3
Two-minute Townhall
They may be stupid, but they sure are fun!
Shorter Tony Blankley: Why don’t we just ship everybody in the whole goddamn world over here to live in America?
Shorter John Stossel: What can a chapter from my latest book tell us about victims?
Shorter Walter Williams: If current trends continue, mankind will one day delight in the spoils of a fully automated economy.
Shorter Michelle Malkin: Liberals and Mexicans have conspired to turn this once-great land over to Islamofascists.
Shorter Mike S. Adams: Whenever someone makes me feel foolish, I go home, light a big honkin’ cigar and pretend I’m Doug Giles.
Shorter Burt Prelutsky: Now that the president is freed from the burden of re-election, he should enact policies that boost his popularity.
Shorter Ben Shapiro: Now this is some judicial activism I can get behind.
Shorter Jonah Goldberg: Like Nixon, Bush’s problem is that he’s too liberal.
Shorter Kathleen Parker: As a woman, I have noticed that men are all too often the innocent victims of rape.
Shorter Mary Katherine Ham: I dare you to make fun of my column about children with cancer, smart guy.
Shorter Paul Greenberg: You know how editorial writers sometimes like to complain about following the news in a column about beach vacations or classical music? Well, this is one of those columns.
Heydave said,
May 3, 2006 at 16:58
Well, shit. I had to do it. Just one quick glimpse at Stossel’s bullshit and I’ll be fine, I said. Riiiiight. Now I have to go kill something….
TravisG said,
May 3, 2006 at 17:00
No, no, you’ve got it all wrong. We read it so you don’t have to. That’s the service we provide, free of charge. Only my employer pays.
Mike said,
May 3, 2006 at 17:19
I love these “shorter version” posts. It’s kind of like Fark for wingnuts.
J. A. Baker said,
May 3, 2006 at 17:29
I belive the Grammar Police have probable cause for a warrant against Tony Blankley for this gem:
Even the Republican president of the United States makes the nonest of non-sequiturs
Umm…is “nonest” even a word?
millsapian87 said,
May 3, 2006 at 17:30
Props for the Rundgren reference. Y’all sure are hip!
FlipYrWhig said,
May 3, 2006 at 17:55
Maybe Blankley meant that Bush likes to make non-sequiturs nine at a time. No, wait, that would be “nonets” of non-sequiturs.
justme said,
May 3, 2006 at 18:26
Oh my goodness. I know you read these so we don’t have to, but I read Mike Ass Adams anyway. It seems that his life is dedicated to doing things that will get a reaction out of people so that he can write columns about the things he does and the reactions he gets. Interspersed in these columns are snippets in which he reveals his desire to shoot people and his belief that people recognize and respect him for this. It’s pretty revolting reading him, but it’s kind of a service he’s providing too, to let us know that he and people like him exist.
Jay said,
May 3, 2006 at 18:29
Even the Republican president of the United States makes the nonest of non-sequiturs…
Don’t you love this sentence? Not even a trace of irony. The immigration issue is so morally disorienting, so layered – why just the other day it caused our president to say something that made no sense!
salvage said,
May 3, 2006 at 18:41
Did anyone catch this bit from Jonah Goldberg’s spew:
As bad as the Iraq war may be going,
I guess not even a Bush Zombie like Doughy Pantsload can’t keep it up.
Mal de mer said,
May 3, 2006 at 19:00
Even the Republican president of the United States makes the nonest of non-sequiturs…
This is exactly the type of cleverosity that wingnuts delight in. “Golly Goshers…Look at me…I’m so original and my genius is so undeniable that I literally invent new language and paradigms of thought as I write!…!!!”
Unfortunately, the wingnut drive and talent to contribute to the pot-luck of human insight usually only achieves the effect similar to how sensible people react to Amber Pawlik showing up at the door with a bubbling crock of Cheez-Wiz Cheesy Chunk Lay-zee Raclette…Polite people don’t know where to look and rude people start making fingers-down-the-throat gestures.
Dan Someone said,
May 3, 2006 at 19:02
Alternate shorter Mike S. Adams: Let me tell you about all the things I use to compensate for my small penis.
Jefe said,
May 3, 2006 at 19:30
Dr. Mike drives around and frightens the hippies with his bumper sticker! Awesome.
Noone said,
May 3, 2006 at 20:24
Shorter Tony Blankley: Why don’t we just ship everybody in the whole goddamn world over here to live in America?
Or, we could just continue the Bush plan and call the rest of the world America (or Amurika as the President likes to call it).
Pere Ubu said,
May 3, 2006 at 20:31
Yeesh – you missed the intellectual excellence of Dennis Preager on ClownHall today – evidently the greatest totalitarians in the country today are the ALCU and the anti-smoking lobby. Complete with an account of how Hitler had pictures of Stalin edited to take out Stalin’s smoking, in furtherance of Hitler’s well-known anti-smoking campaign.
tigrismus said,
May 3, 2006 at 20:32
Hah! Mike Adams thinks people could be reduced to a quivering jelly by a bumper sticker because one that said “vagina” always does it to him. Seriously, though, a hippy flashes Adams the peace symbol and he thinks it’s the sticker? HE’S FLASHING YOU THE PEACE SIGN BECAUSE HE’S A HIPPY, YOU NITWIT. Dr Mike is spending a wee bit too much time stroking his piece and sucking on those imported masculine tubes, it’s compromised his ability to think clearly. Creamy and earthy, yeesh.
Kathleen said,
May 3, 2006 at 20:40
sorry but 120 second Townhall is way better.
JK47 said,
May 3, 2006 at 23:08
The comments section on Mike Adams’ page is pretty funny. One wingnut says that he thinks every single person should be armed with at least a .22 caliber pistol. Truly a real-life Archie Bunker.
D. Sidhe said,
May 3, 2006 at 23:26
One wingnut says that he thinks every single person should be armed with at least a .22 caliber pistol.
Does this include the queers, pagans & heathens, feminazis, and liberal moonbats?
Or is he just assuming A) those aren’t people, or B) he’ll still have more weapons (though only two hands [barring any sort of gun cleaning accident]).
And Travis, would it be cheating for you to just do the next couple of months of Stossel as “Say, you should buy my book”?
I hate to think of the brainrot reading him induces. Save yourself!
Dr Gary Ruppert said,
May 3, 2006 at 23:38
Shorta Mike S. Adams: I spent all my allowance on cigars today and now feel horribly sick. I manly puffed away in the Nelson Mandela No-Smoking Creche at Made-Up University all afternoon. Eventually this provoked a lesbo-feminist to approach me, but instead of abusing my patriarchal rights as I had hoped she merely told me I should take the cellophane off before lighting up in future.
FlipYrWhig said,
May 4, 2006 at 1:44
It’s amusing to check out tha ratings for Herr Doktor Adams on his RateMyProfessors.com page.
annieangel said,
May 4, 2006 at 3:21
Shorter Sean Hannity:
Look at my pretty smile, don’t I have a pretty smile? Don’t I look like the type of guy other guys would want to be friends with? I think I do, my hair is so awesome and I have a mini-Jay Leno chin. And what woman can resist a guy in headphones? I rule. Alan Colmes looks like Skeletor next to me.
Hattie said,
May 4, 2006 at 3:39
Parker goes all gooey with sympathy over rapist perps. Cry me a river!
A man who has been tried and convicted of rape is seldom innocent; it’s difficult to get convictions, and women are reluctant to press charges and are often thought to be liars. It’s nasty to be dragged through the courts.
I knew a lot of these rapists and other sex offenders when I taught in a prison and have yet to meet a one who would describe his crime or admit to it. Now if a nice, sympathetic blonde lady came around and heard one of them talk about how he had been railroaded, she’d buy it.
TravisG said,
May 4, 2006 at 4:35
Actually, and I’m somewhat ashamed to admit this, I genuinely look forward to writing Stossel’s shorters. They’re so much fun, and they are very, very easy. On my other blog, I think I wrote the same shorter four weeks in a row: “Looks like those clowns in the teachers’ union have done it again. What a bunch of clowns.”
Oh, and Kathleen, one day very soon, when you are sitting on a bench in the park on a lovely afternoon with a delicious ice cream cone, do not be surprised to find yourself quietly eating it. ; )
Red and Black said,
May 4, 2006 at 7:43
Parker: “the current sexual climate of virgins and demons”
WTH is she talking about?
Red and Black said,
May 4, 2006 at 8:33
About M.S. Adams on the “rate my professors” site: bugmenot.com has a login for the site that works.
Miss Emily said,
May 4, 2006 at 11:08
Shame on you, Travis, for reminding me that Kathleen Parker still has a career. I really need to do something about that…
But, bless you for the introduction to Mike Adams.
That column must be read for his loving, sensual descriptions of cigars. Good lord, sometimes a cigar is just…another cock, isn’t it?
C’mon, “creamy taste…tangy finish…”? He has *SO* been there.
TravisG said,
May 4, 2006 at 12:58
Somehow I’ve got the notion stuck in my head that Dr. Adams attacks those cigars the way Hindrocket slobbered all over that corndog.
Mary Katharine said,
May 4, 2006 at 18:05
Thanks for taking it easy on me this week, Travis.