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All your sperm are belong to God
First, some housekeeping — my latest article on Glenn Beck and “rich guy populism” is posted over at the Commonweal Institute’s website. Please give it some lurve by clicking on the link :-)
Now onto business:
Y’know, whenever the Anchoress gives us a post title such as this…
…she’s begging for a response. So let’s get to it.
The teaching, first off, is not – specifically – “every sperm is sacred,” although, it must be said, when you’re talking sperm and ova you are talking about essences – our essential selves, which are derived from the deepest parts of our beings, and you are talking about the material which was designed specifically for the purpose of assisting God in the creation of humanity.
Question: If you have a wet dream, then, does that technically count as some sort of subconscious sin? If you wake up in the middle of the night and find that you’ve ejaculated, do you have to perform 30 Hail Marys to stop the angel Gabriel from flying into your room and smiting you on site? Also, does this mean that when your dog starts humping the couch that he’s flaunting flouting God’s will? These are important questions.
God loves us into being – we are begotten. Our creation is no accident, but the Love of God made manifest, and the “tools” or “materials” that He uses for that creation – committed love and the mysterious and miraculous products of that love – do, simply by their designation as “tools of God” demand a certain respect and recognition, because they are a great deal more than the equivalent of nasal mucous or earwax.
Which is funny, because to me semen is no less or more appealing than nasal mucous. You would think that if God had intended to make semen a Divine Excretion that He would have done more to hype it up. Say, by making it more sparkly and rainbow colored. Or if every time someone gets off, they hear the sound of a righteous trumpet blasting from their nether-regions.
As to the teaching that every sex act must “hit the target,” (that’s a rather, errr, colorful way to put it), it simply means that every sex act, if it is truly to be respectful of God’s design and creation, must be opened to the possibility of new life, to God and to His will as to whether or not new life will be created.
Subconsciously pulling out at the last minute will lead to an instantaneous smiting, I might add.
How many people do you know who used the pill, used a condom, were diligent in their birth control and STILL got pregnant? It happens all the time. Because the products of our human sexuality contain enormous power – power too many of us simply do not appreciate. And God will do what He will, sometimes, whether you’re open to it or not, in hopes that you WILL become open, and more open, to his loving gifts.
This is flat-out awesome. I never imagined that God Himself was responsible for condoms breaking or for people forgetting to take the pill. He really does have His hands in everything.
El Cid said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:04
If your God is basically a human, and a rather immature one, with superpowers and attention issues, then, maybe you need to spend a little time rethinking your notion of a “supreme” being, ’cause, one like that would really suck.
Lesley said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:07
“Very Best Pumpkin Head Halloween Dance Of All Time In The World” http://tinyurl.com/yhzxc4g (the legs are so much funnier than the head)
N__B said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:11
Or if every time someone gets off, they hear the sound of a righteous trumpet blasting from their nether-regions.
I used to hear trumpets when I came, but then I gave up baked beans.
tigrismus said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:13
Flouting. It would have to include the trumpet and sparkles to be flaunting.
Ripley said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:13
Perfect timing! I was just sitting here thinking, “Y’know, I could really use a lecture on God’s divineness as manifested by my semen.” No, I was. Seriously!
On the other hand, dare I ask what prompted this bit of inanity from our Lady of Perpetual Irrelevance?
Smut Clyde said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:17
I never imagined that God Himself was responsible for condoms breaking or for people forgetting to take the pill.
It is more a case, if I interpret the post correctly, of the spermatozoa simply ripping open the end of the condom and surging straight through, because these “products of our human sexuality contain enormous power – power too many of us simply do not appreciate.”
Those of us who do appreciate this power take precautions in the form of a green Kryptonite ampallang.
Lawnguylander said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:21
Since all my sperm are belong to God I no longer have to feel so guilty about that day in 1979 when I
rubbed one outrendered a batch unto his sacristy at St. Hedwig’s.Smut Clyde said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:22
when your dog starts humping the couch that he’s flaunting God’s willy
Amended to assuage Tigrismus.
Lolly said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:22
Um, none, actually. People who use reliable birth control dilligently very rarely get pregnant. That’s why they use it. That’s what 99% reliable means.
OTOH, if the essences are so powerful that birth control is helpless against their might, why the big fuss over birth control? Humor us!
tigrismus said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:25
Amended to assuage Tigrismus.
Rake! Libertine! Naughty person!
Smut Clyde said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:26
that day in 1979 when I rendered a batch unto his sacristy at St. Hedwig’s.
When skeptical scientists attempt to establish the ethnicity of Christ’s Body by running DNA tests on the Host, a great deal of confusion can result from activities such as Lawnguylander’s.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:27
THIS BIRD IS GOING TO HELL!1one!!
~
M. Bouffant said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:29
Could someone explain to this inane drone & all others like her that the entire damn world does not subscribe to this Catholic crap.
And could someone explain to me what “the material which was designed specifically for the purpose of assisting God in the creation of humanity” is supposed to mean? Were there jiz & eggs pre-Adam & Eve, to “assist in the creation of humanity? What?
The Whore of Babylon Church has had about 1500 yrs. (Catholics: A “year” is the time it takes the Earth to revolve around the sun. It happens!) to write/think anything that makes a lick of sense, & has failed miserably in every aspect.
Tax them into submission.
animus said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:29
And yet
So if you know that birth control can fail, then shirley you are being open to the possibility that God can simply will you to be pregnant, no matter what precautions you take. Including life-long abstinence, as demonstrated by the BVM.
Anonymous said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:32
isnt there a song Every Sperm is Sacred?
Oh yeah, monty python!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUspLVStPbk
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:34
dammit, now I feel guilty about that episode this afternoon.
No, wait, no I don’t.
Sockpuppet #47 said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:35
Why birth control is slightly less than 100% effective. Sticking penis into vagina is pretty easy. Every animal with the appropriate anatomy manages to do that. Putting on a condom properly? is slightly harder.
If every sperm is sacred.. then my bedsheets are a holy relic!
Hey, does that stain there look like jesus’s face?
M. Bouffant said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:36
How many do you know who were pregnant & had a spontaneous miscarriage? (Often w/o even being aware they were preggers?) Or an egg was fertilized but failed to attach? Or any number of other screw-ups on the way to the non-miracle of birth? Huh? How many, Anchorhead?
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:37
When skeptical scientists attempt to establish the ethnicity of Christ’s Body by running DNA tests on the Host, a great deal of confusion can result from activities such as Lawnguylander’s.
O, I don’t think so. I believe DNA samples can be accurately dated. If it’s from the last couple of hundred years, it’s from a sinner; if it’s a touch over 2000 years, it’s sacred; and if it’s over 6000 years old, IT’S DEMONIC!!!
Enraged Bull Limpet said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:40
every sex act, if it is truly to be respectful of God’s design and creation, must be opened to the possibility of new life, to God and to His will as to whether or not new life will be created
Eek, my current mate’s too old for that now… next!
M. Bouffant said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:45
Shorter Wank-Whore:
“Sex is for making babies & it makes your body ugly afterwards & let’s not talk about it, shall we?”
tigrismus said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:46
I still don’t buy the “gametes are essence” stuff. She can collect her eggs and put the extract on her pulse points all she wants, but count me out.
zeppo said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:47
Gives an interesting spin on the phrase “tools of God”, I suppose….
SomeNYGuy said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:49
I liked ol’ Anchor-Ass better when she was bragging about the vastness of her bosom.
Perhaps we should send her all of our various semen, menstrual fluid and God-given miscarriages for tender safekeeping. I bet she’s appreciate that.
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:58
Boobs are not essence, SomeNYGuy
kg said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:59
Behold my rainbow sparkly powerfully pungent semen!
justme said,
October 30, 2009 at 3:01
Ah, another spooge thread.
Didn’t we just do this?
Also,
Say, by making it more sparkly and rainbow colored
not to mention all rosy-aroma-ed and chocolate flavored.
kg said,
October 30, 2009 at 3:03
Isnt their nourishing essesence essential? (boobs,of course)
Andrew N.P. said,
October 30, 2009 at 3:09
Missed it by that much.
pedestrian said,
October 30, 2009 at 3:12
Eek, my current mate’s too old for that now… next!
I thought that limpets were sequential hermaphrodites. When is it your turn at the bottom of the pile?
SomeNYGuy said,
October 30, 2009 at 3:21
Before I start filling this mayonnaise jar, I need to know if eating asparagus will affect the aroma and/or flavor of my millions of pre-aborted offspring. I want The Anchor-Ass to know I put thought as well as elbow-grease into my offering.
Bagelsan said,
October 30, 2009 at 3:26
The takeaway message I’m getting from this is that people without sperm can get up to whatever they like. And as a person of the single female persuasion… my weekend at home just became completely booked.
pedestrian said,
October 30, 2009 at 3:35
Sorry, Bagelsan.
People with sperm have a duty to dump every one into a fertile female. People with eggs have a duty to receive sperm until pregnant, lest a fertile male be caught without a receptacle. Not having sex is better than having non-reproductive sex because, shut up and ovulate, that’s why!
SomeNYGuy said,
October 30, 2009 at 3:37
What a friend we have in jizzes.
Looch said,
October 30, 2009 at 3:43
It reads like the Birds and the Bees for Barbie Dolls.
Baldric said,
October 30, 2009 at 3:43
He really does have His hands in everything.
Well, I wish he’d move ‘em a little faster or mix it up a bit; I’m starting to get bored.
Bagelsan said,
October 30, 2009 at 3:45
because, shut up and ovulate, that’s why!
Dammit, that’s the answer I get to eeeverything!
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
October 30, 2009 at 3:49
Well, I wish he’d move ‘em a little faster
And with a little more baby oil.
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
October 30, 2009 at 3:52
I can’t wait for Center Left Grrl to bring her boobies to this table.
tigrismus said,
October 30, 2009 at 3:53
He really does have His hands in everything.
God, if procreation is your top priority, UR DOIN IT RONG.
daveX99 said,
October 30, 2009 at 3:57
Maybe you’re not doing it right.
The Tragically Flip said,
October 30, 2009 at 3:58
Not that I really want to go back to the pre-blog era, but I have a new appreciation what the editors at traditional wingnut publications like the Washington Times have been protecting us from all these years.
Looch said,
October 30, 2009 at 3:58
I am confused. This Vatican Souvenir shop sells Woodies.
http://www.pellegrinocattolico.com/index.php?osCsid=79ffbb8b82f7e309483f9fb3a39832c3&cPath=47_66
Blue balls are free, I spose.
Bagelsan said,
October 30, 2009 at 3:58
Say, by making it more sparkly and rainbow colored.
How did Stephanie Meyer end up on this thread?
pedestrian said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:07
I am confused. This Vatican Souvenir shop sells Woodies
I genuinely thought that the one with the long red sock and the bear said “Christmas Cock.”
Center Left Grrrl said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:08
you guys don’t do your own agenda any favors with your kneejerk mockery of anything even remotely “religious.” it only makes you look narrow minded and frivolous, in point of fact.
Baldric said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:10
you guys don’t do your own agenda any favors…
I stopped doing my agenda favors long ago. No reciprocation, you see.
N__B said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:12
kneejerk mockery
Veiled patella porn reference.
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:12
Yeah!
Narrow mindedness is the province of the religious!! Don’t tread on their turf. They’ll send you to hell, just like that Blue Oyster Cult song.
g said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:12
every sex act, if it is truly to be respectful of God’s design and creation, must be opened to the possibility of new life, to God and to His will as to whether or not new life will be created.
Well. Yeah. But there should be no harm in just trying to better the odds that it won’t.
That’s pretty much what birth control is.
But actually, the odds are already pretty cooked, when you consider all the times folks have unprotected sex and don’t get knocked up. Or the number of times that eggs get fertilized and then spontaneously miscarry.
That’s why I don’t get the church’s thing against birth control. What the difference between one obstacle to “life” – say, a sperm with a kinky enough tail to not hit the target, or a uterine lining with a PH factor a little too high or low to be hospitable – and another, like a bit of latex?
kg said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:13
…and frivolous…
feature or bug?
g said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:14
it only makes you look narrow minded and frivolous, in point of fact.
I hope to aspire someday to solemn dignity of someone who calls herself a Grrrrrl.
Looch said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:14
That’s why I don’t get the church’s thing against birth control. What the difference between one obstacle to “life” – say, a sperm with a kinky enough tail to not hit the target, or a uterine lining with a PH factor a little too high or low to be hospitable – and another, like a bit of latex?
U R using logic. That means U R doin iT rong.
Knights in Black Satin said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:15
So what’s her opinion of menstrual fluid? Is it icky-yucky-barfy, or divine? And what about… you know, other stuff?
Woman is a moron, and so is Her God. A mean, nasty Moron-God.
thats really super, super-grrrl said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:15
Did I ever tell you guys about the time I had sushi with Andrew Partridge after a show? Yeah, I’m old skool like that, suck it LIBS.||Q@!!@__:}
Another kiwi said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:15
when you’re talking sperm and ova you are talking about essences – our essential selves, which are derived from the deepest parts of our beings,
What is deep about testes? One sincerely hopes that the soul is not there or heaven just got a whole lot more scary
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:16
That’s why I don’t get the church’s thing against birth control. What the difference between one obstacle to “life” – say, a sperm with a kinky enough tail to not hit the target, or a uterine lining with a PH factor a little too high or low to be hospitable – and another, like a bit of latex?
Many new involuntary participants every year.
Gotta keep those numbers, and donations, up.
g said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:16
And Yes, I am experiencing Deja Vu
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:17
thats really super, super-grrrl said
Many, many points for the XTC reference. Well done, whoever the hell you are.
Brad said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:18
Dammit, I hate it when I get beat to the punch on this stuff.
Oh, the drawbacks of having a life.
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:19
Beating your punch is also a sin, Brad.
SomeNYGuy said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:19
What is deep about testes?
The older you get, the deeper they get. So I’m told.
Center Left Grrrl said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:20
wtf is andrew partridge? i think you probably meant alan partridge. can’t even get pop culture references right. SIGH
Bitter Scribe said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:21
How many people do you know who used the pill, used a condom, were diligent in their birth control and STILL got pregnant?\\
Zero. Thanks for asking.
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:21
wtf is andrew partridge? i think you probably meant alan partridge
Seriously, fucking funny for someone who claims alt-cred.
David Cassidy said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:22
I’m sure you meant Keith Partridge.
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:23
I bet Kathleen Hanna knows who Andrew Partridge is.
Wunderkind said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:23
Does the Anchoress ever talk about anything else besides fucking?
EnfantTerrible said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:23
About that picture – there is something about fresh air and sunshine that puts those clerics in a very unflattering light – like they were vampires… or BRAIN-EATING ZOMBIES!!!
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:24
But she probably prefers Laurie, admittedly. As do I.
Bitter Scribe said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:24
Or Audrina Partridge.
N__B said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:24
Im in ur splooj, eetin ur essince.
kg said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:24
Any devout cath-licks out there want to comment on whether she’s even close on her “essential selves, etc. ” talk? Kind of sounds made up. Is there a specific tract or psalm or something that addresses semen?
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:25
Enfant, no Popes were wver Zombies. It’s a point of pride for us. We’re responsible for less wholesale slaughter.
tigrismus said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:25
Grrl can’t taste the difference between a lemon and a lime.
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:25
Ever.
Also.
Gary J. Bivin said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:28
Subconsciously pulling out at the last minute will lead to an instantaneous smiting, I might add.
That was actually considered a sin in the Old Testament, and some guy named Onan did get smitten for it, according to the myth:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Onan
David Cassidy said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:29
Is there a specific tract or psalm or something that addresses semen?
I’ve always gotten good results with “Hello, sailor!”
kg said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:31
http://www.discogs.com/image/A-229492-1109551788.jpg
Bitter Scribe said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:36
That was actually considered a sin in the Old Testament, and some guy named Onan did get smitten for it, according to the myth
I once read an interpretation of that passage that says Onan got smitten (smote?) not for masturbation, but for withdrawing before climax during intercourse. Guess Yahweh just couldn’t stand a tease.
Bitter Scribe said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:37
Oops, Gary, I just realized that’s what you said in the first place. One day I’ll learn to read the posts before responding to them.
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:39
If spilling seed is a sin, there’s a SHITLOAD of chickens that are gonna be roasted in hellfire.
tigrismus said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:39
That was actually considered a sin in the Old Testament, and some guy named Onan did get smitten for it, according to the myth:
Not smoten for pulling out, but for ending his brother’s family line (which he had a God-commanded duty to continue after his brother’s death).
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:41
(which he had a God-commanded duty to continue after his brother’s death).
You gotta admit, that’s a lot of pressure.
Härj said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:46
God’s super-sperm blasts through your puny condoms
old tim said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:47
“Smote” is a fine word, and one does not have the opportunity to use it often enough these days.
SomeNYGuy said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:48
If spilling seed is a sin, there’s a SHITLOAD of chickens that are gonna be roasted in hellfire.
Mmmmmm! Roasted chicken! Hell is looking more inviting every day.
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:50
” Time to feed the livestock Smotes”.
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:51
God’s super-sperm blasts through your puny condoms
“Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex”
tigrismus said,
October 30, 2009 at 4:55
You gotta admit, that’s a lot of pressure.
Apparently didn’t affect his performance.
Now that I check the Onan link, it mentions the Levirate marriage bit. It also reminds that semen discharge made one ritually impure for the whole day even after bathing, so it was basically considered a pollutant. Doesn’t sound like God’s favorite super-holy stuff…
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
October 30, 2009 at 5:00
God is starting to remind me an awful lot of Superman, as referenced by the Superdickery site….
Lurking Canadian said,
October 30, 2009 at 5:40
Any devout cath-licks out there want to comment on whether she’s even close on her “essential selves, etc. ” talk? Kind of sounds made up. Is there a specific tract or psalm or something that addresses semen?
I sometimes play the role of token Catholic, but I can’t help. My parents, conservative though they be in sexual matters, paid about as much attention to the official position on birth control as most lay North Americans: that is to say, they completely ignored it and went about their business. In school, we weren’t taught much past “Sex is bad, m’kay?”, which is clear enough as an instruction, but doesn’t have much in the way of theological reasoning behind it.
Needless to say, my parents were too repressed to say anything about spilling one’s seed on the dusty ground, so I never heard one way or the other what the official position on that is.
Certainly, it is true that the Church frowns on any sexual activity that cannot lead to pregnancy (post-menopausal women get a pass for reasons that are not clear to me. Probably the Abraham-and-Sarah thing, I guess.). Whether this is because of “essential selves”, “God wants you to be miserable”, “women have cooties” or some other deeply doctrinal point is not clear to me.
In this area, as in some others, I am proud to be a Cafeteria Catholic.
stackozone said,
October 30, 2009 at 5:46
Masterbation makes the baby jeebus cry; self-flagellation makes him sit up and take notice!
M. Bouffant said,
October 30, 2009 at 5:52
there’s a SHITLOAD of chickens that are gonna be roasted in hellfire
Ummm. Kenny Rogers’ HELLFIRE ROASTED Chicken.
Darth Revan said,
October 30, 2009 at 6:20
Din’t kno baby jeebus wuz dat kinkeh.
Oh, and by the way, I am Christian (of the low-church Protestant flavour) and I find the Anchoress fully worthy of my kneejerk mockery. I’ll save my thoughtful commentary for folks who deserve it.
*opens self up to kneejerk mockery for his needlessly thoughtful blog commentary on Ross Douthat*
J Neo Marvin said,
October 30, 2009 at 6:27
Shouldn’t the “Anchoress” be locking herself up in a cell somewhere and praying? Is it a venal or a mortal sin to impersonate an anchoress?
Marci Kiser said,
October 30, 2009 at 6:32
Wait… as I read this, it doesn’t matter whether you cum in your girlfriend’s vag or into her bath towels, whether she’s on the pill, patch, and sponge combined… if your baby is meant to be born, he will be born by the mighty power of Creation. If that means sperm with wings, power drills, and enough supplies in the camper to wait out the spermicide, then it is God’s Will.
I am reading this correctly, yes? “God will do what he will,” no matter what.
Substance McGravitas said,
October 30, 2009 at 6:35
What if you won’t shut up about pissing on Jesus? What then?
Sundjata said,
October 30, 2009 at 6:39
You have just won one more follower!
Dr Zen said,
October 30, 2009 at 6:50
If god wants new life, can’t he, erm, create it? Or is it just he finds the whole cock thing unbearably amusing?
SomeNYGuy said,
October 30, 2009 at 6:54
Or is it just he finds the whole cock thing unbearably amusing?
God loves teh cock.
Discuss.
FlipYrWhig said,
October 30, 2009 at 7:08
Grrl can’t taste the difference between a lemon and a lime.
And church bells softly chi-i-i-ime.
M. Bouffant said,
October 30, 2009 at 7:22
A) Character Larry David DID NOT piss on the image of X. It was unintentionally splashed w/ the sweet golden essence.
B) If “making fun of piety” means laughing one’s head off at cretins who think they see anything in a grease burn, or imagine that a representation of someone is “crying,” I’m all for it.
C) This’ll piss off the libs, whom I project to be just as authoritarian as I am, & therefore must be literally worshiping the colored guy in the White House:
That woman is a sackcloth of shit.
And get the sheer desperation of reactionary elements to break up the Democratic coalition (such as its effectiveness in Wash. is …):
(Next time type a shorter so I don’t click. get all pissy and expose the innocent to this crap.)
M. Bouffant said,
October 30, 2009 at 7:28
Hey!! Latest follower brings the YOU KNOW WHAT!
Unaccustomed as I am to making such vulgar links, I felt it appropriate here.
I'm Bat-Man said,
October 30, 2009 at 7:29
Fellatio by Fruit Bats Prolongs Copulation Time
http://www.plosone.org/article/info:doi/10.1371/journal.pone.0007595
Have to try that.
M. Bouffant said,
October 30, 2009 at 7:31
Unaccustomed to making links at all, it seems.
YOU KNOW WHAT.
M. Bouffant said,
October 30, 2009 at 7:34
Clearly, The Goddamned Batman would have nothing to do w/ Mickey Kaus-style activity w/ fruit bats.
Also: Fruit bats
St. Trotsky, Pope-in-Avignon said,
October 30, 2009 at 7:36
Actually, I think this explains some things about the right-wing. They haven’t advanced mentally beyond a fucking spermatozoa or ovum. No wonder they’re always hyped up about us aborting fetuses, they’re goddamn mental giants compared to the right-wing.
teh Universal Schlong said,
October 30, 2009 at 7:44
Still doesn’t prove it’s mine lady.
D. Aristophanes said,
October 30, 2009 at 7:48
Mickey Kaus earlier today:
Photoshop of Obama with goat horns and a billy beard, STAT! Mickey’s out of sorts.
Matt T. said,
October 30, 2009 at 8:02
“Smote” is a fine word, and one does not have the opportunity to use it often enough these days.
Well, the science has pretty much proven conclusively that smoting is bad for your health and the health of everyone around. Of course, the whiners will never shut up about not being able to smote at work or in restaurants anymore, the dumbasses.
God loves teh cock.
The gun is good. The penis is evil.
Matt T. said,
October 30, 2009 at 8:08
Mickey Kaus earlier today:
I do not like Obama.
Reckon what Obama thinks of Mickey Kaus? “Man, do you think I really know every pea-brained, right-wing dingbat that has a media outlet far outstretching either his talent or his insight and hates my guts for shit I don’t even do? I’m busy with the health care thing and the Afghanistan thing and the whole Islamomarxist-Black Power thing and hiding the “whitey” tape and my original bir… He does WHAT with goats?”
Something like that, I bet you.
Jay Are Eff said,
October 30, 2009 at 8:29
This is completely OT, but:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,569771,00.html
Je-zuss.
Looch said,
October 30, 2009 at 12:21
Anchoress/K-Lo: Ever seen together?
I thought not!
digitusmedius said,
October 30, 2009 at 14:17
“Or if every time someone gets off, they hear the sound of a righteous trumpet blasting from their nether-regions.”
My, Gawd…..that’s exactly what I hear!!!
Pope Ratzo said,
October 30, 2009 at 14:26
Not a single one. I’ve been an academic for decades and a very large portion of the people in my social circle are at an age where they are very sexually active. I also know lots of couples who have had babies.
Not one of them got pregnant if they were being “diligent in their birth control” unless by “birth control” the Anchoress means “have sex and then pray you won’t get pregnant”.
I think we’re going to find out eventually that the Anchoress is a spoof. Maybe it’s Artie Lange in a habit.
Dot said,
October 30, 2009 at 15:04
“He really does have His hands in everything.”
Ah, so it actually is the Holy *Handjob* of Antioch.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
October 30, 2009 at 15:29
Favourite quotes from that one piece (emphasis mine):
Heh. I’m sure that Catholic laid women think about sperm all the time. Heh.
Heh. God love you long time.
Indecent exposure? No officer, I was just polishing the rigid tool that God bestowed upon me.
Only evil people would turn down an opportunity at a divine threesome.
Methinks Anchoress is quoting some religious d00ds argument for backdoor action.
Heh. I wonder how many priests, etc. she’s “talked” to. I wonder how often she needs company while “reading”.
Yes-yes-yes! Read it again!
Rusty Shackleford said,
October 30, 2009 at 15:35
the deepest parts of our beings
I can’t speak for everybody, but mine hang right there on the outside.
slippy said,
October 30, 2009 at 15:50
SIGH. Your heptitude is so frayed it’s shredded like your cheap fishnet stockings. Go to Amazon.com and look for “Skylarking.” It’s a fantastic recording and includes the very controversial hit “Dear God,” in which the narrator basically rips to shreds the hypocrisy of religions that insist on fighting with each other over a nonexistent deity, while allowing misery and pain to run rampant in His name.
You’re probably too young to have heard that song on the radio ever, or you’re a conservative trogdolyte troll who has never listened to radio to begin with and is reading a book to figure out how to talk. I vote for the latter, since your act is so pathetic it’s hysterical.
ice weasel said,
October 30, 2009 at 16:21
It’s so funny to hear anyone complain about disrespecting religion when it’s pretty clear that the people who mock the concept of a “supreme being” the most are people such as the anchoress. Whew. I couldn’t write satire any more biting than what that airhead writes as sincere devotionals.
Oh, and the Andy Partridge thing, “in point of fact”, is hilarious. Another conserva-douche swirls down the bowl of their own stupidity.
The Goddamn Batman Believes That Every Punch Is Sacred said,
October 30, 2009 at 16:38
Let’s see… *counts on fingers* …carry the two…. damnit. *breaks out Bat-calculator* …okay… okay… right.
Zero.
tigrismus said,
October 30, 2009 at 16:48
Frankly, the idea of an image of a pissed-on Obama “weeping,” and some of his fans falling to their knees over it, would have a lot of satirical value; it would offer commentary both on the excesses of religious and political worship, and offend fewer people than David’s cowardly joke.
If any people actually worshiped Obama it might. Reagan, now…
Tommykey said,
October 30, 2009 at 18:48
How many people do you know who used the pill, used a condom, were diligent in their birth control and STILL got pregnant? It happens all the time.
Hey Anchoress, I’ve used a condom hundreds of times and have had a 100% success rate. If your god is so powerful, why don’t they have a 100% failure rate?
reverter said,
October 30, 2009 at 19:08
“Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex” – you are the Kleenex, and I am the Steeeeeel!
The Goddamn Batman Insists That The Fact That His First Sidekick Was An Acrobat Was Completely Coincidental said,
October 30, 2009 at 19:13
Oh, and the fruit bat thing? Not all it’s cracked up to be, once you get over the novelty factor. Some things just don’t end well when you’re upside down. Trust me on this.
vacuumslayer said,
October 30, 2009 at 19:35
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: god’s a perv.
God, get your hands out of my vagina. I’m about to yell “stranger danger.”
vacuumslayer said,
October 30, 2009 at 19:39
I think the many “r’s” being a signifier of girrrrrrrrrrl power went out about 10 years ago.
Parrotlover77 said,
October 30, 2009 at 20:03
I’m not sure I’d want to be in a dark alley with the spermies that get past the vas. Thankfullly, none of mine are that clever.
jackd said,
October 30, 2009 at 20:40
the “tools” or “materials” that He uses for that creation … do, simply by their designation as “tools of God” demand a certain respect and recognition
In the “I see what you did there” category, we find that Sister Mary Pugnacious has by lengthy theological research and mighty syntactical labors produced the “because I said so” argument.
One Ton Chicken Lung said,
October 30, 2009 at 21:28
Lolly said,
“How many people do you know who used the pill, used a condom, were diligent in their birth control and STILL got pregnant?”
If you take antibiotics while you’re on the pill the pill doesn’t work. Many women don’t know that, and that’s how one of my nieces was conceived.
Malaclypse said,
October 30, 2009 at 22:28
Andy Partridge and XTC are not internet traditions of which Center Left Grrl is aware ™. She is the kind of punk-rock grrl who knows how to show Respect for Tradition.
LanceThruster said,
October 30, 2009 at 22:40
This is from the same cult that felt the need to have an awning over the baths in the nunneries so that Gawd did not catch sight of their nekidness.
sarah said,
October 30, 2009 at 22:43
i’m a little late to the party, but i’m checking in as another church goer who approves of the mockery of all things sacred, or whatever, if by “all things sacred” we mean the anchoress’s deep thoughts on the inevitability of conception/importance of ensuring conception (what?)
Silver Owl said,
October 30, 2009 at 23:02
It is the usual “sit on your ass and let God, our pet bitch, handle our lives for us.”
I never did understand why religious leaders would teach such utter laziness and irresponsibilty. Seemed pretty disresepctful to me have treat God like he’s some kind of servant to lazy children. The forever nanny. lol
acrannymint said,
October 31, 2009 at 2:15
If you meant this Andrew Partridge – too cool
Dr. Psycho said,
October 31, 2009 at 3:22
Actually, I have to agree with the Anchoress just a little bit.
I do think that human life is sacred, and I do agree that sperm and ova are special, with a special relationship to life, though they are not human life in and of themselves.
Just as a human organ harvested for transplant, or a cadaver part preserved for study, or an ancient mummy, or a corpse on its way to cremation or burial, is not just some random hunk of stuff, and ought to be treated with a degree of solemn reverence.
Nothing like the degree of solemn reverence, bordering on idolatry, that the Cenobiteme would prefer, but some.
Doctorb said,
October 31, 2009 at 4:14
Do you realize that masturbation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous Communist plot we have ever had to face?
Also, I first became aware of this during the physical act of love…Yes, a profound sense of fatigue, a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily, I was able to interpret these feelings correctly. Loss of essence. I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake. Women, er, women sense my power, and they seek the life essence. I do not avoid women, Mandrake…but I do deny them my essence.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
October 31, 2009 at 4:58
Because the products of our human sexuality contain enormous power – power too many of us simply do not appreciate.
Gotta use this line… “Hey, baby, how about an infusion of powah!
Dot said,
October 31, 2009 at 23:28
I read the fruit bat article. Fascinating stuff, especially the graphic, which, according to the caption is a “Vignette show[ing] a female performing fellatio, drawn by Mei Wang.”
that other guy said,
November 2, 2009 at 23:40
I’ve never gotten this notion that wanking is a waste of my “essence” or a missed opportunity to procreate. When I wank it’s because there’s not a, hm…, a willing receptacle for my “essence.” My testacles understand this and have worked out an arrangement with me to accomodate this, kind of a “wank all you want, we’ll make more” understanding.
karen marie said,
November 3, 2009 at 5:00
Geez, I’m late to this particular party, but this post put me in mind of an episode of Mr. Deity …
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Clm6nlWxzc
Just Sayin said,
November 3, 2009 at 5:42
If He has His hands in everything I certainly hope he washes frequently. I mean, ewwww.
Half Elf said,
November 3, 2009 at 21:19
That reminds me. I went to the Hammer Museum last week to see Robert Crumb’s illustrated book of Genesis. And it was great and I bought the book.
He devotes a few panels to Onan. I never thought I would see an R. Crumb drawing of Onan crawling off his brother’s wife to jerk it in the dirt. Actually, it’s done tastefully. The whole project is a triumph. Although as Crumb fans could guess, all the women of Genesis have big asses and prominent nipples.
jgmurphy said,
November 9, 2009 at 7:32
Following her logic to its obvious conclusion, saying “Not tonight I have a headache” is an act of foul murder!