Feb
28
28
I Don’t Think Scientologists Would Like Me Very Much
From Rolling Stone’s excellent article on Scientology:
In [Dianetics], Hubbard denounced virtually every sexual practice that doesn’t directly relate to marriage and children. [...]
In auditing, Scientologists are frequently asked about their sexual thoughts or practices, particularly in the special auditing sessions called “security checks.” This process requires a church member to write down any break with the ethical code.
Hm, I wonder what they’d say about my ultimate fantasy of hiring a gang of lesbian biker midgets to beat me up while I’m wearing a chicken suit.
Come to think of it, I wonder what any normal person would say about something like that.
You guys can forget I mentioned this, right?
Patsy Cline said,
February 28, 2006 at 5:48
As Hubbard was quite consciously putting everyone on, I think it’s safe to lie to the Scientology recruiters.
teh l0zZz3r said,
February 28, 2006 at 5:49
Oopsie daisy.
Vladi G said,
February 28, 2006 at 5:49
Mentioned what?
Sifu Tweety said,
February 28, 2006 at 6:20
Subservient Chicken, your political acumen and willingness to devote large amounts of time to semi-popular humorous blogs belies your Burger King-hawking origins
Marq said,
February 28, 2006 at 6:36
Lesbian bikers? Chicken suit? No big deal, unless… was there chocolate cake involved?
Marq said,
February 28, 2006 at 6:40
Oh, BTW, I am rarely jealous of things people from blogs get to do that I don’t, e.g., John from Americablog getting to go to Amsterdam (well, OK, maybe a little). But, Wolcott went to the NYC premier of V for Vendetta. God, I’m jealous.
Dorothy said,
February 28, 2006 at 6:55
Brad, just don’t mention that fantasy in Texas.
Molly Ivins had a column years back where she chronicled the Texas sodomy law debate. Just before the legislature called for a vote, one fine statesman jumped up and said, “Wait! We forgot mouth to anus with a chicken!”
And since no one would admit they had no clue what the hell this guy was talking about, they put it in.
JK47 said,
February 28, 2006 at 9:41
Here is one of my favorite pages on the whole internet. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you:
The official Wikipedia entry about Xenu.
True story: I went on a date one time with a girl who was kind of an acquaintance. I always thought she was really cute. Anyway, about five minutes into the date, I made some joke about Scientology. She got the strangest angry look on her face. “It’s not bullshit,” she said in sort of a low but stern tone. I knew right then it was gonna be a long night.
JK47 said,
February 28, 2006 at 9:44
Damn, linky no worky. Let me try again:
Wikipedia entry about Xenu.
I think that should work. Enjoy.
zen_more said,
February 28, 2006 at 11:19
Um, my forgetting doesn’t come cheap, buddy-boy. Got Pay Pal?
Adorable Girlfriend said,
February 28, 2006 at 11:32
As long as you were dressed like the San Diego Chicken, it would be OK.
heydave said,
February 28, 2006 at 14:17
Don’t worry, Brad, it’s our secret. But just remember, someone has to work the camera, OK? Call me.
D. Sidhe said,
February 28, 2006 at 14:30
This would be why I got *mostly* nothin’ but love for Brad.
Viserys said,
February 28, 2006 at 16:03
In [Dianetics], Hubbard denounced virtually every sexual practice that doesn’t directly relate to marriage and children. [...]
Not going to make the obvious joke. NOT going to do it…must be strong…
Hysterical Woman said,
February 28, 2006 at 18:56
Is pedophillia okay then? (I have no shame)
dave128 said,
February 28, 2006 at 18:56
Thanks for that link, JK47.
Xenu is said to have dumped his surplus population around volcanoes like this one on Hawaii and blown them up with hydrogen bombs.
At the moment I can’t stop laughing at the thought that there are people that actually believe this. I think I’ll start crying soon. I mean really. Really!!
A crappy sci-fi writer comes up with a religion that sounds like a crappy sci-fi movie and you can only learn the bestest secrets if you give them lots and lots of money. Seriously, that sounds like the synopsis of a Simpsons episode.
Soylent Green said,
February 28, 2006 at 19:29
“Is pedophillia okay then? (I have no shame)”
Hubbard called Jesus a pedophile, which is interesting since he also claims Jesus is an implanted memory.
$cientology - Scum of the Universe.
Anonymous said,
February 28, 2006 at 19:48
Well didn’t Jesus beckon the little children to “cum unto him”?
Anne said,
February 28, 2006 at 20:21
Seriously, that sounds like the synopsis of a Simpsons episode.
Hold on to your butts: I do believe that Nancy Cartwright (the voice of Bart) and …the voice of Lisa (whatever her name is) are Scientologists.
Randomfactor said,
February 28, 2006 at 21:24
Exactly right about Nancy Cartwright, Anne. I don’t think so about Yeardley Smith.
Also the airhead Jenna Elfman.
Seriously, this is some of the SANER stuff coming out of $cientology. You guys don’t know about the Gorilla Goals yet…
Hubbard was a wife-abuser and child-abuser who had a real “thing” about “attempted abortions.” Misogynist to the core.
Soylent Green said,
February 28, 2006 at 22:44
“Well didn’t Jesus beckon the little children to “cum unto him”?”
Bukkake Jesus?
Sixpak Chopra said,
March 1, 2006 at 1:36
Brad,
If the Midget Lesbians are hot I think it’s OK.
Anonymous said,
March 1, 2006 at 2:46
I’ve worn a chicken suit. There is nothing erotic about it. Trust me.
Andrew A. Gill, SLS said,
March 1, 2006 at 3:00
I’m with Anonymous.
hiring a gang of lesbian biker midgets to beat me up while I’m wearing a chicken suit?
Depraved.
hiring a gang of lesbian biker midgets to beat me up while I’m wearing a CAT suit?
Teh sexy,
Andrew A. Gill, SLS said,
March 1, 2006 at 3:05
Don’t worry, Brad. My fantasies of having sex with women with unshaven legs probably trumps yours.
justme said,
March 1, 2006 at 5:53
I thought you looked familiar
Sean M said,
March 1, 2006 at 8:29
Come to think of it, I wonder what any normal person would say about something like that.
You guys can forget I mentioned this, right?
I’m not sure it’s a good idea to assume that normal people read this blog.
Timmah420 said,
March 1, 2006 at 20:51
What is it with religions where they think that private sexual thoughts need to be confessed to some sort of moral authority?
The whole thing just seems really creepy to me.
MCH said,
March 1, 2006 at 22:01
Timmah, it always struck me as Iron Age mind control.
Convince people to police their own thoughts and actions under threat of something very bad forthcoming from an invisible, inscrutable, unknowable, omnipotent and omnipresent being, and the king’s job gets much easier.
Get them to tell about their bad thoughts and deeds, and the king’s job gets easier still.
If they’re skeptical, tell ‘em that they’ll get those same consequences even if they ignore the whole rigmarole. Then cinch the deal with promises of eternal life and paradise.
It’s hard to deceive and dominate the people with all those freethinkers running around, questioning authority, using logic, breaking the natural rhythm of the goose step. Perhaps that’s why athiests rank with child molesters in the national psyche.
Marx was wrong. Religion is really the Ritalin of the masses. Sit down, shut up, write your name 100 times, and get to work. Good boy.