Oct
24

Well, Okay, K-Lo, If You Say So




Posted at 3:55 by Tintin

k-lo washington
ABOVE:Charles Willson Peale, Portrait of
Kathryn Lopez (1795) (oil on canvas)

Not Much Shorter K-Lo, America’s Shittiest Website™
Re: Teabagger

  • Who cares how the Urban Dictionary defines “teabaggers”? The important thing is that’s what the patriots in Boston called themselves in 1773.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

77 Comments »

  1. Randy Diedrichson, Winner of the Design Competition said,

    October 24, 2009 at 3:57

    HAHAHAHAHA those crazy colonial teabaggers. And they called a blow job a “sheedy.” Times have changed.

  2. Cal Perkins said,

    October 24, 2009 at 3:58

    I just changed my handle or nom de plume so I could be second, too.

  3. kg said,

    October 24, 2009 at 3:59

    I figure its a good idea to trust the shorter but I just cannot help myhself. THat p-shop, however, kills.

  4. Lester The Giant Ape said,

    October 24, 2009 at 3:59

    I remember back in the day when a “minuteman” was a quickie standing up. George Washington was famous for those. Third. Also.

  5. Not Lester The Giant Ape said,

    October 24, 2009 at 4:00

    Damn, Lester was fourth.

  6. A Second Non-Lester The Giant Ape said,

    October 24, 2009 at 4:00

    Sorry to ruin the thread already.

  7. kg said,

    October 24, 2009 at 4:01

    I think we’re ready for the vaunted powdered wig wearing winger on a toilet crossover.

  8. Jennifer said,

    October 24, 2009 at 4:05

    I may be delusional…

    This is a good sign. Self-awareness is the first step in recovery.

    Though there’s nothing that can heal the stupid displayed in the belief that anyone in 1770′s colonial America had ever seen, heard of, or imagined the device that would come to be known as the teabag – after it was, you know, actually invented.

  9. tigrismus said,

    October 24, 2009 at 4:12

    I thought to myself, “self, there’s just no way she could be that dumb, The Shorter is not to be trusted this time.” Nope, she really is.

  10. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    October 24, 2009 at 4:15

    that’s what the patriots in Boston called themselves.

    I’m not clicking over – does she mean the 18th century ones? Called themselves something after a device that wasn’t invented for another century?

    Just to be clear – I guess they called themselves “teabaggers” while reciting the Pledge with the “under God” line in.

  11. James K. Polk, Esq. said,

    October 24, 2009 at 4:16

    Why all the vitriol for teabagging? I could sure go for a willing teabagger right now..

  12. Vacuumslayer said,

    October 24, 2009 at 4:26

    Why are they happily describing their movements? Did the poo finally make into the toilet?

  13. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    October 24, 2009 at 4:27

    After the revolution was successful, the teabaggers started calling themselves ‘merkins.

  14. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    October 24, 2009 at 4:35

    The poop won’t catapult itself, Vacuumslayer.
    ~

  15. Dot said,

    October 24, 2009 at 4:41

    That’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. The colonists were disguised as Indians anyway, not fat guys in Old Navy flag t-shirts and women in sweatpants and fanny packs.

  16. M. Bouffant said,

    October 24, 2009 at 4:44

    Ha ha, flag pin & typ0. One of those tea bag sombreros would look nice on her too.

  17. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    October 24, 2009 at 4:44

    I can’t help myself… I have to click through!

  18. itwasntme said,

    October 24, 2009 at 4:47

    Is it just me, or does K-Lo seem more than usually incoherent this evening? Lucidity much? Does she realize she is not communicating anything to anybody? Why does she expose herself like this? Yet she continues to pipe right up, chipper as ever. It must be a pleasure being so stupid. I’m not that lucky.

  19. Meghan M. (R- Cleavage) said,

    October 24, 2009 at 4:48

    ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

  20. Substance McGravitas said,

    October 24, 2009 at 4:48

    Gay marriage: COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THE FOUNDING FATHERS!!!

  21. Andrew N.P. said,

    October 24, 2009 at 4:49

    Fun fact: according to the Bofton Tea Party Hiftorical Society, the phrase “Boston Tea Party” wasn’t coined until well into the 19th century. So not only would those guys not have called themselves “teabaggers” (tee hee), but they wouldn’t have described themselves as “tea partiers” either.

    History: it’s not just a Michael Jackson album.

  22. Djur said,

    October 24, 2009 at 4:58

    K-Lo definitely has spurts of complete incoherence. I figure either she took an extra Eucharist that day and is thus sort of tipsy, or she just got fucked hardcore by Jonah Goldberg and is still dizzy from the stench.

  23. Djur said,

    October 24, 2009 at 4:59

    By the way, “spurts of complete incoherence” is what K-Lo calls Doughbob’s money shot.

  24. alec said,

    October 24, 2009 at 5:02

    Fun fact: according to the Bofton Tea Party Hiftorical Society, the phrase “Boston Tea Party” wasn’t coined until well into the 19th century. So not only would those guys not have called themselves “teabaggers” (tee hee), but they wouldn’t have described themselves as “tea partiers” either.

    Buddy, I don’t know who these “Patrick Henry” or or “Thomas Jefferson” fags are. My founding fathers are Eric Odom and W. Cleon Skousen.

  25. N__B said,

    October 24, 2009 at 5:04

    The colonists were disguised as Indians anyway, not fat guys in Old Navy flag t-shirts and women in sweatpants and fanny packs.

    So wait: the current crop of teabaggers are actually hipsters disguised as fat people wearing loose, bright-colored clothing?

  26. SomeNYGuy said,

    October 24, 2009 at 5:19

    Hope someone took a screen shot because Nun Butt the Lonely Heart has revised her post to remove the glaring, ridiculous, laughable, ludicrous, ignorant, delicious self-pwnage. Sic transit Gloria Grahame.

  27. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    October 24, 2009 at 5:21

    I figure either she took an extra Eucharist that day and is thus sort of tipsy

    “To get back to the warning that I received. You may take it with however many sips of wine that you wish. That the brown hosts that are circulating around us are tainted with ergot. It is suggested that you stay away from them. Of course it’s your own Jesus trip. So be my guest, but please be advised that there is a warning on these, ok?”

  28. g said,

    October 24, 2009 at 5:21

    Aw, did I miss it? Shoot.

  29. Jennifer said,

    October 24, 2009 at 5:22

    Well, at least she hasn’t backed off from conceding that she may be delusional.

  30. Chicago City Comptroller said,

    October 24, 2009 at 5:31

    I clicked through, and the shorter is pretty much totally accurate. That is literally her argument. Kinda mind blowing, even for K-Load.

  31. Kobie said,

    October 24, 2009 at 5:33

    It is actually a little-known fact that Patrick Henry did refer to himself as a “teabagger;” however, this was due to his favorite pasttime of dunking his scrotum into Benjamin Franklin’s mouth after the latter had passed out from too much laudanum.

  32. alec said,

    October 24, 2009 at 5:49

    It is actually a little-known fact that Patrick Henry did refer to himself as a “teabagger;” however, this was due to his favorite pasttime of dunking his scrotum into Benjamin Franklin’s mouth after the latter had passed out from too much laudanum.

    Needless to say, he wasn’t always passed out; occasionally he was just pretending. Rumor even has it that his mouth was the last that Louis XVI’s royal balls ever entered. (This rumor is false, as Napoleon ate them to gain their strength on the eve of the 18th Brumaire, but it’s certainly true of them in life.)

  33. tigrismus said,

    October 24, 2009 at 5:55

    It is actually a little-known fact that Patrick Henry did refer to himself as a “teabagger;” however, this was due to his favorite pasttime of dunking his scrotum into Benjamin Franklin’s mouth after the latter had passed out from too much laudanum.

    Hee hee! “The Confessions of an American Opium Eaten”

  34. phleabo said,

    October 24, 2009 at 6:01

    Jeez. She really is that fucking stupid.

  35. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    October 24, 2009 at 6:03

    Hee hee! “The Confessions of an American Opium Eaten”

    “Laft Exit to Philadelphia”

  36. Djur said,

    October 24, 2009 at 6:05

    If this is the sanitized version of K-Lo, what did she say originally?

  37. OneMan said,

    October 24, 2009 at 6:08

    I made you a link but wordpress eated it.

    I reproduce it here without adornment: http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2009/10/letter-from-guam.html

    And then I wonder: why does he still hang with the right wing again?

    As a catolick ustabee, I have to say I made an excellent choice to leave the church. Actually, I quit as soon as I could because it seemed fucking stupid to me, even before I was ten.

  38. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    October 24, 2009 at 6:18

    or she just got fucked hardcore by Jonah Goldberg

    STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!

  39. Smgumby said,

    October 24, 2009 at 6:31

    While not aware of all internet traditions, I love the “shorter” posts around here. Once in a while, however, I must click the link in an attempt to call “bullshit”, figuring there’s no way he/she/they could have written something THAT stupid… …I was totally wrong.

  40. alec said,

    October 24, 2009 at 6:33

    STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!

    I’d accuse you of listening in on Jonah’s sexual interjections, but if you did you forgot “mommy”.

  41. neal peart said,

    October 24, 2009 at 6:47

    It’s the thought that it should be true that matters to her.

  42. Pope Bandar bin Turtle said,

    October 24, 2009 at 7:55

    I may be delusional

    Fixed!

  43. g said,

    October 24, 2009 at 8:02

    figuring there’s no way he/she/they could have written something THAT stupid

    ATTS

    Always Trust The Shorter.

  44. N.C. said,

    October 24, 2009 at 10:59

    Buddy, I don’t know who these “Patrick Henry” or or “Thomas Jefferson” fags are. My founding fathers are Eric Odom and W. Cleon Skousen.

    Pff, poser. Mine are R.J. Rushdooney, Jack Abramoff and Jesus.

  45. LD said,

    October 24, 2009 at 11:12

    Yet again, I’m buzzled by the fact that idiots like her are not only found on earth, but they actually have people listening to them.

    Thank god for the snark squads. Now, you only have to get through to her readers.

  46. actor212 said,

    October 24, 2009 at 13:35

    I always thought they called themselves “Sons Of Liberty,” but unfortunately, that name these days has been co-opted by violent militia groups.

  47. Arky said,

    October 24, 2009 at 13:50

    This way too much stupid at this hour of the day.

  48. Edward R. Murrow said,

    October 24, 2009 at 13:53

    TEABAGS HAD NOT EVEN BEEN INVENTED YET YOU FUCKING IDIOT WOMAN

  49. Looch said,

    October 24, 2009 at 14:30

    What did K-lo originally say? Here’s what is says now:

    Re: Teabagger
    “I suspect many of the people who will happily describe their movement as such will not really know of or not particularly care about the definition 360 and the rest are into. I may be delusional, but I think the American Revolution still trumps the urban dictionary in much of the country. “

    Was she stupider than that on the first pass?

    And, yes teabags, invented 1902.

  50. J— said,

    October 24, 2009 at 14:34

    Earlier in the day yesterday, Jay Nordlinger quoted something he wrote a few days earlier in which he speculates “teabagger” may become conservatives’ “N-word.”

    Keep fucking that chicken of perpetual victimhood, wingnuts.

  51. El Cid said,

    October 24, 2009 at 15:16

    I think the American Revolution still trumps the urban dictionary in much of the country

    Okay, but, who wins in Shay’s rebellion versus the urban thesaurus?

  52. Michael G. said,

    October 24, 2009 at 15:26

    What about the Whiskey Rebellion versus Uncyclopedia?

  53. J— said,

    October 24, 2009 at 15:29

    I remember back in the day when a “minuteman” was a quickie standing up.

    Fun fact: the patriots back in the revolutionary day actually called themselves “Sixty MInutemen” because that’s how studly they were.

  54. waldo said,

    October 24, 2009 at 15:42

    She thinks she might be delusional….

  55. N__B said,

    October 24, 2009 at 16:02

    She suffers from a delusion that she’s thinking…

  56. Looch said,

    October 24, 2009 at 16:19

    “360 and the rest are into”

    I.e., the “rest of those heathen fags.”

  57. Lady Doctor Missus Mommy Marita said,

    October 24, 2009 at 17:47

    Daily Dash: Already babbling more coherently than K-Lo, and a little surly that his first wingnut welfare check has not yet arrived.

  58. InsaneInTheCheneyBrain said,

    October 24, 2009 at 18:11

    This fucking idiot cow doesn’t realize that teabags first appeared in the 20th century?

    The first tea bags were made from hand-sewn silk muslin bags and I have found tea bag patents of this sort dating as early as 1903. First appearing commercially around 1904, tea bags were successfully marketed by tea and coffee shop merchant Thomas Sullivan of New York, who shipped his tea bags around the world. A machine was soon invented to replace the hand sewing of tea bags.

  59. sarah said,

    October 24, 2009 at 18:51

    great scott, l.d.m.m.marita, he’s adorable! congratulations again, and thanks for showing us such nice photos.

  60. Rusty Shackleford said,

    October 24, 2009 at 19:53

    Cute baby!

  61. justme said,

    October 24, 2009 at 21:04

    Dash is gettin’ his James Dean on.

  62. Johnny Pez said,

    October 24, 2009 at 21:50

    It doesn’t matter to me that conservatives call us “pinkos” since that’s what our Founding Fathers called themselves.

  63. Brandi said,

    October 24, 2009 at 22:01

    And, yes teabags, invented 1902.

    How old are tea infusers, I wonder? Wikipedia mentions them becoming popular in the 19th century, but it seems like they could be quite old (one site sells ones that are basically little woven baskets).

    Then again, it seems like people enjoyed reading tea leaves in their cup so much…

  64. Smut Clyde said,

    October 24, 2009 at 22:17

    Daily Dash: [...] a little surly that his first wingnut welfare check has not yet arrived.
    I took his expression to be one of concentration. “Fear is the mindkiller…”

  65. Josh Fulton said,

    October 24, 2009 at 22:26

    “Pentagon to use cyborg flies to spy on people.”

    http://joshfulton.blogspot.com/2009/10/pentagon-to-use-brain-dead-cyborg.html

  66. Psychobroad said,

    October 24, 2009 at 23:04

    The baby has a real world-weary look. Can he already read, and did he make the mistake of clicking on the K Lo link?

  67. M. Bouffant said,

    October 24, 2009 at 23:46

    Tea “infuser?” I’ve always know them as tea “balls,” which of course only adds to the fun.

  68. J— said,

    October 24, 2009 at 23:54

    I am starting a Samovar Patriots Party. Who is with me?

  69. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    October 25, 2009 at 3:06

    I am starting a Samovar Patriots Party.

    Hey ya pinko, if ya like samovars so much whyncha move to Russia?!?!?!

  70. J Neo Marvin said,

    October 25, 2009 at 5:17

    Emma Goldman’s autobiography, Living My Life, is full of passages where she writes, “and then our friends from the blahblahblah anarchist organization showed up and we filled up the samovar and talked all night….” So when I see the word samovar, I think of anarchists, not teabaggers.

  71. tellybelly said,

    October 25, 2009 at 6:24

    Since K-Lo is nothing if not incoherent, I prefer to focus on the fabulous portrait (although I would have thought ‘lard and canvas’) of Our Lady of the Granny Panties.

    I think it is a wonderful homage to the Cars’ award winning music video (remember those?) ‘You Might Think’ wherein a woman I thought was Ric Ocasek spouse, former model and Tyra Banks budget cut victim Paulina Porizkova, but who it turns out is non-super model Susan Gallagher, is run over by a cut-and-paste 1957 Pontiac (remember those?) convertible and squished flat much as K-Lo’s face is, but comically rather than tragically, as is the case with K-Lo’s face.

  72. jlal said,

    October 25, 2009 at 15:53

    They didn’t even start making teabags until 1904.

  73. jeff said,

    October 25, 2009 at 17:33

    Considering that the tea bag, meaning a small mesh pouch containing dried tea leaves (not the other thing), was not even invented until the early part of the 20th century, it would have been incredibly foresighted of the colonists to take their name from a product that would not even be conceived of for another one hundred and twenty five years! Prior to 1910, you either brewed and strained your tea, or you used a small pierced metal sphere called a “Tea Ball”. Maybe she meant to say that they called themselves “Tea-Ballers”, but that sounds even more perverted than “Tea-Baggers”.

  74. Glen Tomkins said,

    October 25, 2009 at 17:58

    Now, now

    She doesn’t actually claim that the original Tea Party folks called themselves teabaggers. What she says is that the American Revolution still trumps the Urban Dictionary in the minds of most Americans, a claim sufficiently removed from the actual realities involved that she can’t quite be accused of lying or stupidity. She’s just guilty of bullshit.

    But let’s take her whine seriously for a second, more seriously than she takes it. Her complaint is that the liberals have pulled America in such a degenerate direction, that we, and the large segment of the population that has been debauched byour pervey ways, are more attuned to sexual meanings of “teabagging” than we are to our country’s origins in brave patriotic struggle, etc., etc.

    But what are you to say about folks who can’t see a difference between actual, full-blooded tea such as our Revolutioanry Era ancestors drank, and the degenerate dreck that results from that industry innovation, the teabag? To achieve some bullshit ideal of quickness and convenience, the industry cuts up honest tea way too fine, so fine that it oxidizes and goes stale, then puts it in these bags that do nothing but add expense and an off-taste. You can enjoy real tea by buying the same sort of whole dried leaves our ancestors threw into Boston Harbor, and putting them in slightly sub-boiling water for a couple of minutes (you save maybe 30 seconds if the leaves are chooped fine, teabag style). If you’re finicky about having all of those used leaves floating around the bottom of your cup, you can use a teapot or a tea ball, but grown-up people are fine with them just sitting on the bottom of their cups forming interesting patterns.

    Our ancestors rose in righteous indignation against the East India Company’s collection of a modest excise tax that was to be used for the defense of the colonies, because they had no other means of input allowed by the system of government they lived under. Modern teabaggers mindlessly fork over a much bigger cut of their tea purchases to the industry for the privilege of getting a stale product inside a useless scrap of paper, and use this self-subjugation as a symbol of their righteous revolt against the people they just lost an election to, because these people propose to submit for the public consideration of the duly-elected legislature, a revenue-neutral plan to insure all Americans for health expenses.

    K-Lo is right. The teabag is a perfect symbol for these people.

  75. Smut Clyde said,

    October 25, 2009 at 21:09

    “and then our friends from the blahblahblah anarchist organization showed up and we filled up the samovar and talked all night….”

    So ‘samovar’ was the codeword for ‘crack-pipe’. Got it.

  76. slowuncle said,

    October 25, 2009 at 22:28

    My friend from the barrio informs me that Zapata’s revolutionary nom-de-plum was actually Dirty Sanchez

  77. The Goddamn Batman Went Back In Time To Fight In The American Revolution; Revere And Dawes Weren't The Only Midnight Riders said,

    October 26, 2009 at 20:50

    I may be delusional,

    Oh, Kathy-Jean. The important thing is, you’re still fun to watch on your good days.

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