La Elevación Pequeña, La Caída Grande.

An Open Letter to Illegal Immigrants
Jan 28, 2006
by Doug Giles

dgiledbio.jpg
Giles (r): “This is my boom-stick.”

Una Letra a los Inmigrantes Ilegales
De enero el 28 de 2006
por Doug Giles

If I were a Mexican stuck in Mexico, I, too, would grab a jug of aqua, stuff fistfuls of tortillas into a bandana, then tie that knap sack onto the end of a long stick and start my slog north for the Promised Land.

Las cucarachas entran pero no pueden salir. Somos muy enfermos en la cabeza. ¿Nuestro sarcasmo enmascara nuestra impotencia? En toda la probabilidad.

What would be the rationale for my exodus from Santa Ana land? Well, one big reason is the zero opportunity in Mexico. Mexico’s economic future is about as bright as Leif Garrett’s singing career. I’m talking there is nada for the average José. Look, Vicente Fox can only hire out so many pool boys, chefs, drivers, maids, migrant map makers and mistresses. For the rest of the national workforce . . . well, you’re pretty much SOL: sure-outta-luck.

Somos así que bebido no podemos ver. Cuando somos éste bebidos, conseguimos todos violentos y enojado y deseamos a veces morir. Pensamos que odiamos la gente negra y la gente del gay. Somos excusas desgraciadas para un escritor. Estamos perdiendo la pista de todo este uso del plural. Envíe por favor la ayuda. Esto no es una broma.

Eclipsing the economic disaster are two other reasons why, if I were a Mexican living in Mexico, I’d be putting the Sierra Madres in my rearview mirror and heading for Marfa: namely, Telemundo and Univision. Yes, if those were the only two channels I could watch on my black and white Philco after a 16-hour day of picking mangos in exchange for two chickens, I would walk through the desert for hundreds of miles, brave banditos, eat horny toads, drink mud, bake in the sun, swim the Rio Grande, scale the Big Bend mountains and wrestle pumas just to get away from that tacky entertainment and to get here to the States where I could enjoy Fox News and OLN.

Algunas cosas que usted debe saber sobre nosotros: Somos un alcohólico desesperado. También, somos un drogadicto hambriento. Tenemos fixations orales insaciables. Incluso fixations nasales. Tenemos gusto a las cosas del snort. Para aspirar cosas. Para comer, beber, inhalar. Para consumir. Tenemos fantasías extrañas el implicar de muchachas literarias muy minúsculas. Nosotros masturbate de la lata todo el dia. Gozamos de pornografía como un niño gordo tenemos gusto de la torta.

Now, having said that, let me address mi amigos that want to move into our amazing Land-O-Plenty: Would you mind immigrating legally and learning English? Because, you see, our legal citizens are getting increasingly fed up with your criminal relocation dreams. That’s right. Our American buddies on the Arizona, California, New Mexico and Texas borders are especially sick of . . .

• Having their land trashed like a hotel room after Motley Crew spent the weekend there. [One Indian Reservation picks up trash to the tune of six tons a day. Would you please stop that? It’s rude, and it’s threatening the existence of a certain lizard and the Sonoran Pronghorn antelope. Thanks.]
• Having their ranches’ fencing routinely cut and vandalized.
• Having to pick up your pill bottles, used needles and syringes.
• Having to find the half eaten remains of their pets left from one of your impromptu BBQ’s.
• Having their homes burglarized.
• Having their daughters raped.
• Having their vehicles stolen.
• Having their property value plummet.
• Having their sedate streets become unsafe requiring their children to be placed under lock and key after sunset.
• Having to pick up and discard Muslim prayer rugs and literature strafed about the place. [BTW . . . when did so many Catholic Mexicans convert to Islam? I didn’t get that brief. Would you explain that to me?]
• Having the arduous and unpleasant chore of scraping human feces off their front lawns in the morning.

[…]

–Doug Giles is the creator and host of “The Clash” radio shows and a contributing columnist on Townhall.com.

–Doug Giles es el creador y el anfitrión de las demostracion de la radio “el Choque” y columnista que contribuye en Townhall.com.

 

Comments: 45

 
 
 

I’m pretty sure “fixations” isn’t a Spanish word. Or was that part of the joke? 😉

 
 

Tambien, Ud. debe a escribir “nosotros masturbatamos.” “Nosotros masturbate” no es correcto.

 
 

[El problema es que no conozco Español.]

 
 

I’m pretty sure it’s “agua” not “aqua” unless he is bringing hairspray on his trip north.

 
 

“There was a time when strangers were welcome here. Music would play, they tell me the days were sweet and clear. There was a sweeter tune, and there was so much room, for people to come from every land.”

NAME THAT ARTIST, NAME THAT TUNE!

 
Tak, the Hideous New Girl
 

I just realized it.

He comes across like Bruce Campbell’s Ash in the Evil Dead movies. (If Ash somehow went from idiot zombie-fighter to idiot liberal-fighter)

You know Doug, Ash was *supposed* to be moronic, that was part of the joke.

 
 

I haven’t the foggiest idea what that article, this post or the comments are referring to. And I speak Spanish.

…is the whole thing some sort of peformance art piece?

 
 

I used to make my exodus from Santa Ana Land every night. Took me an hour and a half to get back to Pasadena Land.

Or alternatively

Ah, Santa Ana Land. The least successful area of Disney’s California Adventure.

 
 

…is the whole thing some sort of peformance art piece?

Refiere a una parodiar famosa del blog. El blog original está aquí:

http://www.popfactor.com/tmftml/

 
Dr. BLT, The Song Blogger
 

“There was a time when strangers were welcome here. Music would play, they tell me the days were sweet and clear. There was a sweeter tune, and there was so much room, for people to come from every land.”

“NAME THAT ARTIST, NAME THAT TUNE!”

Was it, The Immigrant, by Neil Sadaka?

 
 

Doug Giles: Worst. Pastor. Ever. I advise anyone who clicks over to the article not to eat first, I still feel nauseated.

 
 

Everything Mr. Giles learned about Mexicans came from Speedy Gonzales. I’m surprised he didn’t make any references to giant sombreros, siestas or senoritas in big fluffy dresses.

 
 

Refiere a una parodiar famosa del blog. El blog original está aquí…

Ahora entiendo. Gracias.

…That article by the genocidal nazi priest is still weird, though.

 
 

I can’t read Mexikaans.

 
 

I think that monster bong he’s holding explains a lot.

 
 

Senores y Senoras, nosotros tenemos mas influencia con sus hijos que tu tiene.
Pero los queremos. Creado en Tejas y regalo de Miami, Doug Giles!

Dr. STP, you seem to have driven past our earlier discussion without a glance backward. Any reason?

 
 

Our American buddies on the Arizona, California, New Mexico and Texas borders are especially sick of . . . [h]aving their land trashed like a hotel room after Motley Crew spent the weekend there.

Perhaps he should’ve name-dropped Blue Öyster Cult. I’d be forgiving of a dropped umlaut (or two), but misspelling the Crüe is just lousy copy editing.

 
 

Juana’s Addicion!

 
 

Trabajo en la puntaria.

 
 

Me gusta tacos y burritos… ay ay ay!!!

 
 

For a chuckle, go to the archives for a piece he wrote called “The Arts, Farts, and a Good Start”. He spends 3 paragraphs going into fecopheliacal details about the excrement coming out of LA and then starts the fifth paragraph with “Now, having gotten some of that load off my chest”. Comedy Gold.

 
 

And get this straight: our demand for a more stringent border has nothing—nothing!—to do with xenophobia.

Thank God! Hear that guys? Nothing! I was starting to worry about this guy for a minute there, but his frank denial of his own xenophopia has certainly quelled my nascent fears.

 
 

Me gusta tu sombrero.

 
 

>>I’m pretty sure it’s “agua” not “aqua” unless he is bringing hairspray on his trip north.

Ah, but “aqua” is Latin for “water”–and these folks are from Latin America. See? Makes sense now.

 
 

I live in Mexico and if I may, I’d like to ask: That fence you’re building will work both ways, right?

 
 

I have nothing to add, I just wanted to say “las cosas del snort”.

 
 

Uhhhh, Doug? Telemundo and Univision are American. Believe it or not, Mexico has its own TV nertworks.

 
 

TV networks, also. Grrrr!

Hum along with me, along with the TV, oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh.

 
 

Now that Canada has elected a social conservative as their Prime Minister, if the election of ’08 doesn’t go well for some of you hard-core liberals, you might consider easing the problem at the border by abandoning your plans to flee to Canada, and, instead, flee to Mexico. Tacos taste a lot better than French bread anyway.

 
 

Doug really puts the minute back in Minuteman.

 
 

mdhatter, do you know something we don’t? Has Doug been a-pastorin’ to you at the local love motel?

 
 

In Doug’s dreams, he is huntin’ Injuns. But he’ll settle for Messicans.

 
 

Not fair to non-Spanish speakers. 🙁

 
 

Get ready for all the drinky goodness the damn SOTU is going to require….

http://www.drinkinggame.us

 
 

– Having to pick up your pill bottles, used needles and syringes.
– Having to find the half eaten remains of their pets left from one of your impromptu BBQ’s.
– Having their homes burglarized.
– Having their daughters raped.
– Having their vehicles stolen.

And, of course, all of them wimmin-rapin, truck- stealin, hound-dog-eatin Messicin junkies will straighten up, start goin to church, and workin at Wal-Mart as soon as we hand them a green “get out of hell free” card.

Wow, thinking like Doug hurts more than trying to read Gavin’s Spanglish.

 
 

La proxima vez que trates algo como este articulo, por favor consulta a uno de sus amigos hispano-hablantes. Babelfish just hurts.

Or could you please just put Doug into Babelfish? In its incomprehensibility, it might sound less racist, Nazi-like, and perhaps more, um, what’s the word, … Christian.

Oh, and until Doug produces a shred of evidence to back up his ludicrous fears, f-ck him.

 
 

I’m surprised that I’m jumping on this herpetological bit before D. Sidhe is, but here goes. The Dougmeister sez:

[…]eat horny toads[…]

OK, now I know this is a loaded question, but is the Dougstir trying to make a funny there, or is he just a flaming idiot? The lizard that lives in the deserts of the southwest is the horned toad, though, as I said, it is actually a lizard, not a toad. Doofus Doug was probably secretly jonesing to use a semi-naughty word and be a bad pastor. I actually used to have a little bean-bag frog called a Horny Toad that was “anatomically correct,” not, I note, that amphibians have external genitals. From above, it looked perfectly innocuous. Put it in somebody’s hand, though, and watch the fireworks commence. Ah, good times.
Why, yes, I am annoyingly childish! How did you guess?

 
 

Little man with a gun in his hand.

–The *real* Minutemen

God bless d. boon.

 
 

Most people in Mexico have more education than this ignorant moron.

 
 

Does he imagine all of the illegals DRIVE here? I think that’s what the repressed, self hating gay man is talking about when he mentions the rear view mirror

 
 

Marq, I can’t speak for Doug (thank Baal) but when I was growing up, we called them “horny toads,” and we did indeed enjoy saying a semi-naughty word. Of course, we were in elementary school.

 
 

It is, of course, typical that Doug does not say “tired of being raped” (as though some women might be included in “American buddies”) but “tired of having their daughters raped.” “Having” is kind of an odd word choice there, anyway.

Perhaps he should concern himself with American citizens who are rapists first. What’s that you say? That’s not as exciting as scapegoating brown people?

 
 

Marq, Yosemite Sam always called them Horny Toads.

[El problema es que no conozco Español.]

Es mejor usar ‘saber’ aqui como es mas un sabimiento que un conocimiento. Conocer se usa mas con personas que sabidura.

Y quiero decir que Doug y sus compadres siempre pensaran que todos los latinos quienes viven en los EEUU son ilegales, aunque no los son.

Doug Giles es muy cabron, el hijo de puta ese.

 
 

Mi esperanza era la gente que no entiende el español podría entender bastantes palabras que la idea estaría clara…

 
 

Apologies. I spent last night trying to decide how annoying it is that the BBC narrator for my new Before the Dinosaurs: Walking with Monsters DVD keeps saying “Cephalaspis” instead of “Cephalapsis”.
Turns out both pronunciations are okay, but I must say it certainly put me off wanting to see Bush say “nukular” a lot. It also left me in a state of high appreciation for accuracy and intellectual curiosity, which explains why I couldn’t come near Pastor Pistol till today.

OffTopicGripe: The BBC has just no damned clue how to do special features for DVDs.

ONTopicGripe: It actually can be both horny toad and horned toad, though as noted “horny toad” is largely the choice of fourth-graders, and county music stars. (Jim Hightower has an anecdote somewhere that has Willie Nelson saying “horny toads”.) As Marq says, it’s a lizard, which is why it ought to be called a Horned Lizard (and often it is) since there’s an actual toad called a horned or horny toad (Xenophrys minor).

Bonus pedanticism: Personally, I just call ’em Phrynosoma.

 
 

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