead language, pissing on its grave would just be mean.
pretty persuasion said,
December 20, 2009 at 2:14
It’s nice that the premier conservative thought magazine gives Jonah what is tantamount to a myspace page to post his random train of thoughts. I’m sure this is what buckley had in mind when he founded the rag.
pretty much. except it was buckley’s own vanity press. not too many “goldbergs” running around. nor were the kristols welcome (remember “bill the house” buckley once remarked that he could “scarce stand to breathe the same air” as irving).
firing his kid, though. that was a pretty astonishing plot twist. in a few years, if they haven’t pissed enough ineptly chosen chilean wine onto his grave, maybe they can hire his illegitimate grandkid to run the joint, the one who, in buckley’s will, “for purposes of this document is deemed to have predeceased” wfb.
Every Woman Over Age 25 said,
December 20, 2009 at 2:47
I’d like to see a Peanuts version of “Night of the Living Dead.”
You’ll have to settle for a Peanuts version of “The Metamorphosis.”
Bitter Scribe said,
December 20, 2009 at 2:48
That was me posting as “Every Woman Over Age 25.” Firefox hates me.
Gary Ruppert said,
December 20, 2009 at 2:49
The fact is, any increase in marginal tax rates at all, especially for the productive classes in typical demonrat classwar fashion, is objectively worse than what Hitler did to the Jews. If you disagree with me you are a hippy socilest.
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
December 20, 2009 at 2:51
I’d like to see a Peanuts version of “Night of the Living Dead.”
The best I got is Ryan Dunlavey’s Peanuts version of that mutant movie.
kate said,
December 20, 2009 at 3:53
Shorter:
Krecorkian or whatever:
Ilegal Aliens ! AHH! Spanish people are illegal aliens who vote democrats in! AHH! Go back home and let the deserving republican white folks win an election AHH! Whoo am I smart and witty or what? ILLEGAL ALIENS AND A GOD POSTER!– Gotcha again! BAHAHA
Jonah, a Goldberger the Whale Puked Up:
Oh shit, um. My bad, but hey, I’m an idiot, but listen its because I was … um…fart…well… I wanna samich.
stryx said,
December 20, 2009 at 4:43
Perhaps you would like to see the tender treatment MADTV gave this pair of heartwarming Christmas stories.
Raging Rudolph
The Reinfather
Shot in the eye with a candy cane is a bad way to go, I say.
a second non-lester the giant ape said,
December 20, 2009 at 7:10
“Central to my point, etc., etc.”
heh.
PopeRatzo said,
December 20, 2009 at 15:40
I like the fact that Fatty Whoreson’s original post says “I am not making this up” and then it turns out that he was making it up.
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
December 21, 2009 at 0:48
I hate to say it, but I don’t think Gary is fun anymore.
either that, or Substance’s WngnutNode is getting close to beta release.
parsec said,
December 21, 2009 at 2:30
Ironically, the Romans had no such requirement that for census purposes anyone had to go anywhere.
RvB said,
December 21, 2009 at 14:14
Do you know why Jebus never was a lawyer? He got nailed on the boards.
Commander Coriander Salamander said,
December 21, 2009 at 19:47
stryx said,
“This handy chart will hopefully clear things up for you”
LOL…..if jeebus came back today he’d be crucified by the republicans.
Sanctimony said,
December 21, 2009 at 23:07
“Though, in fairness, I was mocking folks who make a big deal about church-state issues when there’s no need to.”
Longer shorter:
Even though I was “wrong”, so to speak, the coffee not having makes it ok, and I’m still right because I made up the war on christmas myself and it’s central to my point because liberals are so dumb that sometimes I come off half cocked. Justfiably so. Also. This means I’m not really wrong even though I’m out of pocket on this one.
Irony said,
December 21, 2009 at 23:07
“Though, in fairness, I was mocking folks who make a big deal about church-state issues when there’s no need to.”
The First Time The Goddamn Batman Did That Hang-gliding Thing With The Batcape, He Was Sooooooooo Drunk... said,
December 22, 2009 at 0:43
I found n.o.t.’s skydiving anecdote particularly apropos, because one could imagine the carnage that would ensue if parachute riggers took the same degree of care as Jonah does with his job. Especially, say, if Jonah took up skydiving.
tsam said,
December 22, 2009 at 1:13
Am I crazy? I believe the Republican rendition of Jesus in the handy chart provided by styrx bears a striking resemblance to Dog the Bounty Hunter. Dog spelled backward is…
Coincidence? I think not.
b-psycho said,
December 23, 2009 at 21:38
Here‘s a more accurate problem w/ the invoking of Jeebus w/r/t the Census…