Aug
25
25
WWJBD?
Jonah Loadpants, America’s Shittiest Website™
Will There Be Outrage?
- I don’t understand what the kerfuffle over “torture” of detainees is about. They do worse things to people in the movies and on the teevee.
Jonah Loadpants, America’s Shittiest Website™
Update
- A reader points out that there is some “torture” so bad you won’t ever see it on the teevee. He is a tendentious twit and I don’t have time to argue with him. I have a deadline.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
actor212 said,
August 25, 2009 at 17:58
A reader points out that there is some “torture” so bad you won’t ever see on the teevee. He is a tendentious twit and I don’t have time to argue with him. I have a deadline.
I see. His deadline is his own torture.
PS said,
August 25, 2009 at 17:58
Don’t make me click!
mark f said,
August 25, 2009 at 18:08
I bet the “more later” never comes. Just a hunch.
Candy said,
August 25, 2009 at 18:11
Maybe he could ask his faithful readership to research the matter for him.
James K. Polk, Esq. said,
August 25, 2009 at 18:12
I can haz boiling lead latte?
javafascist said,
August 25, 2009 at 18:16
For example, I have never seen anybody reading a Jonah Goldberg column on the teevee.
justme said,
August 25, 2009 at 18:17
*inside voice*
Trust the shorter. Do not click. Trust the shorter.
*/inside voice*
No, seriously? Even that turdsnorkle has to have enough of a connection to reality that he can understand that there are actually separate things called “fiction” and “fact” doesn’t he?
Oh. Right.
brbclicky
theperilouspea said,
August 25, 2009 at 18:18
It seemd like a such good idea to change the name of the Washington National Airport , to the Ronald Reagan Airport . After all Sunny Ronnie had many of his best ideas fairly covered with the density of air , the poetry of this is simply emotion making .
Begging to have national landmarks named after you is a pastime with remarkably high returns , like begging in general . The only remaining difficulty is deciding which disease to have named after you .
Dear Jonah , having examined torture through a line by line reading of one of his own trenchant central points , has only to open his suggestions to generate a wildly enthusiastic response . I for one would look favorably upon opening a library branch in hzzoner in a Cuban bay area resort .
Lunch Lady said,
August 25, 2009 at 18:20
French fries are the reason most Americans don’t get scurvy, kid. Little known fact!
Derelict said,
August 25, 2009 at 18:20
Shorter DoughBob’s Career:
Look upon my works, ye rational, and despair!
tigrismus said,
August 25, 2009 at 18:23
How the fuck does he stay employed? And why can’t I get a piece of that action, I’m just as lazy but I know how to use the Google so at least some of my maundering would be reality-based.
Pere Ubu said,
August 25, 2009 at 18:24
Even that turdsnorkle has to have enough of a connection to reality that he can understand that there are actually separate things called “fiction” and “fact” doesn’t he?
Sadly, No.
Pere Ubu said,
August 25, 2009 at 18:25
And why can’t I get a piece of that action, I’m just as lazy but I know how to use the Google so at least some of my maundering would be reality-based.
I think you answer your own question.
D.N. Nation said,
August 25, 2009 at 18:27
That would be a Shorter Every Jonah Post Ever. And no, there will be no more later, as he’s got a cold/he’s tired/this is lame and boring/Atrios sucks anyway/he’s got to walk the dog.
D.N. Nation said,
August 25, 2009 at 18:31
Also, completely OT and mostly pathetic:
I wrote a book. Self-published, so not in your local bookstore. You can buy it here. Experimental fiction sort of stuff. It’s pretty good.
There, I’m done bothering you. Yes, feel free to ask me anything about it, no secrets.
tigrismus said,
August 25, 2009 at 18:32
Maybe I could split the Goldberg/Coulter continuum: lazy-assed crap but WITH COPIOUS FOOTNOTES.
Substance McGravitas said,
August 25, 2009 at 18:33
First fucking sentence:
I’ve done no work yet I must write.
OneMan said,
August 25, 2009 at 18:34
I’ll point out the obvious so you don’t have to:
In the talkies, the bad guys are demonstrably and certainly bad guys.
As has been shown repeatedly in The Real World™, sometimes innocent guys get tortured.
So even if you’re objectively pro-torture, are you pro-torture of the innocent?
Ted the Slacker said,
August 25, 2009 at 18:43
“First fucking sentence:”
Indeed. He might as well have started – You know what doesn’t matter? Facts. Faps, on the other hand, are teh awesome.
Jack Elam said,
August 25, 2009 at 18:46
It’s got to the point where I can smell pictures of Jonah Goldberg. They smell like stale farts saturated with MSG.
javafascist said,
August 25, 2009 at 18:49
Again, this is Jonah’s MO to everything he’s ever written. Never has one man farted about so much while knowing so little.
Doughymandias said,
August 25, 2009 at 18:59
Look upon my works, ye rational, and despair!
FTW!
justme said,
August 25, 2009 at 19:01
Aw, holy fucking fuckity fuck. Shoulda listened to my inside voice. That is an even ranker bit of runny POOP than usual coming out of that stool-spigot.
I mean, linking to an earlier post and then lifting your next paragraph from same is lazy and, if his readers could be insulted, insulting.
But wow. His whole premise of “Given enough setup, say, nuclear terrorists with a ticking bomb, most Americans can understand a point where torture can be justified. Ergo, torture is always justified.” is beyond stupid, even for him. Just wow. I mean, if that report had shown that they had used torture once or twice, and that the situation was truly dire, with the fate of millions hanging on a thread, blah blah blah, a scenario that even the CIA admits doesn’t exist in reality, then y’know, I doubt there would be much outrage. The fact that it speaks of routine torture, simply as policy, is what makes the whole thing obscene. For Brownshorts over there to equivocate fictional individual actions, in scenarios purpose-built to justify them, with daily beatings and worse of actual people, many not convicted of any crime, simply because that has become a new standard according to policy makers, is simply absurd.
His having the utter lack of self awareness to call anybody else “tendentious” after scrawling out that tripe has Irony keening from her oubliette so loud I can hear it from here.
Fuck.
slippy said,
August 25, 2009 at 19:04
I haven’t read the IG report yet . . .
I remember back when Dan Quayle was an embarrassment. Do you all remember that? He was dumber than a fucking box of rocks and it actually caused some people shame to see that he’d been allowed out unchaperoned by an adult. His gigantic foot-in-mouth moment came when he decided to weigh in on an episode of Murphy Brown, and admitted right away that he hadn’t seen the episode, but that he felt qualified to comment anyway.
So I wrote an angry letter to the editor (wow those things used to take a long time) and pointed out that every word out of his stupid mouth after that admission was automatically null and void.
Why don’t conservatives ever learn? If you haven’t read it or seen it, you STILL are not a fucking expert on it! Why do conservatives think they’re a fucking expert on EVERYTHING??????? And why do news organizations or anyone else in fact take them SERIOUSLY on this when they repeatedly show over and over again that they are the biggest stupidfuck losers on the planet???????????????????????????????
Legalize said,
August 25, 2009 at 19:04
Lemme get this straight. If Harrison Ford did something in the movies, it can’t be torture because Hollywood would never depict Harrison Ford doing torture? That really is his point, right?
Cap'n Fatback said,
August 25, 2009 at 19:11
Why the hell do I care enough to type into this little box? Why?
I’ll tell you why: it’s not simply the idiocy of an argument that ignores completely the literary concept of the antihero in order to make the point that “if Hollywood sanctions it; it must be good,” as the author peers carefully from behind his shield of chrome-covered number-one issues of nineties comics to gingerly paw at the comments on this, his latest urpy digital belch, hoping by the Hoary Hordes of Hoggoth that no one calls to attention to the fact that he is actually calling for the cultural legitimacy of the moral compass of one of the Right’s favorite liberal bugaboos. Nope–that’s not it.
What really fries my noodles is the history of smug and self-righteous projection smuggled in a self-fellatory tone that accompanies Goldberg’s steaming, coiled piles of text. He genuinely is convinced that he is diving into deep philosophical waters, hoping that those standing around the pool and mocking him for performing a cannonball in a puddle with be grateful for getting doused by the ensuing tsunami-like splash.
Afterward, a self-congratulatory Goldberg towels off and pops a loads in his own mouth, calling it a sundae. When asked to come back and swim by those wishing to critique his dive, he blurts out something about bedtime and runs home, satisfied, covered in mud and ejaculate.
Yeah, I mixed metaphors, like Grandmaster Flash mixes the tight beats. What of it?
Chicago City Comptroller said,
August 25, 2009 at 19:11
Is he really such a stupid evil fat fuck bag of corn syrup or is he just writing stuff like this for the money? Cuz he’s one of the few people who would actually become MORE likable were he just a lying propagandist.
cyntax said,
August 25, 2009 at 19:12
That really is his point, right?
Basically, yes. Though we could get into the intricacies of wether there is ever any a priori justification for calling anyting he writes “a point.”
But really, why bother? He obviously didn’t.
Jack Elam said,
August 25, 2009 at 19:13
He is really such a stupid evil fuckbag of corn syrup.
Julia Grey said,
August 25, 2009 at 19:16
It’s got to the point where I can smell pictures of Jonah Goldberg. They smell like stale farts saturated with MSG.
Actually, FRESH farts are more odiferous.
And Jonah comes up with new ones almost every day.
Trilateral Chairman said,
August 25, 2009 at 19:16
We have two points here:
A. Why do conservatives think they’re a fucking expert on EVERYTHING?
B. And why do news organizations or anyone else in fact take them SERIOUSLY on this when they repeatedly show over and over again that they are the biggest stupidfuck losers on the planet?
(A) happens because (B) happens. Jonah’s the perfect example. He gets humiliated on a *regular basis* because he simply never knows what he’s talking about and is too lazy to bother skim-reading a few papers or doing a simple Google search. Nevertheless, his crap gets published anyway, so HE’LL NEVER LEARN. As far as he’s concerned, he can spend his morning spewing forth a pile of ignorant crap and then spend the rest of the day fucking around on the Internet. Can’t beat that!
I do love it, though, when Jonah claims he can’t address an issue further because he’s crashing on a deadline. He’s essentially saying “I can’t deal with my last pile of crap because I’m too busy generating the next one,” or, to put it more crudely, “I’m too busy shitting to flush.”
TKK said,
August 25, 2009 at 19:21
The cases also include that of Abed Hamed Mowhoush, a former Iraqi general beaten over days by U.S. Army, CIA and other non-military forces, stuffed into a sleeping bag, wrapped with electrical cord, and suffocated to death. In the recently concluded trial of a low-level military officer charged in Mowhoush’s death, the officer received a written reprimand, a fine, and 60 days with his movements limited to his work, home, and church.
I don’t remember Harrison Ford ever doing this.
Tommmcatt said,
August 25, 2009 at 19:24
Lemme get this straight. If Harrison Ford did something in the movies, it can’t be torture because Hollywood would never depict Harrison Ford doing torture? That really is his point, right?
Yes, but don’t try to reason it out any further than that. I did and it gave me a headache so bad my teeth hurt.
justme said,
August 25, 2009 at 19:24
So, he’s cool with the gay cowboys, then.
And, of course, because everything out of Hollywood is just like real life, there actually is an island full of dinosaurs, the battles of Middle Earth are true history, and Peter Parker really does swing around NY on webstuff.
Cap'n Fatback said,
August 25, 2009 at 19:28
Now THERE’S a scatological metaphor!
Substance McGravitas said,
August 25, 2009 at 19:28
Because they haven’t done the reading. Common sense trumps all, and book learning is for elitists except for thoughtful careful detailed arguments about how those guys are just like HITLER.
Bitter Scribe said,
August 25, 2009 at 19:31
Even that turdsnorkle has to have enough of a connection to reality that he can understand that there are actually separate things called “fiction” and “fact” doesn’t he?
Oh, he knows the difference. He just doesn’t care.
Batocchio said,
August 25, 2009 at 19:33
So his argument is that torture is okay because Hollywood depicts it – even if those depictions are unrealistic, but he doesn’t get that far.
RodeoBob said,
August 25, 2009 at 19:39
Batocchio: yup, that’s his argument. X is OK because Hollywood depicts “good guys” doing X.
But only where X is torture, and not negotiations, multiculturalism, homosexuality, autonomous foreign nations, brown people being anything but terrorists & villains, black people being anything but drug dealers or comic sidekicks…
You get the idea.
Not Looch who has way too much time on his hands these days said,
August 25, 2009 at 19:42
Oh, he knows the difference. He just doesn’t care.
Actually, in a perverse way, I think he cares very much. But what he cares about is the overall message he is trying to put out, which is: “Nothing to see here, folks, move along.”
Entire Blogosphere said,
August 25, 2009 at 19:47
I’ve done no work yet I must write.
Entire Blogosphere said,
August 25, 2009 at 19:49
Lemme get this straight. If Harrison Ford did something in the movies, it can’t be torture because Hollywood would never depict Harrison Ford doing torture?
Except for fucking Julia Ormond, I’d agree with this sentiment.
Substance McGravitas said,
August 25, 2009 at 19:50
It is an EFFORT to take those screenshots!
slippy said,
August 25, 2009 at 20:01
There are days when I can’t wait until the Revolution. Seriously.
LittlePig said,
August 25, 2009 at 20:03
Lemme get this straight. If Harrison Ford did something in the movies, it can’t be torture because Hollywood would never depict Harrison Ford doing torture?
But, but, but…Han shot first!
Cap'n Fatback said,
August 25, 2009 at 20:12
Or, he’s fine with, let’s say, accidentally shooting someone in the head in the back of your car and the covering it up, a la Pulp Fiction. Because, hey, there’s no such thing as a flawed hero.
justme said,
August 25, 2009 at 20:28
Cap’n,
Well, seeing as how his entire output resembles nothing more than the non-dialog scenes of Weekend at Bernie’s, dragging the same old corpse of an ideology around, trying to convince everybody that it’s still alive…
g said,
August 25, 2009 at 20:36
“if Hollywood sanctions it; it must be good,”
Umm…but what about the Conservative line that Hollywood is the source of all that is Liberal and therefore Evil? Now he is championing Hollywood?
Marion in Savannah said,
August 25, 2009 at 20:38
You were expecting maybe consistency? HAH.
J— said,
August 25, 2009 at 20:41
I’ve done no work yet I must write.
Speak for yourself. I for one have become an expert in Honduran constitutional law, and it only took me 20 minutes!
Cap'n Fatback said,
August 25, 2009 at 20:52
Justme: How about Weekend at Bernie’s II, where (if I recall–I’ve seen only snippets) the corpse is flatulent?
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
August 25, 2009 at 20:52
Well here’s an exercise in futlity, but what the heck.
Open letter to Doughbob of The Loaded Pants.
Jonah,
There is a very simple disconnect in your incredibly specious (I included such a nice word to get his attention!) argument. In all of those Hollywood-ifications of torture inflicted by good guys there is a “ticking time bomb” scenario. That is the fiction, the made-up part of it. Any of those actions taken by any of those heroes, would be considered barbaric and inhumane if they were not dont to save lives.
The “ticking time bomb” is a ridiuclous notion. There is no such scenario. Consider what is required for it to occur:
1. Existence of an actualized plot to cause massive damage – i.e. the time bomb.
2. Capture of someone involved in said plot.
3. Only the captured individual has the knowledge to foil the plot, i.e. there is no other way of stopping the plot – despite having already acquired enough information to capture one of the plotters before the plot goes off.
4. Perfect enough knowledge that the captured plotter will crack under torture that you’re willing to trade your humanity for the information.
It’s totally ridiculous. What if the plotter instead decided that he’d give away the plot only if George W. Bush were executed? I mean since all terrorists hate the Deciderer more than anything, this would be a big enough trade-off to save, say the Superbowl from being blown up at half-time.
Regardless, and this is the important part: that isn’t what we’re talking about here. We’re talking about torture programs that ran for days, weeks, months and even years on individuals. We’re talking about a systematic approach to inflicting pain, nausea, the sensations of death, vile threats to self and loved ones. The waterboard wasn’t even used until after the lucky spa treatment recipient earned his frequent flyer miles over a span of weeks of sleep deprivation.
So go back and consider your fictional torture scenarios – and even given them the mythical and non-existent ticking time bomb even – then stretch their actions – the shooting of a knee or of colleagues captured at the same time – and stretch it into regular actions that occur every day for a week. Are those techniques still okay?
Regards,
Dragon-King Wangchuck
P.S. Here’s a PROTIP for you Jonah, when your argument is that “people are okay with violence being perpetrated by heroes in movies therefore violence is not evil” you really ought to be more careful in what you label “tendentious”.
Xecky Gilchrist said,
August 25, 2009 at 20:53
I do love it, though, when Jonah claims he can’t address an issue further because he’s crashing on a deadline.
Yeah, and this from a guy whose smiley-Hitler book was, what, two years late?
Cap'n Fatback said,
August 25, 2009 at 20:53
Ah, see, the calls to the Hordes of Hoggoth were to no avail.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
August 25, 2009 at 20:55
PROTIP for D-KW
lurn to tipnigs. please ignore the “dont” at end of paragraph 1 as well as the “them” that appears before “the mythical” at the end of the letter.
Also, PENIS.
Smut Clyde said,
August 25, 2009 at 21:34
“I’m too busy shitting to flush.”
Oh, oh, I know! That was a sub-plot in “Chester the Happy Clown”! The character cannot stop crapping because his colon has been connected to an alternative universe and is being used as its waste-disposal conduit. Do I win a prize?
Perhaps one of my readers can link to a scan of the panels in question. Photoshop potential.
Having spent the rest of the day fucking around on the Internet, I can report that the film version of “Chester the Happy Clown” is immanent.
Jack Elam said,
August 25, 2009 at 21:36
I suppose by “stale farts” I mean the concept of “stale” + the smell of farts. Like a fart at its worst.
Substance McGravitas said,
August 25, 2009 at 21:39
Maybe in YOUR mind, poop freak.
tigrismus said,
August 25, 2009 at 21:46
it’s immanent in all our minds now, just you try and get it out. It’s Bimmler’s Revenge.
Smut Clyde said,
August 25, 2009 at 21:52
I have immanentised the e-shaton!
Smut Clyde said,
August 25, 2009 at 21:53
Teh Great Gazoogle reports:
The Ed the Happy Clown movie, also titled Yummy Fur, is currently in the final stages of development and is set for production in the summer of 2010. It will combine live-action with CGI and stop motion.
Substance McGravitas said,
August 25, 2009 at 21:54
Poor Chester. Be-Eded by Smutlims.
Doctorb said,
August 25, 2009 at 21:54
Shit, Jonah, Rules of Fucking Engagement? Really? What other movies do you want to cite — Our Enemy, the Japanese or Der Ewige Jude. Or the delightful animated film Nazi Supermen Are Our Superiors?
bayville said,
August 25, 2009 at 22:05
Goldberg’s lede:
Goldberg-Lowry brainstorming at NRO HQ:
JG: “Rich, I haven’t read the IG report on torture, or even skimmed through it, but I think I should write a 1,200-word missive on it. I think I wrote about this a few years ago. I’ll e-mail someone to check my archives just to make sure.
RL:“Great idea big guy. But don’t forget you have a dealine for that other thing.”
JG:“Thanks. I’m always in the weeds, eh?”
Prof. Booty said,
August 25, 2009 at 22:06
If such practices, in the contexts depicted, were as obviously and clearly evil as many on the left claim, Hollywood could never get away with having the good guys employ them.
If such practices, in the contexts depicted, were as obviously and clearly evil as many on the right claim, the gay porn industry could never get away with having the good guys employ them.
D. Aristophanes said,
August 25, 2009 at 22:14
For Brownshorts over there to equivocate fictional individual actions, in scenarios purpose-built to justify them, with daily beatings and worse of actual people, many not convicted of any crime, simply because that has become a new standard according to policy makers, is simply absurd.
Jonah is constantly surprised when, in real life, a giant pitcher of red sugar water doesn’t break down his wall whenever he shouts, ‘Hey, Kool-Aid!’
Doctorb said,
August 25, 2009 at 22:16
I refer to the film Rules of Engagement with an expletive infixation, or tmesfuckingis, not to some pornographic version of Rules of Engagement.
(Special bonus list of porn versions of movies Samuel L Jackson was in:
Rules of Engorgement, Pulp Friction, Shaft, The Long Fist Goodnight, One Ate Seven, The Search for One-eye Willy, Against the Wall, Bonin’ at the Jumpyard, Jungle Fever, Blew the Right Thing, Cumming to America, xXx, T.W.A.T., Fisted, Black Trouser Snake Moan and Trouser Snakes on a Plane).
(Shaft, Against the Wall, Jungle Fever and xXx all work on their own actually).
Cap'n Fatback said,
August 25, 2009 at 22:24
I looked up the pron title for Goodfellas to add to your list of Jackson movies and was disappointed to see that it’s name is Goodfellas/Badfellas. I mean, hello, Good-feelas?
The Tune in Jonah's Head said,
August 25, 2009 at 22:33
Little Shop of Whores is still my favorite. Well, title-wise, that is.
The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,
August 25, 2009 at 22:34
FYWP!! I already put in one comment in my own name after that!!! FYWP!!!!
actor212 said,
August 25, 2009 at 22:40
P.S. Here’s a PROTIP for you Jonah, when your argument is that “people are okay with violence being perpetrated by heroes in movies therefore violence is not evil” you really ought to be more careful in what you label “tendentious”.
Everytime I see that word, tendentious, I get this urge to start singing, “Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the fandango?”
actor212 said,
August 25, 2009 at 22:42
(Special bonus list of porn versions of movies Samuel L Jackson was in:
Rules of Engorgement, Pulp Friction, Shaft, The Long Fist Goodnight, One Ate Seven, The Search for One-eye Willy, Against the Wall, Bonin’ at the Jumpyard, Jungle Fever, Blew the Right Thing, Cumming to America, xXx, T.W.A.T., Fisted, Black Trouser Snake Moan and Trouser Snakes on a Plane).
I can’t believe you missed “Porn Wars: Episode One, The Phantom Anus”
actor212 said,
August 25, 2009 at 22:44
I dunno….what would the porn title be for The Pianist?
Lurking Canadian said,
August 25, 2009 at 22:49
Maybe this is just me, but doesn’t this bit:
If such practices, in the contexts depicted, were as obviously and clearly evil as many on the left claim, Hollywood could never get away with having the good guys employ them. Harrison Ford in the Tom Clancy movies would never torture wholly innocent and underserving victims for the same reasons he wouldn’t beat his kids or hurl racial epithets at black people. But given sufficient time to lay out the context and inform the viewers of the stakes, as well as Ford’s motives, the audience not only understands but applauds his actions.
refute the rest? If I parse it correctly, it is basically an argument that says “Because you can manipulate the audience into agreeing with torture provided you prove to them it’s only being done by good people to bad people, people must not mean it when they say they are opposed to torture”.
But…but…oh fuck it. It’s the same bullshit argument the troll makes, isn’t it? If I can cook up one case in which you’d agree with torture, then it means you aren’t morally opposed to torture.
Hey Jonah! If I can cook up a case in which you would approve of a battered wife murdering her husband to escape, does that mean we should abolish laws against first degree murder? It would be unreasonable not to speculate.
Smut Clyde said,
August 25, 2009 at 22:58
Not a penis.
Interrobang said,
August 25, 2009 at 23:01
Dear Jonah,
The reason people don’t get sad and mad when people torture other people in the movies is because their mommies and daddies told them that movies were just pretend. Why didn’t your mommy and daddy tell you that movies are just pretend?
Your friend,
Interrobang
Smut Clyde said,
August 25, 2009 at 23:10
P00P.
cowalker said,
August 25, 2009 at 23:27
Let’s see. Anyone remember what Harrison Ford did at the end of the movie “Presumed Innocent” when he discovered the murderer’s identity? He DIDN’T turn the murderer over to the authorities. So is that alright then?
It sure will be confusing when we start using movies instead of the legal system to dispense justice.
Lawyer 1–”I call your Honor’s attention to ‘Pretty Woman,’ which clearly shows that prostitution is not a criminal act. It is an honorable path to self-fulfillment and a fruitful relationship that allows the erstwhile prostitute to contribute positively to society.”
Lawyer 2–”Your Honor, allow me to place in evidence the movie ‘Monster,’ which clearly shows that prostitution leads the person engaging in this criminal act to become a serial killer of men.”
Judge–”If prostitution and serial killing were wrong, clearly Hollywood would not have portrayed Charlize Theron performing such actions. I find the accused innocent of prostitution. And if she happens to commit any serial murders, don’t let me hear that you wasted a grand jury’s time on it.”
"The Penis-ist" said,
August 25, 2009 at 23:34
what would the porn title be for The Pianist?
Doctorb said,
August 25, 2009 at 23:54
As we see in “Man Bites Dog” (C’est arrivé près de chez vous), the subject of the documentary is a serial killer. If Americans were against serial killing, Hollywaffle (the Belgian Hollywood) would never have produced this movie, not even as a zero-budget movie.
Smut Clyde said,
August 26, 2009 at 0:19
Just to be clear: Is there anything in Mr Goldberg’s oeuvre that cannot be classified as
(1) Likening his ideological foes to the Nazis, on peculiar grounds such as e.g. not acting promptly to withdraw a booklet issued by the previous administration; or
(2) Inventing pop-culture apologia for activities of the Cheney administration that were war crimes when committed by actual Nazis; or
(3) Joking on his blog about the crap he’s paid to say?
Because I should hate to condemn him prematurely.
LittlePig said,
August 26, 2009 at 0:26
Would telling the folks left in New Orleans after Katrina to “grow gills” come in under number 3, Smut?
OneMan said,
August 26, 2009 at 0:36
“Just to be clear: Is there anything in Mr Goldberg’s oeuvre that cannot be classified…
No.
This has been another episode of &tc…
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
August 26, 2009 at 0:46
I looked up the pron title for Goodfellas to add to your list of Jackson movies and was disappointed to see that it’s name is Goodfellas/Badfellas. I mean, hello, Good-feelas?
Goodfellatio would have been so much better.
a different brad said,
August 26, 2009 at 0:52
So if they do something in a movie, it isn’t illegal?
Then I’d like to thank Cheech and Chong.
Cap'n Fatback said,
August 26, 2009 at 1:56
Hmmm . . . Duh, Pee on This? Yeah, I went there.
I cry uncle, sir.
chimpevil said,
August 26, 2009 at 2:43
Anyone remember what Harrison Ford did at the end of the movie “Presumed Innocent” when he discovered the murderer’s identity? He DIDN’T turn the murderer over to the authorities.
Hey man, did you ever hear of SPOILER ALERTS??? Presumed Innocent was next on my NETFLIX list! OK, shit, lemme see what’s next. OH good The Pajama Game! (Rock is SO hot in that!)
ron said,
August 26, 2009 at 3:25
the real question is why people are so outraged about what michael vick did to dogs but dont give a shit what our govt. did to people.
The thing you should have said that occurs to you like five hours later said,
August 26, 2009 at 3:38
Well, next on my Netflix list is Psycho, and don’t anyone try to tell me that polite, clean-cut Anthony Perkins turns out to be a HOMICIDAL MANIAC!
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
August 26, 2009 at 3:41
P00P
That comic store is just a stone’s throw from the gaudiest sign evar. Ed Mirvish, you will be missed.
Clam Afterbirth said,
August 26, 2009 at 3:56
“More later” is what I call a “Goldberg Unit.”
A Goldberg Unit is the interval between the identification of a task that requires completing, and the moment at which that task still isn’t completed.
It’s the opposite of a Friedman Unit, which is an eternally advancing unit of time that extends six months into the future from… right… now. And now. Also now.
I vouchsafe unto Sadlies this gift.
Arky - Geek God said,
August 26, 2009 at 3:59
Dear L.A. Times,
I understand your circ. numbers are shrinking faster than Herr Lœdedhösen’s testicles when his mommy catches him petting the little bishop…
Not Looch who has way too much time on his hands these days said,
August 26, 2009 at 4:01
Well, he is one Goldberg Unit into his non-updated update schedule.
Mr. Wonderful said,
August 26, 2009 at 5:11
Look, a) I’m drunk, and b) most of you know this, but…
It is a waste of time to ponder why Jonah or any of his peers say anything. They do NOT “mean well.” They do NOT “argue in good faith.” They are NOT “sincere.”
They are propagandists. It’s their job. You should no more challenge their sense of justice or truthfulness than you should yell at the tv, “Hey, wait–is Frosted Mini-Wheats REALLY part of a complete breakfast”?
They are shills. Laff at them, mock them, disprove them, but do not try to reason with them or convince them. They’re not in that business.
Clam Afterbirth said,
August 26, 2009 at 5:36
Dear Mr. Wonderful:
I’m stoned, but wish to point out that Goldberg, et al, are writing fiction. They know this, on some reptile-brain level. They’re the people that don’t have the balls to do straight fiction, so they do op-fiction, taking on a persona and pretending it’s a real person, except it’s them.
The very next fraction of a degree towards fiction is the false witness, as found in the reporting of Jayson Blair; the writer supports a true subject with made-up details. Next is the false autobiography, which can’t hide behind the fig leaf of opinion or vagary of reportage, but must assert itself to be fact. Examples of false autobiographers include Misha Defonseca and Margaret Seltzer, among many others.
So Goldberg is writing stories that can’t be held to any standard whatsoever: are they his opinions? Is he speaking of facts he investigated, or simply those he stumbled upon? Does he even, really, make any kind of testable assertion at all?
Of course not. He’s simply shaped the things that bother him into opinions carefully associated with similar but unrelated things in the real world. If women hurt his feelings a lot and don’t listen when he talks, he can simply re-frame the issue away from his own shortcomings, and talk in the abstract about those crazy feminists instead. If he’s a physical coward, he can turn that around into a fierce and warlike mien, and scorn others for hesitating to kill. If he’s a selfish clapscab, he can proclaim himself instead a believer in self-sufficiency and less tax.
But I think we’re wasting our time if we imagine they believe anything they say, or even care much about it. It’s a logic puzzle for them, a huge picture in a million pieces spread all over the dining room table. They mesmerize themselves with this project. Whoever the persona they eventually become, it’s always going to be a reactionary caricature of who they could have been, if they’d had the courage to be somebody “real.”
Look at Malkin, or Kristol. Preposterous, puffing toads. All of them. What they write is of no consequence to them: it is only the act of writing that causes them, briefly, to exist again.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
August 26, 2009 at 9:35
In all of those Hollywood-ifications of torture inflicted by good guys there is a “ticking time bomb” scenario.
Jonah would attach electrodes to some hapless dude’s balls in order to find out the location of a hidden bag of cheeze-filled “Combos”.
The fact that Combos “cheese your hunger away” is central to my point.
Smut Clyde said,
August 26, 2009 at 11:30
Carlyle’s swipe at Swinburne seems increasingly appropriate.
Mr. Wonderful said,
August 26, 2009 at 16:01
Clam Afterbirth–
Jeez, for someone stoned, you write beautifully. Nice comment.
Another Luke said,
August 26, 2009 at 16:04
Smut Clyde said: “I have immanentised the e-shaton!”
Wow, nice double pun on a Voegelin reference. High-quality/low-percentage joke.
actor212 said,
August 26, 2009 at 16:26
Wow, nice double pun on a Voegelin reference. High-quality/low-percentage joke.
Immanuensis nothin’ yet!
fudu said,
August 30, 2009 at 8:33
Too late, but …
He’s not justifying it ’cause it’s in movies, he’s saying “we can get away with it” ’cause it’s in movies.
The justification is that right and wrong are matters for plebiscites conducted by box office gross plus video sales & rentals.
What’s that you say? Conservatives opposed to tyranny of the majority? Nah, what an idea! Worried about popular sensibilities coarsened by pandering mass culture? Heck, I can’t even spell those words. Where do they come up with this stuff?
All hail the glorious victorious judgment of the Viewing Class!