14
The Following Post Takes Place Between 9 P.M. and 10 P.M.
24 live-blogging! With updated stats! Starting… now!
“Yeah, yeah, so I had to blow up his car… what, he was a cobag! He deserved it, beeee-yotch!”
So before we head into tonight’s carnage, let me update you on Jack’s season so far:
Kills: 11
Tortures: 2
Government Officials Beaten: 4
Pre-Interrogation Suicides: 3
Bonus stats:
Terrorist Plots Foiled by Ex-Hobbits: 1
Number of Ex-Hobbits Roughed Up by Their Crackwhore Sisters: 1
Bad Guys Killed by Underaged Russian Sex Slaves: 1
9:13 p.m.- Gee, Jack, that kidnapping wasn’t too predictable or anything.
9:32 p.m.- I hate, hate, hate Charles Logan. Worse than Bush. Much, much worse than Bush.
9:35 p.m.- Did the terrorists really just handcuff Jack to a goddamn table leg? How freaking stupid can they be?
9:39 p.m.- Fun fact: after getting clocked repeatedly in the nogin, t takes Jack an average of two minutes to regain consciousness.
9:41 p.m.- Aaaaand we have our first kill. Jack broke the mofo’s neck with his thighs. Tre sexxxxxy!!!
9:57 p.m.- Tonight’s stats: one kill, one pre-interrogation suicide. Not a bad episode. It’s gotten gradually better ever since the truly terrible Week 4.
Grotesqueticle said,
February 14, 2006 at 3:36
I found your site after googling “underage russian sex slaves.”
I feel cheated.
Brad R. said,
February 14, 2006 at 3:37
I feel cheated.
Maybe I can get Dr. BLT to put on some sexy lingiere. Would that help?
verplanck colvin said,
February 14, 2006 at 4:04
Terrorist plots enabled by former hobbits: 1
w00t!
Timmah420 said,
February 14, 2006 at 4:11
Maybe I can get Dr. BLT to put on some sexy lingiere. Would that help?
That doesen’t fucking help anything… ever!
Brad R. said,
February 14, 2006 at 4:16
That doesen’t fucking help anything… ever!
Well it could, if you look at it like… uhm… hm… OK, I can’t think of anything to back up my argument. Even so, I think the original point stands.
(I’ve been taking lessons from the Jonah Goldberg school of debate… can you tell?)
norbizness said,
February 14, 2006 at 4:40
Please folks, refer to him as “former asthmatic Goonie.” And there’d be a government official tortured into suicide by a crack-addicted underage russian sex slave by 2 pm, or I’m giving up on this show.
Red and Black said,
February 14, 2006 at 4:43
To make up for all this, they should replace their primetime programming with reruns of “Danger Man” for, oh, a year or two.
Doctor Biobrain said,
February 14, 2006 at 5:53
I’m with Grotesqueticle. Hell, I’d just be happy to get some overaged Russian sex slaves. But I’ve been coming to this site for almost half a year now and you guys haven’t produced zilch.
This is the worst pornsite ever!
Ron Mexico said,
February 14, 2006 at 7:44
Hell, I’d settle for naked Chloe.
Or some hobbit-on-hobbit action.
I believe I've already answered that said,
February 14, 2006 at 8:42
I’ve been a bad man and I need to be interrogated. Any time during the day is fine except during the gaggle. Love, Scotty.
Marq said,
February 14, 2006 at 9:34
Somebody’s misses JeffyLube. Awwww….
Marq said,
February 14, 2006 at 10:37
While you guys are wasting your time watching bad Tee Vee shows, s.z. is scooping you about Marie Jon”s new website, and she’s not even poaching Marie away from you guys since she’s doing it via a crappy Guy Adams column. So, get to work–Marie’s new site sounds faboo–since it features a cornucopia of feminine wingnuttery, featuring such writers as “Barbara Anderson, Felicia Benamon, Kaye Grogan, Sharon Hughes, Resa Kirkland, Nancy Salvato, Barbara Stock, Joan Swirsky, and Sher Zieve.” Awesome. The girl certainly knows how to cut-and-paste!
blowback said,
February 14, 2006 at 11:02
I know it is just television but I reckon that ’24′ may be a major cause of terrorist attacks on the US. Any jihadist watching it, is likely to come to the view that the US security forces are a bunch of stupid dumb fucks and that the only reason the terrorists are defeated is because they are even stupider, dumber fuckers. So jihadist says to himself as I am a terrorist with an IQ just into three digits, I will really be able to outwit the US security services. Particularly as they a bunch of venal arse lickers who would put their daughters on the street to get ahead or cover their arses.
Kodos423 said,
February 14, 2006 at 11:14
Having just watched seasons 1 through 4 on DVD, all I can say is this: Jack Bauer is the Jesus of mayhem.
blowback said,
February 14, 2006 at 12:07
But he fucks up so often it is adversely affecting my blood pressure!
Gus said,
February 14, 2006 at 16:41
You should add a new stat, plot holes you could drive a truck through. Lost track of the number on this episode.
Goat Boy said,
February 14, 2006 at 16:42
The grandson of Tommy Douglas starring in a show that at the least makes arguments for torture. For a paycheck.
In related news, on Thursday my mailbox contained a personalized picture of President Wetbrain. It is addressed to Eugene V. Debs, thanking him for his support for the Republican Party and President Claudius. For some reason my all-in-one demands full ink cartridges of me in order to scan. Once I refinance my house and sell some plasma to buy a few ounces of fucking toner I’ll put it up on our myspace.
Brad R. said,
February 14, 2006 at 17:03
You should add a new stat, plot holes you could drive a truck through.
I wouldn’t be able to follow the rest of the show if I had to keep track of those.
markg said,
February 14, 2006 at 18:44
number of people condemned to horrible deaths on the off chance that the ass’t terrorists will lead Jack’s cohorts back to the head guy, although said cohorts are not sufficiently numerous or smart enough to cover the exits of a shopping mall where said ass’t terrorists are hanging out: 900
number of craven,dishonest disasterously incompetent presidents: 1 (or 2, if we’re still talking about 24 as well)
Singularity said,
February 14, 2006 at 21:45
Dude, Jack Bauer has killed eleven people on the show this season? Isn’t the whole thing supposed to take place in one day? He’s friggin’ spree killer.
GuinnessGuy said,
February 14, 2006 at 22:50
You mean he’s a fuckin’ piz-imp!
Jack wouldn’t shoot his hunting partner in the face with quailshot- he’d do it with slug, and the partner would be an undercover terrorist sent to kill him!
Otto Man said,
February 14, 2006 at 23:51
Jack Bauer has nothing on Dick Cheney.
Dick Cheney shot a man in Waco, just to watch him die.
GuinnessGuy said,
February 15, 2006 at 0:49
Sure, I mean, Jack doesn’t need to torture pupplies in order to acheive an erection, but at least he’s forthright- Cheney’s conniving, behind the scenes violent.
Tom Allen said,
February 15, 2006 at 15:36
Now, see, Dangermouse could have foiled all these plots in LESS than 24 hours. But then, he did have good old reliable Penfield to back him up.
GoatBoy said,
February 16, 2006 at 16:07
Not to mention Penfold as well.
Viserys said,
February 16, 2006 at 18:03
Number of amazingly stupid terrorists who felt the need to walk up to Jack Bauer and shoot him point-blank even though they were about to release weapons-grade nerve gas into a room where he was lying, immobilized and with no gas mask: 1.
Number of gas masks the above terrorists were wearing, which Bauer would not have been able to take had they not walked over to him: 1
Number of above terrorists who got exactly what was coming to them: 1
Random Guy said,
February 20, 2006 at 3:54
DangerMouse was great. Did anyone watch ‘Duckula’, which was done by the same people?
Rob W said,
February 21, 2006 at 17:32
I’ve never been to secret agent school, but isn’t it a bad idea to stand within 10 feet of a burning car? Don’t they sometimes explode?
big butt said,
May 21, 2006 at 17:19
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