Also, fun-size Snickers are just the best damn thing.

That’s an x, not an r, and it’s got nothing to do with the MPAA rating system!

But, hey, I want my money back! I never, ever got invited to fun sounding Halloween parties like what this weird lady was scribing about in her screed. What in the devil’s name kinda parties did she attend in her day?? hmmmmm???? causes me to wonder she done been UP to before this, eh??

These people are into projection is all I’m saying.

i’m sure the fact that it GETS COLD AT NIGHT in the fall has nothing to do with it.

Then I’m OK since I’m handing out my left-over Easter candy.

Talk about your theological dilemmas…

Personally, I like my candy pre-cursed for her pleasure…

I’ve heard rumors that a small group of reactionary homeless

“Are we assembling the manifesto at your place?”

“YOU DON’T GOTTA BE AN ASSHOLE ABOUT IT!”

[Fighting ensues]

If you are not standing behind a table at a food kitchen for the homeless making sure that they have, at least, one good meal per year, you’re not worth my nickel that you pinched between your butt cheeks. I must add that it is an interesting trick, but you can keep the nickel.

I’ve heard rumors that a small group of reactionary homeless want to know why there are not more “eating” parties put on by schmucks who the homeless can barely stand to be around. Their creepiness can be unsettling. Participation by the homeless is mandatory. If they can’t get off the streets to get their asses fed once a damn year so that children do not have to become aware that the trolls live under bridges, are dangerous, and inept with company, no one will think that they are cute or interesting from that day forward.

Rent a homeless person. Put him in a red suit and give him a gift of lock picking tools and he’ll speak one’s name with sanctimony in his voice for what little life the bum has left, and he will not come off like he is a serial killer who wants to clean your windows in his hapless imagination. Under normal circumstance you are safe, because he will not be able to exercise good judgment with the schmucks that have only fantasized the courage and desire to execute the trolls before they can carry out their vicious Christ’s Mass plans.

There is a danger, especially at this time of year for privates that are chafed, bruised, and obsessively abused. If one is unfortunate enough to have an alcoholic Rent-a-Santa sleeping under his car… in the… driveway, arriving very late in the evening, but gone before dawn, one will know the feeling of advanced desperation, (involves chilled spine.)

Evidence of his visit are the usual: handfuls of used toilet tissue blown all over the neighbors’ and your front yard. A few cat food cans opened with a knife and the mystery contents sucked out through the slit in the containers scattered around one’s driveway. The troll will have used the garden hose to perform lawn enemas on unsuspecting passer-bys, and Lord knows whatever other perversities to which the hose might have been applied. This is the usual method used for contacting Dick Cheney for his expertise in torture and hiding the pile of cheap paper towels in front of the driver’s side door.

The loud swearing by trolls is a real problem in some neighborhoods. The following is just one example: “You jerks think because you fed me that you are good people, but when you have had enough of me you’ll call trash pickup and have the workers shovel my rotting maggot infested corpse into a garbage truck. You wouldn’t even have the decency to see if I was still alive. You’d step over my body and run straight for the phone. You’ll scream that a loser psychopath threatened you at your home. You will advise them to bring the heavy artillery, because there is no difference between myself and a rabid badger. You’ll say that you knew me well, and to be on the safe side they should bring thirty SWAT team members armed with fully automatic weapons similar to the American squad assault rifle – 750 rounds per minute and capable of cutting a man in half, (yes, divided in two.)

You also advised air support using one Huey chopper with a 60 caliber machine gun mounted at the door. You could have just told me that I had worn out my stay, but you are such a weak, Sad Sack you called in a military assault to remove me from your property. It is for these reasons and more that I have written the god awful truth about your adulterous and murderous scheming. The depraved entertainments, the costumes, the makeup, plastic surgery and removal of your finger prints required a great deal of stolen money.

When you brought me into your neighborhood it was like letting a demon loose at a Sunday school picnic. You gave me the necessary alibis and cover when the well publicized crime wave, (breaking and entering, robbery, and a few aggravated assaults – once I start going it is hard to stop,) you know what I am saying, you’ve been there, hell I’ve been there with you, you sick meat puppet,”) moved through the neighborhood. Some of the dumb asses didn’t know that there are times to resist and times to cooperate.

Due to your uncooperative neighbors I will not be sharing my soul and body with you this holiday season. This should give you real cause to celebrate, instead of the superstitious nonsense taught by your parents. May the other major pagan holiday rite die of indifference. With indifference the war against pagan holidays can be won. Sincerely, your asshole friend, Louis.”

Spotted, John Derbyshire handling the common cold.

All I care is I finally managed to unload the last of those exploding Halloween masks last week. Life is good.

How did you all manage to miss this?! http://thinkprogress.org/2009/09/30/derbyshire-female-suffrage/

That’s our lad John Derbyshire!

Yes–if you mean the North (East) Shore of New Jersey. :)

“You don’t? Curses (of the non-time-release variety)!”

Sorry. Ah, well, it’s probably for the best. Given how demographics-driven capitalism is these days, the candy is most likely targeted at specific regions for more efficient “Dispersal-O-Evil| ™ and all.

It’s called “Fundamentalism”, unfortunately.

As for the craziness in the cited article…I swear, life must be like a 24/7 World of Darkness LARP for these idio people. Still, I suppose thinking that you’re the last remaining bulwark between millions of innocents and ULTIMATE EVIL must make working a crap job a bit more tolerable…

Rather prefer this: A Alienated Sperm Gizmo Win