Oct
5
5
Chewbacca never dies
This old classic shall never, never go away.
If CBS producer Robert (Joe) Halderman intended to blackmail David Letterman about the funnyman’s sex life, he would have demanded cash, his lawyer said Monday. [...]
“Look at the fact that there was a $2 million check. In the history of extortion, I don’t think there’s been a single case where the alleged extortionist took a check in payment. It just doesn’t make any sense.”
And as long as we’re here — the Ernie Anastos “episode” (Putting the Fucking in KFC) reminded us of another even older classic:
actor212 said,
October 5, 2009 at 21:47
The guy was stupid enough to accept a check, you mean.
Looch said,
October 5, 2009 at 21:52
An appeal to people of average intelligence arguing that no one, no one, could possibly be this fucking stupid. The man has a point. And since many people seem to think they are optimistic in nature, the lawyer might just pull it off.
Willy said,
October 5, 2009 at 22:00
Extortion doesn’t make any sense, ergo, no crime!
mmy said,
October 5, 2009 at 22:01
The counter-argument:
Look, when you’re a scruffy-looking nerf herder, you get desperate. Desperate people do things that don’t make sense, such as kissing your sister for luck or creating a CGI lizard that talks in Stepin Fetchit patois.
The defendant tried to get rich, but he forgot that there is no try. Also, he’s my father. Thank you.
actor212 said,
October 5, 2009 at 22:07
Jar Jar Binks is the Jew of the Star Wars canon. Also.
Rhodo Zeb said,
October 5, 2009 at 22:07
Umm, no that has happened about a gazillion times in the real world.
And yes, it doesn’t make any sense. Still happens all the time.
Of course, if you want to really have fun, you can point out that checks are teh risky .
Letterman should have just swiped his card.
Scott said,
October 5, 2009 at 22:19
Halderman’s lawyer has been talking a lot of smack today, hasn’t he?
I assume that Halderman’s going to be accepting a plea for about 20 years in the hoosegow…
QrazyQat said,
October 5, 2009 at 22:25
The idea/alibi was that he was selling a screenplay treatment to Letterman, therefore a check made sense. Actually smart if it had worked. You declare it, pay your taxes, and there’s “no crime”.
vacuumslayer said,
October 5, 2009 at 22:29
That dude is a maroon. Like I didn’t suspect that an unmarried, straight man (who happens to be wealthy and powerful) might have consensual sex with adult women. I’m not even sure why this dolt thought this info was even extortion-worthy.
fardels bear said,
October 5, 2009 at 22:32
It is obviously Bill Clinton’s fault.
Joe Max said,
October 5, 2009 at 22:37
The “check” was likely a cashier’s check, drawn on the bank, not a personal draft from Letterman’s checkbook. See, you convince the perp to take the cashier’s check to their choice of banks in the Cayman Islands and transfer the funds. In fact, that’s much easier to deal with as a means of clandestine payout than a suitcase containing 2 mil. That much cash has the DEA and IRS asking questions, no matter what you try to do with it. Or you end up paying a big chunk of it in “laundering” fees to unsavory characters who just may whack you and take the suitcase from your cold, dead hands.
Jeff Fecke said,
October 5, 2009 at 22:51
No, criminals are never stupid! That would be unpossible!
Julian Perez said,
October 5, 2009 at 22:53
Joe Haldeman? NoooooOOOOOOooo!
Granted, I’ve read the only book by him that anyone’s ever read, “The Forever War” (which in some ways makes him a male Margaret Atwood) but still, I really loved that one.
I mean, at first, I thought writing the script for Robot Jox was a lifetime low, but still…
Legalize said,
October 5, 2009 at 22:54
I don’t know; I’ve read that the fella was deeply in debt. He was desperate. Desperate people do stupid stuff. He bet that Letterman was rich enough and vulnerable enough to play ball. Obviously, his gamble didn’t work out for him.
dayraven said,
October 5, 2009 at 23:26
Unless I’m the one missing the joke here, I should point out that Robert Joel “Joe” Halderman isn’t the same person as Joe William Haldeman, author of The Forever War.
"Oh Stewardess, I Speak 'Nut" said,
October 5, 2009 at 23:51
This just in: Obama accuses Dems of wanting to cut & run in Afghanistan.
Now back to your regularly-scheduled program.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
October 6, 2009 at 0:04
I don’t know; I’ve read that the fella was deeply in debt. He was desperate. Desperate people do stupid stuff. He bet that Letterman was rich enough and vulnerable enough to play ball. Obviously, his gamble didn’t work out for him.
This was a triumph- now he doesn’t have to pay rent or buy food for years. By the time he gets out, the economy should have recovered.
If he’d decided to wait out the economy in grad school, he’d just end up with more debt.
Paul Prudhomme said,
October 6, 2009 at 0:20
Engels leren?
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
October 6, 2009 at 0:48
Even the Chewbacca Defense is doing the guy no favours:
Dunno Gerry Shargel, you’re his lawyer – you could ask Joe why David Letterman would give him a two million dollar check. I’m sure that there’s a perfectly logical and legal explanation for it.
sarah said,
October 6, 2009 at 0:50
yeah, i think that guy should probably get a new lawyer at his earliest convenience. also, thanks for the song that’s now stuck in my head!
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
October 6, 2009 at 0:59
Feargal’s finest effort, in this bastard’s estimation.
The Undertones- for those who considered the Ramones too baroque.
handy said,
October 6, 2009 at 1:11
Too bad Feargal can’t make this disappear.
Substance McGravitas said,
October 6, 2009 at 1:16
Meaning this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bx9qUR9P2ZQ
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
October 6, 2009 at 1:25
Yak!
~
handy said,
October 6, 2009 at 1:28
thx Substance, yeah meaning that. Copy and paste fail all mine.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
October 6, 2009 at 1:30
POOP!
~
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
October 6, 2009 at 1:34
That’s the video DKW linked to in the first place.
Getting back to Chewbacca- I remember having a conversation with a female friend, and she’d come to the conclusion that Chewbacca was the perfect man- great hair, in touch with his feelings, strong but capable of gentleness, handy. Of course, I had to bring up the fact that there had to be Wookie fetishists out there, and, of course, she had to whip out her mobile device to prove me wrong… (note the ominousness!)
It just goes to show you, “Always trust the shorter” applies in all cases.
yoyo said,
October 6, 2009 at 1:40
Granted, I’ve read the only book by him that anyone’s ever read, “The Forever War”
Wow I didn’t connect the dots. What a shame, first he listened to the anti clinton crap and thought the public would have a pink fit but before that he ran one of those moronic crime shows. well I suppose he had to pay his health insurance somehow.
handy said,
October 6, 2009 at 1:42
That’s the video DKW linked to in the first place.
It just must not be my day. Of course, Chewbacca defense notwithstanding, Halderman must be thinking, “It just must not be my year.”
yoyo said,
October 6, 2009 at 1:42
Whoops, missed the correction. Phew…. I hate it when a science fiction writer turns out to be an Orson Scott Card.
Smut Clyde said,
October 6, 2009 at 1:45
she had to whip out her mobile device to prove me wrong
I bet that also happens to the Goddamn Batman a lot.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
October 6, 2009 at 1:52
I hate it when a science fiction writer turns out to be an Orson Scott Card
It seems to happen with alarming frequency.
PeeJ said,
October 6, 2009 at 1:57
I got drunk with Joe Haldeman in Columbus Ohio circa 1978. It was some sfcon or other, I don’t recall. Haldeman seemed to think I was coming on to him. Or something, I guess. He wasn’t in any way attractive and everything was all about him. Total dickweed.
Hmm, I think that *might* have been the weekend my friend George (a.k.a. Sunshine) was inspired to write the song “Harlan in the Shower” after more drunken frivolity in Harlan’s room.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled buffoonery.
PeeJ said,
October 6, 2009 at 1:59
It seems to happen with alarming frequency.
Yes. I was so disappointed to find out Dan Simmons was another conservadolt.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
October 6, 2009 at 2:01
Hey, I got drunk with Chewbacca a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. He seemed to think I was coming on to him, because I told him he had great hair. Total dickweed.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
October 6, 2009 at 2:11
NPR had a Rod Serling retrospective in an “On the Media” segment. I’d never known that he wrote a script inspired by Emmett Till’s murder, which the fucking networks watered down shamefully.
NPR- I just can’t stay mad at them.
PeeJ said,
October 6, 2009 at 2:29
So B⁴, were you or were you not trying to hit on him? Furry minds probably want to know.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
October 6, 2009 at 2:42
So B?, were you or were you not trying to hit on him? Furry minds probably want to know.
Nah, I was just having a pang of “Hair Envy”, but, upon contemplating my gloriously glossy glabrous globe gleaming in the mirror behind the bar, I ended up pitying him, and his exorbitant shampoo bill.
Substance McGravitas said,
October 6, 2009 at 3:19
OMG SOMEONE ON FACEBOOK IS MODERATING COMMENTS ABOUT ROMAN POLANSKI!!!
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
October 6, 2009 at 3:32
That’s the video DKW linked to in the first place.
Nuh-uh. Like I would link weapons-grade 80′s earworms just for the sake of a Spoonerismajiggy. Anyways, good thing the lawyer’s name wasn’t Wathhew Milder.
Substance McGravitas said,
October 6, 2009 at 3:39
Fantastic!
Brandi said,
October 6, 2009 at 3:58
NPR had a Rod Serling retrospective in an “On the Media” segment. I’d never known that he wrote a script inspired by Emmett Till’s murder, which the fucking networks watered down shamefully.
Part of the reason he got behind “The Twilight Zone” was that he felt he could better put his social commentary across if it was safely disguised as fantasy/science fiction. True, some of his episodes seem painfully didactic in retrospect, but to use the line from TVTropes, Some Anvils Need To Be Dropped.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
October 6, 2009 at 3:59
I believe that the ability of Substance McGravitas to post url links on this weblog should be eliminated.
For the sake of the children, and such as.
~
Substance McGravitas said,
October 6, 2009 at 4:00
NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
October 6, 2009 at 4:11
Except for Austrian Death Machine links, of course.
Get To The Choppa!11!!!!11!
~
Substance McGravitas said,
October 6, 2009 at 4:16
This is heavier.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
October 6, 2009 at 4:22
This has more substance.
~
Substance McGravitas said,
October 6, 2009 at 4:26
Bum bum.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
October 6, 2009 at 4:37
Congrats to Brazil!!
~
Substance McGravitas said,
October 6, 2009 at 4:41
Lemmy’s verdict.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
October 6, 2009 at 5:17
Ya got me. I can’t argue with Lemmy.
~
Arky said,
October 6, 2009 at 5:24
Wheee! Wookies on Endor! Can I play?
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client is a vegetarian. Therefore there was absolutely no reason for my client to have the ears and eyeballs of 16 cheerleaders in his refrigerator, so you must find him not guilty!
Christ, he’d be better off retaining Orly Taitz, DDSesq.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
October 6, 2009 at 5:44
Jingle Bells!!
~
tensor said,
October 6, 2009 at 6:13
she had to whip out her mobile device
Seriously unveiled vibrator reference.
PeeJ said,
October 6, 2009 at 6:17
What can one do? Except this.
M. Bouffant said,
October 6, 2009 at 6:55
Sweet Blood of Jesus, nothing makes me happier that I am old (& will be dead soon enough) than seeing/hearing the tunes of the eighties. I’m happy as a pig in shit (& have other similarities thereto) that I was already well through puberty, on a higher spiritual plane, & paying no attention to that crap.
Cultural hegemony aside, it was amusing & nostalgic to see the Pioneer Chicken & somewhat lamented Starwood (both long gone now) right there at Santa Monica & Crescent Hts., in the Feargal (“Dr. Freud, paging …”) videos.
M. Bouffant said,
October 6, 2009 at 6:58
“Jingle Bells” w/o “Santa smells?” Bullshit!
Smut Clyde said,
October 6, 2009 at 8:09
I am concerned by the lack of comment from Rugged-in-Montana about the continuing hi-jinks in Hardin from the American Private Police Force. Can he single-handedly defend the US from the APPF, who are actually Russian infiltrators if their revised emblem is any guide?
InsaneInTheCheneyBrain said,
October 6, 2009 at 8:36
Why are more people not talking about how awesome Alan Grayson is?
I just gave that mad awesome bastard $1000.
Dare me to do more. Hell, dare yourself.
justme said,
October 6, 2009 at 8:49
Damn you, PeeJ. I was so posting this by the time I was halfway through that youtube skirmish.
justme said,
October 6, 2009 at 9:52
MB, speaking as someone who came of age during the early eighties, I paid little or no attention to that crap either. If the world really needs an object lesson about the evils of cocaine (and the Yamaha DX-7), they need look no farther than eighties pop.
Kid, you don’t wanna end up like this. Or this.
Just Alison, aka Snail Joust said,
October 6, 2009 at 9:55
None of you are mentioning the Letterman elephant in the room, which is that the extortion was because he was having consensual sex with women – no vegetables or animals, no electrical devices, and no wetsuits. How creepy is that?
actor212 said,
October 6, 2009 at 16:59
None of you are mentioning the Letterman elephant in the room, which is that the extortion was because he was having consensual sex with women – no vegetables or animals, no electrical devices, and no wetsuits. How creepy is that?
It’s downright Clintonian.
Durrrr said,
October 6, 2009 at 17:33
Letterman is a tv entertainer who was unmarried and having consensual sex with adult women on his staff: and I should care, why? Repubs are doubtless not amused bc he wasn’t doing the nasty w/underage kidz or closeted males.
Halderman sounds like he was broke & desparate and prolly had other probs as well. His lawyer is a dope, but whatevs.
And then back to thanking Justme for tricking me into watching about 10 seconds of that horrosish George, the Boy, vid. Thanks for nuttin: and reminding me of what I’d rather never remember. Brain bleach, plz.
Johnny Pez said,
October 6, 2009 at 18:16
Actually, Chewbacca dies in Vector Prime.
Um, spoiler alert. I think.
actor212 said,
October 6, 2009 at 18:29
Actually, Chewbacca dies in Vector Prime.
Nothing like a fanovel to ruin a franchise.
Every Now And Then, Alfred Asks Bruce Wayne For A Million Or Two For "Petty Cash", And Bruce Wayne Pays It, And Alfred Doesn't Publish His Book Titled "Me And The Goddamn Batman", And Everything's Motherfucking Copacetic said,
October 6, 2009 at 19:23
What did he think Letterman would do, haul in a big steamer trunk full of $2 million in small, unmarked nonconsecutive used bills?* Gold bars?** Flawless emeralds the size of pigeon’s eggs?*** This is a big-time TV talk show host talking to a big-time TV talk show producer; they could say that it’s half-cents accidentally rounded off the crew’s paychecks over twenty years or so that needs to go to the League of Extraordinary Gaffers and no one would blink. You can’t trust the Swiss to keep the numbered accounts secret any more, whatcha gonna do?
*Somewhere I can find how much that would weigh, but I’ve got a sore throat today and am feeling lazy. You’ve got the intertubes too. I’m thinking that a hand truck (or a “dolly” as it’s called in some regions) would be involved if you’re talking about $20 bills, and probably not the sort of cheap, cardboard-walled “trunk” you’d get at Target, either.
**If oanda.com can be trusted, gold is currently trading at a bit over $1000 the ounce. I don’t know if that’s troy ounce or avoirdupois, but either way over a ton of gold is involved. Even though it would be pretty compact, special handling would be involved.
***No freakin’ idea, sorry.
Xecky Gilchrist said,
October 6, 2009 at 19:46
If oanda.com can be trusted, gold is currently trading at a bit over $1000 the ounce.
If so, $2M is 2000 ounces, not a ton. Still a pretty hefty weight.
Jon H said,
October 6, 2009 at 21:07
“If so, $2M is 2000 ounces, not a ton. Still a pretty hefty weight.”
125 pounds. Call it five 25 pound bags. Not too hard to deal with. People manage bigger loads every day at Home Depot.
actor212 said,
October 6, 2009 at 21:26
Gold is exchanged in troy ounces, so it’s 167 pounds.
tigrismus said,
October 6, 2009 at 21:34
167 troy pounds, 137 avoirdupois.
Stag Party Palin said,
October 6, 2009 at 22:03
Nothing like a fanovel to ruin a franchise.
Hmmph. Lucas committed franchicide long ago. Exhibit A: Ewoks. Exhibit B: Jarjar N****r. But since the very beginning, Exhibit AAAA: dialogue. Sure the plot is infantile, but the dialogue is so much worse. I loved the first movie and now when I look at it I recoil in horror at what those characters ‘say’. I guess I was younger then.
Signed – life-long reader of SF
actor212 said,
October 6, 2009 at 22:08
Sure the plot is infantile, but the dialogue is so much worse
Then you missed the joke. It was deliberately bad, because he was paying homage to the Buck Rogers genre. Han Solo could just as easily have been Rogers or Flash Gordon, Leia would be Dale…I mean, the dead-on clue is “Commander Cody”.
But, I give you Jar Jar…
Stag Party Palin said,
October 6, 2009 at 22:35
If it’s a joke, it’s not good enough. I don’t buy “I meant it to be bad” as any kind of art. Truly I am pissed at Lucas for screwing up an opportunity to have done something great. He revived SF in movies, yes. He broke ground in special effects, yes. But the work itself sucks trailer hitches, and after The Empire Barfs Back (my favorite of the 6) it is just unwatchable, which I proved to myself by not ever seeing episodes 2 and 3.
actor212 said,
October 6, 2009 at 22:47
*shrug*
I bought the story, and yes, the dialogue, not helped by some abysmal acting, was cheesy.
Got no problem with that, but then I’m old enough to remember sitting in a theatre all day on a Saturday for four cartoons, two serials, and a double feature.
Oh, and our moms got a set of dishes.
Doctorb said,
October 7, 2009 at 10:04
Hey, have you ever tried herding nerfs? Those bastards are mean.
No One Ever Said That The Goddamn Batman Could Count said,
October 7, 2009 at 17:16
Good grief, I mistook ounces for pounds? I was sicker than I thought.
Also, re: Smut Clyde:
You have no idea.