Sep
28
28
A Portrait Of An Asshole* As A Middle-Aged Man
ABOVE: Dan Riehl, c. 1785, Oil on canvas
by Joseph Siffred Duplessis
Shorter Dan Riehl, Poor Dan Riehl’s Almanack
Was Census Worker Bill Sparkman A Child Predator?
- Using the same sleuthing skills I used to solve (single-handedly, I might add) the Natalee Holloway case, I deduced that Bill Sparkman was a pedophile from the fact that he was a middle-aged man without a wife or children. Well, true, I don’t have a wife or children either, but, but, but …
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
*Cf.
[h/t commenter b.g.]
lawfam said,
September 28, 2009 at 16:24
Firstest.
N__B said,
September 28, 2009 at 16:25
A Portrait Of An Asshole* As A Middle-Aged Man
Most assholes more closely resemble starfish – or, for certain goatse practitioners, pint glasses – but in this case, I believe you’re right.
Brandi said,
September 28, 2009 at 16:28
…
…
… I kinda want to go Pat Bateman on this guy now.
donnah said,
September 28, 2009 at 16:28
Riehl is puke. I have been reading a lot of bloggers’ responses to this piece of shit and now I’ve read that he’s twittering that he was joking, as in, “jeez, can’t you people take a joke?” Right. Because it’s a real hoot when you blatantly, falsely accuse a murder victim of being a pedophile, based on absolutely nothing other than your raging desire to humiliate someone you’ve never met. Hi-fucking-larious.
Riehl should write from a prison cell.
Bullsmith said,
September 28, 2009 at 16:34
There are so many low points being hit these days I keep waiting for someone like Glenn Beck to suddenly emerge in China. But even in a wasteland of craven spew, this one stands out. No kidding Riehl’s decided to claim he was joking.
actor212 said,
September 28, 2009 at 16:34
Posted this at Dan-O’s blog:
g said,
September 28, 2009 at 16:35
Well, not only is Reihl lacking in the human decency to be ashamed for his post, he’s also scrubbing any comments pointing that out.
LD said,
September 28, 2009 at 16:36
“I deduced that Bill Sparkman was a pedophile from the fact that he was a middle-aged man without a wife or children. Well, true, I don’t have a wife or children either, but, but, but …”
So….
The difference between Dan Riehl and a pedophile is that only one of them can be found hanging around in forest naked and bound with ducttape?
That can’t be right…
actor212 said,
September 28, 2009 at 16:42
The difference between Dan Riehl and a pedophile is that only one of them can be found hanging around in forest naked and bound with ducttape?
That can’t be right…</i?
Riehl wears two wetsuits.
PeeJ said,
September 28, 2009 at 16:44
The difference: pedophiles are human.
actor212 said,
September 28, 2009 at 16:45
Grrrrr, tags…I’m it.
Substance McGravitas said,
September 28, 2009 at 16:46
Which form was more accurate?
The idea that there’s this thing called “crime blogging” in which you get to bullshit like crazy because it’s “crime blogging” is a strange one.
Stephen said,
September 28, 2009 at 16:48
Shorter right-wing blogosphere: This guy clearly wasn’t killed for political reasons, and anyway, he probably deserved to die for other reasons anyway. Also.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
September 28, 2009 at 16:48
That’s pretty good, but I see your baseless accusations of pedophilia and raise with WND blames the dirty messicans.
Bitter Scribe said,
September 28, 2009 at 16:50
The idea that there’s this thing called “crime blogging” in which you get to bullshit like crazy…
Only if the object of your bullshit is safely dead and can’t sue.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
September 28, 2009 at 16:51
now I’ve read that he’s twittering that he was joking, as in, “jeez, can’t you people take a joke?”
Yeah, I saw this on his Twitter:
“Just like trained seals! Aarp! Aarp! RT @s_dog: Geez the Libs STILL all wee-wee’d up?”
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to speculate that he fucks seals. Also, he may be a pedophile, as he re-tweeted a post using the term “wee wee’d,” which, as we all know, is a childish term for genitalia. It would be irresponsible not to speculate.
N__B said,
September 28, 2009 at 16:54
“Just like trained seals! Aarp! Aarp! RT @s_dog: Geez the Libs STILL all wee-wee’d up?”
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to speculate that he fucks seals.
Given the bizarre reference to AARP, he must fuck elderly seals.
Mike said,
September 28, 2009 at 16:54
It’s a contest, right? Something they’ve cooked up to amuse themselves when they’re in line for their wingnut welfare cheques – see who can be the most obnoxious cunt for longest.
MzNicky said,
September 28, 2009 at 16:57
I think I will now hose out my computer and then set it on fire just to make sure no more viral toxins can infect my brain. Or my heart. Which I still have. Dan Riehl cannot have them. He will still have to make do with the machines that currently serve those functions for him. This vile vile shit makes me want to leave the Internets forever.
actor212 said,
September 28, 2009 at 17:04
“Just like trained seals! Aarp! Aarp! RT @s_dog: Geez the Libs STILL all wee-wee’d up?”
By the way, it’s “Orp! Orp!” not “Aarp! Aarp!,” Dan-O, since I know you lurk these threads.
meg said,
September 28, 2009 at 17:06
When will I learn to trust the shorter? When?!?
Jesus.
Till said,
September 28, 2009 at 17:08
see who can be the most obnoxious cunt for longest.
Ann Coulter’s probably still winning that contest, but she’s one of the few who knows she’s playing.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
September 28, 2009 at 17:09
Given the bizarre reference to AARP, he must fuck elderly seals.
Seals that support Obamacare !
Vile pervert.
Scott said,
September 28, 2009 at 17:10
So wait, wait, Dan Riehl has raped how many children?! Shouldn’t someone be warning his neighbors? Where’s this pervert live?
TruculentandUnreliable said,
September 28, 2009 at 17:10
Given the bizarre reference to AARP, he must fuck elderly seals.
Seals that support Obamacare!
Vile pervert.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
September 28, 2009 at 17:12
Uh, third time?
Given the bizarre reference to AARP, he must fuck elderly seals.
Elderly seals that support Obamacare!
Vile pervert.
Willy said,
September 28, 2009 at 17:16
Where’s this pervert live?
Where all internet trolls live: In his momma’s basement with empty Cheetos bags and Monster cans all around.
Scott said,
September 28, 2009 at 17:20
Henceforth, let him be referred to as “acknowledged pan-species buggery enthusiast Dan Riehl.”
Oh, it’s just a joke, Dan! We’re just telling jokes! About the fact that you rape children and barnyard animals. Oh, such a panic. From your justifiably alarmed neighbors.
actor212 said,
September 28, 2009 at 17:22
You forgot the “Aarp! Aarp!”, Scott.
Oblio's Cap said,
September 28, 2009 at 17:25
Is it true that Dan Riehl loves to diddle female dogs while blowing goats?
Update: Before any more people start going bonkers that I’m accusing Riehl of anything, take a breath. … . …All I’m doing is looking at any and all possibilities.
Ted the Slacker said,
September 28, 2009 at 17:25
Given Dan’s proud fixation with murders and dead people, we must ask, is he a necrophile?
Wake up, sheeple.
Mike said,
September 28, 2009 at 17:25
Till:
Not so much lately; she’s been suspiciously quiet. Perhaps she got constipated while trying to produce her next book.
Peggy Newnan said,
September 28, 2009 at 17:26
Dan Riehl: “Why strip him naked and bind and gag him, which has serious sexual overtones?”
That boy Riehl needs to get laid. Without the rope, dildo and two wetsuits.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
September 28, 2009 at 17:27
More Dan on barnyard animals action. Plus, in a post where he’s pointing out how mean and ridiculous the lie-beral tweetstorm is calling him a sex predator and what not, he introduces it as:
mmy said,
September 28, 2009 at 17:29
Jesus fucking christ. You really do have to always trust the shorter, because reading the original will just angry up the blood.
Hey, Danny: you know that website which satirically accuses Glenn Beck of having raped and and murdered a woman based upon no evidence? You’re doing the same goddamn thing that website was created to satirize.
Scott said,
September 28, 2009 at 17:32
actor, I would never joke about seal buggery. That’s a very serious issue, and Dan Riehl’s tendency to force himself on unwilling seals is not something to take lightly. The fact that Dan Riehl brings himself to sexual release by repeatedly plunging is reputedly minimal penis into the nether orifices of helpless seals is not something to laugh about. It is something to send to his potential employers so they can make sure they ask him about it in job interviews.
Ha ha! Only kidding, Dan! :) See the smiley!
I hear Dan Riehl’s face got that way when a walrus rolled over on him in the night.
handy said,
September 28, 2009 at 17:34
I hear Dan Riehl’s face got that way when a walrus rolled over on him in the night.
There’s a Beatles joke there just waiting to happen.
Ted the Slacker said,
September 28, 2009 at 17:37
I hear Dan Riehl’s face got that way when a walrus rolled over on him in the night.
Come on now, that’s no way to talk about K-Lo.
sfHeath said,
September 28, 2009 at 17:43
Laurel County Times, March 2008:
Dan Riehl owes Bill Sparkman’s surviving family, his mother and his son, a serious apology. Really.
Nom de Plume said,
September 28, 2009 at 17:56
Riehl:
From random commenter dude sfHeath just above me, who probably spent 3 seconds Googling:
“So far as I am aware”. Even Jonah Goldberg would scorn this level of sloth. What a lazy fucking cunt.
The Goddamn Batman Cannot Verify Or That Thing That's The Opposite Of Verify As To Whether Riehl Dug Up Sparkman's Corpse And Violate It, Which Would Actually Not Be As Bad As What He Did In Print said,
September 28, 2009 at 17:59
Serious sexual overtones are where you find them, Danny boy, and gosh didn’t you just ever. Have you stopped getting erections whenever you see a crucifix, Danny, or is it still a problem?
Larisa Alexandrovna said,
September 28, 2009 at 18:02
This is one of the funniest things I have read in a while. Thanks for posting:)
LA
Newbie McNoob said,
September 28, 2009 at 18:03
Even Jonah Goldberg would scorn this level of sloth.
Objection! Assumes facts not in evidence.
uberuber said,
September 28, 2009 at 18:05
Is it a problem that I am seeing a vision of Riehl + wood chipper=wingnut smoothie?
Stephen said,
September 28, 2009 at 18:07
Why strip him naked and bind and gag him, which has serious sexual overtones?
It would if he were, y’know, alive.
alec said,
September 28, 2009 at 18:11
“Jesus, you liberals never let up. The first lynching we have in a decade and you have to ruin it by pretending this guy is a human being. Bad enough he ain’t a lusty colored.”
Garage mechanic and penguin joke said,
September 28, 2009 at 18:13
“Looks like you blew a seal.”
“No, I just had tapioca for lunch.”
Ted the Slacker said,
September 28, 2009 at 18:21
Fuck me. Larisa is one of the most righteous people on the intertubz. Very cool that she lurks here as well.
kingubu said,
September 28, 2009 at 18:23
Jesus H. Christ on a toasted onion bagel. Some days I wonder if their whole goal isn’t to make the rest of humanity give up on democracy.
Here’s a tip, guys, when the rest of the country recoils in horror and yells at you for being despicable amoral shitbags its not because you’re a brave little truth-teller sticking it to the stifling forces of political correctness, its because you are acting like despicable amoral shitbags who deserve to be yelled at.
Nom de Plume said,
September 28, 2009 at 18:24
Okay, so Jonah would’ve said “I haven’t got time to look into this right now, so perhaps my readers can do the research for me”. Riehl failed to even meet this low bar.
alec said,
September 28, 2009 at 18:27
In other news, the weaselly Lenin-looking little fucker behind the original Armey/Freedomworks astroturf job that inadvertently turned into the tea-bagger flare-up thinks he’s got another brilliant idea. Previous brilliant ideas of his: the world-renowned Sam Adams Awards, a blog site that offers roughly the same service as Blogspot in exchange for paying for it, hosting ads from it, and being filtered by its administration; and that code they use to solicit sex in airport bathrooms.
PeeJ said,
September 28, 2009 at 18:27
I am ever reminded of François de la Rochefoucauld’s comment,
Those who are incapable of committing great crimes do not readily suspect them in others. The corollary is that those who think of great crimes are most capable of performing them.
So, Dan Riehl writes copious prefatory material indicating that there is absolutely nothing in reality to support what he’s about to say. His intent was likely to insulate himself from his imminent abominable accusation but what we read is, “Hey, I just had an idea, right out of the blue.”
Dan Riehl, an unmarried middle age man with no children, subconsciously goes out of his way to tell us IT’S ALL IN HIS HEAD! Know what I mean? One wonders if he got a stiffie while writng that post.
R. Porrofatto said,
September 28, 2009 at 18:32
Riehl was, is now, and forever shall be the lowest of slugs. I just want to heap praise for the excellent Photoshop job! Heap. Heap.
SomeNYGuy said,
September 28, 2009 at 18:36
This is why, no matter how many times my cable provider offers it for free, I cannot bring myself to watch Dan in Riehl Life.
Wyatt Watts III said,
September 28, 2009 at 18:44
Or, to put it another way, we should apply that old childhood truism about anonymous farts that “the first smeller is the feller.”
Dan Riehl is the first smeller, so therefore…
Scott said,
September 28, 2009 at 18:48
Haven’t seen many trolls around for this one. Maybe there are limits to what even they will defend?
N__B said,
September 28, 2009 at 18:50
Haven’t seen many trolls around for this one.
They’re all busy fapping to Riehl’s imagery.
Maybe there are limits to what even they will defend?
HA!
Nights in Black Satin said,
September 28, 2009 at 18:52
This may seem like a mild response on my part: Mr. Riehl should be fired TODAY from his newspaper columns. Whatever Blogsite company runs his depraved ruminations should BAN him.
Michael G. said,
September 28, 2009 at 18:52
Stephen Spruiell, look to your mentor.
The victim is now not just lazy, but is now a pederast. That’s how you blame the victim, Steve.
I think the contest idea is the best way to explain this little incident.
Newbie McNoob said,
September 28, 2009 at 18:59
Haven’t seen many trolls around for this one. Maybe there are limits to what even they will defend?
Trolls never defend because they never stay on topic* They create their own silly-ass discussion point and then say “Address my post, libs” or some variation of that phrase.
*Sadly Naughts stray from the topic as well, but that’s usually after 75 or so comments.
jim said,
September 28, 2009 at 19:05
YOW!
He really is several fries shy of a Happy Meal, isn’t he?
Hey, kids! I just thought of a good one!
You’d better be sitting down – it’s a real thigh-slapper!
Wouldn’t it be wacky if some folks with the time & motivation to spare were to just keep right on calling Riehl out on the total ethical void represented by this repulsive mound of cholera-infected maggots masquerading as a post, no matter how many times he painstakingly deletes every single comment, until he has to give up & scrub the thing outright … then (this is the ZOMG L0LZ3RZ part!) proceed to relentlessly spam every other post he EVER makes with the entire contents of the aforementioned maggot-pile he thought he’d covered his slimy ass by deleting, over & over & over again, so that every new reader he ever acquires from this point on knows just what a putrescent fleck of human snot he really is – & thus making it crystal-clear (yes, even to a microcephalic inbreed like him) that the Interwebs are indeed Serious Fucking Business?
Not that I’d actually recommend that anybody out there really DO something that cruel & degrading to such a swell fellow or anything … after all, I’m just making with the funny here, y’know!
Newbie McNoob said,
September 28, 2009 at 19:06
This may seem like a mild response on my part: Mr. Riehl should be fired TODAY from his newspaper columns. Whatever Blogsite company runs his depraved ruminations should BAN him.
Consequences for wingnut words and actions? What are you, some sort of America-hater?
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
September 28, 2009 at 19:11
Sadly Naughts stray from the topic as well, but that’s usually after 75 or so comments.
12 until PENIS.
N__B said,
September 28, 2009 at 19:16
12 until PENIS.
It’s going on half-past PENIS now.
Ted the Slacker said,
September 28, 2009 at 19:16
OT*, Atrios make lolz:
you know who else wanted to have the olympics in his country? Hitler.
*On Twitter
Newbie McNoob said,
September 28, 2009 at 19:19
12 until PENIS
A quarter past POOP?
Marco said,
September 28, 2009 at 19:21
Right, Dan. FED scrawled on his chest was short for “FEDOPHILE” because obviously the Charles Bronson-like wingnut wouldn’t know how to spell.
Fucking ass-hammer.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
September 28, 2009 at 19:21
Can’t wait.
This one’s an oldie, but it’s friggin’ HAWT. I’m talkin’ a fire down under if ya know what I mean.
PENIS.
actor212 said,
September 28, 2009 at 19:46
I hear Dan Riehl’s face got that way when a walrus rolled over on him in the night.
There’s a Beatles joke there just waiting to happen.
Coo coo, HACHOO!
actor212 said,
September 28, 2009 at 19:47
THAT’S Larisa?
Damn. Why did I decline her “friending” at Facebook????
TruculentandUnreliable said,
September 28, 2009 at 19:48
Okay, yeah, sorry about the triple-post. Wonky shit happened.
actor212 said,
September 28, 2009 at 19:49
Is it true that Dan Riehl loves to diddle female dogs while blowing goats?
No, he can’t blow goats because that would involve Mickey Kaus, and we all know Kaus gets very jealous of his cabras….
Now, if you told me he blew walruses, then I could believe it.
kc said,
September 28, 2009 at 19:52
That boy Riehl needs to get laid. Without the rope, dildo and two wetsuits.
Yeah, but who would touch him if not for the two-wetsuit level of protection?
Newbie McNoob said,
September 28, 2009 at 19:58
Yeah, but who would touch him if not for the two-wetsuit level of protection?
Who would touch him with two-wetsuits?
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
September 28, 2009 at 19:59
h/t James Gordon.
Five Penis Wine © James Gordon 2000
Look, I don’t make this stuff up, OK? There is apparently a kind of wine in China made from the penises of five different animals. That seemed pretty songworthy to me!
You’ve got that special lady, oh-
Sinatra’s on the radio-
the moon is bright,
the mood’s just right,
the stars are all aligned..
Romance is in the air,
Perfume is in her hair,
You think it might
be your lucky night
but what about the wine?
Merlot has quite a fine bouquet,
Likewise Bordeaux and cabernet,
Rose goes well with candlelight-
But nothing says Amore like…
Five Penis Wine,
Five Penis Wine,
There’s nothing finer,
It comes all the way from China,
It’s the fruit of a different vine,
Nothing says love quite like Five Penis Wine.
Fermented genitalia,
Will cure whatever ails ya..
don’t hesitate,
Impress your date,
With something from your cellar,
that’s made from dog and sheep and snake,
and ox and horse, make sure she takes
a good long sip,
and soon her lips
will make you a happy feller…
actor212 said,
September 28, 2009 at 20:13
Fermented genitalia,
Will cure whatever ails ya..
This is why I always keep a bottle of champagne on the nightstand.
alec said,
September 28, 2009 at 20:15
Safire died; as a geture of respect in recognition of his ability to behave like a human being rather than a Republican operative (at the hour of the Party’s greatest triumph and in the heat of the Vietnam kulturkampf, no less), I present his In Event Of Moon Disaster, which was prepared in the very real possibility that a lander mishap stranded Apollo 11 on the lunar surface.
That there is no chiding of Nixon’s many enemies for failing to support our cosmonauts / appeasement towards the Moon / etc suggests that he was one of the last of a dying breed.
Bill Grogan said,
September 28, 2009 at 20:18
No, he can’t blow goats because that would involve Mickey Kaus, and we all know Kaus gets very jealous of his cabras….
Jesus, and all you fuckers keep saying I was mean to my goat.
No-Visible-Means said,
September 28, 2009 at 20:26
Ah, you forget how they worked in those days. The “failing to support” speech would have been delivered by Agnew.
Johnny Pez said,
September 28, 2009 at 20:32
I guess Dan-O was feeling the heat.
Dayv said,
September 28, 2009 at 20:35
I think it’s time to google bomb child predator Dan Riehl.
Citizen_X said,
September 28, 2009 at 20:44
Ooh! Ooh! Time for a troll response pool! I put five dollars on “Oh yeah? At least he’s not running a CHILD PROSTITUTION RING like ACORN!”
Mike said,
September 28, 2009 at 20:44
A very well-endowed man? Or am I misunderstanding the phrase “Wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole”?
gocart mozart said,
September 28, 2009 at 20:45
Many blogs, not just this one, have been raising serious questions today about the many allegations regarding Dan Riehl’s fondness for carnal relations with various species of farm animals. Why has Dan Riehl not responded? What does he have to hide? He can easily clear this matter up with a simple press release denying these numerous allegations. What gives Dan?
DrDick said,
September 28, 2009 at 20:49
The idea that there’s this thing called “crime blogging”
I think he meant “criminal blogging”, as in this case where he clearly commits the crime of libel.
gocart mozart said,
September 28, 2009 at 20:53
I wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot Pole or even an 11 foot Belgian.
Hercule Poirot said,
September 28, 2009 at 20:54
Mon Dieu! Utilizing my little grey cells, I have deduced that not only is Dan Riehl a child predator, but that he also murdered Bill Sparkman!
Sherlock Holmes said,
September 28, 2009 at 20:56
Elementary, my dear Watson, the fact that the dog wasn’t barking reveals that Dan Riehl is a contemptible piece of shit.
gocart mozart said,
September 28, 2009 at 20:57
“Crime blogging” is when you steal your Cheetos from the 7/11 before sitting down to type.
pseudonymous in nc said,
September 28, 2009 at 20:58
I really really hope that Sparkman’s next of kin sue the fucker.
actor212 said,
September 28, 2009 at 20:59
Why has Dan Riehl not responded? What does he have to hide? He can easily clear this matter up with a simple press release denying these numerous allegations.
I, for one, won’t be satisfied until I see his long form rap sheet.
Wyatt Watts III said,
September 28, 2009 at 21:05
Underage farm animals, that is. There’s an old joke:
Q: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
A: Doesn’t matter: Dan Riehl will try and f*ck either one of ‘em.
Sam Spade said,
September 28, 2009 at 21:07
You killed Sparkman and you’re going over for it.
DrDick said,
September 28, 2009 at 21:11
I, for one, won’t be satisfied until I see his long form rap sheet.
Vault copy only, please.
Miss Marple said,
September 28, 2009 at 21:13
Heavens! Not only does Dan Riehl molest barnyard animals and schoolchildren, I once asked him for tea and he even tried to molest me; and I’m a 95 year old British woman!
gocart mozart said,
September 28, 2009 at 21:13
Underage Goats! Are you saying that he rapes kids?
Wyatt Watts III said,
September 28, 2009 at 21:16
Are you saying that he rapes kids?
And chicks.
actor212 said,
September 28, 2009 at 21:17
Are you saying that he rapes kids?
And chicks.
It would be irresponsible not to speculate.
Piglet said,
September 28, 2009 at 21:19
I really thought Pooh was supposed to be here by now, Mr. Reihl. You did invite him didn’t you? Jesus juice? Why thank you, I am a bit thirsty, I…. oh. I’m suddenly feeling quite sleepy.
Anonymous said,
September 28, 2009 at 21:20
Given Dan’s proud fixation with murders and dead people, we must ask, is he a necrophile?
Gives new meaning to “going out for a cold one”.
Fermented genitalia,
Will cure whatever ails ya..
This is why I always keep a bottle of champagne on the nightstand.
I find the response just as hilarious as the original posting, but then again, I am a geek.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
September 28, 2009 at 21:20
Malkin SMASH puny lie-berals!
George Tiller: shot by anti-government anti-abortion right-wing militant psychotic Scott Roeder.
Holocaust Museum shooting: carried out by James von Brunn, an anti-government right-wing militant psychotic.
Binghamton: target of Jiverly Voong, described as “as an angry loner who loved guns, hated America and talked about assassinating the President” or possibly as an anti-government right-wing militant psychotic.
What’s your point here Michele?
Dur. 1) Police have their heads up their asses. (note to D-KW, remember to blogwhore here). Surely even you Malkin of the Deranged Outbursts believe that this is anything other than murder.
2) He wasn’t hanging from the tree.
3) That’s too light, I’m pretty sure it’s conclusive that Sparkman was NOT doing census work at time of death: “And how many childr—urk-grrrarfgllghhhh….” (note to D-KW, remember to think twice about the tasteless joke, it might still be too soon). Although Michelle, you gotta admit that the ID badge duct taped to his neck might be indicative of something.
Sure, that’s a great response. All you’re doing is rattling the rubes with red meat and hate, playing upon their delusional sense of victimization by the scary gubmint. Everytime one of these rubes goes off, the best response to play up your victim status – and point at lefties as the perpetrators. Thanks, Michele – makes us feel loads better.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
September 28, 2009 at 21:26
The criminalization of conservatism continues.
Ya know, I’ve always wondered why these asshats are so butthurt if we say, “Hey, McVeigh was a right-winger”? If you don’t believe what he believed and don’t plan on carrying out any violent acts, why do you give a fuck, and why do you whine on and on about being victims? The fact that they automatically identify with these people says far, far more than anything liberals/dems might say about their beliefs.
owlbear1 said,
September 28, 2009 at 21:27
“Just like trained seals! Aarp! Aarp! RT @s_dog: Geez the Libs STILL all wee-wee’d up?”
Rather a barking seal than the chum, you sad little toad.
Piglet said,
September 28, 2009 at 21:33
Meet Michelle Malkin, an annoying asswipe alliterating.
Pooh said,
September 28, 2009 at 21:33
Piglet, goddammit, watch your language!
Eyore said,
September 28, 2009 at 21:42
Dan Riehl once played pin the tail on the donkey with me.
I don’t think it was a pin…
owlbear1 said,
September 28, 2009 at 21:44
The
criminalizationstump-fucking ignorance of conservatism continues.Well, that’s what I read.
Donkey from Shrek said,
September 28, 2009 at 21:48
Me too Eyore, me too. Was the pin short and stubby like a roll of lifesavers?
Eyore said,
September 28, 2009 at 21:54
I was trying hard not to notice. Why he came to the Three Acre Wood I do not know.
Did you get a reach around too?
Wyatt Watts III said,
September 28, 2009 at 21:59
Just in case there’s any confusion, when Malkin says “bodies were still warm,” she’s referring to murder victims, not herself, as the latter is a biological impossibility.
Kanga sans Roo said,
September 28, 2009 at 22:00
Has anyone seen Roo?
Paula the Mule said,
September 28, 2009 at 22:00
Quel bastardo Riehl!!
actor212 said,
September 28, 2009 at 22:00
If you don’t believe what he believed and don’t plan on carrying out any violent acts, why do you give a fuck, and why do you whine on and on about being victims?
Which also explains why they were so hot to tie Bill Ayers to Obama during the campaign. They figured it would bother us that some former domestic radical was a friend of Obama’s.
actor212 said,
September 28, 2009 at 22:01
when Malkin says “bodies were still warm,” she’s referring to murder victims, not herself, as the latter is a biological impossibility.
It’s a fangless life, being an ineffectual vampire.
eidos said,
September 28, 2009 at 22:02
Yet again, when it comes to the conservative mind, it’s all about the projection.
H. Rumbold, Master Barber said,
September 28, 2009 at 22:08
Inspector McCain is on the case, Thunder Roading the Revenooers in his KIA, Abby Hoffmanning breakfast buffets from hotels he’s not staying at and begging for that sweet sweet wingnut welfare wherever there’s WiFi. It’ll be a Damn Yankee- just you wait.
owlbear1 said,
September 28, 2009 at 22:10
I think the fact that Malkin and Riehl aren’t screaming for random Clay County, KY residents to be tortured for this act of Terrorism speaks volumes about where their loyalties lie.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
September 28, 2009 at 22:38
Yet again, when it comes to the conservative mind, it’s all about the projection.
Maybe the FBI should check out Riehl’s hard drive.
actor212 said,
September 28, 2009 at 22:39
Maybe the FBI should check out Riehl’s hard drive.
It’s more like a floppy drive.
The Tragically Flip said,
September 28, 2009 at 22:40
This portrait/asshole series is just fantastic. I’d like to nominate the wingnuts for an internet comedy award of some kind for providing such excellent material.
actor212 said,
September 28, 2009 at 22:43
I’d like to nominate the wingnuts for an internet comedy award of some kind for providing such excellent material.
Maybe the Sadlynaughts could create a “Roger Craig Award” for the most ineffectual right-wing blog.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
September 28, 2009 at 22:50
How about a deck of playing cards, similar to that given out on the onset of Operation Iraqi Liberation?
We all know who the Ace of Hearts (molded out of bacon and Play-Doh) would be.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
September 28, 2009 at 22:51
Uh, I meant “at the onset”.
My grammar lapse is my tribute to the late William Safire.
kingubu said,
September 28, 2009 at 22:56
Aaaaand via TAPPED we have this little gem:
Advocate torture? You’re a rising star!
PeeJ said,
September 28, 2009 at 22:57
Ummm….umm……ummmm. I have nothing to say except VEILED PENIS (I’d say NSFW but I have no idea what’s actually SFW and NSFW so proceed at your own risk. Also, it aint just violation of workplace rules that you risk by clicking)
actor212 said,
September 28, 2009 at 22:59
Peej, those are basically long balloons!
TruculentandUnreliable said,
September 28, 2009 at 23:05
AAAAAAAAAAAARG, why did I click through???
That’s something that I can never erase. I’ll have forgotten how to use the toilet and my own name long, long before I’ll forget that.
actor212 said,
September 28, 2009 at 23:08
Always. Trust. The. PENIS!™
The Tragically Flip said,
September 28, 2009 at 23:09
Increasingly I think fascism is actually a kind of lobster trap or chinese finger puzzle – any attempt to pull back from the brink only makes things worse, the only way out is through the other side, eg. after a few death squads roam and a pogrom here and there quenches the bloodlust.
As neither of the things I mentioned have an “other side” speaks to my craptacular metaphors but when I see the GOP moving into affirmatively cheering for torture, I don’t know what else to think. Sara Robinson was right.
kingubu said,
September 28, 2009 at 23:11
Wait, why would the pictures of that sundial be NSFW?
TruculentandUnreliable said,
September 28, 2009 at 23:13
Always. Trust. The. PENIS!™
There is some sort of STD joke here, but right now, I am too horrified. Every time I close my eyes, a fat man’s neon boner comes floating into my vision.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
September 28, 2009 at 23:15
Sara Robinson was right.
Sara Robinson was keeping me awake at night until I read The Long Emergency.
I actually don’t think she’s right in that she thinks we can stop it at this point–I think it’s too late.
actor212 said,
September 28, 2009 at 23:17
Every time I close my eyes, a fat man’s neon boner comes floating into my vision.
Oops. Left my webcam on…
PeeJ said,
September 28, 2009 at 23:23
Every time I close my eyes, a fat man’s neon boner comes floating into my vision.
Oops. Left my webcam on…
I am SO glad I hit reload twice. My intended response to the first comment would have been very, well, embarrassing if it had appeared immediately after the second. Damn you actor, damn you to hell.
kingubu said,
September 28, 2009 at 23:30
a fat man’s neon boner comes floating into my vision.
I say run with it. Burroughs made a pretty penny off of Naked Lunch.
Smut Clyde said,
September 28, 2009 at 23:34
Peej, those are basically long balloons!
Perhaps he is available for children’s parties.
PeeJ said,
September 28, 2009 at 23:36
I. can’t. help. myself. PENIS.
Michael G. said,
September 28, 2009 at 23:37
I actually don’t think she’s right in that she thinks we can stop it at this point–I think it’s too late.
There are all those comparisons floating out there comparing the current political situation to the Wiemar republic. Problems are mounting, but the government is too corrupt to solve them. The main active group outside the government banging for change is the goalless teabag movement. They have money and organization. And they’re ideologically flexible. If there’s an authoritarian break, they’ll benefit. The left seems too divided and Sensible to present opposition.
Okay, now I’m depressed. I just wanted to lead a normal life, achieve some modest things for myself, give a little back to the society that gave so much to me. But I wonder now if that quiet future will happen.
Then again, maybe it needs to get much, much worse before the wheels come off. It seems wimpy to complain now. It’s not like people are starving in the streets and there’s hyperinflation.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
September 28, 2009 at 23:37
Perhaps he is available for children’s parties.
Hosted by Dan Riehl?
Substance McGravitas said,
September 28, 2009 at 23:38
Really though, there’s a medal in the Whack-Off Olympics for success with Naked Lunch.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
September 28, 2009 at 23:43
Then again, maybe it needs to get much, much worse before the wheels come off. It seems wimpy to complain now. It’s not like people are starving in the streets and there’s hyperinflation.
I know, but it’s still pretty bad right now. I think part of the reason why it’s so insidious is that we expect it to come in one big wave, but it’s really just coming in small chunks. Sure, the financial meltdown was a big fucking deal, but the economy was technically in the shitter before then and the rightwing had already established a pretty large foothold in our public discourse (obviously, given the fact that people seem to think that torture is a-okay).
That’s not to say that I think that things won’t get worse, or that they won’t get better, but I do think that people need to realize that things are going to change drastically in the next 10 years or so and we need to be ready for it. The question is if we’re going to facilitate that change for something better, or if we’re going to let it just happen, which most likely means that it will be for something worse.
In the meantime, I am just going to keep my head down and do what I can do, as well. Also, take whatever I say with a grain of salt, as I have been afraid of the end of America and/or the end of the world since I was a small child, so I could be overreacting.
TruculentandUnreliable said,
September 28, 2009 at 23:44
I say run with it. Burroughs made a pretty penny off of Naked Lunch.
I was just trying to think of something more disturbing than those photos! Thanks!
Gus said,
September 28, 2009 at 23:48
I can’t hear Riehl’s name mentioned without immediately thinking of John Cole’s characterization of him as an “unmitigated asshole.”
mingo said,
September 28, 2009 at 23:55
It’s not like people are starving in the streets and there’s hyperinflation.
eh, give it a few years…
sfHeath said,
September 28, 2009 at 23:56
@ nom de plume:
actually, yes, it took about three seconds to google the link I had to look up. The information, however, I recalled with a little thing I like to call “memory” that I’d like to sell to Mr. Riehl since the victim was referred to as a single father in EVERY F***ING STORY I saw about this. Maddow, Huffpo, the AP for fsm sake. “As far as I am aware” my ass.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
September 28, 2009 at 23:56
any attempt to pull back from the brink only makes things worse, the only way out is through the other side, eg. after a few death squads roam and a pogrom here and there quenches the bloodlust.
The best thing for the country would be an intramural bloodbath between right-wing groups, a People’s Front of Judea/Judean People’s Front situation. Is there any way we can build upon the existing Malkin/Riehl animus and set their attack poodles at each other’s throats?
Another possibility is that the wingnuts avoid census takers to the extent that their representation in the house shrinks, and they end up not receiving any federal funds. Of course, having armed, ignorant wingnutstans in the middle of the country is far from ideal (insert ominous ellipses).
Burroughs made a pretty penny off of Naked Lunch.
I imagine a lot of really pissed off adolescent boys accounted for much of the “take”.
Brandi said,
September 29, 2009 at 0:07
Hey, Danny: you know that website which satirically accuses Glenn Beck of having raped and and murdered a woman based upon no evidence? You’re doing the same goddamn thing that website was created to satirize.
IOKIYR. Also.
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
September 29, 2009 at 0:07
Mr. riehl looks alarmingly like the skoal bandit, while he’s integrating a new ‘dip’ into his face….
Smut Clyde said,
September 29, 2009 at 0:12
When one’s goal is to defend conservative rhetoric from the charge that it incites violence (and to deflect attention onto shroud-waving on the part of the evil Them), then the case might be stronger if one did not actually adduce so many examples. It is a paradox.
Smut Clyde said,
September 29, 2009 at 0:26
I. can’t. help. myself. PENIS.
A friend of mine would dearly like to know what search terms PeeJ is using for his image searches.
Bitter Scribe said,
September 29, 2009 at 0:32
Yeah, and isn’t it amazing how many of those opportunities there are?
Smut Clyde said,
September 29, 2009 at 0:49
To be fair, it’s a time-honoured tactic. People have been arguing that “My opponent’s attempt to make political capital from my fuck-up is more important and more deserving of obloquy than the fuck-up itself”, ever since the Trojans accused Cassandra of “Praying for the failure of our Dragging-wooden-horses-inside-the-city-gates policy”. But when you precede the argument by drawing attention to your fuck-ups by listing them at length, you’re doing it wrong.
It’s like the stage in the serial-killer movie genre where the part of the perp’s mind that wants to be caught starts leaving more clues at each successive crime scene.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
September 29, 2009 at 0:58
A few threads ago, I linked to a Glenn Beck video posted on Crooks and Liars in which Fox’ answer to “La Llorona” insisted that, far from being a right-winger egged on by irresponsible rhetoric, Tim McVeigh was a kook. Of course, this was before the murder of Mr Sparkman.
Even if these murderers were all kooks, rather than right-wing eliminationists, it does not reflect well on the GOP that their entire political base is a hotbed of kookery.
alec said,
September 29, 2009 at 1:02
Well, to be fair, Glenn Beck is a powerless little millionaire with nothing to his name but his own lawyer and a heavily-promoted major-network public forum, and Sparkman was a substitute teacher who left behind a young family: in addition to his high rank in the Census Jihad he was a prince of the Permanent Elementary School Revolution and a future posthumous welfare-pimp (making him technically Obama’s boss when he’s not busy doing the Weather Super-Underground’s bidding).
So obviously this is another case of hateful liberal bias against helpless conservatives.
And it seems childish, but given the well-known principle of wingnut projection I share everyone else’s skeeved-outness here. “All that’s keeping that Sparkman fella from molesting another child is that stuck-up bitch turning his seed down at the bar. How do you like being too good to have Dan – uh, Sparkman’s baby now, power-dyke??”
SomeNYGuy said,
September 29, 2009 at 1:05
power-dyke
What do you have against the Hoover Dam?
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
September 29, 2009 at 1:13
What do you have against the Hoover Dam?
It was a socialist project, and its completion robbed the fossil fuel industry of no small dollar amount of profits.
WOLVERINES!BEAVERS!!!Smut Clyde said,
September 29, 2009 at 1:16
What do you have against the Hoover Dam?
My PENIS, if you must know. No-one said that inventing a new perversion would be easy.
PeeJ said,
September 29, 2009 at 1:16
Speaking of William S. Burroughs, and Naked Lunch.
Smut Clyde said,
September 29, 2009 at 1:23
to solve (single-handedly, I might add) the Natalee Holloway case
I see what you do there.
Captain Joe said,
September 29, 2009 at 1:27
Sparkman was a Jew from Florida, a homosexual who was only interested in ME, ME, ME. A craigslist post on 9-08-09 proves this. It’s been two weeks since the body was discovered, yet the authorities haven’t ruled it a murder, accident or suicide. They know, they just don’t have the balls to reveal the truth. Obambi wants to play with this awhile to hush Rush.
SomeNYGuy said,
September 29, 2009 at 1:35
Is “Captain” your official rank in the Aryan Nations or the He-Man Woman-Hater’s Club?
g said,
September 29, 2009 at 1:37
He was interested in Maine? Why did he move to Kentucky?
Matt T. said,
September 29, 2009 at 1:51
Sparkman was a Jew from Florida, a homosexual who was only interested in ME, ME, ME.
It’s not all about you, ya know. I bet he didn’t know you from Adam’s housecat.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
September 29, 2009 at 1:54
Sparkman was a Jew from Florida, a homosexual who was only interested in ME, ME, ME.
You should have felt flattered that he was that into you.
Xecky Gilchrist said,
September 29, 2009 at 2:13
eh, give it a few years…
Thanks – that exchange had gone on much too long without an Ominous Ellipsis.
kingubu said,
September 29, 2009 at 2:28
Speaking of William S. Burroughs, and Naked Lunch.
Huh, why was Uncle Bill shaking hands with Ann Coulter?
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
September 29, 2009 at 2:52
Captain Joe?
Is there a GAYER troll name?
And I say that with affection for our homosexual friends….
Looch said,
September 29, 2009 at 3:36
Captain Joe (Village People member, right?) posted this comment Dan’s fine blog.
“Half of the boy scout leaders I have known were queer fellows. I think this guy committed suicide. This guy had to have undressed himself in the back of his pickup and walked to the tree, where he put the rope around his neck, gagged himself, taped his eyes and neck, his feet, wrote fed on his chest, and taped his hands together (in front), and promptly died.”
Sure. Sure he did.
tigrismus said,
September 29, 2009 at 4:14
Motives had yet to be determined and bodies were still warm, but that did not stop the stampede from exploiting every bloody opportunity to redefine conservative political expression as an incitement to violence.
She is more full of shit than a ass-corked cow. This first I heard about this case was the righties talking about how those horrible lefties were jumping to conclusions blah blah blah; they were preemptively griping before anyone on the left said anything. And holy crap, as if she hasn’t made a career of jumping to conclusions about political motives any time it would allow her to paint her opponents as “unhinged”. But whatever, she’s as much a waste of skin as Riehl.
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
September 29, 2009 at 4:14
“…poisoned himself, shot himself, and then stabbed himself eighteen times in the back.”
McJohn said,
September 29, 2009 at 4:18
My wife, when informed of whatever Mr. Riehl’s screed was in place of a reasoned commentary, remarked, “Well, this certainly gives the concept of nadir a new depth.”
Smut, baby, don’t waste it all on the Hoover Dam. There are so many highly entertained readers here who would willingly bear you children.
Bitter Scribe said,
September 29, 2009 at 4:24
“Eet ees muy tragico! Our beloved President Allende has shot himself 25 times in the back with a machine gun, pausing once to reload.”
—National Lampoon
J Neo Marvin said,
September 29, 2009 at 4:49
There are so many low points being hit these days I keep waiting for someone like Glenn Beck to suddenly emerge in China.
Now, now, this is one area where China will never overtake us. USA! USA!
MzNicky said,
September 29, 2009 at 5:11
Huh. I thought Captain Bob was being sarcastic.
I just can’t tell anymore.
cokane said,
September 29, 2009 at 9:33
Dan is likely the dumbest person in Wingnutsville. Even the crazies and hard stupids over there can’t stand his stench.
Looch said,
September 29, 2009 at 14:33
Huh. I thought Captain Bob was being sarcastic.
I just can’t tell anymore.
I wasn’t sure either. That’s why I took a look. Unless Captain Joe is really good at parody, I’d have to say that he is the genuine article. That is, dumberest.
Joe said,
September 29, 2009 at 17:34
This just in: blogger Dan Riehl has called the Virginia Senate race for George Allen.
actor212 said,
September 29, 2009 at 19:58
This just in: blogger Dan Riehl has
called the Virginia Senate race for George Allenfucked another little boy.Fixed for responsibility, because it would be irresponsible not to speculate.
Chris Sweet said,
October 3, 2009 at 22:06
Is Dan Riehl a Child Predator?