Aug
25

This is central to my point




Posted at 19:31 by Sadly, No!

We had planned on calling this post stupid on a stick. Then we realized it would not, in fact, be possible to put this much stupid on any stick. If you tried, the stick in question would resist by grabbing an even bigger stick and beating you with it, until you became the human equivalent of Pancakes & Sausage on a Stick: Sweet blueberry (artificially flavored) [i.e. Phil Gramm]. Having said all that, here is Shorter Jonah Goldberg on the TV, discussing the “Your Life, Your Choices” booklet from the Department of Veterans Affairs:

The existence of a booklet produced in 1997 and used by the Bush administration is central to my point, which is that Obama wants death panels to be a part of his health care reform.

Added: Shorter means that this is not an actual quote, but an accurate summary of what Jonah said.

Bonus points to Fox’s Megyn Kelly for this amazing statement:

Shouldn’t the Obama administration just take this [booklet] down? Maybe they inherited it from the Bush administration… [Emphasis added]

Maybe?

Extra bonus points to Fox’s Chris Wallace for this:

Usually people don’t even contemplate end of life until they’re in an irreversible coma.

Mieux vaut tard que jamais.

146 Comments »

  1. chocolatepie said,

    August 25, 2009 at 19:34

    Usually people don’t even contemplate end of life until they’re in an irreversible coma.

    I think Chris Wallace is trying to rend the universe asunder with that mind-bogglingly stupid statement. I can feel my very neurons resisting with confused and infuriated rage.

  2. OneMadClown said,

    August 25, 2009 at 19:41

    Chris Wallace swoops in to make Doughbob look erudite by comparison.

  3. actor212 said,

    August 25, 2009 at 19:45

    Usually people don’t even contemplate end of life until they’re in an irreversible coma.

    Excuse me?

    I wish there was an emoticon to describe that weird cartoon moment when the confused character’s head shakes violently back and forth accompanied by the sound of “huwapapawapapawapapa”…

  4. SomeNYGuy said,

    August 25, 2009 at 19:45

    Chris Wallace knows of which he speaks, being in an irreversible coma already (albeit an uncharacteristically noisy one.)

  5. actor212 said,

    August 25, 2009 at 19:46

    OneMadClown said,

    August 25, 2009 at 19:41

    Chris Wallace swoops in to make Doughbob look erudite by comparison.

    AHA!

    So THAT’S how come Goldberrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg still has credibility among neaderthals!

  6. DAS said,

    August 25, 2009 at 19:46

    He actually said “central to my point”? After all the laughs that phrase has engendered thus far? It’s kind of like how I always say to my wife “that may be a good idea” even though she cannot stand the phrase and how she says to me “yeah sure” even though, due to my wife’s rather flat affect, I have no idea whether she means “yippie hurray!” or “whatever you say smart-ass”.

    Anyway, did Jonah Goldberg just admit that Obama’s use of Bush & CO materials is key evidence for Obama’s death panels? That is, did Jonah Goldberg pretty much say that death panels are something Bush would do such that Obama using Bush & CO materials indicates that Obama would have these panels as well?

  7. phleabo said,

    August 25, 2009 at 19:47

    I bet Mike Wallace regrets not pulling out sooner.

  8. Dr.BDH said,

    August 25, 2009 at 19:47

    Usually Fox News viewers don’t even contemplate life; they’re in an irreversible coma.

  9. OneMadClown said,

    August 25, 2009 at 19:52

    Paid secretly by Lucianne herslef, his lucre wired directly to discreet Cayman Island bank accounts. He is Chris Wallace…Jonah Goldberg’s own anthropomorphic “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt.

  10. Pere Ubu said,

    August 25, 2009 at 19:58

    Usually people don’t even contemplate end of life until they’re in an irreversible coma.

    EPIC FAIL

  11. Michael G. said,

    August 25, 2009 at 19:59

    Oh, Chris. Let’s be charitable and assume you meant that people don’t think about end-of-life care because when it’s clear they need to start, they’re in a coma. In that case, I think we can all agree that the situation would be easier if earlier the person had had a discussion with his family about his wishes. You know, drawn up some plans. I know, there are a lot of ins-and-outs, lots of scenarios to consider. Legal parts, tax parts, medical parts… it’s all pretty confusing.

    You can see how someone might WANT A BOOK TO GIVE THEM ADVICE BEFOREHAND.

  12. DrDick said,

    August 25, 2009 at 20:03

    Chris Wallace swoops in to make Doughbob look erudite by comparison.

    His daddy must be soooo proud.

  13. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    August 25, 2009 at 20:04

    What you all fail to understand is that we’re talking about a book. There’s a lot of power in them books-y stuff with teh words-alot and diagrammaticals. Obviously the fear is that this book, which was totally useful and beneficial and doubleplusgood during the Bush Administration, is now imbued with Obama-Anti-Christ VOODOO Magic because he’s black and will eat people.

  14. Substance McGravitas said,

    August 25, 2009 at 20:05

    It’s pretty obvious that some folks get quite some time to figure out issues of mortality.

  15. tigrismus said,

    August 25, 2009 at 20:05

    Usually people don’t even contemplate end of life until they’re in an irreversible coma.

    Could stupid be used as an alternative energy source?

  16. gocart mozart said,

    August 25, 2009 at 20:06

    Mike Wallace never should have let his wife smoke phermaldyhide during pregnancy.

  17. Stephen said,

    August 25, 2009 at 20:07

    Prediction: If wingnuts end up writing the history books decades from now, they’ll find a way to blame Obama for the Iraq War. And 9/11. Hell, probably Vietnam while they’re at it.

  18. Substance McGravitas said,

    August 25, 2009 at 20:08

    Could stupid be used as an alternative energy source?

    You say “walk over there Chris” and he’s on the treadmill until he dies.

  19. gocart mozart said,

    August 25, 2009 at 20:10

    Roger Ailes says “walk over there Chris” and he’s on the treadmill until he dies.

  20. mark f said,

    August 25, 2009 at 20:14

    Prediction: If wingnuts end up writing the history books decades from now, they’ll find a way to blame Obama for the Iraq War. And 9/11. Hell, probably Vietnam while they’re at it.

    Well, his Dreams From My Father ghostwriter did personally cause us to lose in Vietnam by opposing the war.

  21. Alkali Bill said,

    August 25, 2009 at 20:17

    This is a good example of the Fifth Law of Stupidity:

    A stupid person is the most dangerous type of person.

    Complete Basic Laws of Stupidity can be found here:

    http://wwwcsif.cs.ucdavis.edu/~leeey/stupidity/basic.htm

  22. Scott said,

    August 25, 2009 at 20:22

    If I was Mike Wallace, I’m not sure I’d be able to resist the urge to beat that boy to death with a 1979 Ford Granada.

  23. actor212 said,

    August 25, 2009 at 20:25

    If I was Mike Wallace, I’m not sure I’d be able to resist the urge to beat that boy to death with a 1979 Ford Granada.

    I’d use a steamroller, just to make sure he learned the lesson

  24. henry lewis said,

    August 25, 2009 at 20:28

    Hell, probably Vietnam while they’re at it.

    I find it amazing a one-year-old could direct an operation as complex as the Bay of Pigs – from Kenya, no less – but there it is.

  25. Scott said,

    August 25, 2009 at 20:30

    I wanna know why Obama shot down the U-2 spy plane. Was it just for the sake of evil? Or was it for the sake of EEEEEVIL?

  26. J— said,

    August 25, 2009 at 20:33

    Usually people don’t even contemplate end of life until they’re in an irreversible coma.

    What’s the big deal? If Terri Schiavo could blog, I don’t see why someone in an irreversible coma couldn’t contemplate end of life.

  27. g said,

    August 25, 2009 at 20:38

    Usually people don’t even contemplate end of life until they’re in an irreversible coma.

    I think this statement is evidence that Chris Wallace is in an irreversible coma, as we (he) speak.

  28. Gunner said,

    August 25, 2009 at 20:49

    “Maybe they inherited it from the Bush Administration”?? Do tell. I hear there’s tiny possibility that Bush maybe kinda had a small, insignificant role in the two wars and economic mess that we have right now.

  29. jimmiraybob said,

    August 25, 2009 at 20:50

    …they’ll find a way to blame Obama for the Iraq War. And 9/11. Hell, probably Vietnam while they’re at it.

    Especially, Vietnam.

    When everything else seems to fail to provide an answer to wingnut derangement, just remember that they are really, really, really pissed about having lost the 60s.

  30. J— said,

    August 25, 2009 at 20:51

    So goodbye, so long, the road calls me, dear
    And your tears cannot bind me anymore,
    And farewell to the girl with the sun in her eyes
    Can I kiss you, and then I’ll be gone

  31. Tommmcatt said,

    August 25, 2009 at 20:55

    I think this statement is evidence that Chris Wallace is in an irreversible coma, as we (he) speak..

    In Chris’ defense, I’d have to say that most decisions made by the MSM, particularly on what to cover and how stridently to cover it, are made as though the person making them had been in a coma at the time.

    He’s just going with what he knows, right?

  32. LittlePig said,

    August 25, 2009 at 20:57

    ust remember that they are really, really, really pissed about having lost the 60s.

    I suppose we could terraform Madagascar into 1950′s Leave It To Beaver America and ship them all over there in their sleep. Have animatronic Robert Young tell ‘em it was all a bad dream…

  33. LittlePig said,

    August 25, 2009 at 20:58

    And can I just note that “death panels” are starting to look like a really, really good idea.

  34. Parrotlover77 said,

    August 25, 2009 at 21:00

    I wish there was an emoticon to describe that weird cartoon moment when the confused character’s head shakes violently back and forth accompanied by the sound of “huwapapawapapawapapa”…

    it’s called a doubletake. Or in this case, a octupletake followed by an atomic explosion and mushroom cloud coming out of a flip-top head.

  35. Substance McGravitas said,

    August 25, 2009 at 21:02

    Via J—

    In short, Hillary Clinton, the indicted co-conspirator of this book’s original subtitle (“The Secret History of the American Left from Mussolini to the Politics of Meaning”), was defeated by Barack Obama precisely because he was better able than any of his opponents to personify many of the themes discussed in this book.

    That’s right leftists! You wanted Barack Obama because he is more of a Nazi than Hillary.

  36. Tommmcatt said,

    August 25, 2009 at 21:03

    by the sound of “huwapapawapapawapapa”…

    Hm.

    I would characterize that sound as more of a “woggitawoggitawoggita”.

  37. Michael G. said,

    August 25, 2009 at 21:04

    Mike Wallis is busy googling the legality of $3n$th trimester abortions, where n is Chris’ age.

  38. gocart mozart said,

    August 25, 2009 at 21:04

    “When everything else seems to fail to provide an answer to wingnut derangement, just remember that they are really, really, really pissed about having lost the 60s.”

    I heard that Obama has the Hendrix box set. Just saying.

  39. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    August 25, 2009 at 21:05

    it’s called a doubletake.

    Yeah, but what about the emoticon? I’m gonna suggest the following sequence:

    o_o – 0_0 – o_o – o_O – O_O – o_o – O_o – 0_0 – X_X

  40. tigrismus said,

    August 25, 2009 at 21:07

    In short, Hillary Clinton, the indicted co-conspirator of this book’s original subtitle (“The Secret History of the American Left from Mussolini to the Politics of Meaning”), was defeated by Barack Obama precisely because he was better able than any of his opponents to personify many of the themes discussed in this book.

    He got the majority in a center-right nation to vote for him by being more blatantly left? When is he moving the White House to a hollowed out volcano?

  41. Michael G. said,

    August 25, 2009 at 21:17

    o_o – 0_0 – o_o – o_O – O_O – o_o – O_o – 0_0 – X_X = -o_o – O_O – o_O – O_o – X_X

    At least simplify your algebra before you post it.

  42. Knights in White Satin said,

    August 25, 2009 at 21:40

    “Usually people don’t even contemplate end of life until they’re in an irreversible coma…”

    Well, if anyone would know, it would Chris (“He’s in what we Doctors call a “walking coma”) Wallace.

  43. RUGGED IN MONTANA said,

    August 25, 2009 at 21:42

    IT APPEARS THAT YOUR PRECIOUS OBAMA WASN’T CIRCUMCISED AT THE KENYAN HOSPITAL FOR INDONESIAN MUSLAMICS THAT HE WAS BORN IN!!! IN ADDITION TO HIS LONG FORM BIRTH CERTIFICATE, WE DEMAND TO SEE THE VAULT COPY OF HIS PENIS!!!!

  44. VPILF2008 said,

    August 25, 2009 at 21:43

    As a center-right country, we elected that socialist Sharia Law terrorist-loving Stalinist-Maoist-Trotskyist to the Presidency precisely so we could keep an eye on him. Real Americans know that nobody in elected office can affect positive change outside government at this moment in time on another scale and actually make a difference, such as, such as, in what respect, Charlie? Keep your friends close and your enemies closer and your frenemies so close that their hand upon your chest is your hand, that when you fall asleep it is their eyes you close.

    Life is too short to compromise time and resources… it may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: “Sit down and shut up”, but that’s the worthless, easy path; that’s a quitter’s way out.

  45. Doctorb said,

    August 25, 2009 at 21:45

    Well, usually in Indonesia they don’t circumcise boys until they’re like 10 to 12 years old, presumably so the boys can properly appreciate the awfulness of having part of your wang cut off. It hurts, you know. When I got mine done I couldn’t walk for a year.

  46. Knights in White Satin said,

    August 25, 2009 at 21:49

    Now I’m thinking Mr. Wallace read that comment off a teleprompter. So. Which one of you dudes at S,N writes for FOX news?

  47. CapMidnight said,

    August 25, 2009 at 22:05

    Well it’s funny you should ask that, but I’ve just been reading a great big Obama Death book about how to put your budgie down, and apparently you can either hit them with the book, or, you can shoot them just there, just above the beak.

  48. Pere Ubu said,

    August 25, 2009 at 22:06

    And can I just note that “death panels” are starting to look like a really, really good idea.

    How about we just compromise and set up “smack conservatives upside the head with a sock full of oranges” panels?

  49. The Tune in Jonah's Head said,

    August 25, 2009 at 22:12

    I Fought the LOL and the LOL, wut?

  50. slippy said,

    August 25, 2009 at 22:15

    How about we just compromise and set up “smack conservatives upside the head with a sock full of oranges” panels?

    Only if one of the Wayans does it. ‘Cause he don’t play that.

  51. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    August 25, 2009 at 22:15

    How about we just compromise and set up “smack conservatives upside the head with a sock full of oranges” panels?

    I don’t want to carry that around with me. How about we use their dildos? (You can tell a conservative because theirs take “D” cells.)

  52. Pere Ubu said,

    August 25, 2009 at 22:15

    Cripes.

    You think FAUX News’d have shoved Chris’ idiot comment (if not the man himself) down the Memory Hole, but nerp, it’s still there on the transcript.

    I just skimmed it – I assume Mr. Faith-Based had more evidence of something wrong with the DEATH BOOK than a set of questions.

    Oh, who am I kidding? Why, of course the mere inquiry about being in a wheelchair means they’ll kill you if you need one rather than spend the money. *snerk*

  53. CapMidnight said,

    August 25, 2009 at 22:20

    I wonder whether Chris Wallace‘s smirk has discussions with other smirks, like Bill Kristol‘s smirk or George W. Bush‘s smirk, about what to do in the event the overall quality of smirk ever deteriorates to the point it doesn’t irritate non-comatose humans that much any more.

  54. Doctorb said,

    August 25, 2009 at 22:22

    OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG! YOU GUYS! HOLY CRAP!

    It’s true! The VA or some part of the government even has a place where they are disposing of the bodies!

  55. Angry Geometer said,

    August 25, 2009 at 22:25

    A point is a one dimensional object. It, by definition, does not have a fucking center. There has never been the center to any point in the entire history of points because that’s not what a fucking point is.

    I don’t even want to think about what being “central to” a point would consist of. That’s not even English.

  56. tigrismus said,

    August 25, 2009 at 22:27

    I don’t want to carry that around with me. How about we use their dildos? (You can tell a conservative because theirs take “D” cells.)

    Ew. I’d rather carry the oranges.

  57. Pere Ubu said,

    August 25, 2009 at 22:30

    It’s true! The VA or some part of the government even has a place where they are disposing of the bodies!

    And they even have something there about an “Unknown” soldier!

    WHAT ARE THEY HIDING!!!

  58. Candy said,

    August 25, 2009 at 22:34

    The Golden rule of Stupid:

    A stupid person is a person who causes losses to another person or to a group of persons while himself deriving no gain and even possibly incurring losses.

    This totally sums up the teabagging/douchebagging movementarians.

  59. J— said,

    August 25, 2009 at 22:35

    Angry Geometer may wish to seek Generous Etymologist who’s willing to share dictionary and explore the wonder of entries with multiple definitions.

  60. Substance McGravitas said,

    August 25, 2009 at 22:37

    Angry Geometer may wish to seek Generous Etymologist who’s willing to share dictionary and explore the wonder of entries with multiple definitions.

    Get real! How can you explore the “be amazed at”?

  61. actor212 said,

    August 25, 2009 at 22:37

    Angry Geometer

    I am SOOO naming my band…

  62. actor212 said,

    August 25, 2009 at 22:38

    Get real! How can you explore the “be amazed at”?

    This was central to his point.

  63. J— said,

    August 25, 2009 at 22:44

    I am not an Etymologist. I cannot explain these things. I have been told Etymologists can, although all are not generous.

  64. Substance McGravitas said,

    August 25, 2009 at 22:47

    I have been told Etymologists can

    Mmmm…canned food.

  65. Michael G. said,

    August 25, 2009 at 22:49

    Now I’m thinking Mr. Wallace read that comment off a teleprompter. So. Which one of you dudes at S,N writes for FOX news?

    I’m Ron Burgundy?

  66. Xecky Gilchrist said,

    August 25, 2009 at 22:52

    Angry Geometer may wish to seek Generous Etymologist who’s willing to share dictionary and explore the wonder of entries with multiple definitions.

    And maybe recount how many dimensions geometrical points have.

  67. stogoe said,

    August 25, 2009 at 22:55

    Angry Geometer may wish to seek Generous Etymologist who’s willing to share dictionary and explore the wonder of entries with multiple definitions.

    Entries with multiple definitions are central to his point.

  68. actor212 said,

    August 25, 2009 at 22:57

    I am not an Etymologist. I cannot explain these things. I have been told Etymologists can, although all are not generous

    Those would be shrubbers.

  69. Angry Geometer said,

    August 25, 2009 at 22:59

    And maybe recount how many dimensions geometrical points have.

    Zero doesn’t exist, asshole. I’m old school.

  70. Angry Geometer said,

    August 25, 2009 at 23:00

    Angry Geometer may wish to seek Generous Etymologist

    I prefer Lusty Lepidopterists, if the truth be told.

  71. Xecky Gilchrist said,

    August 25, 2009 at 23:03

    Zero doesn’t exist, asshole. I’m old school.

    If you’re pre-Euclidean, that is old school.

  72. LittlePig said,

    August 25, 2009 at 23:04

    I don’t want to carry that around with me. How about we use their dildos?

    Only if they are sufficiently humorless.

  73. actor212 said,

    August 25, 2009 at 23:08

    Zero doesn’t exist

    So one really IS the loneliest number!

  74. 77south said,

    August 25, 2009 at 23:09

    Angry Geometer
    I prefer Lusty Lepidopterists, if the truth be told.

    You stay away from my sister!

  75. M. Bouffant said,

    August 25, 2009 at 23:14

    One, two, three strikes. You’re out, LoadPants!

    Won’t be arsed: Just imagine the links at “one,” “two” & “three.” I’m on a deadline.

    Speaking of which, the only “deadline” that Sad Sack could possibly have is for his steaming 800-word weekly coil. While it’s obvious Jonah “responds well to pressure” (procrastinates until he just can’t put it off any longer) can’t he even spew 800 unresearched wds. over the wknd. & then email it to his syndicate & Townhall (where it will be posted under K-Lo’s name as well, or vice versa) in time for early Tuesday posting? That most be the most exercised dog in D. C., though it’s funny JoBob doesn’t seem to have benefited from the walking. Maybe he just lets the poor dog off the leash, to run wild sniffing crotches while he sits on a bench & imagines — Oh, I don’t want to imagine.

  76. Substance McGravitas said,

    August 25, 2009 at 23:18

    One, two, three strikes. You’re out, LoadPants!

    Won’t be arsed: Just imagine the links at “one,” “two” & “three.” I’m on a deadline.

    That is the greatest JG takedown I’ve ever read today.

  77. PeeJ said,

    August 25, 2009 at 23:20

    LoadedHosen was referring to the point at the top of his head.

  78. henry lewis said,

    August 25, 2009 at 23:35

    I found a point with a center.

  79. Bitter Scribe said,

    August 25, 2009 at 23:37

    My God, Goldberg is even more insufferable in live action than in writing. When he speaks, there’s a snotty, whiny tone, wafting through the holes of his straw men, that doesn’t come across on the printed page.

  80. Anonymous said,

    August 25, 2009 at 23:46

    When everything else seems to fail to provide an answer to wingnut derangement, just remember that they are really, really, really pissed about having lost the 60s.

    Hey, the reason I was for Obama in the first place was that his candidacy wouldn’t be a referendum on the Vietnam Era. Obviously, I was mistaken.

    I prefer Lusty Lepidopterists, if the truth be told.

    Hey, baby, let me show you my mosaic gynandromorphs.

  81. Doctorb said,

    August 25, 2009 at 23:46

    I wish they’d hired Michael Bay to do the live action Goldberg. It would still be stupid, but there would at least be some explosions.

  82. Xecky Gilchrist said,

    August 26, 2009 at 0:10

    When he speaks, there’s a snotty, whiny tone, wafting through the holes of his straw men, that doesn’t come across on the printed page.

    I count myself lucky because I have never seen or heard one of Doughbob’s TV appearances.

    I respectfully disagree, though, about the snotty, whiny tone not coming across on the printed page.

  83. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    August 26, 2009 at 0:18

    I wish they’d hired Michael Bay to do the live action Goldberg. It would still be stupid, but there would at least be some explosions.

    I imagine there are plenty of explosions in live action Goldberg.

  84. LittlePig said,

    August 26, 2009 at 0:24

    I hear JB on NPR once in a while. He is loathesome – always playing the smart ass jerk getting in the last word. Neil Conan letting that slimey twit on the air is one of the reasons I don’t contribute to NPR anymore.

  85. LittlePig said,

    August 26, 2009 at 0:25

    I imagine there are plenty of explosions in live action Goldberg.

    Usually SBDs – the only way you tell is when he leans over in his chair and smiles.

  86. tigrismus said,

    August 26, 2009 at 0:30

    I prefer Lusty Lepidopterists, if the truth be told.

    Dammit, I guess I should have known my early successes as a nympho-ephemeropterist wouldn’t last.

  87. SomeNYGuy said,

    August 26, 2009 at 0:46

    a nympho-ephemeropterist

    That;s someone who fits mythical creatures with eyeglasses, promiscuously.

    I’m no retrad.

  88. Realist said,

    August 26, 2009 at 1:21

    Extra bonus points to Fox’s Chris Wallace for this:

    Usually people don’t even contemplate end of life until they’re in an irreversible coma.

    The best part is the other wingnut chiming in with something along the lines of “Great point!”

  89. Dr Zen said,

    August 26, 2009 at 1:32

    WTF. Let me get this straight. The Bush Administration wrote a pamphlet suggesting that veterans should kill themselves; it’s been discontinued for some time; and Obama wants to kill veterans?

    It’s okay, Jonah, no one wants you to end your life because of your incapacity. Just in comedy value alone, you’re contributing more than most.

  90. SomeNYGuy said,

    August 26, 2009 at 1:32

    Chris Wallace is suffering from an irreversible combover.

  91. Dr Zen said,

    August 26, 2009 at 1:40

    Wait, I’m reading the Chris Wallace transcript. This is beyond crazy. They are complaining that veterans are asked to say what gives their life value now so that they can define what circumstances their lives would not be worth living in. Jeezus, we all do that in our daily life: who hasn’t said “I wouldn’t want to live in a wheelchair” or “if I have an accident and they have me on a machine, switch it off”? So the pamphlet just says think it through now. Maybe it’s thinking they have the problem with?

  92. Substance McGravitas said,

    August 26, 2009 at 1:43

    You might give the wrong answer and a socialist would scoop out your heart with a large melon-baller and THEN WHERE WOULD YOU BE?

  93. A Republican from the 21st Century said,

    August 26, 2009 at 1:46

    How DARE you talk to me as if I might die!!
    How DARE you suggest I will NOT be whisked to Heaven on the wings of angels!
    How DARE you thwart God’s will, nobody ever gets sick unless God is punishing them.
    How DARE you even suggest that pain and suffering shouldn’t be prolonged as long as possible?

  94. Dr Zen said,

    August 26, 2009 at 1:48

    “Why is it on your website?”
    “The law says it has to be.”
    “Why don’t you take it down?”
    “That would be against the law, Chris.”

    A US government official who obeys the law? No wonder he was confused.

  95. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    August 26, 2009 at 1:54

    How DARE you suggest I will NOT be whisked to Heaven on the wings of angels!

    To spend eternity watching you face the post-Rapture tribulations and then suffer an eternity in hell, you godless librul!

  96. J— said,

    August 26, 2009 at 1:59

    Jeezus, we all do that in our daily life: who hasn’t said “I wouldn’t want to live in a wheelchair” or “if I have an accident and they have me on a machine, switch it off”?

    I can only speak for myself, but I find I only pose these questions to myself when I’m in my irreversible coma.

  97. A Republican from the 21st Century said,

    August 26, 2009 at 2:00

    To spend eternity watching you face the post-Rapture tribulations and then suffer an eternity in hell, you godless librul!

    I like your ideas. Do you have a newsletter?

  98. A Republican from the 21st Century said,

    August 26, 2009 at 2:02

    What do we want? Pain and Suffering!
    How long do we want it? For as long as humanly possible!
    Who’s is going to pay for it? Not Me!

  99. Substance McGravitas said,

    August 26, 2009 at 2:03

    I can only speak for myself, but I find I only pose these questions to myself when I’m in my irreversible coma.

    Izzat like a Snuggie?

  100. Michael G. said,

    August 26, 2009 at 2:04

    Dr Zen said,

    You can see Chris get a mm from the point of understanding end-of-life planning, then fall short. It’s amazing to see someone demonstrate themselves to be that incapable of reasoning on television. Well, it’s not amazing any more, I guess. It’s become pretty normal.

  101. Michael G. said,

    August 26, 2009 at 2:05

    When I become Emperor of Space, I’m going to replace CNN programming with 24 hours of news anchors adding fractions and working through syllogisms at a chalk board. It’ll be hilarious.

  102. Substance McGravitas said,

    August 26, 2009 at 2:07

    When I become Emperor of Space

    I would like a puppy when that happens. Thank you.

  103. CapMidnight said,

    August 26, 2009 at 2:16

    I would like a puppy when that happens. Thank you.
    Why should my hard-earned galactic Space dollars pay for your puppy?
    We still live under a cosmic Constitution, you know.

  104. tigrismus said,

    August 26, 2009 at 2:18

    I would like a puppy when that happens.

    But what will you eat in the meantime?

  105. J— said,

    August 26, 2009 at 2:24

    Izzat like a Snuggie?

    More like a detachable penis, except you can only wear it one way. It’s not reversible, you see.

  106. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    August 26, 2009 at 2:25

    What do we want? Pain and Suffering!

    Who do we want it for? You!

  107. A Republican from the 21st Century said,

    August 26, 2009 at 2:27

    Who do we want it for? You!

    Kinda goes without saying, duh…

  108. owlbear1 said,

    August 26, 2009 at 2:45

    DARE is having to do bake sales to get funding.

    :)

  109. Pere Ubu said,

    August 26, 2009 at 2:47

    I’m going to replace CNN programming with 24 hours of news anchors adding fractions and working through syllogisms at a chalk board

    Bring back Lynne Russell and I’ll watch.

  110. Origuy said,

    August 26, 2009 at 2:49

    Soldiers have been writing their wills before going into battle since Hector was a pup. How is this any different? After Washington accepted the commission from the Continental Congress, he updated his will.

  111. kenga said,

    August 26, 2009 at 2:53

    DARE is having to do bake sales to get funding.

    I see what you do there.

  112. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    August 26, 2009 at 3:00

    DARE is having to do bake sales to get funding.

    I’m sure it will do very well competing in the free market, it being so valuable and all.

    :) indeed.

  113. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    August 26, 2009 at 3:02


    Scott said,

    August 25, 2009 at 20:30

    I wanna know why Obama shot down the U-2 spy plane. Was it just for the sake of evil? Or was it for the sake of EEEEEVIL?

    It was for the sake. Teh evil sake.
    ~

  114. RUGGED IN MONTANA said,

    August 26, 2009 at 3:04

    MY CRAIGSLIST PERSONALS AD INCLUDES THE TERM “BIRTHER CURIOUS”!!!

  115. SomeNYGuy said,

    August 26, 2009 at 3:09

    I got myself a reversible coma so it would go with all my outfits.

  116. chimpevil said,

    August 26, 2009 at 3:31

    Hey, I was in an irreversible coma one time and I had all kinds of deep thoughts about the end of life, but I forgot what they were when I woke up.

  117. Arky - Geek God said,

    August 26, 2009 at 3:36

    Usually people don’t even contemplate end of life until they’re in an irreversible coma.

    IT’S TRUE STOP LAUGHING! TERRI SCHIAVO TOLD HIM SO!! SHUT UP STOP LAUGHING!

  118. tincture said,

    August 26, 2009 at 3:41

    Chris Wallace knows of which he speaks, being in an irreversible coma already (albeit an uncharacteristically noisy one.)

    That’s just gas escaping.

  119. N__B said,

    August 26, 2009 at 3:48

    My reversible coma is plaid on one side, for those days when I want to be funky-fresh.

  120. Mentis Fugit said,

    August 26, 2009 at 3:50

    After Washington accepted the commission from the Continental Congress, he updated his will.

    Is there no limit to Obama’s fiendish continuum-bestriding cunning?

  121. N__B said,

    August 26, 2009 at 3:52

    fiendish continuum-bestriding cunning

    Veiled donkey-sex abomination.

  122. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    August 26, 2009 at 4:03

    Oh yeah, I’ll reverse that comma for you.
    ʽ

  123. M. Bouffant said,

    August 26, 2009 at 4:05

    What Jonah’s deadline was for:

    Leaving aside the fact that the Bible nowhere says we should be our brother’s keeper (the phrase appears once — when Cain is trying to dodge a murder rap from God) or my own view that the government should never see itself as a keeper of anyone but incarcerated criminals (my dictionary says keepers are prison guards and zoo wardens), I think Obama’s approach is a welcome change of pace.

    And this:

    Of all the silly arguments that have been passed off as deeply profound in American politics, the notion that politicians can’t “impose” their personal morality on others has to top the list.

    Did you notice this part?

    Of all the silly arguments that have been passed off as deeply profound in American politics

    No, really, you should read it. Here:

    Of all the silly arguments that have been passed off as deeply profound in American politics

  124. Larry Craig said,

    August 26, 2009 at 4:09

    I would like to “impose” my “personal morality” on Jonah in an airport men’s room stall at a date and time to be determined as soon as possible.

    I knew he’d come around!

  125. N__B said,

    August 26, 2009 at 4:09

    silly arguments that have been passed off as deeply profound in American politics

    But that is unpossible. Real heartland americans cannot be fooled by anyone working at the Ministry of Silly Walks.

  126. tincture said,

    August 26, 2009 at 4:09

    His space-time hopping abilities and his penchant for using them to upset conservatives make it clear that Obama is Q.

    Likewise, his valiant efforts to use his hidden powers to help others thwart the evil Obama would make Mr Pantload his arc nemesis… Whoopi Goldberg? This has the unintended but also totally intended side effect of proving that nothing Mr Pantload, and by extension any other member of the Super-duper friends (that’s conservative pundits to you and I), does could ever be considered racist.

    Sorry Whoopi.

  127. N__B said,

    August 26, 2009 at 4:11

    Where’s my last post? Come back little sheba…

  128. SomeNYGuy said,

    August 26, 2009 at 4:29

    His space-time hopping abilities and his penchant for using them to upset conservatives make it clear that Obama is Q.

    “The Winged Serpect”?!?!?!?!

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084556/

    Quetzalcoatlicious!

  129. SomeNYGuy said,

    August 26, 2009 at 4:31

    Pardon me, that was supposed to be Winged Serpent. I must have been thinking of The Usual Serpects, or maybe Serpico.

  130. Bitter Scribe said,

    August 26, 2009 at 4:33

    Of all the silly arguments that have been passed off as deeply profound in American politics, the notion that Jonah Goldberg brings the slightest qualifications or intellectual depth to the American political debate has to top the list.

  131. Myths, Legends and Pet Supplies said,

    August 26, 2009 at 4:36

    Didn’t W choke on a Quetzalcoatl once while in office? And is that any less plausible than the official explanation?

  132. Quetzalcoatl said,

    August 26, 2009 at 4:44

    His gag reflex was too sensitive.

  133. SomeNYGuy said,

    August 26, 2009 at 4:49

    So “Quetzalcoatl” is Jeff James Gannon Guckert’s new screen name?

  134. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    August 26, 2009 at 4:55

    No, no! Quetzalcoatl is his Nahuatl name. In honor of the Mayan apocalypse bringing the world to an end in 2012, we need to translate it into Yucatec, and picture William Shatner screaming:

    “Kukul-KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!

  135. Lesley said,

    August 26, 2009 at 4:58

    Feel compelled to pass this along. Here’s a moral reason to quit smoking. Malawi’s child tobacco pickers suffer illness, exploitation. Tobacco companies “have shifted as much as three-quarters of their production to Third World countries to cut labour and other costs” and the child labourers picking the stuff are vomiting blood. Niiiiiiiiiiice.

  136. N__B said,

    August 26, 2009 at 5:35

    Tobacco companies “have shifted as much as three-quarters of their production to Third World countries to cut labour and other costs”

    Aaaaah. The wonders of the free market. It provides moral instruction while feeding our addictions.

  137. M. Bouffant said,

    August 26, 2009 at 5:36

    Camels©: Turkish & domestic blend, no Malawi ‘baccy in them.

    And R. J. Reynolds is just the sweetest corporate entity ever.

  138. jim said,

    August 26, 2009 at 6:52

    Sad to say, my will isn’t reversible anymore – at least not since I burnt out the clutch & the gearbox on it a few years back trying to drag-race my desire on a straightaway.

    Living Wills are identical to euthanasia … just like porn is identical to sex, & an IOU is identical to cash.

    Uh oh. Looks like Tinkerbell still isn’t moving … clap harder, you fuckers, CLAP HARDER!

  139. henry lewis said,

    August 26, 2009 at 7:55

    Ya got a light, mac?

    Nope, just a dark brown reversible coma.

  140. justme said,

    August 26, 2009 at 8:00

    Entries with multiple definitions are central to his point.

    Points with multiple centers are the definition of his entries.

  141. Exasperated liberal said,

    August 26, 2009 at 8:00

    but I forgot what they were when I woke up.

    That’s why we’re forcing you to read these death books. Gawd!

  142. Mrs Tilton said,

    August 26, 2009 at 8:03

    Mieux vaut tard que jamais

    With emphasis on the “tard”.

  143. Smut Clyde said,

    August 26, 2009 at 11:51

    a socialist would scoop out your heart with a large melon-baller
    “Melon-baller”? You philistine. Anyone would think that you have never heard of heart-snatchers.

  144. actor212 said,

    August 26, 2009 at 15:03

    My reversible coma is plaid on one side, for those days when I want to be funky-fresh.

    My reversible colon makes sure I’m always fulla shit.

  145. Ted said,

    August 26, 2009 at 18:16

    Anyone who has had a kid and hasn’t contemplated end-of-life has something wrong with them. Nothing like becoming a parent to drive mortality home to you (and I’ve had a parent die, so I know what that’s like too).

  146. Smut Clyde said,

    August 26, 2009 at 22:46

    My reversible colon makes sure I’m always fulla shit.
    Intussusception is painful bloody unpronounceable theft!

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