Oct
6

‘This Country Is Going To The Apes’ … Lovely




Posted at 8:52 by D. Aristophanes

Here’s Paul A. Ibbetson, ‘lecturer on the Patriot Act’:

A return to the Planet of the Apes

By Paul A. Ibbetson

… Before I begin to share why I believe this country is going to the apes (self-deserved destruction), which I am sure will make the fur fly among many who would falsely infer my assessment is focused somehow on race, instead of policy, and accuse me of crossing into the forbidden zone, let’s look at the overall message that the Planet of the Apes movies tried to convey.

Yes, let’s, Mr. Ibbetson. Lest our ape fur fly at the silly suggestion that your column comparing Barack Obama’s America to the Planet of the Apes might somehow be about race.

Take but a moment to look around you and it won’t take long to see the deadly preparation for chaos that is unfolding from every corner of this country.

It’s like the anarchist boy scout said, ‘Be prepared … for chaos!’

The United States has elected a president in Barack Obama, who when not busy fomenting racial conflict among the people who voted him into the most powerful position in the world, works with every ounce of his strength to destabilize the traditional pillars of this country.

Damn that talking ape Obama for fomenting racial conflict! And even worse, using his ape-like sinews to destabilize the tradition of comparing black people to apes!

This same president invites the apocalypse worthy of the Ape World by emasculating the United States through ill conceived military weakness in foreign assemblies, such as the United Nations.

Talking — it’s for pussies! And apes!

I can only shake my head in frustration as this show of weakness is swiftly spat upon by villains, such as Iran’s dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, on the floor of the U.N. Assembly. In fact, just as the cult of the doomsday bomb worshippers knelt in reverence to an intercontinental missile (termed the Divine Bomb) in Beneath The Planet of the Apes, today, zealots such as Ahmadinejad reach out in wild-eyed salivation to grasp and wield nuclear cleansing fire against the none-believer.

Wait, the Iranians are the apes now? Also, Planet of the Apes kind of jumped the ape with Beneath the Planet of the Apes. Just sayin’.

It’s almost impossible to focus on impending destruction from afar with the domestic clamor of criminal activities from ACORN …

Goddamn apes! They’re friggin’ everywhere! Iran, ACORN offices, the Laff-A-Lympics

… politicians committing personal scandals as if it’s a race, and the bird-like sing-song chants of personal allegiance by public school children to Barack Obama as lord and savior.

Now those apes are turning our kids into birds! Birds that will undoubtedly be turned into apes … goddamn mutant ape-birds! They’re everywhere!

As if that were not the limit, TEA Party goers are completely de-humanized by the government when they say to an overbearing socialistic administration, ‘Take your stinking paws off me!’

And let me tell you, it’s quite a trick for pawed ape-birds to dehumanize anybody, so this must be pretty serious.

Who among the non-lobotomized left in this country is not shouting aloud (or within), ‘It’s a mad house!’ I ask you now?

I prefer shouting ‘It’s a mad house!’ without AND within, because then it’s like I’m having a conversation with another person.

We Americans, and the world, are truly watching a return to the planet of the apes (chaos and destruction), but as bleak as this reality is, we are still the architects of our future and with that there is hope, and the possibility of redemption.

Fuck yeah! Let’s go kill some apes! Who’s with me? &cetera

212 Comments »

  1. bjacques said,

    October 6, 2009 at 9:08

    The Lawgiver! It bleeds!!

    Now show the Bomb our true faces.

  2. bjacques said,

    October 6, 2009 at 9:11

    Damnit, blew a frist! God I loved those movies. When they needed a background for the dystopian future of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, they chose Century City, CA. Not bad, considering that’s where ex-president Reagan’s office was, in the building that happily gets blown up in Die Hard.

  3. Lesley said,

    October 6, 2009 at 9:15

    His photo is begging for a fancy feathered cap and a toilet.

  4. InsaneInTheCheneyBrain said,

    October 6, 2009 at 9:27

    He did it… he finally did it.

  5. Grace Nearing said,

    October 6, 2009 at 9:29

    Ah, Renew America, home of the Leonard Pinth-Garnell School of Op/Ed Writing.

  6. Professor Zaius said,

    October 6, 2009 at 9:45

    a return to the planet of the apes (chaos and destruction)

    What was so chaotic or destructive about Planet of the Apes?
    Harrumph.

  7. Crissa said,

    October 6, 2009 at 9:46

    O-o What was all that about, though?

  8. Just Alison, aka Snail Joust said,

    October 6, 2009 at 10:06

    Take but a moment to look around you and it won’t take long to see the deadly preparation for chaos that is unfolding from every corner of this country.

    What, those disruptive and dangerous Tea Potty loons?

  9. Just Alison, aka Snail Joust said,

    October 6, 2009 at 10:10

    The United States has elected a president in Barack Obama, who when not busy fomenting racial conflict among the people who voted him into the most powerful position in the world, works with every ounce of his strength to destabilize the traditional pillars of this country.

    It’s true. I’ve seen Obama’s diary, and it looks like this:
    6.00 am Organic muesli and vegetable juice breakfast
    6.30 am Jog around oval office wearing loincloth
    7.00 am Foment racial conflict
    11.00 Pray to Satan my master
    12.30 Lunch – arugula
    1.30 Nap
    3.00 Destabilize traditional pillars (especially Christian ones)
    7.00 Din-dins
    11.00 Sweet sweet lovin’

  10. Just Alison, aka Snail Joust said,

    October 6, 2009 at 10:12

    Correction: that last line should have read:
    11.00 Sweet sweet lovin’ with a blackity black woman who’s livin’ wit’ me in De Whitey House, heh heh heh. These bedsprings have never sprung so much.

  11. owlbear1 said,

    October 6, 2009 at 10:13

    Before I begin to share why I believe this country is going to the apes (self-deserved destruction), which I am sure will make the fur fly among many who would falsely infer my assessment is focused somehow on race, instead of policy,…

    “… must accept that I am too dull to understand anything that isn’t couched in vapid melodrama. I use Planet of the Apes because I am a monosyllabic cretin not because I’m desperately looking for a metaphor that let’s me compare Obama to an ape. See how I did that? Aren’t I clever?”

  12. Just Alison, aka Snail Joust said,

    October 6, 2009 at 10:13

    … politicians committing personal scandals as if it’s a race,

    Errr, excuse me, Mister Apey-whatsit, but weren’t they by and large Republicans?

  13. Bummer said,

    October 6, 2009 at 10:15

    Now listen?! Comparing the Apes movies, which are about racism/slavery/inequality, to the govt of a black man is NOT about race. Simply, because I can create parallels to support my views. Still, it’s a great analogy? It works in so many ways!!! This is the kind of propaganda that everyone can agree and laugh with/at.

    PLANTE OF THE APES WATERMELON TERROR FIST JABBING TRAITORS (like Hitler /Satan)

  14. Just Alison, aka Snail Joust said,

    October 6, 2009 at 10:17

    Owlbear, it’s probably also because PotA gives them an excuse to think of The Mighty Charlton (also wearing a loincloth, coincidentally), which gives them a thrill up their legs (and whatever: I have no wish to imagine further).

    Expect analogies based on Moses and Omega Man to follow soon. And of course Soylent Green (“It’s people! ACORN is people!”)

  15. owlbear1 said,

    October 6, 2009 at 10:20

    Wingers do like their Chucks, don’t they?

  16. kingubu said,

    October 6, 2009 at 10:30

    Yeah, of all the dystopian models of Teh Future he might’ve picked to squint at, he picked the one where the scary gorillas are in power. Its a total fucking mystery.

  17. jon said,

    October 6, 2009 at 10:34

    Beneath the Planet of the Apes didn’t just jump the shark, it obliterated the shark in a nuclear holocaust.

    But yes, a time-travel parable is the perfect thing to compare this administration’s policies to future events. However, I’d have chosen an older classic source that has Morlocs and Eloi, with the trogloditic Graystaters/Redmeatstaters rising up to prey upon the flesh of those who live in an ecological paradise with simple pleasures and silk garments that prove that the reverse engineering of the silkworm DNA will not get their wings back and thusly must be torn off as they imply Darwinism and Hitler and good eatin’.

  18. kingubu said,

    October 6, 2009 at 10:36

    BTW, all the really cool infant/toddlers will be sporting this on Halloween.

  19. El Cid said,

    October 6, 2009 at 10:36

    Damn fucking pussy apes. Hell, god-damned dirty apes only engage in cannibalism and child murdering on a semi-regular basis.

  20. M. Bouffant said,

    October 6, 2009 at 10:42

    Leonard Pinth-Garnell School of Op/Ed Writing.

    Ooooh, good one. I was merely going to say this fellow was sliding into Swank-ville.

    Is it possible the Renew America crowd actually sit back from the keyboard, look at their output, & pronounce themselves satisfied? Is there some sort of Alan Keyes Textual Mixmaster that makes them all write this crazily? For example:

    this show of weakness is swiftly spat upon by villains

    Or

    ill conceived military weakness in foreign assemblies, such as the United Nations

    Next time, Mr. President, bring an armored division to the General Assembly, ‘K?

    A sincere thank you to Mr. Aristo, for his service to Sadly, No! Late Night. The night owls & (if I may presume to speak for them) Anti-Podeans appreciate it muchly.

    The Coast is the most, baby!!

  21. Smut Clyde said,

    October 6, 2009 at 10:45

    who when not busy fomenting racial conflict among the people who voted him into the most powerful position in the world, works with every ounce of his strength to destabilize the traditional pillars of this country.

    Bertrand Russell said it first,* with greater balance and concision: “All the time that he can spare from the adornment of his person, he devotes to the neglect of his duties.”

    * Though he claimed to be quoting a Professor of Philosophy on the subject of the Professor of Greek.

  22. M. Bouffant said,

    October 6, 2009 at 10:45

    bjacques: What you do in that case is type “Second!!” w/ no further reference.

    Oh, look, an Anti-Podean! (Freakin’ Podes!)

  23. Smut Clyde said,

    October 6, 2009 at 10:47

    this show of weakness is swiftly spat upon by villains
    While TWIRLING THEIR MOUSTACHES.
    Not everyone can twirl and spit at the same time. You try it some time. There’s a good chance that the saliva will end up all over your fingers, giving the show of weakness a chance to escape.

  24. Strangefate said,

    October 6, 2009 at 10:48

    Well, I for one think the whole Planet of the Apes allegory held together very well. Race was clearly the furthest thing from Ibbetson‘s mind. It says far more about his critics that they would even think such a thing.

    His next article: “Why Defeating Obama is the White Man’s Burden — but not in a racist way!”

  25. St. Trotsky, Pope-in-Avignon said,

    October 6, 2009 at 10:49

    wield nuclear cleansing fire against the none-believer.

    Oh, then we’re in the clear. Since you guys keep telling us all the time how this is a Christian nation, blah de blah de blah, we’re cool since we believe in something. And I’m pretty sure the PRC, being the only major world power that is a ‘none-believer’ (aside from the belief in the almighty power of tiger dong) can watch their own backs.

  26. Enoch Root said,

    October 6, 2009 at 10:51

    The Coming Of The Purple Better One.

    I’d say something, but Burroughs beat me to it.

  27. M. Bouffant said,

    October 6, 2009 at 10:52

    So, people are now dressing their mutant (redundant, I know) offspring as any immobile object & dragging them about for Hallowe’en?

    Youth: You have nothing to lose but your stupid costumes!

  28. William Burroughs said,

    October 6, 2009 at 10:56

    A. J. and entourage start into New York night club. A. J. is leading a purple-assed baboon on a gold chain. A. J. is dressed in checked linen plus fours with a cashmere jacket.

    MANAGER: “Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What’s that?’

    A. J.: “It’s an Illyrian poodle. Choicest beast a man can latch onto. It’ll raise the tone of your trap.”

    MANAGER: “I suspect it to be a purple-assed baboon and it stands outside.”

  29. Smut Clyde said,

    October 6, 2009 at 10:59

    The Lawgiver! It bleeds!!
    I shall interpret that as a veiled Judge Dredd reference, giving myself an excuse to link to teh Screaming Blue Messiahs.

  30. M. Bouffant said,

    October 6, 2009 at 11:02

    Aw-reet! Dr. Benway in a lucid phase!

  31. bjacques said,

    October 6, 2009 at 11:29

    What? No, it’s telepathic psychological warfare by the mutants against the gorilla army, like the mirages of apes crucified among flames. But, still…MEGA CITY 1!!!!111!

    @jon: The Bomb’ll get you for that.

  32. Ted the Slacker said,

    October 6, 2009 at 11:47

    We Americans, and the world, are truly watching a return to the planet of the apes (chaos and destruction), but as bleak as this reality is, we are still the architects of our future and with that there is hope, and the possibility of redemption.

    It’s just me I am sure, but I read something like this and I think about Wag the Dog… when Willie Nelson is told to come up with a song about an old shoe, a ballad about “loss and redemption”. Renew America, making faux tragedy into an art form.

  33. RvB said,

    October 6, 2009 at 11:56

    Leonard P-G it is: (applauding) “Dreadful! Jejeune! Never have metaphors been more blissfully mixed.”
    Gosh, could it have been that this dipstick missed out the anti-racist metaphors in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes?

  34. Snarla said,

    October 6, 2009 at 11:56

    Errr, excuse me, Mister Apey-whatsit, but weren’t they by and large Republicans?
    The liebural media would have you think so, but in reality it’s just because Obama is fomenting racism day and night. And the appearing weak. That’ll do it.

  35. St. Trotsky, Pope-in-Avignon said,

    October 6, 2009 at 12:02

    Gosh, could it have been that this dipstick missed out the anti-racist metaphors in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes?

    The whosy-whatsit now? There can’t be anti-racism in Planet of the Apes, look how they oppressed the poor white man! Figure that one out, smarty-pants liberals!

    Really, these people couldn’t spot a metaphor if it was bribing them.

  36. Just Joe said,

    October 6, 2009 at 12:06

    If Obama tears down all the pillars, won’t the building fall in on him? Damn it, I KNEW we shouldn’t have let his hair grow long.

  37. Ezzthetic said,

    October 6, 2009 at 12:23

    politicians committing personal scandals as if it’s a race

    I thought he said it wasn’t about race …

    works with every ounce of his strength to destabilize the traditional pillars of this country

    So he’s the ape Samson now?

    the grotesque gorilla governed ground

    You say that like it’s a bad thing.

    The Planet of the Apes was a world of repetitious pain and anguish

    Yes, those sequels got pretty repetitious, and I definitely felt pain and anguish when I watched them.

  38. The Truthful Problem With The UN said,

    October 6, 2009 at 12:26

    You know, if Obama DID turn up with an armoured division at the UN, the Right would just howl that he was trying to impose martial law… especially as the UN, those evil foreigners that they are, is of course based in New York. Do they actually know, do you think, what the reality of what they are arguing for even would look like?

  39. Willy said,

    October 6, 2009 at 12:56

    Get your filthy hands off my teabag, you ape!

    fomenting racial conflict among the people who voted him into the most powerful position in the world

    Translation:
    When I caught a listen to one of Obama’s cabinet meetings I knew he was out to get whitey.

  40. rev.paperboy said,

    October 6, 2009 at 13:06

    The country is “going to the apes”? Aren’t countries and other entities in decline generally described as “going to the dogs”? But I suppose that would undermine his carefully honed and totally not-racist policy driven metaphor based on a series of films about a society in which the slaves overthrew their masters.

  41. N__B said,

    October 6, 2009 at 13:09

    The United States has elected a president in Barack Obama, who when not busy fomenting racial conflict among the people who voted him into the most powerful position in the world, works with every ounce of his strength to destabilize the traditional pillars of this country….This same president invites the apocalypse worthy of the Ape World by emasculating the United States through ill conceived military weakness in foreign assemblies, such as the United Nations.

    If your balls resemble pillars, consider seeing your doctor.

  42. mingo said,

    October 6, 2009 at 13:32


    emasculating the United States

    I believe I see the crux of his problem…

  43. Chicago City Comptroller said,

    October 6, 2009 at 13:40

    Wow, this is pretty impressively idiotic even by Renew America standards. I still have no clue what the point of that article is, except to repeat all the usual “Obama is Hitler AND Chamberlain” teabagging stuff in the most retarded and needlessly racist way possible.

    Wait, I think I do understand.

  44. Paul Prudhomme said,

    October 6, 2009 at 13:51

    Does he live in Guinea or something? Labouring under the impression that it’s the USA?

  45. Andrew said,

    October 6, 2009 at 14:00

    I can only shake my head in frustration as this show of weakness is swiftly spat upon by villains, such as Iran’s dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, on the floor of the U.N. Assembly

    But Ahmadinejad was allowed to address the U.N. General Assembly three times during Bush’s presidency! Does that mean Bush is three times the killer ape-man that Obama is?

  46. St. Trotsky, Pope-in-Avignon said,

    October 6, 2009 at 14:07

    Does that mean Bush is three times the killer ape-man that Obama is?

    Like John Bolton, this guy paid absolutely no attention to the UN while the Bush administration was in charge.

    I didn’t either, but I have an excuse. A terrible excuse that relies on me being lazy, but still, an excuse.

  47. Thorlac and the Swampy Nether Regions said,

    October 6, 2009 at 14:14

    Obama Administration: “Grape Ape! Grape Ape!”
    Paul Ibbetson: “YEOW! It’s a gorill-ill-ill-ill-la!”
    It all goes back to his childhood…

  48. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    October 6, 2009 at 14:16

    Remember how Bush made us strong with Mission Accomplished in two countries?
    ~

  49. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    October 6, 2009 at 14:28

    Almost 50 comments and no one has screamed about maniacs blowing things?

  50. Jeanne said,

    October 6, 2009 at 14:36

    I laughed. I cried. I wished you didn’t have quite so much material.

  51. Jennifer said,

    October 6, 2009 at 14:39

    …who when not busy fomenting racial conflict among the people who voted him into the most powerful position in the world…

    See, I think he’s misunderestimating things here. The people who voted Obama into the most powerful position in the world…they aren’t the ones fomenting racial conflict.

  52. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    October 6, 2009 at 14:58

    …to grasp and wield nuclear cleansing fire against the none-believer.

    I’d have thought conservatives would be happy that atheist-bashers are getting better armed.

    Anyways, I’m not sure what Ibbetson’s problem with Planet of the Apes is. A strict authoritarian society with a class structure dictated by one’s racial background where the militaristic ultra-nationalist patriots are at the top. Sounds like a wingnut dream-world.

  53. J Neo Marvin said,

    October 6, 2009 at 15:00

    I recall the planet of the apes being a fairly sophisticated, orderly society until those pesky humans landed. Or maybe that’s the theory here: Civilization? It’s for apes!

  54. Jennifer said,

    October 6, 2009 at 15:07

    By all means, we’d be better off in the utopia imagined by the rightwingers than we would on the Planet of the Apes.

    I like to think of the rightwing utopia as “Planet of the Snopes”. It features all the intelligence of current-day apes without the cheesy faux-monkey suits.

  55. The Tragically Flip said,

    October 6, 2009 at 15:11

    There’s a “wolverines!” aspect to this in that it’s a Charlton Heston flick he’s chosen as a metaphor. Now he has set the stage for his next piece on The Ten Commandments as he bemoans the lack of a savior to tell Obama to “let my people go!”

  56. The part P. Ibbetson was born to play, baby! said,

    October 6, 2009 at 15:12

    I hate every ape I see
    From chimpan-a to chimpan-zee
    No you’ll never make a monkey out of me

    Oh my God, I was wrong
    It was Earth all along
    You’ve finally made a monkey

    Yes you’ve finally made a monkey out of me

    I love you, Dr. Zaius!

  57. CapMidnight said,

    October 6, 2009 at 15:17

    I hope Ibbetson retranslates the Planet of the Apes scripts to remove their liberal bias.

  58. The Tragically Flip said,

    October 6, 2009 at 15:17

    The United States has elected a president in Barack Obama, who when not busy fomenting racial conflict among the people who voted him into the most powerful position in the world

    Actually the people who voted him into that position are just fine with one another bub. It’s the ones who didn’t vote for him who are experiencing all the racial tension.

    [...] works with every ounce of his strength to destabilize the traditional pillars of this country.

    I really wish this part was true, actually. If I had to put a number to what percentage of his strength he puts to this sort of thing, I’d say maybe 5%, 10% if I was feeling generous.

  59. Substance McGravitas said,

    October 6, 2009 at 15:33

    The humans in the Planet of the Apes movies that Taylor and company discovered had lost their ability to speak and subsequently it was a precursor to additional hardship and abuse for everyone. This is not so different from the here and now, as, at times, the American people do the same (remain silent at their own peril) by way of their busy lives and self induced apathy.

    Did they lose their ability to write in English? DID THEY?

  60. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    October 6, 2009 at 15:36

    Did they lose their ability to write in English?

    OMFGLOL! WUT? LOL!

  61. pants said,

    October 6, 2009 at 15:37

    Lawd, these people just cannot help themselves.

  62. Bullsmith said,

    October 6, 2009 at 15:39

    Surely this article is in fact a subtle argument in favor of torture, showing how useful such techniques can be when applied to, say, a language.

  63. D. Aristophanes said,

    October 6, 2009 at 15:53

    Really, the best bit is when he frets about Teabaggers being ‘dehumanized’ … in a column comparing his political opponents to apes.

  64. g said,

    October 6, 2009 at 16:02

    this show of weakness is swiftly spat upon by villains….such as Ahmadinejad reach out in wild-eyed salivation to grasp and wield nuclear cleansing fire against the none-believer.

    He has issues about spit, I think.

  65. g said,

    October 6, 2009 at 16:08

    We Americans, and the world, are truly watching a return to the planet of the apes (chaos and destruction),

    Oh, yawn. These guys are such pussies!! They think the world is coming to an end if people are allowed to make fun of them.

    Really – Compare and contrast – our version of an abusive president? One who suspends habeus corpus. Their version of an abusive president? One schoolchildren sing about.

  66. Ron Mael's Moustache said,

    October 6, 2009 at 16:12

    Is Pastor Swank giving writing lessons?

  67. Dan Someone said,

    October 6, 2009 at 16:14

    The giant flying stone head in my backyard suggests that the U.S. is going the way of Zardoz. Talk about emasculating.

  68. The part P. Ibbetson was born to play, baby! said,

    October 6, 2009 at 16:21

    Well, the penis is evil, you have to give them that much.

  69. Cornelius (reading from the sacred scrolls) said,

    October 6, 2009 at 16:22

    Beware the Wingnut, for he is the Devil’s pawn.
    (Sadly not) alone among God’s primates,
    He kills for sport or lust or greed.
    Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother’s land.
    Let him not breed in great numbers,
    For he will make a desert of his home and yours.
    Shun him; drive him back into his jungle lair,
    For he is the harbinger of death.

  70. Niels G. said,

    October 6, 2009 at 16:22

    Erm, that last bit had nothing to do with any part of Paul son of Pibbet.

  71. St. N.C. of the Initials said,

    October 6, 2009 at 16:34

    Oh don’t be coy. I think Ibbetson would be absolutely fetching in a red diaper and gogo boots.

  72. Dr Zaius said,

    October 6, 2009 at 16:35

    Planet of the Apes isn’t just about race. You can’t overlook the secondary theme of PotA: the suppression of knowledge and research by a religious authority, i.e. the Minister for Science/Defender of the Faith. Why this Ibbetson thinks that applies to Obama and not his predecessor Bush, I don’t know, but it is a non-racial theme.

  73. gocart mozart said,

    October 6, 2009 at 16:39

    Wasn’t Ronald Reagan the president who liked to pall around with a chimp?

  74. actor212 said,

    October 6, 2009 at 16:42

    let’s look at the overall message that the Planet of the Apes movies tried to convey.

    I believe that message was “racism is bad”. But do go on…

  75. actor212 said,

    October 6, 2009 at 16:45

    You can’t overlook the secondary theme of PotA: the suppression of knowledge and research by a religious authority

    But isn’t a facet of racism, at least societal and cultural racism (as opposed to individual racism), the deliberate suppression of information that would tend to humanize those who are oppressed?

    Think about it: when slaves were kept in this country, weren’t the people who didn’t own them and weren’t slaves basically told “They ain’t like us” so as to keep suspicions that, you know, they might be people too at a minimum?

  76. Durrrr said,

    October 6, 2009 at 16:45

    Is this the end result of a 24/7/365 “diet” of listening to/watching the jugglers and clowns on teh teevees and teh wirelesses? Cuz I think my family thinks like this. I haz a sadz now.

  77. The Kid from Kounty Meath said,

    October 6, 2009 at 16:45

    You know, I have the same response to this as I did to the New York Post chimp cartoon: if I’m drunk enough to give you the benefit of the doubt and decide MAYBE you didn’t set out to be racist, you still sure as shit need to come up with something non-monkey related if you’re going to rant about the first black president. If you choose not to, you’re dumb enough to deserve being branded a racist.

  78. gocart mozart said,

    October 6, 2009 at 16:50

    I think I’m sophisticated
    ‘Cos I’m living my life like a good homosapien
    But all around me everybody’s multiplying
    Till they’re walking round like flies man
    So I’m no better than the animals sitting in their cages
    in the zoo man
    ‘Cos compared to the flowers and the birds and the trees
    I am an ape man
    I think I’m so educated and I’m so civilized
    ‘Cos I’m a strict vegetarian
    But with the over-population and inflation and starvation
    And the crazy politicians
    I don’t feel safe in this world no more
    I don’t want to die in a nuclear war
    I want to sail away to a distant shore and make like an ape man
    I’m an ape man, I’m an ape ape man
    I’m an ape man I’m a King Kong man I’m ape ape man
    I’m an ape man
    ‘Cos compared to the sun that sits in the sky
    compared to the clouds as they roll by
    Compared to the bugs and the spiders and flies
    I am an ape man
    In man’s evolution he has created the cities and
    the motor traffic rumble, but give me half a chance
    and I’d be taking off my clothes and living in the jungle
    ‘Cos the only time that I feel at ease
    Is swinging up and down in a coconut tree
    Oh what a life of luxury to be like an ape man
    I’m an ape, I’m an ape ape man, I’m an ape man
    I’m a King Kong man, I’m a voo-doo man
    I’m an ape man
    I look out my window, but I can’t see the sky
    ‘Cos the air pollution is fogging up my eyes
    I want to get out of this city alive
    And make like an ape man
    Come and love me, be my ape man girl
    And we will be so happy in my ape man world
    I’m an ape man, I’m an ape ape man, I’m an ape man
    I’m a King Kong man, I’m a voo-doo man
    I’m an ape man
    I’ll be your Tarzan, you’ll be my Jane
    I’ll keep you warm and you’ll keep me sane
    and we’ll sit in the trees and eat bananas all day
    Just like an ape man
    I’m an ape man, I’m an ape ape man, I’m an ape man
    I’m a King Kong man, I’m a voo-doo man
    I’m an ape man.
    I don’t feel safe in this world no more
    I don’t want to die in a nuclear war
    I want to sail away to a distant shore
    And make like an ape man.

    Kinks Apeman lyrics

  79. NobodySpecial said,

    October 6, 2009 at 16:52

    In related news, one of the detainees that got released to go work on that golf course has been arrested for espionage.

    Yes, Bermuda police have the Spy of the Uighur.

  80. actor212 said,

    October 6, 2009 at 16:58

    What on earth could a Chinese Muslim possibly learn on the mini-golf course at the Fairmont Southampton that could be of use to Al Qaeda? What club to use on a chip shot from 70 yards out????

  81. Cargo said,

    October 6, 2009 at 17:00

    If they want to draw a wingnut parallel to a preachy 1970s chuck heston sci fi movie, why not the Omega Man? Chuck Heston is the Last Man On Earth, lives in a fortified apartment surrounded by guns and the last icons of Western civilization, surrounded by anti-technology hippie zombies in California who lob clumsy shots at him from a catapult while he picks them off with a rifle. I can’t think of a better metaphor for the intellectual wingnut’s self-image.

    Of course they’d never touch Soylent Green. Now With More People(tm)

  82. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    October 6, 2009 at 17:21

    Soylent Pepsi, the Taste of a New Generation.

  83. actor212 said,

    October 6, 2009 at 17:23

    Soylent Pepsi, the Taste of a New Generation

    Any brand that gets Derek Jeter as a spokesman should be suspect.

  84. The Kid from Kounty Meath said,

    October 6, 2009 at 17:25

    @Cargo: Especially because, much like Heston, the past couple years saw Bush get replaced by a younger, more endearing black guy with a cute dog.

  85. Mr. Wonderful said,

    October 6, 2009 at 17:28

    I’m so cute. I start reading that eedjit and I can’t believe it! It just gets worse and worse!

    The feeling slowly dawns on me, “Wait…what?…This…this man is a complete…” And then I see he’s from Renew America, and it all makes sense.

    Renew America: The House Organ of Indignant Idiots

  86. Newbie McNoob said,

    October 6, 2009 at 17:28

    Poor Paul A. Ibbetson. He’ll always be James Franciscus to Pastor Swank’s Chuck Heston.

  87. gocart mozart said,

    October 6, 2009 at 17:29

    Soylent Green is about a future America suffering from global warming and over-population. I think the wingnuts just find the idea of humans being oppressed by talking apes to be slightly more realistic.

  88. Terry C - Loves A. Grayson said,

    October 6, 2009 at 17:32

    “Renew America”? Is that the group with Michael Marcavage, the guy pushing 30 who’s still a virgin and brags about it?

    He was protesting against abortion someplace and a 14 year old girl passing by told him he needed to “grow a vagina” before he started telling women what they can do with theirs.

    All the rightards have are their hate and racism – and a mainstream media who kiss their a**es and give them legitimacy.

    Sad for the country.

  89. Ted the Slacker said,

    October 6, 2009 at 17:42

    OT – from yesterday’s riffing on the conservative bible malarky, Twitter has this fucker blanketed. Just search for #conservativebible , there’s lots of internets being won.

  90. Parrotlover77 said,

    October 6, 2009 at 17:43

    This same president invites the apocalypse worthy of the Ape World by emasculating the United States through ill conceived military weakness in foreign assemblies, such as the United Nations.

    Wait… Hold on. I’ve been interpreting that movie incorrectly my whole life. I thought the ending was a statement on too many nuclear weapons. Where the cold war led into a hot (very hot, nuclear hot) war which obliterated the planet. Apparently, I missed the part where nuclear disarmament led to nuclear oblideration through the mechanism of… wait. huh?

  91. Cargo said,

    October 6, 2009 at 17:45

    “Dr. Zaius”
    Ape: Help, the human’s about to escape.
    Troy: Get your paws off me, you dirty ape.
    Ape: [gasping] He can talk!

    Apes: [in unison, chanting] He can talk, he can talk, he can talk, he can talk, he can talk, he can talk!

    Troy: [singing] I can siiiiiing!

    [funky beat of "Rock Me Amadeus" starts playing]

    Female Nurse Ape: Ooh, help me Dr. Zaius!
    Apes: [in unison] Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius / Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius / Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius
    Oh… Dr. Zaius
    Ape: Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius.

    Troy: What’s wrong with me?
    Zaius: I think you’re crazy.
    Troy: Want a second opinion.
    Zaius: You’re also lazy.

    Apes: [in unison] Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius / Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius / Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius

    Troy: Can I play the piano anymore?
    Zaius: Of course you can.
    Troy: Well I couldn’t before!

    [plays piano]

    Oh lordy, the Simpsons truly had a golden age.

  92. Marge Simpson said,

    October 6, 2009 at 18:00

    Oh, Homer, that’s just an urban legend. People don’t do that kind of thing with fish! Now, Dan Riehl, on the other hand…

  93. D. Aristophanes said,

    October 6, 2009 at 18:00

    You can’t overlook the secondary theme of PotA: the suppression of knowledge and research by a religious authority …

    But the point isn’t what Planet of the Apes is or isn’t about. The point is, as another commenter mentioned, that of all the dystopian future sci-fi to compare present-day America to, PotA is the one that absolutely adds a racist overtone to your analogy, by dint of the well-known historic dehumanization of black people by comparing them to apes.

    This is not a complicated thing. The moron who wrote the above column even recognizes this problem with his analogy, but goes ahead with it anyway. That means either a) he is too stupid to figure out another sci-fi tale to use for his little exercise, or b) he goes ahead with the PotA thing because he actively wants to blow the racist dog whistle (ape whistle?) while disingenuously disowning it at the same time (the more likely explanation).

  94. Fat, lazy wingnuts said,

    October 6, 2009 at 18:04

    (ape whistle?)

    Probably “Aba Daba Honeymoon,” because it’s virtually impossible to whistle “Mickey’s Monkey.”

  95. Niels G. said,

    October 6, 2009 at 18:06

    So, apes are the dog whistles of planetary fascism?

  96. cyntax said,

    October 6, 2009 at 18:14

    I can only shake my head in frustration as this show of weakness is swiftly spat upon by villains

    I just want to know why these guys are so transparent about their insecurities: oh noez i haz impotenss!

  97. MrToad said,

    October 6, 2009 at 18:20

    I can’t believe you missed the most important sub-plot! That reference to “sing-song chants” is clearly a reference to the ape-like “Yellow Peril” Red Communist Mao Devil Doctor Fu Manchu Chinese Apes that also want to Destroy America and steal our white women. So you’ve at least 2 different flavors of miscegenation mixed in with the intoxicating scent of bestiality. Excuse me, I have to go lie down for a few moments now.

  98. Galactic Dustbin said,

    October 6, 2009 at 18:22

    my GODS these people are sore losers

  99. noen said,

    October 6, 2009 at 18:51

    I loath bananas.

  100. Dr. g said,

    October 6, 2009 at 19:15

    ill conceived military weakness in foreign assemblies, such as the United Nations.

    I did not know we were planning for our military to storm the UN assembly, I am certainly glad Obama’s put a stop to that.

    Seriously, though – even knowing what I know about the issues that wingnuts fixate on, this nonsense is so poorly written I have no idea what they’re talking about.

    What does he mean by “ill-conceived military weakness in foreign assemblies such as the United Nations.”? I assume he’s talking about Obama chairing the UN Security Council summit on nuke non-proliferation, but how could anyone who didn’t know that get THAT out of what he wrote?

    “Assemblies such as the United Nations?” Oh, are there others out there, then?

    And just what the heck is this referring to:

    “Barack Obama, who when not busy fomenting racial conflict among the people who voted him “ this is just a “given” the reader is supposed to accept?

    and : TEA Party goers are completely de-humanized by the government – WTF?

    If, in 10 years someone were unlucky enough to stumble on this, it will be literally impossible to figure out what it means.

  101. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    October 6, 2009 at 19:16

    …many who would falsely infer my assessment is focused somehow on race, instead of policy…

    Amen! Preach it Ibby!
    Defense of Bush-era torture atrocities?
    Continued claims of powers of indefinite suspension?
    Bankster TARP relief?
    Escalation in Afghanistan?
    Watering down the Public Option?
    Avoiding FOI requests by hiding behind “National Security”?

    What’s it gonna be? What policies are you gonna skewer?

    ACORN and Iran? That’s what your prediction of the primate-ruled dystopian future is based on? Ummmm, perhaps this “policy” thing you invoked doesn’t mean what you think it means.

  102. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    October 6, 2009 at 19:18

    You can tell I’m a Canuck by the way all my sentences end like questions? Eh?

  103. PeeJ said,

    October 6, 2009 at 19:24

    the deadly preparation for chaos that is unfolding

    Oh good! They’re killing themselves, preparing. Or is it the unfolding of the preparation that’s deadly? What the fuck is he talking about?*

    * blackity black nigger in the white house, yes I know.

  104. laym said,

    October 6, 2009 at 19:31

    zealots such as Ahmadinejad reach out in wild-eyed salivation to grasp and wield nuclear cleansing fire against the none-believer

    Wild-eyed and salivating, eh? Didn’t realize that Ahmadinejad was a character from a comic book.

    And, um, cleansing? That word has positive connotations, dudn’t it? Are we seeing an unintentional reveal there?

  105. OneMadClown said,

    October 6, 2009 at 19:33

    my GODS these people are sore losers

    I prefer to think of the Renew America crowd as more of a doomsday cult. If only they’d buy their damn Nikes and hitch a ride on the next available comet.

  106. The Sum of All Paul A. Ibbetson's Fears in addition to The Worst Fade Out Ending in a Movie Ever said,

    October 6, 2009 at 19:39

    “In one of the countless billions of galaxies in the universe, lies a medium-sized star, and one of its satellites, a green and insignificant planet, is now dead.”

  107. PeeJ said,

    October 6, 2009 at 19:40

    I prefer to think of the Renew America crowd as more of a doomsday cult. If only they’d buy their damn Nikes and hitch a ride on the next available comet.

    Perhaps they could go ahead and actually cut off their balls.

  108. I Like Bananas, Coconuts, And Grapes; I Like Bananas, Coconuts, And Grapes; I Like Bananas, Coconuts, And Grapes; That's Why They Call Me The Goddamn Batman said,

    October 6, 2009 at 19:47

    I think that it’s worth taking a closer look (if just for a moment; steel yourselves for the task, darlings) at this Paul A. Ibbetson. He done wrote hisself a book that got five-star reviews on Amazon from, among other people, Amy E. Ibbetson of Cherryvale, Kansas, and… Paul A. Ibbetson. Coincidence, I’m sure. Not sure whether he favors the Patriot Act or not, but a more nuanced view may be coming with his next book, Let Your Chains Sit Lightly Upon You: Loving Big Brother, As Long As He’s Not A Brother Man.

  109. Dr. g said,

    October 6, 2009 at 19:52

    Take but a moment to look around you and it won’t take long to see

    so, it won’t take long to take a moment. Thanks for that.

    Writing this bad makes me chuckle.

  110. Xecky Gilchrist said,

    October 6, 2009 at 19:55

    “Barack Obama, who when not busy fomenting racial conflict among the people who voted him “ this is just a “given” the reader is supposed to accept?

    Yup, that’s wingnut MO. We just know that Obama is causing domestic strife and implementing Socialism Communism Fascism simply by existing and exerting his dusky will to sap that of the Heroes, or something – no laws are being passed or anything, it all happens through pure magic.

    I stumbled across the website of a former coworker of mine yesterday – hadn’t seen the guy in ten years, so not since pre-Gee-Dumbya days. Back then he was a libertarian. Now he’s gone full wingnut and his blog has gotten steadily more hysterical since Obama was elected, using just this mechanism of asserting that Obama is making us socialist and gonna raise our taxes!!! gibber gibber!

    Seems like the noises in the echo chamber have gone a bit shrill.

  111. justme said,

    October 6, 2009 at 19:57

    And in case anyone didn’t read their Krugman yesterday, which I hadn’t, he fucking nails it again.

    The key point is that ever since the Reagan years, the Republican Party has been dominated by radicals — ideologues and/or apparatchiks who, at a fundamental level, do not accept anyone else’s right to govern.

    Here I thought it would be OT to post it. Silly me.

  112. Dr. g said,

    October 6, 2009 at 20:01

    Before I begin to share why I believe this country is going to the apes (self-deserved destruction), which I am sure will make the fur fly among many who would falsely infer my assessment is focused somehow on race, instead of policy, and accuse me of crossing into the forbidden zone, let’s look at the overall message that the Planet of the Apes movies tried to convey.

    “I’m about to say something offensive, false and racist. So, let’s talk about movies.”

  113. Oblio's Cap said,

    October 6, 2009 at 20:01

    Just Alison, aka Snail Joust said,

    in your original post, it should have read:

    11.00 Sweet sweet monkey lovin’

    it makes more sense than anything that Ibbetson’s article said.

  114. Another Kiwi said,

    October 6, 2009 at 20:07

    I think that the compulsory bananas in every house and the tyre swing in every room are the biggest clues to preparing for apey chaos.

  115. actor212 said,

    October 6, 2009 at 20:10

    I think that the compulsory bananas in every house and the tyre swing in every room are the biggest clues to preparing for apey chaos.

    This is hidden in the reconciliation version of the Omnibus National Health Care and Uniform-Wearing Act of 2010.

  116. Dr. g said,

    October 6, 2009 at 20:11

    Xecky, I like the part about how he’s not only doing it, he’s “busy” doing it, and also working “with every ounce of his strength” to …er … Something Bad.

  117. PeeJ said,

    October 6, 2009 at 20:13

    I think that the compulsory bananas in every house and the tyre swing in every room

    Veiled PENIS and CIRCUMCISION reference.

  118. Xecky Gilchrist said,

    October 6, 2009 at 20:16

    I like the part about how he’s not only doing it, he’s “busy” doing it, and also working “with every ounce of his strength” to …er … Something Bad.

    I agree, that is especially precious. I can just imagine the sweat beading on Obama’s brow with the effort, and I’m sure the Ibbster has imagined that too – in great detail.

    He did miss a chance to use the phrase “every fiber of his being” there, tho, so minus four Wingnut Points for that.

  119. LittlePig said,

    October 6, 2009 at 20:22

    “In one of the countless billions of galaxies in the universe, lies a medium-sized star, and one of its satellites, a green and insignificant planet, is now dead.”

    I still remember how damn scared I was sitting in the theater after hearing that line (spoken by Paul Frees)

  120. LittlePig said,

    October 6, 2009 at 20:23

    TEA Party goers are completely de-humanized by the government

    Nature beat government to that job, chief.

  121. justme said,

    October 6, 2009 at 20:28

    The most awesome part to me was how clever he thinks this bit is.

    Despite some hippie-residue of the cultural time in which the movies were made, I think some fundamentally important messages rang out from the grotesque gorilla governed ground in which the character Taylor would fight to survive. The most important enduring message is that if we abuse what we have (our power, authority, tradition, and yes our country — if not world) we will not only find ourselves running in chaos amongst the freaks, but that we will also deserve to be caught up in the nets of our own demise.

    That’s also about where I had to stop reading, due to the flames and blood spouting from my eye sockets.

  122. mmy said,

    October 6, 2009 at 20:50

    My Obama/ape analogy is not racist because I say so, which is in fact central to my point.

  123. Smut Clyde said,

    October 6, 2009 at 20:53

    crossing into the forbidden zone
    For a second there, I had a dreadful sinking feeling that he was about to base his anti-Obama diatribe on “Stalker”.

    we will not only find ourselves running in chaos amongst the freaks
    There’s his problem right there. He misspelled ‘Choos’.

  124. Enraged Bull Limpet said,

    October 6, 2009 at 21:02

    Given all this talk about civilizational collapse, now’s probably a good time to reread Gibbon.

  125. justme said,

    October 6, 2009 at 21:04

    Eh, Gibbon, Ape. Same difference.

  126. pedestrian said,

    October 6, 2009 at 21:05

    I like the part about how he’s not only doing it, he’s “busy” doing it, and also working “with every ounce of his strength” to …er … Something Bad.

    That reminds me, I need to stop off for an ounce of strength on the way home tonight.

  127. Substance McGravitas said,

    October 6, 2009 at 21:07

    Eh, Gibbon, Ape. Same difference.

    Scientists have noted differing funk levels.

  128. actor212 said,

    October 6, 2009 at 21:11

    That reminds me, I need to stop off for an ounce of strength on the way home tonight.

    I like to buy by the key. It lasts a little longer.

  129. OneMan said,

    October 6, 2009 at 21:13

    “That reminds me, I need to stop off for an ounce of strength on the way home tonight”

    Veiled glory hole reference?

    Ow! Quit throwing shoes, you guys!

    So anyway, I want to thank you people for venturing into that cesspit so I don’t have to. From what I can gather, this dude appears to think the apes are the bad guys in the movies, when if I remember right, the bad guys were really present-day us?

  130. actor212 said,

    October 6, 2009 at 21:20

    Who among the non-lobotomized left in this country is not shouting aloud (or within), ‘It’s a mad house!’ I ask you now?

    You’re about a year late for my shouting, Ibby.

  131. Niels G. said,

    October 6, 2009 at 21:26

    Eh, Gibbon, Ape. Same difference.

    Scientists have noted differing funk levels.

    Brass monkey speaks his mind.

  132. Lurking Canadian said,

    October 6, 2009 at 21:59

    you didn’t set out to be racist, you still sure as shit need to come up with something non-monkey related if you’re going to rant about the first black president. If you choose not to, you’re dumb enough to deserve being branded a racist.

    You are more charitable than I am. When the cartoon about the dead chimp appeared, I was inclined to believe that possibly it was not done with racist intent. There was, after all, a dead chimp, shot by police, in the news at the time. I can imagine some political cartoonist thinking, “Need to make my deadline. Maybe I can use the dead chimp somehow? Maybe something on the stimulus?…” Of course, that cartoonist (or his editor, or the typesetter, or somebody) ought to have realized what he had done and deleted the thing before submitting it, but I can believe the original image was not intended to be a dog-whistle.

    This thing, though…As others have pointed out, there are a lot of SF dystopias that you have to go through before you get to the one where the apes are in charge. Especially if you are trying to claim the guy’s a Marxo-Commo-Fascist or whatever. In order to look past 1984 to see Planet of the Apes, you sort of have to be wearing your ape-coloured glasses to begin with.

  133. Steerpike said,

    October 6, 2009 at 22:12

    Of course, the movie had its stereotypes exactly backward vis-a-vis the aggression of various primate species. Gorillas, the low-brow “war-mongers” of the ape-world, are actually the most pacifist and thoughtful members of the primate family. Chimpanzees, by contrast, are vicious fighters, and are documented committing terrible acts of murder, gang-assault and even organized war-like raids on neighboring colonies. I don’t know offhand whether orangutans are the “intellectuals” portrayed in PoTA, but I know that by far the most vicious and warlike primate, by far, is the human.

  134. actor212 said,

    October 6, 2009 at 22:14

    I don’t know offhand whether orangutans are the “intellectuals” portrayed in PoTA

    Yup, in a word.

  135. Substance McGravitas said,

    October 6, 2009 at 22:14

    PLANET OF THE APES IS UNREALISTIC!

    Put that in your lieberal pipe and smoke it, Hollywood!

  136. Hoosier X said,

    October 6, 2009 at 22:23

    Was it over when the Germans bombed Ape Harbor?

    NO!

    And it ain’t over now!

  137. Hoosier X said,

    October 6, 2009 at 22:25

    Was it over when the Germans Apes bombed Pearl Whitey Harbor?

    NO!

    And it ain’t over now!

    Fixed.

  138. Johnny Pez said,

    October 6, 2009 at 22:28

    Almost 50 comments and no one has screamed about maniacs blowing things?

    Now you leave Mickey Kaus out of this.

  139. eric said,

    October 6, 2009 at 22:28

    You gotta watch a lot of TV to keep up with that illogic.

  140. PeeJ said,

    October 6, 2009 at 22:40

    For today’s totally OT link, I give you schadenfreude.

  141. Deuteronomy said,

    October 6, 2009 at 22:45

    If a man takes a wife and, after lying with her, dislikes her saying, ‘I married this woman, but when I approached her, I did not find proof of her virginity,’ …and no proof of the girl’s virginity can be found, she shall be brought to the door of her father’s house and there the men of the town shall stone her to death.

  142. actor212 said,

    October 6, 2009 at 22:49

    there the men of the town shall stone her to death

    Can’t she just come with a money-back guaranty?

  143. Substance McGravitas said,

    October 6, 2009 at 22:52

    Monkey-back?

  144. actor212 said,

    October 6, 2009 at 22:53

    That’s it!

    Ibby was watching “Monkey-Back Mountain” not PotA!

  145. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    October 6, 2009 at 23:02

    This fucker writes as if he’s had a serious head injury (no disrespect to anyone who’s suffered such an injury).

    Maybe he can be one of the principal authors of the New and Improved Conservative Bible.

  146. Vacuumslayer said,

    October 6, 2009 at 23:03

    Dr. g, I thought it was just me. I can’t figure out what Mr. Teen South Carolina is saying.

  147. Niels G. said,

    October 6, 2009 at 23:08

    From PeeJ’s link:
    But they picked the wrong victims on this occasion after being floored by two cross-dressers who are believed to have been cage fighters on a night out.

    It is hard to imagine a sentence containing much more condensed awesomeness.

    Maybe if the cross-dressing cage fighters had been snowboarding out of an exploding helicopter, but that’s about it.

  148. Niels G. said,

    October 6, 2009 at 23:10

    He’s bringing monkey back
    and Charlton Heston don’t know how to act.

    ’cause he’s dead, you see.

  149. handy said,

    October 6, 2009 at 23:12

    C’mon and Do the Donkey Kong!!!!

  150. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    October 6, 2009 at 23:15

    If the country is, indeed, going to the apes, it had better be the bobobos.

    Hooray, hooray, the first of May indeed!

  151. The Red Badger of Courage said,

    October 6, 2009 at 23:16

    It’s hideous and beautiful!

    The Jeebus Presents the Constitution painting

  152. actor212 said,

    October 6, 2009 at 23:18

    If the country is, indeed, going to the apes, it had better be the bobobos.

    Bob Owens and David Brooks?!?!?!?!?

    NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

    Or did you mean, bonobos?

  153. actor212 said,

    October 6, 2009 at 23:21

    The Jeebus Presents the Constitution painting

    Oh man, that is just so wrong on so many levels.

    We can start with the lack of black women…

  154. Citizen_X said,

    October 6, 2009 at 23:22

    Niles G:

    True, but the video contains even more awesomeness. Starts out as yer typical depressing Saturday night tableau: shirtless drunken morons beating up on people. Then they start harassing some trannies, and BOOM! BOOM! TWO OF ‘EM, BEAT DOWN BY THE LADYBOYS! Then they go staggering off, clearly much worse off than before.

    No audio, but I believe the line was, “Git ya stinkin’ paws offa me, ya damn durty chav!”

    (How’s that for trying to get back on topic?)

  155. PeeJ said,

    October 6, 2009 at 23:33

    The Red Badger of Courage said,

    October 6, 2009 at 23:16

    It’s hideous and beautiful!

    The Jeebus Presents the Constitution painting

    Damn you RBoC! I was just about to post that link. I was delayed by the awesomeness of the zoom-in commentary.

  156. Citizen_X said,

    October 6, 2009 at 23:35

    You know what that painting needs? APES! Where’s Dr. Zaius in that scene? Huh?

  157. Niels [sic] G. said,

    October 6, 2009 at 23:36

    We can start with the lack of black women…

    You can just make out Harriet Tubman in the upper left corner, but – in what is undoubtedly a tribute to Rosa Parks – she has been relegated to the back of the bus, so to speak, along with Sequoyah, Frederick Douglas, and the black union soldier behind Giant Ben Franklin.

    Citizen, I’d skipped the video the first time around, but you’re absolutely right, of course.

  158. Philip J. Fry said,

    October 6, 2009 at 23:36

    handy said,

    October 6, 2009 at 23:12

    C’mon and Do the Donkey Kong!!!!

    Wait a second. I know that monkey. His name is Donkey

  159. Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth said,

    October 6, 2009 at 23:37

    Monkeys aren’t donkeys. Quit messing with my head!

  160. PeeJ said,

    October 6, 2009 at 23:45

    Donkeys make for lousy butlers. Also.

  161. handy said,

    October 6, 2009 at 23:51

    It’s hideous and beautiful!

    The Jeebus Presents the Constitution painting

    That is truly frightening.

  162. mingo said,

    October 6, 2009 at 23:52


    If a man takes a wife and, after lying with her, dislikes her saying, ‘I married this woman, but when I approached her, I did not find proof of her virginity,’ …and no proof of the girl’s virginity can be found, she shall be brought to the door of her father’s house and there the men of the town shall stone her to death.

    I suspect this passage will totally make the cut for the ConservaBible.

  163. N.C. said,

    October 6, 2009 at 23:53

    I originally thought that painting was just another piece of religious effluvia until I saw that the college student in the lower left is holding a copy of The Five Thousand Year Leap.

  164. Newbie McNoob said,

    October 6, 2009 at 23:58

    The Jeebus Presents the Constitution painting

    I like how the (seemingly African American) college student in the lower left-hand corner is holding a copy of Cleon Skousen’s “The Five Thousand Year Leap.”

    The words, they fail me.

  165. Newbie McNoob said,

    October 6, 2009 at 23:59

    Damn you, N.C. and your quick posting!

  166. Niels G. said,

    October 7, 2009 at 0:01

    I originally thought that painting was just another piece of religious effluvia until I saw that the college student in the lower left is holding a copy of The Five Thousand Year Leap.

    Hey, if it’s good enough for Glenn Beck, who are we to argue?

    I may not be hip to the finer details of gettin’ down, but I think Adams may be in the midst of Doing the Donkey Kong, while to his left, Hamilton looks somewhat unnaturally pleased at the thought of tussling the smug, darwin-loving professor’s hair.

  167. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    October 7, 2009 at 0:07

    Or did you mean, bonobos?

    Ignore the man behind the cretin… I can’t believe I typed that!

    Dean Jonathan Gardner, aged 19, and Jason Andrew Fender, aged 22, were arrested following two separate incidents in The Kingsway which took place just moments apart in the early hours of August 30

    I would have expected better from an academic!

    Donkeys make for lousy butlers. Also

    They dance well, until they are sexually assaulted by Dan Riehl.

  168. Citizen_X said,

    October 7, 2009 at 0:09

    Wow, there is an entire harvest o’wingnut in that painting. Notice how everyone behind Jesus on the left is looking at Jesus, but on the right, everyone is sneering or pleading or looking disappointed at Mr. Hollywood, Mr. Smug Professor, Ms. Liberal Media Reporter Lady, etc. (With Satan behind them all!)

    Also, the decisions the Supreme Court Justice is mourning: they go all the way back to freaking Marbury vs. Madison in 1803. Apparently, God was blessing us for having all those founding fathers, Presidents, and generations of soldiers who were willing to work/fight/die for the country, and at the same time that the Supreme Court was steadily Satanificating it into hell on earth. Or something.

    And then there’s Mr. Frightened Heathen Chinaman: he’s not bad, he just didn’t realize where America’s greatness came from!

  169. Andrew N.P. said,

    October 7, 2009 at 0:10

    Hi there. Long time listener, first time caller.

    It’s hideous and beautiful!

    The Jeebus Presents the Constitution painting

    Okay, first question: what the hell are Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, and Thomas “Age of Frickin’ Reason” Paine doing here?

    Second question: why is Emperor Palpatine in this picture? (No, really. Stage left, just below Hamilton. The artist says it’s Satan. The artist is lying.)

    Third and final: why, why, why did this guy have to use White Jesus? It’s not like we wouldn’t recognize him. The halo, nail marks, and royal robes should clue us in that this is the Son of God.

  170. LittlePig said,

    October 7, 2009 at 0:11

    I originally thought that painting was just another piece of religious effluvia until I saw that the college student in the lower left is holding a copy of The Five Thousand Year Leap.

    A Wonketteer said each of the little scraps of paper below the Judge have hyperlinks to Supreme Court cases Mr. McNaughton disagrees with.

    Given what I can see of this crawling horror I truly cannot tell if that is snark or not.

  171. LittlePig said,

    October 7, 2009 at 0:14

    why is Emperor Palpatine in this picture? (No, really. Stage left, just below Hamilton. The artist says it’s Satan. The artist is lying.

    That’s not Palpatine. It’s Lucius Malfoy. Sheesh.

  172. tigrismus said,

    October 7, 2009 at 0:16

    A former friend sent me a link to that painting today. I had to shove tampons in my eyes to stop the bleeding.

  173. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    October 7, 2009 at 0:17

    It’s hideous and beautiful!

    I imagine it looks better on the original black velvet.

    Also, WTF? Why no Elvis?

  174. Substance McGravitas said,

    October 7, 2009 at 0:19

    I had to shove tampons in my eyes to stop the bleeding.

    ATTENTION DEMONIC HEATHEN: accept the lord and your eyes will drip apple pie.

  175. LittlePig said,

    October 7, 2009 at 0:19

    Not to mention no poker-playing dogs.

  176. gocart mozart said,

    October 7, 2009 at 0:23

    I especially like the six evil people in the bottom right corner: The Supreme Court Justice crying in shame next to the pregnant woman, the politician on his cell phone, evil lie-brul teacher with his Darwin book, Mr Hollywood, and the sleazy lawyer counting his cash. What no Clenis?

  177. gocart mozart said,

    October 7, 2009 at 0:24

    Also, where’s George Soros and ACORN also?

  178. Dr. g said,

    October 7, 2009 at 0:24

    won’t somebody think of the big-eyed children!

  179. Niels G. said,

    October 7, 2009 at 0:24

    Well, it’s a good effort, but he’s no Thomas Kinkade.

  180. Newbie McNoob said,

    October 7, 2009 at 0:24

    Is it me, or does the School Teacher resemble a certain Quitta from Wasilla?

    It’s just me, innit?

  181. Niels G. said,

    October 7, 2009 at 0:28

    The Supreme Court Justice crying in shame

    I second that facepalm. And I’m guessing that greedy lawyer/stock broker/banker guy is named something like Jewy Jewjew McJewish.

  182. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    October 7, 2009 at 0:30

    What no Clenis?

    He’s underneath the nosy lady reporter’s skirt.

    I also note a distinct absence of Joseph Smith and/or Brigham Young- they are probably in the full version which is still hidden from the Evangelical Protestant types.

    Wait until they see the vault copy.

  183. gocart mozart said,

    October 7, 2009 at 0:30

    This is what it is all about. If it ever comes to light that Barry Obama called little Susie a poopyhead and pulled her hair in kindergarten, we are going to have to deal with another impeachment people.

    http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=112015
    WND also has reported that among the documentation not yet available for Obama includes his kindergarten records, Punahou school records, Occidental College records, Columbia University records, Columbia thesis, Harvard Law School records, Harvard Law Review articles, scholarly articles from the University of Chicago, passport, medical records, files from his years as an Illinois state senator, his Illinois State Bar Association records, any baptism records and his adoption records.

  184. noen said,

    October 7, 2009 at 0:32

    That Mc Naughton site is not loading the full pict but I can only count about 5 blacks, all far in the back. There are a few people hanging their heads in shame and a guy holding a book but sadly I can’t tell what that’s all about.

    It takes a powerful brand of sheer stupidity to believe the constitution was handed down to all us sinners by a tall Caucasian Jebus. Nice touch with the young boy at the forefront. They got a thing for young boys.

  185. mingo said,

    October 7, 2009 at 0:33


    It’s just me, innit?

    I thought so, too. when was this escrescence painted, anyway? I refuse to go back and look for that info.

  186. Newbie McNoob said,

    October 7, 2009 at 0:33

    That painting was compromised in reaching its full wingnut potential when a philandering Kennedy was included in it.

  187. mingo said,

    October 7, 2009 at 0:34

    erm, that would be ‘excrescence’. also

  188. Substance McGravitas said,

    October 7, 2009 at 0:35

    I presume you’ve checked out the immigrant and his cowering before the might of the Christ.

  189. Newbie McNoob said,

    October 7, 2009 at 0:40

    I presume you’ve checked out the immigrant and his cowering before the might of the Christ.

    Same thing happened to my dad when he got off the boat in 1951. Back then, every immigrant was personally welcomed ashore by a U.S. Constitution-holding Jeebus.

  190. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    October 7, 2009 at 0:42

    I hear that Jesus is a bad mother…

  191. SomeNYGuy said,

    October 7, 2009 at 5:12

    Somebody broke the internet?

    Somebody fixed the internet?

  192. Anthony said,

    October 7, 2009 at 5:20

    Has anyone noticed the translucent Satan tucked behind the college professor and Mr. Hollywood.

  193. Newbie McNoob said,

    October 7, 2009 at 5:33

    The Jeebus Presents the Constitution painting 2.0

    Captions now contain new snark features:

    http://www.shortpacked.com/McNaughton%20Fine%20Art.htm

  194. ckc (not kc) said,

    October 7, 2009 at 5:46

    Davy Crockett???

  195. Daphne Chyprious said,

    October 7, 2009 at 5:53

    “None-believer,” huh. I’m going to read that as a non-typo.

  196. zombie rotten mcdonald said,

    October 7, 2009 at 6:10

    I have just optioned the rights for APE CHAOS VS. ZOMBOCALYPSE 2011!!!

    Michael Bay is helming it, motherfuckers!! KA-CHING!! we’re gonna have a DOZEN writers!

    Adam Baldwin!! Bruce Willis!! Melanie Griffith!! Chim-Chim the Bike Riding chimpanzee!! and Woody Harrelson!!

  197. Citizen_X said,

    October 7, 2009 at 6:11

    In addition to snark, the shortpacked.com version also has quotes from the usual suspects among the FFs–Jefferson, Madison, Franklin, Paine (or, as this idiot McNaughton calls him, “Thomas Payne“)–concerning what they really thought about this business of mixing up chrch and state.

  198. animus said,

    October 7, 2009 at 6:30

    What does he mean by “ill-conceived military weakness in foreign assemblies such as the United Nations.”?

    I think he means that Obama should nuke the General Assembly.

  199. cowalker said,

    October 7, 2009 at 7:10

    As others have observed, Pastor Swank, look to your laurels. Mr. Ibbetson is “aping” your style.

  200. Newbie McNoob said,

    October 7, 2009 at 7:22

    Re: McNaughton painting.

    FTW:

    http://js-kit.com/blob/mPe8Np0hox_geDfBmf9Bi8.jpg

  201. Newbie McNoob said,

    October 7, 2009 at 7:27

    Hat tip for above link goes to comment section at Joe.My.God:

    http://joemygod.blogspot.com/2009/10/jesus-wrote-constitution.html

  202. itwasntme said,

    October 7, 2009 at 7:29

    I can see his jowls flapping as he reads this back to himself, satisfied that he’s given us all a good piece of his mind.

  203. Innocent Bystander said,

    October 7, 2009 at 7:45

    I fear his hate projector has fried his self-awareness capacitors.

  204. ApeRadio91 (The Planet) said,

    October 7, 2009 at 8:09

    Tulsa put up a surprisingly strong bid, but, as expected, the committee awarded the UN headquarters to Guantanamo Bay.

  205. Just Alison, aka Snail Joust said,

    October 7, 2009 at 8:45

    Newbie McNoob, those captions are priceless.

    Returning to the apetty ape theme, I’m wondering why no-one has yet mentioned The Funky Gibbon. Surely a mid-70s dance tune from a British comedy trio is worth a mention?

    [Stumbles off into corner, muttering "I used to love the Goodies, when Ah were a lass..."]

  206. justme said,

    October 7, 2009 at 10:53

    Alison,

    Substance McG did, in fact, go there, horrible as it may be.

  207. justme said,

    October 7, 2009 at 11:10

    Are we sure he didn’t mean “This apery is going to the cunts”, because that makes more sense than what he wrote.

    Then again, most anything that clearly references the oppressive deification of male-gaze hetero normative modes of synthesis in a semiotic blancmange of post-structural teakettle barbecue hatstand fishmonger makes more sense than what he wrote.

  208. M. Bouffant said,

    October 7, 2009 at 11:25

    oppressive deification of male-gaze hetero normative modes of synthesis

    Jeez, I wuz just lookin’, I didn’t tetch nuthin’.

  209. SomeNYGuy said,

    October 7, 2009 at 14:50

    Adam Baldwin!! Bruce Willis!! Melanie Griffith!! Chim-Chim the Bike Riding chimpanzee!! and Woody Harrelson!!

    Sounds promising — but who’s going to play the humans?

  210. zombie rotten mcdonald said,

    October 7, 2009 at 15:53

    what humans? We’ve got Zombies! And Monkeys!!

    and Roddy McDowell as “Esther”

  211. Chris Parmly said,

    October 15, 2009 at 17:09

    WOW and LMAO. You’re a douchebag and a half, sir (I say that admiringly just so we’re clear). Thanks for the laugh.

  212. blak geneyis said,

    December 18, 2009 at 5:09

    iz gotz sumpin ta saay. dem witeez dat sayy blak peepel b apez b rassist 4 sayin dat cuz dey b crakas an sheet. eyez be a curcumfized blak geneyis wif ay eyeq ov 226.00% soh iz knows whatt iz b talkin bout mafuka. al dem witeez b badd an dey discuminalatez agaen blaks cuz dey b razzict. kil witeez an blak powa!

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