1
How to make a ton of money
Invent a time machine and go back to June 2005. Make bets with people that in four years’ time we’ll have a black Democratic president with the middle name “Hussein.” Then up the ante by predicting that the Democrats will have 60 seats in the Senate. Then top if off by betting that one of those seats will belong to Al Franken.
I mean, four years ago, I would have been too ashamed to post such a prediction anywhere, even if I were anonymously trolling over at Red State. Times do indeed change.
(Of course, now that the Democrats have all this power, they should probably do something positive with it. Because as we’ve seen over the past four years, American opinion can change extraordinarily quickly. And there’s no way I’m going to be able to deal with President Jeb Bush and Senator Bill O’Reilly in 2012 if I don’t have a public health care plan to choose from. Just sayin’.)
Bookmark this, conservatives said,
July 1, 2009 at 4:25
Everyone would have wondered how you were able to predict it.
N__B said,
July 1, 2009 at 4:31
I mean, four years ago, I would have been too ashamed to post such a prediction anywhere
To paraphrase DeVito’s Penguin, you must flaunt what others throw away. BOOKMARK THIS!!!11!!
Cagney & Lacey said,
July 1, 2009 at 4:46
I predict the next president of this great nation will be — no, wait. I won’t tell you. It will be my little surprise.
kingubu said,
July 1, 2009 at 4:55
What’s just as astounding as the 2004->2009 reversal you mention, Brad, is the fact that the Repubs seem to have learned nothing from it. Half of those who remain loyal think the answer is to double down on Teh Crazy and the other half think the answer is to re-package the same old shit in a shiny new box (i.e “branding”).
Not that I’m complaining, mind you. They can FOAD as far as I’m concerned. America would fare much better with a different party as the Yang in our political duopoly. Its just weird to watch people so committed to self-destruction.
Another kiwi said,
July 1, 2009 at 4:57
Yeah but who would have said GWB would last two terms asleep at the wheel as he was.
Billo would not take the cut in pay.
The New King David said,
July 1, 2009 at 5:01
Who do I have to fuck to get a little forgiveness around here?
Jesus Goddamn Christ. My Esteemed Colleague pays top dollar to roll around a cheap hotel in a diaper and I’M the one who’s gotta resign?
Well, there’s a long weekend coming up — you know where to find me, Motherfuckers.
Bathsheba's Best Friend said,
July 1, 2009 at 5:09
Well, at least your Esteemed Colleague took his used condoms with him when he left, you pig.
A Different Matt said,
July 1, 2009 at 5:23
I like how Jon Schwartz said it a year ago:
It’s September 12, 2001. You’re sitting in front of a TV, watching footage of the World Trade Center collapse over and over and over again.
All of a sudden, someone from seven years in the future walks out of a tiny temporal vortex, and tells you: George W. Bush is going to fuck this up so badly that in 2008, the United States of America will likely elect as president a black man whose middle name is Hussein and whose father was Muslim. Oh, and he also admits he’s used cocaine.
I think it would have been easier to convince me of the reality of time travel. “No, no, I believe you really are from the future. But the other stuff, that’s CRAZY.”
http://www.tinyrevolution.com/mt/archives/002260.html
The Tragically Flip said,
July 1, 2009 at 5:25
As Chris Rock said, George Bush fucked up so badly he made it hard for a white man to be elected president.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
July 1, 2009 at 5:30
Invent a time machine and go back to June 2005.
Buy long-dated puts on Lehman Brothers, Bear Stearns, and every other part of the U.S. financial system.
Then when the shite finally is done hitting the fan, buy calls. Too big to fail…same as it ever was.
Same as it ever was.
El Cid said,
July 1, 2009 at 5:36
To tell you the truth, I never expected that all of the nations of Latin America and even the U.S. would say “absolutely fucking-utely not” to a coup by U.S. trained Honduran death squad militarists. I really didn’t.
gbear said,
July 1, 2009 at 5:38
GAWD, you are too funny!
Two words: Bill Nelson (and I don’t mean the guitarist from BeBop Deluxe)
gbear said,
July 1, 2009 at 5:43
PS: I am really looking forward to my new senator Al Franken’s speeches from the senate floor. I don’t think we’ve ever had a senator who knows so well the value and power of snark. It will be beyootyful.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
July 1, 2009 at 5:51
Bill Nelson couldn’t begin to carry Di-Fi’s bag full of dollar bills and corporate jock straps.
(I’m too tired to sift the flour for a better metaphor, but damn DiFi is aggravating the shit out of me.)
How about some Dead Kennedys.
Dianne Banker-Butt-licker Margaret Thatcher Feinstein. The Dragon Lady with no Heart
gbear said,
July 1, 2009 at 6:03
ITTDGY. Yes, Agreed. Di-Fi, Nelson…there are quite a few of them willing to throw this chance away.
Brandi said,
July 1, 2009 at 6:08
Sanford: “There were a handful of instances wherein I crossed the lines I shouldn’t have crossed as a married man, but never crossed the ultimate line.”
I wonder if that’s code talk for “It wasn’t really cheating if it was just a tugjob”?
Nom de Plume said,
July 1, 2009 at 6:12
I like how he said it too. In fact, I like it so much that I’ve been using a variation of it for quite some time on the few people I know who still half-heartedly defend George W. Bush.
“How bad did Republicans fuck up? America elected a liberal [campaign edition, at least] black guy with a Muslim name. That’s how bad.”
Hasn’t failed to shut them up yet.
Nom de Plume said,
July 1, 2009 at 6:17
I wonder if that’s code talk for “It wasn’t really cheating if it was just a tugjob”?
It’s code talk for “I’m desperately hoping that nobody notices I was criminally derelict in my duty as governor. That’s why I can’t stop talking about the sexy bits, knowing the American press as I do. If they ever start talking about my dereliction of duty [yeah, right!], I’ll just take all my clothes off and sing a torch song about my Argentine lover”.
kingubu said,
July 1, 2009 at 6:20
Dianne Banker-Butt-licker Margaret Thatcher Feinstein. The Dragon Lady with no Heart
Thunder, you win two whole internets and a cheesecake for digging up that gem.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
July 1, 2009 at 6:46
Hanx, and Good Night.
~
noen said,
July 1, 2009 at 7:13
Brandi said,
Mark Sanford is a member of The Family, known for it’s pedophile and child prostitution rings. They have no lines. They are completely and utterly amoral and believe that if you are anointed of God you can literally do no wrong. My guess is the only line he crossed was getting caught.
he flips said,
July 1, 2009 at 7:49
I agree, no need to pussy foot around conservative sensitivities. I say get out all the lib legislation at once, buckshot style, so their outrage will be confused and ephermeral. People are ok with change because why the fuck not. At least if public opinion changes, we would have left behind environmental safegards, working class financial safegaurds, health care reform that only hurts insurance companies, and a foreign policy that benefits people other that government contractors. Repubs always leave behind richer rich people and wars.
The Dems have to pass as much legislation as they can now while they have the supmaj senate, house, and admin. Even if we lose one of those branches Repubs won’t gain enough to reverse the legislation. I say go for broke. Fuck the polls; fuck 2012.
Righteous Bubba said,
July 1, 2009 at 8:26
Oh?
Wyatt Watts III said,
July 1, 2009 at 8:41
Funny thing is, after reading this post, I DID invent a time machine and went back in time to June 2005, but while I was there I accidentally stepped on a butterfly, and…
…well, you might want to look out your window.
Quaker in a Basement said,
July 1, 2009 at 8:56
I mean, four years ago, I would have been too ashamed to post such a prediction anywhere, even if I were anonymously trolling over at Red State.
Bringing it up today will still get you banned over there.
justme said,
July 1, 2009 at 9:06
Not so much throw it away as not let it get a foothold. As several folks here mentioned the other day, the pants are off the whole “caving to Republicans” thing. They’re driven by the same whip, toward the same end. I suspect that for more than a few, having the whole ball of wax to play with is bane more than boon. Now they need to come up with whole new sets of excuses for why they are legislating contrary to the principals of those who elected them. Banker-Butt-licker, indeed.
meh.
—————-
PENIS.
jim said,
July 1, 2009 at 9:18
Not only is this off-topic … but I’m not sure if there’s any topic it wouldn’t be “off” … TIME CUBE meets Mayan-apocolyptic surrealism, with a Tina Fey cameo thrown in at no extra charge?
You betcha!
sdgghj said,
July 1, 2009 at 9:25
jim — wow — just wow…
Danny Guam said,
July 1, 2009 at 9:54
It’s the last paragraph that gets my attention there Brad.
God, I wish I could believe something like that could happen.
My heart is like, yea, that would be so cool and my head is all like , no fuckin way dood.
justme said,
July 1, 2009 at 11:25
jim,
holy. fucking. crap.
You can’t make that kind of crazy up. It takes years of fermentation. That gets a bookmark in my “omgwtfbbq” folder.
Fffffuuuuuuuuuu…….
My fav,
Naturally.
noen said,
July 1, 2009 at 11:57
RB:
“Oh?”
Jesus plus Nothing
http://www.harpers.org/archive/2003/03/0079525
The Family is a Christian neofascist group:
You can do anything:
Sanford is a member of The family
Killing the Buddha
Jeff Sharlet
I believe I may have confused “The Family” with “The Family International” so maybe not the child abuse so much, though I wouldn’t be surprised.
Hillary Clinton is also a member.
alec said,
July 1, 2009 at 12:24
Exactly right. For fuck’s sake, it happened during hurricane season. Evidently the Republicans these days feel that the primary job of a governor is to try and get elected to office or get a talk radio show trying.
To be fair, given the right’s tendency to project everything it does and feels vaguely uncomfortable with, a Christianist kulturkampf organization from the late 80s trafficking children to have sex with Satanic pedophiles would make a certain kind of sense.
Obama is more than capable of making it happen. The strategy so far seems to be letting the insurance-industry catspaws’ exhaust/make asses of themselves and then getting things done in a single big push after.
I am pretty fucking irate that single-payer isn’t being debated, though. American healthcare fucks over everyone to the exclusive benefit of a specific financial industry, and its main adaptive strategies for keeping that awful state of affairs is being a good member of Your Team and carefully debating the issue only with fucking cranks.
Nylund said,
July 1, 2009 at 13:13
Democrats should be quick to remember that it wasn’t all that long ago that the Dems seemed dead in the water and the “permanent Republican majority” seemed like an inescapable curse.
Things swung one way quite quickly. Its foolish to assume they can’t just as easily swing back.
Well, except for the fact that since the GOP has alienated every minority, they’d now need something like 66% of the white vote to regain the presidency.
Rahm Lebowski said,
July 1, 2009 at 14:58
Dude the fuckin’ thing is, dude, you cocksuckers don’t understand that yeah 60 seats or whatever but you know there are a lot of ins and outs and whatnot to this fucking shit and I mean we’ll do something maybe but right now you should all shut the fuck up and keep voting and giving money. By the way cocksucking fags–still not getting married. But keep voting for us okay dudes? Love ya mean it.
Parody Troll said,
July 1, 2009 at 15:00
I have severly overestimated the number of Sadly, No! posters who give one-tenth of a flying fuck about Rahm Emmanuel.
Parody Troll said,
July 1, 2009 at 15:01
Oh, and does anybody know of a good facial cleanser? I seem to have egg yolk everywhere.
SteveB said,
July 1, 2009 at 15:07
Obama is more than capable of making it happen. The strategy so far seems to be letting the insurance-industry catspaws’ exhaust/make asses of themselves and then getting things done in a single big push after.
I think you’re supposed to say “Bookmark this!” after a statement like that.
St. Trotsky, Pope-in-Avignon said,
July 1, 2009 at 15:29
I have severely overestimated the number of Sadly, No! posters who give one-tenth of a flying fuck about Rahm Emmanuel.
Who’s Rahm Emmanuel again?
actor212 said,
July 1, 2009 at 15:43
Invent a time machine and go back to June 2005. Make bets with people that in four years’ time we’ll have a black Democratic president with the middle name “Hussein.” Then up the ante by predicting that the Democrats will have 60 seats in the Senate. Then top if off by betting that one of those seats will belong to Al Franken.
You could have made even bigger money betting on a woman governor of Alaska being on the national ticket for the GOP.
Given that Republicans generally run about thirty years behind Democrats in progressivism, and it was 1984 when we ran a woman for Veep, they’re starting to catch up!
Lunch Lady said,
July 1, 2009 at 16:51
Kid, Tempra paint is not supposed to form a chitinous shell.
alec said,
July 1, 2009 at 17:21
He gets shit he wants to do done, and his MO has always been rope-a-dope stuff. Won him both elections. The problem has been getting him to want to do things, not getting him to get them taken care of.
actor212 said,
July 1, 2009 at 17:27
The problem has been getting him to want to do things, not getting him to get them taken care of.
I’m not sure this is something he’s against or ambivalent about.
My thinking has been he’s been waiting for a Franken victory before he made a major push on healthcare. There’s no guarantee he can command 60 Democrats, particularly when you factor in people like Specter and Jon Tester, but up till now, the sense I’ve gotten is he played a waiting game.
alec said,
July 1, 2009 at 17:36
There’s no evidence he personally wants anything to do with DADT, but he’s pathologically overcautious, and deliberately glacial even when he’s dealing with something instead of putting it off.
SteveB said,
July 1, 2009 at 17:39
He gets shit he wants to do done, and his MO has always been rope-a-dope stuff.
Well, since we’re on the topic of Obama’s “MO”, I’d say it’s the same as every other successful American politician:
1) Identify what the most powerful interests want
2) Give it to them
What should we do about health care? I know, let’s get the guys from Kaiser and Humana together, and see what they’re willing to accept.
The Banks? Well, I’m sure the boys at Goldman-Sachs have some good ideas on that one.
Climate change? Oh, I’m sure Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi will be able to work something out with the coal-state Dems and the nuclear industry, so no need to get my hands dirty on that one.
Look back on Obama’s entire life and career, and find me ONE example where he’s dared to challenge a powerful political or economic interest. It’s just not what he does. Not his “MO”, as you might say.
The Goddamn Batman Is Good Enough, He's Smart Enough, And Doggone It, People Are Scared Shitless Of Him said,
July 1, 2009 at 19:53
The only bad thing about Senator Al Franken is that it may tempt Janeane Garofalo to run, and ever since Scientology got its hooks in her, I don’t trust her.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
July 1, 2009 at 23:44
ittdgy:
Best DKs song EVAR!!!!!
Weapons grade “OMFG!!!”, Jim. “Art Bell” level wackismo!
Her many epithets included ‘Scarlet Lady’ – the proverbial ‘lady in red’. In the biblical context, the ‘Whore of Babylon’.
So THAT’s what that sappy song is about!
Sirius Lunacy said,
July 3, 2009 at 15:02
So what? A former Monty Python member is getting together with Phil Collins to tour Central America?
Old Man Muffaroo said,
July 4, 2009 at 17:50
She resigned because Mayan Palingenesis can’t possibly happen now: Ed McMayan’s dead.