Recently, a wingnut pulled shit out of his ass

The week’s over and The Rant The New Media Journal.us [Wingnuts ‘R ‘Us] has some Amazing Wingnut Facts (AWF®, AWF is a registered trademark of Sadly, No! Enterprises,) delivered to us through the toaster Lee Ellis:

“Bush polls have fallen to a new low,” shout the newspaper headlines or the news anchors on television. “President Bush and Congress have reached their lowest numbers yet,” they continue, trying to speculate whether this is caused by the high gasoline prices, the current economy, or the war in Iraq.

Shout the news anchors? Is Garrett Morris doing the evening news again?

This is strange since there is good news, mostly hidden by the media, about all three.

Hidden where, Lee?

Recently, the U.S. Energy Department announced the results of a land survey: “We have more oil inside our borders, than all the other proven reserves on earth. Here are the official estimates: In Colorado and Utah, we have 8 times as much oil as in Saudi Arabia, 18 times as much oil as in Iraq, 21 times as much oil as in Kuwait, 22 times as much oil as in Iran, 500 times as much oil as in Yemen!”

Wow! The “U.S. Energy Department” (probably the little mischievous brother of the U.S. Department of Energy) releases official reports with exclamation points! I bet they even have wingnuts in party hats! Google powers, activate!

“500 times as much oil as in Yemen!” D’oh!
“22 times as much oil as in Iran” Nein!

Help me, DOE! PDF says: proved reserves have stayed at roughly the same level from 1994 to 2004. HTML DOE, be my friend:









CountryBP Statistical ReviewOil & Gas Journal
USA29.29921.371
Venezuela77.22679.729
Russia 72.277 60.000
Iran 132.460 132.460
Iraq 115.000 115.000
Saudi Arabia262.730266.810
United Arab Emirates 97.800 97.800
Yemen 2.850 4.000

Well, we all know how this is going to end: Sadly, No! And don’t even get us started on what you get if you multiply 4.000 x 500. If only Fox News wasn’t so god damn liberal:

Anti-Bush information also pours into our homes from the news on NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN and even Fox News. The latter says that it is fair and balanced, implying that it gives you news from both the left and right political wings. But if TV news is to be balanced, should we not have at least one TV network that tells us only the truth about our country without two commentators spinning in two different directions?

Balance means telling the truth, so here we go: Lee, you are an ignorant slut. (The male kind.)

 

Comments: 74

 
 
 

The fact is that we could discover a lot more oil if the left didn’t prevent expeditions to find more oil.

The left’s Gaia-worshipping policies and taxes are responsible for the high gas prices.

Then again, the left is slightly more tolerable on this topic than on their shrill defense of immigrants dividing America by refusing to sing our national anthem in our language.

 
 

The left’s Gaia-worshipping policies

Gary, wait! The left wants to stamp out religion and faith! You said so! What is there to worship when there’s no religion or faith?

Do you constantly hear the old “Meow Mix” jingle with the meowing cats in your head when you comment? Because I’m starting to hear it when I read the things you “contribute” here. It’s enough to drive a man to drink.

 
 

Ok, honestly, which one of you guys is really Gary? No one is truly that stupid.

 
 

Actually, the left mainly wants to stamp out Christianity and Judaism.

 
 

Do you constantly hear the old “Meow Mix” jingle with the meowing cats in your head when you comment?

Well, thanks for getting that little thing playing in our heads. 😡

 
 

No, Gary. The Bush Administration’s tilting at Iran and the speculation of dropping a nuke on them is responsible for high gas prices.

 
 

I suppose ole Garrett is talking about shale oil or perhaps coal gasification? Neither of which are feasible unless oil hits $125; in which case I wouldn’t want to be a suburban white American.

 
 

That’s a great takedown, except for one thing: I had managed to suppress the fact that Web browsers have support for the blink tag, and now you have reminded me. I may never forgive that.

 
 

Gary,

I think your comment is quite an achievement; the most bullshit per word that I have seen in a while.

Wingnutella!

 
 

I’m here to help!

 
alabaster codify
 

Seriously, whoever is “doing” Gary, cut it out, it’s not even funny anymore.

 
 

This is what the wingnuts are talking about.

What they’re talking about is oil SHALE, not actual, you know, oil.

Now, I’m no expert on converting oil shale to oil, but apparently, nobody is — i.e., THERE IS NO TECHNOLOGY TO DO IT.

Rather than go on, I’ll just quote from this article:

“It may be at least 30 years before shale produces enough oil to make a significant contribution to U.S. oil supplies. By then, Americans may be motoring in hydrogen-powered automobiles, which would render oil shale a dinosaur”

 
 

Darned immigrants, standing around refusing to sing! Sing, I command you! Sing!!!!

Hey, I even refuse to sing our national anthem, in any language. It’s too damn hard to hit the notes.

 
 

which would render oil shale a dinosaur

Wow–reverse fossilization. But can it really turn Bender into a human?

 
 

Actually, the left mainly wants to stamp out Christianity and Judaism.

Judaism can stay, but Christianity’s gotta go. Jews don’t proselytize, and are thus not annoying like Christians. I live in an Orthodox Jewish neighborhood, and it’s great. If I lived in some creepy backwoods Xian neighborhood I would slit my wrists.

I wouldn’t call for “stamping out” Christianity, but I would like to chase wackos like Poopert, Falwell and Robertson back into the bushes where they belong. Christianity keeps a lot of people occupied. It’s a good way for simpletons to pass their time, so overall it’s probably a good thing. I just get pissed when this hobby fucks with my lifestyle. I DON’T MAKE YOU PEOPLE SMOKE WEED AND TAKE ECSTASY– DON’T MAKE ME FOLLOW THE RULES OF YOUR STUPID CLUB!

The one branch of Christianity I don’t mind is the Mormons, and for one reason only. I don’t know what crazy shit they do out there in Utah, but I will tell you all from my extensive travel experience that there are lots of extremely hot Mormon chicks in Utah, and lots of them have, um, a casual sense of, um… ah, fuck it, they’re slutty.

Mormonism is A-OK with me.

 
 

It has gotten old, and as he’s posted no proof he even OWNS much less wears a “Reagan Revolucion” t-shirt, it’s become impossible to see him as anything other than unserious. You can say Reagan was the greatest all you want, but without the shirt it’s just noise.

 
 

The fact is that we could discover a lot more oil if the left didn’t prevent expeditions to find more oil.

It’s true – saying mean things about oil executives makes them sad. Then they lose their desire to find more oil. So it’s all your fault, you big mean lefties!

 
 

Gary has gotten even stupider since he got chased off of Atrios’s blog like a gutless little biotch.

 
 

I bet they even have wingnuts in party hats!

No way. The NSA is the only government agency with a sense of humor in its publications.

 
 

Per the DOE, there is no oil in Antartica. None.

So I guess it’s safe for the time being, but I still say we keep a bunker-buster or two aimed in the direction of those shifty-eyed penguofascist bastards.

 
Professor Illuminata
 

Gary —
I find it hard to get worked up about what language the national anthem is sung in when so many native-English-speaking American citzens never bothered to learn the song in ANY language.
Or is “hmm hmmm la la LA la” some variant form of English of which I’m unaware, and if so, how does it translate into Spanish?

 
 

I spelled Antarctica wrong. Dammit.

 
 

Being a Coloradan (I know, pity me), I’ve heard a great deal about oil shale conversion. Check out this article from the Rocky Mountain News.

Not sure if it’s so much hooey, but if it was approaching cost effectiveness when oil was near $30/barrel, it must be downright intoxicating to the oil companies right now. It’s not a quick process (4 years to yeild considerable product), but if it’s true, it might just be yet another tool the Right uses to keep us from becoming more energy efficient.

 
 

another fact is that the oil supply isn’t in danger of running out. For one thing, the Lord will create more oil in specific parts of the Earth to help keep us running until the end of Times

 
 

how does it translate into Spanish?
Da dun da da da da da da
Da dun da da da da da
Tequila!

In all seriousness though, I saw this rediculous new \”outrage\” over some spanish version of the national anthem. I remember my exact thoughts to myself: \”What kind of dumb asshole is capabable of getting himself worked up over that? Besides Lou Dobbs that is.\” Then my mind immediatley sprang to Gary (who I will heretofore referr to as Gar-bear). I hadn\’t even been on the internet for 2 days, yet I knew Gary would have something retarded to say about it.

 
 

Ok, Gary is obviously a fake troll.

 
 

“Seriously, whoever is “doing” Gary, cut it out, it’s not even funny anymore.”

If someone was “doing” Gary, maybe he wouldn’t spend so much time on this blog.

To coin a phrase… “Sadly, no.”

 
 

For one thing, the Lord will create more oil in specific parts of the Earth

Dammit, try as I might I just can’t quit you!

 
 

According to the scientists at the Creation Science Institute, oil is not a product of the earth. In fact it comes from meteors.

Which is why we should be drilling at Meteor Crater, Arizona.

 
 

until the end of TimesIs that the New York Times or the Washington Times? Or do you mean something else you homocidal fuckwit?

 
 

the Lord will create more oil in specific parts of the Earth to help keep us running until the end of Times

OK. Now I know you’re just goofing around.

 
 

Now that’s comedy.

 
 

The fact is that we could discover a lot more oil if the left didn’t prevent expeditions to find more oil.

Indeed, according to a new report released by President Bush himself: “Alabama has 18 gazillion-rillion more barrels of oil than Uzbeckistan!!!!1!”

 
 

You know what I think is going on? I think the “real” Gary is totally being punked by the various fake Garys. There are so many potential fake Garys, they are in essence killing off the “real” Gary. It’s too hard to tell which one is Real Gary.

Gary is dead. Long live Gary.

 
 

Actually, the left mainly wants to stamp out Christianity and Judaism.

But not Islam. We love Islam, especially the oppression of women and gays.

 
 

I’m with JK47 on the fake-Garys-being-Gary issue.

If Antarctica has no oil, then why did the Brits fight so desperately to keep the Malvinas?

 
 

I don’t think they are talking about shale oil.

DOE recently released a report that looked at using enhanced oil recovery techniques to extract “stranded” oil (i.e., oil that is technically, but not economically recoverable). Specifically, injecting carbon dioxide into oil wells. The oil industry does some of this now. And the report does say that we could significantly increase our reserves this way.

The report was based on the assumption that large streams of carbon dioxide gas would be more readily available in the future. And where would this CO2 come from? From power plants that would capture their carbon dioxide emissions and store them underground as a means of reducing our global warming emissions.

In other words, the carbon dioxide captured for the purpose of reducing our global warming emissions would then be used to extract additional oil so that we can burn more oil and release more global warming emissions.

Really, only the fucking Bush Administration could come up with this idea.

 
 

If Antarctica has no oil, then why did the Brits fight so desperately to keep the Malvinas?

The British were worried about a sheep gap vs. the Argentines.

 
 

I think there are a host of “Garys”, sort of like in that Star Trek with Harvey Fenton Mudd……

 
 

Also, the Dept. of Energy does NOT do “land surveys.” The U.S. Geologic Survey at the Dept. of Interior does.

Can’t the damn wingnuts get anything right?

Ok – Back to making fun of Gary(s).

 
 

Really, only the fucking Bush Administration could come up with this idea.

Jeez, is Rube Goldberg on their payrole?

 
 

Man… Gary’s either gone completely off the deepend, being parodied by people unknown, or most likely just becoming very bad at his Wingnutt fakery.

But just for fun, if God is going to create more oil where ever the US needs it to be, why did she put the US oil in places like Iran or Iraq? Why couldn’t she put it in Colorado where there ain’t no Islamofascinazis blowin’ shit up.

Also, if God is just going to go around creating stuff, why doesn’t she just, I don’t know, snap her fingers and force a regime change in Tehran. That’d be a little saner than, you know, nuking them and then shooting them as they glow in the dark.

 
 

Allah works in mysterious ways. Like putting all the oil in Muslim countries, for the most part.

Ya gotta admit, that is a little suspicious.

Canada’s oil sands are recoverable at around 20$ a barrel, which is why, all of a sudden, its proven reserves, estimated for the longest time to be just around 5 billion barrels, have shot up to around 200 billion barrels. I think those would be exhausted first before the shale oil would be considered.

Unless of course, Alberta goes Muslim. Then, you have my permission to nuke it.

 
 

But just for fun, if God is going to create more oil where ever the US needs it to be, why did she put the US oil in places like Iran or Iraq? Why couldn’t she put it in Colorado where there ain’t no Islamofascinazis blowin’ shit up.

Because, when the Lord puts oil in the hands of the Arabonazihilarymaoists it brings about the End Times quicker.

 
 

Harvey Fenton Mudd

Harvey Mudd, yes.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd, yes.
Harvey Fenton Mudd, no.

I’m sorry, I just had a geek flashback. Please, go back to talking about whatever it was you were discussing. I’ll just hide in this corner.

Oh look! Oil!

 
Am I Not Men? I Am Gary.
 

The fact is that Jesus will return and turn the Atlantic Ocean into a giant sea of gasoline, and the true Christians will drive their golden Hummers into Heaven while you godless leftists burn in the fiery depths of Hell. Amen.

 
 

The fact that “gary” knows who/what Gaia is tells me he is a fake troll. Trolls don’t know Gaia from marshmallows, hence YOU’RE BUSTED GARY!

 
 

OK, Gary, this time I’ve GOTCHA!! If we don’t need the oil in Iran ’cause “the lord” (I always crack up when I hear that phrase) is gonna put a lifetime’s supply in Alabama, then the only remaining reason to nuke iran(you DID advocate nuking Iran, do you recall) is shear racial hatred. Not that there ever was much of a doubt. But now? You’re exposed as a genocidal murderer–Gary Hitler, Come On Down!!

mikey

 
 

Breaking on AP:
Rush Limbaugh arrested on prescription drug charges
Eds: UPDATES with details of arrest.
WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. (AP) — Rush Limbaugh was arrested Friday on prescription drug charges, law enforcement officials said.
Limbaugh turned himself in to authorities on a warrant issued by the state attorney’s office, said agency spokeswoman Teri Barbera.
The conservative radio commentator came into the jail at about 4 p.m. with his attorney Roy Black and was released an hour later on $3,000 bail, Barbera said.
The warrant was for fraud to conceal information to obtain prescription, Barbera said.

 
 

Gary, annie (and now, Rush!):

Pendejos

 
 

gack! I meant to post that last comment on the “scary brown people” thread below.

I suppose it works here as well.

 
 

It appears the leftist smearjob on Limbaugh is reaching critical mass

 
 

It appears the leftist smearjob on Limbaugh is reaching critical mass

Yep Gary, it’s the leftists’ fault that Rush is a bloated, hypocritical drug addict. I apologize for the entire leftist community.

 
 

It appears the leftist smearjob on Limbaugh is reaching critical mass

Thank God I popped all those percodan earlier, or Gary’d really be harshing my buzz over fatass’s arrest right about now.

What does Limbaugh have to do to achieve lasting social opprobrium, anyway? Actually show us the bones of one of the roasted babies he ate that morning?

 
 

Oil shale?
It suddenly occurred to me that someone in the Ministry of Truth – er, the Administration – had read the part of “Atlas Shrugged” where Wyatt demonstrates his oil-shale-extraction technology, and failed to realize that it was fiction.

 
 

Ewww! Smeared Limbaugh!

 
 

I’ve never seen the blink tag used in proper context before.

 
 

Did someone just say “Limbaugh” and “critical mass” in the same sentence?

Can that be the secret phrase of the day? Can they win a prize?

 
 

I’ve actually tried to use the blink tag in the comments of various blogs in the past, and it never worked. The fact that it works in the body html is no guarantee that their gonna give us proletarian commenters access to such a powerful tool…

mikey

 
 

Actually people ask me to NOT sing the national anthem on a regular basis.

And I want you all to be really impressed with how well I typed this since I’m really drunk right now. I wish I had a couple of Rush’s oxycontins….

 
 

thanks Dan, I didn’t fell like Googling to get the right name.

but hey, the trolls can pull stuff outa their ass, why can’t we!

 
 

And all I can say is that you haven’t heard the national anthem sung until you’ve heard it sung in the original Klingon!

/Dafydd ab Hugh

 
 

What’s truly scary about that Jillian is that I know someone had already transtated the Star Spangled Banner into Klingon. Maybe even Dafydd.

 
 

Oops. that would be “translated”.
Hey, I’m drunk, whaddaya want anyway.

 
 

They might have transtated it, since all that Star Trek junk works on transtator technology.

GodDAMMIT, another geek flashback!

 
 

It’s really nice of you guys to keep your own “staff” wingnut around. What would we posters do without Gary to ridicule?

 
 

Divide British Petroleum’s total proven reserves by projected consumption and you’ll arrive at the official end of time.

Circulate a rapture-pool betting form at your office, having already covered the calculated it-all-goes-to-shit-day.

Enjoy all the warm gravy that comes pouring in.

 
 

If you confront a wingnut with some of the crazy, non-factual shit that Limbaugh says, they can just respond:

“Oh, that. He was high!”

(Do I get a dollar for every lame rationalization I come up with for the Repugs? Doesn’t the Hoover Institute have a fund for this? It sure seems like it sometimes!)

And speaking of lame … what is up with this totally lame shit about getting all huffy that the “Star-Spangled Banner” has been translated into Spanish? The conservatives are going to wear out their foxnewseroids, the gland that manufactures outrage. Is this anything more than conservative political correctness?

(Close your legs, Repugs. Your double standard is showing.)

 
 

So, is smearing Limbaugh like spreading Santorum?

Sounds unsanitary to me.

 
 

Looking at the numbers, I notice it looks an awful lot as though the esteemed Mr. Ellis might have confused “22 percent as much” with “22 times as much”. I know, I know, you can’t expect a good conservative to have the time to spare to master these abstruse, complex mathematics!
Seriously, though, the numbers do work out pretty closely as percentages, both for the 22 percent and the 500 percent, and Iraq & Kuwait as well.

 
 

Looks like Cato has been taking writing lessons from our own dwelling in his parents house Gary Ruppert:

But the fact is we have mounting deficits because George W. Bush is the most gratuitous big spender to occupy the White House since Jimmy Carter. One could say that he has become the “Mother of All Big Spenders.”

http://www.cato.org/dailys/07-31-03.html

 
Ick of the East
 

Actually, the left mainly wants to stamp out Christianity and Judaism.

And we would have succeeded too, if it hadn’t been for you meddling kids!

And WTF? I thought the National Anthem was partly in Spanish anyway?

“José can you see?”

 
 

Oil shales create an interesting problem. When they’re heated to extract the oil, they fluff up to about 30% greater volume than they were pre-extraction. Consequently, the rock debris can’t just be placed back into the hole you made extracting them. Plus, getting the oil out is still not economical, but we’ll see.

I really hope that wasn’t really Gary who thinks “the Lord” is just going to whip up more oil. I really hope that was just a joke.

 
 

Forget about the Spanish version, you know what really pisses me about how our national anthem is presented? The fact that it is supposed to be a peppy, up-tempo march, and is usually sung at a pace befitting a funeral dirge. “Ohhhhhh sayyyy doessss tha-att Starrrrr Spannnn-gled Ba-aaaa-ner-er yeh-et waaaa-aaaaaave…..” Argh!

 
 

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