Me, Tarzan; You, Alicia.

me_tarzan_you_alicia

In the same way that you might find a disquisition from Joe the Plumber on his favorite sex toys or his personal tips on teabagging uninformative and, frankly, a bit gross, I’m afraid that you might find post from Alicia Colon over at Big Breitbartbutt on her preferences in erotic cinema equally unenlightening and, sadly, even more disturbing. With that in mind, I am happy to report that, as usual, Alicia does not disappoint.

Even though I am of a certain age, I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m an aficionada of true cinematic erotica.

Like me, you probably find the image of Alicia in a thong back teddy straddling the top of her sofa and holding a crop in hand while watching The Virgin Milkmaid and the Well-Hung Stable Boy a bit, well, incongruous. Not to worry. Alicia doesn’t mean that kind of erotica.

Erotica should be what arouses sensuality and sexual desire in the imagination. Pornography is a cheap substitute to genuine sensuality by replacing it with naked thrusts and bursts of faux gasps of passion. How trite compared to visions created in our minds stimulated by a simple touch, look or gesture.

Naked thrusts? Bursts?? Gasps of passion??? Does anyone else think that Alicia’s acquaintance with pornography might go just a teensy bit further than having stumbled onto “Passion Cove” one night on Cinemax?

Last night I watched the TCM channel which ran a surprising example of true erotica-Tarzan-the Ape Man. Laugh if you will. …

Okay, we will.

I had seen the Tarzan movie on TV as a very young girl and didn’t quite understand anything other than the exciting animal scenes. …

Stop right there, Alicia. Step away from the furry in the gorilla suit, even if you’ve got the urge to yiff.

After frolicking in the water, Jane lies back on some branches and puts her hand on Tarzan’s bare chest. After she says to him, “I bet you don’t even know what I mean by a kiss,” he looks at her, she looks back at her [sic], and the long silence between them speaks volumes. He then looks up into the trees which holds her sleeping area and throws her over his shoulders. The next shot is Jane, stretching her arms behind her head and blissfully smiling, saying that she’s so happy. Her self satisfied expression of ecstasy says all we need to know about that night of love in the treetops with her Apollo.

Just what every woman wants: to be thrown over Tarzan’s shoulders and fucked on a tree branch. Also, will someone get Alicia a copy of Bulfinch’s so that she doesn’t get Apollo and Adonis confused? Oh, and speaking of confused:

My husband, who admits to having seen “Deep Throat “ and “Behind the Green Door,” found the love scenes in the aptly named, “Sword of Lancelot” (1963) much more arousing.

Who else thinks that Mr. Colon likes gladiator movies too? That might explain Alicia’s reference to Apollo.

Alicia promises more on this subject tomorrow. Bated breath, etc.

[h/t J and Substance McGravitas]

 

Comments: 76

 
 
 

How does somebody write a sentence like the “Sword of Lancelot” one and not see the CogDis before posting it for general consumption?

 
 

You know what’s really erotic, yet unrecognized in our cheapened culture? Yes. The Jack LaLanne Power Juicer. Think of all those vitamins. Now that’s how you do it.

 
 

“singin’ in the Rain” is tewtally hott too.

 
 

I think Someone had trouble working with their assigned topic.

 
 

How much Keeffe is in this post anyway?

 
 

Goddamn it, Breitbart, now I have to sterilize again.

::douses iMac in kerosene, strikes match::

 
 

Nobody can deny Jessica Rabbit is hawt.
Who you lookin at?

Veiled PENIS reference. Also, too.

 
 

So, liberals; how does it feel to have lost, again? Obama is doing poorly at the polls, socialist health care is dying and we will not surrender in the war on terror. Impeachment will come soon. I can’t wait, for I enjoy seeing liberals suffer.

 
 

I, for one, would like to hear more about you lousy tenants.

 
 

Losing is the winning of Liberal Fascism.

 
An Ape Named 'Ape'
 

Tarzan always had a special way of saying ‘ook ook ook’, particularly when he wanted something, if you know what I mean.

 
 

I, for one, would like to hear more about you lousy tenants.

You know who was a lousy tenant? Michael Keaton in “Pacific Heights.” The guy bred his own cockroaches.

Hitler, also. I doubt he ever got a deposit back.

 
 

Howard there are miles O’Keefe

 
 

You know who was a lousy tenant? Michael Keaton in “Pacific Heights.” The guy bred his own cockroaches.

Along with his own lice? (being “lousy”, as it were…)

Can’t we get a new troll? This one’s broken. Also.

 
 

in the treetops with her Apollo ?!!

How about “in the treetops with Tarzan” ? She’s fucking Tarzan for God’s sakes. Isn’t that good enough?

Or perhaps Colon just can’t imagine (even with the help of a movie) being able enjoy the person you’re actually with.

 
 

You wanna see erotica? The long lost scene featuring “Boy” and me in the treehouse is still kept in MGM’s vault.

 
 

Along with his own lice?

We never got the extreme close-up necessary to answer that question.

 
 

George of the Jungle was a way better cocksman than Tarzan. Or so I’ve heard.

 
An Ape Named 'Ape'
 

Jane = monkey-c
Tarzan = monkey do
humma humma, if you know what I mean.

 
 

Why do I get the feeling that Alicia’s experienced more than her share of “long silences” in her encounters with the male of the species?

Whatever species that my be.

Also, someone light a match. It smells like troll farts in here.

 
 

It should maybe be mentioned that the second movie in the Tarzan series was censored because of complaints from conservative Catholics like Mrs Colon, and Jane’s costume and behavior became much more modest thereafter.

 
The Tragically Flip
 

Impeachment will come soon. I can’t wait, for I enjoy seeing liberals suffer.

At least this is stated openly. George Bush sat at sub 30% popularity for the last 3 years of his presidency, with a litany of crimes against the constitution and world peace and a Democratic congress did not impeach him. If Republicans retake Congress, Obama will certainly be impeached, and be damned with trying to find some kind of pesky “high crime or misdemeanor” that would justify it. The article of impeachment will just read “SOCIALISM!!”

 
 

I think Colon misunderstood Tarzan’s sexuality. See #5, here.

 
 

The article of impeachment will just read “SOCIALISM!!”

what, not “WOLVERINES!!!111”?

 
 

and be damned with trying to find some kind of pesky “high crime or misdemeanor” that would justify it.

There is no higher crime to a wingnut than simply being a Democrat.

 
 

So, liberals; how does it feel to have lost, again? You may control all the “branches” of the government, but America’s true leader is leading the true leader fight against socialist terrorcare when she bothers to show up. Soon we will discover the long form birth certificate that also doesn’t exist and impeach your “messiah”. I can’t wait until we outlaw the offensive intensive phrase “Happy holidays”, thereby striking a blow for political correctness, also.

 
 

You may control all the “branches” of the government, but we have our hands firmly on the roots.

 
 

Everyone knows Tarzan can only achieve arousal through acts of violence, an affliction he shares with his half-brother Doc Savage.

 
 

Everyone knows Tarzan can only achieve arousal through acts of violence

Spanking his monkey?

 
 

Spanking his monkey?

If you had followed my link from above, you’d know that he hasn’t been spanking that monkey.

 
 

I can’t wait, for I enjoy seeing liberals suffer.

Let me guess: Christian? And purportedly anti-PC, but “pro-civility” when it means everyone has to pretend Sarah Palin’s not an idiot. Of course, Chappaquiddick or Obamitler jokes are DIFFERENT.

 
 

If you had followed my link from above, you’d know that he hasn’t been spanking that monkey.

I did, but the monkey may be a sub. And as Washoe found out, sign-language safe words are a recipe for disaster.

 
 

I enjoy seeing liberals suffer.

I enjoy demonstrating what idiots say on this site, like here.

 
 

Somebody is tedding me.

 
The Tragically Flip
 

Somebody is spoofing me.

On a comedy blog? What are the internets coming to when a right wing troll can’t say provocative and offensive things on a comedy site devoted to mocking right wingers without being mocked?

 
 

“Tarzan and His Mate,” the first sequel, is surprisingly sexy. O’Sullivan even goes for a naked swim–yes, naked underwater breasts–a scene that was censored for decades after the original release (got restored a while back).

 
 

When I say stupid things, it’s really somebody pretending to be me. But if I ever say something that isn’t stupid someday, it will be the real me.

 
 

Please!!! No politics on a bulbous-and-tingly thread.

 
 

Mmmm, implied sexytime.

 
Lady Doctor Missus Mommy Marita
 

The Dash Board: Upon being strapped into his carseat, our young man always assumes the “Happy Cosmonaut” pose, content in the knowledge that his friends Sophie the Giraffe and Jacques the Peacock will soon be joining him for a grand adventure.

 
 

LDMM: Will you tell a certain Gavin M. to step away from the camera and get back to blogging? People are getting sick of me already!

 
 

Alicia writes: I had seen the Tarzan movie on TV as a very young girl and didn’t quite understand anything other than the exciting animal scenes

Given that the movie is simply plotted and largely pantomime and grunts, dear me, what an extraordinarily stupid little girl she must have been.

Also, does Liz Taylor’s tit-heaving dance in “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf” count as “erotica” or “cheap porn?”

 
 

What are the internets coming to when a right wing troll can’t say provocative and offensive things on a comedy site devoted to mocking right wingers without being mocked?

Dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!

 
Lady Doctor Missus Mommy Marita
 

Tintin: I don’t see how anyone could possibly be sick of you, but I’ll see if I can free up enough of his time to let him get a post up. The stay-at-home Daddy thing has been pretty exhausting for him these first few weeks, and he has a work-type thing or two that he’s trying to get done as well. He’ll appreciate knowing that he’s missed, though. Maybe he’ll have time to do something later today…

 
 

I think we’ve always had a screwed-up attitude towards sex in this culture, especially as portrayed in movies and TV. It’s either been treated as a “forbidden” pleasure, the desire for which should be repressed and turned into an endless source of shame, or else it’s an “if-it-feels-good-do-it”, get it while you can activity, to be engaged in whenever you get the urge, and damn the consequences. Oh but really it’s all turned out OK, I guess. It’s not like this unholy mix of puritanism and promiscuity has caused us to be up to our nips in unwanted babies, diseases and disastrous relationships, right?

 
 

Jennifer writes: I think Colon misunderstood Tarzan’s sexuality. See #5, here.

See also this item from a recently posted slideshow of uh, inappropriate toys (from Huffinton Post).

 
 

She looks like she’s frozen in a permanent scowl, like if she were to smile her whole face would break off.

 
 

LDMM: Will you tell a certain Gavin M. to step away from the camera and get back to blogging? People are getting sick of me already!

Yeah it’s kinda like when Yoko stole John from the Beatles. I mean Paul’s efforts sans John were good for a while but shit look what happened when he went solo! (And look out for the inevitable “Tintin is dead” rumors to start. Also.)

 
 

Frankly, getting yer rocks off to Tarzan movies requires a vastly dirtier mind than that of which I am possessed. She must have multiple orgasms watching somebody pat a dog on the head.

 
Lady Doctor Missus Mommy Marita
 

Gav is officially working on a post.

Yeesh, that Yoko blow was low, eh?

 
 

It’s either been treated as a “forbidden” pleasure, the desire for which should be repressed and turned into an endless source of shame, or else it’s an “if-it-feels-good-do-it”, get it while you can activity, to be engaged in whenever you get the urge, and damn the consequences.

I think Molly Ivins summed up what you’re talking about, chimpevil:

“Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you’re going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love.”

Molly Ivins

I thought Tintin was the walrus?

 
 

I think Molly Ivins summed up what you’re talking about, chimpevil

And a lot better than I ever could, that’s for damn sure.

Oh and LDDM no offense intended with the Yoko thing. After all, John’s love for her was truly inspiring, so there’s no shame in being compared to her, but also I’m sure the sounds you emitted upon Dash’s debut to the planet were a lot more melodious than any “vocals” Yoko ever produced!

 
 

And oh btw LDDM the awesome cutie-pootieness of that dashing lil Dash attests to the spectacular genetic makeup of the people who produced him. (Have I made up for the Yoko comment yet???)

 
 

Upon being strapped into his carseat, our young man always assumes the “Happy Cosmonaut” pose,

The pose is somehow familiar.

 
 

Lady Doctor Missus Mommy Marita — I don’t know why but that pict just made me giggle. Thanks!

But I am detecting a certain lack of Party fervor. Where is Dash’s Che jumper? Where is his CCCP lapel pin? Better straighten up or it’s off to Gulag for you!

 
 

Leave Yoko alone!!

 
 

He then looks up into the trees which holds her sleeping area

Never heard it called a “sleeping area” before — and what’s it doing up in a tree?

 
 

O’Sullivan even goes for a naked swim–yes, naked underwater breasts–a scene that was censored for decades after the original release (got restored a while back).

You can see it here (alas, the quality of the YouTube video is iffy). Tame by modern standards but a shocker for 1934 (the Hays Code had been in effect for a couple years by that point!).

 
 

Erotica should be what arouses sensuality and sexual desire in the imagination.

(Thrusting heaving emphasis mine.)

Erotica according to dictionary.com: Literature or art intended to arouse sexual desire.

So: Anything from a description of bare ankles to photos of eight guys in leather masks going at it in a swimming pool full of whipped cream.

In other words, A. Colon has to begin with the premise that erotica means something other than what it means (because she says so) before she can even get to the part about Tarzan & Jane’s vine play.

 
 

Not exactly, Brandi. The Hays code was in effect for years (four, I think) when that scene was filmed, it just was never strictly enforced.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

Pornography is a cheap substitute to genuine sensuality by replacing it with naked thrusts and bursts of faux gasps of passion. How trite compared to visions created in our minds stimulated by a simple touch, look or gesture.

Visions of naked thrusts and bursts of faux gasps of passion…

 
 

Is there such a thing as too easy? I’m not talking sex here, I mean too easy to bother mocking.

 
 

“I had seen the Tarzan movie on TV as a very young girl and didn’t quite understand anything other than the exciting animal scenes.”

20 subscriptionz to yr newsletter plz?

 
 

Massive. Fucking. Squick-factor.

“Heh heh heh heh. Pleasant … dreeeeeeeammmms???”

[ /innersanctum ]

 
Steffivergissmich
 

Back in the 80’s the Friends and Lovers motel opened in a northern suburb of Denver and featured closed circuit porn in each room.

A local newspaper interviewed a woman from the trailer court next door who complained that the porn was bleeding over onto her TV…”24 hours a day!”

So much to be concerned about, eh Alicia? 24 hours a day.

 
 

Alicia, you little slut!

Now get back to the preferable ultra violence we’ve come to expect from good, clean family cinema. Boobs are icky. Brains on a wall are awesome.

 
The Goddamn Batman Pumps Up The Volume In The Batmobile Whenever "Jungle Boogie" Comes On The Radio
 

I thought that she might be referring to this Apollo. “Jungle Love”, indeed.

 
mmeetoilenoir lurktastique
 

Aaaargh, Dash is so freaking cute. I can’t stand it. Keep the pics coming, LDMMM!

 
 

Erm, Adonis was handsome, but Apollo was no slouch in the looks department. Sure, he swung both ways, but it was the ancients who put the “eek” in “Greek,” after all. So it’s not unreasonable to presume that she really did mean Apollo the Overwhelming Sun God, rather than Adonis the good-looking guy killed by a wild pig.

You know what’s really erotic, yet unrecognized in our cheapened culture? Yes. The Jack LaLanne Power Juicer.

Ahem. Why purchase the FF 2000? Because sexy is sexy.

 
 

Just what every woman wants: to be thrown over Tarzan’s shoulders and fucked on a tree branch.

Uhh well, especially if he looks like Hugh Jackman, I’d prolly be waiting in line!

 
 

Uggdresses are utterly terrible products that cause cancer and famine wherever they are introduced.

 
 

You know, I’m glad the comment spam was cleaned up, because now Substance McGravitas’ previous comment is the greatest non sequitur ever.

 
 

re: Hayes code (for posterity, biatch)

The Hayes code was a voluntary industry standard (and rating was done by an independent Catholic controlled group). Legal censorship (er, censorship by law, not censorship of lawyers…aaggh, somebody disambiguate English) occurred by region and varied dramatically between jurisdictions. (According to my father, they were still slicing and dicing movies in South Florida in the late 1970’s, but this seems to have stopped almost everywhere with the acceptance of the MPAA system in the 1980’s.)

“A” and “B” films ultimately developed different distribution channels, but one consequence was that big studios wanted to make big bucks by making “A” films. (Though they pushed the Code as far as they could take it–the public still ate up racy material.)

The Code was extremely right-wing and restrictive, and this combined with fears of movies sinking in the South, contributed to the heavy racial segregation of movies. In the 1960’s there was a rash of social-reality movies, filmed in black & white and as far as I can tell generally on a lower budget, which shattered Hayes restrictions to deliver a message about the injustice of racial inequality. And I’m not talking about studio-produced movies like Twelve Angry Men that dance around the issue of race; I’m talking about The Defiant Ones. Anyway, by the end of the decade indie films were making money and Hollywood was striking out and the Code was deader than Zombie Mae West’s career.

 
 

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