Jul
21
21
Eeeeewww, Gross!
Shorter Sarah Knoploh:
Sarah Knoploh, News Blusters
Unhappy Humpday
- Gay male sex is super icky and a movie about two allegedly [air quotes] straight [air quotes] guys who have sex for a porn movie contest is yet another example of the elite homo-loving cocktail party crowd’s oppression of straight males. who, as a result of this film, now will be like totally afraid to leave their homes to go see a movie.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Thomas said,
July 21, 2009 at 9:29
Y’know, “Brokeback Mountain,” “Hedwig and the Angry Inch,” and “The Fluffer,” didn’t put me off movies. This won’t either.
“Passion of the Christ,” on the other hand, that almost drove me away from the cineplex for good.
Galactic Dustbin said,
July 21, 2009 at 9:32
Oh surly uptight college girl. You had me at ’super icky’.
Auguste said,
July 21, 2009 at 9:45
The fact that she quite obviously did not see the film really solidifies the fact that Newsbusters is the perfect and, indeed, the only possible venue for her “writing.”
stryx said,
July 21, 2009 at 9:48
Dehydrated shorter:
* Gay male sex is super… and a movie about two… guys who have sex for a porn movie contest… is another example of …homo-loving …of straight males who… will leave their homes to go see a movie.
Christopher said,
July 21, 2009 at 9:56
Is that her mug shot?
Anyway, I love that conservative punditry over at NewsBusters has become so formulaic that it no longer needs to actually express the views of the pundit.
The whole article is just her rephrasing random quotes from film people in slightly less flattering terms. Actually, let me try:
Ah, “Ah, hard-wired homobphobia! Of course.” Of course.
It sure beats working, but I bet after repeating it so many times “homophobia” doesn’t even sound like a real word anymore.
stryx said,
July 21, 2009 at 10:05
Evaporated shorter:
“To guys everywhere… contemplate the… homophobic culture. Think of Judd Apatow or Kevin Smith.”
Ah, …! Of course.
noen said,
July 21, 2009 at 10:12
Harry Potter and the half blood Prince has made me afraid to leave the house and see another movie. About the only thing that would help me is if every single person involved in that horror of a movie were strung up.
Bill E Pilgrim said,
July 21, 2009 at 10:24
Yep, movies about gay people are kinda fashionable, or even movies about unequivocally straight guys exploring the boundaries and whether sex acts make you gay or not (not) if you’re secure in your sexuality, or issues about whether watching such things makes you uncomfortable, all of that.
One thing that’s decidedly NOT fashionable right now is being a Republican.
They hate that.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
July 21, 2009 at 11:24
Amen sistah! Where the hell are straight guys in popular culture? There is nones. I dare you to name just one teevee show or movee with a straight guy innit. Or that portrays any sort of heterosexual relationship. You can’t, ’cause dere ain’t no such thang.
Dear Sarah,
It may seem to you like there are no straight guys around, but I’m sure your non-batshit crazy friends will tell you that they get hot on all the time. I don’t mean this to be harsh
actually yes I dobut the entire gender, well we’re just not that into you.Sincerely,
Dragon-King Wangchuck
M. Bouffant said,
July 21, 2009 at 11:26
Are they (Why single out Mlle., it’s the same old old Same place from all of ‘em.) trying to be funny or something w/ this:
Bitter, surly & hung-over, party of one!
And. of course, this:
What kind of mustard are they putting on that arugula? Are the “Pols” having a “cocktail party?” Is God-Emperor Obama going to make us eat arugula?
Let me know when the stiffie-pill ads here in Bizarro World have two middle-aged gentlemen making goo-goo eyes at each other in an antique shop (pardon the cliche) or when Vogue & Glamour do 300 glossy pp. on “Denim for Dykes” & “Make-Up That Makes You Even Butcher.” (Pardon those cliches too, I’m trying to belabor a point here.)
It does look like Sarah’s a mere blogger, not one of Dr. Zaius’s paid professionals, so this must’ve come out her own evil little brain, but when you get right down to it, what’s the big deal w/ this flick? Someone makes an “indie” movie that won’t be seen by even close to a million Yanquis, a few “smart” critics will go on about homophobia & whatnot (Who the hell has paid any attention to whichever hack is dissecting movies for TIME© & Newsweek, in the last X yrs.?) & then, bingo, nothing will have changed, besides Sarah yelling “Stop!” at history for a few moments.
Isn’t Debbie Schlussel the only “movie critic” who has to stand in line for popcorn? At the free radio station screenings? For which she compensates by screaming at people who, unlike her, have children & families.
M. Bouffant said,
July 21, 2009 at 11:29
Do not let trivial matters like a time-stamp confuse anyone as to who may have had any ideas first.
stryx said,
July 21, 2009 at 11:56
Sweetened condensed shorter:
Here’s another answer:… being unambiguous…is the orientation that dare not speak its name.
jon said,
July 21, 2009 at 12:21
As a heterosexual man, I appreciate her efforts to save me from possibly getting offended by the incredibly icky image of two people having sex without a single vulva getting in the way (damnit, Kate Winslet: your Oscar made you unable to show your muff in every movie ever made!) But as a thinking man, I might enjoy a movie about some dudes who explore their friendship. Probably won’t see this one, but thanks to this lady and her cultural concern troll brethren I’m much more likely to see it on dvd.
N__B said,
July 21, 2009 at 12:30
being unambiguous…is the orientation that dare not speak its name.
True. I’m ashamed that I can only jerk off with one hand.
Bill E Pilgrim said,
July 21, 2009 at 12:50
True. I’m ashamed that I can only jerk off with one hand.
What is the sound of one hand fapping?
I think the applicable word here is amphibious, which means a wingnut can lie out of either side of the mouth.
N__B said,
July 21, 2009 at 12:53
I think the applicable word here is amphibious
I thought that was one of those ancient greek wine jars. You probably meant ambitious, which is wingnut sex play involving teeth.
Sheesh said,
July 21, 2009 at 12:54
Hey everyone,
Check out this blast from the past — Sulli and Naomi on Maher (giggle!). He just gets so mad, it’s worth a laugh. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snvUA_smXwo
(You can skip the end, it derails into magical thinking.)
Ted the Slacker said,
July 21, 2009 at 12:59
Can I just say that I feel so much more hetero and secure with the knowledge that prudish wingnut women are looking out for me.
Also, Indie media would be so awesome if it produced films devoid of irony.
The Tragically Flip said,
July 21, 2009 at 12:59
You know, Hollywood should give some serious thought to a genre of pro-gay anti-family movies that are designed to upset wingnuts. Its time to stop pissing them off incidentally while trying to tell good stories, and just go after them on purpose.
Just a few movies like this, to make the point. If conservatives ran Hollywood, movies that pissed off liberals would be all they ever made, so I’d like to see what a movie calculated to piss off wingnuts would look like.
Andy Bartlett said,
July 21, 2009 at 13:15
I have to say, the funniest comment so far is this one by Chris Norman:
“”Bromance”? Yikes. Gee, I must remember to run this concept by my buddies some time. Yeah, and see how long it takes to get beaten up….”
Putting aside that it seems the homophobia of Chris Norman’s social group is so extreme that they’d beat up straight men for being close friends with another man, does Chris see that he is providing evidence that supports the director of Humpday, who says “straight men are really invested in being assured they’re straight. There seems to be anxiety about that”.
stryx said,
July 21, 2009 at 13:15
True. I’m ashamed that I can only jerk off with one hand.
Use both hands.
Put the bi in am*BI*guous.
Bill E Pilgrim said,
July 21, 2009 at 13:16
You probably meant ambitious, which is wingnut sex play involving teeth.
I think “ambient” is the word she was looking for, though I think all these dictionaries telling me that “i” is there are wrong.
Ambedextrous means you like white and brown sugar, right?
(Handing you a straight line, note). (Oh. And another.)
El Cid said,
July 21, 2009 at 13:17
Andrew Sullivan hates Naomi Klein because she’s an actual leftist and Andrew Sullivan has of course the loyal aristocratic right to freak out and rage against leftists because leftists are Not Serious and are the worst ever threat to humanity and just because people like Andrew Sullivan get all happy and enthusiastic about stupid and wrong wars and worship idiot pin-head leaders until they’re unpopular doesn’t reverse that.
N__B said,
July 21, 2009 at 13:17
Use both hands.
I tried once. But it reminded me of batting practice and the next thing I knew my vase was broken.
N__B said,
July 21, 2009 at 13:20
Ambedextrous means you like white and brown sugar, right?
I’m not sure. Mick Jagger is regularly amphitheater and he only goes for the brown.
Arky - Geek God said,
July 21, 2009 at 13:29
Alternate shorter beady-eyed critter: Every guy I hit on announces he’s gay and flees the vicinity. THIS IS ALL HOLLYWOOD’S FAULT!
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
July 21, 2009 at 13:36
Do not let trivial matters like a time-stamp confuse anyone…
It’s true, we both copied off of Substance McGravitas.
Oh and from the TIME article that Knob-loh quoted:
Heh heh. Squirm in the best possible way. Heh.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
July 21, 2009 at 13:48
Shakespeare wrote plays in unambic straight-ameter:
Cargo said,
July 21, 2009 at 13:57
Is that really her picture?? Talk about bershon. She’s totally going “You are SO immature.”
Cargo said,
July 21, 2009 at 14:02
Oh good lord it is. Wow, what a fun bunch of heterosexual future leaders. Cept the guy in front with the raised eyebrow. A little too flamboyant if you know what I mean.
King Kot of the Kuba Kingdom said,
July 21, 2009 at 14:18
After watching “Cloverfield” I was loath to leave my house lest a giant ogre-like monster stomp me into putty.
Fortunately I just watched “Iron Man”, so I know how to deal with a situation like that.
*sigh*
Has anyone tried to explain to Mizz Sarah that writers of movies sometimes just, you know, make stuff up for a plot and that’s called “fiction” and it’s perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed about?
N__B said,
July 21, 2009 at 14:20
After watching “Cloverfield” I was loath to leave my house lest a giant ogre-like monster stomp me into putty.
Really? The lesson I learned was that when a monster is downtown, you head uptown to the Harlem River bridges.
Ted the Slacker said,
July 21, 2009 at 14:31
Wow, what a fun bunch of heterosexual future leaders.
Just want to point out that if you block out their heads and examine from the chest down, you wouldn’t be able to figure who were the dudes and who were the dudettes.
Sorry for lowering the tone and going cave-man hetero here, but I figure that if hetero-credibility is central to all points, best I come out with a vault copy testosterone argument. Also.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
July 21, 2009 at 14:35
The fact that she quite obviously did not see the film…
She didn’t even read the review she quoted.
Her entire argument is that movie critics and filmakers are totally peer-pressured by the lefty-biased media culture to celebrate Teh Ghey. That eating arugula is just like eating PENIS – it’s super popular amongst teh coastal elites who are all la-de-cosmopolitan-dah.
And yet, you have to click through on the TIME link to get this:
Or, the NYTimes review
IOW – she stole her argument from the plot of the movie, as revealed in the reviews she quotes – only she takes the argument as a serious threat to society. It is just barely possible that this entire thing is a super-brilliant, complex, recursively referencing bit of zen-satire, in which case, Brava Sarah – you trolled me good. Otherwise, I have this to say:
Hey Knob-loh! You. Are. Too. Square. For. Watching. Movies.
The Tragically Flip said,
July 21, 2009 at 14:40
. A little too flamboyant if you know what I mean.
Being secretly or quietly gay never hurts ones career as a republican. Just ask Ken Mehlman, David Brock or Lindsey Graham.
I think they rather like gays who are willing to subvert themselves in service to an ideology that hates their very existence. Sadists enjoying the company of masochists.
Danny Mason Keener said,
July 21, 2009 at 14:45
Well. Judging from reviews I’ve read online the movie does sound cloying and tedious. It sounds like a big wad of “OMG LOOK AT ME!@” aimed squarely at the demographic with second hand jackets and third hand aesthetics, who live their lives impersonating what they imagine a cool person would do or say.
Its best hope is that public prudes like this make enough noise screeching and dry heaving at the mere thought of two guys having sex that it entices their mirror images on the other side of the culture to yell “GAYS! THAT IS SO COOL!” and run to their local art film theater.
Also, if the poor girl would just watch the film (or even read a review written by somebody who did watch the film from start to finish) it might ease her mind, as it’s my understanding the guys never get around to screwing each other.
Till said,
July 21, 2009 at 14:46
Really? The lesson I learned was that when a monster is downtown, you head uptown to the Harlem River bridges.
Midtown! Not downtown, except briefly near the beginning. I remember getting all pissy about the stupid kids when I saw Cloverfield. Working from memory here, they rescue whatsherface from Columbus Circle, then cut across midtown (where Godzilla has been going smashy smashy, and where they know is going to be bombed very soon) to get to a helicopter. They coulda shoulda gone straight from Columbus Circle to the subway, and walked through the 1 tunnel, as you say uptown, skirting west of Central Park up up up a few miles until you get to the Bronx.
Now I have to get back to stocking up on supplies for surviving the inevitable zombie apocalypse.
N__B said,
July 21, 2009 at 14:48
up up up a few miles until you get to the Bronx.
My secret monster-escape route: the pedestrian bridge to Randall’s Island. People who live a block from it can’t find it, what are the odds Godzilla-lite could?
Ted the Slacker said,
July 21, 2009 at 14:52
Dragon-King, must thank you for a bottomless cup of Win this morning.
Shorter Bobo Brooks today, for anyone interested:
Obama’s only allowed to fix what we fucked up, otherwise the country gives us another chance to fuck everything up. Bookmark this.
Clem said,
July 21, 2009 at 14:54
‘Knoploh’ is a contraction of Knox-Blox and Play-Doh, of which she is made.
shaun said,
July 21, 2009 at 15:12
With a girl this homophobic, you know she would freak out if you asked her to stick her finger up your butt while she was giving you head.
On an unrelated topic, what’s a good way to ask a girl to stick her finger up your butt while she’s giving you head? A girl you like, I mean.
SteveB said,
July 21, 2009 at 15:16
the ones Pols would be caught eating arugula with…
Incidentally, I brought home some arugula from my garden yesterday. And did I mention it’s a community garden? That’s right, I grow my arugula on a collective farm owned by the state!
Those coastal elites pay extra for that stuff.
And am I wrong to think that, if this was 1972, she’d be going on about those wacky leftists who eat yogurt? Bookmark this, Sarah: Your kids (if you ever have any) will eat arugula and like it.
N__B said,
July 21, 2009 at 15:18
On an unrelated topic, what’s a good way to ask a girl to stick her finger up your butt while she’s giving you head?
Tell her that if both your eyes come up “BAR” she’ll win $10,000 in nickles.
creature said,
July 21, 2009 at 15:24
Knob-blow just can’t get a grip on her being just some dude’s alternative to masturbation, if she’s lucky, and he has low standards. Personally, I don’t fuck anyone crazier than me. Besides, it’s just a movie- the only people who should take it serious are the investors, ’cause, you know, PROFIT!!!!
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
July 21, 2009 at 15:27
so I’d like to see what a movie calculated to piss off wingnuts would look like.
I would guess it would be a movie where people live their lives, have drama, or adventures, or silly hijinx, without any concern for whether their actions are sufficiently supportive of Randian ideology, regardless of what a few fringe whackaloons insist on reading into every damn thing they encounter…
you know, kind of like EVERY DAMN MOVIE BEING MADE. Except for An American Carol, of course.
Otherwise, any movie by Michael Moore.
Michael G. said,
July 21, 2009 at 15:31
Apropos of nothing, I just read this quote by Ruth Bader Ginsburg:
Those are some big shoes to fill.
actor212 said,
July 21, 2009 at 15:31
oppression of straight males. who, as a result of this film, now will be like totally afraid to leave their homes to go see a movie.
Yes, because teh ghey is like swine flu…
Darth Revan said,
July 21, 2009 at 15:39
Wow. These people have taken the ‘ick factor’ to an art form – specifically, to something resembling an Andy Warhol silkscreen photocopy.
Also – me and Carth? Completely not gay. Really. Even though he does look fine with his slicked-up hair and thin beard. And even though I wear a mask and a cape. And a skirt. And lots and lots of black leather.
Steerpike said,
July 21, 2009 at 15:46
what’s a good way to ask a girl to stick her finger up your butt while she’s giving you head?
Same way you get conservatives to do anything–tell her it irritates liberals!
The Tragically Flip said,
July 21, 2009 at 15:47
I would guess it would be a movie where people live their lives, have drama, or adventures, or silly hijinx, without any concern for whether their actions are sufficiently supportive of Randian ideology, regardless of what a few fringe whackaloons insist on reading into every damn thing they encounter…
Ha, I am well answered. It’s likely that a movie designed to annoy them would annoy them less than movies made without concern to them, because being ignored annoys them more than almost anything else.
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
July 21, 2009 at 15:55
“Fringe Whackaloons” would make a CRAPPY band name.
Unless it was a polka band.
jim said,
July 21, 2009 at 16:17
That picture of her sure doesn’t make ME feel very heterosexual. I may be perverted, but I’m sure as hell not that perverted.
You can almost see the little thought-balloon – “1. Acquire sniper-rifle & ammo. 2. Find church-tower. 3. Wait for rush-hour.”
Eek.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
July 21, 2009 at 16:26
Speaking of teh dirty buttsecks:
BUT IT’S TOTALLY NAWT GHEY!!11one! Even when I ask her to wear teh Ronald Reagan mask.
Professor Fate said,
July 21, 2009 at 16:27
The lesson I learned from Cloverfield was that if you’re in a subway tunnel and ats start stampeding past you. Don’t look back to see what’s chasing them – that’s not your job – your job is run faster than the rats.
King Kot of the Kuba Kingdom said,
July 21, 2009 at 16:30
Now I have to get back to stocking up on supplies for surviving the inevitable zombie apocalypse.
I live next door (well, down the street, anyway) to a graveyard. Moral: DUDE I AM SO FUCKED
Then again, for all your zombie plague needs, one word – big box stores. Wal-Mart has groceries, guns and only a couple easily defended entrances. Moral: IN EVENT OF ZOMBIES GO TO THE BAD PLACE
King Kot of the Kuba Kingdom said,
July 21, 2009 at 16:34
That picture of her sure doesn’t make ME feel very heterosexual. I may be perverted, but I’m sure as hell not that perverted.
She looks like Sarah Michelle Gellar with a bad case of gas.
Rusty Shackleford said,
July 21, 2009 at 16:35
So gay movies will destroy opposite movies?
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
July 21, 2009 at 16:35
TtS,
Flattery will get you random OT comments.
via Benen via Eschaton:
Pantload fuckes up in three words or less.
Jonathon Chait’s closing graf should have been prefaced with “Shorter Every Conservative:”
pedestrian said,
July 21, 2009 at 16:45
Everything has to be about straight white males, doesn’t it? Every time somebody else starts to get a little attention, they have to jump in screaming, but what about MEEE???!!!
Eminem was bad enough, but this is ridiculous.
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
July 21, 2009 at 16:48
#
King Kot of the Kuba Kingdom said,
July 21, 2009 at 16:30 (kill)
Now I have to get back to stocking up on supplies for surviving the inevitable zombie apocalypse.
I live next door (well, down the street, anyway) to a graveyard. Moral: DUDE I AM SO FUCKED
I told actor: I don’t eat client brains. So alls you need to do is hire me….
Then again, for all your zombie plague needs, one word – big box stores. Wal-Mart has groceries, guns and only a couple easily defended entrances. Moral: IN EVENT OF ZOMBIES GO TO THE BAD PLACE
hehe. THAT’S WHAT WE WANT YOU TO THINK. A couple of easily defended entrances MADE OF GLASS. Plus, the roof.
Also, what if you can only make it to a Best Buy? Also.
The Rainbow Batman Welcomes All His Straight Sisters To This Cinematic Buttseckstravaganza said,
July 21, 2009 at 16:49
While Sarah is whining about the poor beleaguered straight man, probably every other straight woman I know (literally) will be lining up at the theater, wearing short skirts and carrying heavy sweatshirts to put in their laps during the fun parts. Me, I’ll be hanging out in the Batcave reviewing select sections of Bound, Wild Side, When Night Is Falling… Netflix is good to me.
N__B said,
July 21, 2009 at 16:51
Then again, for all your zombie plague needs, one word – big box stores.
Fuck that. High-rises. Two egress stairs – easily blocked – and zombies are not known for their dedication to the Stairmaster.
Brent Baker-Bozell said,
July 21, 2009 at 16:53
I’d do her.
Warner Todd Huston-Bozell said,
July 21, 2009 at 16:56
I’d do Brent Baker for a porn movie contest.
OneMan said,
July 21, 2009 at 17:01
“Moral: IN EVENT OF ZOMBIES GO TO THE BAD PLACE”
Wait, how’re you going to get her to stick her finger up your butt with zombies shambling toward you?
King Kot of the Kuba Kingdom said,
July 21, 2009 at 17:08
Wait, how’re you going to get her to stick her finger up your butt with zombies shambling toward you?
Tell her that all zombies, being brain-dead, are OBVIOUSLY liberals hurr hurr hurr.
Showing such a fine sense of subtle conservative humor should get her all squishy in a hurry, zombies or not.
Steerpike said,
July 21, 2009 at 17:09
“Moral: IN EVENT OF ZOMBIES GO TO THE BAD PLACE”
Actually, given the nature of Wal-Mart as a place of employemnt, I would assume a zombie outbreak would have originated there. Sure it looks secure, defensible and well stocked for long-term survival, but IT’S A TRAP!! They’re coming out of the breakroom, still wearing their blue “May I Help You?” vests OMG RUN!!
Arky4That1 said,
July 21, 2009 at 17:10
EEEEEEEWWWW, GROSS squared.
PeeJ said,
July 21, 2009 at 17:15
I see what he did there. Well played.
PeeJ said,
July 21, 2009 at 17:15
Tintin? Do you have a picture of Sarah before the meth abuse?
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
July 21, 2009 at 17:19
zombies are not known for their dedication to the Stairmaster.
Fuck.
NB has my number.
PeeJ said,
July 21, 2009 at 17:21
Sarah: …benighted, homophobic men
They only go out to smoke pole after dark?
PeeJ said,
July 21, 2009 at 17:23
Also, I must say that Sarah doesn’t know nutten ’bout da ghey sex. It’s only icky when it’s really really good. It’s rarely that good.
King Kot of the Kuba Kingdom said,
July 21, 2009 at 17:29
Tintin? Do you have a picture of Sarah before the meth abuse?
WIN.
They’re coming out of the breakroom, still wearing their blue “May I Help You?” vests OMG RUN!!
Hey, I used to resemble that remark. But you have a point. “May I HelP YoU? Mah I help ME? To YOUR BRAINZZZZ?”
actor212 said,
July 21, 2009 at 17:32
the pedestrian bridge to Randall’s Island. People who live a block from it can’t find it, what are the odds Godzilla-lite could?
If it’s lowered, you mean. That’s not always the case.
Besides, any native New Yorker knows you can walk across the East River for all the sewage. Why waist a perfectly good bridge?
Mysticdog said,
July 21, 2009 at 17:33
Money Quote from my friend John… “I don’t care if the cowboys are fucking, its still a Western. Put it on the shelf next to John Wayne.”
actor212 said,
July 21, 2009 at 17:33
Also, what if you can only make it to a Best Buy? Also.
Three words: Slim Whitman CDs.
hey, it worked in Mars Attacks!
actor212 said,
July 21, 2009 at 17:35
Fuck that. High-rises. Two egress stairs – easily blocked – and zombies are not known for their dedication to the Stairmaster.
Ahhhh, somebody HAS read the Zombie Survival Guide!
The only problem there is, likely you have zombies on the floors above you too.
Better off in a warehouse, nobody would go to work in a zombieocalypse, plus there’s likely heavy blunt objects perfect for smashing heads.
Lexxus Camaro, exotic dancer said,
July 21, 2009 at 17:40
Amazing! Her post is a series of buzzwords, from Manhattan elite to arugula, with nothing in between them. Srsly.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
July 21, 2009 at 17:43
In the coming Zom-pocalypse, I’m going to go to Vegas to become the new King of Rock’nRoll.
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
July 21, 2009 at 17:48
You all describe the coming zombocalypse as if it’s a BAD thing.
No more debt, no health care worries, being a part of an activist social movement, a much more casual attitude towards grammar…
I really recommend you guys start sucking up NOW.
actor212 said,
July 21, 2009 at 17:50
No more debt, no health care worries, being a part of an activist social movement, a much more casual attitude towards grammar…
Honestly?
It’s the stench.
Steerpike said,
July 21, 2009 at 17:50
Actor: I DID read the Survival Guide, but I thought “World War Z” was much better. I picked up “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” a couple weeks ago. The story and the writing are pretty not-good, but the premise, the cover art and the title were worth the cover price.
actor212 said,
July 21, 2009 at 17:52
All I ever needed to know about zombies I learned from Bruce Campbell.
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
July 21, 2009 at 17:53
Honestly?
It’s the stench.
Smellsist.
actor212 said,
July 21, 2009 at 17:54
Smellsist.
Anti-Perspirant!
kingubu said,
July 21, 2009 at 17:59
Why not hole up in the local Costco? At least they’d have union zombies.
And anyway, the biggest problem with running off to the nearest Mall/BigBox is that everyone thinks of doing that, and you end up fighting it out with bikers sporting curiously well-manicured goatees (and you know what that probably means).
Relentless zombie horde vs gay bikers on a toot; for some its not an easy call.
seldom-seen smith said,
July 21, 2009 at 18:00
I kind of want to write this lady and tell her that I’d been confused about some things for a long time, but thanks to her and her column and her stupid ass face, I’ve decided to become a gay.
King Kot of the Kuba Kingdom said,
July 21, 2009 at 18:03
All I ever needed to know about zombies I learned from Bruce Campbell.
Groovy.
Three words: Slim Whitman CDs.
You could always fling them the way they did in “Shaun of The Dead”.
Rusty Shackleford said,
July 21, 2009 at 18:06
My attitude toward grammar, casual, could not more be already
Substance McGravitas said,
July 21, 2009 at 18:06
Beware the humbie menace.
actor212 said,
July 21, 2009 at 18:16
You could always fling them the way they did in “Shaun of The Dead”.
Poseur!
They used pool cues and a shotgun in Shaun! Altho they did throw Big (Dead) Ed into the jukebox…
slippy toad said,
July 21, 2009 at 18:16
@noen July 21, 2009 at 10:12
I walked out on Ice Age 3d and was pissed that I’d wasted my money so I sat down in Harry Potter. It was much much better.
Of course, I think I would have gladly watched two women and a cup after the completely vomit-inducing waste of time Ice Age 3 was. I have been taking in all the 3d cartoons just because they’re so cool, but IA3D was the tipping point — someone actually spent all those millions of animation and 3-d dollars on the most rancid turd of a pathetic script they could find. Just to see if they could do it.
Highlight of my movie weekend was still Bruno. Holy shit was that hilarious.
Bill E Pilgrim said,
July 21, 2009 at 18:20
Does anyone else notice that this site’s threads always turn into a discussion of zombies no matter what the subject of the post?
I’m not implying anything about zombies, or you know, brain slugs or anything. Just an observation. Okay, get back.
King Kot of the Kuba Kingdom said,
July 21, 2009 at 18:21
They used pool cues and a shotgun in Shaun!
Have we already forgotten the scene in the back yard where they’re discussing what to shie at the little girl zombie out of their record collection?
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
July 21, 2009 at 18:23
no wonder mikey never comes around anymore.
N__B said,
July 21, 2009 at 18:26
Does anyone else notice that this site’s threads always turn into a discussion of zombies no matter what the subject of the post?
Let’s get this back on track. Do zombies POOP?
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
July 21, 2009 at 18:29
Does anyone else notice that this site’s threads always turn into a discussion of zombies
You say that as if it’s a bad thing.
Steerpike said,
July 21, 2009 at 18:31
I think “back on track” would be more like “ZomPENIS!
Also, “back on Track” could also be seen as another attack on Palin’s children, also.
Bill E Pilgrim said,
July 21, 2009 at 18:31
You say that as if it’s a bad thing.
No, no, really. It’s good that you ate all those people. It’s real good.
King Kot of the Kuba Kingdom said,
July 21, 2009 at 18:50
Let’s get this back on track. Do zombies POOP?
The question should be “Would Mizz Knoploh stick her finger up a gay zombie’s butt or would that be too icky?”
PeeJ said,
July 21, 2009 at 19:00
Does anyone else notice that this site’s threads always turn into a discussion of zombies no matter what the subject of the post? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Ob. f1xx1ng.
roseyv said,
July 21, 2009 at 19:02
English translation: If anyone ever found out the guys I like were straight, those guys would immediately be rounded up and summarily executed by the PC police. Ergo, they dare not ask me out on a date.
Yes, that is the reason.
cyntax said,
July 21, 2009 at 19:03
You all describe the coming zombocalypse as if it’s a BAD thing.
…being a part of an activist social movement…
Are you saying zombies are on Facebook? Uh–all those friend requests!
When would I have time to go forage for brainnnzzz?
Torckus said,
July 21, 2009 at 19:11
Who cares what Tracy Gold thinks?
Marco said,
July 21, 2009 at 19:12
Have any wingnuts ever been to New York? Like, ever?
Bill E Pilgrim said,
July 21, 2009 at 19:26
Have any wingnuts ever been to New York? Like, ever?
Yes but he left.
http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-april-1-2009/rush-limbaugh-leaves-new-york
A small step for a large hot air balloon, a giant leap for New York kind.
PeeJ said,
July 21, 2009 at 19:27
Your daily ZOMBIE PENIS
Doctorb said,
July 21, 2009 at 19:40
Also your more likely zombie apocalypses do not involve zombies rising from graves. Think about it: those bodies are embalmed and/or mostly decayed, plus coffins are ridiculously overdesigned, plus there’s six feet of dirt to crawl through. It certainly looks cool, but it’s very unlikely.
Wal-Mart is likely to have a concentration of people, which is not great, and plus it’s likely that some Wolverines! wannabe has already gotten there, picked up some guns, and started “defending” the store against all zombies, real or imagined.
tigrismus said,
July 21, 2009 at 19:40
Does anyone else notice that this site’s threads always turn into a discussion of zombies no matter what the subject of the post?
It could be worse: we could always end up on the horrible scourge that are ROBOTS. Those bastards won’t settle for a little cephalic ceviche, they want to DESTROY ALL HUMANS, even the zombified ones!
Doctorb said,
July 21, 2009 at 19:47
You know what would be great for America? Not going back to the Moon (what for?) or to Mars (ditto), but a really big manned expedition to the Brain Slug Planet. There’s so much to do there, like collecting rocks, walking around without a helmet, analyzing the biochemistry of the soil makeup, walking around without a helmet, studying the tidal effects of Brain Slug Planet’s three moons, and walking around without a helmet.
Bitter Scribe said,
July 21, 2009 at 19:48
…being unambiguously straight is the orientation that dare not speak its name. It’s guys who like women – and just women – that are the unhealthy ones.
Shouldn’t the word “white” be in there somewhere?
Turbine Yukon Palin said,
July 21, 2009 at 20:13
Reality, mostly.
But the thought is tempting to go over the top.
* A Lincoln/Reagan kiss.
* Jesus performing gay marriages.
* Successful implementation of universal health care coverage.
* Prominent Republicans of the last 9 years admitting they were just plain wrong.
* A contraceptive that’s 100% reliable AND prevents all STDs AND works on both men and women.
* A point-by-point narrative of how a rise in taxes led to greater widespread prosperity.
Really, it’s shooting fish in a barrel, after a certain point. You don’t even have to be honest about it, so long as you press the buttons.
Lunch Lady said,
July 21, 2009 at 20:14
Cheer up, kid! We’ve got brown gravy!
Turbine Yukon Palin said,
July 21, 2009 at 20:15
Honestly? One of the funniest damn comebacks I’ve read in a long while. Bravo!
LD said,
July 21, 2009 at 20:21
#
Turbine Yukon Palin said,
July 21, 2009 at 20:13
If conservatives ran Hollywood, movies that pissed off liberals would be all they ever made, so I’d like to see what a movie calculated to piss off wingnuts would look like.
Reality, mostly.
But the thought is tempting to go over the top.
* A Lincoln/Reagan kiss.
* Jesus performing gay marriages.
* Successful implementation of universal health care coverage.
* Prominent Republicans of the last 9 years admitting they were just plain wrong.
* A contraceptive that’s 100% reliable AND prevents all STDs AND works on both men and women.
* A point-by-point narrative of how a rise in taxes led to greater widespread prosperity.
Really, it’s shooting fish in a barrel, after a certain point. You don’t even have to be honest about it, so long as you press the buttons.”
Or you could have a scifi movie about special group that travels back in time and convinces pregnant women to have abortions, so that their offspring won’t become serious criminals.
“Agent Johnson, your task is to travel back to december 1945, and convince Barbara Bush to abort her pregnancy. The lives of thousands of Americans depend on your actions!”
justme said,
July 21, 2009 at 20:25
Try getting rid of the floppy shoes and the red ball on your nose.
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
July 21, 2009 at 20:26
but a really big manned expedition to the Brain Slug Planet. There’s so much to do there, like collecting rocks, walking around without a helmet, analyzing the biochemistry of the soil makeup, walking around without a helmet, studying the tidal effects of Brain Slug Planet’s three moons, and walking around without a helmet.
…droooooooll….
commie atheist said,
July 21, 2009 at 20:31
Also, POOP.
http://www.twttrpoop.com/
commie atheist said,
July 21, 2009 at 20:37
Doubling down on stupid is not a particularly good idea. ~Andrew Breitbart
Submitted without comment.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
July 21, 2009 at 20:37
After watching “Cloverfield” I was loath to leave my house lest a giant ogre-like monster stomp me into putty.
It gave me a hankering for seafood.
They coulda shoulda gone straight from Columbus Circle to the subway, and walked through the 1 tunnel, as you say uptown, skirting west of Central Park up up up a few miles until you get to the Bronx.
This plan does not take the C.H.U.D.s into account. BTW, the Stella D’Oro plant will be closing, so the 1 stop at 238th St will most likely not be the best-smelling stop in the system anymore (yeah, I’m a smellsist).
It could be worse: we could always end up on the horrible scourge that are ROBOTS. Those bastards won’t settle for a little cephalic ceviche, they want to DESTROY ALL HUMANS, even the zombified ones!
Zombies! Robots!
King Kot of the Kuba Kingdom said,
July 21, 2009 at 20:46
Try getting rid of the floppy shoes and the red ball on your nose.
AIEEEE CLOWN PORN
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
July 21, 2009 at 20:56
POOP!
This woman would make a fine GOP senator:
“I’ve been saving up my (expletive deleted) all day for that (expletive deleted).”
Till said,
July 21, 2009 at 20:57
Also, ZOMBIE PENIS. I downloaded a copy because of Amber Benson (not because of the penis. nope. nuh uh.), but I haven’t worked up the courage to watch it yet.
seldom-seen smith said,
July 21, 2009 at 20:57
Cue Bill Kristol endorsing Jeb Bush/Lynn Cheney for 2012 in 3, 2, 1…
Seriously, why not Lynn Cheney? After Palin tanked she might be the best woman they’ve got left. She could definitely get a lot of the PUMA crowd because she’s basically Hillary with an even nastier husband — and she also writes bad romance novels! She could get 90+% of the Kathy demographic regardless of her positions on the issues. Actually, she might be too good of an idea for Kristol to get behind.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
July 21, 2009 at 20:57
FYWP!!
POOP!
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
July 21, 2009 at 20:59
WP has no love for my POOP!
http://www.sheboyganpress.com/article/20090720/SHE0101/90720038
Froley said,
July 21, 2009 at 21:05
WWZ is not what I expected, I thought it was going to be a tongue-in-cheek and humorous. It’s a fun read, but Max Brooks fully commits to the idea of a world plagued by zombies (with all that would entail) so there’s a serious tone in a lot of it (along with some sharp satire about the world’s political and social landscapes). Excellent book.
Froley said,
July 21, 2009 at 21:13
Wal-Mart can’t handle the Christmas shopping season without some fatalities. Even if we’re talking about the classic slow-moving zombies and not the fast ones, I’d pick a location outside of major cities, preferably on the edge of mountains or desert.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
July 21, 2009 at 21:13
Also, ZOMBIE PENIS.
Stupid WMG done scrubbed King Missile’s most popular work off Youtube!
We Are The Space Robots said,
July 21, 2009 at 21:16
We are here to protect you from the terrible secret of zombies.
Please go stand by the stairs.
King Kot of the Kuba Kingdom said,
July 21, 2009 at 21:20
I’d pick a location outside of major cities, preferably on the edge of mountains or desert
A multi-story prison would probably be your best bet – security, weapons and multiple levels.
I’m still heading for the Wal-Mart, though. Why pass up the opportunity to cap some Wal-Mart shoppers in the head? (“Why, you saw how he looked at me! It’s OBVIOUS he was a zombie! Just a very clean one!”)
kingubu said,
July 21, 2009 at 21:22
Where did the idea come from that zombies are especially fond of brains? I’ve seen a lot of zombie flicks (check out Fido for an oft-overlooked gem) and none of ‘em seemed particularly picky about which parts to chomp on.
Tata said,
July 21, 2009 at 21:26
I’ve seen a lot of zombie flicks (check out Fido for an oft-overlooked gem) and none of ‘em seemed particularly picky about which parts to chomp on.
Were those documentaries on NGC or Food Network?
Substance McGravitas said,
July 21, 2009 at 21:39
BRAINS!!!
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
July 21, 2009 at 21:41
well, first ya gotta slow em down. taking a chomp out of TEH BUTTOCKS is a pretty good strategy.
Fido was great though.
Rusty Shackleford said,
July 21, 2009 at 21:43
Subby beat me to it.
“Send more paramedics.”
actor212 said,
July 21, 2009 at 21:45
Even if we’re talking about the classic slow-moving zombies and not the fast ones, I’d pick a location outside of major cities, preferably on the edge of mountains or desert.
Too easy to sneak up on you. Zombies never sleep and you’re out in the open
stogoe said,
July 21, 2009 at 21:46
I think the saddest thing about this is that they’re closing not because they’re operating at a loss, it’s because they’re not making obscene enough amounts of hand-over-fist cash money to keep their hedge fund owners in permanent chubb state.
They won’t even sell it to someone who’s okay with just turning a tidy profit. They’d rather harvest the organs than keep the patient alive.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
July 21, 2009 at 21:48
BRANES!!!!!
Rusty Shackleford said,
July 21, 2009 at 21:56
I’ll take “Films in Which Linnea Quigley Got Naked” for $1000, Alex
Froley said,
July 21, 2009 at 22:08
I’m following the advice suggested by The Walking Dead graphic novel series — if you’re in a city you just have too many people in one place, leading to more and more zombies. The rural areas are less populated (less zombies) and even though you’re in the open, they’re easier to defend. Later in the series the survivors set up shop in a prison (as King Kot suggests above).
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
July 21, 2009 at 22:08
Where did the idea come from that zombies are especially fond of brains?
I see several worthies have answered that question. Best zombie movie AYVAR!!!
The question I have is, when did zombies become conflated with ghouls?
kingubu said,
July 21, 2009 at 22:09
BRAINS!!!
Ah, OK, one of those mid-80s-but-non-Romero-type things. I call Fake Zombie.
kingubu said,
July 21, 2009 at 22:12
The question I have is, when did zombies become conflated with ghouls?
Evil Dead?
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
July 21, 2009 at 22:12
The question I have is, when did zombies become conflated with ghouls?
Fallout 3?
Sometime after 1st edition?
Doctorb said,
July 21, 2009 at 22:19
I’m sure this has bean heavily discussed somewhere, but here’s a thing that was bothering me: zombies want to eat people, pretty much in their entirety, right? So someone snagged by zombies is not going to become another zombie; he’s going to be eaten. This whole geometric growth thing only applies if in every human-zombie encounter the human is infected but escapes. Which would probably happen sometimes, but not all the time (or even a lot of the time).
Xecky Gilchrist said,
July 21, 2009 at 22:22
Zombocalypse survival!
Tom said,
July 21, 2009 at 22:22
Well, if we recall, it wasn’t long ago that the complaints against gay marriage were that every straight guy was going to dump women and marry their racquetball partner… or something. So now all the straight guys are going to avoid the theater? I though movies like these would make more straight guys dump college chicks and marry their fraternity brothers. I am so confused!
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
July 21, 2009 at 22:23
I call Fake Zombie.
Hey, now.
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
July 21, 2009 at 22:25
B^4, zombies are ghouls, but not all ghouls are zombies.
- department of Helpful Helping (Zombie Queries)
Till said,
July 21, 2009 at 22:25
Maybe they just take a nibble, and your half-eaten and no longer tasty-fresh corpse rises as a zombie. Ever think of that, Mr. Smartypants?
tigrismus said,
July 21, 2009 at 22:31
The question I have is, when did zombies become conflated with ghouls?
When they started meeping and gibbering, of course.
King Kot of the Kuba Kingdom said,
July 21, 2009 at 22:36
Well, if we take the Romero Thesis (there’s GOT to be a better name) as the default zombie scenario, then everyone who dies during a zombie plague turns into a zombie… and that goes for all those people who’d die to begin with, not to mention the accidents due to panic, heart attacks, accidents from breakdown of society, yadda yadda warden. So there’s that, as well as the fact that there’s no more medical care so people who get injured (especailly running away from shamblers) are more likely to die, thus adding to the hordes.
Man, I’ve thought this over ‘way too much. Now if I could just make money off it like Max Brooks did…
kingubu said,
July 21, 2009 at 22:51
Man, I’ve thought this over way too much.
Don’t even get me started. I sheepishly admit that somewhere on a backup drive I have a short essay on the psychological implications of Fast Zombies vs Slow Zombies (each represents the embodiment of a different kind of fear). So, um, yeah.
BlackBloc said,
July 21, 2009 at 22:54
Say “Please”.
Say “Please, honey.”
bughunter said,
July 21, 2009 at 22:59
I know I’m so late to the party as to be utterly inconsequential, but I do have to state for the record that Ms. Knoploh’s expression reminded me immediately of Naomi Watts’ portrayal of the “Diane Selwin” persona (especially in contrast to the more chipper “Betty Elms” persona) in David Lynch’s “Mulholland Drive.”
In other words, she comes across as a spurned, unrequited lesbian, and a bitter, unsuccessful aspirant to fame and glory.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
July 21, 2009 at 23:02
B^4, zombies are ghouls, but not all ghouls are zombies.
You have the “inside information” on this, but what about your domesticated relatives in Haiti? They’re not usually portrayed as cannibals.
When they started meeping and gibbering, of course.
I don’t have my DQoUK on me, but I could swear that it’s “glibbering”. I’ll be a Gug’s grandpa if I’m proven wrong.
“Amina” by Edward Lucas White is a great boy-meets-ghoul story, although it has a typical early 20th Century attitude towards “Orientals” (used in the original sense).
commie atheist said,
July 21, 2009 at 23:02
With “Bruno” and “Humpday” both being released this summer, a whole lot of benighted, homophobic men will indulge their “macho pretensions” and stay in their caves.
Probably been mentioned already, but I’m sure this is central to her point:
Sacha Baron Cohen’s “Bruno” strutted to a first-place finish at the weekend box office with a $30.6 million debut.
http://www.dailynews.com/news/ci_12829723
I recall the similar epidemic of non-movie-going males when “Brokeback Mountain” er, came out:
http://www.boxofficemojo.com/movies/?id=brokebackmountain.htm
tigrismus said,
July 21, 2009 at 23:13
I don’t have my DQoUK on me, but I could swear that it’s “glibbering”. I’ll be a Gug’s grandpa if I’m proven wrong.
It’s quite possible, I didn’t double check before posting. You can still be a Gug’s grandpa if you like.
Jennifer said,
July 21, 2009 at 23:14
Man, I’ve thought this over ‘way too much.
Yeah, well, I’m still trying to figure out why the “infecteds” in 28 Days were only pissed off at the un-infecteds. And how they knew which was which.
That was one of the dumbest movies ever.
Djur said,
July 21, 2009 at 23:14
Extremely OT: I need advice from folks. Because of horrible middle ear issues as a child, I never properly learned to ride a bike. Now as a full-grown out-of-shape fatman, I have the keen desire to make up for lost time (partly for my health, partly to help get around, partly because all of my friends ride and I feel left out, and partly because of a particular lady). I pretty much can’t ride at all, mostly due to a paralyzing fear of falling over and getting tangled up and hurting myself.
Anyone else been in that situation? If so, does anybody have any advice, especially as to the kind of bike I might want to obtain and any useful adjustments I should apply?
THX IN ADVANCE.
commie atheist said,
July 21, 2009 at 23:18
Djur – maybe a stationary bike?
N__B said,
July 21, 2009 at 23:19
28 Days…was one of the dumbest movies ever.
A reflection of its protagonist, Jim, who may be the stupidest character to ever live in a movie.
N__B said,
July 21, 2009 at 23:21
Anyone else been in that situation?
Racing recumbent tricycle. Low to the ground, stable, and cool. Get a signal orange flag so cars don’t run over you.
Substance McGravitas said,
July 21, 2009 at 23:21
Make sure your first bike has a seat that can be low enough for you to get your feet on the ground. Then sit astride the bike and walk it from place to place for a while.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
July 21, 2009 at 23:23
Oh, and this link plays to one of my recurring obessions:
PENIS!!
Djur, I’m not being facetious here (for once), but you may consider an adult tricycle. As an avid cyclist, I’d go for one of these if my balance were compromised. The mother of one of my friends got one of these after hip surgery made bicycle riding impossible.
Djur said,
July 21, 2009 at 23:29
commie, I have a stationary bike. My main issue is the panic that ensues from the feeling of lost stability. I’ve got occasional residual vertigo from my childhood ear problems and I associate the feeling of beginning to fall over with losing my balance entirely and slamming into the ground.
N__B, I might consider something like that in the future, but there’s some egotistical reasons I want to learn to ride a two-wheeler.
Sub McG: Thanks. I’ve been looking at this bike and tried it out a bit in the shop today, and did exactly what you’re suggesting. Felt like a complete dork but came out of it OK. In the past, the bikes I’ve tried out have had saddles sized and shaped in precisely the right way to quickly create the sensation of having a drill applied to one’s perineum.
N__B said,
July 21, 2009 at 23:33
Djur –
A low bike with wide tires – like the one you’re talking about – will help. Unfortunately, a good part of the stability of a bike comes from the gyroscope effect of the wheels, which helps in proportion to how fast you’re going. So if you feel like you’re wobbling, the best solution – and the hardest to learn at any age – is to speed up.
Good luck.
Sockpuppet #47 said,
July 21, 2009 at 23:36
Djur -
First get yourself a suitable bicycle. Don’t spend a lot of money. Free is ideal. You can always get a fancy one later. Adjust the seat so you can get both heels on the ground at the same time, and make sure the handlebars are as high as they will go. All you need is good brakes.
The thing about bicycles is the faster you go, the easier you keep your balance. Thus, the best way to learn is to get to the top of a hill.. and go down. Don’t worry about pedalling or anything just yet, just get the bike moving, and use the brakes to maintain a speed that you feel safe at. 15mph or so should do it. This will let you get used to balancing and controlling the bike.
If you try and learn by going really slowly, you WILL fall off. Riding at less than 5mph is a skill. Using a tiny bit of back brake will help keep you stable at low speeds though.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
July 21, 2009 at 23:44
Nice scoop, N__B!
Djur, helmet is a must, pads are suggested until your comfort level improves. I would even suggest learning how to fall properly- I have taken a couple of hairy spills that I was able to ride away from.
If you were to walk into a dojo and tell them that you just want to practice falling, I am sure the kind folks would be more than happy to render you assistance.
Euripides said,
July 22, 2009 at 0:10
Djur, depending on how well you know this lady, why not try telling her about how you never learned, and would like to, but are afraid, and maybe she could help you? This could be a good opportunity to bond, and at the very least become good friends.
At best this will lead to a Sadly, No! bike themed wedding, with little Studebaker leading the wedding procession on his tricycle followed by fellow sadlynaughts on tandems, brought up at the back with Mikey on his Harley :)
Also practice on a flat grassy area if possible.
Djur said,
July 22, 2009 at 0:14
Euripides, that’s precisely what’s happening, and a large part of why I’m so motivated all of a sudden. :P I’d just prefer to spend as little time flopping around like an enormous oaf as possible, and I suspect the design of the bike will factor into that somewhat.
The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,
July 22, 2009 at 0:18
Djur–I’m in exactly the same situation as you are. My vestibular apparatus scarcely works at all, and I depend almost exclusively on visual cues and kinesthetic feedback from my ankles. This is probably why zombies and I walk the way we do. Can zombies ride bicycles? I know we have some experts on this board.
Due to the previously mentioned gyro action, I’nm sure I could remain upright at speed–it’s the starting and stopping that has me too spooked to do it. That and the constant leaning back and forth to work the pedals would defeat whatever residual sense of balance I may have had–but trying to ride a motorcycle when you never learned to ride a bicycle seems like an outrageous plan. Maybe an electric bike is the way to go….
I’ve been trying to work up my courage to use the coasting-down-the-hill method Sockpuppet suggested; maybe this discussion will get me off my butt sufficiently to try it. If I survive, I’ll let you know. The price of gas lately makes riding a bike for simple errands more and more attractive all the time.
PeeJ said,
July 22, 2009 at 0:19
Djur, I’d stay away from a supersport like a Ducati 1098 or GSXR or the like. The venerable Suzuki GS500 has been an excellent fiorst ride for many people.
What?
Djur said,
July 22, 2009 at 0:22
You know, PeeJ, I avoided saying “bicycle” with the express intent of extracting that kind of a response from you.
Brandi said,
July 22, 2009 at 0:25
Racing recumbent tricycle. Low to the ground, stable, and cool. Get a signal orange flag so cars don’t run over you.
Were you thinking of the Catrikes, maybe? My dad has one and loves it.
For a more high-seated trike, Sun Bicycles makes the EZ-3 among others (I have their EZ-1 bicycle). They’re not the lightest models out there, mind you….
Brandi said,
July 22, 2009 at 0:27
Also, you shouldn’t have to lean to pedal unless something’s so badly rusted that you need to exert a lot of force just to move the pedals.
Euripides said,
July 22, 2009 at 0:35
The League of American Bicyclists have courses for adult beginners
failing that, first get used to scooting along without pedal usage, and familiarise yourself with how to stop in a controlled manner.
After that, a small grassy incline so you can build your speed up slowly until you are confident enough to get your feet on the pedals and come to a controlled stop.
Then you need to learn how to start pedalling from a standing start and gain enough momentum to be stable.
When you can do this a small slalom course so you can get used to cornering. I’m sure you can find a book with helpful advice for all this anyway.
Lastly to control your fear, if you don’t know how, learn Diaphragmatic breathing, and perhaps some mindfulness meditiation, (try googling “Jon Kabat Zinn”) and some study on how to avoid Catastrophic Thinking.
Sockpuppet #47 said,
July 22, 2009 at 0:38
Well if you want to get a new bike.. A relaxed seat tube angle is the thing to look for. The pedals should be a little bit forwards of the seat, rather than almost directly under them. This makes it easier to pedal hard without standing up as well, which makes riding seem more effortless.
Comfort wise, the main thing I can recommend, is look for a bicycle which comes with a sprung seat post, or one which has a seat post size suitable for a sprung post. Sprung posts only come in a few sizes, so a lot of bikes can never be fitted with one. They really do make a big difference, especially if the saddle itself is sprung too.
Forget all the crap about gel saddles, and ignore the amount of padding on them too. It’s all about the springs underneath. One of my bikes has both a sprung saddle, and a sprung seat post, and it is brilliant. Other than springs, you are looking for a wide saddle, with a big cock groove down the middle. I’m a fat bastard too, and this works for me.
Front suspension can help take some of the strain off your wrists, but rear suspension is a bad idea unless you need to do some serious offroading. Unless your rear suspension is very expensive, it bogs down every time you accelerate, making the bike feel awful.
Expect to have to change a few things and accessorize a bit to get what you want. As long as the bike is right in the aspects which are expensive or difficult to change, you will be okay.
I’m sure you can overcome the balance problems. I use a bicycle for pub crawling, and I havn’t fallen off yet, even when drunk as a lord, or riding with a pint glass in hand. And my balancing skills are only average when sober.
Euripides said,
July 22, 2009 at 0:41
Oh and also, for bike recomendations, try a dedicated cycling forum, the geekitute will amaze you if nothing else, and DO NOT WATCH ANY OF THE TOUR DE FRANCE, especially todays stage.
And also, also, try not to grip the handlebars to tightly as this can lead to RSI.
Tommmcatt said,
July 22, 2009 at 0:43
Djur-
I have two words for you: Recumbent Bicycle.
If you fall, it won’t be that far.
PeeJ said,
July 22, 2009 at 0:49
Thank you!
Djur said,
July 22, 2009 at 0:49
Sockpuppet: the bike I’m looking at has a springy, wide saddle with a groove. It definitely felt a lot more comfortable to dork around on it than other bikes I’ve tried.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
July 22, 2009 at 0:52
Breaking news in the world of schadenfreude:
Republican Baldwin files for bankruptcy.
How soon before Andrew Blartblart claims it was a librul conspiracy?
Sockpuppet #47 said,
July 22, 2009 at 0:53
Rev Battleaxe:
If you ride a bike which has fairly low handlebars (not more than a couple of inches higher than the seat) then you will have enough pressure on your hands to feel your balance that way.
Setting off slowly and smoothly is all in the back brake. Get in a suitably low gear, hold the back brake, then gently release it as you set off. Stopping gently is easy. Use both brakes, at a nice constant pressure, get your right foot on the pedal and at 6 oclock, and take your left leg off the pedal when you reach walking pace, and put your toe down as you come to a stop.
I do a bit of voluntary work which includes a bit of teaching people to ride, including disabled people. So I know it is all possible.
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
July 22, 2009 at 1:08
I think you should get one of the old skool bikes with the humongous front wheel and the little back wheel. Imagine the looks you will get!
Steerpike said,
July 22, 2009 at 1:19
What is it about Stephen Baldwin that he always has that pursed-lips, stunned-eyes, emo look that just says “ooh, I am so hot”? Does he practice that in front of the
altarmirror or what?Enquiring minds, etc.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
July 22, 2009 at 1:36
What is it about Stephen Baldwin that he always has that pursed-lips, stunned-eyes, emo look that just says “ooh, I am so hot”?
It’s the Botox paralysis.
tintin = nitwit said,
July 22, 2009 at 1:43
Awesome: Voters laugh out loud at Democrat’s promise that ObamaCare will save money
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9_43nJVyKA
There’s your Obamacare, dimwits, how do you like it?
Also, Brad Reed is another nitwit:
http://www.overpopulation.com/articles/2002/cuba-vs-the-united-states-on-infant-mortality/
Steerpike said,
July 22, 2009 at 1:57
Can somebody clue me in on the fixation this particular troll appears to have about Tintin? Don’t let him get all mannish on ya there, Tin!
Djur said,
July 22, 2009 at 2:00
Steerpike, his MO is choosing a particular person and relentlessly harassing them. He went after actor212 and DrDick for some time, and now he’s pissed off at Tintin for routinely disemvoweling him.
J— said,
July 22, 2009 at 2:03
and partly because of a particular lady
You’ll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two.
N__B said,
July 22, 2009 at 2:06
Can somebody clue me in on the fixation this particular troll appears to have about Tintin?
His attacks usually follow statements that he thinks Tintin is gay. I think he wants a date.
N__B said,
July 22, 2009 at 2:12
the bike I’m looking at has a springy, wide saddle with a groove.
That’s good. Particularly the groove, if the bike is part of a dating scenario.
Joe Max said,
July 22, 2009 at 2:16
It depends on your choice of canonical zombie lore.
Leaving aside Voodoo zombies, Brooks’ “World War Z” zombies have a viral disease that spreads through contact between saliva and blood. The dead don’t just get up and walk, like the Romero versions, or “brain eating” versions. You have to get infected with the virus, which is quickly fatal, followed by re-animation. So with Brooks’ scenario, I agree with you. I didn’t buy the premise that it would so effectively become a world-wide pandemic if it’s only spread by survivors of bites of zombies.
The original Romero zombies consisted of anyone who died. It was caused by “radiation” brought to Earth from Venus by a space probe that exploded in orbit. So corpses in morgues got up and walked away, and anyone who died for whatever cause came back to “life” in about five minutes. Even severed body parts were re-animated. Also, the bite of a Romero zombie, however minor, was toxic and inevitably fatal. Sure, you then became a zombie, but so did everyone else who died of anything.
That seems much more likely to end up with a world of walking dead than the Brooks version.
Jennifer said,
July 22, 2009 at 2:19
Djur – two words:
TRAINING WHEELS.
willf said,
July 22, 2009 at 2:21
Sara Knoploh’s Knob-blog
Till said,
July 22, 2009 at 2:24
Has Newsweek always been like this? Is there any issue that doesn’t feature the bizarre and laughable regurgitation of right-wing talking points? Today it’s “Germany sucks because they don’t like nuclear power and genetically engineered food.” This is characterized repeatedly as “technophobia.” What the fuck?
Also:
Really, you’d think Jello Biafra was running the country.
No shit. But the ubiquitous farms with huge wind turbines and non-GM (sometimes even *gasp* organic!!!) crops, that’s bad because…technology! Or something.
OneMan said,
July 22, 2009 at 2:25
Rev. Battleaxe:
“My vestibular apparatus scarcely works at all…”
It may indeed be that a trike is for you. Go see Dale at Angle Lake Cycles in SeaTac. He is incredibly busy but will surely be able to put you onto the right setup for you. I got my recumbent from him and am a satisfied customer.
Don’t look at anything but “tadpole” type trikes, with a single wheel aft; those are by far the most stable.
Be ready for funny looks from the upright riders but fuck ‘em, I say. Ride what suits you.
Djur said,
July 22, 2009 at 2:28
N__B: Heh.
Jennifer: Hey, even considering our occasional disagreements that’s hardly sporting. Do you want me to die of embarrassment? :P
OneMan said,
July 22, 2009 at 2:31
Newsweek is more than happy to shill for the right wing. They regularly feature columns from such luminaries as Karl Rove and Michael Frum. They occasionally manage to include a column that isn’t a list of right wing talking points but the balance is center-right to right.
And of course they continue to not fire the awful Robert Samuelson which is really just unforgivable.
Jennifer said,
July 22, 2009 at 2:35
Djur: Heh.
That’s how I learned to ride a bike.
Of course, I was 5 at the time…
Djur said,
July 22, 2009 at 2:44
Jennifer: I rode around on training wheels for about four years as a kid. I think at this point it’d be counterproductive. And maddeningly embarrassing. I’m already exposing my ineptitude and clumsiness (at a task most guys learn before their balls drop) to an extremely attractive woman. :P
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
July 22, 2009 at 2:50
My dad figured that if you weren’t tough enough to live without training wheels, you had no bidness riding a bike. One push and away you go, kiddo!
A falling onto the gravel road INCENTIVIZED learning to ride, lemme tellya.
Of course, I’m a zombie now, so YMMV
pedestrian said,
July 22, 2009 at 2:54
A falling onto the gravel road INCENTIVIZED learning to ride, lemme tellya.
Wow, did we have the same father? That’s exactly what mine did! Of course, we had a blackbery patch at the end of long gravel hill. Then a chicken coop after that. It does a lot to explain my nym.
Rusty Shackleford said,
July 22, 2009 at 3:10
Speaking of stationary bikes, the other day I saw an advertisement for a silent guitar.
Substance McGravitas said,
July 22, 2009 at 3:18
Comment of the day for noted troll Shackleford:
NO. I can think of only ONE COUNTRY.
Vinnie Vega said,
July 22, 2009 at 3:21
MB said :
besides Sarah yelling “Stop!” at history for a few moments.
!
Rusty Shackleford said,
July 22, 2009 at 3:22
That’s a good one, Sub, but I had one fellow express how much he anticipates the collapse of society so he can kill me and another liberal PJM troll. The mods have deleted it now, sadly.
Is it about a bicycle? said,
July 22, 2009 at 3:22
I was riding without training wheels at 4. I could never relate to kids who weren’t as coordinated as I was.*
*Condescension does not apply to those with inner ear issues. And, Djur, be careful, man. Be very careful.
Djur said,
July 22, 2009 at 3:33
Vinnie Vega:
?
Rightwingsnarkle said,
July 22, 2009 at 3:40
The girl needs a facial.
Interpret that comment however you choose.
Realist said,
July 22, 2009 at 3:45
San Francisco, 1979. My girlfriend (a nice Jewish girl from LongGuyland) and I were attending an evening screening of French comedy sensation La Cage aux Folles at an arty little theater off Polk Street. A couple of rows away sat a very middle-class suburban-looking couple. It was pretty obvious she’d dragged his unwilling ass to the movie, and he was not happy about it.
He didn’t last long – the first scene in the club’s dressing room with all the female impersonators running around in their undies did it for him, and he stomped out in a huff. She stayed and enjoyed the movie with the rest of us. One of the funniest goddamn movies I’ve ever seen, by the way – if you’ve never seen the original, you’re really missing out. The subtitled version is better than the dubbed version, because you get the voices of the original actors and it’s a lot easier to catch the emotions they’re projecting.
Is it just me, or does “Knoploh” sound like some kind of anti-psychotic drug?
Oh, and this is another great flick for torturing homophobes.
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
July 22, 2009 at 3:53
Is it just me, or does “Knoploh” sound like some kind of anti-psychotic drug?
It sounds like a Klingon insult to me.
Vinnie Vega said,
July 22, 2009 at 4:00
! = that comment was so enjoyable it was like last time my eyes came up double bars!
Goat or Panic said,
July 22, 2009 at 4:05
“Speaking of stationary bikes, the other day I saw an advertisement for a silent guitar.”
Does the guitar come with a cordless extension cord?
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
July 22, 2009 at 4:34
Of course, we had a blackbery patch at the end of long gravel hill. Then a chicken coop after that. It does a lot to explain my nym.
But I bet it was funny as hell to watch. “Vroom!! Scrape!! Smash!! Buh-SQUAWK!!”
Substance McGravitas said,
July 22, 2009 at 5:33
Here is a very stupid post:
Spot the errors.
N__B said,
July 22, 2009 at 5:44
Spot the errors.
Civilization has been in decline since apes turned their black-monolith-inspired creativity towards using antelope thigh bones to club each other to death. Do conservatives really think our psychedelic monolithian overlords are impressed by some garlic-scented greek “philosophers”?
The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,
July 22, 2009 at 6:16
Thanks for the heads-up, OneMan. I’ll check that out for sure. There is a guy here in Burien I see with a recumbent trike and I always wanted to try one.
You’re also right about the single rear wheel. That’s what’s been wrong with most of the 3-wheeled cars people have tried to sell in the last 40 years: they put the single wheel at the wrong end and you can tip them over by breathing on them. When cyclecars were very popular in the early 20th century they knew better.
commie atheist said,
July 22, 2009 at 6:19
“We know that only dead fish go with the flow.”
Palin, corrected:
http://www.vanityfair.com/politics/features/2009/07/palin-speech-edit-200907?currentPage=1
pedestrian said,
July 22, 2009 at 6:28
When a conservative says that things have been getting worse since the 1960s, or since FDR..
Liberals are allowed to believe whatever they want, no matter how strongly I disagree, but when I want to believe something, they don’t even have to agree with me! Buy my book.
Snorghagen said,
July 22, 2009 at 6:30
From the link at 5:33’s sweet comments section:
Me and all my anarcho-gnostic-atheisticological buddies hate the world and hate our lives and hate each other and hate the enjoyment we get from all our vile, rancid, reeking hate.
Hisssss.
pedestrian said,
July 22, 2009 at 6:38
It’s true. When I come into work I wish everyone a bad morning, because mornings suck without Jesus. Then I call my boyfriend and tell him that I hate him. I spend my day working with nonprofits to see how they can help people live shorter, sadder lives, because that’s the best they can ever hope for in this world.
At the end of the day I eat fancy foreign food that tastes like cardboard because there is no God. I go to bed hoping that I never wake up, but I always do.
Mentis Fugit said,
July 22, 2009 at 6:49
Is it just me, or does “Knoploh” sound like some kind of anti-psychotic drug?
Then it’s not working.
When cyclecars were very popular in the early 20th century they knew better.
Indeed.
Brandi said,
July 22, 2009 at 8:27
Be ready for funny looks from the upright riders but fuck ‘em, I say. Ride what suits you.
Actually, if you enjoy striking up conversations with random folks, nothin’ like a recumbent (bike OR trike) to do it. People get curious about the funny-looking things. (Also, the hardcore bicyclists of Davis, CA seem pretty amiable about recumbents.)
Johnny Pez said,
July 22, 2009 at 9:20
Give it time.
tincture said,
July 22, 2009 at 10:37
Most sex is icky. To be honest, parent sex is the worst.
…OMG I have it now! Parents marrying each other is destroying traditional marriage! Parents marrying each other *is* traditional marriage! Traditional marriage is destroying itself! Somebody must go back in time and stop traditional marriage before it has a chance to set the world on this madcap, upside down, dash for disaster that it already has!
Somebody = white, male, late 20’s – early 40’s, has face recognition but not too over exposed.
actor212 said,
July 22, 2009 at 14:36
I didn’t buy the premise that it would so effectively become a world-wide pandemic if it’s only spread by survivors of bites of zombies.
Joe, you missed the point of the book, then.
If the brain was destroyed, the corpse would not reanimate.
But if the brain was not destroyed, the virus would take over the brain parasitically and reanimate the corpse. It may not be able to move, but if it had even one limb for motion, it could, and was therefore a danger, because zombies do not tire.
I don’t know that Brooks explicitly stated this, but I believe he intended the virus have evolved a mechanism whereby it would not allow a zombie to eat brains, thus ensuring the spread of the virus.
actor212 said,
July 22, 2009 at 14:36
To be honest, parent sex is the worst.
Gee.
Thanks.
*reaching for bottle of Soapy Brain Scrub*
JM said,
July 22, 2009 at 15:32
A double standard between your ignorance and your insecurity?
Good question.
DAS said,
July 22, 2009 at 16:42
Dear Sarah, [...] It may seem to you like there are no straight guys around, but I’m sure your non-batshit crazy friends will tell you that they get hot on all the time. – Dragon-King Wangchuck
Actually she looks kinda cute. I suspect she’s a Nice Gal(TM) who always complains to her male friends who are really Nice Guys(TM) about how every man she meets is either gay or an asshole. I’d betcha any number of those Nice Guys(TM) would be happy to get down and dirty with Miss Sarah (indeed they feel entitled to it since they are so “nice” and all … and “why do those assholes get all the nookie and nice guys don’t?”) but Miss Sarah is so busy in her pity party that she doesn’t notice all those Nice Guys(TM) angling to get in her pants.
Of course, every time the Nice Guys(TM) hear Miss Sarah complain about how all the menz she meets are either gay or assholes, they think “but what about me … am I not a manly man?” and a little part of their soul dies and meanwhile they build up this huge sense of resentment and entitlement that makes them even less likely to ever appear on Miss Sarah’s radar as actual male-sex-types and hence the Nice Guy(TM) cycle continues and builds.
I’m so glad I graduated and finally found a life partner.
DAS said,
July 22, 2009 at 16:47
To be honest, parent sex is the worst. – tincture
To me parent sex is in some sense reassuring … it means when I get to be old and grizzly, I can still be getting it on.
What is the worst is parent no sex. Mom … when Dad was saying that, even though his blood sugar was too high, he was still healthy, I did not need to hear you respond to that by bringing up his problems with getting it up.
actor212 said,
July 22, 2009 at 17:28
I did not need to hear you respond to that by bringing up his problems with getting it up.
*getting Soapy brain Scrub*
Scrub, rinse….repeat.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
July 22, 2009 at 22:38
Actually she looks kinda cute.
Ahh the Nice Guy™ thing. Where the object of your adoration is so vitally important to you – where you worship her so much – that you must be deceitful and dishonest about your intentions. Very Nice™ indeed.
I suspect that Knob-loh doesn’t have the “surrounded by Nice Guys” problem. I suspect that Sarah’s real issue is that the tiny sliver of the college-aged men she sees as not sub-human parasites are Young Republicans. And like most conservatives, she’s all for the party line until she’s the victim (see this post at alicublog) so she’s all happy with chauvinist guys acting like chauvinist guys – until they start treating her the way chauvinist guys treat all women.
That plus she’s a total bitch and her tits are too small.
soullite said,
July 23, 2009 at 20:22
Dragon, I think you’re over thinking ‘nice guyness’. It’s usually shyness, more than anything else. That’s something most women never really have to understand, because women rarely have to put themselves out there and make the initial move in a relationship. They just sit there and wait to get hit on.
If a member of the opposite sex speaks to you for more than 5 minutes without an apparent reason, they are interested in you. I don’t really understand being so shy you fuck yourself over, but I’m not going to pretend the girls involved don’t know what’s going and and don’t milk it for all it’s worth.
Substance McGravitas said,
July 23, 2009 at 20:24
Please stop with your oddball issues with women.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
July 23, 2009 at 21:24
It’s usually shyness, more than anything else.
Hey, w’ev man. Being dishonest with others don’t preclude being dishonest with yourself.
thepoliticalcat said,
July 24, 2009 at 1:16
soullite, you must be talking about straight women. For gay and bi women, the “put yourself out there and make the initial move” crap is compounded by the fact that nobody tells you how the fuck to do it. Plus they’ve already filled your head with all teh bad and teh Ghey sex is seriously teh bad, and you’ll go to hell and all your naughty bits will burn forever in an uncomfortable fire.
Geez.