Nov
30
30
Me, Tarzan; You, Alicia (Part 2)
Alicia Colon, Big Breitbartbutt:
Part II: Modern Cinema Hasn’t a Clue About Eroticism
- What’s with all this sex in laundry rooms and on staircases? Do they realize how uncomfortable that is? I’d go to movies more often if Hollywood would go back to people having sex in trees instead.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
ploeg said,
November 30, 2009 at 15:59
And don’t get me started about sex on TV. I keep falling off. </oldjoke>
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 16:00
Of course not and every film would have generated better box office without these unnecessary insertions
Right.
Because no one talked about Viggo’s naked ass on the stairs, or the fact that Kate Winslet bared her tits in the movies in question.
What a doosh.
RvB said,
November 30, 2009 at 16:26
Wait, Weismuller and O’Hara? You mean, Tarzan the Ape Man with its shocking naked pre-code nude scenes, shock horror instant cardiac arrest? Why must Sadly No roll in this smut so gratefully, like a poodle in a patch fouled by a great dane???
Smiling Mortician said,
November 30, 2009 at 16:29
without these unnecessary insertions
I think I see her problem.
Smiling Mortician said,
November 30, 2009 at 16:32
Wow. I went over there. I am so totally going to get off her lawn now.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 16:32
He column is MUCH funnier if you read it in the voice of Margaret Dumont.
Pryme said,
November 30, 2009 at 16:35
Sounds like someone didn’t get her phone call after “one magical night.” Awww.
mark f said,
November 30, 2009 at 16:37
Sixteen of the top 20 box office earners have either a G or PG rating which should be a clue that R rated films ( “Titanic” being the exception) don’t do as well yet studios continue to add gratuitous irrelevant sex scenes that ruin the film.
Er . . . if 16/20 are G or PG, aren’t there 4 exceptions? And if I’m going to an R-rated movie it’s with my girlfriend (2 tickets). If I’m going to a G- or PG-rated movie it’s with my girlfriend and her kid (3 tickets). Multiplied by hundreds of thousands of families . . . and, well, it doesn’t really say anything about the content. Unless she thinks Hollywood should only make children’s movies.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
November 30, 2009 at 16:44
note: stairs are a very uncomfortable place to indulge in this activity
I know, right? I expect a man to lay his wife down on a soft, pillowy bed scented with lavender and strewn with rose petals when he hatefucks her.
Also, no jokes about her last name yet, guys? I’m disappointed.
JoeBuddha said,
November 30, 2009 at 16:47
Reminds me of that great George Carlin monologue: “There are two KNOBS on the radio…” I can’t see anyone holding a gun to their head making them watch these movies! Then again, it IS a chance to gripe and complain, which seems to be the main wing-nut sport nowadays.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 16:49
note: stairs are a very uncomfortable place to indulge in this activity
Then ur doin’ it RONG!
Curly Howard said,
November 30, 2009 at 16:50
He column is MUCH funnier if you read it in the voice of Margaret Dumont.
Win.
Ted the Slacker said,
November 30, 2009 at 16:50
note: stairs are a very uncomfortable place to indulge in this activity
Someone tell her the missionary position is not all-terrain.
Jack Elam said,
November 30, 2009 at 16:50
They did all the colon jokes the first time she poked her Christmas pudding shaped head over the parapet and made her existence plain to a disinterested world.
Sirius Lunacy said,
November 30, 2009 at 16:56
Big banks and financial institutions need less or even no regulation because all they are doing is screwing poor people and the free market has spoken. Big Hollywood needs far more regulation because they are screwing each other on screen! The free market no longer applies.
kg said,
November 30, 2009 at 17:00
TU
See below wrt last name jokes…
without these unnecessary insertions
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 17:02
They did all the colon jokes the first time
Semi-tough semi-Colon.
Evil Bender said,
November 30, 2009 at 17:12
Factual error in the first sentence = win!
Or did she not mean to imply that Titanic was rated R? Her post is so barely literate I can’t tell.
N__B said,
November 30, 2009 at 17:15
unnecessary insertions
Veiled wingnut marriage description.
Steerpike said,
November 30, 2009 at 17:23
OK, so the Colon has an issue with unnecessary insertions.
That’s fine; not everyone is down with that kind of play, I guess
Sirius Lunacy said,
November 30, 2009 at 17:24
Unnecessary Colon insertions? Don’t want!!!
reltny said,
November 30, 2009 at 17:25
I sorta take Colon’s musings about how comfortable sex on stairs is with as much credibility as if it was Ben Shapiro discoursing on the subject. Sex in a pup tent, Ford Mustang, or a poison ivy patch is a bit difficult too, but for some odd reason it seems to happen. Hell, some conservative men can’t tolerate sex in a bed with horny Reese WItherspoon types that use birth control, let alone on a staircase.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 17:28
Ironically, one of the “R” rated films on the top twenty grossing of all time is….wait for it…Mel Gibson’s The Passion Of The Christ
All that god-porn must have driven the censors wild…
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 17:29
Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT go to Aliciacolon.com, click on “Gallery” and look upon her artwork, posted in response to the tremendous demand of her reader (sic)…
N__B said,
November 30, 2009 at 17:30
Mel Gibson’s The Passion Of The Christ
There’s a flick full of necessary insertions. Too bad it wasn’t the snuff film it longed to be.
Substance McGravitas said,
November 30, 2009 at 17:31
Jesus doesn’t die in it?
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 17:32
I sorta take Colon’s musings about how comfortable sex on stairs is with as much credibility as if it was Ben Shapiro discoursing on the subject.
[looksism] Well, I mean, looking at Colon, I can imagine sex for her is painful, full stop.
I mean, with her. Also.
At any rate, I know if I could possibly get that drunk, I’d want to perfect the dismount first.[/looksism]
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 17:32
Jesus doesn’t die in it?
Yes, but theres a money shot where he comes
back.
N__B said,
November 30, 2009 at 17:37
Too bad it wasn’t the snuff film it longed to be.
Jesus doesn’t die in it?
I meant the talentless dweeb playing him seems to still be alive.
Substance McGravitas said,
November 30, 2009 at 17:38
Also blowjobs, pills, and the ability to drink like a fish.
N__B said,
November 30, 2009 at 17:40
movie mags with their color pictures of beautiful people who could honestly be called STARS
Somewhere, Fatty Arbuckle is weeping.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 17:44
I meant the talentless dweeb playing him seems to still be alive.
Hey, Jim Caviezel had a nice career before playing Jesus and still manages to keep his hand in acting…if you can call being The Prisoner “acting”…
OK, yes, politically the guy’s a doosh (he donated to Santorum’s re-election), and he should know better (he played the Count of Monte Cristo AND Jesus) about man’s inhumanity to man, but he has credits, to be sure and a little bit of talent.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 17:45
Now I find it difficult to name one female star today who doesn’t dress or act like a skank.[...]Also blowjobs, pills, and the ability to drink like a fish.
Nancy Reagan is rolling in her grave.
smedley said,
November 30, 2009 at 17:51
Her column reminded me of a “700 Club” from about twenty years ago wherein Pat’s pal Cal Thomas said in one breath that Hollywood is only interested in making money and in the next said that family movies are the biggest money-makers. It is not just “self-awareness” in which they are deficient; it is any kind of “awareness.”
TruculentandUnreliable said,
November 30, 2009 at 17:52
Now I find it difficult to name one female star today who doesn’t dress or act like a skank. Sorry. I realize it’s a sign of the times but that doesn’t mean I can’t prefer a time when class was what determined stardom.
Who the fuck is she talking about, by the way? Mary Pickford was married three times and probably had an abortion. I don’t think you can get more old skool Hollywood and wholesome appearing than Mary Fucking Pickford.
The only person I can think of off the top of my head who would be sufficiently moral and non-skanky for a wingnut would be Ingrid Bergman.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 17:55
The only person I can think of off the top of my head who would be sufficiently moral and non-skanky for a wingnut would be Ingrid Bergman.
Errrrrrrrrrrrrrr, Roberto Rosselini ring any bells for you? Both married, she gets pregnant with Isabella (what genes run in that bloodline, I ask you?), divorces her first husband and had to move to Italy to escape the anger in America.
Bitter Scribe said,
November 30, 2009 at 17:57
Her column is MUCH funnier if you read it in the voice of Margaret Dumont.
Anything is much funnier if you read it in the voice of Margaret Dumont.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
November 30, 2009 at 17:57
Errrrrrrrrrrrrrr, Roberto Rosselini ring any bells for you? Both married, she gets pregnant with Isabella (what genes run in that bloodline, I ask you?), divorces her first husband and had to move to Italy to escape the anger in America.
Oh, shit, how did I forget that? I blame it on the fact that I read the comments. I’m pretty sure I killed some brain cells.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:00
Who the fuck is she talking about, by the way?
That was the question I was asking myself, by the way.
Is she fooling herself? The only reason her glamorized image of Hollywood exists is because of the tireless work of studio heads and actors’ agents who kept the press in line with many bribes and “exclusive” stories.
Good grief, Greta Garbo had an open affair with Mercedes de Acosta…while she was banging John Gilbert! Alone, indeed!
BlackBloc said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:00
Guys, stop laughing at her and follow her advice. I assume Ms. Colon would know all about being fucked in uncomfortable places.
BlackBloc said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:01
“On the backseat of a Volkswagen?”
Roger Ailes said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:03
Stop-Motion-Photopticon Quarterly and Edison’s Magic Lantern Gazette were published in color?
Who knew.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:04
Who the fuck is she talking about, by the way?
That was the question I was asking myself, by the way.
Is she fooling herself? The only reason her glamorized image of Hollywood exists is because of the tireless work of studio heads and actors’ agents who kept the press in line with many bribes and “exclusive” stories.
Good grief, Greta Garbo, arguably the queen of Hollywood, had an open affair with Mercedes de Acosta…while she was banging John Gilbert! Alone, indeed!
Vivien Leigh, the quintessential cherub, was a drunk and a drug addict mostly because her husband, Laurence Olivier (who was her second husband and she his second wife), was banging Danny Kaye!
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:05
Who the fuck is she talking about, by the way?
That was the question I was asking myself, by the way.
Is she fooling herself? The only reason her glamorized image of Hollywood exists is because of the tireless work of studio heads and actors’ agents who kept the press in line with many bribes and “exclusive” stories.
Good grief, Greta Garbo, arguably the queen of Hollywood, had an open affair with Mercedes de Acosta…while she was banging John Gilbert! Alone, indeed!
Vivien Leigh, the quintessential cherub, was a drunk and a drug addict mostly because her husband, Laurence Olivier (who was her second husband and she his second wife), was banging Danny Kaye!
And FYWP! also.
The Goddamn Batman Had To See Viggo Mortensen’s Bare Butt In A History Of Violence, To Ease The Disappointment He Felt At Certain Scenes Which Did Not Appear In The Very Special Edition Of Lord Of The Rings, If You Catch My Drift said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:07
I’m a little flabbergasted that anyone could possibly be shocked by now that Kate Winslet would appear nude in a film; she drops trou on camera more often than I change my socks.
mark f said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:09
Friends, the nominees for Awesomest Consevative Novels are in:
— Gilead, by Marilynne Robinson
— Sometimes a Great Notion, by Ken Kesey
— Big Sur, by Jack Kerouac
— American Pastoral, by Philip Roth
— The late novels of John Dos Passos
— The spy novels of Charles McCarry
This is going to make as much sense as Jonah Goldberg trying to clain Ghostbusters was conservative because the DPW character was a total nerd.
mark f said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:10
[Kate Winslett] drops trou on camera more often than I change my socks.
It’s quite nice of her, really.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:11
I’m a little flabbergasted that anyone could possibly be shocked by now that Kate Winslet would appear nude in a film; she drops trou on camera more often than I change my socks.
For fuck’s sake, her first film was about obsessive teenage Sapphic love and matricide.
N__B said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:13
For fuck’s sake, her first film was about obsessive teenage Sapphic love and matricide.
I can see how the energy of obsessed teens could be pretty hard on a traditional mattress. They should have used one of those foam things.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:13
Friends, the nominees for Awesomest Consevative Novels are in:
You have got to be fucking kidding me.
g said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:16
Kerouac? As a Conservative writer?
{faints}
And Roth? What about “The Plot Against America”?
N__B said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:17
And Roth? What about “The Plot Against America”?
That book perfectly illustrates the ubermenschen paradise that the US could have been if that DFH Roosevelt hadn’t destroyed it with socialism.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:18
— Big Sur, by Jack Kerouac
Well, it is about a writer who loses his mind to booze, so maybe there’s something conservative-reflecting about that…
TruculentandUnreliable said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:19
Now I’m beginning to think that Miller is just taking the piss.
tigrismus said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:20
Alicia: note: stairs are a very uncomfortable place to indulge in this activity
Dear God, that is a mental image I did NOT need.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:21
For me, the shocking pick is Ken “Merry Prankster” Kesey.
I wonder if the neo-cons are trying a bit TOO hard to hold onto their faux-hippy legacies…
N__B said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:22
Friends, the nominees for Awesomest Consevative Novels are in:
How did they miss Southern’s “Candy”? The title character is happy and dumb, so she must be a republican.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:22
Anybody catch that John-Boy posted a link to his own website…where comments are welcome? :-)
Willy said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:26
Yeah, Kesey’s inclusion made me laugh. Electric Kool Aid Acid Test was such an exposition of conservative values.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:26
I wonder if the neo-cons are trying a bit TOO hard to hold onto their faux-hippy legacies…
In the context of the Roth pick, it’s pretty clear that he’s trying to poke hippies in the eye. Why people (conservatives, really) who aren’t even Baby Boomers continue to fight the culture wars of the 60s, I’ll never understand.
The Kesey and Roth picks I actually get in some twisted way. Big Sur, though??!
mark f said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:27
For me, the shocking pick is Ken “Merry Prankster” Kesey.
Well, the family sticks up to a big bad Union in it! Sure, they destroy themselves, their relationships, their home, and their business in the process, and none of them were very sympathetic in the first place, but what’s really heroic is not paying fair wages.
If I had my way the book would be titled Sometimes a Great Notion to Go Galt is Really Fucking Stupid.
cyntax said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:32
Right, yes Ms. Colon. I get it: the sex scenes in movies are often dramatized to increase their appeal.
But why is she only complaining about sex scenes? Does she really think Brice Willis makes a habit of driving police cars into helicopters? Hollywood is mostly about escapism (for better or worse), and a more interesting question might be why we always have to have erotic thrillers in which someone promiscuous (usually a woman) ends up dying. We can get our jollies but someone’s gotta pay.
drew42 said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:32
The reason Caligula sucked was the gratuitous sex. If the producers removed all the naughty bits , it would have gotten a PG rating, and may have been one of the highest-grossing movies of all time.
Pryme said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:33
This is going to make as much sense as Jonah Goldberg trying to clain Ghostbusters was conservative because the DPW character was a total nerd.
Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!
gocart mozart said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:37
Too bad it wasn’t the snuff film it longed to be.
“Jesus doesn’t die in it?”
He got better
Citizen_X said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:38
And what do they mean, “The late novels of John Dos Passos?” All of them? Is that to avoid picking one so you can’t see how much he declined since his anarchist days? Or how poorly it might compare to U.S.A. (which is kind of the fulcrum between his revolutionary and McCarthyite periods)?
mark f said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:40
Philip Roth appeals to conservatives because there aren’t any unnecessary insertions in his writing.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:40
C_X,
In fairness to Miller, Dos Passos did turn vigorously anti-Communist and anti-Socialist in his later years, and warned often (including a speech at the 1932 Democratic National Convention) about FDR’s big government programs as reflected in his USA trilogy.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:40
Philip Roth appeals to conservatives because there aren’t any unnecessary insertions in his writing.
And LOTS of fapping.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:42
And what do they mean, “The late novels of John Dos Passos?” All of them?
I don’t know, but it’s basically a concession that rightwing politics make for shitty, shitty writing.
gocart mozart said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:46
And what do they mean, “The late novels of John Dos Passos?” All of them?
Only the ones he submitted to his publisher after deadline.
Ted the Slacker said,
November 30, 2009 at 18:56
So I broke down and read the whole goddamn piece… And Ms Colon reckons the the Love Actually vignette involving the two stand-ins for a sex-scene is gratuitous eroticism?
You know, maybe I’d have some empathy for the wingnut mind if they could identify half-decent examples to illustrate their points. But when they criticize a brilliantly subtle and ironic take on the very issue arousing their poutrage, well, you just have to write them off as stupid assholes.
DJ said,
November 30, 2009 at 19:07
In fairness to Miller, Dos Passos did turn vigorously anti-Communist and anti-Socialist in his later years, and warned often (including a speech at the 1932 Democratic National Convention) about FDR’s big government programs as reflected in his USA trilogy.
No, USA was rather leftist and anti-WW I. You might be thinking of his District of Columbia trilogy.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 19:08
But when they criticize a brilliantly subtle and ironic take on the very issue arousing their poutrage, well, you just have to write them off as stupid assholes.
BUT SHE SHOWS HER BOOBIES!!!!!
Sirius Lunacy said,
November 30, 2009 at 19:11
Oh, I thought they were referring to the ones written after he’d died, the ones by the zombie john dos passos.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
November 30, 2009 at 19:11
Okay, does Poe’s Law apply to discussions of books? From Miller’s blog:
“I find it hard to believe nobody’s suggested Sinclair Lewis’ supremely conservative 1935 novel ‘It Can’t Happen Here.’ In it, duly elected President of the United States Berzelius ‘Buzz’ Windrip is forced to defend the principle of the Unitary Executive from the seditious attacks of liberal journalist Doremus Jessup.
Whether it’s bravely fighting off his enemies in the Mainstream Media, mobilizing bands of patriots (‘Minutemen’ in the novel) to oppose liberal treachery, or declaring war on Mexico to demonstrate America’s resolve, Buzz Windrip is the consummate conservative hero. Highly recommended!”
Sirius Lunacy said,
November 30, 2009 at 19:20
I still think “My Pet Goat” should be high on the list for coservative novels. It has a link to 9/11, which passes a very important conservative litmus test. Also it is written at a level that some conservatives just might understand.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 19:20
“I find it hard to believe nobody’s suggested Sinclair Lewis’ supremely conservative 1935 novel ‘It Can’t Happen Here.’…Buzz Windrip is the consummate conservative hero.
Thus proving once more that conservatives take Stephen Colbert seriously, because satire is unknown to them…
Unless the comment is meant sarcastically, of course.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 19:23
No, USA was rather leftist and anti-WW I.
I think you’ll find it evolves from 1919 to Big Money, and his worldview adjusts to a distinctly (altho less strident than later) anti-labor, anti-Communist tone as the trilogy is published.
That was the take I had from it, altho we did study Dos Passos’ bio before reading it. At any rate, there was an awful lot of foreshadowing, I felt, in the last third of the trilogy.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
November 30, 2009 at 19:33
Unless the comment is meant sarcastically, of course.
I think it might be. I’d expect a conservative to argue that Obama=Buzz Windrip, not that Buzz Windrip is some sort of hero.
But who the fuck knows? These people think that fascism is a leftist movement.
J Neo Marvin said,
November 30, 2009 at 19:36
The reason Caligula sucked was the gratuitous sex. If the producers removed all the naughty bits , it would have gotten a PG rating, and may have been one of the
highest-grossingshortest movies of all time.FTFY.
g said,
November 30, 2009 at 19:39
I find it hard to believe nobody’s suggested Sinclair Lewis’ supremely conservative 1935 novel ‘It Can’t Happen Here.’…Buzz Windrip is the consummate conservative hero.
Has to be a spoof. Has to. They aren’t that dumb, are they?
noen said,
November 30, 2009 at 19:41
“note: stairs are a very uncomfortable place to indulge in this activity”
Discomfort was the whole point of that scene, and Viggo was très très hawt in that movie too, and also.
noen said,
November 30, 2009 at 19:44
RedComet:
“Let’s face it, coitus isn’t really all that fun to watch. I[...] I took a movie appreciation class in high school.”
Obviously one of the wing-nut intellectual elite.
Marion in Savannah said,
November 30, 2009 at 19:57
“Philip Roth appeals to conservatives because there aren’t any unnecessary insertions in his writing.”
Well, Portnoy… I’ve never looked at a piece of liver the same way since…
Substance McGravitas said,
November 30, 2009 at 20:02
Michael Moriarty is still cuckoo.
http://bighollywood.breitbart.com/mmoriarty/2009/11/30/hello-big-hollywood/
mark f said,
November 30, 2009 at 20:15
Contact Michael at rainbowfamily2008@yahoo.com.
WTF?
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 20:17
Well, Portnoy… I’ve never looked at a piece of liver the same way since…
Or a cored apple.
Substance McGravitas said,
November 30, 2009 at 20:19
Alice Cooper fucked jelly doughnuts.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 20:26
Alice Cooper fucked jelly doughnuts.
And yet, the hole never got bigger…
Bitter Scribe said,
November 30, 2009 at 20:28
Michael Moriarty is still cuckoo.
I think his decision to write for Big Hollywood will turn out to be his best career move since deciding to put the screws to Dick Wolf.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 20:43
I think his decision to write for Big Hollywood will turn out to be his best career move since deciding to put the screws to Dick Wolf.
Worse than his vanity production “Hitler Meets Christ”, in which good ol’ Mike plays…wait for it…Hitler?
Dr. Archetype said,
November 30, 2009 at 20:44
Michael Moriarity sez:
“that’s why I’m here … as a pro-life libertarian”
‘Pro-life libertarian’ = ‘I like my rights just fine, but yours could use some curtailing.’ Another conservative who thinks he’s a libertarian because he agrees with Grover Norquist.
“Alice Cooper fucked jelly doughnuts.”
Yes, but it was in a Tarzan movie so it’s OK by Alicia Colon.
Sirius Lunacy said,
November 30, 2009 at 20:49
Michael Moriarty:
Makes me wonder if he realizes that with his parents in prison for having two abortions his conception would have been rather unlikely.
gocart mozart said,
November 30, 2009 at 20:54
“sexual heat that a long gone Maureen O’Sullivan and Johnny Weismuller managed to generate in our own minds.”
Veiled masturbation reference.
Dr. Archetype said,
November 30, 2009 at 20:57
I have performed a Fristian (i.e., ‘remote’) diagnosis of Michael Moriarty and can only arrive at a finding of brain damage from prenatal alcohol syndrome, compounded by heavy drinking later in life.
All ellipses and italics are sic.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 20:59
With an actual lifetime of survivor’s guilt
With all due respect to our vaginally-enhanced blogmates…Moriarity is a pussy.
Sirius Lunacy said,
November 30, 2009 at 21:00
I also just want to point out that the previous Colon thread sat at the perfect number of comments for nearly ten hours until the Goddamned Batman came along.
Johnny Coelacanth said,
November 30, 2009 at 21:00
” but divorce after two abortions … for the surviving children … is a Holocaust zone.”
What kind of zone is it for the non-surviving children?
mark f said,
November 30, 2009 at 21:01
No one was arrested … because no one knew … except for my equally stunned sister and myself.
Why were Michael Moriarty and his equally stunned sister arrested? :(
Johnny Coelacanth said,
November 30, 2009 at 21:03
“the rather dumbfounded age of ten”
I’m guessing -all- of Moriarty’s ages are equally dumbfounded.
Whale Chowder (nee OneMan) said,
November 30, 2009 at 21:19
If Moriarity’s parents had two abortions in the face of criminal penalties, why, again, does he think criminalizing abortion is a good idea? How could he possibly come to the conclusion that criminalizing abortion makes it any less likely?
How the fuck does that idea follow from the facts?
God. The stupidity is just mind-numbing.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 21:22
If Moriarity’s parents had two abortions in the face of criminal penalties, why, again, does he think criminalizing abortion is a good idea?
It’s obvious: most people are law-abiding, unlike this thug’s parents.
tigrismus said,
November 30, 2009 at 21:22
Divorcing after aborting two fetuses is just like brutalizing and killing millions of Jews, gypsies, gays, handicapped, etc. And survivor’s guilt, good God. A sense of proportion: GET ONE.
Substance McGravitas said,
November 30, 2009 at 21:22
I too wished my parents were in jail when I was young. They simply would not buy Frankenberry for me.
tigrismus said,
November 30, 2009 at 21:32
Mr Libertarian thinks the penalty for having an abortion should be that the father, mother, and doctor should be subjected to intrusive government surveillance for multi-year period.
Smiling Mortician said,
November 30, 2009 at 21:33
Way to trigger me, Substance.
tigrismus said,
November 30, 2009 at 21:38
Way to trigger me, Substance.
HOTCHA!
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 21:39
They simply would not buy Frankenberry for me.
Quisp. Mine was Quisp. When they refused to buy it, I held my breath.
Now that it’s off the market, I still refuse to breathe, which makes me a libertarian.
NutellaonToast said,
November 30, 2009 at 21:40
“I wonder what the children of Julianne Moore will think of her naked lap dance in “Boogie Nights” when they’re old enough to see the film.”
Holy shit. She’s complaining about a sex scene in a movie about a porn star. Is she gonna lambaste GI Joe for being violent next?
Substance McGravitas said,
November 30, 2009 at 21:41
MY CHILDHOOD WAS ONE OF DESPERATION. I had even less chance of getting the Fruit Brute, but then I wasn’t Catholic.
Bitter Scribe said,
November 30, 2009 at 21:43
Is she gonna lambaste GI Joe for being violent next?
Who knows. Does she even think excessive movie violence is a bad thing to begin with?
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 21:45
Does she even think excessive movie violence is a bad thing to begin with?
No, because violence doesn’t rate an “R” rating…unless it’s Pulp Fiction.
Smut Clyde said,
November 30, 2009 at 21:47
Now that it’s off the market, I still refuse to breathe, which makes me a
libertarianzombie.Fickzled.
Major Kong said,
November 30, 2009 at 21:48
Julianne Moore did a naked lap dance in a movie and I didn’t see it?
Quick! To Netflix!
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 21:48
Now that it’s off the market, I still refuse to breathe, which makes me a zombie.
Hey! I resent that!
Gonna finish those branes?
Smut Clyde said,
November 30, 2009 at 21:51
I blame the Cultural Left for fostering the victim mentality and making easier for people to run from responsibility for how their lives turn out.
Sirius Lunacy said,
November 30, 2009 at 21:52
Hurry, I would not be surprised if one or maybe both of Alicia’s readers are thinking the same thing.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
November 30, 2009 at 21:53
I had no idea Michael Moriarty was such a fucking loser.
I also had no idea that monster-themed cereals existed besides the holy trinity of Boo Berry, Franken Berry, and Count Chocola. You learn something new every day!
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 21:58
Well, T&U, in fairness, Quisp was a space alien.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
November 30, 2009 at 21:58
Julianne Moore did a naked lap dance in a movie and I didn’t see it?
Just know that Marky Mark also shows a somewhat terrifying prosthetic dong. And I *think* John C. Reilly wears hot pants, but I could be wrong–it’s been a long time since I’ve seen it.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 21:59
So I’m sitting here listening to “A Day In The Life,” and believe it or not, the Beatles give props to BigHollywood.com
Steve said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:04
Notice how she finds time to criticise the sex in ‘A History Of Violence’, but not the, uh, violence . . . well, we all know sex and passion are the real killers, but blowing people’s brains out is an American tradition.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:05
Oh man, I just found my favorite new movie review site. Unintentionally, it’s very salacious, while trying to give parents very detailed reviews of the content.
mark f said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:05
John C. Reilly may or may not be in hot pants, but he gives an absolute classic performance as a One-Upper. And he makes the whole recording studio sequence.
paleotectonics said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:06
Michael Moriarty (apparently, MM to his friends – eeeep, those comments are… well, ummm, bad).
Wow, just wow. Sort of a stream of consciousness act, Jack Kerouac meets Terry Bradshaw.
“The well is deep, but socialism is the meth of liberal socialism.”
“I am the goat that escaped Dick Wolf. And America is the socialism of American clarification.”
“Everything I have ever needed to know I learned from Elias Kazan and Verne Troyer.”
Jinkies, what a human Whack-A-Mole game…
TruculentandUnreliable said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:08
Well, T&U, in fairness, Quisp was a space alien.
I was actually talking about Fruit Brute (what an awful name!), but I’d never heard of Quisp, either.
I begged and begged for Rainbow Brite cereal, and when I finally got it, I couldn’t finish the box because it was so nasty. And it scraped the hell out of my mouth.
I remember talking about what a marketing ripoff it was. This is probably part of the reason why I had no friends–what normal six-year-old child analyzes cereal tie-ins?
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:12
So when does the media enable the right-wing call for Tiger Woods’ long form vault copy birth certificate?
Smut Clyde said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:13
Quisp. Mine was Quisp.
You people are descending to the worst kind of cereal-whistle politics.
Substance McGravitas said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:15
The CAP Movie Ministry did not bother to review Boogie Nights.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:16
Holy crap! They still make it!
Quisp
Sirius Lunacy said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:16
Unfortunately the information on this site is obviously unreliable. It says nothing of a Julianne Moore naked lap dance anywhere. And since I’m sure Ms Colon would do her research and get her facts straight it is certainly screenit.com that has made the error.
Substance McGravitas said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:17
Pac Man Cereal was great – marshmallows galore – and then they put in Super Pac Man, a GIANT marshmallow.
Steerpike said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:24
When they introduced Quisp, it was paired, IIRC, with another product called “Quake”, and kids were supposed to vote on their favorite. Apparently, Quisp won that particular referendum, but I never voted, alas, because my parents also never bought the good cereal. We always had a selection of “healthy” cereals with names like “Toasted Grain Pellets ‘N Chaff–Now With extra Vitamin Nuggets!”
Bitter Scribe said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:25
The only time I ever remember Julianne Moore getting naked was in Short Cuts. And that was just from the waist down.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:25
Pac Man Cereal was great – marshmallows galore – and then they put in Super Pac Man, a GIANT marshmallow.
Ah! I forgot about Pac Man Cereal! Look what comes up when you Google it.
Substance McGravitas said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:26
I would have voted had I not been aborted.
Willy said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:27
From the AW3S0M3 movie review site:
We hear Little Bill’s wife having sex again
We?
gocart mozart said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:28
“So I’m sitting here listening to “A Day In The Life,”
Actor, did you see Jeff Beck’s instrumental version of that song on HBO last night? It was incredible.
Substance McGravitas said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:31
Quite apart from the naked stuff, you should see more movies.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:31
The only time I ever remember Julianne Moore getting naked was in Short Cuts. And that was just from the waist down.
I think she’s naked or almost naked in The Big Lebowski. I honestly don’t remember if she was ever naked in Boogie Nights.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:35
Dammit!
The best thing about that movie–besides a naked Julianne Moore and the fact that it’s fucking hilarious–is the fact that Aimee Mann is in it.
Till said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:37
She actually kinda-sorta seems to get it, but then has a fainting spell due to the “graphic display.”
‘Course, the scenes weren’t remotely erotic, they were adorably awkward and nonsexual. Hence teh funneh.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:40
I honestly don’t remember if she was ever naked in Boogie Nights.
She gets balled hard by Mark Wahlberg. Don’t recall how much you see, but it’s enough to stir a young man’s…fancy.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:42
We always had a selection of “healthy” cereals with names like “Toasted Grain Pellets ‘N Chaff–Now With extra Vitamin Nuggets!”
I was raised on Product 19, a diet cereal, despite the fact that I ranked about the 20% percentile in weight. Once in a while, I could get my mom to spring for corn flakes.
Actor, did you see Jeff Beck’s instrumental version of that song on HBO last night?
No. I don’t get HBO so I have to wait until MTV decides to purchase it for Paladia. Or I could buy tickets to the Beck/Clapton tour in 2010.
Smut Clyde said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:46
A young man’s fancy WHAT?
Substance McGravitas said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:48
The evidence demostrates that a young man’s fancy turns to fighting robots as often as anything else.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:48
A young man’s fancy WHAT?
You know! Thingy!
Smut Clyde said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:51
Actor212 is triggering my circumcision issues.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:53
Actor212 is triggering my circumcision issues.
*crossing legs*
No, but thanks.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:54
Actor212 is triggering my circumcision issues.
He should really cut it out.
In non-genitalia related news, does anyone else besides me think that Huckabee’s toast?
Latey McLaterton said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:54
Frankenberry is the shit.
Substance McGravitas said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:55
Despite the disapproval of the Comics Code Authority, the circumcision issue was Spiderman’s high point.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:58
T&U,
You think a Willie Horton thing?
Brandi said,
November 30, 2009 at 22:59
I was actually talking about Fruit Brute (what an awful name!), but I’d never heard of Quisp, either.
Apparently there was something called Yummy Mummy, too. (Never saw it or Fruit Brute, even as a child in the early 70s.)
Grace Nearing said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:01
No, no it doesn’t.
An unhappy Elaine sits at the counter as the waitress pours her coffee.
WAITRESS: Rough night?
ELAINE: Ugh. You wouldn’t believe it. My boyfriend dumped me. My friends, who I don’t even like, they won’t talk to me. (face-pulling) All because I don’t like that stupid English Patient movie.
WAITRESS: Really? I thought it was pretty good.
ELAINE: Oh, come on. Good? What was good about it? (scoffs) Those sex scenes! I mean, please! Gimme something I can use!
WAITRESS: (sour) Well, I liked it.
The waitress takes the coffee pot and walks away into the back.
ELAINE: (calling after) Hey. You forgot about my piece of pie. Hello?
(irritated) You know, sex in a tub. That doesn’t work!
Seinfeld of course.
Smut Clyde said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:01
Huckabee’s toast
Stuck on the subject of breakfast food, then.
acrannymint said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:02
You know! Thingy
Is it a fiendish thingy?
TruculentandUnreliable said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:05
You think a Willie Horton thing?
I do. The Malkinites are already all over his ass. Pretty much *all* Republicans agree that it’s important to be “tough on crime.” I have a feeling he’ll get a beatdown in the primaries, especially since this is the second time that someone he’s pardoned has re-offended. And one of the cops this guy killed was active in the Tea Party movement. I mean, there’s still a lot of time between now and the Republican primary, but I think he’s toast.
kingubu said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:05
terrifying prosthetic dong
Band Name of Teh Day™
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:05
I remember Fruity Yummy Mummy. There were four in that series, Chocula, Frankenberry, Boo Berry and Fruity Yummy Mummy.
And of course, Frankenberry stool…
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:06
Is it a fiendish thingy?
You’ve seen my kidney stone, I see.
Bitter Scribe said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:07
In non-genitalia related news, does anyone else besides me think that Huckabee’s toast?
Who knows, considering the morons he caters to. I don’t think he should be, for this. Every time some jailbird commits a horrible crime, whoever let him out of his prison last gets roasted for not having a crystal ball. It’s a cheap shot. Much as I dislike Huckabee, I dislike using the dead bodies of four police officers to score cheap political points even more.
Substance McGravitas said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:07
Seems likely that Yummy Mummy replaced the Fruit Brute.
Johnny Pez said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:09
Quake was never the same after they changed the mascot from a miner to a cowboy.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:11
changed the mascot from a miner to a cowboy.
By the by, how many ranch hands cringed when Hostess introduced “Twinkie the Cowboy”?
Knights in Black Satin said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:12
This person is fairly correct in the idea that using “suggestive, tantalizing” methods to show sex is quite erotically -uh- stimulating. The diaphanous, translucent dress being more enthralling (to some) than just nude boobs & butts.
But she uses this meme as a justification for censorship of more explicit sex. That’s the stupid wingnuttia rationalization. She (claims that she) doesn’t like crude sex, therefore no one should be allowed to see it.
Knights in Black Satin said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:15
“actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 16:49
note: stairs are a very uncomfortable place to indulge in this activity
Then ur doin’ it RONG!”
Links, please.
wiley said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:15
She doesn’t think any man today is as sexy as Johnny Weismuller. That’s kind of perverse.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:16
. Much as I dislike Huckabee, I dislike using the dead bodies of four police officers to score cheap political points even more.
I agree, and I think that accusing someone of being soft on crime because he pardoned a young man is pretty stupid. (Though I am disturbed that his reasons for pardoning him may be based on religion). But I don’t think he’ll even make it out of the primary, which will be chock full of stupid people who love to score cheap political points.
laym said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:18
I wonder what the children of Julianne Moore will think of her naked lap dance in “Boogie Nights”
I wonder if the children of Julianne Moore, an actress, will comprehend that their mother is an actress, someone who performs in character, in works of fiction.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:18
Kiniggit,
Sex On The Stairs– Doin’ It Rite!
Also.
NSFW
Johnny Pez said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:20
But I don’t think he’ll even make it out of the primary, which will be chock full of stupid people who love to score cheap political points.
If Huck didn’t want to face primaries full of stupid people, he shouldn’t have been a Republican.
Knights in Black Satin said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:22
When I hear the name Kate Winslet, I don’t think Titanic (a movie which gave me nightmares even tho I never saw it), I think of “Sense & Sensibility” and the scene where Alan Rickman carries her to shelter in the rain. I thought He’d burst something important. I said “ROLL her, Mr. Rickman, it’ll be easier and faster!”
Smut Clyde said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:24
Sex On The Stairs– Doin’ It Rite!
Those are not stains, they are part of the Dazzle-camouflage paint job.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:28
I said “ROLL her, Mr. Rickman, it’ll be easier and faster!”
Knights,
I totally would have done her in Revolutionary Road, however.
Yes. That’s her now.
Smut Clyde said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:29
Yummy Mummy.
Smut Clyde said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:31
Yummy Mummy –
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mellified_Man
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:33
All due respect, Smut, but this is more in keeping with your nym:
Real Life Yummy Mummies
Steerpike said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:41
“Twinkie the Cowboy”?
“Brokeback mountin’”?
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:45
Cowboys are the Jews of the processed snack food industry.
Substance McGravitas said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:48
All of those Hostess products made good insults. You could call someone a Twinkie, a Ding Dong, or a Fruit Pie.
tigrismus said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:50
Yummy Mummy –
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mellified_Man
100 years old, huh? Like sweet jerky, I guess. Ew.
Substance McGravitas said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:51
Honey buns.
actor212 said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:52
You could call someone a Twinkie, a Ding Dong, or a Fruit Pie.
Apropos of this, true story (heard it on Lewis Black’s holiday special on History last night).
Do you know the derivation of “Ho Ho Ho”?
Turns out the original Saint attributed to Santa Claus, St Nicholas, saved three young girls in the Third Century BCE from selling themselves into prostitution.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:56
Yes. That’s her now.
What?! It’s not like she weighed, like, 800 pounds before or was some sort of hideous beast. She’s a classically beautiful woman.
Kate Winslet always has been and always will be hot. Even with that stupid hair in Sense and Sensibility.
Xecky Gilchrist said,
November 30, 2009 at 23:59
Divorces are a war zone, of course … but divorce after two abortions … for the surviving children … is a Holocaust zone.
This is much funnier if you read it in the voice of William Shatner.
actor212 said,
December 1, 2009 at 0:02
This is much funnier if you read it in the voice of William Shatner.
Her column is MUCH funnier if you read it in the voice of Margaret Dumont.
You know, there’s a Christmas present idea here…right wing nut case blogs read by famous bad actors and actresses.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
December 1, 2009 at 0:07
This is not to say I don’t love a good rickrolling joke, of course.
Djur said,
December 1, 2009 at 0:11
*blink* What?
tigrismus said,
December 1, 2009 at 0:11
Honey buns.
Yes, Pookie?
Bitter Scribe said,
December 1, 2009 at 0:15
You know, there’s a Christmas present idea here…right wing nut case blogs read by famous bad actors and actresses.
Dibs on Charo reading Andrew Breitbart.
Substance McGravitas said,
December 1, 2009 at 0:18
The Hostess Tiger Tail is, of course, a term of endearment, my little Chocodile.
M. Bouffant said,
December 1, 2009 at 0:18
Frankenberry Stool: I had one of Mickey D’s Shamrock (Can’t they get real rocks?) Shakes once & pooped green, which gave me quite a start until I connected the dots, or put two & two together.
Djur said,
December 1, 2009 at 0:19
Although I don’t think that calling someone a Cupcake or a Tiger Tail is an epic ice burn.
Djur said,
December 1, 2009 at 0:21
Damn it, McG. I was going to drop the Chocodile next.
Those shits are delicious.
But seriously: are we saying that Kate Winslet is fat now? Is that a thing? Or that she was fat? Is that really… is that a thing? Because, uh.
Substance McGravitas said,
December 1, 2009 at 0:21
Seems crazy to me.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
December 1, 2009 at 0:22
Although I don’t think that calling someone a Cupcake or a Tiger Tail is an epic ice burn.
And “Donette” would make an adorable nickname.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
December 1, 2009 at 0:23
But seriously: are we saying that Kate Winslet is fat now? Is that a thing? Or that she was fat? Is that really… is that a thing? Because, uh.
Right? I’m going to go cry into my Donettes now. The powdered sugar kind–the chocolate are gross.
Xecky Gilchrist said,
December 1, 2009 at 0:24
right wing nut case blogs read by famous bad actors and actresses.
That reminds me of the series of animations somebody did a while back about the 101st Fighting Keyboarders – they voiced the “thank God George Bush is our president” bit like an Underpants Gnome, and I about vomited from laughing. I’ll have to find that.
Xecky Gilchrist said,
December 1, 2009 at 0:28
…oh, yes, it was “The War of the Words.” Looks like the site is gone now, checking archive.org.
M. Bouffant said,
December 1, 2009 at 0:28
The Coast is the most, ’cause we got FRESH Chocodiles! Suck it, Eastern Elitests!!1
And: Fruit Brute = Rough Trade.
Xecky Gilchrist said,
December 1, 2009 at 0:29
The Coast is the most, ’cause we got FRESH Chocodiles! Suck it, Eastern Elitests!!1
I dunno – they have all the Mallomars.
And here in Flyover Central I got nothin’ but brine shrimp and fatass crickets.
N__B said,
December 1, 2009 at 0:31
they changed the mascot from a miner to a cowboy.
Veiled circumcision reference.
Substance McGravitas said,
December 1, 2009 at 0:33
And the egg creams.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
December 1, 2009 at 0:33
And here in Flyover Central I got nothin’ but brine shrimp and fatass crickets.
Hey, we have Rotel. And I am told by my eastcoastian friends that we have far more varieties of Doritos and Cheetos than they could ever imagine.
Smut Clyde said,
December 1, 2009 at 0:33
right wing nut case blogs read by famous
badactors and actresses.Zombie Rob Sterling? Zombie Vincent Price?
Tiger Tail is, of course, a term of endearment
I could not possibly comment.
M. Bouffant said,
December 1, 2009 at 0:34
I can only assume that if all here are wallowing in nostalgia for the sweetened crap of their youth, or Kate Winslet, that we are somehow in a cyber assisted-living facility for dementia patients, drifting between consciousness & the real world, no longer sure if we are seven or 87.
Smut Clyde said,
December 1, 2009 at 0:36
Nurse? M. Bouffant keeps us all awake with his snoring. Can’t you give him more paraldehyde?
Substance McGravitas said,
December 1, 2009 at 0:37
The photo caption LIES! Fun Dip IS NOT BEING CONSUMED!
Oh for the days when it was Lik-M-Aid…
Get closer to the ear-horn, sonny!
Anonymous said,
December 1, 2009 at 0:38
Fiendish thingy
This kind of fiendish thingy
M. Bouffant said,
December 1, 2009 at 0:50
Nurse? M. Bouffant keeps us all awake with his snoring.
Truth must be told: One (Or two, who’s counting?) exes ago I awoke to find said ex sleeping w/ her head at the foot of the bed. She explained that I was, indeed, keeping her from a sound sleep w/ my manly snoring.
Audio reinforcement. (Sadly, not the O. V.)
M. Bouffant said,
December 1, 2009 at 1:03
Oh dear, I have driven everyone away w/ my snoring & old person odor. But I just trimmed my eyebrows.
gocart mozart said,
December 1, 2009 at 1:04
What this post needs is some cereal killers. Perhaps some sugar frosted Bloody Benders.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bloody_Benders
Whale Chowder (nee OneMan) said,
December 1, 2009 at 1:07
“I have driven everyone away w/ my snoring & old person odor.”
The advantage of getting old is you can’t hear the snoring nor smell the smells.
Er, so I’ve heard.
Xecky Gilchrist said,
December 1, 2009 at 1:17
Perhaps some sugar frosted Bloody Benders.
The cereal I thought was named in the worst taste was this stuff. I didn’t realize the cereal in its original form predated the military slang – but still, reintroducing it in 1987, they should have been aware of that.
Substance McGravitas said,
December 1, 2009 at 1:18
That hard candy keeps calling me back.
bjacques said,
December 1, 2009 at 1:21
Sorry, still trying to wrap my head around “eventually threaded their legendary grand guignol through the minds of Karl Marx, Vladimir Ilytch Lenin, Joseph Stalin and Mao Tse Tung.” I’m a huge fan of Grand Guignol, but I just gave up. Anybody get any further?
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
December 1, 2009 at 1:33
I must remark that if more movies featured Julianne Moore naked, bottom or top or both, movie attendance by certain zombies would increase somewhat.
Smut Clyde said,
December 1, 2009 at 1:34
Tiger Tail is, of course, a term of endearment
Further research reveals that neither “puma butt” nor “cougar queue” are acceptable substitutes. Also, I will apparently be sleeping in the lounge tonight.
M. Bouffant said,
December 1, 2009 at 1:34
The hard candy is so the aged/aging can watch people who still have their teeth eat stuff.
M. Bouffant said,
December 1, 2009 at 1:36
By “lounge,” do you mean living room/sitting room/parlor/what-not, or Cocktail Lounge?
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
December 1, 2009 at 1:41
All you fine folks embedding links?
Don’t bother because links from Substance and Smut have made me very very very averse to clicking anything linky on this site. Imma stayin in the boat.
M. Bouffant said,
December 1, 2009 at 1:53
Funny you should mention it, zr, & I’m not one to bitch (Much!) but my link to fun that a Zombie might even enjoy was just et by WP.
About the third time recently, & while the previous ones were probably a wise editing move by WP, or at least so trivial they weren’t worth the re-type, this is good (Jack T. Cthulhu, sort of. Also, a pdf. Does that matter anymore?) & claims not to have been online previously.
Will now tempt fate by linking to source.
Smut Clyde said,
December 1, 2009 at 2:00
M. Bouffant trusted Mick Farren with the Blink code?
This will not end well.
tigrismus said,
December 1, 2009 at 2:04
Hey, we have Rotel.
Meh, who doesn’t.
M. Bouffant said,
December 1, 2009 at 2:08
I doubt MF’s desire to do much w/ his page, or he may have actual stuff to do, but I’ve been warned.
actor212 said,
December 1, 2009 at 2:13
I dunno – they have all the Mallomars.
And the egg creams.
And Necco wafers.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
December 1, 2009 at 2:23
I had one of Mickey D’s Shamrock (Can’t they get real rocks?) Shakes once & pooped green, which gave me quite a start until I connected the dots, or put two & two together.
O’Grimacey’s revenge!
M. Bouffant said,
December 1, 2009 at 2:25
PENIS by Bina.
Steerpike said,
December 1, 2009 at 2:25
Wait a mini, what about the undeniably drug-inspired Freakies Cereal?
Tell me this was developed by people on fresh air
TruculentandUnreliable said,
December 1, 2009 at 2:28
What this post needs is some cereal killers. Perhaps some sugar frosted Bloody Benders.
Ah! This is where mah people are from. My great-granddad played cards with the Benders and was (according to legend, anyway) courting Kate until they disappeared due to being in trouble with the law and all.
Larkspur said,
December 1, 2009 at 2:43
KnightsinBlackSatin, oh my, you are in such big trouble for calling Kate Winslett fat. Get over here right this instant, ’cause I am going to spank your undoubtedly skinny ass from now till Christmas. Oof, you make me so mad. I will spank your skinny ass on the stairs, the ones that lead to the laundry room.
And what’s with all the breakfast cereal nostalgia? When I was a youngster, we ate whatever grain the chickens didn’t finish, with whatever milk we could squeeze out of the cow. And we were thankful. Demanding that our parents buy us a froofy breakfast cereal, or shoes, or a game? Beyond the pale blue event horizon.
Spoiled little bastards, the lot of you.
Major Kong said,
December 1, 2009 at 2:44
The Coast is the most, ’cause we got FRESH Chocodiles!
And you have In-N-Out Burgers damn you!
I’m now addicted to those things and I have to get one any time I go to California.
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
December 1, 2009 at 2:46
And you have In-N-Out Burgers damn you!
They actually have those in Utah now, but I haven’t dropped by. So I guess I get to count one culinary point.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
December 1, 2009 at 2:54
And you have In-N-Out Burgers damn you!
When In-N-Out gets a liquor license, I’ll consider being jealous!
Smut Clyde said,
December 1, 2009 at 2:59
Hamhose, Gargle, Cowmumble, Grumble, Goody-Goody, Snorkeldorf and the leader BossMoss
It would be irresponsible not to speculate about Pinko Punko’s childhood.
Steerpike said,
December 1, 2009 at 3:00
Great stuff over a BJuice:
a ninja? Are you fucking kidding me?
Steerpike said,
December 1, 2009 at 3:01
“hamhose and gargle” Nothing veiled there at all.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
December 1, 2009 at 3:02
Totally off-topic, but…
Clark Ashton Smith profiled in L.A. Times.
WOLVERINES!!!!VOORMIS!!!!!Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
December 1, 2009 at 3:04
“hamhose and gargle” Nothing veiled there at all.
Now, if it were Hamwallet, that’d be different.
gocart mozart said,
December 1, 2009 at 3:05
Canging topics: It seems pretty clear to me that Tiger Woods was having an affair, his wife found out, went ballistic and attacked him with a golf club. He tried to escape, drove his getaway car, his wife smashed the back window out, and then she tried to hit his face on to the fairway. When the cops/ambulance showed up, the back window of his car was shattered and he was lying on the pavement semi-conscious with his wife saying “please help my husband.”
Discuss.
gocart mozart said,
December 1, 2009 at 3:07
“Changing topics” obviously. I blame the liberal media
Substance McGravitas said,
December 1, 2009 at 3:07
No.
tigrismus said,
December 1, 2009 at 3:07
Ed Schultz just spent fifteen minutes talking about the party crashers, and actually said “What is one of them were a ninja? Obama could have been killed.”
OMG OMG OMG what if one of them had been ATOMIC ROBOHITLER?!!
tigrismus said,
December 1, 2009 at 3:09
with ICE-LASER EYES?!!!!
Substance McGravitas said,
December 1, 2009 at 3:12
You can tell Atomic Robohitler from the accent.
Steerpike said,
December 1, 2009 at 3:13
Ed Schulz is trying to be the Glen Beck of the left, and really, I don’t think we need one.
gocart mozart said,
December 1, 2009 at 3:13
Discuss.
No.
Well than how ’bout the Octomom Substance?
Larkspur said,
December 1, 2009 at 3:14
You can tell Atomic Robohitler from the accent.
Also too, the governor of my state.
Substance McGravitas said,
December 1, 2009 at 3:15
For this, I have a relevant link.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
December 1, 2009 at 3:15
“What is one of them were a ninja? Obama could have been killed.”
I have no doubt that a pirate would have saved the day.
Larkspur said,
December 1, 2009 at 3:16
We could talk about Octodad (Mel Gibson) instead. No, wait. I’m bored.
tigrismus said,
December 1, 2009 at 3:16
You can tell Atomic Robohitler from the accent.
He just tells everyone he’s Atomic Roboschwarzenegger and he’s in.
gocart mozart said,
December 1, 2009 at 3:17
“Ed Schulz is trying to be the Glen Beck of the left, and really, I don’t think we need one.”
The difference is that Ed actually takes his meds.
gocart mozart said,
December 1, 2009 at 3:19
“I have no doubt that a pirate would have saved the day.”
Too bad he had that pirate prosecuted. Should have had him on ninja detail.
Steerpike said,
December 1, 2009 at 3:21
What if one of them had been a zombie? Or an alien? or a robot? or or or a mutant, alien robot zombie pirate ninja klingon nazi riding on a shark with frickin’ laser-beams!!!! What then?
jim said,
December 1, 2009 at 3:28
A conservative giving me her “expert” advice on what is or isn’t erotic?
Wow. It’s like a Zen Koan for dadaists!
GASOMETER.
Smut Clyde said,
December 1, 2009 at 3:47
Well than how ’bout the Octomom Substance?
The Octomom Substance was one of those budget-strapped but tightly-scripted BBC SF thrillers from the 1970s. Andrew Kier as Dr Quartermass.
gocart mozart said,
December 1, 2009 at 3:48
I have been thinking about investing in a feral baby in the near future. What do you think Substance?
Substance McGravitas said,
December 1, 2009 at 4:03
To get the most out of them you have to raise feral babies properly.
tigrismus said,
December 1, 2009 at 4:12
I think the feral baby bubble is about to burst.
N__B said,
December 1, 2009 at 4:13
Discuss.
No.
If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice.
[bad riff to follow]
Substance McGravitas said,
December 1, 2009 at 4:15
FERAL BABY BUGGY BUMPERS YEAAAAAAAAH!
Jennifer said,
December 1, 2009 at 4:15
Remember how Cap’n Crunch would tear up the inside of your mouth?
The cereal, you pervs.
Steerpike said,
December 1, 2009 at 4:17
Remember how Cap’n Crunch would tear up the inside of your mouth?
Neal Stephenson’s lengthy treatment of this dilemma is one of the finest achievements in modern literature, IMO
Substance McGravitas said,
December 1, 2009 at 4:18
This product is still sold.
To me.
N__B said,
December 1, 2009 at 4:19
They need to change the name of Frankenberry to Teabagging the Monster.
M. Bouffant said,
December 1, 2009 at 4:19
Major, I was going to lord it over you unfortunates E. of the Rockies w/ The Left Coast’s In-n-Out Urge, even Fatburger or Tommy’s, but restraint prevailed.
However, since you gladly admit your lack, here are some links to various iterations of the secret order menu, if you didn’t know about it.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
December 1, 2009 at 4:37
From the In-N-Out (VPR?) secret menu:
Description: Mustard-cooked beef patty, additional pickles, extra secret sauce with grilled onions.
Get Hannity on the horn-time for a new ragegasm!
Djur said,
December 1, 2009 at 4:49
Pfft, these days In-n-Out has at least part of the ‘secret menu’ on their god damn website.
M. Bouffant said,
December 1, 2009 at 4:53
Not so veiled:
As in.
M. Bouffant said,
December 1, 2009 at 4:55
part of the ’secret menu’ on their god damn website
No more secrecy (or privacy) in the digital age.
gocart mozart said,
December 1, 2009 at 5:05
So to recap, we went in a round about way from talking about a Colon to In-N-Out. Do I got that straight.
Knights in Black Satin said,
December 1, 2009 at 5:15
I didn’t call Kate W fat any more than I called Mr. Rickman scrawny and weak.
But she is a buxom lass. Hardly ever moos.
Gizzard said,
December 1, 2009 at 5:44
Gizzard said,
December 1, 2009 at 5:45
Doh!
Meant to say,
Veiled buttsecks reference.
Smut Clyde said,
December 1, 2009 at 5:47
Clark Ashton Smith profiled in L.A. Times.
I am not looking forward to the travesty that Hollywood will make of “Necromancy in Naat” (even if it features Julianne Moore naked).
gocart mozart said,
December 1, 2009 at 5:51
WTF. PM loses job. They are very strict about asking permission to leave the country I guess.
Vanuatu PM forced out of electorate seat
The Prime Minister of Vanuatu, Edward Natapei has been forced out of parliament. Mr Natapei is currently in Trinidad and Tobago, attending the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting, and has not attended this week’s extraordinary sessions of parliament, called to debate the budget.
Speaker Maxim Carlot Korman says his office has not been informed of Mr Natapei’s absence, and under the law, missing three sessions consecutively without giving a reason, means a Vanuatu MP loses their seat.
http://www.radioaustralia.net.au/pacbeat/stories/200911/s2755953.htm
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
December 1, 2009 at 6:05
I am not looking forward to the travesty that Hollywood will make of “Necromancy in Naat” (even if it features Julianne Moore naked).
Someone misread the title, and they are filming it as “Necromancy in Naan”. At least they gave the role of the baker’s wife to the adorable Parminder Nagra.
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
December 1, 2009 at 6:31
the adorable Parminder Nagra
Um, wow. I really need to catch up on my Bollywood.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
December 1, 2009 at 6:38
Um, wow. I really need to catch up on my Bollywood.
Shecky, Shecky, Shecky… she’s on ER.
You’re slipping!
Smut Clyde said,
December 1, 2009 at 7:05
a Holocaust zone.
Is there a standard international traffic sign for this?
Snoring Remedies said,
December 1, 2009 at 7:46
What about “The Plot Against America”?
M. Bouffant said,
December 1, 2009 at 8:00
Will you settle for the U. S. version?
Smut Clyde said,
December 1, 2009 at 8:09
I thought that was “Circular Firing Squad”.
Enraged Bull Limpet said,
December 1, 2009 at 9:47
Damn: preempted by the very first comment. Good thing I at least took a look.
justme said,
December 1, 2009 at 10:05
I got out of the boat just to see. Wow. Please tell me that one was a troll. Please?
Also, Lolita and To Kill A Mockingbird?!?!?!?!?
My favorite bit is comment #48
Whereupon they spend 200 more comments doing just that.
————
M. B., I didn’t know you were from Boston.
M. Bouffant said,
December 1, 2009 at 10:21
Actual knowledge of the phenom from from Europe, but that was the closest to a traffic holocaust I could imagine.
Enraged Bull Limpet said,
December 1, 2009 at 10:21
I ain’t hoppin’ the gunwale for this’un.
kingubu said,
December 1, 2009 at 11:00
In a parallel universe, where people love good movies and don’t have to cram a work into an ideological box before they give themselves permission to like it, I’mma gonna strongly recommend Charlie Kaufman’s Synecdoche, New York. Finally got around to seeing it this weekend and all I can say is that, as a screenwriter, Kaufman is one stone-cold fearless gangsta mutherfucker.
The Dark Avenger said,
December 1, 2009 at 14:01
Actually, when Hollywood did adapt “Return of the Sorcerer” as a Night Gallery episode, it featured Vincent Price and Bill Bixby as the protagonist and narrator, respectively, and it was pretty good for an adaptation.
Anyone remember “Professor Peabody’s Last Lecture”?
Link
Looch said,
December 1, 2009 at 14:01
I ain’t hoppin’ the gunwale for this’un.
Limpets hop?
N__B said,
December 1, 2009 at 14:14
I’mma gonna strongly recommend Charlie Kaufman’s Synecdoche, New York. Finally got around to seeing it this weekend and all I can say is that, as a screenwriter, Kaufman is one stone-cold fearless gangsta mutherfucker.
That movie is actually the perfect poster child for de gustibus non est disputandum. While watching it, I thought of all the legitimate reasons that people would love it, even though I personally would rather undergo dental surgery than ever see it again.
smedley said,
December 1, 2009 at 14:52
In other news, Limbaugh has hooked another one:
http://gawker.com/5415624/rush-sets-wedding-date
actor212 said,
December 1, 2009 at 15:40
I’mma gonna strongly recommend Charlie Kaufman’s Synecdoche, New York.
I concur with N__B, altho this might be a New Yorker thing. It was…OK. Clever, but ultimately it made me think “SOMEone must have liked this, but for the life of me, who?”
actor212 said,
December 1, 2009 at 15:42
Ed Schulz is trying to be the Glen Beck of the left, and really, I don’t think we need one.
I thought that was Randi Rhodes?
actor212 said,
December 1, 2009 at 15:44
Now, if it were Hamwallet, that’d be different.
How about HamHat?
kingubu said,
December 1, 2009 at 20:07
I personally would rather undergo dental surgery than ever see it again.
“SOMEone must have liked this, but for the life of me, who?”
Philistines.
Xecky Gilchrist said,
December 1, 2009 at 23:36
Shecky, Shecky, Shecky… she’s on ER.
Oh, whoops.
Um, can I claim Liberaler Than Thou Non-TV-Watcher (Vegan) Brownie Points™ for not knowing that?
tigrismus said,
December 1, 2009 at 23:45
I don’t know what the Hell any of you are talking about, so git off mah Got-dam lawn.
Pervy Ballbanger said,
December 2, 2009 at 4:19
I do hope Miss Alicia doesn’t mind me setting this glorious picture as my wallpaper and regularly flogging the bishop to it. Ah, what do I care if she’s offended. I don’t care, she’s bonerific!
How’s THAT for erotica, miss thang?