31
The Wang Dang Taffy-Apple Tango
ABOVE: Pat Boone (Click here for the uncensored NSFW version).
Pat “Junk in a Box” Boone has a new column up at Wingnut Daily about waterboarding. I don’t know about you, but when I have questions about waterboarding and other forms of torture I think there is no better expert than a washed-up pop singer.
Until a couple of years ago, “waterboarding” sounded like some kind of fun at the beach.
Unless, of course, you had ever read a book about the World War II war crime tribunals.
Thanks to much media exploitation, politically motivated accusations, certain criminally leaked classified information and of course some actual facts, the word “waterboarding” became synonymous with heinous, barbaric torture.
If you suspect that Boone is going to say heinous, barbaric torture is a good thing, well, you’ll be half-right. It’s a good thing when done to Muslims.
Almost ignored in all the anti-American clamor was the fact that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, confessed mastermind of the World Trade Center carnage, as a result of being “waterboarded” 130 times – with no lasting damage at all – finally divulged information that thwarted the destruction of the Brooklyn Bridge and saved an estimated 10,000 innocent lives! So the technique, harsh as it is, proved effective.
Sadly, of course, no! Iyman Faris, the person convicted of the Brooklyn Bridge plot, had, according to Bush’s own DOJ, abandoned his plot at the end of 2002, after deciding that his scheme to collapse the bridge by using a blow torch on the cables was unlikely to succeed. This was before Khalid Sheikh Mohammed had even been captured, much less waterboarded. Another difficulty with his plot would have been luring the “estimated 10,000″ people to stand on the bridge while the terrorists tried to melt the suspension cables with a blow torch.
But what’s good for the Muslim is bad for the Amurikun.
And now, whether expressly intended or not, America is being waterboarded!
The nation – its economy and political body – has been strapped down, blindfolded and hosed. A new administration, empowered by control of both houses of Congress and the most liberal president in history, is immersing us all in a torrent of debt. While we gasp for breath and try to cry “Time out!” we continue to be flooded with staggering commitments neither we nor our children have approved or will be able to fulfill
That may well be most preposterous extended metaphor since Britney Spears’s “Circus,” and Boone is only just getting wound up.
And now, while we’re strapped down by the Democrat-controlled Congress, gasping and gulping beneath a flood of strong-arm tactics, the “health reform” bill taking shape outlines a “minimum-benefits package” that will be universal – that is, required of every American’s insurance plan, whether provided by a private firm or by the government.
No! Please, stop! Don’t inundate me in more health care! I’ll say anything you want, just don’t pour anymore of the elimination of preexisting condition exclusion down my nose! I can’t breathe!! Oh, God, no! I’m choking on keeping my health insurance when I lose my job. I confess. I’m part of a cell that wants to change the name of Reagan National Airport back to National Airport and turn every Dunkin’ Donuts store into an abortion clinic. Just stop! I beg you. I’ll say anything.
farang said,
July 31, 2009 at 9:45
“I’m part of a cell that wants to change the name of Reagan National Airport back to National Airport and turn every Dunkin’ Donuts store into an abortion clinic. Just stop! I beg you. I’ll say anything.
I’m part of a competing cell: we want to change the name of Reagan National Airport back to Washington National Airport.
You know, that inferior George fella the GOP snubbed for an actor.
scythia said,
July 31, 2009 at 9:51
turn every Dunkin’ Donuts store into [blah blah blah whatever].
Sir, this abomination will not stand!
Tintin said,
July 31, 2009 at 9:51
We are part of the same cell. When I said “National Airport,” it’s what we in DC called it and what some of us still call it But the official name should be changed back to Washington National Airport.
commie atheist said,
July 31, 2009 at 9:51
Segundo.
commie atheist said,
July 31, 2009 at 9:52
Damn you, Tintin, you gay french bastard.
commie atheist said,
July 31, 2009 at 9:52
And you too, scythia.
scythia said,
July 31, 2009 at 9:53
And you too, scythia.
Quartauorto.
kingubu said,
July 31, 2009 at 9:58
Yep, democratically elected representatives using the legislative process to enact popularly supported policies that they explicitly campaigned on is exactly like being strapped to a board and drowned by a sadist.
Anyway, since we’re going to all the trouble of waterboarding America let’s at least try to make it confess to made-up links between al Qaeda and Saddam Hussein. Why break with tradition?
Enraged Bull Limpet said,
July 31, 2009 at 10:01
Octocalifragilisticexpialidocious!
This is indeed a boone for Republicans. Excellent news.
Enraged Bull Limpet said,
July 31, 2009 at 10:05
Damn you, kingubu — OK, nonacalifragilisticexpialidocious.
Johnny Pez said,
July 31, 2009 at 10:08
Now over in my cell, we’re out to rename the country the United Emirates of Mohammedland. It’s got a certain ring to it, don’t you think?
YOO EEE EMM! YOO EEE EMM!
commie atheist said,
July 31, 2009 at 10:21
Has Pat sued the guys from Saturday Night Live for infringing his copyright for Dick in a Box?
urdsama said,
July 31, 2009 at 10:22
Where is a good pop star overdose when you need one?
Oh, I forgot. Boone is not famous enough…
M. Bouffant said,
July 31, 2009 at 10:36
As yin to yang, or complete the circle complementary whatnot, Behold
Just Joe said,
July 31, 2009 at 10:45
So… waterboarding is ok…
…and Obama is bad because he’s metaphorically waterboarding us.
Zebbidie said,
July 31, 2009 at 10:52
I nearly drowned in a metaphor once.
tincture said,
July 31, 2009 at 10:53
Ahh Sadly No, eases the pain.
Chairman Meow said,
July 31, 2009 at 10:56
ok, so liberals are wimps cuz we don’t wanna torture moosleems.
but we’re also big strong bullies cuz we want to force health insurance down everyone’s throats.
who am iiiiiiiiii….
Just Joe said,
July 31, 2009 at 11:06
“who am iiiiiiiiii….”
John Galt!
(And yes, I know someone else made that exact same joke here last week. I don’t care.)
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
July 31, 2009 at 11:23
But the official name should be changed back to Washington National Airport.
How dare you. St. Ronnie’s name is sacred and must stay. I propose the airoirt be renamed to “Ronald Heroin Dealer Reagan National Airport” or “Reagan Gives Guns to Hezbollah While Training the Taliban National Airport” or “Reagan Sucks Sweaty Balls National Airport”.
JGabriel said,
July 31, 2009 at 11:24
The flood of strong-arm tactics will hurt you, but it’s the tornado of mixed metaphors that’ll kill ya.
.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
July 31, 2009 at 11:25
airoirt? Wow that’s some bad typnigs. Okay, coffee now – Sadly, No! later.
henry lewis said,
July 31, 2009 at 11:54
If the Geneva conventions weren’t so goddam quaint, there’d be a resolution or two against metaphorical waterboarding.
henry lewis said,
July 31, 2009 at 11:58
Insurance plans that provide minimum benefits. The horror!
Arky - Geek God said,
July 31, 2009 at 12:34
Smut Clyde said,
July 31, 2009 at 14:05
I nearly drowned in a metaphor once.
You’re only supposed to step in it once.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
July 31, 2009 at 14:10
it’s what we in DC called it and what some of us still call it
My whole fam damnily still calls it National Airport.
Personal Failure said,
July 31, 2009 at 14:43
“I’m part of a cell that wants to change the name of Reagan National Airport back to National Airport and turn every Dunkin’ Donuts store into an abortion clinic.”
The Atheist Army would like to remind its members that giving away classified information is treason. And whoever keeps leaving the Atheist Takeover Plan in public places for the writers at WND to find needs to stop that.
cowalker said,
July 31, 2009 at 15:05
at 14:43 Personal Failure said,
Not to mention the Gay Agenda!
thousands said,
July 31, 2009 at 15:05
But is he really going to be at Papa Joe’s tomorrow night?
Aaron said,
July 31, 2009 at 15:14
You’re only supposed to step in it once.
You cannot step in the same metaphor twice.
Interrobang said,
July 31, 2009 at 15:44
“A man’s reach must exceed his grasp; whatever is a metaphor,” said the Sherriff of Speechville, and ole Pat is way beyond his reach here…
satch said,
July 31, 2009 at 16:10
The Hose of Authority…man, I love that! Is that the American equivalent of the Orb and Scepter?
tigrismus said,
July 31, 2009 at 17:28
So waterboarding works and the president is waterboarding the country to force decent healthcare on us? Well then, helloooo, nurse!
Mr. Wonderful said,
July 31, 2009 at 17:36
Oh, come on, Pat. Man up. Once universal health care is in place, there will be no lasting damage at all.
owlbear1 said,
July 31, 2009 at 18:06
Has Pat sued the guys from Saturday Night Live for infringing his copyright for Dick in a Box?
I’m a bit shocked Boone has already added it to his long string of stolen ‘hit’ songs. Of course, he would re-record it as “Dork in a box” and dump the base-line for a piano.
itwasntme said,
July 31, 2009 at 18:12
Isn’t this asshole dead yet? My favorite story about Boone is when Rock Hudson had just died of AIDs, and Boone forced his way to the deathbed with some pals of his and tried to resurrect him. I’m not kidding.
gocart mozart said,
July 31, 2009 at 18:25
Click on these links if you want to know what it feels like to be musically waterboarded!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9sfatiRpFMM&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z8dx0oE–VI
jim said,
July 31, 2009 at 18:37
Seems poor ol’ Pat didn’t exactly get a major boon from his ma & pa now, did he?
Also, P33N0R.
OneMan said,
July 31, 2009 at 18:52
“…helloooo, nurse!”
This is just about the last thing I’d expect to
hearsee from a woman’smouthkeyboard.Tig, I swoon.
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
July 31, 2009 at 19:18
Click on these links if you want to know what it feels like to be musically waterboarded!
O like BLT doesn’t hang out here already. We’re used to it.
Straw Man said,
July 31, 2009 at 21:09
Are you people accusing Ray Charles of stealing white music when he covers “Something”? Is Aretha Franklin a race thief when she covers “Hey Jude”? As usual, the only racists here are the blacks!!!1?11!!¡¡¡11???!!!!11?!
Dain Brammaged said,
July 31, 2009 at 21:15
Pat Boone the Dennis Miller of singers.
Dr. Psycho said,
July 31, 2009 at 21:36
Barack Hussein Obama is “the most liberal President in history” if you count history as beginning on 20 January 2001.
For crying out sake, he’s to the right of Clinton, who was the right of JFK, who was to the right of FDR, who was not a socialist.
Would it be a Godwin’s violation to say that calling President Obama “the most liberal President in history” is a Big Lie?
The Goddamn Batman Thought That He Comported Himself Well In Roger And Me, As Well said,
July 31, 2009 at 21:42
Honestly, Boone sort of permanently lost his chance to be known as anything other than some asshole who continues to draw breath while Frank Zappa is still dead when he somehow neglected to die of autoerotic asphyxiation directly after his release of In A Metal Mood.
gocart mozart said,
July 31, 2009 at 23:29
“Would it be a Godwin’s violation to say that calling President Obama “the most liberal President in history” is a Big Lie?”
No.
All Democratic presidents are the most liberal in history. Bill Clinton was falsely called the most liberal President in history and certainly if Hillary had been elected she would have been too. The next Democratic President will be the most liberal in history, also.
Robert Waldmann said,
July 31, 2009 at 23:53
“Another difficulty with his plot would have been luring the “estimated 10,000? people to stand on the bridge while the terrorists tried to melt the suspension cables with a blow torch.”
I don’t know about the other estimated 9.999 people but, quite frankly, if someone tried to bring down the Brooklyn Bridge with a blowtorch I’d be eager to watch. Hell I’d pay for tickets. This is just one of the many differences between Iyman Faris and Pat Boone (although I might pay to hear Debbie Boone sing “You light up my blow torch, and fill my nights with … (I forget the rest)).
LanceThruster said,
August 1, 2009 at 0:53
What Boone did to Little Richard’s “Tutti Frutti” was clearly torture (drained it of every bit of spark it had) and he should be punished severely.
slippytoad said,
August 1, 2009 at 1:46
And Pat Boone knows fuck-all about — what, exactly?
Tehanu said,
August 1, 2009 at 3:31
Dragon-King, that should be “Reagan Sucks Schwetty Balls National Airport”.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
August 1, 2009 at 4:44
turn every Dunkin’ Donuts store into an abortion clinic
So much for the Munchkins.
Mongo said,
August 1, 2009 at 5:10
Holy Gene Simmons — is this the same Pat Boone, telling us that the dirty fucking hippies Have Another Thing Coming — that there’s Smoke On The Water over health care in America?
The Right believes in hard work; that It’s A Long Way To The Top (If You Wanna Rock ‘N Roll) — but at least we don’t have a health-care system like Canada, or Panama! If we did… it would be Enter Sandman for everybody!
Well, Pat says — No More Mr. Nice Guy! Wingnuts believe in Tough Love — and as always with the Right, Love Hurts. The DFH’s can cry about “Public Option” until The Wind Cries Mary.
Pat is good; Pat is wise. Pat knows that in the end, going that way is a Crazy Train towards Obamacommunism — and not a Stairway To Heaven that will take us to Paradise City — Pat’s ‘Shining City On A Hill’ — like the blessed Bush years, where all our heads were tilted back, and everyone’s face covered with a soggy towel.
RvB said,
August 1, 2009 at 12:56
A fap fap aloopap a fap fap fap
Teenie peenie
All reetie
Teenie peenie
All reetie
Teeenie peenie
All reetie
A fap fap aloopap a fap fap fap
There’s a choad
named Boone
Don’t know what he’s doin’
There’s a choad
named Boone
Don’t know what he’s doin’
Sayin that health care’s
like waterboard
STFU and go praise the lord
Teenie peenie all reetie
Fap fap a loo pap a fap fap fap
Doug Watts said,
August 2, 2009 at 0:38
Wow, another toilet photoshop.